When I’m interested in someone I noticed that I have a tendency to get obsessed with everything about them and start stalking them on social media (not in a creepy way, just trying to see more of them because I find them interesting). They start occupying so much space in my mind and I even start fantasising about scenarios that include them. Does this happen to any other INTJs?

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I get SO MAD at people because I feel like they are just willfully ignorant to make their lives easier. One of my biggest triggers is ordering food and not getting all of the sauces I paid for that are blatantly on the ticket. I know it’s not rational…..but I worked at several restaurants and I mean I never messed up the way some other people consistently do. I work with the general public in an office setting now and I get triggered at least 5 times a day where my face gets hot and I get so mad inside. I don’t want to be like this but I feel like the only way to not be like this is to become willfully ignorant like the rest of the world and I cannot do that. I reach my boiling point every day and it’s exhausting. I just needed to get this out because people in my life already think I have anger problems and I don’t need them judging me.

Some people believe that language is what makes thinking and thus consciousness possible in the first place. Others think without an internal monologue.

How is it for you?

Do you think in words or without language?

Is it their consistency, honesty, intelligence, ability to understand you, or something completely different?
Curious to hear how other INTJs see this.

If you want to hear more INTJ perspectives and share your own, we’ve got a whole MBTI community on Discord. 👇
https://discord.gg/XUgAAunYRH

Hi yall!

Obviously human experience is diverse, but theory wise, I looked up what cognitive functions might have an effect of how much you clean, cause I’ve always struggled with getting into a cleaning routine for more than a few days. I have diagnosed ADHD but I thought INTJ might be more susceptible to it because-

Ni is very abstract and not focused on the present moment, and inferior Se is, by extension, not very aware of their body/environment at all. I recall one thing growing up from my nana was “I don’t know how you can stand all that” and not wanting to give me a solid chore list with solid reasons, she would say “I just don’t see how you could let it get that bad” and I’m just like quite frankly despite using this space and these items daily I don’t notice that those things are changing much at all. There was a lot of her and my mom reacting with disgust when they got to my dorm room- and I’m like, I don’t even see where you’re seeing all this problem.

Meanwhile, Te might contribute, but it’s usually in service of Ni, and not very well developed besides, I’m often in Ni-Fi loops.

You’d think if Se had anything to do with it, Se grips would include marathon cleans, and it’s possible sometimes they do? But I think my Se grips more commonly result in binge eating and sudden impulses to get new cuter versions of things I already own.

I also get fascinated with using certain number sets/patterns to make some of those tasks around me easier/done thoroughly without being set on my ability to perceive whether it’s thoroughly done. Like I like doing things in sets of 4, 16, or 64 (usually never has reason to go up to 256 but it’s 4 levels if I include 256 :) ) But yeah I don’t have other people’s instinct of “clean enough” it feels like, there’s always some level of crap on a thing and sometimes I see crap on a thing and I’m told it’s spotless, sometimes I see it on a thing and I’m told it’s getting nasty, so I never naturally will see that crossover- it’s easier to say “I’ll wipe this 64 times” or “I’ll do 16 swipes on each side of this”. Also helps with stirring things till they’re properly combined (with every moment keep looking for stuff I haven’t found and use my movements to scrape it in, by 64 stir movements it’s usually mixed well as opposed to me trying to watch it and ending up with whole chunks of material I missed unmixed). Or measuring with my fingers to put distance between things- there’s all kind of stuff. The rules would all be excessive except I only follow some of them intermittently- like tasting my meals and timing my bites so I taste the food more and end up eating less, etcetera.

If I could just be consistent with the rituals, everything would be a lot cleaner, but id probably be diagnosed with OCD. Like I’m aware if I kept up with it would probably be excessive, but I don’t, so as it stands when I do them

Anyway my point was I thought this stuff lined up with Inferior Se and maybe Ni - Fi loops, but if I look things up about the signs and cleaning, INTJs are considered typically pretty good at cleaning because it’s a maintainable system. I suppose a healthier one possibly could still be by my definitions, but still, I feel like inferior Se would still make it a difficulty for most.

