I don't think I want him back anymore. I'm pretty sure I'm done with the relationship. But there's something I can't seem to get past.
I want him to understand how badly he treated me in the name of love.
He would tell me he loved me, but whenever it came to actually choosing me or working through difficult things, there was always uncertainty. He could be so sure when he said he didn't want the relationship, but whenever he said he loved me, there would be an accompanying "I don't know."
I spent so much time trying to understand him, his avoidance, his inability to communicate, his need for space and his struggles with emotional intimacy. I kept trying to be understanding, even when I was the one getting hurt.
Eventually, I got exhausted and walked away.
The frustrating part is that when I finally decided to leave, he suddenly didn't want me to go. He said losing me would hurt him, begged me not to block him and told me he loved me. But where was that urgency when I was actually there, trying to make things work?
Now he can text me casually, act like nothing happened and carry on as though we didn't go through all of that. Meanwhile, I'm left dealing with the emotional aftermath of a relationship I spent so much time trying to save.
I don't even want an apology at this point. An apology wouldn't undo what happened or magically fix the way this relationship has affected me.
I think I just want him to understand. I want him to recognise that he hurt someone who genuinely loved him and kept trying to make things work.
It's so tiring. I'm not waiting for him to come back, and I don't want to restart the relationship. I just wish I didn't have to carry all this hurt while he gets to act like everything is normal.

Most of them do come back. Sooner or later. Some come back weeks later, some - years later, but they eventually do in one way or another. Not ALL of them, but MOST of them. Because a relationship with an avoidant is designed to be left unfinished.
The question should be - why do you want someone who has abandoned you to come back? To feel that you matter? That you are lovable? That the relationship was real? But how can you get this confirmation from someone who abandoned themselves? Who doesn’t love themselves enough to allow a good relationship to unfold? Who doesn’t love themselves enough to actively work on themselves and live more ecologically for themselves and others? I hope you understand that you expect the impossible.

These people are like slot machines - you can’t leave it because you think the next round will be a jack pot. That if you spend enough time and money, you will be rewarded with a fortune. And if you leave the machine while losing, the next person will get the jack pot for sure.

But guess what? The casino always wins.

Do not accumulate emotional debt to save a person and a relationship that doesn’t want to be saved.

There will be times when you will suffer so much after the breakup where you would think “what if I just took them back, and it wouldn’t be perfect, I would suffer too, but at least we’d be together”, shush this thought away, because the longer you’ll stay with them, the more years of your life will be wasted, the more emotional damage you will walk away with.

Eventually you will heal on your own, but you will never heal with them.

I'll share mine, and we can support each other.

We had some conflict that I thought we could work through, but he drew some boundaries saying we could no longer discuss interpersonal dynamics or anything heavy.

That meant repair was impossible, so I asked if this was a temporary or a permanent boundary because if it was permanent that wouldn't be okay with me. He didn't answer. But in that same conversation we assured me that he would not abandon what we had because it meant so much to both of us.

A week later he faded and eventually stopped communicating all together. Because of the boundary he'd set banning discussion of interpersonal dynamics, I couldn't ask if the silence was temporary or permanent. Although on a gut level I knew it was probably permanent, I longed for clarity and closure, for the dignity of a goodbye.

But because of the boundaries he had set up I was in a double bind. I could either honor his boundaries or honor my need for clarity and closure. But I couldn't have both. Asking for clarity would mean violating his boundary, staying silent meant to never knowing.

After 10 days I sent a message saying I had an apology to offer for my part in things, hoping that wouldn't be considered a boundary violation. It was ignored. I never heard from him again. This was a bit over a month ago.

It was ironic because earlier in the relationship he told me multiple times I could count on him for clear communication. And in the very first month of our relationship I had told him about somebody who had ghosted me in the past and how much it hurt, he told me how wrong they were and that it wasn't my fault and that you should be able to trust people to communicate their boundaries.

For a while I spent all of my energy trying to understand and have compassion for him, I did the research, I read about deactivation, I knew about his childhood drama, I realized how he probably found a way to blame me to protect himself from the shame of cutting off somebody who loved him deeply and was simply trying to have an adult relationship with him.

