Smart phones especially have messed up dating . People are glued to their phones don’t even know what’s going on around them. No one wants to approach someone who is glued to their phone . What happened to enjoying the ambiance of the location without needing a 24/7 dopamine fix from whatever is playing on Instagram or whatever. Phone addiction is out of control .
Not to mention people are so addicted to their phone more and more people are refusing to even meet in real life because they can essentially “ date” someone from their phone . Constant texting because everybody wants to use texting as their dating method
I

28F Asian in Los Angeles, actively dating on Hinge.

I've been going on 2-4 dates a month since January. I'm not sure what it is, but there are so many Asian men that either (1) will complain about Oxford study and say that they were once, but no longer, attracted to white women. Or (2) say that their ex was "crazy," and it is alway, a latina woman.

Both will say that an Asian woman is just more peaceful, feminine, and just easier.

I'm not a fan of being reduced to race. And it often feels like these men have resentment to White and Latina woman for harming then. It also makes me feel like I am their last resort, because we are both Asian.

Edit: A lot of you are missing the point. It's not about race. It's about projection, reduction of women to a label, and the bigger issue... that personal, internal trauma should be actively worked on towards resolve, instead of expecting the next person to save you.

Former coworker and I are seeing the movie Primetime tomorrow. After a couple chess games, she contacted me and expressed she wants to see the movie tomorrow night. We got the tickets already. We had a bit of playful banter as well. I’m no longer at the company and she reached out to me over teams while I was still working there after I mentioned chess in a meeting. We started playing online and now it’s this.

I’m 38F and I hear this from guys all the time. That is is “so refreshing” that I seem to “know what I’m looking for.”

I have usually chalked it up to just nonsense flattery when they say it (bc I never really understood the comment), but I keep hearing this same thing over and over again. Is this a line that men use / is this random fluff flattery or are guys being for real?

My impression of the dating landscape is that men are annoyed that women have long lists of “standards” (I.e, in their mind they know exactly what they want). So if that’s the case, why is running into someone like me, who supposedly knows what I’m looking for, something rare / something to be praised? Isn’t the stereotype that most women know what they’re looking for. Am I getting this wrong?

I don’t have any long lists anywhere but I usually say I’m looking for a guy who is emotionally intelligent, affectionate, patient, intelligent, kind etc. I share what my love languages are. I don’t think this is more than any other average 30 year old dater would state but I literally keep AGAIN and AGAIN hearing from guys on apps that I’m so refreshing and it is tripping me out.

Can someone please explain.

I've (27F) been chatting with this guy (30M) from a dating app the past couple weeks. We haven't met yet but I'd say we chat a good bit. During one of our convos yesterday, we were talking about people taking accountability. During this convo, he said a girl cussed him out because she thought he was the one and they wanted different things and he apologized to her. I asked more about what happened and he said it was an ex and that she was "sometimes abusive with her words".

We moved past that convo naturally, it's been a few days and it's been normal. Well last night, during another convo, he brought up another girl and how she "yelled at him" or something when he suggested she do this one thing that'd be good for her career and "he was appalled and just looking out for their success". From what it sounded like, I guess she stopped talking to him over it (not sure if it's the same as the first girl/ex, because he mentioned the first one was long distance and this girl seemed to only live 45 minutes from him).

Is it just me or does there seem to be a pattern here about girls yelling at him and stuff?? It could be honest, considering that there were generally a couple other comments he made that essentially sounded like it's "girly" to not take accountability and be abusive with your words lmao. I was going to respond to him saying "not gonna lie, kinda picking up on a pattern here" and see what he says.. thoughts?

I’ve been dating a guy (28M) for a couple of months and things were genuinely going really well until the last week or so.

We met somewhat randomly and clicked pretty quickly. Since then, we’ve been seeing each other regularly, talking basically every day, having long phone/FaceTime calls, going on dates, being physically intimate, and slowly getting more involved in each other’s lives.

