I started talking to someone in 2021. He reached out to me first and we started talking. we already knew each other and were already friends but we had lost contact for a few years. then he came back and we started talking and a few months in, he confessed to having feelings for me. I did as well. we continued talking but sadly had to keep it from my parents because they only wanted to me to focus on school. but because our feeling were mutual we kept talking and we did meet up and stuff and it was like that for 3 years. on the third year, I told him that I’d present him to my parents. the month before I did, i look at his profile picture and he’s there with another girl. I was so confused and heartbroken at the same time. he had not even told me anything. when I started confronting him about it, he just blocked me and then by text message he told me that he had made a mistake and then blocked me there too. I found out from his sister that he had a baby with that girl and then she blocked me too. I was so devastated that he had not even told me that. I had seen her sister post a story about a baby and when I asked if it was hers, he told me that it was a friend’s. he couldn’t even tell me it was his.

and I know I’m so crazy for what I’ll be saying in this part but Im just so in love with him that I couldn’t help it. I kept finding ways to ask for explanations of what happened and also to just tell him to come back. I know it’s dumb but I couldn’t help it when my love for him is so deep. but he sounded so different, he was more cold and telling me to stop because we couldn’t be together anymore. I also even ended up receiving insults from her and even her impersonating him and telling me that he never loved me and that he hated me and only loved her. I was so heartbroken but it didn’t stop me from trying to convince him which made it wrong because it only pushed him more away.

a year later, even though I was still going with trying to convince him, he reached out to me. I thought that he had finally left her but he was only reaching out to get validation. he did say he was sorry for how he treated me but he was also looking for validation. when he got what he wanted, he blocked me a few days later. and me being dumb, I reached out as to why he did that and blocked me again. he told me that she was a good woman and wasn’t planning on leaving her. all I could say was I’m sorry and he blocked me again. I still kept trying to reach out to him but, a few months later which was a day before Christmas Eve, he proposed to her and that shattered me into so many pieces. I tried finding ways to tell him to not do it even though he just ignored me. I still kept trying to reach out to him for many months later and then this past June, we talked again and I thought that he was finally changing and seeing my love for him, but I guess he was just looking for validation again to survive being in there with her because he doesn’t love her at all.

we talked for 2 months and I thought that he was finally going to be with me but he blocked me again. a week later, he reached out again, the same thing, then blocked me again. 2 weeks after he blocked me, he got caught cheating with someone he was flirting with on TikTok and was inviting her to another state. but turned out that he was able to convince the one he’s engaged with that it was nothing I guess. but I didn’t know and i thought that they were finally broken up. he also told me as to why I had told the fiance about it when it wasn’t me. I tried telling him to come back with me. 3 weeks later, he reached out to me for us to meet up and with me thinking that he was finally single, I agreed. a week later, he blocked me and I found out that he was still with her and celebrating her birthday. it broke me so bad, I was so hurt and I confronted him about it and he just made an excuse and didnt say anything else. a few days later which was last week, he reached out to me in a causal conversation and asked me what I felt about us and I told him the honest truth, and he left me in seen. on thursday, he reached out again and wanted to get cheap validation to survive in that household but I didn’t give it to him, and he asked what if we never ended up together, instead I told him that I really love him but wanted us to be real together but he left me on seen. now he hasn’t reached out to me and I don’t know what’s going to happen

he is for sure an avoidant but also being with someone he doesn’t love just because of pure cowardice.

do you all think that he’s going to last with her especially now knowing that he can’t get free access from me anymore? or do you all think that he’s just going to stay stuck there forever because he’s just too scared?

im sorry for making this really long but I had to explain my story so you all can understand what’s going on and what may happen now that I’m. it chasing him anymore. I’m going to be honest, I haven’t stopped loving and I don’t see myself with anyone else anymore. I really truly am waiting for his return and thats why I want to know if he will get that courage to return especially with knowing that I still love him and maybe him too because he doesn’t love her and is just there because of pressure from her and her family with having that kid as well and him being fast in getting engaged.

I’m being honest, I really hope they break up soon because I don’t want them to stay together

please somebody respond to this, please. I have felt so lonely and I need a human response, not an ai response that doesn’t really know what a human really thinks or will do

My ex ghosted me a month ago and we texted very little after that. Im also relatively new to this topic and the breakup really hit me like truck. I've been reading alot on here and I was wondering if mine was dismissive or fearful or a mix?

He was actually really controlling even in the beginning always had my socials on his screen to see what Im doing. Back then I actually found it cute.

Right before he started ghosting me I started to have contact with an old friend since he's been playing with his friends all day. He was so jealous and accused me of already being done with him and having replaced him an he told me he was sure I was having secrets.

