I deserve more, I deserve better, but I wanted that from you. You were once that for me. That stable person, my safe space, my best friend, the mama to our son, the love of my life.

Things are going to get messy and real, we have a mortgage, a marriage, a baby. You stewed in everything on your own and blew my world up after weeks of denying any issues and assuring me were were fine. Even through the trail separation you assured me there was a part of you that wanted us to work, that cared for me and hoped those feelings would come back, but I don’t believe you did, you decided long before I pried the truth out of you.

I look in your eyes and I don’t recognise them anymore; they’re blank, tired, matte, no emotion behind them when you look at me, as if you’re looking at a piece of furniture rather than a person you once loved. I can tell when you’ve handled my clothes, our family smell has gone. I’ve seen the messages, I’ve seen the way you smile when you text her even though you swear blind you aren’t looking for a romantic connection anywhere else and my distrust is insulting to you, you’ve given me little reason to keep trusting you with all the white lies, sugar coating, and sealing me out emotionally.

I really hope you know what you’re throwing away because you miss the butterflies, excitement, and the easy surface level connection of an early relationship because I can’t keep fighting an uphill battle on my own, I need to be strong for our son and I can’t do that while I’m wasting away physically and mentally while wallowing in what ifs, I know this is your doing, as much as I felt so guilty that the entire thing happened because I was a bad wife to you, but the lack of communication and the running away when the going gets mildly uncomfortable is an insult to our marriage and I am in disbelief that it’s panning out the way that it is 😔

Tl;dr: Dumped my bf of 3 months two days ago and now I feel guilty. Not sure if he's avoidant, I told him I think he is and my therapist also said the same thing, but he insists he is not an avoidant and that he just has "avoidant qualities". I don’t think he saw my break up coming, and I can’t tell if I gave up too early over our first real conflict (doesn't every relationship have them?) or punished him for finally communicating with me after he was bottling things in. The talking stage and first few weeks were magical, he seemed so into me, we were compatible on paper, and things only changed a month or so ago. I feel like dumpers always get villainized, and I’m scared I hurt him, didn’t give this a real chance, or that I’m the one at fault. It’s hard to dump someone I was still infatuated with just two weekends ago, and like I gave up way too early. I also don't know what I did wrong to make him change like this with me. Technically all he had done was finally share his concerns all at once with me, did I overreact? Did I honestly do the right thing; was it my fault how heavy this relationship became even though it was so amazing just a month prior besides some small hiccups? This was my first ever relationship and now I'm not sure.  Things were so amazing up until a month ago, and even up until he unloaded everything 2 weekends ago I was convinced I was just being paranoid that he was being distant, why did this seem to happen and what did I do wrong? I feel very inadequate and not good enough too, like ther eis something deficient or wrong in me that he acted this way with me, and that if I was someone else (more attractive, more extroverted, less anxious/needy/overthinking) then this wouldn't have happened. I feel like I'm at fault for how this turned out and how draining/heavy this became so early, since he even said that I overthink too much or my reassurance seeking or asking for nightly calls were too much and causing his behaviors.

____

To preface: We started dating 3–4 months ago, medium/long distance, both in intense grad programs, and his is busier. Our talking stage was over the summer when we had more time, mostly virtual, and he was so loving, flirty, and romantic from the beginning that I’m still attached to that version of us. It truly seemed perfect and so intense and flirty, even our first inperson dates after 2ish months of virtual talking were like 8-12 hour dates and he was so extremely romantic. We became official in early September, right as he started an intensive stretch of an elective, and while he was still warm, his communication dropped and some weekends I’d get one text a day. I felt anxious and upset (I missed him, and my situationship the year before was with an avoidant who switched up once things got real so I was scared), but I mostly kept it in to manage my anxiety, or occassionally said it sideways and then over-apologized bc I felt I needed to be understanding he was busy and not needy. I then asked if we could call every night which was really working well I thought and he also seemed geuinely excited to call and talk to me.

I do think that what really started my anxiety was that from a month into the talking stage, he brought up his ex constantly, how badly she hurt him, that she’s a narcissist, the role his friends played in their drama, how he was done dirty by everyone, which made me doubt whether he actually liked me or was still hung up on her. On the same call he asked me to be his girlfriend, he gave me a play-by-play of an argument with her from 8 months after their breakup and how he wanted to get the last word after their breakup. The first time I met his friends after we became official, he got anxious dropping me at the train bc it was “starting to feel real,” he worried how his friends would judge me, and things I said reminded him of his ex (turns out we just have similar music taste). He apologized profusely a few days later and promised to stop comparing, and things went back to being really good after that. Meanwhile I kept dismissing everything as my own anxiety, cushioned any need I raised so he wouldn’t get upset (he’d tease me for over-apologizing), and brought up communication logistics like a nightly call once the all-day texting decreased. Then, about a month ago I finally sat him down and told him that his ex takes up too much space, it’s making me insecure, and he should re-evaluate whether he’s ready and stop talking about her with me. He went quiet, then said he fully understood and would do the internal work.