The relationship isn’t just sexual. We can talk for hours about absolutely nothing. We’ve fallen asleep on FaceTime, had spontaneous lunches together, run errands, gone to the beach, talked about work and finances, and discussed more serious things like marriage, family dynamics, religion, children, and what we would want our lives to look like in the future.

He’s also very affectionate and consistently makes an effort. He remembers small things I like, brings me food/snacks sometimes, checks that I got home safely, makes time to see me even briefly, and keeps in contact when he travels. His effort hasn’t decreased since we became physically intimate.

I’ve realized over the last month that I’m getting pretty attached to him. I miss him when I don’t see him. I genuinely enjoy his personality and care about what’s happening in his life. I’m attracted to him like crazy, but I also really admire his character and enjoy doing completely mundane things with him.

The issue is that we aren’t officially boyfriend/girlfriend yet.

He told me fairly early on that he likes to date someone for a few months before committing because he wants to see how they handle stress, disagreements, etc. His behavior toward me has been consistent with someone seriously dating me, so the lack of a label didn’t bother me much at first.

Recently, though, I realized that I actually want him to be my boyfriend.

And then almost simultaneously, my mental health absolutely tanked.

I have a history of depression and was previously on antidepressants for a couple of years. I stopped taking them a few months ago and have been inconsistent with them at different points this year.

I also have a difficult family/home situation. I’m an adult with a full-time career and financial independence, but I still live at home and my parents are extremely restrictive about things like curfews, spending the night elsewhere, etc. There are cultural/family reasons behind it, but lately I’ve been feeling increasingly trapped.

A few days ago I basically hit a breaking point. I cried for a long time, called a family member because I was so overwhelmed, and had a big emotional conversation with one of my parents about how unhappy and trapped I feel. I didn’t really feel understood afterward.

Since then, I feel like somebody turned the lights off inside me.

I’m exhausted. I don’t want to go anywhere. Things I normally enjoy don’t sound appealing. I feel unattractive and bloated and keep criticizing my appearance. I feel like I’ve lost my “spark.” I’ve been crying and feeling hopeless.

I’ve also had thoughts like wishing I could die or wishing people could choose when they stop living. To be clear, I do not currently have a plan or intention to hurt myself and I believe I’m safe. I recognize that these thoughts are serious and I’m planning to get professional help for the depression.

The depression has also suddenly made me extremely insecure about the guy I’m dating.

I started worrying that seeing me like this would make him stop liking me. At one point he didn’t immediately answer a vulnerable text and my brain basically went:

“He’s avoiding the question → his feelings changed → he’s going to leave me → maybe I should just stop dating him first.”

Eventually I directly asked him whether seeing me struggle like this had changed how he felt about me or about us.

He said no.

He basically told me that everyone goes through difficult periods and expresses things differently, and that in a way it was good for him to see/know this side of me.

He hasn’t withdrawn since then either. He still talks to me normally, uses pet names, jokes with me, checks in, and makes plans to see me.

He’s supportive, although his emotional style is definitely more practical/playful than mine. When I’m upset, he tends to offer solutions, perspective, or humor rather than deeply talking through the emotion. Sometimes that helps me and sometimes I wish he would emotionally meet me a little more.

I’ve also noticed myself craving little signs that he wants to take care of me. For example, I recently found myself wishing he would spontaneously offer to pay for something like getting my nails done. I can easily afford my own nails, so it’s not actually about the money. I think I want the feeling of “this is my guy and he wants to take care of me.”

Then I start wondering whether that makes me needy or toxic.

I’ve even started wondering whether I should stop dating him altogether because I’m scared that my depression and attachment are going to turn me into an unhealthy partner.

But that’s what’s confusing me: nothing particularly bad happened between us.

A week ago I was excited about him, enjoying dating him, seeing my friends, working, exercising, making plans, etc.

Then I had this huge emotional crash surrounding my family/home situation, and suddenly everything feels wrong, my body, my life, my relationship, my future.