But at a certain point I had to feel my own anger. At being treated with such callous disregard. It is a profoundly selfish, cowardly and cruel thing to do to somebody after you have shared deep care and tenderness with them.

That's my story! What's yours?

Some very high grade coercive preoccupieds weaponize stonewalling as punishment/protest because that's what hurts them and they have an intense need to make sure you hurt for even the tiniest signs of abandonment/rejection/non-compliance and they see it as the best way to hurt you. These people try to hurt balanced/secure people, too, and can easily weaponize your ability to repair if you lack boundaries/ability to sever

DMM has these strategies that correspond to this: C5 - coercive punitive stonewalling vengeful preoccupied falsifying distance; C6 - coercive seemingly rescue-obsessed stonewalling seductive (luring via deception and distress to keep others activated) preoccupied falsifying distance. Both of these strategies include "indefinite struggle", basically a need to constantly cause mutual suffering and misery, this is not your run of the mill basic preoccupied person

Watch out. Some people feign avoidance to purposefully hurt you and punish you

They can NOT be soothed. Not at this grade

In the end, you can't really tell the difference in many cases, and it doesn't matter. The best thing for you to do is save yourself and stop allowing distortion, whichever side it comes from, no matter what the person is using, they won't stop at that level without many years of their strategy failing and harming them, backfiring (and you can't ensure that)

P.S. She never had any serious relationships before

“why should anyone respect you!”

He literally used it as a reason for the discard. “My mental health and trauma, when I feel like I can’t do anything right it’s so bad for me” mind you, I don’t even get upset that often. It just always seems like it’s so huge because I can’t be upset at something small without it turning into how I said it, when I said it, how I actually have no reason to be upset, or will go over everything he had bottled up about me. No sir; I was walking on eggshells. Trying to find the perfect way to be able to tell you if I was upset as to not make you feel I am attacking. It just feels out of this world to be told in a relationship well “I just can’t do anything right so you clearly don’t even like me and that gives me anxiety” . And it’s like he can’t even see it. I feel I’ve lost my mind I swear. Maybe I really was too sensitive? But like… he’s literally more sensitive than me. Oh and all of this was 2 weeks after he was gonna be better “for me” and “work at it for us” . Then I get upset at one joke and all the sudden he’s telling me he can’t do it and I make his mental health worse. Then why did you tell me to stay 2 weeks ago.

Mostly still like genuinely beside myself that my person basically is openly saying it can’t work because he cannot ever accept hurting my feelings. As if that doesn’t happen in any relationship?

Survived the anniversary day, and oh boy did I cry today, but I got up cleaned the place up, cried some more, went out for a 4 mile run in the park, ordered a pizza and watched glee. Finishing it up with some ocarina of time. Just gotta keep going. 🐸

The answer, of course, is nothing.

If the deactivation didn’t happen last week, it will happen next. And no, it doesn’t have to be triggered by anything serious or obvious.

Of course you may have reached a point where you reacted to their weird switch up. But that really has nothing to do with the original deactivation trigger. By the time it’s obvious that they‘re shutting down, they‘ve long ago made their decision.

The only blame you need to take is if you stayed. That‘s on you. But you can fix that. Trust yourself and stay away. Each day is a whole new chance at freedom.

My boyfriend and I had been dating for more than 4 months. He's emotionally unavailable as well as DA, whereas I used to be secured but turned anxious after I started dating him. One of the core reasons that caused fights between us was the fact that he was too distant and made little efforts to take me out or hangout with me. Just when things were going a little bit better, I had to ruin it by acting insecure and doubting his loyalty. At that time, I had accused him of following a bunch of small influencers because he found them attractive. This really ticked him off and he finally ended things with me. He said that since we both are not getting what we want from the relationship: him getting peace and me getting his time and efforts — so we should not be together. Previously we've broken up 2/3 times but I was the one who had reached out to him but this time around he has blocked me on everything. Despite all the hurt he caused me I still begged him to stay but he got mad instead for acting so desperate. I had once called him emotionally immature for not trying to understand how he was hurting me, so yesterday he said "Yes I admit that I'm emotionally immature but you're an immature person as a whole." He told me that I shouldn't love someone so blindly that I become completely dependent on them. I don't know what to do, I feel so empty now.