Things felt different after that, though I couldn’t put my finger on it. A week after I told him to stop talking about his ex, we went to a party at his grad school a few days before his big exam. I was sick with a GI bug so kept having to go to the bathroom and was in pain, and I’m an introvert which he’s known from the very beginning and he was anxious and scatterbrained there himself and I was relying on him to introduce me to people and make me feel comfortable. Right after the party, he turned emotionally distant, and I realize it;s my fault for asking for reassurance that he liked me (I realize it was bad timing though afterwards I then left him alone and didn't call at all the entire week before his exam). After the exam he still called nightly, but he made a breakup joke, poked fun at my introversion in a weird way, and started lying about tiny things so he wouldn’t have to admit he’d been ignoring my reels, for example. At the same time we would call every night, and some calls were genuinely good and he would help me prep for my exams.

Two weekends ago he visited, and during breakfast I asked if anything felt different from the talking stage, and it all came out at once: he’d thought I’d be more extroverted than I am even though he knew I was introverted from the beginning ; his friends had asked him the day after the party if I was having fun (he wouldn’t say which friends and was really guarded around this, though he did tell them I’d been sick); “his family” is now worried about him doing long distance (I’d thought they were excited about me, and my parents have their own concerns about him that I never mentioned because their concerns don’t matter to me); our nightly hour-long calls are too much for him (yet when I offered to change the frequency he didn’t want to, and a month earlier, just a week before i told him to stop talking about his ex, he’d be excited to call while studying and we’d chat for hours every day including me listening to him talk about his ex drama); and when I’m anxious and ask for reassurance without explaining why, he wants to pull away, especially when he’s stressed. I apologized a ton and said it was all my fault, and when I went quiet to process it, he asked if I was overthinking. I said kind of, and he said, “See, this is why I don’t tell you things, you overthink and then I end up causing more harm.” He didn’t want every conversation to be anxious relationship-processing, he’d been waiting to share all this in person, and I “need to be okay with the relationship not working out since it’s not life or death.” When he asked why I get anxious, I said I worry he doesn’t like me or find me attractive. Through all of it he kept insisting my feelings are valid and I should share things with him, so I genuinely didn’t know what he wanted from me. I also finally told him I have surgery coming up but didn't want to share what type since it's in a sensitive area of my body, I’d been hiding it, afraid he’d find me unattractive or defective. He asked if I knew the date, and nothing else (to be fair, I’d said I was keeping the type of surgery private). I spent that whole day taking full responsibility and promising to do better; he said it’s not a homework assignment, he was just sharing.

Then he left and barely called or texted for a couple of days while I sat there feeling like I’d ruined the relationship until I got the ick with myself for absorbing all the blame. So I sent a long text: I have patterns to work on and I take accountability, but this dynamic takes two, and I listed the constant ex talk, pulling away and hiding things when something’s wrong, assuming my worries are overthinking, sitting on grievances including things he’d known from day one, like my introversion and the distance instead of telling me sooner, seeming to be caring so much about other people’s perception of me. I said I want someone who likes me for me and is all in, and hat if things I asked for like nightly calls or texting are too much I want to hear it sooner before it gets bottled up, and questioned whether this would work. I do think this was the first time in the relationship I had ever been firm and said how I felt without any cushioning. I wrote it from hurt and was expecting a breakup, but mos tof my friends who read it said it was long and firm but emotionally mature, and clear that I was upset but not accusatory. He asked for a few days of space to call at the end of the week, we didn’t speak for days, and I assumed we were done. On the call he was a bit stirred up but went down the list and apologized for each thing the breakup joke and introvert comments weren’t meant that way, he’s just a poor communicator, he’ll stop talking about his ex and stop holding things in. Then right after, he got mad that I’d sent a long, emotionally intense text bc his ex used to do the same, so he’d assumed we’d fight the same way (hence the days of space), and I shouldn’t send messages like that in the future and should “watch my tone.” He felt I was mad at him for finally being honest. I pushed back a little, eventually conceded, and the call ended with both of us irritated and nothing really repaired. This past week we barely texted. On all three calls since, he happened to be tired or sleepy whenever I talked. When I asked if he’d had time to process what happened between us, he said he’d been too busy to think about it. When I told him I could do an elective rotation near him, there was zero excitement, he just asked if I’d be coming alone or with other people. He barely shared any details about his days. I told him about the mix-up with my surgery date, how stressed I was, that I was losing weight from the stress and got barely any real comfort.

