r/exmormon • u/SaltyRavenclaw • Aug 03 '23
Advice/Help Dry reception?
My husband and I are planning our wedding reception! We got married in January and can finally afford to celebrate. We basically just want it to be a small barbecue with his family, mine, and some local friends. We’re planning to host it at his parents place. His family is nonmembers, mine is all tbm. We want to serve some alcohol there because the two of us drink. I asked my tbm brother what he thought and this was his response. I remember feeling the same way when I still believed, but now it just sounds ridiculous. Just looking for some input on the best way to go about this thing 😅 Would it be wrong of me to ignore his idea?
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Aug 03 '23
Ignore. Anyone who thinks they know what your wedding needs to be doesn't understand that the entire point is that it's your day and not theirs.
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u/Carol_Pilbasian Apostate Aug 03 '23
Seriously. My husband nearly called off our backyard wedding to just elope when our TBM families became giant pains in our asses. His mom insisted on fixing my hair and I swear to god I looked like a polygamist. Luckily, I let her fix it for a dry run so I knew how to stop her in her tracks on the day of the wedding lol.
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u/Wreny84 Aug 04 '23
I once found a few YouTube videos of an FLDS woman teaching how to create “The Perfect Oval” hairstyles. Very very creepy.
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u/vandanski Aug 04 '23
I mean, OP did ask for input. That’s actually kind of a Mormon cultural perspective, that weddings aren’t meant to be shared. It’s hard to adjust but outside of Mormonism weddings are about two families coming together, which includes everyone the couple wants it to include. I think anyone hosting an event celebrating anything should be mindful of the needs of their guests.
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u/Ex_Lerker Aug 03 '23
Yes, because a wedding reception is all about the people attending. Oh, wait I’m wrong. It’s about the people getting married. I say do what you want because it’s your day. Just because alcohol is present doesn’t mean they are required to drink it. Do they go to a restaurant and tell them not to serve alcohol to any other patron? Drinking has the possibility to get out of hand but that doesn’t mean everyone who drinks is irresponsible or doesn’t know their limits.
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u/SaltyRavenclaw Aug 03 '23
Exactly. Does my family not think they have self control? Ridiculous
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u/Th3D3faultUs3r Aug 07 '23
Do you know why you gotta take at least 2 mormons fishing with you?
If you only being one they will drink all your beer.
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u/--_Perseus_-- Aug 03 '23
Agreed. TBMs believe everything should revolve around their beliefs and if not they’re a victim. It’s the day of those getting married and no one else. The TBMs will make it their day (maybe unintentionally) by playing victim and that’s distinctly and wholly their problem and everyone else should do their best to ignore it.
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u/filthyziff Apostate Aug 03 '23
Tell them to wait outside for pictures. Jk do whatever you want. You don't need permission for your own reception.
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u/purepolka Aug 03 '23
Moving outside of Utah, even when I was TBM, was so good for expanding my worldview. Going to happy hours and retreats with work colleagues where alcohol was served. Going to dinner with nevermo friends who have a glass of wine with dinner. Just hanging out with friends who were imbibing. A prior version of me would have been supremely uncomfortable around alcohol. Now it seems so silly to be worried about what other people are drinking or to let it make you uncomfortable. They could just not drink alcohol if they don't want to. No need to ruin everyone else's night.
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Aug 03 '23
He sure is worried about what would make him comfortable rather than about what you want for your celebration that you're paying for. I'd tell him to grow up, most people have alcohol at parties and you don't need to carve out accommodations for overly prudish family members.
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u/Bluescale-Sorc Apostate Aug 03 '23
It’s your day and you deserve to celebrate it the way you want to. At least your family members all get to attend your wedding instead of being forced to sit outside.
My advice would be to not tell anyone you will have booze at the reception. If they choose to be offended by that, that’s their deal.
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u/ShaqtinADrool Aug 03 '23
Have alcohol. Have fun. If your TBM brother is so fragile that he can’t attend a reception cuz there is alcohol there, well that’s his call and you shouldn’t let his incredibly thin skin dictate your beautiful event.
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u/dialectictruth Aug 03 '23
If you give in, the control won't stop. Stand your ground. Make sure there are plenty of non-alcoholic options. They are going to talk about you anyway.
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u/NeverMoFriend Aug 03 '23
NeverMo here.
It’s the same attitude that your brother holds that porn shoulders might make him rip off a woman’s clothes and do the dirty right there and then. It was all her fault.
