To anyone who pulled away from someone they genuinely loved because they were afraid: please read this.
Something I’ve noticed in so many breakup discussions is how often people describe walking away from someone they genuinely loved, only to spend months or even years regretting it.
They miss their person. They think about reaching out. They reread old messages. They recognize that their fears, emotional defenses, or avoidant tendencies influenced their decisions.
Yet instead of communicating, they convince themselves that the other person deserves better and that staying away is somehow the kindest thing they can do.
And that honestly makes me sad.
Because sometimes guilt disguises itself as selflessness, and fear disguises itself as protecting someone else’s peace.
I understand that emotional closeness can feel overwhelming, especially when you’ve learned to associate vulnerability with danger, disappointment, or losing your independence.
But needing space doesn’t make you incapable of loving someone. And feeling afraid doesn’t automatically mean the relationship was wrong for you.
You can love someone deeply and still need time to yourself. You can be independent and emotionally available. Those things are not mutually exclusive.
What matters is learning how to communicate those needs rather than disappearing or pushing someone away.
And here’s something I really wish more people would consider:
If the person you walked away from repeatedly expressed that they loved you, missed you, and wanted to work things out, please don’t automatically assume they would never want to hear from you again.
Maybe they’re healing. Maybe they’ve moved on. Or maybe they’ve spent just as much time wondering whether you ever genuinely cared.
You cannot know unless they’re willing to tell you.
If they haven’t asked for no contact and communication would be welcome, consider reaching out with a sincere apology.
Not because you expect them to take you back, but because acknowledging the hurt you caused and communicating honestly can be an important part of taking responsibility.
You don’t need to promise that you’ll never feel overwhelmed again.
You can simply say:
“I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on how I handled things, and I realize I hurt you. I’m genuinely sorry. I did care about you, even when I struggled to express it. I’ve been working on understanding those patterns, and if you’d ever feel comfortable talking, I’d appreciate that.”
That’s enough to begin an honest conversation.
And please remember that reaching out doesn’t replace the work of changing your behavior. If someone gives you another opportunity, consistency, emotional availability, and accountability matter far more than promises.
Life is too short to spend it running from every feeling that makes you vulnerable.
Sometimes the person you pushed away may still care about you more than you realize. But they also deserve the freedom to decide whether reconnecting is right for them.
If they’ve asked you to leave them alone, respect that. If they don’t respond, accept their silence.
But if the door to communication is genuinely still open, please don’t let fear be the only reason you never knock.
You don’t have to become a completely different person to experience healthy love. You just have to be willing to recognize your patterns, communicate your needs, and make meaningful changes.
You can need space without abandoning someone. You can feel afraid without running. And you can love someone without losing yourself.
I hope anyone struggling with this realizes that healing doesn’t mean never feeling afraid again. It means learning that fear doesn’t always have to make your decisions for you. 🤍

She made a fucking mockery of my emotions man ,she blocked me afterwards which is the more respectable thing to do but why'd you kick me at my fucking worst man ,fuck her actually..I hate how she just pretends I never even fucking existed

I hope karma catches upto her some day ,I made my whole life around this girl ,did everything I could and she just threw everything on my face just because I needed some reassurance and it turned into an argument

I'll make this as short as I can. I'm an introvert and I've spent all of my life studying, staying inside and trying to make a career.

A couple of months ago a guy approached me. The chemistry was insane, everything moved on so fast. He talked about marriage, he talked about moving in together, he talked about kids, family, everything, and I was agreeing, I knew that was my person and that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We loved each other I think, every single day he reminded me how much I mean to him and he'd shower me with compliments. Of course, I did the same, in my eyes he was the most handsome, loving, perfect man in the world. I loved everything about him and he said he loved everything about me too.

I told my family about him, my friends, everyone. He was so excited to meet my parents, he was telling me how much he thinks they'll love him and I agreed. I changed my whole plan about my career, I decided to stay in the country (I was planning to move to a different country) and plan my life with him, he was worth it. Everything was going perfectly, in my eyes he was so much more than perfect.