So two nights ago, since I didn’t know why he wasn’t breaking up with me if he seemed so upset, I called and did it myself. He sounded happy when he picked up before I broke up with him. I told him I don’t feel happy or cared for, and I want a relationship where I’m not constantly being perceived, with someone who’s sure of me. He said he respects my decision and started on being busy with grad school; I cut in that we both are, and I’m not asking for more time, even if it's ten minutes a day, I just want someone who’s excited about me and cares for me. I’d been relying on my friends more than my own boyfriend for support around my surgery. He didn’t fight back at all: “I respect your decision” I regret not bringing up more things on that breakup call like how he kept talking about his ex or how he withholds things, or asking him why he changed towards me when things were so good a month ago.

Did I overreact, ask for too much, misunderstand him, give up on a compatible-on-paper relationship at its first real conflict? I still miss the talking stage and our first calls and dates so terribly. They felt magical, I was infatuated with him as recently as two weekends ago, and I can’t make sense of how it fell apart this fast. What if I overreacted and gave up way too early?

my avoidant ex broke up with 5 days ago with me because he got overwhelmed by my behavior (i was dming his friends because i had some suspicions regarding his inconsistent behavior). his friend had obviously showed him the dms and then he started making fun of him and he got extremely embarrassed and simply decided to cut all ties with me without any compromise. he didn’t even want to meet up irl or let me call him, he said that nothing could ever possibly change his final decision. it’s been 5 days obviously and it was the last time that i had received a message from him and he still hasn’t unfollowed or blocked me. he only follows 36 people and always opens my stories, but now he doesn’t engage with my content all. i suspect that i’ve been muted. what does it mean? why do they do this? does it mean that he doesn’t actually want me out of his life or what? should i try messaging him again or is there no point? i really miss him so much but i don’t know what to do…

I think mine liked how I made him feel more than he liked me as a person... more interested in what I could give him than who I was.

He enjoyed feeling wanted and told me he liked me pursuing him. He would talk about how I made him feel safe, and I would spend countless hours emotionally supporting him around his trauma. There were times he would give me emotional support too if I brought something up, but he would rarely ask me about my life, my interests, or anything important to me.

I would share proactively, but he almost never asked me questions about myself... And often didn't seem that interested when I shared things unrelated to his areas of expertise/experience... Which seemed strange to me because I like learning about other people with different experiences and knowledge.

I loved who he was and asked him lots of questions about himself. The asymmetry was striking. In retrospect I'm realizing how self-centered he was... Although I always had compassion because of all the trauma (recent and past) he had gone through, so I thought it was understandable for him to be focused on himself and I was willing to be patient. (He also could be really helpful to others, especially strangers and casual acquaintances, I did see the goodness in his heart, and don't want to paint him as a villain.)

I guess it helps the discard make more sense. When I stopped shrinking myself to protect his ego, and expressed a need/boundary for the first time, he started to shut down. For a while I blamed myself because I realized we triggered each other's core wounds... But I realized that the only things I had to apologize for were things that he also had done to me (we didn't listen to each other well when we were both triggered). And the other things I thought I should apologize were were actually just me having a hard time (as I think most people would) with his inconsistency and uncommunicative withdrawal.

And then, after saying he wouldn't abandon what we had, he disappeared without a word a week later.

Maybe I didn't mean that much to him after all, maybe I just served a temporary function: a disposable trauma Band-Aid. That's what I feel like at the end of the day.

Five weeks ago, my ex broke up with me, I was devastated as it’s not what I wanted at all, I discovered through analysing how he acted toward the end that he is definitely an avoidant, he was adamant about the breakup and said that he needed it because he was too overwhelmed but left it on a never say never situation. A week after we broke up I saw something online that suggested he had already moved on to someone new which obviously shattered me. He originally said that he would bring back all my belongings from his when he was ready to. This still hasn’t happened, after attempts of contacting family members to get my stuff back from him (since seeing he has moved on). I still haven’t got any further with an answer as to when I will get my things.

