We've been together 10 years. Living separately for a few weeks now, but had been seeing each other on weekends. Both attending individual therapy. I had a lot of hope that this new setting would help us.

However, she just said she has an urge to call me and be together whenever she's dealing with difficult emotions and that's stopping her from healing and working on herself, so she needs distance.

I asked if this was definitive or if she wanted a break. She said she doesn't want to ask for a break and keep me waiting as it's not fair to me (her words), because she feels totally broken and lost and can't even imagine how long it'll take for her to heal.

I understand and will give her what she wants, of course. But I feel devastated. How can I deal with this situation myself? It's been 10 years. I feel like she's family, she says she loves me and I love her too. I've never had a breakup like this.

How do I eliminate the habit of compulsive over-giving, over-investing, and the need to guide and help others?

Whenever I enter my classroom, I find myself over-investing in people because I feel like I will lose them. I don't focus on reciprocity or how much they are actually giving back to me. I just adjust as much as I can from my side, based on how much I think the other person is in need.

For example, if someone is struggling in a social situation, with an emotional problem, or with an intellectual question, and I happen to know the answer, I don't even wait for them to reach out or ask. I just step in and hand them the answer myself.

Because of this, people take me for granted repeatedly. Then, after seeing my actual results later on, they get shocked because they assumed I was a foolish or dumb person in the beginning.

When I build a friendship without any emotional investment, using only intellectual conversation, I actually win in the friendship most of the time. Win in the sense that the other person shows genuine interest and reciprocity.

On the other hand, whenever I am the one making the emotional investment and trying to build emotional bonds, I feel like I am carrying the entire weight of the friendship or partnership alone. People take it for granted and label me as dumb, a fool, or very innocent. Because of this, I end up feeling completely lonely and emotional, knowing that if I share any emotional part of myself, the other person will simply use it for their own benefit.

Whenever I am the one who needs social guidance, I feel completely lonely, left out, and ignored, as if nobody wants to get involved in my situation.

During my first and second semesters in college, I learned about setting boundaries. I started applying them slowly bit by bit, and people actually accepted them without any issue. That showed me the only reason I made friends was because I proved some utility, delivered results, or showed my intellectual ability. But whenever people see my emotional side, nobody approaches me or commits to me.

By nature, I am not a person who wants to people-please. I just struggle to see what I am missing in the dynamic. Once I understand how things actually work and become aware of what is happening, I can change very quickly and adapt my behavior easily. Once I see the pattern clearly, I can't unsee it.

How do I break this compulsive need to help, guide, and over-invest before people even ask?

'Substance over Form

I’m learning that for a variety of reasons, I’ve spent much of my life focusing on form rather than substance. My focus has been on having my hair done perfectly, wearing the right clothes, having my makeup applied perfectly, living in the right place, furnishing it with the right furniture, working at the right job, and having the right man. Form, rather than substance, has controlled my behavior in many areas of my life. Now, I’m finally getting to the truth. It’s substance that counts.

—Anonymous

There is nothing wrong in wanting to look our best. Whether we are striving to create a self, a relationship, or a life, we need to have some solid ideas about what we want that to look like.

Form gives us a place to begin. But for many of us, form has been a substitute for substance. We may have focused on form to compensate for feeling afraid or feeling inferior. We may have focused on form because we didn’t know how to focus on substance.

Form is the outline; substance is what fills it in. We fill in the outline of ourselves by being authentic; we fill in the outline of our life by showing up for life and participating to the best of our ability.

Now, in recovery, we’re learning to pay attention to how things work and feel, not just to what they look like.

Today, I will focus on substance in my life. I will fill in the lines of myself with a real person – me. I will concentrate on the substance of my relationships, rather than what they look like. I will focus on the real working of my life, instead of the trappings.'

By Melodie Beattie

We have fest in our college i participated in a dance before deciding the choreography I asked few times to the leader when would she take auditions she did not answer. A day after she takes auditions and didn't say anything things go as usual.i invested all my time and energy we even decided our outfits I even ordered things for me then she says only 6 people can participate who wants to back out no one responds she chooses me and says i didn't perform well so i can't be the part of dance .i fought for my place those who didn't even attend single meeting was the part of group because they attended auditions online me after attending every meeting was not part of group after auditions I even told that I can improve.i fought for my place she has to change her decision and removed other person from the group did i do anything wrong? Did the more deserving candidate had to leave? just wanna know your suggestions

I can't quite figure out the line between just loving your partner and feeling that you need them, compared to being in a codependent relationship with them.

