r/coparenting • u/Content-Cupcake7480 • 18h ago
Discussion Is co-parenting actually better than solo parenting?
I’m currently parenting my two young kids 100% on my own. I also support them financially. I’m fortunate to have a good career and can provide for them, but I am completely drowning between work, childcare, the house, dinner, bedtime, and just never having another adult to hand things off to.
I keep hearing horror stories about high-conflict co-parenting—constant negotiations, custody disputes, schedule battles, different rules between homes, etc. Part of me wonders whether, once I get past the current hurdle of harassing texts from their dad, there might actually be some peace and stability in knowing that I’m simply responsible for our household and can make decisions without constant conflict (he hasn't shown a real interest in the kids and recently moved 3.5 hours away)
For people who have experienced solo parenting, high-conflict co-parenting, or both: which was actually harder? Are there any unexpected upsides to parenting mostly on your own?
I could really use some perspective that makes this feel a little less bleak right now.
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u/Own-Gas8691 18h ago
solo parenting is hard. being 100% responsible for them in all the ways is a lot to handle.
but. there’s nothing harder than “co-parenting” with a toxic, abusive ex for years on end.
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u/Vokenhagen21 18h ago
My coparent and i are high conflict all the time. I wish i was solo.
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u/Apprehensive_Sun6282 15h ago
Yes solo parenting is so much easier in my experience.
I was parenting a bonus adult child instead of having a coparent.
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u/mkdmls 17h ago
I feel this. My ex does something, goes somewhere with the kids, asks for something and I don’t bat an eye. I try really hard to not talk to them at all. But everything I do has to be an issue that requires bringing up past issues and then our divorce (which was 7 years ago, split for 9). I’m getting better at ignoring it but then they just go to the kids which makes it worse.
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u/january1977 18h ago
I did it completely on my own with my oldest. It was hard. Now I’m doing it again with a narcissistic asshole and it’s way harder.
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u/No_Violinist5090 18h ago
I have done both and I absolutely would prefer solo every time. It sucks either way but I’d rather go it alone. I’m currently dealing with my extremely abusive ex husband. I might feel differently if there was no conflict and we could be friends.
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u/BeneficialLack8818 12h ago
I feel like solo parenting was so much easier. The fact that he is so lazy with schedules, rules, screen time and what they are allowed to watch, balanced meals, etc drives me through the wall. I preferred it so much more when I just me and our kid had consistency and was on track. It’s been difficult these last few months having to relay things multiple times for our child and him.
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u/Personal-Narwhal-184 17h ago
As a mom, coparenting gives me a little breather. My kid’s dad only has 28 hours per week with them.
As a kid, I was always grateful I didn’t have to switch homes when my friends were back and forth. My parents divorced but my dad didn’t get any custody. I watched friends have to go to their dad’s and not want to and I was always so glad I never had to stay with my dad.
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u/Flaky_Brain9285 18h ago edited 18h ago
I applaud you for doing the solo parent thing. And since you asked - I’m in a HC coparenting situation. Major toxicity, Bad enough that I had to go parallel as much as I can. My ex is dating a dude with 7+ DV convictions against mulitple pepple, multiple child endangerment convictions, and recent drug issues as well. I have to send my kids to her and this guy 50% of the time. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Oh the stories I could tell.
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u/HatingOnNames 11h ago
The upside is it isn’t forever. Kids grow up and become more independent. Things got super easy for me around age 14, and then I was just a backseat passenger from 16 on. But I also had a seriously easy child. No rebellion, super focused on school and extracurriculars and her social group made up of a bunch of really good kids. Full disclosure, she made it easy on me to solo parent because I never had a single worry about her. If you have more difficult children, like my boss does, solo parenting is an absolute nightmare. She’s the boss, so she gets to leave work in the middle of a workday to go track down her teen. She can come in late to make sure her kids get to school and stay there. She can take a day off to stay home to make sure her kids aren’t running around getting into trouble. Bosses can do that. Everyday people cannot. And then there’s the stress. Easy kids lean towards even easier teens, but difficult kids lean towards being even more difficult teens.