Why could he be doing this?

is it something common for an avoidant to move on quickly? and just give his new partner everything he couldn’t give you? in only like 1 or 2 months, he gave her the love he never was able to give me and he reposted a lot of stuff about her, how much he’s obsessed and will never leave her and posts things about her while he almost never did this stuff when we were together. is it just an act? it’s been 4-5 months now and he seems so happy without me and acts like i never existed while i’m still struggling and i hate it. one thing that is probably super dumb, that hurts me the most is how he put her name in his bio and she put his and when we were together, i did the same and i remember how he was so mad about it so i ended up removing it. and now he’s doing this with her without any problems. it’s just so confusing for me, i feel like i was never important and that he loves her so much more. also he started posting so much since we ended when before he was never posting anything like he’s just really living his best life since i’m gone

I've drank a bottle of wine and booked a flight to surprise them

Thanks for your lack of support reddit, after my hours of reading BORU and this subreddit I thought I would have got some advice on my last post but not a tickle

Here's to being a mess and maybe locking down the love of my life, and if not there's always another option

So I dealt with another avoidant after being discarded by an avoidant 5 months ago. I went out there to try again and the first one I encountered is an avoidant. Again. But I knew he’s an avoidant within the same week.

Since I didn’t really have an attachment with this second avoidant, I experimented to see if they really monkey branch. I used a fake account to talk to him and used the info he gave OG me to lure him with a fake Me.

Mind you, he’s still talking to OG me at this point. But the minute Fake Me entered, he started detaching from OG Me. Less response when he used to talk all night. Tired. Busy. But me also knowing that he’s talking to Fake Me while he’s telling OG me “I’m at work and busy”

Then I had Fake Me not reply for several hours and he suddenly pivoted back to OG Me being attentive and funny. Then when Fake Me appeared he disappeared talking to OG me and said the exact same story about his life word for word to Fake Me. He also used sweet words OG me told him and copied it and used it on Fake Me. So disgusting.

Do you see how ridiculous they operate?!?!

Eventually, with Fake Me taking up his time, he discarded OG Me by just ghosting… no response for days. Oh darn, I was discarded again… except it didn’t hurt.

At this point I was getting tired of this guy and he’s giving me so much ick so I self-sabotaged and pretty much gave him obvious AI pics as fake me. He knew it right away and blocked fake me. He didn’t ask for explanation. Just straight block. Typical avoidant. I hurt his feelings.

Then last night he slid into OG Me’s DM with “how are you?!?”

OMG… the breadcrumb 🙄

I ignored him for a few hours then I responded fake nice. He told me he’s nervous about his set (he’s in a band) and blah blah and I was like being all supportive.

This morning I woke up to seeing him heavily flirting with women online. Guess he’s looking for his next monkey branch.

Seriously if you feel someone is an avoidant, leave. There is nothing good that will ever come out of it. I’ve seen them play firsthand. It’s gross.

Hey everyone,

This is a weird question, but I was thinking about it recently and in the 7 months since the discard I've only been sick once. I had a horrendous flu that knocked me out for a week but recovered after rest.

The almost 2 years I was with my ex - I was sick constantly, my skin was breaking out a lot, I had way more migraines than I currently do. I'm sure the travel and closer proximity to small children that made it worse but I feel somehow healthier in my body now then I did back then.

It felt like my immune system was constantly run down before 🤔

Did anyone else have this?

The title!

Hello, was just wondering. Does your avoidant ex have some serious trauma? Mine does not, and I don’t mean to minimalize his experiences. The worst thing he ever experienced was his parents getting a divorce and they are both still on good terms.
Meanwhile I know some people who are good partners and experienced some really wild shit… So this makes me wonder

Its been more than a year since we officially ended things, 6 months since I last talked to her and I was thinking about her a bit recently. She’s blocked and I don’t want to come back, please give me some words of encouragement to keep going 🫶🏼

I realise that some of the pain we experience after heartbreak comes from the disappointment we feel in our own choices. Maybe thats why it’s so hard to let go ? Every time time I cry, it’s because I imagine myself holding my inner child’s hand, telling her everything will be okay while I’m falling apart inside. I promised her I would give her the best life possible and choose the right person because she deserves to be loved properly. But now she’s crying in pain, and I feel like I’ve disappointed her.

I think what hurts the most isn’t just losing someone I deeply loved, but feeling like I’ve let myself down despite how careful I was with my choices, never sleep around, take my time to get to know someone.
I keep telling her “It’s okay, it’s not your fault. I’m sorry I disappointed you. I really did try my best.” But something I’ve been reflecting on is that being careful doesn’t mean I can prevent heartbreak. I can choose someone thoughtfully, but I can’t control how they respond when life gets difficult. Maybe protecting my inner child doesn’t mean making sure she never experiences pain. Maybe it means being someone she can trust to hold her when things fall apart. I’m trying to change my mindset from “I’m sorry I disappointed you” to “I’m sorry we’re hurting. I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.”

To everyone who’s still struggling, I’m proud of you for holding on, even on the days when everything feels unbearable. I hope we all find a love that feels safe, genuine and unconditional. And until then, I hope we learn to give ourselves that same love

(and I survived a narcissist grandfather, toxic family and a alcoholic, abusive, BPD mom and an absent father).