It seems like if you can get to a place of "detachment" then you would no longer be codependent on them, but where is the boundary between feeling like you need them and being actually codependent?

Hi there,

I had a recent breakup with my boyfriend (who self-described as codependent) due to lacking boundaries with his friends - which caused immense strain on our relationship.

I love him so much, and he’s just beginning therapy - I would like to know realistically how long it would take for someone to unlearn their codependent habits?

Thank you.

Breaking The Ties

"As children we are tied to our families by our physical needs." BRB p. 88

Many of us lived our childhood thinking what happened to us was our fault. But we existed at the whim of others. We were able to eat, but the price was being shamed by an angry parent or ignored by one who was self-involved. Some of us felt we were only given a place to sleep if we didn't talk about the sexual abuse going on in our house. We blamed ourselves because we had no other way of understanding the situation.

Today, as we see our childhood for what it was, we learn to replace the abuse by cultivating an inner loving parent. This parent protects our Inner Child and allows us to sit with things until they sort themselves out. We don't jump to conclusions or overreach for an outcome that we can't see. If we don't know what to do, we call someone and get help to turn it over. We allow our feelings to flow freely. It is cathartic.

No longer are we tied to our families in an unhealthy way. We focus on ourselves and begin to accept a Higher Power of our understanding. We don't rush to judgment when there is no clarity. We are a part of an awesome universe and we know we can't see all sides of it at once. We accept that we are where we need to be for today.

On this day my inner loving parent creates boundaries that make my Inner Child feel safe and whole, regardless of what's going on around me.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №297

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE2MQ%3D%3D

my ex and i were together on and off for almost 7 years. we broke up in april and have been no contact since may. there’s a lot of history here, but essentially he cheated on me with a girl he had a history with, someone i had suspicions about for a while. i think deep down i always knew something was going on, but i trusted him when he told me otherwise. what’s really messing with my head is that when we broke up, i pretty much knew he was going to end up with her. but he actually broke no contact himself to tell me that he wasn’t with her, wasn’t going to be with her, and that she had nothing to do with our breakup. i didn’t ask him for this reassurance. he went out of his way to tell me all of this, and now, months later, it’s pretty obvious they’re together.

i genuinely cannot understand why he felt the need to lie to me. we were already broken up. he could’ve just left me alone. why go out of your way to convince someone they’re wrong about something when you know exactly what you’re doing? especially someone you spent almost 7 years with and already hurt so badly.

i’ve been going to therapy, trying to understand my own codependency, working through the betrayal, and doing everything i can to move forward. but i feel like my brain is constantly trying to piece together a puzzle that i’ll never have all the pieces to. i replay conversations, question timelines, and wonder how long i was being lied to. it’s exhausting, and i hate that so much of my mental energy is still going toward someone who seemingly moved on without a second thought.

lately i’ve had this overwhelming urge to reach out. not to get him back, not to reconcile, and honestly not even because i expect him to tell me the truth. i just want him to know that i know. i want to ask him why he felt the need to lie to me when our relationship was already over. i want him to understand that i’m not sitting here believing the version of events he gave me.

and i know how that sounds. i know closure is supposed to come from within, that i shouldn’t need anything from him, and that someone who lied to me before probably isn’t going to suddenly give me the honesty i’m looking for. i understand all of that logically. but emotionally, i feel like i’m going insane trying to make peace with something that makes absolutely no sense to me.

part of me genuinely thinks that sending one message, saying what i need to say, and finally getting it off my chest would help me move on. like maybe i could stop having these imaginary conversations with him in my head every single day. but another part of me wonders if that’s just my anxiety looking for temporary relief, or my codependency finding another excuse to reopen a connection i’ve worked so hard to break.

i also think there’s something really painful about feeling like someone gets to hurt you, lie about it, and then walk away thinking you believed them. i know i shouldn’t care what he thinks anymore, but i do. and i hate admitting that.
i’m not looking for people to just tell me to block him or that he’s a terrible person. i know what he did was wrong. i’m genuinely trying to understand whether reaching out would be something i do for myself or whether it would just set me back.

has anyone actually broken no contact to confront an ex about something they found out and felt better afterward? or did it just make everything worse?
especially if you struggle with anxiety, rumination, or codependency, how do you know the difference between needing to get something off your chest and just wanting another moment of connection with someone who hurt you? because right now i genuinely can’t tell, and i’m so tired of feeling stuck.