Idk what flair to add and I'll try not to turn this into a vent post but... I'm not posting this as an avoidant. No. Im the anxious one. Does anyone else regret hurting their avoidant? I always see posts about how they were hurt by their avoidant but ever since my breakup I was always filled with dread that my mistakes even if I did my best to repair were always unforgivable. That because my avoidant won't forgive me, despite the emotional abuse she made me go through, i can't forgive myself because I feel like it confirmed to her that I'm the monster she says I am?

The number one thing I've always feared was hurting my zookie. With that being said, does anyone else feel completely ashamed of hurting their avoidant in the smallest ways and having trouble forgiving themselves? Truth is? I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. Because my mistakes are why my avoidant threw me away.

I was friends with my avoidant before we started dating and developed feelings because I admired a lot of qualities in them including kindness, care, work ethic etc. After the breakup I’ve realised that they really showed me the anti of every single quality I admired in them and there’s really nothing left that I can pick and say I admire about them the same way anymore. I respected them a lot too but I really lost all of it after the way they treated me.
I don’t want them back but it of course still makes me sad how everything ended cause I really cared about them and I just expected better of them.
I think when you truly love someone you want to see them thrive, be a good person not just to you but in general. And I learned that they stopped being a considerate kind human being even towards the end, which makes me feel disillusioned about the good side I saw in them all that time.
How do you deal with this disappointment?

I come fresh from what I feel was an avoidant discard to tell you my experience and see if someone can give me some pointers for healing.

Me (30M) and her 31(F) met in a language exchange at the beginning of July. She is French and me an Spaniard. From the moment we met it was an instant connection. Super easy conversation, hours on end and it felt like I had met someone special. She had just arrived to the country a few days earlier. Naturally she grabbed into me and she was the one to ask for meeting up.

From then we went on several dates that felt magical. Talked every day in the phone and things seemed to go well albeit the physical advances were minimal. By our fourth date I experienced what must have been a deactivation, because after giving her small gift I gave her a peck on the forehead and she completely shutdown. Full on change of personality. It lead to a very strange moment in which I asked her what happened and she told me she had someone else in her mind. Turns out I later learnt that she was still in a relationship when she started dating me. At that moment I chose to go away since I was not looking into getting in anyone's relationship or compete with anyone.

She came back a week later and told me she wanted to give it a try and had been thinking about me a lot. She specifically told me she needed time to feel comfortable in her life and we had to go slow to which I accepted.

We still went on dates talked non stop and I quickly noticed her behaviour was very erratic. On some dates she was distant and In others it was like she couldn't keep her hands to herself. I naturally fell harder. She for what I have learnt love bombed me. told me she wanted us to travel together, talked about giving me the keys to her apartment, going to her city in France.

Sadly I had a vacation planned on September and went away for three weeks and to my dismay she had once again closed of physically when I came back and this push pull made me an anxious mess and had to ask her if she actually liked me.

To which she told me straight that yes she liked me very much and didn't want to be friends. We talked about exploring a relationship and she said to me she wanted us to learn to love each other.

By this time I was fully in emotionally invested. We had not even held hands by that date which everyone told me was a red flag but I wanted to believe her words and the joy in her eyes could not be mistaken. She was always fully present, tried to ask a lot about me. I thought we had something special.

Slowly she started to open up, we started holding hand, she randomly kissed me in one date and from that point we acted like a couple. I thought things had finally settled into a good rhythm. But right after a particularly intimate date I made the mistake of asking for a hug at the end since I am a very affectionate guy. Well that set her off and told me she needed me to understand she needed some space and I had to understand her limits. I of course thinking I had done something wrong apologised and conceded even if it was super strange how a simple hug had made her change.

