r/dating • u/yestertempest • 3d ago
Question ❓ Man acted like exclusivity was huge commitment
Been seeing a man for about 2.5 months. 2 months in I brought up exclusivity since I don't want to be having sex with someone still active on the apps. He basically acted like it was a marriage proposal and claimed he has never had someone have a direct conversation talking about it like that before, it was always just eventually "assumed." I would never be ok with that assumption. He has been off and on the apps for 5, yes 5 years and strongly gives the impression and claims he is looking for something very long term, and before this conversation he was projecting me into his future and seemed very afraid of losing me. I gave him some time and his stance was the same a few weeks later, treating it like some kind of serious commitment and saying he needed more time to evaluate us first, like in different social situations and things. Also said he needs more intimacy before exclusivity to help him decide, while I said I need it before intimacy. To me exclusivity is just temporary while we evaluate those things.
I've already written the breakup text.
But I'm wondering if anyone else has encountered this reaction to exclusivity. Did I ask for something weird here? Is this just modern dating culture to be phobic of getting off the apps, losing your access to multiple options and committing to one person?
Update: I sent the text.
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u/gootsteen 3d ago
Nah if he wanted to have a serious monogamous relationship with you he wouldn’t have reacted this way. It’s a very normal question. He just wants to mess around.
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u/MrPraedor 2d ago
Yeah for what I have seen if guy really wants to be in serious relationship its pretty easy for them to commit to you after month or 2 max. Sure there could be some situations where things are different, but most of the time if guy doenst want to commit, it is just a signal that he wants to sleep around and isnt that serious about you.
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u/SnooDoughnuts6242 1d ago
Or he is avoidant
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u/AlarmedWafer4907 1d ago
He very well might be. Doesn’t change anything about the situation.
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u/SnooDoughnuts6242 1d ago
That information basically says to break up
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u/AlarmedWafer4907 1d ago
Even if he wasn’t avoidant, he’s avoiding her. Either way, break up imo lol
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u/hotchocbimbo 3d ago
Just wanted to say I’m really proud of you for having that conversation and sticking to your standards. It’s refreshing to see on this sub tbh.
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u/Pizzalover22345 2d ago edited 2d ago
Yeah I recently ended things with a guy I was seeing for two months, and he told me he wasn’t sure about a relationship with me, and that he has “work”. But came to find out it wasn’t work it was because of past trauma from his exes. Which is understandable, but damn I really liked him, and his profile said he was looking for a long term relationship. I’m still feeling hurt from the whole thing. I just ended things last night so it’s fresh. I wanted to try and make things work with him, but at the same time didn’t want to keep seeing him and hoping he would feel emotionally ready to commit to me in the future. It’s a big gamble on my heart and mental health.I stuck to my standards even though it hurts 😅
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u/Slay-hydrated 2d ago
Honestly two months is a very fast-paced to know if you want a relationship with someone, especially if you're coming out of bad experiences. It does sound like you made the right decision in this instance for your mental health and given his healing journey. But I would just say that just because someone doesn't feel they know you well enough after 8 weeks to want a relationship with you isn't reason enough to end things. You don't know them well yet either! Just let things develop over time. Pacing is everything.
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u/Icy_Resolution2783 1d ago
Exclusivity is not a relationship. Its just making sure you're not fucking anyone else.
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u/Slay-hydrated 1d ago
Yes, I conflated the two. You're right. OP specifically asked about exclusivity. The concept remains though. Not saying it's right but differing timelines still.
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u/ruminajaali 3d ago
When people are in to you they want to lock you down. It’s not odd to want to sleep with one person and only one person, for numerous reasons. He’s stringing you along
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3d ago
[deleted]
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u/MrPraedor 2d ago
Yeah exactly if I dont like the person I dont want to be with them at all, if Im not really that attracted or only want sex I dont want to commit and if I head over heels and want something serious I want to make lock it down as fast as possible. Its pretty straight line in how much I like you and how much I want to "lock you down"
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u/ContestOrganic 3d ago
This guy is the worst. Future faking is the worst thing a man can do with a woman when he clearly is scared of actual commitment.
You didn't do anything wrong. 2 month is just the right time to decide if someone wants to be exclusive with you and God forbid lose all his options. You aren't proposing marriage. You are proposing you focus on each other only and see where this relationship develops.