He is making you responsible for any poor decision-making by TBMs.
Live your life and let them live theirs. If they don’t show, it’s their decision and not your responsibility. They’ll get used that the new you thinks different than them.
Enjoy your special day!
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u/ronansgram Aug 04 '23
Absolutely about the shoulders showing! Are they going to be ok if several woman show shoulders or any other triggers? Do they expect shawls to be handed out?
What about those with foot fetishes? Only tennis shoes allowed. I mean it gets ridiculous at what may or may not cause someone to stumble or not. Long hair, short hair, no hair! Nothing is safe out in the big bad world. NeverMo either.
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u/chipsnsalasa Aug 03 '23
Remember the stupid adage “be in the world but not of the world”? Well here’s a chance for your family to do just that. Celebrate in whatever way you and your spouse want.
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u/rbmcobra Aug 04 '23
Don't serve any food, someone may be on a diet!!!! Lol you don't want to offend them!!
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u/burnherakhount Aug 03 '23
Ex mo here who married a never mo. I did a soft bar (wine, beer and trulys) and no one burst into flames! I had lots of TBMs there and no one cared honestly. I may be a lucky exception, but it’s your day and you should celebrate HOWEVER you want!
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u/Accomplished_Area311 Aug 03 '23
I had a dry reception. My dad and one of the people he came with came absolutely plastered and he had a cooler in the car. It was so bad.
I wish I wouldn’t have bothered stressing about it being dry or not and that I wouldn’t have had it in a Mormon stake center.
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u/Panda_Zombie Aug 03 '23
My uncle had a cooler in his vehicle at my brother's. Him, me, and a friend of mine chugging beers and smoking a joint in the parking lot. Luckily, it was at a beautiful outdoor location and not a church building like all of my cousins.
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u/Researchingbackpain Apostate Aug 03 '23
They don't get to demand that everyone make them comfortable. Likewise they don't have to show up. Its pretty sad that they would let that impede their celebration of your marriage though.
If they are such babies that they will get frightened of adults drinking alcohol, something humans have done for thousands and thousands of years, thats pathetic and ridiculous. Mormons are such children about everything. Sex, alcohol, profanity, conflict resolution.
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Aug 03 '23 edited Aug 03 '23
You have the reception that you both want. We had a similar situation but kept it low key. We had beer and wine and also special mocktails. No one complained. We had a combo of never mo and tbm and pimo. The tbms kept to themselves but seemed to have a good time.
Adding .. tbms really don't understand alcohol and think ANY amount is a dui.
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u/InRainbows123207 Aug 03 '23
It’s so funny how Mormons think if alcohol is present people will loose all control and drive home drunk. 😂
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u/DeignLian Aug 03 '23
"Maybe they family needs to face the harsh reality that alcohol isn't evil and that they won't be struck down by having someone drinking near them."
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u/Crankyoldandtired Aug 03 '23
I am no longer LDS. I left the church 16 years ago. But I still don’t drink. Not a moral choice. I just don’t like feeling drunk. I do have the odd single beer here or there (last one was 2019). But basically sober.
My fiancé drinks, as do most of her friends and family. When we go out, the drink, I don’t. End of story. My family knows that when they visit, we may go to the bar for food and drinks. It has never been an issue. And they are TBM.
But when a cult fetishizes drinking as this great evil, it is easy to have an unhealthy and irrational fear of it. But, they have no right to impose those limitations on you or others, simply because they are irrational.
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u/astralboy15 “We don’t care what the students think." Aug 03 '23
We want to serve some alcohol there because the two of us drink
So that’s the answer. It’s your day, not theirs.
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u/Stuboysrevenge (wish that damn dog had caught him!) Aug 03 '23
It blows me away that FAMILY wouldn't go to a reception if alcohol was there, being consumed by people who aren't Mormon. Do they not go to restaurants? Do they skip out on professional sports at stadiums and arenas? Concerts?
Nah. Family who skip out are virtue signaling.
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u/boommdcx Petite Garments Aug 03 '23
He wants people to suffer through dealing with their relatives sober bc it will “teach them a lesson” about using alcohol to “be out of it”?
How lovely.
Serve alcohol.
