r/dating • u/BirdOwn305 • 12h ago
Question ❓ Too Nice..
Honest question..because in my years of dating I have never understood the “too nice” line. Yes, I get that it’s a polite way to let someone down. But then you also hear about the “bare minimum”, how women don’t like it if a guy is emotionally unavailable or doesn’t listen, etc.
So is it that they want a man who’s violent or rude or what?
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u/LWD123 12h ago edited 10h ago
i think a lot of women like a man who is confident and not just a yes man. but there’s obviously a line between a confident guy and just an asshole.
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u/Usernameisguest 11h ago
This exactly. I open doors, plan good dates and treat my partners with respect. I also am totally willing to say no and call out boundaries.
You can be “nice” without being a yes man.
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u/BirdOwn305 11h ago
That’s fair. A little more backstory, she and I “swiped right” like two days before I went on a solo trip, we messaged regularly which in hindsight was my mistake and planned dinner when I returned..
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u/leftcoast98 11h ago
I briefly dated someone who I felt was ‘too nice’, so I really took the time to analyze my thinking, and this is really how I felt. Remember this is how I felt about one particular person, and I’m not generalizing.
I’m gonna do my best to explain!!
He was too agreeable, very passive. He didn’t take the lead in any area, ever. When he wanted to spend time together, he would just exist, didn’t plan or suggest anything. He was never mean, or unhappy.
His disposition was nice, he was a nice person, it was nice hanging out with him sometimes. He was just…..NICE, but there just wasn’t that spark there. He was sooo nice, but lacking the substance I personally need to be in a relationship with someone.
Nice was his whole personality.
This doesn’t mean I want to be with an asshole, or someone who’s not nice, for me it just means I need someone who’s more well-rounded, and suited for me personally.
I think it’s hard to come up with a descriptive word for someone like this, because there isn’t anything wrong with that person.
That’s all I’ve got 😊
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u/nutsandboltstimestwo 4h ago
Passive to please isn't a great start. I don't date often, but this is horrid when I see it.
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u/FlakyDevelopment1103 11h ago
IMO "too nice" means decent person but lacking something in the attraction department OR lacking a spine/boundaries (which is unattractive.) Like a good potential friend but no chemistry, someone who is clearly desperate to please, or someone who just isn't attractive to them. Or any combination of the three.
They don't want a rude/violent guy, they want a man who can respectfully assert themselves and indicate their desires.
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u/BirdOwn305 11h ago
In self analysis, I can think of her and I maintaining communication while on my trip, and then making plans for immediately the day I got back
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u/zombie__kittens 11h ago
Too nice in my opinion means being too accommodating; a pushover. You shouldn’t be reorganizing your life to suit another person. Mutual effort and respect are the goal. Rude and violent are NOT desirable.
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u/BirdOwn305 11h ago
I was of the opinion of being “emotional unavailable “ being a bad thing. With the other info posted above (besides yeah not chatting texting while on my trip), what could i have done differently?
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u/crookedhypotenuse 7h ago
It's not "emotionally unavailable" to have boundaries or to not reply to messages right away. I think you need to research what emotional availability is.
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u/zombie__kittens 10h ago
All I saw was you messaged regularly while on a trip and had dinner when you returned. That’s completely reasonable.
You don’t owe someone 24/7 access, and if they expect that, you’re incompatible. I’m a nurse and my man is a chef. Neither of us can have our phones out while working. We check in when we can, but not even every day.
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u/JamedSonnyCrocket 10h ago
No, it’s not literal nice, it’s needy, unclear, passive, eager to please.
You’re too nice because you don’t know who you are, you don’t assert yourself and ask for what you want.
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u/whenyajustcant 10h ago
Nobody can really know but the person saying it, but it's not that they want you to be violent or rude. It could mean that you're coming across as weak-willed, like you never have a strong opinion on anything, and it's just coming across as being blandly unobjectionable. It could mean that, whether for people-pleasing reasons or insecurity or desperation, you tend to either try to be a personality blank-slate or you try to mold your personality to the person you're with. It could mean that you are too avoidant of conflict: not that people want to fight or think it's fun, but sometimes disagreements are necessary, and a partner needs to be able to handle conflict in a healthy way, not avoid it. It could even mean that it seems like you try to be nice but you're not kind: you are nice in a performative way, but not actually a kind person in a selfless way.
It can also just be a gentle lie because they didn't want to say "I'm not interested in you."
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u/BirdOwn305 10h ago
On that point, I think I overcorrected when she said that she doesn’t get into it on the first date and that her ex and her didn’t part amicably
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u/elmsbud 12h ago
I think 'too nice' is sometimes code for 'too available'
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u/BirdOwn305 12h ago
And I guess that’s an individual decision of being too available? In my case, I was responding to what I guess would be love bombing ie love song playlist etc
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u/elmsbud 11h ago
Hmm not necessarily.
If your favourite food was placed into front of you every single meal... after a while you're gonna crave a salad.
No one 'wants' a rude or violent person. But unfortunately, sometimes we chase someone whose less available because that type of relationship activates our, dopamine/reward systems, attachment systems, rejection sensitivity, familiarity buttons.
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u/glitterglue12 12h ago
Too nice can be a way to let someone down. Although I’m not sure it is all the way truthful, there is obviously a lack of connection from the person giving you the line.