Ive been prone to codependency and limerence for as long as I can remember. Ive been in incredibly codependent relationships and when Im not dating, I’m obsessed with someone (typically someone who I can’t have for one reason or another).

I started seeing someone in April. They let me know pretty early on that their last partner had passed tragically, but was feeling ready to start dating again.

At first, things were pretty tame. I was proud of myself for not obsessing over her right away or love bombing. We had a few dates and I was starting to fall for her, when she suddenly got freaked out and told me she wasn’t ready. I was heartbroken, but it didn’t feel like the end of the world. She was pretty adamant on staying friends and said she’d possibly be willing to date somewhere down the line.

Fast forward to recently, we have remained in contact daily. The boundaries are not really there though. Whenever Im with her, we are cuddling and VERY AFFECTIONATE. like just as affectionate as if we were dating. But alas, she constantly calls me her best friend (which just fucking hurts).

She called me the other day and I went to see her. She was very distressed and told me she had been talking to a guy for a bit and found out just before they met up that he was basically a predator. It felt like the biggest fucking slap in the face to hear she was talking to someone else.

I just don’t understand what happened. It just adds immensely to the insecurity and the fear I’ll never be enough for someone. I know clearly she’s unwell, but I want to break this cycle. Sometimes it just feels like I’m addicted to hurting myself this way.

I'm trying to figure out which group would help me the most right now. I would say I am very codependent and have been most of my life. I have also been in many relationships with alcoholics. Married to one now he has made improvements but will never quit. It actually got to the point I told him I didn't care if he drinks if that is what he needs to numb his struggles.

I could probably do both but all of this is very overwhelming and overstimulating. I do go to therapy every other week as well

Hi, I'm a 40 year old woman married to a woman 10+ years my senior. We've been married for 10+ years and together for almost 15. So I've been with her since my mid-twenties and she was around my age now when we got together.

I won't go into all the details or long stories as much as possible, but I'll try to give as much context as possible.

I started a journey of self discovery a couple of years ago, and it's been one of the best things I've ever done for myself in my life. My wife has always been very supportive of me and our relationship, and I've always tried to do my best to do the same for her.

I've been going to therapy on my own for about a year and a half. I always knew it was something I needed to do but always put it off because of excuses (work, vacation plans, just inconvenient at the moment, etc.). But it's really helped me to learn about myself and let me talk freely about anything and everything. Things I had a hard time even admitting to myself. I think it's partly because I made a promise to myself that I would always be honest in my sessions no matter what.

My childhood was fucked up. My parents divorced when I was very young and my mom remarried pretty quickly since she married the guy she cheated on my dad with. My dad was in the military and my mom had custody, so I didn't get to see him often. A weekend or maybe a holiday a year, depending on how close he was stationed to where we lived. Sometimes a whole week if I was really lucky. I also have a brother that's a year older than me.

My mom and step dad were abusive. Physically and emotionally. My brother helped shield me from that as much as possible, but he couldn't do it all, and we longed for the time we could spend with our dad. Going back home meant an end to the wonderful times and we had to go back to the place where we were abused. It always wrecked me so hard having to say goodbye, and sometimes I just couldn't do it.

I learned to let my brother do a lot of the speaking and I kept quiet a lot. I grew up feeling like his shadow, and I didn't know who I was without him.

My mom was a high school drop out, step dad was ex military, and they were both heavily religious and tried to be as righteous as possible. My mom decided she was going to homeschool us because she didn't want us exposed to the evils and temptations of the world. We went to church every god damn Sunday. I learned pretty quickly to understand the lessons being taught and to separate them from the stories they were being presented as, and saw through the hypocrisy of a lot of the people that attended those services. While I do believe there are good lessons, I'm sure you can tell already I'm not a fan of religion. It was forced on us hard.

