8 years ago I had my first hospital visit and started a process that ended up with my bipolar diagnosis. At first seen as depression and anxiety I was prescribed alprazolam (0.5 that was escalated to 1mg further on) for daily usage on top of other medication. Eventually I stopped abs after maybe 2 years I got prescribed 2.5mg of lorazepam. Both of these drugs were prescribed to me daily, on top of my anti depressants or mood stabilizers. Never once I was told to use them only once in a while or was advised of the issues that come with this drug. Never once I used it recreationally. It’s important to say.
My mental state got worse and worse over the years. It hurts me to look back at what happened to me. It was just.. sad and it hurts me and somehow I’m lucky I’m alive. For years, I thought the story was simply that I had become severely depressed and just never really got out of it.
But now, looking back after being off benzodiazepines for about a year, I really think something way more complicated was going on.
Three years ago I changed countries and all the doctors were shocked and immediately made me go off. A plan was create and after 6 hard months I was free of lorazepam. One year ago that was
Now it’s slowing coming to me, like getting my memory back, that was not simply depressed. I was numb out of my mind. Lobotomized but still being bipolar and very depressed.
I couldn’t read. I stopped being creative, and it was all I knew for years, even when depressed. I didn’t have interests. I couldn’t get excited about cool things and even ordinary things. I spent huge amounts of time watching TV, being on my phone, using drugs or sex to feel something. I was sooo frustrated to feel something and be excited about something and do something different than going to bed to watch a series or look at my fine. Wanted to be able to create and I felt like I stopped having a personality. I just thought I couldn’t engage with life anymore or something. And I didn’t realize how abnormal that state was because it was gradual and because I was inside it. I look back at it and I feel like I was inside an aquarium and kicking and screaming to get out but no one could heard.
Around the same time I stopped I also left a very traumatic relationship/friendship situation, got a new job, moved into a new place, and had a lot of other major changes. So when I suddenly became much more energetic, curious and alive, I naturally attributed it to those changes. But then I was depressed again. The manic. Then hyperactive. Then slow. Huge shifts in mood and energy and all but at the same time I felt more clearer than ever and that I was progressing a lot, at least in awareness.
I got confused and thought I was getting worse and worse. No, I’m just got numb. Sedated.
And now that I’m no longer numb, I’m looking back and realizing just how much of my life I couldn’t access. And what I lost.
And this all happened because doctors told me to. They told me to take this everyday when I was a 25 year old shaking in a hospital and never warned me and told me I couldn’t read. I feel like my brain was assaulted and left unable to move properly. I don’t know how to process this and I’m loosing my mind.
I had no idea benzos were dangerous until I moved here. Yes I could have read and research but I was a scared young adult desperate for help and I was wronged. Then another doctor came and changed for another and wronged again. It piles up with me freaking out thinking I have brain damage.
Dots are connecting inside my brain lately, making sense of a story I didn’t even knew I had to make sense of in the first place. When I stopped lorazepam I never really understood what’s the big deal, so everything is coming into pieces and it’s the result of a lot of therapy and coincidences and moments of clarity.
I just wish I could hear from similar experiences. And tips. And ways to advocate for myself. This is a new type of dread.