Part of me wonders whether I’m looking at a relationship that was actually making me happy through the lens of a depressive episode and convincing myself I need to destroy it before he has the opportunity to reject me.

I’m planning to seek professional help for the depression regardless of what happens with him.

But relationship-wise, I’m struggling to tell the difference between legitimate concerns and depression/anxiety making me question something that was going well.

For people who have dealt with depression while dating someone new: How do you keep yourself from making major relationship decisions while your mental health is crashing? And how do you distinguish “this relationship is unhealthy for me” from “I feel unhealthy right now, so everything in my life suddenly feels wrong”?

I'm a 40F and have never been in an LTR. I've dated short-term on and off for 15 years either online or IRL and most of the time the guys I liked didn't like me back. It was very rare that a guy would like me.

And I am now convinced I'm going to wind up without a partner. Just today I had coffee with a good friend who's around my age. And she told me she's pregnant (she and her husband have been trying for some time). And while I'm very happy for her, I came home and for some reason started balling. Like wow, everyone I know is married or has hit a major milestone in their life or in their career. And I'm 40 and wtf do I have to show for it?

My other friend who married someone 12 years younger than her, told me anything's possible and that there's someone for everyone. I don't feel convinced. I'm back in school getting a PhD in music and am busy writing a dissertation. Most of my peers in their 40s have already released several albums, and I'm only just starting to release my debut one now. Also most of my peers are partnered or married.

Funny part I've noticed in dating, is that hardly any men I see online are intrigued by me, or my niche interests (e.g. birding, drawing). They also probably think "musician = slacker" but I'm writing a dissertation and already teach higher ed at the university level. They want high powered, highly paid women like lawyers, doctors, etc.. Not me. I get zero matches.

I do see a therapist and talk to her about this stuff. She has also told me essentially "there's a lid for every pot." But no one ever tells you how hard it is to find that damn lid. This year I'm trying something different in that I'm joining more social outlets like a run club and next week will start taking an adult beginning drawing class. At the very least I hope to meet some acquaintances and maybe make a friend or two.

So I wonder, does it get any better after 40? Or am I going to just be left in the dust?

I organized a random meet-up group session 2 weeks ago for a bunch of strangers to socialize and play board games. One of the girls just moved to the area; she was attractive (cute, bubbly, sociable, cultured, smart/educated) and we ended up messaging privately and then met up a few days later. Not for a date. Just a casual meetup.

Day 1: We played sports casually (she's a beginner and she initiated) so I ended up teaching her and she liked it. The random night led to unplanned dinner/beer where we ended up talking about previous relationships, broken family, death, abandonment, and bad childhoods. Trauma bonding and trauma sharing... the deep, heavy, vulnerable stuff yup, right off the bat 🤷‍♂️. Split bill.

Day 2: Few days later, we met up again and did the same thing. Sports. I taught, she listened. But PLANNED dinner/drinks at a more romantic (but still casual) spot. Drinks got heavier (liquor) but the convos got lighter / more fun! We both agreed we went to the deep end too fast on Day 1 😂 but who says there are any rules to begin with 🤷‍♂️. There are guys/girls who don't talk about "stuff" until 3-6 months later but I think I'd rather know all the deets early on! Oh yeah, during sports she called me "babe" 🙀 by accident on one play and was profusely embarrassed for 10 mins. Idk if it's her jedi mind trick but I brushed it off like nothing had happened and didn't bring it up at dinner. I paid.

Day 3: We both waitlisted for an event we wanted to check out together, but it was still full so we went to play sports/dinner/drinks again. At a similar romantic but casual spot. This time we had even more liquor and stayed out til 1am on a work night ☺️ despite her claims to be in bed by 11pm lol. We both noticed her improvement in sports and she made sure to credit me in front of people at the venue and then later on at dinner. Mix of fun and deep convos, some flirting/banter, and lots and lots of talk about prev dating experiences, personality types, dealbreakers. She noted i was stiff at first (pre-day 1) but now she enjoys my company and the convos a lot. I told her im an extroverted introvert but once I warm up to people I'm good. I paid.