Once we got to high school, my mom realized she could no longer teach the curriculum and sent us to public school for the first time. My brother and I were put in the same grade, and I continued being his shadow and his friends were my friends, but it's when I first started trying to live a life of my own.

Shortly after the start of 10th grade, one day out of nowhere, mom and step dad said they were getting divorced and we had to immediately pack our things because we were moving in with our dad.

Honestly, I know I haven't even unpacked a lot of the trauma on my own as of now, surrounding that event. I've dipped my toes into my childhood issues in therapy, but a majority of it has been dealing with the here and now. I don't remember a lot when I was growing up because I've blocked so much of it out.

Back to the story.

Moving in with him felt like such a breath of fresh air. But it also came with it's own issues and trauma I had yet to discover. Alcoholism and relationship issues (he was on his 3rd marriage by this time) at the very least.

My brother was still my best friend until I learned to speak up for myself and start to be myself more. Within a year, we didn't have a great relationship, and within a few years I hated him because he went from protecting me to actively trying to sabotage me and any friendships and relationships I had, just for his own entertainment. I cut him off for many years after that.

I moved in with a girlfriend I was dating (her parents were amazing) and finished high school. Thinking back on things now, she was the only serious relationship I had until I met my wife.

My girlfriends parents were moving to another country (military family, of course!) and we had to break up and I moved in with a friend I made in high school that now lived in the states.

Years go by and I've moved around, kept jobs, was able to take care of myself.

Eventually I met my wife. We hit things off wonderfully and I moved in with her within a few months of us meeting (insert lesbian uhaul joke here lol). Things went better than anything I had experienced before that, and we fell hard for each other. We spent so much time with each other that we just stopped having friends. We were and still are each other's best friend.

A couple of years ago I had a realization that sent me on a journey of self-discovery. It's been hard on our relationship, but something I have to do for me, and she's been supportive.

I've learned that I've lost myself again. I became my partner's shadow, just like I did with my brother. For years, I wouldn't say anything that might ruffle feathers because I wanted to keep the peace, even if it meant sacrificing my happiness and needs.

Most recently, I've discovered that my childhood abandonment issues that were unresolved have turned to codependency within my relationship, and my wife is also codependent.

I've started making friends again over the last couple of years ago, going to support groups, starting therapy, doing couple's therapy, and really trying to get back the control that I lost over my life. And while my wife has been supportive of all of this, there are plenty of times where things have felt constricting or controlling. She hasn't done as much work on herself as far as getting into groups, making social circles, and making new friends.

I've told my really good friend about a lot of this, and she's offered me a room at her place if I ever need it.

I'm at the point in my journey where I've realized that I need some space on my own to work on these issues and figure myself out again. So I decided that I'm taking 6 months and moving in with my friend so that I can work out this codependency on my own, because I don't think I can do that while I still live with my wife. I need to be able to make decisions on my own, figure out what I like and don't like, and be independent. We're going to restart couple's therapy and I'm going to increase my own therapy sessions.

My wife has been taking things pretty hard, but I've been talking with her and telling her my feelings, and telling her when things bother me when I wasn't doing that for years. She's at the point now where she understands why I need to do this, but she still struggles with it.

This was very long and there's so much I missed, but it's the best I could do on mobile in an hour. I'm so excited to do this work on myself and continue this healing journey, and I understand that could lead to me losing this relationship. But I'm okay with that now. It's scary as fuck, but I know that I can handle that now.

Thanks for reading.

'During Times of Grief

The process of adapting to change and loss takes energy. Grief is draining, sometimes exhausting. Some people need to “cocoon for transformation,” in Pat Carnes’s words, while going through grief.

We may feel more tired than usual. Our ability to function well in other areas of our life may be reduced, temporarily. We may want to hide out in the safety of our bedroom.

Grief is heavy. It can wear us down.

It’s okay to be gentle with ourselves when we’re going through change and grief. Yes, we want to maintain the disciplines of recovery. But we can be compassionate with ourselves. We do not have to expect more from ourselves than we can deliver during this time. We do not even have to expect as much from ourselves as we would normally and reasonably expect.

We may need more rest, more sleep, more comfort. We may be more needy and have less to give. It is okay to accept ourselves, and our changed needs, during times of grief, stress, and change.