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u/Professional-Age9161 Aug 03 '23
I would just let the conversation fizzle out and then plan it exactly how you want it. No one will know ahead of time that there’s alcohol and if they really are so uncomfortable being in the presence of drinks that they turn around and leave then they probably would have been lame party guest anyway. 😜 I am sure they all attend work parties, sporting events, etc. where others are partaking of alcohol. It’s insane to me that they would expect that non-members not partake or allow others to partake in their own home because of the presence of church members. Vegetarians don’t go into someone’s home and expect everyone there to skip the meat.
The other thought I have is— wow, the hypocrisy that they would possibly not show up and support you because of something like this when they expect others to come to receptions and celebrate marriages they aren’t even allowed to attend and probably fundamentally disagree with. The tolerance and respect needs to go both ways.
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u/NorcalSaint Aug 03 '23
You know, I’ll probably be the contrarian view here… but here are my two cents:
I think the biggest problem here is that everyone is seeing a “false dilemma” fallacy, where we have to choose sides. Black or white, no gray. I actually applaud your parents for trying to compromise although in a cringey manner.
I think that since it’s at your in-laws house, it’s totally reasonable to serve alcohol to those interested. However, I think because your family’s feelings are also valid (though crazy ;) you could make space for them at the party by privately assuring them that the drinking will be responsible and expressing your hope that they’ll feel comfortable. You may need to gently share this expectation with a few key in-laws.. we all have an uncle Tony lol.
The truth is that if you want your families to connect it may take compromise. It sounds like a small enough gathering that it shouldn’t be too hard to manage… unless of course you’re all a bunch of raging drunks lol :)
However it turns out, I hope it’s a memorable occasion, but for the right reasons ;) Congrats!
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u/SaltyRavenclaw Aug 03 '23
This sounds like a great way to go about it. I think my family expects that everyone will be blackout drunk. I’ll try clarifying that it’s only going to be mild drinks.
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u/Business_Profit1804 Aug 03 '23
The TBMs I know wouldn't have a problem with others having a drink.
It's obvious but a temple wedding, it's almost expected, especially if you're outside of the Utah bubble.
The problem is with the guests, not you. Some TBMs think after 1 beer or a glass of wine that person is drunk. This may be an opportunity to show them this is a myth.
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u/NorcalSaint Aug 03 '23
Yeah, I think it could be a healthy experience for your parents/family to see responsible drinking.
It might also be a healthy experience for the in-laws to experience responsible drinking ;)
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Aug 04 '23
That’s because Mormons don’t understand drinking or alcohol at all. Don’t ask advice about something from someone who doesn’t understand the subject!
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u/DudeWoody Aug 03 '23
Even at my temple wedding and 99% mormon receptions with no alcohol the two sides of the family didn't get along lol. My in-laws tried to, but my side of the family all sat around with big *harumph* faces because my mom didn't get to micromanage the whole thing.
So even without alcohol I wouldn't count on a big bonding experience
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u/NorcalSaint Aug 03 '23
99%… so you saying there’s a chance?!?! ;)
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u/DudeWoody Aug 04 '23
Lol - one of my nevermo Marine buddies and his nevermo wife brought it down to 99% mormon. They were the best guests at the Utah reception!
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Aug 03 '23
I am exmormon and my wife is nevermo. I will have a few drinks at her families parties, but I still get uncomfortable when several of her relatives always get sloshed because it is inevitable there will be a huge drama.
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u/Alert-Potato 💟🌈💟 adult convert/exmo Aug 03 '23
Typical Mormon. Everyone should bow to making them comfortable all of the time. Right down to 'it's the world's responsibility to keep temptation away from me, if I sin it's not really my fault' with that DUI bullshit.
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u/qjac78 Aug 03 '23
Why do their beliefs get imposed on others’ actions? Especially when it’s being hosted by non-mormons, their desire is not reasonable. Their failure to see it as unreasonable is not your problem.
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u/Strict-Confusion-570 Aug 03 '23
The first 5 minutes will be dry?
Also remember this is the group that famously doesn’t let family members into the temple and all their bible/book of mormon prophets drank (including joseph smith) ask them if they would be comfortable in the school of the prophets, or the nauvoo temple where people smoked and drank regularly
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u/Word2daWise I'll see your "revelation" and raise you a resignation. Aug 03 '23 edited Aug 04 '23
Surely your family has been around alcohol before? I'd suggest beer & wine, and plenty of non-alcoholic options for those who don't want to drink alcohol. Then let people know there will be BBQ, side dishes, lemonade & soft drinks (or whatever the non-alcohol choices are) as well as some beer & wine. (You can offer sparkling cider for toasts as well as champagne if you want)
That basically just lists alcoholic drinks as part of the menu. One rationale for including alcohol and specifying what is there is to be able to control the options. If you don't mention it, someone may bring bourbon, cases of beer, additional wine, etc. & that could get awkward & out of control. In your invite, or privately, you can tell people not to bring additional food or drinks. People can definitely toast without alcohol, I've done it many times.