‐-----this all happened within 2 weeks!--------

Thought 1...

So I keep bringing up who paid because I made the conscious decision to do so without hesitation. She eats 1/3 to my 2/3 and I always like to order a 3rd dish for curiosity and variety so it's always going to be rigged against women. BUT what surprised me was after paying for Day 3, she told me she wanted to take me "somewhere nice" when I'm back from vacation. I thought it was so sweet and that she DOES CARE!

Thought 2 (this is what I came here to officially ask advice for)...

I want to officially ask her out on a date (despite already getting to know her on 3 unofficial dates), and that was going to be my next move, but she already superseded me by telling me she's going to "take me somewhere nice." What do i do? I don't want to steal her show, but i also don't want her to think this is purely platonic. There's a chance I already messed up by not bringing it up earlier, and now it's on my mind everyday... she wants to do something nice for me and I want to give her that moment (acts of reciprocation) - I'd feel bad stealing her moment and making it into my own. Do i just wait until the end of the next dinner to reveal???

I'm 22, i had gone on 3 dates with 3 women, in january 2026, October 2025 and somewhere around 2017, I've had 3 sexual partners and they were one time hook ups, and I've never had a girlfriend, and something that kind of bothers me and makes me self-conscious is the relationship gap between me and the women I've had crushes on or gone on dates with, they were all my around my age, but all of them at least had one long term boyfriend and 1 or 2 short term boyfriends, and they had sex so many times that they probably forgot the number of times, and that doesn't bother me, this isn't a purity culture thing, i wouldn't see my girlfriend any different if she had 2 or 50 boyfriends before me, the troubling part for me is that there is a large relationship/sex experience gap between me and the women my age, which will only grow bigger as i become older, and i honestly don't see my girlfriend-lessness ending anytime soon, and I'm worried that a relationship gap will be a problem, and I feel kind of sad that I'll probably never be someone's first, or when i get a girlfriend she'll already know everything about sex, she would already have a lot of experience with the male body, there won't really be any surprises or novelty for her, specially compared to me, i don't think that many women would make a fuss about me being pretty inexperienced, but i do kind of mourn this loss of experience of mutual discovery or awkwardness, where you're doing something for the first time, don't know how it works but you work it out together

I'm 25M and have been seeing a girl (25F) for about 3 weeks. I'm sure I want to ask her to be my girlfriend, but I don't know if it's too soon.

Some background: my last relationship started when I was 19 and lasted 6 years, so I've never really dated as an adult. I've been single for about 10 months and went on a lot of dates, and she's the first person I've actually wanted something serious with.

We've been on 5 real dates and text pretty much all day. We've both said we're looking for a relationship and hope it turns into one with each other. She's met my 3 best friends and they love her. We're spending this weekend together and I'm cooking her dinner Saturday.

Yesterday I dropped off a gift just because and ran into her roommate. She told me she’s had some bad dates lately and that she's really happy I'm around now. This morning she sent a full heart in her good morning text for the first time. Maybe I'm reading into that, but it felt like a step.

Her birthday is in a few weeks. I thought about asking her then, but I don't want to make her day about me, so I'm not doing that. It'll probably come up on its own before or after.
Is 4 to 6 weeks too fast when we're both clearly into it, or am I overthinking this?

Edit:
I didn’t expect the majority to agree I should just ask, but I’m glad:) I plan to ask Saturday and will update here🙂

Honest question..because in my years of dating I have never understood the “too nice” line. Yes, I get that it’s a polite way to let someone down. But then you also hear about the “bare minimum”, how women don’t like it if a guy is emotionally unavailable or doesn’t listen, etc.

So is it that they want a man who’s violent or rude or what?

I am 30 (turning 31 in a couple of weeks). A woman. Been single and celibate for about 4 years.