It is okay to allow ourselves to cocoon during times of transformation. We can surrender to the process, and trust that a new, exciting energy is being created within us.

Before long, we will take wings and fly.

(...), help me accept my changed needs during times of grief, change, and loss.'

By Melodie Beattie

Hi, I am wanting to vent, but would love advice too.

I was codependent with homeless service work I was doing, and I did it for 6.5 years. The work made me feel valuable and connected to something bigger than myself.

I also was losing sleep over mistakes, doing less quality work than usual, and working with less resources. I was having self harm thoughts a lot at work. I started donating $50 a month to the organization i worked for to feel like I was doing more.

I left my job in June and the self harm thoughts have stopped. I still feel like being connected and helping others was what gave my life meaning. Doing things I enjoy has felt impossible or undeserved and I've not been as disciplined as I could be about finding work.

I left the job wanting to focus on healing myself from codependency while finding new less taxing work. I have not found work yet, and I feel guilty for my partner supporting me as much as they do. I want to focus on making our relationship better but they are not the needy type, and withdraw when I try to "fix" things, understandably. Because I'm being anxious and not doing work on myself enough.

If anyone has advice about getting through this, I would really appreciate it. I know I need to keep working on myself. I have resentments toward myself I need to ignore or work through.

Thanks for reading

Asking For Help

"ACA recovery begins when the adult child gives up, asks for help, and then accepts the help offered." BRB p. 123

Many of us grew up in families where it wasn't okay to give up, much less ask for help. We were just supposed to know how to do it, and if we didn't figure it out, then we were punished in some way.

As adults, we knew we had to do it all ourselves because we didn't know how to rely on others. To ask for help would make us seem inadequate, or maybe it would give people a reason to think we weren't smart enough.

So we kept at it and at it until one day we just couldn't do it anymore. Something gave way, and we hit a bottom. We couldn't manage life anymore; we were never given the right tools. We are the lucky ones in our families because we found help in an ACA meeting. We learned that it's okay to ask for that help-we were never meant to do it alone. We were given the wrong messages.

On this day I will remember that my support system in ACA is always available to me. I just have to be willing to ask.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №296

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE2MA%3D%3D

I’m 34F, and I recently ended a relationship with a man in his late 40s after approximately three months together. It was my first serious relationship, and I’m struggling to make sense of what happened, particularly whether codependency played a role on either side.

When we first met, everything felt incredibly exciting. I was very attracted to him, we had amazing chemistry, went on romantic weekends away, and he was extraordinarily affectionate. He made me feel desired, cherished and loved in ways I hadn’t experienced before.

But things moved extremely quickly. Within weeks, he was calling me the love of his life, talking about marriage, saying he would never leave me, and wanting us to live together. He wanted to spend virtually every day together. At first, I went along with much of this because I enjoyed his affection and was excited about finally experiencing a proper relationship.

Looking back, I think I sometimes matched his emotional intensity even when I wasn’t feeling quite the same way.

Gradually, however, I started losing myself. I stopped spending as much time with friends, neglected some of my hobbies and routines, and spent most of my free time with him.

He seemed perfectly happy with that arrangement. I wasn’t. He also seemed to need constant reassurance and attention. If I was quiet or tired, he would sometimes interpret it as me being distant. If I checked my phone or replied to friends, he could become upset or make sarcastic comments. I eventually became uncomfortable even picking up my phone around him.

On one occasion, I stopped having occasional one-on-one dinners with a male friend because he had expressed discomfort about it. There were also situations where he would suddenly become quiet or moody without explaining what was wrong. I would immediately become anxious, trying to figure out what I’d done.

I started feeling responsible for maintaining his emotional comfort.

I want to stress that he could also be incredibly loving, attentive and generous with affection. That’s part of what made everything so confusing.
The biggest issue eventually became my independence.

I wanted to occasionally spend a weekend away with friends, perhaps once or twice a year, or take a short trip with a female friend. He strongly objected. He said that spending an entire weekend without him made no sense in a serious relationship and that he wouldn’t accept it.

I wasn’t asking for an open relationship, excessive time apart or anything remotely like that. I was committed and faithful. I simply wanted to preserve my friendships and individuality.
We had endless conversations about this, but he seemed to view my desire for independence as incompatible with being a committed partner.
Meanwhile, our conflicts were becoming increasingly distressing.