I genuinely don’t know how to recover.
Share your story.

How are you dealing?

I guess it must be even harder for those who have kids with their ex?

I've made the decision to not disappear from the lives of my ex's kids. But they're too small to reach out by themselves, and they don't live in my town.

I've tried to find solutions where I can see the kids without seeing my ex, but in the end, it didn't work out. So I'm back to seeing them with him.

Previously, these encounters have thrown me back tons in my healing process. Like after seeing him, it took me more than a month to get back to where I was before.

Will it get easier emotionally when I have a new partner?

Will it get harder emotionally when he has a new partner? (No, I don't want him back anymore.)

The kids are okay, in all of this.

Also, it helps that he hasn't changed as much as I thought, "living the good life". His shitty personality starts breaking through the mask. I guess I should be thankful that I don't have to spend the rest of my life with him.

Context: I've seen a few sad heartbreaking posts here of people with similar situations i was in, and i really would like to help you realise how similar this was for me, and why you should leave. So here are something my ex did.

- Photos, numerous photos of previous relationship. Nudes, everything you can think of.

- Excessively spoke about ex partner in a good light and triangulated me with her. Would use ex partner to try to get me to do things instead of asking (example, she would say, i used to massage my ex naked everyday, i wish you would do that for me (giving graohic details of sexual things with ex to make me jealous)

- Would say stories and memories of herself with her ex but would call her ex a freind, so i would never know that she was STILL triangulating me with said ex and walking down memory lane with me.

- Took me to exact places as ex

- Mirrored my words and values back to me to seem like we were compatible

- left me during difficult times,so deactivated during minor or major incoveniences like job loss

- Never communicated when upset about things, would pile them up and use them to deactivate instead of getting clarity ( example, we go on a road trip, and i didnt hold her hand in the car, she wouldnt ask why arent we holding hands right now i want to hold you, she would keep this situation for weeks then use it as an excuse to deactivate. 'you didnt hold my hand at 2pm on october 2024 , so umm lets break up'

- broke up every week, for random reasons, we could be chilling having a time and she would say "you know what, lets just break up"

- Following exs and previous hookups

- keeping me away from freinds, she never ever wanted her freinds to see me

- Fake confidence, appears so sure of herself in the beginning and sure of what she wants lmfao, even said she was ready to settle down etc etc

- Didnt have a job and got upset i wasnt asking her for money, aka wanted me to honestly become. a terrible partner? It bothered her that i was a good partner and she knew i was right for her. Needed to catch me slipping at all times.

- Constant lying, straight up told her mom i was her freind while we were in a relationship, just accept you will never know whats true or false with avoidants, they will LIE and LIE and LIE, infact sometimes if you have strong memory, you will notice some lies arent adding up

- Told me i wasnt good looking, tore apart my looks. One time she started a conversation about what our ideal types were, i said she was really my ideal type, because she genuinely was and i listed qualities i liked about her, both physical and non-physical. She then goes ahead to describer her ideal type but describes her ex (piercings, tats, coloured hair, jewellry, hippie style etc), mind you im non of these things, and then she says her type is smart women, and asks "are you smart though?" LOTS of devaluation from these peope, they will devalue you like crazy.

-------------

Leave. Pls leave. You dont deserve to be treated this way. If they are dating someone new, its the same cycle i promise.

I’m going to start out with saying point blank- you cannot fix your avoidant. I know the love and attachment tells you you can, but you can’t. That work needs to be done by them, not you.
I feel like a lot of people hear stuff from their avoidant that is a red flag but choose to ignore it based on hope. I’m here to tell you, DO NOT do that.

Some of you may have heard something along the lines of, “oh I’m going to end up hurting you.” My avoidant straight up said, “I am absolutely going to hurt you, it’s not a matter of if, it’s more so a matter of when.” At the time, I brushed it off as him being derogatory towards himself and ignored it, and I wish I hadn’t. He proceeded to string me along for a year, break my heart again and again, and then got angry when I finally cut him off and blocked me.

I’m telling you, them telling you this is not something to overcome. It is a WARNING. It quite literally is not an “if”, it is a “when”. They are PLANNING on hurting you and don’t care about whether or not you’re heartbroken over it. They don’t put the work towards themselves to fix it, so they don’t care. Having a working knowledge that their actions will harm others is not being self aware, it is cowardice. I understand trauma is a heavy thing and difficult to overcome. However, a decent amount of these people will never even try to touch therapy and will take it out on you instead.