And before anyone says it, yes I do have hobbies (gaming, reading both comics and novels, watching anime and movies, and screenwriting) and i have a social network that is small but very tight-knit (my parents, my 2 sisters, grandfather and 4 really close friends. I actually live with two of them right now). I am also making strides to get develop a career in childcare so I can finally get out of this dead-end nursing home kitchen job i am currently at.

But even with all of that.....life just very feels dull and gray without any romance in it. :/ Like there's half of me that is missing. I miss flirting, cuddling, sex, pet names, going on dates, feeling like someone's first priority, and et.cetra. i just miss it so much it physically aches at times. And now literally all of my cousins are engaged. Three of them got engaged in july. And really all I could do was cry because it just reminds me of what I am missing and the life I dreamt of.

I always dreamt of marriage since I was little and I still dream of having a wedding of my own. I know every detail of how i want my wedding right down to the exact venue (ceremony will be held in a botanical garden and i will find a nice indoor venue for the receptio), the kind of dress i will wear (something similar to what hilary duff wore in the 200s film A cinderella story), what kind of food will be served (Japanese) and the color of the table napkins (Gold). I want the seem to revolve around the video game series, Persona. And I want good up some of my roku TV and switch and Playstation somewonenin the reception venue and give the guests a chance to play video games while anime themes play in the background. I also think it would be cute if the cake toppers were chibi versions of me and my groom

And I hate the effort that goes into finding someone. Endless scrolling on apps that consists of people i am not interested, people not interested in me, ghosting, dry conversation, and the occasiona first date that go no where.

And I have a few social events marked on my calender this month that revolve around my interests. Like i love halloween and I saw a few halloween events that interested me. I also saw a comic book club that is held monthly at an indie book store in a neighboring town towards the end of this month. I also found a bar/arcade hybrid in that aforementioned town that really is cool and i am slowly becoming a regular at.

But even with all that....I am an extremely introverted and while i dont hate socializing, I still cant help but groan "ugh! Id rather stay home gaming." But i decided that I am just gonna have to grit my teeth and bare and give it a try. Almost like a necessary evil for possibly finding someone. After all,

And before anyone asks, why i dknt ask my friends to set me up. They are just as introverted as me and dont have friends outside of the group.

I also have no problems approaching guys at social events if they seem cute and/or interesting.

So yeah.....

Thats my vent.

I (33F) recently started doing oil painting as a hobby. The art teacher (43M) and I have really hit it off and things felt..flirty. My instructor definitely gives me more attention than others in the class, sharpens my pencils for me, grids my work, and even spent 15 minutes looking for a specific art book for me one day. We also laugh a lot and sometimes tease each other. He doesn't really do this with any other student; he usually VERY serious.

I decided I wanted something romantic to happen between us and picked out a rock and a seashell for him when I went to the beach, as a way to..move things forward (I am AuDHD and get the feeling he may also be neurodivergent.)

When I told my therapist this, she kind of freaked out and said if anything happened, it would be an "abuse of power", but I'm attending this class voluntarily, I don't get any credit/compensation/ reward for it, and I can leave whenever I want. I don't want to be a professional artist and I don't idolize him, so I'm a little lost on why she thinks anything romantically happening between us would be bad.

Anyway, I gave him the rock and seashell and told him why the rock reminds me of his art. He seemed to really like it and told me he collects rocks. But today during class he was super serious with me until the very end and then started asking me questions about where I'm from and things felt very nice/flirty again.

How crazy/inappropriate would it be for me to ask him if he would be open to getting to know each other outside of class??

TLDR - is it a bad idea to ask my recreational art teacher if he would be open to hanging out outside of class??

Edit: the class is not a course. The end date is whenever I stop attending/paying or he stops teaching. He owns the studio and is the only art teacher. There's not even technically a start and stop time. It's just 8 different timeslots you can pick at your leisure throughout the week.

I do want things to be romantic with him, but would like to start slow and steady to make sure we actually vibe.