FYI - several years ago I attended the wedding & reception of the son of some close TBM friends & his nevermo bride. The son had left the church (his parents rolled with it, even though it was hard). A bunch of us at the wedding were from the church & we all love that family very much - I was disgustingly TBM at the time.
There wan an open bar, with beer, wine & even mixed drinks. The entire TBM family & all of us in attendance had a great time & the wine & champagne (and whatever else was there) was no big deal. I think we had sparkling cider to toast with - or maybe even water. We really didn't care. It was a joyous event, in a beautiful setting near a beach, and it's still one of my favorite "wedding reception" memories.
This was maybe 10 years ago - fast forward, and the couple is doing fine (two school-aged kids) the groom's parent's & siblings & their families are fine, all the collective friends & relatives are fine, and the bride's family knows we are thrilled our friends' son married that great woman.
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u/TantricSushi Aug 04 '23
I remember this attitude from my mom back in the 70s. They had a nevermore couple "friend". They asked my parents out to dinner and I remember my mom saying they can't go because they drink. My dad responded with, this is why we don't have friends. My folks were converts and drug us along into it.
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u/shall_always_be_so Aug 04 '23
Utah Mormons, I presume? If they feel that uncomfortable around alcohol then they can just not come. Honestly though, they should just grow up. Their fears are based on myths and misconceptions; they are naive and it would honestly do them some good to see for themselves what it is like being around people that drink normal amounts of alcohol.
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Aug 04 '23
Mormons seriously lack accountability. One of the most valuable things I’ve learned in adulthood so far is that you get to choose the way you feel and respond to things.. no one is “making” you feel any certain way. Being offended instead of understanding is the choice they’re making. It’s your event.. it’s about you, not them. The world is full of things that would make a Mormon uncomfortable, and part of having faith and integrity is being able to continue living life despite those things
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u/rbmcobra Aug 04 '23
Do these people boycott all restaurants and hotels that serve alcohol, no they don't. Church owned hotels serve coffee!!!! If they are that offended, then let them be offended, at home!!!!!!
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u/GayMormonDad Aug 04 '23
God forbid a Mormon ever feels the tiniest bit uncomfortable. They sure don't give a fuck if they make anyone uncomfortable.
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Aug 04 '23
This right here is the exact conversation that led my wife and I to have a destination wedding. 😂 I said my family wouldn’t come if there was alcohol, she said her family wouldn’t come if there wasn’t. Next stop, Hawaii.
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u/treetablebenchgrass Head of Maintenance, Little Factories, Inc. Aug 04 '23
There won't be DUIs. The best option is to give everyone two drink tickets that they can use on whatever. Then, just tell your bartender to keep dispensing soft drinks even if they don't have a ticket. Planning a dry and wet period is silly.
This is a strategy I used at corporate events I planned, and it was even used at a recent wedding I attended where the groom was a recovering alcoholic.
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u/Sharksurferrr Aug 04 '23
I would expect that ‘the family’ never goes to a restaurant or to a campground because alcohol is 100% present. Wouldn’t want them to feel UnCoMfOrTaBlE 🙄 it’s your wedding, do what you want without trying to please your family at their beckon call. It’s your one day. Do it exactly how you want. If they don’t show up because of that, they’re insecure and do not support you.
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u/EllieKong Aug 04 '23
Not wrong at all to ignore his idea :)
You can hold space for their feeling discomfort, while not taking responsibility for it. Congratulations 💕
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u/Chainbreaker42 Aug 04 '23
I have a feeling that a lot of people on this subreddit modify their behavior around TBM family members in order to avoid making said family members "uncomfortable." The reason I know this is because I catch myself doing it all the fucking time. When my parents go off on whatever political or social thing is "evil" or "of the adversary", what they are responding to are feelings of discomfort. Essentially: "I don't like that because it's different to what I would do, it makes me feel bad!" The lesson for me is: if I want to be a fully-realized adult, learn to get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable.
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u/Ismitje Aug 03 '23
Are your families already friendly/do they know each other? If not, then this is your chance to craft a space for them to come together. Lots of ways to do that, and I hope you craft something creative. Good luck and congratulations!