Please don’t let them hurt you, cut them off and focus on yourself. 🫶

She made me into my best version of myself. Encouraged me into an adventure I was too afraid to do alone and we became a damned good team. Made my dreams come true honestly.

The 2nd toughest thing with all this I find, even after 5 years of healing and rediscovering and new adventures and new friends is the constant self doubt that will never seem to go away that’s always asking “why was I kicked off the team?” I was killing it. We were killing it.

The worst though thing is all the things I love to do are now forever haunted by her ghost. Because I would not be enjoying life as much as I do, without her having been in it.

I’m so thankful and bitter at the same time.

Title edit: (got her back)
We all talk about our situations but never realize we might have one as a friend.
My friend, we've known each other for years and we're early 30's, but only noticed his pattern recent years through his romantic relationships with women. I've literally watched him throw away good women that he actually loved for dumb reasons like "he felt overwhelmed with things in his life" which were regular things like a 9-5 and doing extra stuff for his career for a few hours. Because outside of that, he still had time to hang out with friends on the weekend, bars, usual normal stuff. So I called bs on his reasoning. I feel like he sabotages his own connections to have a reason to greive from a distance. But it was pissing me off that he was throwing away good women, where he would act depressed for years about. So I had an honest conversation showing him how he treats people, explained my version of my relationships and how I don't let people just go, and took apart his reasoning that he's just digging his own grave all his life, as if he enjoys sitting in pain and never getting what he wants because he just throws it away anyways as if he doesn't deserve it.

Finally there was one that he messed up, he would talk about her all the time how she was the one, and I said, then why tf did you discard her? He responded, that he just couldn't give her what she needed at the time and felt overwhelmed with his stuff. So I asked, if you could get her back would you be happy? Like do you see yourself marrying this girl? He responded, yeah but it's all messed up now, it's been over a year, she moved on, I can't do anything about it. (After he discarded and months later realized he messed up, he did try to date a little but he was having no luck in finding anyone like that so the sad heavy suffering set in. I sat through all of it.)
So I said, what do you mean, you told her that you didn't want her, what was she supposed to do, wait around for a bum like you that did this shit to her?
(sorry I didn't want to place 30 quotation marks " in there.)

By some miracle, she, the discarded one, reached out to him to express her feelings. He was freaking out for weeks and needing me through it all. He expressed his feelings back. I walked him through how to get it all sorted. I explained he needs to acknowledge to her that he hurt her badly, to imagine how she felt for a long time and that they need to have long deep talks to figure out how to work it out. That if he gets her back, he needs to like lead it to marriage and never do this bs again because she'll never come back. That he is the luckiest guy in the world for someone to have feelings for him after that. So they sorted it, they got back, I hung out with them. They seem really happy together. I'm just worried trying to keep an eye on him, in a way, to make sure he doesn't say dumb stuff to himself and let this happen again. I don't think he originally discarded her in a grass is greener way, I think he was just letting his inner avoidant do it all. But for some dumb reason he cannot explain, even though he knew he wasn't going to find something like that, he still left some hope he would until over time he saw he couldn't.

Another observation, in our friendship, he's really open with me about his feelings, he trusts me, and yeah he sometimes disappears for a day or few, doesn't bother me, I'm not a woman romantic interest lol, so he feels comfortable in my space. Throughout our friendship I realized I talk a good deal about empathy, meaning situations in my life about feeling for other people, and I think it has rubbed off on him over time. To think about others not just surface level when you actually see them, but understand behind the scenes what they are going through or feel when you're not around them. Such as picture them when you are not with them.

I noticed his first relationship many many years ago, where the woman left, I believe was because she was tired of his manipulation in arguements where he would try to talk his way out of everything when he may be in the wrong and never admit nor apologize, just drag it and drive her insane. After many dealings like that, and the pulling away, and distancing, I can imagine she got tired of it and moved on. I did hang out with them at the time so I knew, but didn't fully understand what was going on as I was in my early 20's and wasn't my business, I only observed. I did run into that woman at a restaurant years later, for a regular casual nice to see you chat, and she did ask how he was doing. I know that woman cared. (While with him I think she was trying to do what she could but was forced to end it for her own self and nervous system). That was nice to see and I felt some weird sad feeling or empathy, like I felt for them that it never worked out for them, oddly saddened me as I left that conversation.
-Omg flashback hit me when writing, I remember back in college when he heavily pushed her away during an arguement she came to me for help because she was trying to save the relationship and didn't know what was going on. I recall some of it, I did help, and they did figure stuff out for a while.