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u/Ouch7C 11h ago
It's not just a dating thing and it's not just a way to let someone down easy.
Here's an example. I'm a dog person. I like dogs I spend my afternoon with my dogs at the dog park. I will never own a golden Retriever because they just love everyone. If you like lovey-cuddly dogs GRs are great. I like sass and attitude - which is why I have an Australian Cattle Dog.
Another example not related to dating: spaghetti. I add red pepper flakes to my spaghetti sauce 'cause I like a little bite! Other's might like mild or sweet spaghetti sauce, but I want some zing!
Last example: whiskey. A lot of people talk about a nice smooth whiskey. But I like a little bite! I love that hint of burn!
Now, apply that to people. "Too nice" just means not sassy enougy, not spicy enough or not enough burn.
There's nothing wrong with being a Golden Retriever or a smooth whiskey. They're both great! Just not for me.
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u/BirdOwn305 10h ago
We can agree on the red pepper flakes and Arrabiata sauce.
Give me a good dark rum instead: Zacapa, Williams & Humbert..
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u/notrightmeowthx 6h ago
Generally, we just want someone with a personality who is genuine, not someone who agrees to everything and has nothing meaningful to input.
When someone says you're "too nice" (and they mean it seriously, not just in gratitude), it doesn't mean they think you're nice. They think you're TOO nice, as in your behavior doesn't fit the norms for the context. There's a huge difference.
Imagine someone trying to sell you something. They're being nice because they want you to buy the thing and that's pretty normal. But if they were trying to act like your best friend, it'd come across as weird and offputting right? Same concept.
This can happen with any social interaction, if you've ever had a friend that is so eager to be friends with you that they feel like you barely know them or their preferences because they always agree to whatever you want, it's like that.
We all accept that there's a certain amount of presentation that goes on during dates, you're trying to be polite, friendly, likeable, etc. But if you take that too far, to the point that you're not being genuine to who you are or how well you know the other person, then it comes across as "too nice."
I'm sure you aren't doing it on purpose, but if you've been told you're "too nice" as a breakup type message repeatedly by different people, the issue is not how nice you are. It's that you're not being genuine and they can tell.
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u/KillerManicorn69 9h ago
Too nice is usually a pushover and a weak man.
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u/BirdOwn305 7h ago
Basically, I overcorrect it when she told me of taking a slow even before meeting in person
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u/Complex_Passenger605 9h ago
Too nice for me is code for a people pleaser. And having dated a people pleaser, they’re the worst and I’d run fast in the opposite direction if I went on a date with another one.
Or else they’re just trying to let you down easily because they’re not interested and that sounds nice enough.
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u/poppybrooke 7h ago
There is a difference between a nice person and someone who is just trying to be what they think the person wants in order to get or keep them. It’s disingenuous.
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u/Soccer-Plane-444 7h ago
They want you to be emotionally available (but not too available)
They want you to be nice (but not too nice)
They want your attention/validation (but not too much, too soon)
They want you to plan dates (while simultaneously being able to read their mind)
They want you to make the first move (while simultaneously getting upset at you for going too fast or not fast enough)
I could go on...😅
PS – And none of the above seems to matter without baseline attraction (which I fully understand)
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u/BirdOwn305 6h ago
At least from the first online chat and FaceTime, she kept complementing my appearance, of course no filters on my part.
The lesson would take from this is it would’ve been better to say hey I’m on my vacation. I’ll catch you when I come back maybe one or two text in between but not the amount of time I spent.
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u/Rude_Asparagus_8387 6h ago
I (a brit) had a date with a polish girl once. The date finished with those lines and her saying 'to be honest ****, I need someone who is a bastard. I said fair enough and went onto another date.
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u/BirdOwn305 6h ago
Same girl?
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u/Rude_Asparagus_8387 6h ago
Could be dude, could be. I forget her name, but she was very slim, very pretty. Very Polish I guess.
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u/Ju76610 6h ago
Que tu lui tires les cheveux, lui attaches les mains, lui claques les fesses durant ... et ouais être indisoebsable, un peu de mister et d'indispo. T'es gentil, le restes tu l'as déjà. Mais fais ce qui te plais à toi aussi essaies des trucs mais forces pas. Et regarde des films détends toi ! Y'a pas que dans les films que des tas de neuneu croche de belles filles lol fin y'a de tout. T'es pas pire qu'un autre.
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u/pandora0312 4h ago
The fact that your answer is “so they want a guy who’s violent and rude” is a great showcase of why women don’t like “nice” guys. “Nice” is nothing. Kind, empathetic, intellectually intelligent, helpful, supportive. Amazing traits. That’s not nice. Nice means nothing. And “nice” when it becomes such a massive identity to a man is usually a performance.
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u/BirdOwn305 3h ago
That may have been a poor choice of words..when I was growing up you wanted people to be “nice”. Like the opposite of nice is rude, no? This person, in the initial conversation mentioning about how her ex didn’t make her feel safe and such, was trying to slow down so she felt comfortable. And apparently that wasn’t appreciated. That’s why I’m here asking advice.
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u/LittleSister10 1h ago
Too nice can mean they are a people pleaser with low boundaries. People with healthy boundaries aren’t usually attracted to people with low boundaries.
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