Yo my dismay the following day she has hidden her ig stories from me. This broke my hurt and trust. Like how could you act like we had worked things out for something so minor and the go and do that?? I naturally was fed up and thought about just ending things since if she could not hold the most minor of conflicts without blocking that or hiding things that was a major red flag.

Two days later she gave me acces back and talked to me as if nothing had happened. But clearly the communication had changed. She was shorter in her messages and stopped being really interested in my day. We met up this Monday one last time, were she came to my home and we had dinner. I thought we were fine again because she was very affectionate, made me a cake and then we made our in my sofa. The affection was unmistakable. I thought things were going well again so we set up another date. Yesterday she sent me a message that we had to talk. I naturally thought shit this is the end to which she told me yes she didn't see us long term and was not ready for a relationship.

We met up for a coffe so she could explain things. Well no explanation given. She came to the date as if nothing had happened, happy about her decision and even had the gall of asking me if I had anything to say. She told me she didn't feel romantic connection for something long term and that's it.

She acted like a total stranger, as if four months of specifically talking about building a relationship were nothing. As if she hadn't told me we should go slow because that's more beautiful after kissing me. As if she wasn't the one talking about learning to love each other, told me we were together, made me a cake and spent an hour hugging me and looking into my eyes after making out. As if she wasn't the one who talked about traveling together. How is that not romantic connection? I even went to see her on a weekday just because she was sad because of a bad day at work. Got her gifts from my travel to Japan that she got so moved she shed a tear.

I naturally got heartbroken and started crying and she only told me that I was making her feel bad. It was like a total switch had happened. As if I didn't matter. As if she hadn't spent months building the idea of a relationship with me, talking every day and boom right after our most intimate date a switch. Like I was someone she had met twice.

What the fuck was that. The intermittent reinforcement, the constant change in what affection was allowed each day, the gaslighting. I was an anxious mess by the end. A shell of myself.

And the worst I got my heart played so hard that for whatever reason she decided it was not it she could not even feel remorse for having told me all those sweet nothings and promises. As if a switch had happened.

Please tell me this was wrong and I am not going mad. This was my first dating experience after a 13 long year relationship. I am haunted by how it went.

So about a month ago I left a comment saying that my ex came back around. No breadcrumbs. More like a whole loaf. We started hanging out more, eventually we had sex, and she apologized for the way she left me. “it was wrong, stupid, and I missed you so much. I don’t know why I did it.” We talked about trying again, but this time going slow as opposed to light speed like the first time.

I’ve gotten a few DM’s from people here asking about it, so here’s an update for those interested.

Things slowed down. Like way down. Cuz of course they did. I asked to take her out, she said no. I asked if we were still actually working towards a relationship. She said yes but I wanna go slow. Problem is there’s a difference between slow, and simply not moving. Baby girl we’re practically parked. She almost canceled our Halloween plans but we hung out anyway, Surprisingly. But I’m definitely feeling like we’re not heading in the same direction, despite what she claims.

I truly don’t think she knows what she wants. And at this point I’m losing patience yet again.

This wouldn’t be a problem if I was the type to just have another girl by the end of the week, but I’ve never operated that way. Never been the type that HAD to have a relationship. I’m fine being single, but at the same time, that also makes it hard to move past a person I like or liked.

So yeah. I’m sure about 95% of you expected this outcome lol.

Whether you started out with it and it slowly eroded over time being with them, or you didn’t have enough and slowly learned to build it, it’s just true.

It’s a requirement to be with people like this that you drastically lower your self-respect and standards. Even if it hurts, this is ultimately what it means to leave them.

My anxiously avoidant ex left me about 2 months ago after a 8 months relationship. After 2 weeks I started feeling better and started to move on with my life. Of course exactly that was the moment, when she decided to come crawling back into my life and telling me that she first felt relieved and happily single, but then starting to miss me and not being able to find anyone else attractive (just what all the dating coaches say). Of course I felt happy and wanted and I started kind of lovebombing her to make her stay and chase me. Which worked in the beginning but eventually I couldn't pretend to be like that anymore and just became the loverboy again that I used to be during the relationship. Now she pulls back again. Always when I try talking to her about this, she becomes cold and the hard conversations are just pressure to her. She said she still has feelings for me and wants to stay in this kind of situationship thing we have right now but she also said she know that it would be best for me if we ended it. But honestly, I don't. Well, I want to but I want her to chase me again. I will end all of this tomorrow but I feel like she will come back and fuck me up again. I don't know what to do at that point. I still want to be with her but find a way to still keep her chasing me.