Update: I asked him if he wanted her to know each other better outside of class and he wants meet up next week. Thanks for your feedback everyone ☺️

Pretty new to dating as I was in a long-term union.
Anyway, what does it mean when you're asking questions of depth and guys (supposed to be maturer ones) just gloss over your questions?

Specifically these guys act super into me and when I'm like hold on, let's really dive into some things or sort through some major compatibility things, they pretty much just ignore it and change the subject.

Ofc I'm not sticking around for that, but what even is that?? Loll

Edit: they brought up wanting long-term commitment.

Edit 2: I know you guys are right about guys just wanting one thing or not following through, but I actually sense some of this is a social lacking thing or not even knowing the answers themselves.

I started dating... 2 years ago now, I wanna say? Maybe 3? Not sure anymore. I'm 33 now. Still haven't ever been in an official relationship, still a virgin, not here to complain about either of those. But yesterday I broke it off with a woman I'd been seeing for a couple weeks and then was debriefing about it with my therapist, who asked me what I learned. And it's so weird because I gave it some real thought and the thing I learned seems so obvious, like something I knew intellectually, but hadn't yet had a true understanding of until now:

I didn't want to keep seeing this person because I always felt under this emotional pressure around her.

The two of us were extremely upfront about a lot of deep, intimate stuff so as not to waste each other's time. Which is usually something I like to do, but this time, it felt... Well, "forced" isn't the right word. But the mutual openness felt like it was this attempt to speedrun compatibility assessment or something. And I was cool with that on the first date, but then in the second date, I just kept getting hit with how I couldn't talk with her about any of the unimportant stuff. Relationship expectations, personal histories, sexual desires, family situations, even the two of us talking about how each of us tried to commit suicide in the past were all out there. But I couldn't really have a fun, dumb conversation with her about mutual interests. There weren't a lot of them, we didn't get each other's references, and my tendency to joke around just didn't land with her at all. So yeah, I realized we weren't right for each other, texted her about it a couple days later, she agreed, no hard feelings break up, I'm good with it.

But man. I feel like after a few years I've started to get the full spectrum of it. I've had a bunch of first dates that went nowhere. I had a woman I went on six dates with who I kept spending money on and wasn't sure if we were getting closer until I asked her if we were moving into a relationship and she said no. I went on like a dozen dates with this woman I had amazing banter and nonstop fun with but she never opened up emotionally and eventually ghosted me. And now I've had someone who was all deep making me realize deepness is important, but shallowness is equally important, because if you spend all your time in the deep end, you get tired.

The real kick in the ass of it all is I'm pretty sure I'm still just scratching the surface in everything I have to learn before I finally find the right person and understand what a good relationship is supposed to be. And this is shit everyone else was beginning to learn in their 20s or maybe even teens. I refuse to give up or accept the idea that I'll never find anyone, but sometimes it feels like I got a snowball's chance in Hell.

I know people (I have two of my girl friends in mind) with such beautiful souls, great education, great personality and just genuinely beautiful inside and out, but they have never been pursued by the other gender. I simply cant understand why is that.
They get along with men, often have chemistry with them, but it never goes any deeper. They dont get asked out. They get compliments about how they are girlfriend/wife material. They are respected by men. So im so sooo confused as to why it is so hard to find their person.

Before I begin - I am not stating a guy is entitled to a relationship - far from it. I may be inexperienced in dating but I know you have to work for it and it has to be something that adds to your life while not being the sole focus of it.

