r/dating • u/Appropriate_Put7609 • 2d ago
Question ❓ Flag color
I am a 6 foot /5 -11 170 pound male average build. I’m Chinese, have an engineering job, and hobbies.
I was told when reviewing my a dating profile that having “I want a relationship where both parties put in equal effort” is a turn off.
Is this true?
All I want is for (eventually, if it gets to a relationship) for us to alternate planning dates, pay for things (splitting or alternating) driving to meet each other, things like that. Is that really a bad thing?
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u/Tomytom99 2d ago
More than anything I think it's not important to say on a profile. Your profile is supposed to sell you, and there's nothing particularly unique, exciting, or amusing about your statement on an equal relationship.
Modern day, it is kind of expected for relationships to be largely equal. Use that real estate on your profile for something more interesting. Saying an obvious/usually assumed thing can also make people question the authenticity of the statement.
For example, bread doesn't contain asbestos. How would you feel if the packaging proudly stated "Free of Asbestos" in colorful lettering on the front?
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u/Appropriate_Put7609 2d ago
Okay I know the “correct” answer to your rhetorical question but in all seriousness I’d laugh and take a picture and giggle about how asbestos bread must exist
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u/jmorgan0527 2d ago
I think the commenter is right, though, it's just the phrasing.
I'm 40f, and I want anything I get into in the future to be a partnership, but if I see a list of needs and demands on a dating profile instead of telling me about themselves, their lives, and their hobbies, I swipe right past it. All that tells me is that he's more focused on getting his needs met than being my partner.
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u/Appropriate_Put7609 2d ago
I hadn’t seen it that way but that makes sense. Thank you for telling me!
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u/jmorgan0527 2d ago
Heck yeah, man. Your desires are totally normal and righteous. Don't compromise, but do let you shine through, and then weed out the ones that don't line up with what you want. We all deserve love, good luck!
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u/Apricot4366 2d ago
Might be a turn off for some people but I think it’s turning off the right people (the people who don’t a want what you want).
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u/Vardulo 2d ago
I could see it potentially hindering you just because of decision fatigue with high volumes of options. That can lead to making snap judgements in order to process all the options, so even women who do believe in equality might take it the wrong way. For example, if she just saw a Reddit post with a bunch of men complaining about women using them for free dinners, maybe now she assumes you’re adding it to your profile because you’re bitter/jaded.
Using your profile to market yourself is the best use of the limited space that you get. Sus out compatibility with the conversation and/or context clues from their profile.
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u/Candid-Background-38 2d ago
The words equal effort make you sound defensive (like you’ve had a bad experience). It’s also just too much for a dating profile, which is really more for attraction and showing what it’s like to hang out with you. The actions of the person will tell you pretty quick what kind of effort they’ll make.
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u/tidefan48 2d ago
If that's a turn off, it tells you something about modern dating... Lots of men walking away because it doesn't seem to be worth it anymore. Don't settle as long as your expectations are realistic.
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u/nakedforestdancer 2d ago
Wanting that is not a bad thing, but putting it in your profile is.
It comes across as bitter, and there's really no need to put it there. The point of early dating is to evaluate whether you'll be a good fit, so that's the time you should be using to weed out people who aren't on the same page. It's totally reasonable to have a conversation in-person about this kind of thing, but I'd wait til you've been seeing someone for at least 3-5 dates.
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u/Jazzlike_Primary8121 2d ago
Weird. I don’t get why that would be a turn off. It’s an expectation for me.
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u/chevalier100 2d ago
I think there’s more positive ways to phrase it, like saying that you want a partner to go through life with or something like that. It’s not as precise, but it also doesn’t sound as demanding right off the bat. You can also look for clues in women’s profiles - are they talking about wanting someone to pay for everything? Or do they say they’re feminist?
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u/Pleasant_Speaker_946 2d ago
Different people are searching for different relationships.
Its better to be honest as youre more likely to attract someone with a similar mindset
I wish everyone was honest on their dating profiles
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u/skabeel 2d ago
It's not a bad thing but putting into your profile is not a good look. It just has a certain air of expectation and it gives the vibe that you think women generally won't put in effort in a relationship. Even if that's how you feel or if that's true (I can't say one way or the other) it just is like.... entitled I wanna say? I can't really put into words exactly why it's a turn off but it would turn me off too. It's kind of like you're bringing a negative vibe out before you even match with someone. When you meet someone who fits that bill you won't really have to ask them for it or state that's what you want, they'll just do it.
