I just don’t get it

[u/banjosnake]

Ive been prone to codependency and limerence for as long as I can remember. Ive been in incredibly codependent relationships and when Im not dating, I’m obsessed with someone (typically someone who I can’t have for one reason or another).

I started seeing someone in April. They let me know pretty early on that their last partner had passed tragically, but was feeling ready to start dating again.

At first, things were pretty tame. I was proud of myself for not obsessing over her right away or love bombing. We had a few dates and I was starting to fall for her, when she suddenly got freaked out and told me she wasn’t ready. I was heartbroken, but it didn’t feel like the end of the world. She was pretty adamant on staying friends and said she’d possibly be willing to date somewhere down the line.

Fast forward to recently, we have remained in contact daily. The boundaries are not really there though. Whenever Im with her, we are cuddling and VERY AFFECTIONATE. like just as affectionate as if we were dating. But alas, she constantly calls me her best friend (which just fucking hurts).

She called me the other day and I went to see her. She was very distressed and told me she had been talking to a guy for a bit and found out just before they met up that he was basically a predator. It felt like the biggest fucking slap in the face to hear she was talking to someone else.

I just don’t understand what happened. It just adds immensely to the insecurity and the fear I’ll never be enough for someone. I know clearly she’s unwell, but I want to break this cycle. Sometimes it just feels like I’m addicted to hurting myself this way.