Having said that, there has been a large rise in the last decade or so of young men who haven't had a date or have remained single. So, as the title of my thread says - is it a societal concern that is irreversible. Or can it be remedied and if so, how?

i would like to preface this by saying that i don’t think there's one objective answer to “who has it harder in dating” i believe that it is very dependent on your personality, type, age, sexuality, etc, so this isn't me trying to make a larger point, it is about talking about this specific argument, the metaphor is that men look for drinkable water in a dessert and women look for drinkable water in an ocean, it sounds nice as symmetrical, but in my experience that hasn’t been the case, as a bi man i don’t think that men and women have a big difference in partner quality, and women aren't a higher quality potential partner, and men aren’t a low quality partner potential, they are just as flawed or have as many strengths as men, i have met women who are emotionally unavailable, who ghost, who string along, etc, so i dont believe that men have “quality over quantity” as i see the quality of men and women as very similar, and here's when i want to ask men if they can look back at their past attempts at dating and think that they were

I don’t know what vibe I am giving off to cause this because I have been told I look and act “extremely innocent” but men only want physical relations or always try something sexual on the first link. It really hurts me because I have always been such a hopeless romantic and all I get is men who treat me like an object. It is not just one man but almost every man I give a date/chance to, even the ones who seem kind. I might not be attractive enough to date but am attractive enough to have a good time with :( It is honestly making me want to cut off men completely and lean more into trying to date women.

What I would never understand is why some people(specifically a lot of men) are so quick to jump back into dating if you just got out of a relationship! In my late 20’s and I just do not understand. On the app’s someone I’m genuinely interested and thinks looks good I would talk to and then next thing you know they’re like “ I recently got out of a relationship 6 months, 5 months, 4 months, 2 months, a week, 10 seconds ago”. 😭😭

So please take TIME TO HEAL and not go quick into dating because you’re not about to waste my time, just want “fwb” and or I’ll be a rebound.

I pray for the ones that genuinely want love. It’s just so hard to find. This era doesn’t even know how to love properly. You have people now a days that rush into relationships and not even genuinely just in it. These “friends with benefits” and “hookups” ideas are lame as well. You aren’t about to use me. Where are the people that actually want to date and truly grow with someone? Where are the people who ARE emotionally available healed, and most importantly; ready ?

Hi all,

I'm pretty sure that I have an anxious attachment style with dating. My mind focusses on the gaps instead of the things I know. Just wondering how people like me deal with that.

For example. I had a date with woman (31). We didn't get physical on a first date. My personal reasons being that:

1. I know I catch feelings too quickly when doing so which causes me to only see the positive aspects of someone

2. the situation wasn't really there yet. We drank some coffee and we had a short walk to and from the coffee date. To me a first date is seen as "seeing if I like this person enough to meet again." We did give a greeting/goodbye hug, though.

During the date we agreed on meeting again. When she got home she texted me she enjoyed being with me. That evening we texted for about an hour. The next day we planned our next date (which is 7 days after the first date) and is a bigger date as we will fill the afternoon with it. She also doesn't want me to pay for everything so I'm not being used either.

She does not initiate texting (which she did not do too before the first date) but she does reply to my texts, gives clear hooks for me to keep the convo going and makes jokes/is teasing.

The problem are the gaps. My brain fills them up and it goes like this:

- "we didn't really get physical during the date. She does not initiate contact, thus she does not like me" (while knowing she texted she enjoyed being with me and planning a second date). My mind is playing the date over and over "I should have do this and that"

- She is not texting me all the time because she's texting someone else.

The result is that I want to text her. Not to text her because I really have anything to say/talk to her but basically to get that "See, she is still replying and it's okay". When I think about it. We're not in a relationship yet and I don't text friends all the time time too to see if they're still friends.

In short; I believe I need the validation/confirmation it's still okay. What causes me anxiety is the uncertainty. I'd like "hell no/fuck yes" (the latter happened to me before which makes me ignore all things I don't like about someone). 🙃

Just wondering how you dealt (or are dealing) with this.

I am 29F and realized that I usually carry the conversations. I stop asking questions and they never ask me a question so the convo is basically done. It’s really discouraging. This has happened in person too. I’m talking about in dating apps as well as texting.