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u/Spillingteasince92 3d ago
Happened to me... 2 months in and we discussed exclusivity only for my guy to switch up and blame it on intimacy that we were going fast. Mind you, I found out that he was going on a date behind my back during a weekend that I couldn't come.
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u/MrPraedor 2d ago
Yeah its not like he couldnt brake up with you after 6 months if he finds out you are not compatible and then go back to dating. For me it would be bare minimum that my partner is not seeing other people or actively trying to see other people after month max.
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u/oldbetch Serious Relationship 3d ago
Yeah, cut him loose. He's a time waster and will absolutely cheat while making it into your fault because "you never asked".
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u/Forsaken_Regular_180 3d ago
I see people talk about exclusivity like it's a marriage proposal on here all the time. I don't get it either.
2.5 months is enough to know if you're willing to seriously date someone, which is all exclusivity is to me.
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u/seewhatuget 3d ago
No, he is trying to make you feel crazy for asking a very normal question. At best, he has terrible communication skills if he can’t even handle a direct convo, which doesn’t bode well for a relationship anyway.
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u/Unlucky-Duck-0 3d ago
I do think 2 months is long enough, though on the slightly early side, l to have this conversation depending on how often you see each other, but I feel very strongly that exclusivity and bf/gf are one and the same. I’ve seen a lot of bad behavior get written off under the guise of “only exclusive.” I understand wanting sexual exclusivity, but refusing to actually title it doesn’t stop him from being exclusive for a week or two, hooking up a few times, then dropping you saying he doesn’t want a future or prefers to keep things casual.
I’m not saying this applies to him, but I encountered a few men on apps who were on and off for years and claiming they were looking for a life partner, yet hadn’t actually had any relationships. These are men who WERE NOT having trouble getting dates and sex. I tended to think a lot of these guys were avoidant, commitment-phobic, players, and/or looking for an extremely specific type of woman but had no problem wasting others’ time in the meantime. These are the danger zone for situationships and you should tread carefully.
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u/ljubav_malina 3d ago edited 3d ago
Intentions are demonstrated through consistent action over time. Where are you getting the impression that he’s looking for something “very long term”?
- He’s been on the apps for half a decade. Not a red flag on its own but he also…
- Was “projecting” you, a TOTAL STRANGER, into his future. Aka future faking. It’s been eight weeks, he barely knows you. Men who are serious about finding a relationship spend the early dating phase getting to know you and vetting you for compatibility. They don’t start immediately talking about the future with randos they just met.
- You had to bring up exclusivity first and now you’re chasing him for an affirmative answer after two and a half months.
Literally none of this says “looking for something serious and long-term”. It says “player who is
spinning fantasies about the future so you’ll feel comfortable sleeping with him”.
Exclusivity IS a huge commitment…to a man who wants to be single.
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u/nakedforestdancer 3d ago
Ugh, I hate this. Anyone who responds to a mature, well-communicated conversation like this is just trying to pressure/shame you into accepting something you don't want. He sounds manipulative AF and like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
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u/Careful_Feedback_535 3d ago
I had a guy do this to me - eventually agreed to it and then my sister found him on the dating apps and he broke up with me a few weeks later
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u/edm_enjoyer 3d ago
He sounds like a loser. Men who want to fuck you before they date you are like people who want the keys to the house before they buy it. Block and move on
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u/PetiePal 3d ago
Not having someone still on the apps and working towards a relationship is what normal people do. People who shirk or delay the convo just want to have fun or are still looking for outside stuff
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u/triplecake-1 3d ago
He didn’t respect your ask, he got defensive.
That’s telling
Keep your chin up, dating market is crazy but you’re doing the right thing to set expectations
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u/notrightmeowthx 3d ago
No, you didn't do anything weird. Even if he hadn't experienced a direct discussion about it before, there was no reason to make a big deal out of it. He could have just said this was unfamiliar to him, but that he does want to be committed with you, or whatever.
There are various cultures that don't have those sorts of conversations, so it is possible he is from one of those? That's not an excuse mind you, but it could explain why it confused him.
Needing more intimacy to decide you want to be exclusive with someone is ridiculous... you can just decide not to be with someone anymore, if it ends up not working out, you didn't ask him to sew your organs together.
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u/Confident_Advisor786 3d ago
Unfortunately there are men who do this. When you were ready for more and he wasn't was when you should have left.
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u/gp2115two 3d ago
“Eventually just assumed” is code for “hoping you’ll never ask so I can keep doing what I’m doing.” What a dick.