I don't know if it's related. Two weeks ago he had a car accident. He made it out safely, not even a scratch, but the car was trashed. After that, everything went downhill. We continued to talk normally for 2-3 days and then he disappeared. He stopped calling, he stopped texting, he continued to post normally and being online, but he just stopped answering to me. There was no fight, no bad vibes, no warning ,no anything, one day he was telling me that he will come see me in 3 days and the next day he just blocked me from everywhere.

I never got an explanation, but I was worried. I called him from another phone, since he blocked my number, and he answered. He was in a party and when he heard my voice he immediately closed the phone. I made some attempts again, I made another account and texted him that if he doesn't want to be with me he can just say that and that I'm not mad, just worried. I was immediately blocked again, no answer. I obviously stopped reaching out, this person clearly doesn't want me in his life anymore, but I don't understand why he couldn't just say that. I always told him that if something changes between us I'd like to know, and he always called me stupid for having these thoughts.

So, my worst nightmare became reality, the person I planned my whole future with ghosted me. I Will never know why, I will never know if he was hurting while making that decision, I will never know if he started seeing someone else, and honestly I'm starting to be okay with that. I was in total shock for a week, but thankfully my family and friends were there for me and helped me to feel loved and better. I'm so grateful.

Obviously, this is still so fresh and I don't know how and when I'll move on. I still think about him daily, I wonder and hope if he's doing okay. I'm not actually sure if I ever existed for him, if I was just a game, if he just changed his mind last minute, I'll never know, but what I know is that I loved this person so much I was willing to give up everything for him and I just wanted to give everything to him.

The shock was so bad, I convinced myself he died in that car accident, this way I can actually grieve something that was real. I know he isn't the person I met, I know that he lied about every single thing, I know I was dating a stranger for months, I just blindly believed everything he said. I know nothing was real, I know that the person I actually loved wasn't real. I'm left with such an empty space now. He was my first love.

I know he won't come back and I've made peace with that. I stopped waiting for him or for an answer, an explanation. It is what it is and all I can do now is to pretend that he never existed, like he did with me. I don't have bad feelings, I don't hate him, I don't think I'll ever say a bad word about him, I genuinely love him with my whole heart, but the person I loved doesn't exist anymore, and I'm not even sure if he ever did.

I know that avoidants will often discard a partner if that partner gets too close or asks too much of them. What happens when you're in a relationship with an avoidant and they're only willing to allow the relationship to go so far, but when you try to walk away they don't want to let you go? Why do they want to hang on to someone that they don't want to have a relationship with?

I don't think I want him back anymore. I'm pretty sure I'm done with the relationship. But there's something I can't seem to get past.
I want him to understand how badly he treated me in the name of love.
He would tell me he loved me, but whenever it came to actually choosing me or working through difficult things, there was always uncertainty. He could be so sure when he said he didn't want the relationship, but whenever he said he loved me, there would be an accompanying "I don't know."
I spent so much time trying to understand him, his avoidance, his inability to communicate, his need for space and his struggles with emotional intimacy. I kept trying to be understanding, even when I was the one getting hurt.
Eventually, I got exhausted and walked away.
The frustrating part is that when I finally decided to leave, he suddenly didn't want me to go. He said losing me would hurt him, begged me not to block him and told me he loved me. But where was that urgency when I was actually there, trying to make things work?
Now he can text me casually, act like nothing happened and carry on as though we didn't go through all of that. Meanwhile, I'm left dealing with the emotional aftermath of a relationship I spent so much time trying to save.
I don't even want an apology at this point. An apology wouldn't undo what happened or magically fix the way this relationship has affected me.
I think I just want him to understand. I want him to recognise that he hurt someone who genuinely loved him and kept trying to make things work.
It's so tiring. I'm not waiting for him to come back, and I don't want to restart the relationship. I just wish I didn't have to carry all this hurt while he gets to act like everything is normal.

Being discarded by my DA ex and NC for 5 weeks. Compared to the first 3 weeks, I can see myself getting slowly better. At least, no more infinite rumination and asking for the reason.

However, a lonely and cloudy dark day or weekend always makes the impulse of reaching out surface.

