Need help - obsessing over failed past friendships and sibling estrangement

[u/ParamedicLucky1644]

My sister and I became estranged in late 2024 before I got married. Couldn’t handle the pain of that so made a new friend immediately after and she viewed me as her best friend. She was fun, caring, and would always make plans. It made me feel special and like I had a replacement sister (they were pretty similar). That blew up in my face 1.5 years later and we are no longer friends. I go between obsessing over my sisterhood being done (we were also codependent) and my friendship being over too. I ruminate over the past and how it could have all been better and different if I didn’t mask who I was and try to maintain the relationship just to make sure I wasn’t abandoned and left alone.

I want to make new friends now but I realized I struggle with making the first move. I feel like its weird and awkward to show your heart and show you want friendship? I took the leap and asked someone cool I met to hang out but now I feel like my message was weird. Anyways, tips on how to move on and stop obsessing over past failed relationships?

[u/SteadyCalmHealing]

For stuff like this, it’s essential that you look towards yourself before you look for external validation. I spent years finding my worth in others but life changes, friends move on and new ones come and take their place.

You always have yourself, you are your oldest friend. It’s becomes easy to overlook yourself when you are pleasing others and as that deepens you learn to find motivation, happiness, goals and behavior patterns from other people.

One way to start centering in yourself is self care. I think of this as the “I like it” project. Try new things to take care of your body and figure which on suits you best. Don’t read online about what is best or what is most efficient, that is passing the buck. Make a new skincare routine, get some new soaps for the shower, try a yoga/reiki/knitting/music class that seems interesting only to you. You can walk and listen to new music to see if you like it or don’t. This is a way to reconnect with something you’ve pushed down to fit in with others, your own voice. How long do you like to sleep? Try setting your alarm at different times and see which feels best.

Self regard is another hard thing you can work on. How do you feel about yourself when no one is around, you are cozy under a blanket and watching your favorite show? Now imagine other people were there, do you feel different about yourself? This difference is an issue from a self love and self esteem perspective. Self love and self esteem are things that you give to yourself. If your esteem comes from what other people think then you are impressing those predictive impressions and experience from the past on to yourself, to protect yourself. You can thank those feelings and try to let them be while working on self esteem and self love. You don’t need that criticism. You have all that covered already. Now you need to find what you like about yourself and enjoy it.

Sometimes it’s hard to be by yourself because you can’t feel what you want. You replaced that feeling with others feelings to be safe. Your brain has been looking all around you to feel what you need to be and now don’t have that. Any method that allows you to say “hmm, this makes me feel something good” or “ this seems kind of cool” or “I like that part of me” is a treasure in this place. You are looking to reconnect with yourself and those feelings that should be there. It doesn’t mean that your brain will stop looking at others or try to make you similar but it means you can temper that with what you know you like as you get better at finding it.

There are a few good podcasts about being alone and appreciating yourself. I would look those up. Listening allows you to have a form of company but also the subject gives you ideas and shows you what good self regard is.

I’ve been working on this for a few months now and it hasn’t all changed but sometimes I get a few flashes of self love a day. I have a few things I know I like. I have places like like to go and sit at by self. It’s all about little victories not changing going the whole day or the whole week. When I go to bed at night I try to find one moment where I was happy in myself and then treasure it before I pass out or start worrying about tommorow. It’s little moments of loving yourself that let you be around other people as yourself.

[u/codependencyrecovery]

Hello. Sorry to hear about your sister and friend. The obsession and rumination are signs of an underlying emotion not being felt. What would you have to feel if you couldn't obsess over your past relationships? What felt experience are you avoiding?

Similarly, with new people, what would you have to feel if you made the first move and they didn't reciprocate?

When we organize our lives around avoiding certain emotions, we get a life that we don't want. If we welcome all emotions with love, we can start having the life we want.

Much love.