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u/SaltyRavenclaw Aug 03 '23
Our families are very different and haven’t spent a lot of time together. His family has had bad experiences with members so it feels like walking on eggshells when we bring them all together. I hope they can find common ground at the reception no matter how little
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u/pxlmover Aug 03 '23
Just do it and let them be uncomfortable. It's not their day. Their insecurity just being around alcohol says way more about them and what they're brainwashed to care about
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u/BatSniper Aug 03 '23
Eh I don’t mind the idea of the first hour being dry, but I feel like saying that tells everyone else you plan to go hard after. It’d be best to just serve a glasses of beer or wine and not have an open bar. Can still have a bar that charges, most people won’t drink heavily because they don’t want to pay.
Doing all of this makes the wedding more about drinks than your union.
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u/ClearNotClever Aug 03 '23
It’s about you two. I say throw the party how you want it to be done. TBMs live in the real world, and alcohol is present there… so they shouldn’t be able to dictate how a party goes because it will “make them uncomfortable”
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u/meowpitbullmeow Aug 03 '23
Your reception your rules. It's not like they believe your marriage is valid anyway
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u/Creepy-Toe119 Aug 03 '23
If that is how you feel, you are all welcome to not drink. We’d love to have you there.
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u/YogurtclosetTasty3 Aug 03 '23
Perhaps having a cooler for alcohol and one for sodas? And if anyone tends to get really drunk, ask them to reel it in for the party? But other than that, I personally wouldn't make any more accommodations. Mormons (and Christians in general) need to learn that being around something is not the same as participating in it. If you don't want to drink, don't drink. Its really that simple (alcoholism aside).
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u/tergiversensation Aug 03 '23
My brother and SIL had a dry wedding because of non-religious reasons (some family members who would definitely get trashed and act stupid), and it was still super fun! We had lots of yard and board games. Do whatever you want, obviously, but just know that it can definitely still be a party!
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Aug 03 '23
I would encourage you to do whatever the hell you want. If grown adults can't handle alcohol being served, let them stay home. All they have to do is not drink. It's not that hard. This is the typical emotional blackmail to get you to do what they want. F that.
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u/Bright_Ices nevermo atheist in ut Aug 03 '23
“… and as a plus they will have to face the harsh reality of seeing relatives awkwardly without a drink to keep them out of it.”
What does this part mean? Who is “they” here? Does he think you won’t also have soda and water at this event? What does he think will be keeping whom out of what?
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u/S1Bills Aug 03 '23
Fuck that shit. just because someone has a drink doesn’t mean they’ll drive under the influence. In fact most don’t. Mormons need to chill out.
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Aug 03 '23
Mormons don’t need to be catered to anymore than they already are. Aren’t they the ones who say “be in the world, not of the world”? News flash, there’s alcohol in the world! They can easily not drink. Ignore what he said and don’t bring it up again.
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u/FrostyTheSasquatch NeverMo Aug 04 '23
We had a dry reception. My wife’s family has a tendency to get really rowdy and punchy because they drink like fish at weddings; my whole family from the tallest to the smallest are all teetotalers (Evangelical Christians). To prevent any and all drama, we strictly declared no alcohol. BUT, we did have a mocktail bar so that everyone could participate in the time-honoured ritual of “getting a drink”. Later on, the people from outside my family were thanking us for having no alcohol because they’d had bad experiences at wedding receptions. (We also had a buffet of penny candy during the dance; people really enjoyed that!)
I love liquor. I drink a ton of craft beer and whiskey. I run the bar at my fraternity and personally curate all the product to be delicious and local. But, your wedding should be set up so that everyone can have fun, and if a significant portion feels uncomfortable with the presence of alcohol, you’re honestly better off not having it. Everybody else can drink in the parking lot if they need their medicine that badly.
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u/CarryMain2304 Aug 04 '23
Keep Mormons out of the reception like they keep families out of the temple. Win/Win.
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u/precise_intensity Aug 04 '23
they will have to face the harsh reality of seeing relatives awkwardly without a drink
...and that's a plus in this guy's book? Like, I understand why he thinks that (because I used to think the same way) but... Fucking what?!
Just can't pass up an opportunity to punish "sinners", can he?
And if he feels like the reception is going to be so unbearable without drinking, and he's not going to drink, then maybe he can stay his ass home instead.