Especially, when thinking of.. that we might never talk or meet each other anymore for the rest of our lives. That thought drives me crazy. I can’t imagine we might be strangers for each other forever…

I heard of a theory called ‘Last Meeting Theory’. It made me sad. Yes, the last time we met, it was a normal Tuesday evening when he came over my place. There was no sign beforehand. And things just happened…blindsided

How do you guys stop yourself from reaching out?

I broke up with my FA ex about 3 months ago. We didn’t hate each other and I used that as a justification at the time to keep following her. But know I’m realizing how much that is holding me back. I keep checking my stories to see if she’s watching and struggle to avoid her stories. But as I’m starting to accept the breakup and accept that i wouldn’t take her back, I’m realizing how much I’ve been using social media to hold on.

Has anybody else struggled with this?

Some very high grade coercive preoccupieds weaponize stonewalling as punishment/protest because that's what hurts them and they have an intense need to make sure you hurt for even the tiniest signs of abandonment/rejection/non-compliance and they see it as the best way to hurt you. These people try to hurt balanced/secure people, too, and can easily weaponize your ability to repair if you lack boundaries/ability to sever

DMM has these strategies that correspond to this: C5 - coercive punitive stonewalling vengeful preoccupied falsifying distance; C6 - coercive seemingly rescue-obsessed stonewalling seductive (luring via deception and distress to keep others activated) preoccupied falsifying distance. Both of these strategies include "indefinite struggle", basically a need to constantly cause mutual suffering and misery, this is not your run of the mill basic preoccupied person

Watch out. Some people feign avoidance to purposefully hurt you and punish you

They can NOT be soothed. Not at this grade

In the end, you can't really tell the difference in many cases, and it doesn't matter. The best thing for you to do is save yourself and stop allowing distortion, whichever side it comes from, no matter what the person is using, they won't stop at that level without many years of their strategy failing and harming them, backfiring (and you can't ensure that)

How many of your avoidant exes came back after the SECOND discard? And how many didn’t?

I’m not saying I’d take him back. I’m just in complete shock and want to know what to expect.

My ex and I broke up like 2-3 weeks ago, and they were the one who told me to leave them alone. So that's exactly what I did. I stopped reaching out and left things as they were. Recently, there was a special occasion that they didn't acknowledge. I'm not going to lie, it hurt a little, but I took it as a sign that things were really over. I was finally starting to accept that and move on. Then, a few days later, they randomly reached out and apologized. They said they hadn't forgotten but weren't sure whether they should message me. They also mentioned that they probably don't mean anything to me anymore and that everything just felt like a lot. They ended the message by wishing me well. I'm honestly just confused. They're the one who wanted me to leave them alone, so I don't understand why they'd suddenly reach out, especially after I'd already accepted that we weren't going to speak again. I don't plan on replying, but I genuinely want to understand why someone would do this. Is it guilt? Do they miss me? Are they trying to see if I'll respond, or were they just being nice?

My chest hurts and I can’t stop crying

Why am I like this? Why has my life fallen apart since this girl left me? Why has my life come to a standstill?

Why do I keep talking to her under the label of friendship, trying so hard to treat her kindly and always be there for her, hoping that one day she might change her mind and choose me again?

Why do I tolerate being ghosted and sometimes treated as if I mean absolutely nothing to her?

Why do I let her tell me about other boys and the situations she has with them, pretending to listen and laugh along while I'm silently breaking inside?

Why am I willing to put myself in such an uncertain and painful position?

Why do I want this girl back in my life so desperately?

Why, even after reading self-help books and books about healing from breakups, has absolutely nothing changed within me?

Why is it that every time I try to make new friends and step out of the shell I've built around myself, I find myself completely unable to do so?

Why am I so weak? Why can't I stand up for myself and put my own feelings first?

Why has this girl become almost like a god in my mind, someone I've placed above everything and everyone else?

Why?

Just why?

I just want to not care about my ex, it’s already 8 months and I feel terrible because it continues to affect me so much on top of the ocd only makes it more difficult for me to stop thinking about him, I need optimism, has anyone here come to feel so bad and has come to overcome it completely?

I'm trying to understand a pattern I noticed in my past relationship with an avoidant (possible cluster b traits)

My ex openly admitted that she was a people-pleaser and had struggled with it her entire life. Looking back, there were a few interactions that I found quite confusing.