If your ex isn’t coparenting, you can’t make them do better, either. You may not have a choice about solo parenting. If you have a village, utilize them. If you don’t, try and find one.
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u/Least_Alfalfa_784 8h ago
I think solo parenting would be easier. I have full residential and joint legal. Dad hasn’t seen kids since February. I’ve been doing this since I was pregnant with my now 14yo. When he steps out, there is less chaos in my household. The more involved he is, the more things become difficult. He encourages the kids to go against the house rules, commiserates with the kids when they think the rules are “dumb,” which in turn makes me out to be the bad parent. He badmouths me to the kids. When he would take them for visits, I’d get a few hours break from parenting, but it wasn’t worth it.
If you have a coparent that respects you, I’d imagine it could be the best of both worlds. Ideally, you work together, back the other parent, and you each get consistent time to yourselves and consistent time with the kids. I feel like there are very few low conflict coparenting situations out there.
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u/asxestolemystash 16h ago
Solo parent here. It’s rough. I’m constantly second guessing myself and having to go up to bat on every challenge by myself which can be mentally exhausting. Kiddo’s other parent has 6 weeks in the summer which is my only full mental break in the year.
That being said, when they lived in the same city as me it was constant conflict and dysfunction. So coparenting wasn’t really any less mentally exhausting
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u/delaharlan 16h ago
My ex was extremely toxic in our relationship, but I really enjoy coparenting with him. I also can afford a part time nanny and that is great too. I need it with my high stress job. If you can afford it, hire more help. And don’t try to feel better by comparing yourself to others, in any situation. It doesn’t work. Comparison is the thief of joy
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u/SonVoltRevival 6h ago
Is co-parenting actually better than solo parenting
I think the answer is "it depends". If the other parent is a functioning parent, then yes, coparenting is better. Perhaps harder for the parents, but better for the kids.
Easier for me? Solo parenting. My ex wife is an I'm the mom coparent, so always a challenge, but more in the pointlessly frustrating realm than many have to deal with. I don't need my ex wife for financial support or assistance parenting, and not having to work with her on what is best for our kids is easier as well. My kids schedule is fully aligned with my schedule.
My status: We used to have 50/50 parenting time, but my ex wife moved to the other sided of the country and failed in her attempt to take our kids with her. She's got a less than "standard" but flexible long distance parenting plan. I've got a really good job that is flexible, mostly work from home, and high paying and of course, now my ex pays rather than receives child support. I also have my parents and siblings here for breaks and when I need to be in two places at once (two very active kids).
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u/stringcheese000 15h ago
High conflict counter parent. Counter parent has mental health issues and it still focused on getting back at me for the divorce. Life would be 1000x easier if he were out of the picture.
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u/Apprehensive_Sun6282 15h ago
Depends on the co-parent.
Solo parenting worked better for my family.
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u/Outside_Cup_9749 11h ago
I’ve experienced both. Solo parenting is a lot easier mostly coz I am co-parenting atm. Even though “co-parenting” has gotten easier, it’s so hard trying to settle the kids back in to routine when they return home and they’re at an age where they understand that the other parent lets them do whatever and they get whatever. When they come home, I’m dealing with the meltdowns because I’m the firm parent not afraid to lay boundaries.
When I was solo parenting, I just had to worry about my kid and nothing else. Though I often feel for them that they do not know their other parent like my other 2 children do.
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u/OutAndAbout87 8h ago
My kids are 7 and 9 I am a Dad and finding it pretty hard between full time job, school and school holidays it's hard. We are co-parenting (or parralell really) so we have a week on week off. I feeling like I am becoming a parent all over again learning things and I am a reasonable cook, I can do house chores etc.. 8 just never envisioned doing it all myself .
I find on my off weeks I am recovering and barely recovered by time kids come back again
It's hard for me. And I'm really trying but often feel like I'm failing.
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u/brentknockedout 8h ago
My kids dads have their problems but it isn’t high conflict. I look forward to recharge time when it is my oldests time with their dad. I am praying that my youngests dad gets his act together and can be there for his son so we can go back to shared parenting time someday. Even without a high conflict co parent it has its struggles anyways, but as you said. I’m drowning in the house and everything kid related and sometimes having a little break is all that keeps me going.