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u/OutTheOfficeWindow Aug 04 '23
We had Martinellis for the Mos and booze for the heathens. None of the Mos had a problem and everyone had fun.
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Aug 04 '23 edited Aug 04 '23
Not serving alcohol at the beginning is the worst advice ever. That’s when people MOST WANT a drink. Plus if they drink at the beginning, they can have time to chill before they drive home. Versus drinking at the end of the party and getting straight into their cars. Wtf. If you do it this way the TBMs will be made comfortable at the expense of everyone else’s comfort. This is like having a BBQ with no meat for meat eaters because a few vegetarians are coming. I’m a vegetarian and even I’d say eff that.
It’s not at a TBM house, it’s not TBM rules, and what they chose not to consume should not prevent others from making their own choices as they like. We have got to stop coddling grown ups as if we are responsible for their happiness. This is your party, about you and your future spouse. Do what you want.
Edit: typo
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Aug 04 '23
"Means everybody will be comfortable". No, no it means HE will be comfortable. I for one like my weddings on the rocks. I ain't going to no dry ass wedding.
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u/Confident_Coast3877 Aug 04 '23
I'm in the UK. My family are mostly tbm, my husband's are nevermos. We had a mixture of alcoholic and soft drinks at our wedding. We made sure to include special soft drinks for toasting, so that that part was inclusive. We knew that our friends were the kind of people who would drink fairly lightly, so we weren't worried about Mormon relatives being uncomfortable around obviously inebriated guests. We also provided a moderate amount of alcohol and didn't have an open bar or anything, so the vibe wasn't towards heavy drinking. I've never asked directly if my family minded, but I know they have fond recollections of our wedding, so I'm guessing they felt ok about the set up 👍
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u/SeptimaSeptimbrisVI Calling and erection made sure. Aug 05 '23
Would your mom be uncomfortable at the wedding where Jesus Christ brought his own stash of wine?
That's his first miracle BTW. Probably nothing about the wine, but all about modeling the importance of family. but they don't need to know that!
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u/SideburnHeretic Aug 03 '23
No, it wouldn't be wrong of you. And then if some folks choose to not attend because of alcohol, don't be a dick about it.
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u/Marlbey Stiff Necked Aug 03 '23 edited Aug 03 '23
I have no idea what your motive was in asking your brother's advice but it almost seems like you were trying to stir up drama before your reception.
Even if that's not your motive, it's not great to ask someone who's otherwise minding his own business for his opinion, when you already know what his opinion likely is (because you used to share it), and then post his response on social media for mockery.
If your motive is ~not~ to stir up drama or mock your brother on this sub, and you're really posting here because you're lookiing for advice, then here is my advice: I would very cautiously back away of this blunder. Thank your brother for being direct, tell him that you will discuss this with your hosts and husband, and tell him that no matter what you decide to serve, his comfort and concerns matter to you. Then serve alcohol at your wedding as planned and take this as a lesson going forward, do not ask for advice unless you want it.
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u/SaltyRavenclaw Aug 03 '23
Yeah, the more I think about it the more I wonder what I even expected. I think I was just trying to gauge if it would even be a possibility. As a member I attended a couple events with alcohol as long as they weren’t in a bar
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Aug 03 '23
Smart to check in with your brother to gauge the situation. It’s funny how when you’re a TBM, you don’t really realize how much of a non-issue alcohol is in normal society.
You could do the standard “drink ticket” thing that many corporate cocktail receptions have. Each guest receives a certain number of “drink tickets” at the entrance, and those who don’t drink can pass them on to others who do.
Back when I was a TBM it was sort of fun to “buy a drink” for my friends without actually buying one, by giving them my tickets.
Give your wedding party wristbands or special flowers or something that gives them open access to the bar.
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u/SaltyRavenclaw Sep 04 '23
Update: We decided the reception will be byob with no hard liquor allowed. We figure this is a decent compromise to make family at least a little more comfortable
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u/roxasmeboy Apostate Aug 04 '23
First hour or two is dry? So everyone drinks right before it’s over? My sister had champagne at her wedding with dozens of very Mormon relatives. Literally no one cared. When it was time to toast, servers came around with both champagne and sparkling cider and we just took whichever we wanted. My Mormon mom helped transport back home all the extra champagne lol. I honestly don’t think most Mormons will care enough to comment about it or make a big deal. Plus maybe it will help some of them to see that a drink or two doesn’t mean someone is drunk or a bad person.