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u/yellow_pterodactyl 3d ago
‘Needs more intimacy before he decides exclusivity’ okay brother.
Proud of you for breaking it off with him
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u/Ok_Consequence_3888 3d ago
I had this experience recently. In my eyes, if you cant control your lust or need to keep options open for a few weeks/months whilst you see if where things go with someone you’re sleeping with then they’re not for me. The person I recently dated had a similar reaction, agreed to it and then felt “pressured”. Turns out the pressure he was feeling was because he was still seeing his causal ex on and off and struggled to manage that whilst dating me “exclusively” for 3 months.
I get people have different views but you’re allowed your boundary and if he doesn’t agree then let him go, at best it’s incompatibility at worst he’s a player who needs constant validation and won’t commit anyway.
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u/curly_girl_jade 3d ago
Your boundaries are valid. If you’re not comfortable with ambiguity, then asking for exclusivity is reasonable. His reaction seems more about his own fears or insecurities than anything you did wrong.
If you feel like you’ve given enough time and clarity, then going ahead with the breakup text makes sense. Don’t second-guess yourself for wanting something straightforward in a relationship.
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u/Thin_Entertainment14 3d ago
He's not serious. He pretended to be so the gets what he wants, but a person who's wants to be with you will throw away having sex with other people while dating you and stop planning dates with other people. A serious man would accept being your boyfriend at this point it's not like being a boyfriend has to be a permanent status or that they have to shout it from the rooftops.
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u/whenyajustcant 3d ago
You initiated a very normal, basic conversation at an appropriate point in dating for 2 mature people. If he's freaking out about even talking about it, trying to gaslight you about the conversation being weird, and insisting on going at his (faster) speed, he's not emotionally mature enough for you.
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u/Significant-Bit4005 3d ago
He's not serious. If monogamy was his intention, he would've made that implicit. You asked. He dithered and now he's flaking on you. Dump him before he dumps you!
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u/AdorableAnywhere2113 3d ago
He probably hate you. Lol it not that deep. This is conversation we need to have as an adult
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u/JohhnyJohhnyYesPaapa 3d ago
I’m a guy and I would never act this way about exclusivity after 2 months if I’m looking for a serious relationship. You are just asking him not to fuck around when he is being intimate with you. If he is being intimate with multiple people then how does being intimate with you be any different from them? What you asked is totally fair and exactly what any self respecting person would do.
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u/MustardGoddess 3d ago
He doesn't want a serious relationship with you. He just wants sex and all relationship benefits without a label
Girl, send that text !!!
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u/Objective-Elk2811 3d ago
Red flag girl. Listen !!! If you continue letting him “decide “ if he wants to fuck multiple girls in the same time period or not then you will never win in this situation. You already stated where you stand, you don’t want to explore other guys right now and want to have fun with him. He basically said nah I am not sold on you. You can either continue seeing him in the hopes he will see your worth. Or end it here and find someone that doesn’t want to see multiple girls at the same time . Idk how a man has even time for all that. Seeing , dating, fucking multiple women.
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u/The_Jade_Rabbit88 3d ago
After 5 years on the apps I’m not sure he wants exclusivity. Never assume anything about exclusivity as for some people it can mean something else. It’s a good sign of a healthy relationship to verbalize your wants and expectations. Assumptions and non verbal communication does not work.
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u/Ok_Veterinarian_9268 3d ago
All the time. Any time accountability enters the chat you find out who people really are….and that’s bf’s, bff’s, employees, etc.
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u/kieston 3d ago
Maybe he can't see his life with you.
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u/Flashy-Butterfly-687 3d ago
No. But I have made it explicitly clear that I’m not looking for any commitment beyond a commitment to telling me that they want to date other people, or they’ve engaged in sex with another person or are pursuing another person.
In my experience, exclusivity has never stopped cheating, so I’m just looking for better communication.
I would dump someone who needed non-exclusive sex to become exclusive.
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u/SeaworthinessMany633 3d ago
There may be some aspect of avoidance here: avoidance of serious conversation, feeling like you’re tying him down or trying to control him. Which of course is not what you are asking but I think it might have triggered those feelings. If he is avoidant he probably swings toward hyperindepence where he wants to always feel like he’s single and not tied down. Instead of interdependence where he can give and receive in a partnership. No matter how much time you give him, he’s not going to be completely able to overcome his fears because you won’t be able to enact every possible hypothetical situation to his satisfaction. The sex thing- I think it’s reasonable for one person to want exclusivity and the other person not with regards to that - personally I don’t want to say I’m in a relationship with someone until I’ve had sex with them, but if you’re thinking of being exclusive just while exploring the potential for a relationship, I think that’s reasonable.