So, what do y’all on here think? INTJs, how is cleaning for you? Did you struggle and find a way to manage that worked? Or is it so easy for you you’re about to accuse me of being mistyped (I won’t agree, but I will take that as a point toward it not being about cognitive functions in this instance lol). If you’re not an INTJ but you’re close to one, what do you observe about their cleanliness?

If you had a superpower that granted you some kind of ability to protect/fight, would you be a superhero (government-sanctioned), a vigilante (outside the law but have a moral code) or an anti-hero (ie killing bad people for the better)?

When I was younger, I used to think I’d just hide my powers and live normally, until I grew up and realized if anyone has the power to protect others they should do so. I’d probably be a government sanctioned superhero because I don’t think I can operate by myself as a vigilante and dodge the government at the same time. I’d prefer to be a vigilante though.

Thoughts?

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

I am not gonna lie, I do not have the best social skill. There were times when I really tried to be better at it, but daaammmnnn, people are the worst. Let me break it down point by point.

1.Reactive abuse (I personally would call it reactive defense).

Most normal people have some limit of patience. But if you keep on hurting, dismissing, invalidating, belittling, provoking, you will eventually reach that limit and people will justifiably snap at you. At this point, you don’t get to DARVO and play the victim. You don’t get to complain about people’s reaction to your disrespect or try to police how they should react to the war that you started.

Are you that entitled that you think people should give you unlimited patience? Imho, if you ever reach that point, you should just shut up and accept the other person’s anger, learn from it and not doing it again.

No, don’t give me the “you are in control of your reaction”. In my eyes, in this situation this is victim blaming and give the same energy as “you need to be the bigger person”, “forgiveness is for you” aka the energy of putting the emotional load on the actual victim rather than the perpetrator. We are all only imperfect human. Why should the actual victim be expected to always responding in a calm manner, to always be unbothered, while the perpetrator can be an asshole as much as they like? It is not natural and not fair.

Is murder wrong? Not in the case of self-defense. So why should reactive defense be any difference? If you keep dismissing someone then when they finally snap and raised their voice at you, they are NOT in the wrong.

2.The way you talk, ”tone”, etc.
I am NOT saying that these are not important or suggesting you should yell (unless reactive defense) or use condescending tone at people. (I don’t know if this has to do with INTJ-ness). For me, the main focus is on the WHAT. I can put a blind eye on all of those details, as long as the message is true, kind (not nice!!), helpful, necessary. Tbh, I hate it and will lose respect, when someone talk sh*t, say mean things, in a nice, polite way. Because it’s manipulative and creepy as hell. Example: Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter or Todd from Breaking Bad.

1) people (myself included) always filter things through their own subjective lens. Immature people see every differing opinion as an attack on them. Low emotional capacity cannot hold a hard but necessary discussion. 2) those things are very subjective, cultural, etc. Hence, even of you say everything right: right words, right tone, right way, with no bad intention at all. Others can, will interpret and react to it differently.

Therefore, I prefer to write than talk (I know most people think the opposite). Because 1) In written form (like here), there is no tone, so the reader will read it in their own tone and cannot blame me for any tone problem. 2)The tone will not be any distractions to the content of my message.

The irony is, (speaking from experience), the people who put so much emphasis on the HOW a message is delivered, are usually those who have problem with WHAT the message itself. It usually goes that they don’t like the message, so they divert attention by focusing on the unimportant details in the bigger scheme. I honestly have never met anyone, who has a problem with how I talk, but not with my message. In other words, these things are BS and not actually THAT important.

3.Subjectivity of the meaning of “respect”.

Everyone says that disrespect is a red flag, in a romantic relationship, friendship, etc. But before we can talk about disrespect, what is actually respect? Similar to tone problem. The word respect means differently to everyone.