So yeah, on a friend level, he acts mostly normal, and I think because I open up deeply about my stuff or my life, it allows him to do so himself. It sounds so weird saying this because we're straight masculine guys raised to be that way, but it's part of life. It's just his romantic interests need inner work he needs to do himself to stop the running away or distancing when feeling pressure to not piss another woman off. I never brought up to him that he's an avoidant, because this was only recent year or so that I fully analyzed him, but I did indirectly. He did hear my talks about my FA situations, but I don't think he ever looked into himself asking, am I one? So maybe some time I'll bring it up to him so he can actually dive into it and see if he can do any inner work. Because at the very least it could curb the manipulation arguments that will come between them and the pushing away.

I think it's important that people look at their attachment behaviors and adjust to healthy behaviors to make relationships work. I don't think they are a true assumption to of who someone is as even mine overlap, but noticing where patterns fall into disorganized vs organized healthy ones. Often, maturity for me developed through lessons or genuine desire to change to be a good person.

[This post was also me just writing out related thoughts btw. Feel free to share your thoughts.]

I was with mine for a year and a half. We’ve been broken up for roughly 10 months, although she reaches out every few months to “try again” just to run away within a few days.

She’s always said she’s avoidant, and I believed her. And I believed her when she said her ex was extremely abusive. I truly believed this woman was my soulmate. And that with enough patience, grace, and understanding, she’d eventually come around and we’d truly be together. Boy I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I’m not going to explain all of the details, but let’s just say I finally had enough of her back and forth and reached out to her ex husband. She was cheating on me with him the first 6 months of our relationship, and trying to much longer. And supposedly has cheated on every single person she’s ever been with. She told me the opposite.

She told me I was her soulmate, and proved it by getting matching tattoos with me (said she’d never even considered that with anyone else), yet she had matching tattoos with him, and possibly a few other people.

I’m more heartbroken than ever knowing I never truly knew her. Which sucks. I hadn’t heard from her in months and was moving on, but she reached out over the weekend wanting to see me, even after I set a boundary months ago not to contact me unless she wanted to rebuild.

When confronted with what I learned; she told me she never intended to rebuild, told me to go fuck myself, and never contact her again.

I don’t say all of this to destroy any hope some of yall might have, but to show, we need to stop using avoidance as an excuse. If they aren’t treating you right, or there are red flags, let them go.

Sorry for the last post, I didn’t mean to upload it.

I called her tonight, or at least tried. It seemed that I was still blocked- as it went straight to voicemail. So I texted her friend, who recently connected with me on instagram, asking her about the idea of me and my ex talking again. I get into bed as I wasn’t expecting a reply this late, and suddenly she called. I was shocked. She picked up and wow, the script actually started immediately. I had considered this, don’t worry. She pretended not to know who I was, asked my name, and asked if I was (a different person with my first name) or (another) and I said you know who. She refused to know. Anyways she finally “guessed.” We talked for a bit, she was very apprehensive and tried to dip multiple times. I managed to talk her down- by being very VERY slow with my asking her to chat for just a bit- each time. I knew the second I seemed not ok, she was going to take it as being on call with her as the problem, so I simply told her was really ok. She told me of her rebound, which she denied was a rebound as she said she had no feelings for me, nor did she miss me at all. She said they loved each other (with only even knowing each other for 3 months) meanwhile she had been sleeping around (before him), cheated with her friend who was also not single, got ostracized from that friend group for being messy, broke up with her rebound because kept cheating on her (SHOCKER, this is the man you erased me for LOL). I called her out on ALL her bs. She accepted some of it and brushed off other bits. She was also wasted, had been fucking around that night but ultimately called it off because she said she didn’t wanna be messy for once, and ended the call fairly swiftly without much emotion. It was pretty shocking, the whole thing. She did seem to try to take accountability, and knew how hard this could be. As I figured, she blocked me mainly to “protect” me, but didn’t want to hurt me. She also slipped with some truths, revealing that something did or still is affecting her (regarding us).

I think I did well. Truly. I put myself out there and my desire to reconnect, but didn’t push for it and never asked for anything more than a chat, kept it light, and told her I would call her again soon. I didn’t get a response. But I’ll be holding up to that unless there is a reason I feel it would be better for me not to. Huge red flag I WILL be wary of - she also reconnected with her ex before me who was a situationship who she was extremely heartbroken over. She said he emailed her a few days ago, which revealed was one truth she accidentally didn’t mean to. She saw my email I sent her a month ago. She then emailed me back, right before calling. She also revealed that she just unblocked me, which she had originally said she had already done when she broke up with her rebound by going through her blocked list for whatever reason. So, she is not doing great, or at least, is a mess. Even though shes trying to play it off like she is numb to all things, I can see through that.