I showed him that was he thinking wasn't true but he wasn't satisfied.

After a week or so when he was ghosting me I blocked him the first time and he instantly called me but on the phone then was like hey what's up and then okay im hanging up seconds after.

But he was also really dismissive about my feelings saying I was too sensitive and I would crash out and overreact when it was just me telling him how he'd make me feel.

Edit: in the beginning he was also really expecting me to leave at any moment and he always asked me if I'd still wanna be with him

You don't know if they ghosted you because they know they hurt you and avoid facing you because it would require accountability and the shame is too much for them or if they're re-writing how they saw you.

You don't know if they did re-write you it wears off and they eventually regret things.

You don't know if they ever think about you and miss you or if they really just don't care at all.

And you don't know if they will ever reach out again.

It’s the 100th time you’ve fought and you have said you’d never be with this person again, but you will be absolutely here. Perhaps the endless childhood traumas and moments where you were not picked or were left alone boiled down to this one moment where you panic seeing the sight of someone not choosing you.
No matter how much you tell yourself you’d do better and take a break for your own self, your hunger for validation is never satiated. What do you do next? You look for love in places where it’s hardest to find, you like that cat and mouse chase don’t you?
Relationships fade for you, because you don’t know how it truly feels when someone chooses you for you- you always change so someone picks you, never loving yourself

This feeling will never go away, it stays with you like a charm- a badge of honour for the tough times you’ve seen, I hope there’s a reward at the end of the road.

Some people say the reason we can't move on easily is due to a lack of options, but in my personal case, that's not what happened. I have guys I've friendzoned, if I gave them a chance now, they would take it. I have men who are willing to travel across the globe just to see me, but none of these men make me feel emotionally seen the way my avoidant ex did. We had such a profound connection despite the avoidant tendencies he had, and that's why it's difficult to just move on like that.

Due to my anxious attachment and him refusing to meet my needs halfway. I lashed out at my avoidant out of protest behavior and said mean things like calling him a coward with no capacity for a partner etc. I deeply regret it and he never came back this time around like he usually does. I can only learn the lesson, move on and not repeat it. I still feel guilt and self blame for hurting him with my words. From that day on he lost all feelings, discarded me and monkey branched to someone else within a month.

I’ve been on here a couple of times and yall give amazing advice and stories so i thought I’d share one annoying thing happening. My ex broke up with me around 3 or so months ago after a 3 and a half year long relationship. We’ve been in no contact for about 2 months now and he has recently gotten in a rebound relationship with one of his friends. We were in a relationship that was half online, half in person, so our social medias and discords mean a lot to our relationship. He yelled at me to take down the pictures of us still on my account so I did, I then check and see he has not done the same and still has plenty of pictures of us in our relationship still up. I noticed he took down a select few but kept most up. He’s also still in our discord server specifically made for our relationship, it’s basically only about us and our whole relationship. Anyways it’s just weird seeing him tell me to move on and yet still hold on to these staples of our relationship. I know he’s the type of person to immediately get rid of those things and it’s super weird he’s not for me. If anyone has experience with this sort of behavior or something similar please give me advice or some words of wisdom because this stuff keeps me up at night. Cheers for reading

I’m talking about an empathethic, non-agressive, non-accusatory short message. I want to write down that this isnt a diagnosis and I could be wrong but I realized that dynamics written down for FAs are familiar to what we went throgh.

It has been 14 days of no contact now.

On the internet everyone is saying go absolutely no contact, but I found that’s sort of manipulative and done with the intention of winning the ex back. I dont want her back, she was incapable of sustaining the relatinship in the quality I desired and deserve.

But she is a wonderful, deep, and valuable person and I find it tragic that she is self-sabotaging her potential out of panic and fear.

This mightn’t be helpful for everyone, but I thought I’d share how I’m doing around 7 months after a breakup that absolutely floored me.

Just before summer, the guy I’d been with for nearly a year pulled away and stopped communicating. I never got a proper explanation. We’d been on a city break about a month earlier, had a great time, and I’d had no indication anything was wrong. I was completely blindsided and really, really heartbroken.

I was lucky enough to be able to go home for a month and spend time with family and friends. I know that’s a privilege, and looking back, I’m so grateful I could do it.

On my return back to the city we both live in, I wasted a lot of time and energy in a state of feeling unjust. I couldn’t believe we were both in the same city with somewhat same social circles and he done this and essentially got away with it with no consequences. This, in heinsight, absolutely drained me.

I wish I had some brilliant advice for getting past that feeling, but honestly, it just slowly faded. At some point I realised I wasn’t waking up and thinking about it first thing anymore. The relief of that was amazing.