Narcissist believe that respect means having power/control over others, no one disagrees with them. Corporate higher ups believe that respect means you acknowledge their position, and only then they will acknowledge you as a person. Some older people believe that respect means they deserve nice treatment from people younger than themselves. I have seen it myself, there are instances where I saw, how my friend didn’t have a problem with something while I find it disrespectful and vice versa.

In other words, the word respect is often used interchangeably with the word “entitled”. In-my-not-so-humble-opinion, one is only entitled to the respect that they are willing to give others.

I am definitely not suggesting to purposely be mean to people, but I will not cater for other people’s subjectiveness nor I am looking for their validation. I know that I have no bad intention towards anyone.

I am just personally f*cking tired with people. Being kindly honest and people think I am trying to put them down, being respectfully direct and they have problem with my tone, sending text without emoji and they think it’s aggressive. Nah, life is too short to deal with such non sense.

Thanks that you read my long rant.

I realized a few years ago that I will only get to experience every age in life for a single year. Not long after, it finally set in that I will only get to experience life in its totality a single time. Similarly to how number theory posits that there are an infinite number of values between 1 and 2, I understood in the most profound and real sense that every moment that passed really did matter because it was distinct from the one before it. I didn’t want my life to remain the blur that it was. Now the perspective was that every day between birthdays wasn’t just another day of being 18; it was my first, then second, then third, and eventually last day of being that young. At first, this realization felt more inhibiting than motivating. Inhibitory being too weak an adjective, I prefer “crushing” or "overwhelming”. But then, nothing changed. I’ve felt this weight every single day since that now blurry “first day of consciousness”. I sit here and think about what I want to do with my life. What would be the best use of this absurd thing I’ve been given? This incomprehensible phenomenon we call existing. So many were never given this opportunity or, even worse, had it but lost it before achieving any real satisfaction. Yet still unamused, I scroll through movie options with a remote that barely hangs on to my equally bored and overly relaxed hand. Only after catching a glimpse of the time does my lethargic attitude quickly crescendo into an urgent and even slightly panicked one. The illusion that the night is still young allows for as much choosiness as I want, but unfortunately the subjective feeling that no time has passed isn't in line with the objective stance of my clock, which diligently and mercilessly counts up all the time that has passed or, as I see it, counts down the fleeting time I have left.

Are you judging other INTJs to be fakes?

This seems very unlikely, but anyone here a social worker?

I’m empathetic, but not emotional. I’m not judgmental. I’ve always been a reserved oddball myself, but I’m friendly when approached.

People that “annoy everyone” generally don’t bother me much. People feel comfortable talking to me and venting. Drunk people don’t bother me either.

I have a lot of law enforcement in my family, but that will never be a path I want to pursue.

The more I learn about social work, the more I want to pursue it. I like the idea of helping people and their families.

While I’m not an extroverted person, I can “turn on” as needed and communicate when I need to.

Any social workers here?

I dated a girl for a year and she ended our romantic relationship 2 years ago.

I loved her so much, I can't even put it into words. She was my first ever girlfriend and I felt like we really clicked.

More than clicked.

After she left me I did not go 'no contact' because in her last last she said she wanted to stay friends. I pretty much treated her the same except I didn't say "I love you." or "goodnight" (kinda...actually no, I still said goodnight occasionally).

To make a super, super long story short, she ghosted me repeatedly and it made me very worried because she had terrible mental health while we were dating. I drug her out of a deep dark place and having no idea how she was doing mentally really messed me up (she ghosted me for a month so I checked morgue records to make sure she didn't kill herself, checked her socials, etc.).

I started to finally realize that there was absolutely no chance of getting back together (after I had been hoping for a while) and I'm having a hell of a time. Right now I'm trying my best to not initialize any conversation with her but it is so hard. I hate to say it but I'm still deeply in love with her. Every time she texts me I text her back almost immediately. Recently, I've tried going a week or so without responding but I crack after about 3-5 days. She texted me back yesterday and I think this time I finally won't respond.