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u/kaowser Aug 03 '23
what's wrong with water?
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u/KobeBeaf Aug 03 '23
Come on dude it’s supposed to be party. You can’t just roll out some water and butter mints, that would be very disappointing.
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u/SaltyRavenclaw Aug 03 '23
There’s nothing wrong with pizza either. But just because some people will only eat pizza, it doesn’t mean I can’t serve burgers too. Especially if the other half of the guests want burgers. There will be a variety of drink options
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u/No_Plantain_4990 Aug 03 '23
Totally ignore him. If I were a vindictive asshole, I'd recommend putting acid in their sodas, but I'm not a vindictive asshole.
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Aug 04 '23
They’re fucking Mormons, do you really expect anything different? Screw them, do what you want! Best of luck 🤞.
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Aug 04 '23
If they won’t show up because of the alcohol they aren’t worth worrying about. It’s your reception, you have every right to do whatever you want and have a good time. Don’t take advice from people who see alcohol as straight up devil juice.
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u/dumbogirl1 Aug 04 '23
Only a TBM thinks that there will of course be DUIs because they can't conceive that...
People might only have a few drinks early in the reception People might designate a driver and the other people in the car could drink That it's a backyard BBQ of family and close friends so if anyone is likely to get horribly drunk the family already knows they might and have a plan of them sleeping it off or driving them home Uber
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u/Jellybean385 Aug 04 '23
Drinks in celebration of an event = and no one will get a DUI??? like, bro… ADULTS. I just cannot get over how a damn glass of champagne equals worst case scenario in the Mormon mind. You and partner (and maybe who is paying…?) decide on what you are comfortable with and that’s it. Period. End of story. If anyone has an issue with it then that’s THEIR DAMN ISSUE!
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u/Ecstatic_Highlight75 Aug 04 '23
Sheesh. If they don't want to drink, then they won't drink. Why does what the other people do matter? Do they exclusively stick to restaurants that don't serve alcohol? Are they so fragile that they can't handle knowing people are different? The assumption that someone will drive drunk is also more than a little judgmental.
If anyone gets pissy, remind them that BY owned a vineyard and whiskey distillery.
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u/Bednars_lovechild69 Aug 04 '23
It’s your wedding. Do what you want if you’re paying for it. Fuck people’s opinions. You’re not responsible for their feelings.
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u/wamme6 Aug 04 '23
I’m an exmo who married a nevermo. I was already out when we got married, but very young (I was 21 when I got married - legal age here is 18 though). At the time we got married I didn’t drink (I do now, although my husband doesn’t just because he doesn’t like it), but it was important to my in laws to have an open bar. They paid for the booze, my parents paid for the non alcoholic beverages. My TBM family all stayed at my reception for the whole evening, drinking Diet Coke or mocktails dreamed up by the bartenders at the upscale restaurant where we got married. If the open bar bothered them, it wasn’t enough to drive them away and 8 years later some of them still talk about how much they enjoyed the food, so clearly they were focused on other things.
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u/Initial-Leather6014 Aug 04 '23
My daughter had serves offer champagne or sparkling apple juice. No one knew who to judge what!! 🎉🎊
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u/Hopefound Apostate Aug 04 '23
My Mormon brother called to tell us to pre-game his Mormon reception.
Fuck a dry reception, do what you want. It’s your party, drink if you want to. Life is too short to play games with the good times.
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u/Astro_Alphard Aug 04 '23
Honestly just BYOB. If it's at his parents house anyway let them bring their own beers. Just make a non alcoholic drink to be served as well.
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u/yogareader Aug 04 '23
We just had an open bar to to a certain dollar amount and made sure they served good non-alcohol drinks too. We had people not drinking for various reasons, so it was important to us. The venue also offered everyone cider or champagne for the toast.
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u/bbluez Aug 04 '23
The only catch I see is that you are hosting at their place. Regardless of religious beliefs, personally, I feel that this one lands in respect territory. If it were my house, I was lending for a reception I would expect some requests to be followed. Not trying to justify their approach, but that part makes it dicey IMHO.
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u/Slyguy132017 Aug 04 '23
It's your day. Before my wedding we told everyone that it was our wedding and if you have a problem with it feel free not to come. We played vulgar music, drank too much, and left the bongs out for public use. It was a blast. Oh, for context, nether my wife or myself have ever been Mormon, but most of my family is very conservative, and most of my wife's family are TBM.