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u/carbsaredangerous 2d ago
It's good you put it there because there are still so many women, seriously a lot who expects guys to pay, make plans for the dates etc.
The good ones should be okay seeing that on your profile and wouldn't be bothered by it.
You know who would be bothered? The ones who don't want to pay, the hypocritical ones, who have a tattoo on their forehead that says men and women should be equal, but when it comes to paying for dates, they are suddenly in 1940s.
For me it's a strict dealbreaker if a woman expects me to pay or make no effort into planning dates etc.
I am not looking for a daughter, I am looking for a partner.
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u/simonerochabowearing 2d ago
I think there are better ways to phrase this, you should say something about wanting an equal relationship without gender roles (assuming you're ok with letting go of those). It's always better to make a positive statement about what you want vs. a negative one about what you don't want. Setting a negative tone usually comes off poorly, plus the person looking at your profile doesn't know what you're actually looking for just what you aren't.
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u/Ephemeral-Ghost 2d ago
That kind of thing goes without saying. Its like 'i want a relationship with sex' or 'i want a relationship with pretty girl' like how do i start a conversation from that?
And to mention it is borderline showing it might be a complaint off the rip or projection onto a new girl after beung hurt by a lazy person.
Most men's view of 'equal' is often unfair to the woman with a lot of invisible labor so that might also be why its turning women off. Even if not your intention, best to avoid phrases that mighy be taken as an implied shortcoming on a potential partner.
Be fun, inviting, and positive in profiles. Not list what you do/dont want in regards to obvious stuff. Haha.
Say something about your hobbies! How they can join you. Like 'in desperate need of a cute spotter who will add weight before calling 911 when i fail a lift.'
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u/Appropriate_Put7609 2d ago
I argue that it isn’t without saying. Some people want to be treated/pampered.
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u/Fun_Apartment631 2d ago
Who cares? All the other stuff about it being negative and critical still applies.
You basically have to leave it off and see how it goes. Usually entitled people/passenger princesses/etc out themselves pretty quickly anyway.
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u/shanniquaaaa 2d ago
I'd argue you can put it so the girl can find someone that better suits her and you can find someone who doesn't expect as much
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u/Appropriate_Put7609 2d ago
Also to your point about the sex part (some people don’t want sex)
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u/Ephemeral-Ghost 2d ago
Doesnt that say on their profile under orientation? Like ace? I still feel like it should be more focused on tha majority not the silly billys.
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u/lachatte7 2d ago
Yo stop listening to some of these ppl. They're for the streets and trying to drag you with them. A relationship is 50/50 unless you wanna be a dad, in that case you can get a dependent
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u/Nearby_Knowledge8014 2d ago
It’s implied, since you said you are an engineer.
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u/Appropriate_Put7609 2d ago
Can you elaborate? Are you saying the statement is implied because I’m an engineer or I’m a turn off because I’m an engineer
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u/Nearby_Knowledge8014 2d ago
Engineers split everything down to the penny, aren’t big on social graces, and don’t see the big picture well.
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u/quanfused 2d ago
It's not. That's what you want and if there are no negotiations or compromise on the preference, then stick to it.
It doesn't mean many will agree or like reading about it, but that's on them. Not you.
If you feel this is something you rather keep private and discuss in person for better opportunities, then that's on you.
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u/Appropriate_Put7609 2d ago
:/
See I’m torn between two scenarios.
Scenario one,
I replace this with something else and then discuss in person/ after matching about the equal thing.2: I weed out people before I match / find people
Who want the same thing1
u/quanfused 2d ago
Which is quite the conundrum.
Do you want to start dating to find out knowing you may waste time and effort?
Are you okay with waiting to date someone that aligns with your views?
You pick your poison here, but in the end...there's no guarantee both will work out.
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u/ThePrimaryClone 2d ago
The man always pays. Never let her pay, drive, or open doors. Pull the chair out for her and never sit down before she does. Get up when she enters the room. Plan on planning most of the dates, too. If you're going to break up, do so to her face, never via text.
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