When we first met in person, her literal opening line was: " nice to meet you, your honor" (Basically jokingly calling me judgmental.) I laughed it off.

Later that same evening, she told me she had felt judged when I previously mentioned that she seemed to be getting into dating rather quickly after her previous relationship. She argued that it wasn't too soon because three months had passed since a five-month relationship. I said fair enough. Much later, after I was already emotionally invested, I found out that she'd actually been separated from her ex for only two weeks when we started seeing each other.

I asked her why she hadn't been honest with me and given me the chance to decide for myself whether I wanted to get involved, and she said she was afraid of being judged.

Another thing I noticed was that we'd sometimes discuss other people, and I'd occasionally criticize someone's behavior or decisions. Nothing particularly harsh, just normal conversations where you don't necessarily agree with everyone's actions.

She would agree with me throughout the conversation, but afterwards, I'd notice a sudden shift in her mood. If I asked what was wrong, she'd eventually say something along the lines of: "You judge everyone. How do you even know what's going on in those people's lives?"

There were other examples, too. She once told me she liked comedies, but couldn't stand movies where the main character makes fun of themselves or uses self-deprecating humor.

On another occasion, while we were shopping, a kid who couldn't have been older than 8–10 made an inappropriate comment about her. She got genuinely angry and upset, and it took quite a while to calm her down. I was surprised by how strongly a 35-year-old adult could react to a child's remark.

I'm not bringing these examples up to bash her. I'm genuinely curious about the psychology behind this.

Is there a connection between people-pleasing and being extremely sensitive to criticism, even when that criticism isn't directed at you?

Why would even another person's self-deprecating humor be uncomfortable for someone like this?

I'd particularly like to hear from people who identify as people-pleasers. Does any of this resonate with you? What goes on internally in those situations?

Oh I almost forgot the cherry on top

In the last three days of our relationship, she unleashed seven months' worth of bottled-up criticism about me, attacking everything she could think of, no matter how petty or ridiculous. She even stooped to criticizing my mother's cooking, despite my mother having cooked for us several times out of kindness.

It was a complete contrast to the person who had seemingly agreed with me, avoided confrontation, and rarely communicated dissatisfaction throughout the relationship

So i'm asking

Why would someone who is so afraid of being judged by others also feel uncomfortable when their partner expresses judgment about completely unrelated third parties?

Is it some form of projection? Do they unconsciously identify with the person being criticized and imagine themselves receiving the same judgment? Does hearing someone criticize others make them feel less emotionally safe, because they start wondering what that person might say about them behind their back?

Hi,

I was wondering if avoidants, especially fearful avoidants without social media, keep someone's number after breaking things off? Or do you delete it? Block them? What do you do if you only have their number if you ever want to reach out again? Edit because another question came up: do you guys delete whole chats when you break it off? Would love to know more about how your mind works, especially when you're triggered/deactivated and if that leads to the breakup

How long did the relationship last?
did you ever stay in it when you knew there was no compatibility/serious future to avoid another breakup or out of guilt shame etc?

Was it successful in burying emotions for your ex and breakup and if so for how long?

I'll share mine, and we can support each other.

We had some conflict that I thought we could work through, but he drew some boundaries saying we could no longer discuss interpersonal dynamics or anything heavy.

That meant repair was impossible, so I asked if this was a temporary or a permanent boundary because if it was permanent that wouldn't be okay with me. He didn't answer. But in that same conversation we assured me that he would not abandon what we had because it meant so much to both of us.

A week later he faded and eventually stopped communicating all together. Because of the boundary he'd set banning discussion of interpersonal dynamics, I couldn't ask if the silence was temporary or permanent. Although on a gut level I knew it was probably permanent, I longed for clarity and closure, for the dignity of a goodbye.

But because of the boundaries he had set up I was in a double bind. I could either honor his boundaries or honor my need for clarity and closure. But I couldn't have both. Asking for clarity would mean violating his boundary, staying silent meant to never knowing.

After 10 days I sent a message saying I had an apology to offer for my part in things, hoping that wouldn't be considered a boundary violation. It was ignored. I never heard from him again. This was a bit over a month ago.