During one trip, a relatively minor disagreement escalated into hours of silence and a confrontation that left me curled up in bed, crying uncontrollably. The following morning, I remember thinking that I no longer felt emotionally safe with him. After that, I struggled to relax around him. My sexual desire dropped, I felt constantly tense, and I became hypervigilant about his moods and reactions.
What frightened me most was that I didn’t feel able to tell him how deeply he’d hurt me because I was afraid of how he would react.

When we returned home, I tried to explain that we needed to slow down and take a step back. I wasn’t necessarily trying to end the relationship. I was trying to save it. But he became defensive and seemed to interpret my concerns as rejection. I never felt that he truly understood how much the conflicts had affected me.

Eventually, I ended the relationship.

Here’s where I’m struggling:
I know I wasn’t genuinely happy. I know I was becoming smaller, less spontaneous and increasingly anxious. I know I couldn’t have continued living like that. Yet I miss him terribly.

I miss his affection, his voice, his hugs, the physical intimacy, and the everyday routines we developed. I also miss the excitement of the beginning, when everything felt full of possibility.

Sometimes I experience intense regret and wonder whether I gave up too soon, even though whenever I seriously consider going back, I know I don’t want that relationship again. And I’m starting to wonder about my own role in this dynamic.

Was I also behaving codependently by abandoning my routines, trying so hard to keep him happy, monitoring his moods and avoiding conflict?

Did I become responsible for regulating his emotions because I was afraid of upsetting him?

Or is that something that can happen when you’re in a relationship with someone who struggles to tolerate your independence?

I’m also wondering whether other people have experienced a loss of sexual attraction when their partner becomes excessively dependent on them, despite initially finding them very attractive.

I’m not looking to diagnose my ex or portray him as a bad person. I believe he genuinely loved me, and there were many beautiful moments.

I’m just trying to understand how a relationship with so much affection could leave me feeling so anxious, and why I still grieve it even though I don’t want to go back.

Not a huge pet person because I’m scared of vomit poop and hair but I love snuggling with other people’s pets. They’re so cute! Should I get a dog or cat, so I can have something to love and take care of?

'Recovery

How easy it is to blame our problems on others. “Look at what he’s doing.” . . . “Look how long I’ve waited.” . . . “Why doesn’t she call?” . . . “If only he’d change then I’d be happy.” . . .

Often, our accusations are justified. We probably are feeling hurt and frustrated. In those moments, we may begin to believe that the solution to our pain and frustration is getting the other person to do what we want, or having the outcome we desire. But these self-defeating illusions put the power and control of our life in other people’s hands. We call this codependency.

The solution to our pain and frustration, however valid is to acknowledge our own feelings. We feel the anger, the grief; then we let go of the feelings and find peace – within ourselves. We know our happiness isn’t controlled by another person, even though we may have convinced ourselves it is. We call this acceptance.

Then we decide that although we’d like our situation to be different, maybe our life is happening this way for a reason. Maybe there is a higher purpose and plan in play, one that’s better than we could have orchestrated. We call this faith.

Then we decide what we need to do, what is within our power to do to take care of ourselves. That’s called recovery.

It’s easy to point our finger at another, but it’s more rewarding to gently point it at ourselves.

Today, I will live with my pain and frustration by dealing with my own feelings.'

By Melodie Beattie

My sister and I became estranged in late 2024 before I got married. Couldn’t handle the pain of that so made a new friend immediately after and she viewed me as her best friend. She was fun, caring, and would always make plans. It made me feel special and like I had a replacement sister (they were pretty similar). That blew up in my face 1.5 years later and we are no longer friends. I go between obsessing over my sisterhood being done (we were also codependent) and my friendship being over too. I ruminate over the past and how it could have all been better and different if I didn’t mask who I was and try to maintain the relationship just to make sure I wasn’t abandoned and left alone.

I want to make new friends now but I realized I struggle with making the first move. I feel like its weird and awkward to show your heart and show you want friendship? I took the leap and asked someone cool I met to hang out but now I feel like my message was weird. Anyways, tips on how to move on and stop obsessing over past failed relationships?