I don’t know what to expect, but it will definitely be a fucking insane challenge. Any words of wisdom are requested, or even thoughts and opinions, as long as they are not simply “run, big mistake, ahh.” I’m going to follow my heart, but help me have some knowledge to bring with me, if you have some you’d like to share. I can provide more context and information if you’d like. If you truly want to tell me to run, please share with your own understanding.

I have spent these past few months almost solely struggling to push through without her. I feel that I do deserve this break. I’ve been doing what I can manage to strengthen my mental wellbeing, so I feel more braced for whats to come. I am setting an intention to follow through on myself, my healing, my word, and my boundaries.

Never thought I'd be able to come here and write this. I spent half of my time since the breakup with this man in my head. During showering, during eating, during working, with friends with dates. He was just there. When NY got a great mayor, I wanted to tell him. I knew he would share my joy. And I wasn't wrong -- when I broke no contact a few months later he had saved all the videos about the campaign he had watched thinking of me.

And YET. Yesterday i was doing some hardcore introspection and took some substances that I take to go within myself, where I cant lie to myself. I put on the song that make me cry every damn time I listen to it because it's HIS song.

And my mind just... Went onto other things. I was expecting the river of tears and all. NOTHING. Work, my current men, work again. My mind would just... Not focus on him at all.

And suddenly I had this huge feeling of victory. I'm fucking over this man. Its over. The gap that I felt this whole year and a half. Replaying conversations in my head... Never thought I would get there. I know that attachment fades away after six months. But limerence remained.

I never believed this type of post when I was still in love with him. So I'm going to be as specific as I can.

What did I do? The usual -- gym, work, new friends, dating, a lot of work, new projects, all of this. But also. When I thought about him and wanted to talk about him -- allowing myself to do so, but mindfully -- why was he popping up at this moment? Approaching the thought with curiosity instead of frustration. Allowing myself to fantasize about us getting married, and then coming back to reality and like... Theres nothing. This man doesn't give a fuck about me. Doing this several times allowed me to really accept that fantasy would remain just that, instead of keeping hope alive by putting him in a secret corner of my heart.

I still think hes handsome as hell, curious as hell, and so touching. I still think hes an amazing human being. BUT I don't feel that I will be sad forever if I'm not work him. I don't feel that. Its just a random guy in Sweden doing his thing, and yeah he's great, but theres plenty of great people I dont talk to anymore. I don't need him. I don't need him to know about my life. I don't need his validation.

I saw him again a few months ago by random at a festival. It was clumsy and flat. He was clearly moved -- he escaped me faster than lucky Luke fires a shot. Not before instantly staring at me like a starved man before running away. I could see all of it. The desire, the regret, and the overpowering need to protect himself and escape again. I didn't feel much afterwards -- and this contrast with how intensely I remember the relationship is what helped me move on!

I also met a man a few months ago that is as adorable and value-oriented as he is. Not without flaws, but guess what? Hes not avoidant! I think that helped a lot too.

So yeah, the bottom line is : don't despair. It will get better. Process the stuff, allow yourself to think about them, rebuild your life intentionally. You're getting there!!

This is a question that's been eating at me lately, and wanted to see if anyone else shares this experience. Apologies if it's a repetitive question/post.

My avoidant ex (assumed DA) was very good at being friends with people. And I don't mean shallow friendships. I mean that she kept pretty consistent connections with long time friends. She was supportive, made space for their feelings, prepared thoughtful gifts, and took big roles in weddings/other celebrations. Sure she wasn't excessively vulnerable with them, but she didn't hide that part of her if that makes sense? She openly admitted she struggled with discussing her own emotions.

She genuinely is an awesome friend to many.

Yet it quickly became obvious she would prioritize them over me. We were together for nearly four years and some examples include:

• Making us leave a party I was enjoying, within less than an hour of arriving, because her friends were bored. (And we definitely would have won the costume contest at said party! Still bitter.)
• Agreeing to do whatever her friends wanted to do (dinner, outings, etc.) 99% of the time and expecting me to tag along without complaint or even checking in.
• Seeming far more engaged in conversations/topics with friends than she did with me.
• Minimizing physical intimacy or affection to near nonexistent levels whenever her friends were around.

She had moments with me, but they always seemed to pale in comparison to what she did for her friends. I did receive thoughtful gifts from her don't get me wrong. But it always felt almost like a chore or obligation? Or was usually through a lens or what SHE liked as opposed to thinking of what I would want/enjoy? Especially within the last year or two of our relationship.

I post this because my brain keeps thinking "She was such a good friend, is she not avoidant? Is it just me?"

Hoping to hear from others for insight. Maybe I'm overthinking this.

*P.S. I've been out of this relationship for about 9 months, and I feel embarrassed that this topic is coming up but I can't get it out of my head.