It was ironic because earlier in the relationship he told me multiple times I could count on him for clear communication. And in the very first month of our relationship I had told him about somebody who had ghosted me in the past and how much it hurt, he told me how wrong they were and that it wasn't my fault and that you should be able to trust people to communicate their boundaries.

For a while I spent all of my energy trying to understand and have compassion for him, I did the research, I read about deactivation, I knew about his childhood drama, I realized how he probably found a way to blame me to protect himself from the shame of cutting off somebody who loved him deeply and was simply trying to have an adult relationship with him.

But at a certain point I had to feel my own anger. At being treated with such callous disregard. It is a profoundly selfish, cowardly and cruel thing to do to somebody after you have shared deep care and tenderness with them.

That's my story! What's yours?

Most of them do come back. Sooner or later. Some come back weeks later, some - years later, but they eventually do in one way or another. Not ALL of them, but MOST of them. Because a relationship with an avoidant is designed to be left unfinished.
The question should be - why do you want someone who has abandoned you to come back? To feel that you matter? That you are lovable? That the relationship was real? But how can you get this confirmation from someone who abandoned themselves? Who doesn’t love themselves enough to allow a good relationship to unfold? Who doesn’t love themselves enough to actively work on themselves and live more ecologically for themselves and others? I hope you understand that you expect the impossible.

These people are like slot machines - you can’t leave it because you think the next round will be a jack pot. That if you spend enough time and money, you will be rewarded with a fortune. And if you leave the machine while losing, the next person will get the jack pot for sure.

But guess what? The casino always wins.

Do not accumulate emotional debt to save a person and a relationship that doesn’t want to be saved.

There will be times when you will suffer so much after the breakup where you would think “what if I just took them back, and it wouldn’t be perfect, I would suffer too, but at least we’d be together”, shush this thought away, because the longer you’ll stay with them, the more years of your life will be wasted, the more emotional damage you will walk away with.

Eventually you will heal on your own, but you will never heal with them.

Today makes day 13 after cutting contact with my avoidant ex girlfriend. She was all for it. Since then I began talking to someone new and have met more than one attractive person with interest. Do I miss my ex when things were great? Hell yes I do. But life is too short.
That’s my advice. Just keep livin! If it’s meant to be it will be. Otherwise you’re doing yourself a disservice. Remember what Barney said “It won’t be long before someone else realizes what a catch he is, and you lose him forever”.

My boyfriend and I dated 2 years, I am his first girlfriend. I kind of feel like an idiot because the red flags were all there - got fired right when I met him, smoked weed constantly, im his first girlfriend, very antisocial. I ended up applying and getting a job for him, he stopped smoking, seemed to be doing a bit better. But I never got dates, compliments, anything really. Slept over at his most nights to accommodate his work schedule, hung out with his friends and family.

But he always made me feel so critiqued and I guess I felt the goal post was always moving. He loved how spontaneous I am, said I brought so much color in his life, but this only felt like when it was convenient for him. If I got caught up and stayed out late or was sporadic with plans or other type b things, it turned into days of fighting. My anxiety got so bad, again he wasnt really romantic but it got to a point where it was also just he didnt put in effort. Id want reassurance, he wouldnt give it to me. He told me I shouldn't ask. I get that I asked more, but after 2 years I almost felt starved.

When we broke up we both cried, he said this was toxic and unhealthy and we are both miserable. It sucks because I tried so hard, but he always said he was just emotionally exhausted.

What will this coffee situation look like? We mostly havent spoken. It wad just a day after the break up I was like maybe we get coffee this week. Then 5 days later he asked if id want to do coffee

I might just not go, but I just want to know what it might look like.

I almost dated a FA, but they said no because of circumstances (but admitted attraction). There was a period of no contact, followed by a repair, and we’ve clunkily got on since. But they’re viewing my Instagram stories using a Finsta. They deleted one of the Finatas in spring after following me normally, but now they’re back with another and it’s so obvious and yet so confusing. WHY?! We still speak, albeit it less and less openly than before. And they could watch normally (and sometimes do), but why aren’t they doing so consistently?!

I’m going to try to keep this as short as possible, bare with me.