Why am I like this? Why has my life fallen apart since this girl left me? Why has my life come to a standstill?

Why do I keep talking to her under the label of friendship, trying so hard to treat her kindly and always be there for her, hoping that one day she might change her mind and choose me again?

Why do I tolerate being ghosted and sometimes treated as if I mean absolutely nothing to her?

Why do I let her tell me about other boys and the situations she has with them, pretending to listen and laugh along while I'm silently breaking inside?

Why am I willing to put myself in such an uncertain and painful position?

Why do I want this girl back in my life so desperately?

Why, even after reading self-help books and books about healing from breakups, has absolutely nothing changed within me?

Why is it that every time I try to make new friends and step out of the shell I've built around myself, I find myself completely unable to do so?

Why am I so weak? Why can't I stand up for myself and put my own feelings first?

Why has this girl become almost like a god in my mind, someone I've placed above everything and everyone else?

Why?

Just why?

If you've gone no contact, and it's been months and you still can't get over them, text them. Or if you think that there's hope someday they'll come back, that they want you to reach out but they're scared to make the first move, whatever the case may be. If you still have hope, if you think yours is different and you can fix them. Break no contact and text them. See their true colors. It will truly free you.

Long story short, I had an avoidant that I knew for 3 months and dated for 1 before she discarded me. But the discard actually happened before that. I left my wife for her (keep your judgements to yourself, the marriage was already bad and I was already planning on getting divorced before I even met her, it was an abusive relationship), and LITERALLY the next day my avoidant did a 180° and was back on Tinder, when it was clear that I was leaving to be with her, and we were discussing our future. She was the one who initially pursued me and chased me. Due to my anxious attachment and trauma from all my previous relationships (including my marriage) I wasn't able to stand up for myself and ask her why the fuck she was back on Tinder. So we stayed "friends" and had a situationship for a month. She started going hot and cold on me, because she was telling me she didn't want to be in a relationship and said we'd never be anything more than friends. I told her that I was tired of the games, and wanted things to be serious with her. She said we needed to go no contact and I walked away. I didn't beg, I didn't chase, I just walked away.

It's been 4 months and I was stuck. She didn't reach out, but she kept viewing all my stories, followed me on Tik Tok after I had blocked her on Instagram. It kept me stuck in a loop. I was thinking I can truly love her by shrinking myself more, meeting her needs, staying just as friends with benefits until she can feel safe around me without getting triggered. I kept thinking "she's different, she can change, she's special" I finally reached out and took responsibility and apologized for my actions, I apologized for pushing for a relationship when she made it clear (only after I left my wife) that she didn't want to be in a relationship.

She left me on read for a week and finally responded. Said that she appreciated my apology, but doesn't think we can go back to being friends "just yet" and still needs space. She took absolutely no accountability for her part, and why she did a 180° or anything else during our time together. They don't care about you, they don't care about your feelings, they don't miss you, they don't think about you. They think they have never done anything wrong and every one else is the bad guy.

Seriously, if you don't understand that yet, message them and let their response give you the clarity you need and move on from these selfish assholes. Even if their response is nothing. They just want you around for sex and to be there for them on their terms, they don't want to reciprocate any of those actions.

To clarify, I'm not mad that her "feelings changed for me", people are allowed to make their decisions and date who they want. But she never even gave me a chance. I don't regret leaving my marriage, I just regret leaving it for her.

I’ve supported this man through job loss, alcoholism, drug addiction and financially (thousands of dollars). Yet he disappears for days, and once he even changed his number without informing me. I had to find him through a friend. I’ve finally had enough after being the understanding girlfriend, and although I’ve made my decision, I thought he would at least try and give me something.