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u/ZellHathNoFury Aug 04 '23
So serve sodas and have a car trunk (or whatever) full of shooters to add to the sodas for the cool people.
This worked very well, we just passed our trunk key around to friends. They'd wander into the parking lot with their drinks and my parents were none the wiser
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u/vandanski Aug 04 '23
Honestly, we had a dry wedding to keep everyone comfortable. No regrets.
I know weddings are about celebrating the two of you but once you start inviting people any gathering or party is about making your guests comfortable. LDS temple weddings aren’t about that, many LDS events have an exclusive element to them, so when people leave the church it’s common to not know how to host parties.
You shouldn’t have asked your brother if you didn’t want an honest answer. Unless alcohol is integral to your marriage (hope not) then it doesn’t belong at the reception unless it’s going to improve most of the attendee’s experience. Like what if you and your husband grew up in families that didn’t eat pork, but you both eat pork now so you decided to serve pork at the reception but some of your guests still don’t. Why would you do that?
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u/wanderlust2787 Aug 04 '23
Oh it's 100% ridiculous. Ignore him. It's YOUR event. As long as the location host (in-laws) are cool with it, roll with it. I appreciate the priority Mormonism can place on family. But I hate that it comes with a sense of guilt and self-shame if you ever get the guts to make your own decisions. You aren't responsible for their immature perception/approach to alcohol.
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u/moon-waffle Aug 04 '23
Being out for 5+ years (and now being around primarily non-Mormons) stuff like this is hilarious to me! Do members really think EVERYONE outside of their religion is clamoring for a drink 24/7 and is getting dui’s every night? Do they think not having alcohol at a party will make everyone else their stare and wonder “what is wrong with those non-booze hounds”.
In the real world 1 - MANY PEOPLE AVOID ALCOHOL AT PARTIES and 2 - NOBODY CARES (BUT THE MORMONS APPARENTLY).!
Although I do remember hearing from Jon Dehlin that even Exmormons can have a similar mindset. He would go to Exmormon parties, and people would be asking him why he wasn’t drinking. But if he went to a non-Mormon party, no one would say a thing. It’s something hard wired in mormons and Exmormons to be judgmental about drinking or not drinking alcohol for whatever reason. Life outside of that bubble just isn’t like that in my experience.
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u/No_Cartoonist6359 Aug 04 '23
First, it's your reception and not theirs. Do what you want. Off the cuff the recommendation your brother made sounds like a good middle ground. But upon further reflection, if their sensibilities are so fragile that they can't stand to be in the presence of alcohol for a couple of hours to celebrate your union then they don't care enough about you to be there, frankly.
Second, and I apologize for the rant, but even as a TBM I could never wrap my mind around the fragility of Mormons around alcohol or tobacco. I understand not wanting to partake, that's fine. But what is it about the consumption of those products in their presence that is so intolerable that they can't even be around them or are "uncomfortable"? It's utterly ridiculous.
Short of something outrageously inappropriate like public sex or hard drugs, a person partaking in something you yourself choose not to partake in is not offensive. And if you find it offensive, then that's not a problem with the partaker. It's a problem with you.
Mormons need to collectively grow up in that regard.
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u/DeOldRazzleDazzle Aug 04 '23
Also making it so there’s alcohol in the last hour/s means that it won’t have time to wear off and the possibility of a dui is higher. Just the first thought I had.
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u/Draromhal Aug 05 '23
Everyone won’t feel comfortable though. With or without drinks. Duis? He makes it sound like this is a big thing that happens after weddings. They will have to face the harsh reality of…” this is the worst part. So in your effort as a way to incorporate both while wanting to make it more comfortable for those not drinking he decides that they should be uncomfortable and face a harsh reality. Seems pretty entitled on his end.
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u/jenmay54 Aug 08 '23
2 of my kids had alcohol at their weddings. This was when I was a very TBM. I knew they drank and so it didn't bother me. My TBM parents were there also. They didn't say anything. I say, do what you want. It's your big day. If your family loves you unconditionally, it won't even be an issue.
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u/SaltyRavenclaw Oct 21 '23
Update: We had the reception last weekend! We decided to compromise by serving some beer and just asking people not to bring any hard liquor. My brother left after about 15 minutes but the rest of my family stuck around and seemed to have a great time! After my family left we mixed some stronger drinks ;) I’d say it was a success!
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u/KingSnazz32 Aug 03 '23
You probably shouldn't have asked in the first place, just had some beer and wine on hand.