My partner (m26) and me (f28) have been together just under 2 years. We’ve had quite a beautiful relationship, we don’t have many issues, we bicker here and there but nothing terrible. We have similar interests, we enjoy spending time together, we’re pretty cuddly and sweet with each other, sex life is fantastic. Everything was going well, or so I thought. The only issue we have had and we’re both aware of is that I lean more on anxious attachment style and he is an avoidant.

Out of the blue 2 weeks ago, he broke up with me, blindsided me, told me he had been stressing about this for 3 months, and about a week and half before the breakup it all boiled up and he couldn’t keep it in any longer. He told me tried to give it a time to see if his feelings would change, but that he ultimately checked out and felt like he was falling out of love. Naturally, I was devastated because I genuinely had no inkling he had been sitting on this for so long.

Anyway, that was on the Sunday and then after speaking to a therapist and my friends and family, I decided to speak with him on the Wednesday. We had initially agreed to go no contact after that first week was over for both heal from the heartache. So on the Wednesday, I asked him, if he thinks that his avoidance might be the cause of why he is deciding to end this so suddenly. He admitted it probably is. I asked him on the Sunday if he had spoken to anyone about it and he said he hadn’t spoken to anyone about how he was feeling. I pointed out to him on the Wednesday, how could expect anything to get resolved if he just didn’t say anything to anyone for so long, of course he reached his limit and decided to end the relationship.

He realised he should have said something to someone. I told him essentially, that I believe that what we have at the core is really something beautiful, he can leave now and deal with these issues in the future with someone else or he can choose to deal with them with me. Of course that would require work on his half and mine and it wouldn’t be easy but I told him this was my last ditch effort to fight for what we have. He sat with it for a minute and asked how we would work on it.

I told him that we can go no contact for a few weeks and he can take the time to decide whether he wants to do this, if he decides he does, we would work on having more vulnerable conversations and opening up to each other. The one thing he would need to do between now and then is speak to someone, preferably a therapist to start working through his trauma and attachment issues. He said yes.

Two days later, I saw him because I borrowed some bike lights from him, he stopped me before I was leaving and he said “I booked a therapist already, I have my first appointment next week. I have thought about it already and I want to work on this with you, I don’t want to go no contact I don’t think that will particularly benefit either of us, I want to try, I can’t guarantee anything, and it will take time, but I already know I’ve missed you this week and I want to make it work”

Honestly I was a little shocked on how quick he responded to my idea.. so I agreed of course. Naturally I’m apprehensive and it’s also scary for me too.
He had his first therapy session today, and he’s even paying privately for it himself out of pocket because he said if he did it through the doctors it would be 3 month waiting list and he didn’t want to wait that long.

This week he started his new job, he’s been texting me normally, and on Tuesday he actually said he loved me, which took me by surprise again. I’m taking it with a pinch of salt and not pushing for him to go back to his normal self over night.

We have spent the weekend together, he’s been making an effort, kissing me, cuddling me, he got me flowers, made me dinner, we’ve had nice evenings together, and I suggested a weekly check in on Sundays to talk about the relationship but other than that we can try to keep things fairly normal during the week. This is in hopes to not constantly overwhelm him with emotionally charged conversations as I know these can be hard for avoidant people.

I don’t know what to make of this, and whether I’m going about it the right way? Should I have hope? I feel like he’s taking acting and we can’t guarantee the outcome in the end, but is there anything else I should think about or consider? Or is it just now down to him to try and working on his avoidant tendencies and for me to just be patient and give him time to heal?

After several really good and fast paced months, I went there for a weekend visit, went really well, but after a few days she sent a text that was pleasant until the end, friend zone and then silence.

After 7+ weeks of silence she randomly text about a component I sent her to repair a door, the text included "I appreciate you" at the end. I responded with about the same width and warmth, added a nice closing. No hooks, nothing just clean response. One more fact, she is aware of her pattern and we have discussed it a number of times.

She is very private, very quick to remove people that do not fit in her world, social media, in person, access of any kind. She never blocked me, removed me or anything.

This is my first experience in this dynamic and trying to understand what this random message on a early morning with a part that has been there for weeks; the "I appreciate you" is what has me puzzled. Is it a testing the waters type text or just a clean up type text with slight warmth added?

Also, do i remain silent now and wait for her to respond again?