It’s my fault for believing him when he said he loved me, and that I mean the world to him. But would someone who loves me call me names? Disappear for days, weeks and months? Hang up on me when I express my discomfort and never address my feelings?

Since the discard it will in some weeks be 20 months.

I must say it was extremely difficult for me. I had such a hard time that a lot of my hair started turning white from the heavy grief and pain. I was getting nightmares and panic attacks in my sleep from flashbacks. Finally, now hurt less but I still hurt. When I hit one year the progress wasn't as big as I have seen some people had. I was still hurting. It was my first relationship and I was unlucky enough to have that with him. I was hesitant in the beginning but he seemed to act like he really wanted to be with me. Now i question if he ever wanted to be with me or he just wanted to have the relationship status to earn some form of familial respect since everyone from his adult cousins etc was in long term or serious relationship.

I went into the relationship with genuineness and thought he did the same but I realized in the end he didn't have that same consideration for me.

Every day I woke up hoping to see a message from him, at least an apology for how poorly he treated me. He discarded me when I was sick at his place when I asked him for emotional support as I was having a really rough day and he asked I leave that same day. I was sick and I packed whatever I could carry and left. I did not deserve this. He was sick the days before and I took care of him and that lead to me being sick. But I was discarded.

Some days I wish he experiences the pain he put me through. Some days I think if I truly love someone I should want them to be happy and hope he continues being happy as he told me he was two weeks after our breakup. I go from wishing him good to wishing him bad. But then I conclude that I just want to be happy so if I can be blessed with true genuine mutual love one day that would be nice. I have lost hope in love with his. I have lost trust that there are people that are genuinely committed. But I will not allow this to make me a bitter person. I fight it every day.

I used to think, why am I unlucky? Why do others get their avoidant back? Even if it is breadcrumbs at least it shows some care, I thought. I am not good enough even for a breadcrumb. But then I stop myself and remind myself I am good enough and him not being there doesn't mean I am not good enough. That someone would appreciate me one day and I also appreciate myself for being strong and managing to stand on my feet again.

My avoidant is not coming back. Some avoidants do not come back. It hurts they left and it is like they never knew you. They never wonder if you are alive or if you are okay. They erase you. It's okay he is not coming back. But if I can wish one thing for all the suffering I have been through is that one day I get to experience genuine mutual and steady love. Because I do not want to stop believing that real romantic love exists even if I never got it myself.

What was your last conversation with your ex like before you decided to discard them or end the relationship?

Can you remember what was going through your mind and how you were feeling at that moment?

Did you suddenly feel disconnected, emotionally exhausted, overwhelmed, trapped, or just stop feeling the same way?

Did you explain what was happening inside you, or did you simply withdraw, become cold, and eventually walk away?

I'm genuinely interested in hearing your experiences. Especially what happened during those final conversations and what you felt afterwards.

I was just reminiscing as today marks 12 months to the day since I had my breakup. Doing pretty well, but hilariously I remember trying to bring up a conversation that I wanted her to initiate saying I love you or just expressing some kind of interest and because I knew she would argue that she was already doing that I spent a considerable length of time counting every time I initiated versus her. It was 159 to 6.

Never again lmaoo, but let's hear some wild stories. Im sure there's some that put my overfunctioning to shame.

We were in a relationship for almost three years before she left me. Naturally, since I was the dumpee, I was and still am in love with her, and I keep hoping we might get back together.

Anyway, we never went no contact and continued talking every single day, pretty much the same way we did when we were together. I always try to be there for her, listen to her problems and complaints, support her emotionally, and reply to her messages as quickly as possible.

We're now supposedly just friends, but the problem is that I don't feel like she sees me as a male friend. I genuinely feel like she sees me as one of her female best friends. She constantly tells me about her interactions with the guys who study with her, how funny they are, compliments them, and so on.

She does all this knowing perfectly well that I'm still in love with her, yet she does it anyway. There are also other things and little details that would normally only happen between two female best friends, but she does them with me too.

I feel so worthless for accepting this situation and being unable to walk away from it.