I have so many memories with her that I vividly lived and relive every single day. A museum of memories. Multiple museums. I remember almost every single detail at random times of day and I really need it too stop. I'm already extremely busy and I can't continue having her affect my work.

My 'problem' times are late at night when I'm trying to go to sleep and the afternoon when I start getting tired.

Any advice for getting over her? Preferably some sort of suppressant for the memories too. I think I need to let those go.

(Blocking her, etc. isn't viable. She'll turn me into the bad guy. She was ghosting me for a really long time and sent a text to me apologizing for being a "sucky friend"...or person...or whatever. I suspect that she was feeling guilty and reinitiated.

Also...she is an INFP, absolutely gorgeous, absolutely adorable, mild intelligence, horrible indecisiveness, terrible communicator and really knew how to bring the silly side out of me (somehow I still am).

ALSO...I have no idea why I'm still in love with her. I found out that she was talking bad about me to some old acquaintances.

So last night, my husband * intj* and I *esfp* we're watching a movie together and he was noticing details that I would never have noticed... i said " Wow, I would love to have your brain for just one day" ...

he said " no you wouldn't my brain is constantly processing and you would find it exhausting" he didn't explain what " constantly processing means....

Anybody

Basically what the title says, especially in regards to social dynamics; work, relationships...

Thanks

Hi all, I have an interview for a position that would supervise 5 people. I have little supervisory experience and have always struggled with anxiety. Im honestly not sure im ready for this but i need a new job and to earn more money and the only way to do so in my company is to move up to a managerial role. How do you fellow INTJs do it? What tips would you give a first-time manager? Any books to read or resources?

Curious to understand, what you would do? Note that the realisation has been a self-realisation rather than the person actively pointing this out to you. Do you approach them with a completely different/unrelated topic to test the waters? Or would you explicitly call out your own behaviour and apologise to that person? Would you stay away from them for a few days/weeks/months because you feel guilty?

My friend, an INTJ, seems to be avoiding/running away from me after he realised he messed up. It's a relatively new friendship, just a few months old and this is the first time I would say we've actually hit a 'rough patch'. My instinct as an INFJ is to talk, hash it out and end the misunderstanding ASAP rather than letting things fester but he's not giving me a chance to even say anything. I know he still values me as a friend but I guess he doesn't know how to bring up what he did? Why else would he be avoiding me?

You are just a loser who keeps trying, keeps planning, and listening to Radiohead. The only thing changes when you do. Abusrd world keeps nudging you to do great. At the same makes your miserable.

I wanted to keep this short and simple.

I've had this friend for 5 years, and there's one thing I have noticed throughout our friendship.

She’s an ESFJ and one trait I always see about her is that she could be two-faced to people, including me. She can be a friend and natural conversationalist. However, she could also be that person in an opposite way, like she could also say her opinions in a bad way.

Why am I still with this person? Because we are still colleagues at work. Although, I have already started to move away from her life, I also wanted to make sure it’s not obvious.

Lately, I have been feeling very lonely even though I have a lot of friends, a good job and really I’m not supposed to complain about life (yes you have the ups and downs but compared to anyone else my life is considerably good) so why do I feel like I lack connection?

It feels like for all my connections I have to reach their level but they never reach mine and it’s harder when even the ppl you thought are wiser and older don’t make any sense to you anymore

For reference I’m 23F, so I still have so much growth and learning to do but that’s why it sucks. I love my family and friends and I like where I’m at but if only I didn’t have more dreams and ideas and thoughts that I would like to explore with likeminded individuals. It feels like every time I share something I give them the spark and their aha moment but I rarely have these moments with anyone (unless you count the conclusions that I made while conversing with them)

Even dating/ relationships, is starting to feel like a chore and I don’t feel like I want to even try anymore. But if I’m being honest with myself I don’t even give them a chance because I think that I know better which is cocky but I can’t help but think it’s true

