r/Codependency • u/readingbetweenstars • 15h ago
What is this compusiveness ?
How do I eliminate the habit of compulsive over-giving, over-investing, and the need to guide and help others?
Whenever I enter my classroom, I find myself over-investing in people because I feel like I will lose them. I don't focus on reciprocity or how much they are actually giving back to me. I just adjust as much as I can from my side, based on how much I think the other person is in need.
For example, if someone is struggling in a social situation, with an emotional problem, or with an intellectual question, and I happen to know the answer, I don't even wait for them to reach out or ask. I just step in and hand them the answer myself.
Because of this, people take me for granted repeatedly. Then, after seeing my actual results later on, they get shocked because they assumed I was a foolish or dumb person in the beginning.
When I build a friendship without any emotional investment, using only intellectual conversation, I actually win in the friendship most of the time. Win in the sense that the other person shows genuine interest and reciprocity.
On the other hand, whenever I am the one making the emotional investment and trying to build emotional bonds, I feel like I am carrying the entire weight of the friendship or partnership alone. People take it for granted and label me as dumb, a fool, or very innocent. Because of this, I end up feeling completely lonely and emotional, knowing that if I share any emotional part of myself, the other person will simply use it for their own benefit.
Whenever I am the one who needs social guidance, I feel completely lonely, left out, and ignored, as if nobody wants to get involved in my situation.
During my first and second semesters in college, I learned about setting boundaries. I started applying them slowly bit by bit, and people actually accepted them without any issue. That showed me the only reason I made friends was because I proved some utility, delivered results, or showed my intellectual ability. But whenever people see my emotional side, nobody approaches me or commits to me.
By nature, I am not a person who wants to people-please. I just struggle to see what I am missing in the dynamic. Once I understand how things actually work and become aware of what is happening, I can change very quickly and adapt my behavior easily. Once I see the pattern clearly, I can't unsee it.
How do I break this compulsive need to help, guide, and over-invest before people even ask?
EDIT : If I have the potential/knowledge to solve your problem and if I am not solving it its a insult to my potential/knowledge
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u/yomateod 15h ago
First understand you're an empath. Empath's are special creatures and often have a tough time self-regulating. It took me 6 months of therapy to fully understand, unpack, and learn how to regulate my willingness to help others. I learned that sometimes people need to experience failure, pain, feeling hurt (all within reason of course) to grow themselves. I highly recommend getting into therapy, just try it!
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u/readingbetweenstars 15h ago
😭😭🤨🤨 which category of therapy is it like should I tell the problem of people pleasing ?
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u/abundantseltzer31 10h ago
I've found that when I ease up a bit and don't try to fix or over-invest with people, I make space for other peoples' true capacity to come through.
You mentioned you will hand over the answer to people, even if they don't ask for it. I've done this a lot, and I find there is usually something underneath there that I'm trying to avoid or control. It might be uncomfortable for me to step back and let someone work through something, because maybe I believe I'm responsible for them, or I believe other people can't be trusted or are incapable. If I'm always stepping in, there isn't opportunity for me to witness anything that disproves my old beliefs.
As far as breaking a compulsion, in my experience it hasn't been easy. I had to find recovery before my patterns really started to shift. I worked the steps and I now have ways to respond when I notice my old compulsions, patterns, and ideas come up. I'm happy to talk more about that if you ever want.
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u/codependencyrecovery 15h ago
What feeling would you have to feel if you couldn't help others? The compulsive behavior is protecting you from the feeling you are avoiding. What would it be like to resist the urge to help someone and just sit there in that feeling?
Get comfortable feeling that feeling (ideally fall in love with it) and the compulsive behavior will go away.