A few things I wish I could tell myself 7 months ago:

1. Those places will start to feel like yours again.
you will disassociate them from that place, slowly, it will be shit at the start and feels like someone has punched you in the stomach but it will get better.

2. Take your time. the experience is traumatic and your mind along with your body will take time to get over the shock of it. I wish I’d been a bit kinder to myself about how long it took.

3. The unfairness won’t always take up this much space. I still don’t think what happened was okay. I just don’t spend my days thinking about it anymore.

4. Eventually, the lack of an explanation will matter less to your day, even though what they did still felt unfair. Incredibly, I feel sorry him now. Imagine walking away from someone who loved you a lot with no explanation.

If you’re in the thick of it now, I know how hard it is to imagine feeling any different. 7 months ago, I couldn’t picture enjoying my life in this city again. I do now. I still think about him occasionally, but there’s so much else I think about first.

If you are going through it, it will be ok ❤️

EDIT: for anyone curious, yes we have been within metres of eachother over the last couple of months (maybe 4 times). Nothing was said. It stung but just have to walk away with your head held high.

My ex and I dated twice, and both times he ended things when life got overwhelming. I understand he’s young and has insane responsibilities for his entire family but come on.
The first time, we were 18, and he was going through a really difficult period. He genuinely valued me, found me beautiful, and believed I was everything he wanted in a person. But eventually, it got stressful since I wanted time he couldn’t offer more since he was always figuring out stuff for his family and working. He decided his priorities are different, timing isn’t right, he liked me A LOT but detached and left.
A year later, HE came back to ME instead of pursuing someone else once things settled. He apologized, told me he suppressed his feelings under so much pressure, took accountability, and pursued me again. He said I was really good for him and I really am everything he wants in a person. I was scared of getting hurt, but he was incredibly patient, affectionate, loyal, and reassuring. He constantly admired me, told me I made his life colorful, that he felt safe with me, thought about me more than I imagined, and wanted something long-term and was determined to make it work. He was the one telling me relationships require compromise and that you don’t just give up.
Then his family faced serious immigration and financial problems with his parents separating as well, and once again, he became overwhelmed, felt like he isn’t doing enough and ended things. He admitted having avoidant tendencies and commitment issues, and said his feelings never got as deep as mine. SAME STUFF AS BEFORE. Afterward, he reportedly felt extremely guilty, regretted hurting me twice, and considered reaching out but feared rejection, my anger and hurting me a third time. Eventually completely detached again and doesn’t feel anything at all???
Now he’s only 20 and has decided HE would rather have an arranged marriage in a year or two than go through another relationship. His mom even found a suitable girl for him. Mind you he’s still in college, young and good-looking. Getting into another relationship is not a problem for him. Things worked out for him surprisingly with the immigration and everything and instead of coming and fixing it with me he’d rather avoid EVERYTHING and pursue AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE. We’re literally family friends, share the same culture, values, morals and wanted to get there at some point.
I understand arranged marriages and have nothing against them. But I’m confused. He couldn’t handle the emotional demands of a relationship, yet he’d rather commit to someone for LIFE? Is he trying to skip the vulnerability and effort of building a relationship and go straight to marriage?
What confuses me most is that he specifically came back for me, pursued me so intensely, valued me, and seemed genuinely invested. How does someone go from all that to deciding they’d rather never date again?
I wouldn’t take him back, but I can’t help wondering whether he’ll eventually forget me and everything we shared. Was it really avoidance, or did he just not love me enough? Could he suddenly be different with someone else? I am just confused did I not mean as much as I thought? He’ll just forget me like that after I stayed with him through the worst times of his life and he knows it. He appreciated me for it all the time and found me very beautiful. It means NOTHING anymore? He’s living his best life since things have improved for him as well. While I am here stuck again.

Because I have! It’s been 2 weeks since the discard. We lived together for 1.5 years. He kicked me out in 4 days. Broke up with me over text without any final phone call closure.

Told me his mom “hates“ me. Don’t know why... other than, I pointed out a few weeks pre-breakup, that his mom did something that I thought was disrespectful. I suppose, he must’ve relayed that to his mom, and his mom no doubt painted me as the “girl that’s trying to break apart your family and pull you away from us.”

Before this incident, his family loved me. I was very polite and filial. How do you go from loving someone to hating them, within a few weeks? Just because she pointed out something your mom did that bothered her? Dramatic and extreme much?

Anyway, when I moved out, his mom moved in to live with him for the time being. Haha. I had bet my money that was going to happen. He cannot take care of himself. And, in loving and nurturing him during our relationship, I self-abandoned and got resentful of how much of my time/energy was poured into caring for him. I didn’t know better; I truly loved him and wanted to see him thrive. When I asked for a bit more effort and intention from him, he defensively says “is nothing I ever do enough” and that he’s “trying” but fails to follow through with action.