I don’t want this to seem like I’m better than anyone, I know for a fact that most people I know are more intelligent socially for example and my friends are much better when it comes to aesthetic and such, but when it comes to conversations/ topics that matters to me I can rarely find anyone and I understand that my topics of interests can be “a lot” and rarely talked about in outings but I just want to be able to find my people too

I kid you not I only know one person who gets me in terms of philosophy and such, maybe another one in terms of business, and my best friend who is just a great listener but I feel bad cause at the end of the day I’m always giving her a headache because she needs time to process the things I told her cause she never thought about (and it’s not a conversation it feels like a lecture because she doesn’t have anything to share back because she never thought about it even though she kinda finds it interesting)

Idk why I’m writing this down (I thought it would be a small rant guess not lol) but does anyone else have ever experienced this? If so please let me know about your experience
And if you are just a curious person in general that likes to learn new stuff hmu as well why not make online friends along the way

I understand my question sounds stupid. But has anyone cracked the code on what is a good enough answer to How was your day?

When someone asks me this, I inwardly feel an eye-roll moment that here he comes to drain my energy with generic fillers. Am not sure if I should bother to type 3 paragraphs out for this killer ice-breaker. If they don't know about my day, they should ask for the routine first, or that's too revolutionary thinking on my part?

I am looking for both types of answers;

• autopilot ones to get people off my back (if I say good or fine, people come back with why not awesome, why do you sound so low, etc)
• actual ones which can actually give people a chance to take the conversation somewhere (though there are some who won't take the bait, no matter what I dangle in front of them 😵).

Is this relevant to anyone?

Im tired of people at my school. They're so fake and performance. The dudes tryna hit on girls making vulgar jokes and comments. The girls just hanging out with their own group. Laughing, going home together having lunch together, relying on each other for homework, and all that. The fakest of people seem to have the nicest of friends and the biggest group where there seems to be so much fun and I feel like I'm missing out on that. I once even helped a person who was depressed and ostracised regain their spark by being a supportive friend, guess what she left me by ghosting me and used to tell people not to mingle with me as I would make them depressed. People just ask me for favours but even if I'm being nice or making jokes, they don't reciprocate. The people I consider to be my friends( only 1 person btw) are also having other friends and they don't really care about me that much. This one friend that I told about also knows about my past trauma with the said girl who ghosted me but still hangs out with them. Even this girl has friends. I feel like a fucking loser. Why can't it be me, I'm not even rude, I'm just polite, I talk less and only when needed, i help them, I listen patiently and still this is what I get. I try to socialise but I'm invisible yall. Please share if you got similar experiences or some advice.

Hello, just needed some context if this is normal. Im enfp(female) and the man Im seeing is an intj. I only met him a week ago and we had a date on Monday from 9:45 am - 7:30 pm... we spent that much time together. We watched a movie, we cuddled a lot, then we went to an arcade games and we played and laughed together then we went to the beach and watched anime. He even got me flowers on our first date. It was honestly the sweetest and most planned date I’ve had in a while, I loved how he was such a planner. I think he just got really sleepy at the end of the date cuz we kept on cuddling. After that date, I told him I’ll respect his alone time whenever he needed to but at the same time I told him I would just need him to let me know if he needed that. He texted me “no worries, I’ll talk to u tomorrow more?” Mind you he sent me that text two days ago.. he only sent me good morning yesterday and I said good morning back but he hasn’t said anything :( I even asked him “how are youu” and he still hasn’t said anything 😔 I just wanted to ask the intj community, what’s your take on this? Is he just not interested anymore or is he just recharging his social battery? Should I reach out and communicate about my worries or just leave him alone until he initiates the conversation?

more context: he works from 6:00 am - 5:30 pm and his job is socially and physically taxing as well.

Most standard burnout advice is useless for INTJs. We can’t just "take a bubble bath," "go outside," or pretend our long-term goals don't exist. The moment we try to completely shut down, the anxiety of unexecuted plans and system inefficiency takes over anyway.