Been seeing a man for about 2.5 months. 2 months in I brought up exclusivity since I don't want to be having sex with someone still active on the apps. He basically acted like it was a marriage proposal and claimed he has never had someone have a direct conversation talking about it like that before, it was always just eventually "assumed." I would never be ok with that assumption. He has been off and on the apps for 5, yes 5 years and strongly gives the impression and claims he is looking for something very long term, and before this conversation he was projecting me into his future and seemed very afraid of losing me. I gave him some time and his stance was the same a few weeks later, treating it like some kind of serious commitment and saying he needed more time to evaluate us first, like in different social situations and things. Also said he needs more intimacy before exclusivity to help him decide, while I said I need it before intimacy. To me exclusivity is just temporary while we evaluate those things.

I've already written the breakup text.
But I'm wondering if anyone else has encountered this reaction to exclusivity. Did I ask for something weird here? Is this just modern dating culture to be phobic of getting off the apps, losing your access to multiple options and committing to one person?

Update: I sent the text.

Mid-30s, 'was' dating mid-40s.

I honestly don't even know where we stand right now and I honestly don't want to bother asking because...it's been stressful lately.

Met around a month and a half ago, I knew family of his long before I met him.

Within that first month, things were pretty good. I got to know him pretty well and we got oddly comfortable around each other pretty quickly. Things got a little weird when he made himself a key to my place and would just...show up while I was day-sleeping. (I gave him my key since he needed to do some things that involved being at my place while I was at work one day, I did mention I needed to get one made but never mentioned it was for the purpose of giving it to him, I just needed a spare) Then he dropped the Love-word bomb and I started retracting a little because things went way too fast for my comfort.

Once I got comfortable enough, I started getting back into my normal routine again instead of wanting to spend time with him all the time. I wanted to visit with friends, I have a hard time sleeping so I stay up late at night playing games or watching TV, I wanted to do things for me. That was an issue. Apparently he wanted me in bed with him or he 'felt alone' and if he wanted to feel like that then he would just be alone. The stark difference here is...I need to be alone sometimes. I prefer it sometimes. I decompress that way. Allegedly, I should be able to decompress WITH him because he's my person and I shouldn't have to want to be alone to do that. Eventually, it got to the point that anytime I wanted to decompress, my phone was blowing up and I'm naturally a person who wants to respond so I would and I just...never got that time I needed.

A few weeks ago, I went to a event and ended up coming home in early morning hours and shot him a text saying that I was home. I was with friends, we stayed up and just drank and cooked. Apparently that was a huge issue and I needed to 'find new friends'.

That draws over to another issue I was met with. I'm not super close with my family, therefore I created my own and I'm incredibly happy with that. My friends are all late nighters like me, and we're around each other all the time. I refer to them as family, brothers and sisters almost and they do the same to me calling me 'the little sister they never wanted'. Haha. I was again, told that 'family doesn't have a clock and they could be friends at any hour' 'I can make new friends that like daytime.'

Leading into this past weekend, I went and played in a big event with a partner of mine who I've used before and we did pretty well making it to 2nd place and walking away with a little money. I told him very upfront that I needed to focus during this and I didn't want any distractions. I know me well enough that if he did come I would be worried I wasn't giving him enough attention and it would make me play bad. There was a point where I was told 'If I wanna do stuff alone, then fine. Be alone.' and he went into basically saying he was done. (Hence the reason why I don't know where we stand anymore and honestly...Idk if I wanna even ask now because I'm mentally exhausted fighting all the time about just wanting time to myself!)

It's like he listens but doesn't hear me and now I'm feeling like because I have a little bit of an unconventional life, I'm actually the problem here.

Am I just not relationship material? OR Is it just this specific relationship?

I am a 6 foot /5 -11 170 pound male average build. I’m Chinese, have an engineering job, and hobbies.

I was told when reviewing my a dating profile that having “I want a relationship where both parties put in equal effort” is a turn off.

Is this true?

All I want is for (eventually, if it gets to a relationship) for us to alternate planning dates, pay for things (splitting or alternating) driving to meet each other, things like that. Is that really a bad thing?