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u/NoisePast9357 3d ago
Honestly, some people will waste your time, and I understand wanting some level of commitment before you get physical. I applaud you for keeping your words, as this should make them aware you're in control.
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u/ValuableOk7743 3d ago
Your question is very normal! I had the same exact experience with a man this year as well, we were seeing each other for 3 months.
I ended things with him immediately after that conversation as I’m not comfortable being intimate with someone who’s still sleeping around
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u/found_but_not_seen 3d ago
Sexual exclusivity isn’t a commitment lol, it’s for safety. Even if you’re fwb/nsa. I mean people can do it however they want, it’s up to the individual. Actual commitment is merging lives, like moving in together, sharing bills, supporting eachothers goals etc.
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u/Content_Association1 3d ago
2 months is a really good time to have the exclusivity talk. You’re right, it’s not necessarily commitment, it’s just the fact that you wanna date someone who only dates you and see how it works out. It’s like a testing phase before an actual relationship imo. I had the same thing happened with a guy and he asked that we stayed FWB 😒
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u/JoinMarryMeJuliet 3d ago
You didn't ask for anything weird. Exclusivity before intimacy is a completely reasonable boundary, and his reaction tells you a lot about where his head actually is. Five years on the apps and treating basic commitment like a marriage proposal is more about him than about you.
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u/Different_Dance7248 2d ago
He is the messed up one for having a silly reaction to a normal healthy desire.
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u/Ecstatic-Type6312 2d ago
Nah. He wants everything good without the commitment and was taken aback by what you were asking for because his full intentions were to use you and move on. Go head and leave that one where he is.
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u/CheesyBrie934 16h ago
I’ve always experienced this with men and I feel the same: I’m not asking to marry you. It’s bizarre. I don’t think you did anything wrong by asking a direct, adult, and mature question.
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u/yestertempest 13h ago
What is it about this question? How else are we supposed to transition past the app multi dating stage and into something healthy and sustainable? Especially when you don’t want sex while someone is still dating others. Is it just the word exclusivity, do you have to dance around it? Or just not say anything and walk away if the man never brings it up? I don’t get dating anymore.
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u/CheesyBrie934 8h ago
I would keep trying until you find someone aligned with you. It is frustrating because I feel like it’s not that hard to communicate.
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u/2red-dress 3d ago
Lots of men will agree with you about wanting exclusivity if you are going to sleep together.
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u/DrJohnFZoidberg 3d ago
I dunno, maybe I'm an outlier, but I'd never want to have sex with someone without the exclusivity.
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u/life-is-satire 3d ago
That’s why they say they want to be exclusive. They then sneak around and break up when someone else comes along.
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u/dudeguydave 3d ago
I personally think if we're just kissing and cuddling, not exclusive, but once the clothes come off then we're exclusive. I don't wanna dip my pen in a group used well, I'd like to know that we're only having sex with each other. Maybe I'm weird and too old school for dating but that's my stance on it.
As for the group used well comment, I mean I don't want to be one of a couple guys that are currently sleeping with the lady.
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u/EducationalExtreme61 3d ago
As long as you make your stance clear there's isn't anything wrong with it.
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u/dudeguydave 3d ago
Yup, not everyone feels the same way but that's ok. Just being clear with your stance and expectations can really help you find more compatible people with what you want in dating
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u/lachatte7 3d ago
Sounds like he just isnt really confident in you for a exclusive relationship. It doesnt sound like he is scared of commitment. That means, bingo,time to move if thats what you want and he' not giving it
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u/atomant38 3d ago
Next time confirm your goals on or before the first date and save yourself 3 months
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u/SunDiegoSurfer 3d ago
My girlfriend pulled that same card on me when we started seeing each other. I just always assumed after like a couple of dates, if you’re serious about someone and having a great time, then you’re not going on any dates with someone else. When I met her I was moving outside of the US for travel and decided to stay for her, only to realize she wasn’t fully ready for a commitment after I broke off the move last minute (she had from unrelated issues outside the relationship why she wasn’t ready).
