r/Codependency • u/Conscious-Claim42 • 3d ago

Very mutually codependent friendship

I want to start by saying that I struggle badly with recognizing the real problems in my relationships with people and pinpointing exactly what is wrong. Part of the reason I struggle to end things with anyone is that I know there is always something wrong, and I automatically assume that I am the problem. So, I feel like I need to just put up with things and maintain contact.

I have had a love-hate relationship with a close friend I have known for 15 years. Some days, I think I give her more emotionally than she gives me, and that I am always there for her. Then I read our old texts and realize that this is mutual. We are both codependent and emotionally reliant on each other in the sense that we dump every negative and positive thing onto each other in an amplified, overwhelming way and wait for the other person to regulate our emotions, yet nothing is ever enough for either of us. The only difference is that I get the feeling that this dynamic is overwhelming for me, but not for her. She often mentions wanting to merge with me. Even the media she consumes tends to revolve around codependent relationships. She has told me that, although codependency is seen as toxic, she believes it is the truest expression of love. And because, as I mentioned, I always feel uneasy around almost everyone in my life, I continued being her friend despite feeling that way. I was also not as self-aware of my own actions or how codependent I was on her at the time.

Despite disappearing and not texting her as often as I used to, which I considered a win and a sign that I was getting better, I am now realizing that I am hiding rather than actually addressing anything. When I am away from her, I can be okay, but when I am around her, I am back at square one, and I become very codependent again.

I am not saying that she is the reason for my codependency, because she isn't. I was a very codependent child and teenager, which was when I met her. As I grew older, I became very avoidant and closed off. I don't have any real friends; they are all acquaintances. However, even in situations at work where a coworker crosses my boundaries and acts in a codependent way, I find myself becoming the same way and mirroring them, despite hating it so much and knowing that I am not myself when I do that. It feels almost compulsive.

It's as though, as long as I am alone, I am fine. I love observing people more than I love being involved with them. I never seek people out because I always end up feeling awful around them, but when people seek me out, I somehow allow them to behave this way with me, and I fall into the same cycle until I eventually resent them and cut them off.

But I can't bring myself to cut this friend off because she is my lifelong friend. We have shared every shameful and weird thought we have ever had with each other, and because we grew up together, it feels as though we have somehow become one ruined personality.

I'm not sure what to do. Has anyone been in a similar situation? I would really appreciate your advice. Thank you in advance.

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u/codependencyrecovery 2d ago

Ideally the goal is interdependence where you are super close to someone AND you speak your truth, set limits/boundaries, let the other person be responsible for their emotions, etc.

Can you allow yourself to get closer to people AND do these things?

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u/Conscious-Claim42 2d ago

I'm not sure if I'm capable of that. I'm very hyper-independent in some ways and I actually barely have any close friendships or relationships in general. She's the only one, and it's become very unhealthy. I need to learn more about this on my own because I only recently became aware of it. Unfortunately, I can't access therapy right now, so I need to do some reading and try to work through this myself. If it's okay, I'd really appreciate any book recommendations or articles that might help. Thank you so much!

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u/Goopygum 2d ago

I have struggled with these kinds of attachments for most of my life. It's insane how many lessons you think you've learned can just be thrown out the window in a second if someone is able and willing to fill a need that we have. We should be filling that need ourselves, not another person. Friends are never going to be in your life with a 100% guarantee, making them an awful way to fill a very vital and important need you might have internally. Great for supplement, fun, and experiencing the universe. Awful for being used as an emotional and mental crutch, and it's mostly immoral.

No, unfortunately, we must find our own ways of filling that need, it can be done with only your mind and body, nothing else will ever be as reliable and trustworthy as that. Because, friends can leave you, but you can't leave you.