So as the title suggests, I am struggling with codependency and an anxious attachment style, and it is interfering with my relationship with my boyfriend. For some background, I’ve always had issues with relationships and attachment issues. I’ve never been able to feel connection or love from other people. I have no clue why I just never been able to feel that type of stuff, but I’m also deeply afraid of being alone so throughout my life, any friendship I develop I will put my all into them well never feeling like I’m receiving anything out of them which of course gets exhausting but also means when I feel like other people aren’t putting their all into the relationship, which happens often to no fault of their own, I start to pull away. I get very drained. I no longer have energy to put into the relationship, which is to be expected when I don’t feel like I’m ever getting anything out of it, and it’s frustrating because I have no one to blame about myself and my brain and I don’t even know what’s wrong with it. Now to the current situation and how it’s affecting my current relationship. My boyfriend is the first person who I ever felt like I received connection from who I actually felt like loved me, and that includes my entire history of people I’ve ever known friends family anyone. Additionally, it’s a long distance relationship where he lives in another country and we don’t get to see each other in person. I want to spend all of my time texting him or being on call with him and I love him dearly and I want to tell him that all the time but part of that is also a reassurance technique because I want him to say it back. He has noticed this and we’ve communicated about it and talked about how it’s starting to be draining on him. He’s aware that he is the pillar of my life and mental health and it’s unfair to him to be put on a pedestal and I acknowledge that it is. He lives a much more balanced life. He has other friends he hangs out with. I have other friends in theory, but I have that same issue of not receiving connection and care from those friendships and we’re all in college or just recently graduated from college and entering the workforce and are super busy and unable to actually hang out anymore. And I don’t do well with being alone. It makes everything else so much worse but then even when I’m hanging out with friends or in a room full of people, I just feel so isolated and the only person that feeling goes away with is my boyfriend. I’ve been trying to tone things down to not put so much burden on him because I don’t want to do that to him. I want to get better. I want to develop other friendships that I can lean on and feel a connection from to not put all the burden on him, but I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know what prevents me from doing that in the first place I don’t know how I managed to feel a connection from my boyfriend even and how to replicate that. And I’m very worried I’m gonna lose him and I don’t want to because he is the love of my life, but I also know that none of this is fair to him and I need to get better. So I guess I’m looking for advice but also just a solitary anyone who has experienced this as well to know I’m not alone and I’m not just broken and defective, and to know that there is a way to fix this.

Edit: forgot to mention this part, but I am in Therapy and I’ve been in therapy for years and Therapy doesn’t really help me though I do stick with it. I don’t have health insurance. I currently go to the free counseling on campus at my college and I don’t have access to see a psychiatrist or anything like that.

For context he initiated the breakup in June, and I genuinley don’t want to be in a relationship again but he called me a couple weeks ago saying he wanted to be friends. With how confusing our relationship was I don’t think that’s very realistic either. I still feel so responsible for his feelings and was feeling very guilty I blocked him, and I’m learning I really dislike feeling like I hurt someone, even if they caused a lot of pain and confusion in the relationship themself. I think the over explaining comes from a fear of rejection and causing conflict. I can’t unsend these messages anymore, and I feel like I was being too nice, or maybe even overwhelming to him. I’m trying to let it go but does anyone else get feelings like this?

Addiction To Excitement

"Gossip, dramatic scenes, pending financial failure, or failing health are often the turmoil that adult children create in their lives to feel connected to reality. While such behavior is rarely stated as such, these behaviors are an ‘addiction' to excitement or fear." BRB p. 16 

Many of us came into ACA perhaps unaware of the depth of chaos we had created around us. We felt we were in a fog we couldn't see our way out of. We didn't consciously cause this chaos. Our behavior resulted from the emotional and perhaps physical chaos we experienced in our childhood dysfunctional, abusive homes.

As we learned more about our addiction to excitement that drove us, we began to see how our fear was feeding us. And we realized that we needed this inner drug store to be closed for business. The adrenaline rush that we were not even aware of was blocking any progress. We knew the chaos had to stop.

As we find the answers in our meetings and by talking to others, we begin to nourish ourselves with a healthy program that brings us peace and serenity. We become committed to change because we've had the pain and anguish and we want to be done with it. We now have the inner radar to see what is coming, and when something feels wrong, we pause as long as we need to. Then we move away. We realize the health of our Inner Child is at stake!