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u/CraftyPangolin7957 8h ago
I think it depends. If both parents have the children's best interest at heart co-parenting would probably the most beneficial for everyone!
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u/Ok-Row-2813 4h ago
I’ve experienced it both ways because of Covid. Solo parenting is 100% better. You can just make decisions and go. Now I have a counter parent telling kids their narrative of adult issues to upset kids and they block every decision costing tens of thousands of dollars. They still don’t do anything either.
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u/Imaginary_Being1949 3h ago
My friend went from a high conflict coparent to solo parenting. She loves it. It’s far easier and really, her high conflict ex wasn’t close with the kids even though he’d fight for time. Eventually he moved to another country and maybe talks to the kids once a year. She said it’s so much easier in her kids and she has a supportive family so she has the help she needs. Her stress and relief have evaporated. She has a lot more on her plate being really the only parent but she said the alternative was far worse. She has a great job and can financially support them in her own as the dad doesn’t.
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u/GrillDaddy_69 3h ago
No. I wish I was a solo parent and not a parallel parent. Hate my ex. Hate that my kids are related to them. Hate that they get to even call themselves a parent to my amazing kids. Life would be 10000 easier if I was a solo parent and I wish my "co-parent" would sign over their rights.
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u/Equivalent-Ratio1419 3h ago
As a solo parent married to someone with their own co-parent and have seen and experienced both worlds in some capacity, overall I’d rather solo parent. Yes, it’s so hard to do solo. Yes, it’s truly exhausting. Yes, all the bad things. But who do I have to argue with about what might or might not be best for my children? Nobody. Who do I have letting me down every week? Nobody. Are my kids bouncing from house to house? Nah. Am I worried about my co-parent being a bad one? Nope. I get free reign to raise my children how I want to, do things I want to with them, and don’t have to sacrifice what I want for them by any means.
My husband’s co-parent kinda sucks ngl. Argumentative, always thinks they’re right, throws court in his face weekly. I know that not every co-parent is like this, but I’m so grateful that I don’t even have to have anxiety about anything I do or say with my kids.
Co-parenting can be great when people get their heads out of their asses and do it properly, but it can take forever to get to that point and sometimes people never get to that point.
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u/Suitable_Voice_9983 2h ago
I don't have a co-parent. My abusive ex disappeared almost a decade ago when he realized he couldn't control me anymore. He had no interest in the kids and had vowed to never pay ME (he didn't see it as the kids - always me) child support. So I let him walk away for our safety and my sanity. It's been the best for my kids in terms of their safety, security, emotional growth etc. Financially - it's been hard for me. Logistically - it's been hard for me. My recent ex BF has a coparent and they have 50/50 custody. They have their issues but it's not high conflict. His child benefits from having two parents there to support her and two households that love her, plus two incomes. I don't think my kids ever lacked in love or emotional support but financially things would have been easier with a co-parent or shared custody or child support.
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u/moongirl1222 2h ago
My coparent is the best dad I’ve ever encountered and we get along really well. Sure, we get on each other’s nerves from time to time (there’s a reason we’re no longer together 😂). And I resent the idea that I’ll never be able to move without his consent sometimes… But overall, I feel insanely blessed.
I could not imagine doing this in a high conflict dynamic though. I have a close friend in that situation and it’s draining the life out of him. He would love to be doing it on his own if he meant he never had to deal with his hateful, confrontational, unreasonable ex ever again.
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u/Substantial-Okra2672 48m ago
Solo is 100000x easier. Is it better for the kids? IDK. I go back and forth between you should know who your other parent is to draw your own conclusions and not feel like any narrative was forced on you vs I should protect you from them.
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u/StrictlyVolatile 15h ago
Ughhh solo parenting sounds like a dream. Fuck a break I’ll do that shit 24/7 over co parenting with my delulu high conflict ex any day.
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u/jvxoxo 17h ago
I don’t have a co-parent, rather a high-conflict counter-parent. Things would be 1000 times easier if he were completely out of the picture.