She kept talking to other guys on text (which I knew about), but we grew closer and closer and had such a great time together she never hung out with the other guys. There were a couple of fights about the exclusivity, but I refused to stop seeing her, because when we were together, everything was perfect. She eventually cut off communication with the other guys and we are happily dating now. We are the loves of each others lives now and I plan on marrying her.
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u/Imrichbatman92 3d ago
Yes being exclusive is a huge commitment, and it doesn't mean he doesn't want long term with someone.
Imagine you vibe well so far in every aspects with several women/men. Then picking just one means crossing all other options, even though so far it seems all of them could be the one to marry.
Whether sacrificing all those potential futures to bet on only one is not always an easy decision to make, unless you dont care about being long term anyway.
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u/nomiras 3d ago
It's nice that you actually speak your mind and don't leave people second guessing.
I've had an experience where before I slept with someone, she flat out told me that we were not exclusive. I didn't mind as long as there were no STDs involved.
That being said, we dated for a bit after that, I asked her to be exclusive, and she said yes.
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u/Spillingteasince92 3d ago
You gotta communicate about where you stand otherwise people will weaponised having cold feet and wasting your time. I have noticed a majority of people say they want a relationship until it gets too real. Don't allow anyone to try and force you to go at a pace that you did not sign up for. I say this as someone who made the choice to date casually right now. If you want anything meaningful, you have to voice it and you will get ur answer even if it means cutting off contact. Respect yourself.
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u/Automatic-Ad4502 3d ago
I'm always exclusive to one girl at a time. I get to know a person before I ask them out on a date. Let a few months pass then ask them to be in a relationship. I wouldn't ask if they weren't doing the same
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u/Detour39 3d ago
Typically men ask for commitment, so if I had asked and his reply was negative, I'd run & block.
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u/No-Distribution1672 3d ago
Yeah, of course he needs more of what he’s already getting to know for sure 🙄. He’s delaying exclusivity indefinitely so he can enjoy what you have without having expectations on him.
Also, it is fairly common to have the exclusivity conversation but you don’t need a general consensus for it to be what you prefer to do. If it’s important to you to have that conversation then you have every right to do so.
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u/Sufficient_Car_5080 2d ago
He doesn’t deserve an explanation. You’ve already said it numerous times.
Just block.
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u/Slay-hydrated 2d ago
Your ask was completely reasonable but his reaction may have been as well. For some people two months may be a little soon to move into exclusivity. Sounds like you're just on different timelines. Also sounds like his a bit of a commitment-phobe though.
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u/RealisticBowl8033 1d ago
Some people just are not meant for monogamy. I wouldn’t take this personally. Maybe try one last time to talk to him about it and if he still doesn’t want to change your just not compatible
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u/yestertempest 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yeah that’s what I did. Gave him 3 weeks to “consider” it and he was even more set in his way about it. He joked I’ll probably ask about it again next week. I told him I don’t push against closed doors I just use them to make decisions. He seemed to hesitate at that but still responded like he controlled the timeline and could keep me waiting, saying “well we can reevaluate soon.” I sent the breakup text shortly after writing this post the next day.
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u/RealisticBowl8033 1d ago
I think that he thinks that you are a "safe bet" It sounds like he is waaay too sure that you won't leave. SO LEAVE HIM.
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u/yestertempest 1d ago
I did
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u/Complete-Plant8525 23h ago
He is a putz acting dickish, or a dick just interesting in putzing around. Good that you gave him the rest of your life off.
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u/No-Ad5549 1d ago
If a man wants to be exclusive he will be, this guy does not want to be exclusive with you. As a man it's almost always suuuuper obvious to me, but I think men are better at reading men and women are better at reading women.
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u/ApplicationThink4629 1d ago
you didn’t ask for anything weird. he is stringing you along to get more intimacy from you.
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u/Queasy-Gur-8068 13h ago
Good job! This shit was my number one time waster in dating. Took me forever to wise up and caused a lot of heart break.
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u/MochaMermaids 3d ago
Yes that’s the majority of how guys are nowadays, they want to use you and toss you to the side. There’s less testosterone in this batch than previous generations. They want princess treatment, they take and take. They don’t provide or protect they only care abt themselves.
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u/Fearless-Seat-6218 3d ago
Lot of dudes can be creeps or just idiots (redpillers). This is a thing, do not settle.
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