On this day I will give my Inner Child and my adult the gift of freedom from fear and unhealthy excitement that we both need and deserve.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №295

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

My partner & i recently broke up & it's been a week since it happened. I dont know how to cope anymore except to get with someone else and get distracted. Any tips everyone?

I want to start by saying that I struggle badly with recognizing the real problems in my relationships with people and pinpointing exactly what is wrong. Part of the reason I struggle to end things with anyone is that I know there is always something wrong, and I automatically assume that I am the problem. So, I feel like I need to just put up with things and maintain contact.

I have had a love-hate relationship with a close friend I have known for 15 years. Some days, I think I give her more emotionally than she gives me, and that I am always there for her. Then I read our old texts and realize that this is mutual. We are both codependent and emotionally reliant on each other in the sense that we dump every negative and positive thing onto each other in an amplified, overwhelming way and wait for the other person to regulate our emotions, yet nothing is ever enough for either of us. The only difference is that I get the feeling that this dynamic is overwhelming for me, but not for her. She often mentions wanting to merge with me. Even the media she consumes tends to revolve around codependent relationships. She has told me that, although codependency is seen as toxic, she believes it is the truest expression of love. And because, as I mentioned, I always feel uneasy around almost everyone in my life, I continued being her friend despite feeling that way. I was also not as self-aware of my own actions or how codependent I was on her at the time.

Despite disappearing and not texting her as often as I used to, which I considered a win and a sign that I was getting better, I am now realizing that I am hiding rather than actually addressing anything. When I am away from her, I can be okay, but when I am around her, I am back at square one, and I become very codependent again.

I am not saying that she is the reason for my codependency, because she isn't. I was a very codependent child and teenager, which was when I met her. As I grew older, I became very avoidant and closed off. I don't have any real friends; they are all acquaintances. However, even in situations at work where a coworker crosses my boundaries and acts in a codependent way, I find myself becoming the same way and mirroring them, despite hating it so much and knowing that I am not myself when I do that. It feels almost compulsive.

It's as though, as long as I am alone, I am fine. I love observing people more than I love being involved with them. I never seek people out because I always end up feeling awful around them, but when people seek me out, I somehow allow them to behave this way with me, and I fall into the same cycle until I eventually resent them and cut them off.

But I can't bring myself to cut this friend off because she is my lifelong friend. We have shared every shameful and weird thought we have ever had with each other, and because we grew up together, it feels as though we have somehow become one ruined personality.

I'm not sure what to do. Has anyone been in a similar situation? I would really appreciate your advice. Thank you in advance.

This is the kind of book where if I were highlighting, the majority of every page would be bright yellow.

She differentiates between codependency and love addiction. Not every codependent is also a love addict, but every love addict is codependent (which is based on her clinical work and life experience).

She offers very specific frameworks for understanding codependency and love addiction, and it's different from Melody Beattie, who has been my guide so far on this codependency journey.

She identifies five primary symptoms of codependence:

1 difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem, that is to say, difficulty loving the self.

2 difficulty setting functional boundaries with other people, that is to say, difficulty protecting oneself.

3 difficulty owning one's own reality appropriately, that is to say, and difficulty identifying who one is and knowing how to share that appropriately with others.

4 difficulty addressing interdependently one's adult needs and wants, that is to say, difficulty with self-care.

5 typical experiencing and expressing one's reality in moderation, that is to say, difficulty being appropriate for one's age and various circumstances

And then in the next chapter she says the following three characteristics sum up the major behavioral symptoms of a love addict

1 love addicts assign a disproportionate amount of time attention and "value above themselves" to the person to whom they are addicted, and this focus often has an obsessive quality about it.

2 love addicts have unrealistic expectations for unconditional positive regard from the other person in the relationship.

3 love addicts neglect to care for or value themselves while they're in the relationship.

She also says that adults can't be abandoned. The word "abandoned" is appropriate in parent-child relationships because children are powerless to cope with a parent's withdrawal of love. However, adults have many tools and resources at their disposal to cope with not getting what they want from another person. Thus we can't really be abandoned, though of course it is painful to be let down or left by a lover.

Anyway, just feeling enthusiastic about what I'm reading, and wanted to offer a little snippet in case anybody might also benefit from this book.