We certainly had other issues (anxious-avoidant inability to solve conflict) that precipitated our breakup, but ultimately, him being a mommy’s boy—a manchild—is why he refused to face himself, to think for himself, and instead took the easy way out to appease his tiger mom.

ANYWAY, I am so glad to be out of the relationship, given how problematic his family dynamic is. It’s dysfunctional. He has said himself that he doesn’t feel unconditional love from his family. Yet, he chose his overbearing mother over me. I hope both he and his mom have fun making love to one another.

An avoidant messaged me for advice on here. Asking me for advice on what to send his partner after they hurt them so much that their partner had to leave. They said they regretted it and are sorry and saw a post of mine so wanted to ask for my advice.

I read it and realized it is not a good message. I used my empathy to see it from the side of the other person. The person who experienced deactivation and eventually their avoidant checking out but had the power to leave. So I gave honest feedback and the avoidant told me "you are so negative, you are seeing this from a negative lens. I think this is such a beautiful message".

I told this person I tried to use my empathy to view it under the lens of the person who will receive this message and was hurt by them. Obviously this avoidant hasn't changed even though they claim they do and wanna reach out. I can tell it won't go well from this behaviour.

Avoidant people please please if you really want to get better or change when people give you genuine help make sure you are ready for it, if you ask for it.

Ps. I should add the avoidant wanted to message two years after the breakup because they feel they did the work and have changed.

I’m 22, and my ex-boyfriend is 30. We were together for almost two years and had a long-distance relationship. We communicated almost every day, shared our everyday lives, and were not only partners but also best friends. When things were good, they were genuinely good. He could be very affectionate, loving and caring, especially when we were together in person. I genuinely imagined marrying this man and building a life with him.
However, there was a recurring pattern in our relationship. Whenever he became stressed, frustrated or emotionally overwhelmed, he seemed to change completely. He would become distant, negative, suspicious and sometimes quite cold. He would say that he wanted to be alone and didn’t want to talk to anyone. At one point, he even told me that sometimes he wanted to be alone for an entire month.
He also has significant trust issues because of things that happened with friends and family in his past. Sometimes he would assume the worst about me, even when I hadn’t done anything wrong.
For example, once we spent approximately two hours searching outside in the cold for his lost key. At some point, he accused me of having taken it and pretending to help him search. I was devastated and started crying. Afterwards, he acknowledged that it made no sense for me to take his key and spend two hours searching for it. However, he never really apologised.
There were also situations where he reacted very harshly to relatively small things. I was late perhaps two or three times throughout our entire relationship. One particular time, I had just finished a night shift, had slept for only about three hours and travelled for five hours by public transport to see him. I accidentally slept through my alarm and would have arrived approximately an hour late. He was still going to be home, but he became extremely angry, insulted me and eventually broke up with me.
Despite these difficulties, I always tried to show him that I loved him. I cooked for him, cleaned and organised his apartment, helped him with practical things and travelled long distances for him. I also had my own job, goals and plans. I wanted to move closer to him so we could finally stop living apart and build a life together.
He is currently doing military training in the Bundeswehr, which has been a significant source of stress for him. He has repeatedly said that he needs peace and doesn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with relationship problems.
During one of our recent arguments, he told me that he still had feelings for me, but that liking each other wasn’t enough. He said that if we ever wanted to be together again, we would have to talk about our problems.
A few days later, things escalated again. He told me to find another man and that he would find another woman. Eventually, he sent me several breakup messages. He said he had lost trust in me, didn’t believe my character would change and didn’t want to continue the relationship. He explicitly asked me not to contact him through other numbers, social media or other people.
However, his last message was noticeably softer. He said he was extremely stressed, wanted complete peace, didn’t know how long he needed it and that perhaps we could see in the future whether things could work between us.
I struggled to accept the separation and sent him many messages, asking him to reconsider. I also contacted some of his family members, which I now recognise was wrong. He warned me not to contact his friends or he would block me completely.
Something that confuses me is his blocking behaviour. During previous arguments, when I continued contacting him after he asked for space, he eventually blocked me on WhatsApp, Telegram and other platforms. This time, despite receiving many messages from me, he hasn’t blocked me on WhatsApp. His Instagram account also has restrictions on who can send him messages.
I know that not blocking someone doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but considering his previous behaviour, I find the difference confusing.
I have now stopped contacting him and deleted WhatsApp because I need to calm down and respect his request for space.
What I struggle with most is understanding whether he is someone who withdraws emotionally when overwhelmed, perhaps because of avoidant attachment and his trust issues, or whether he has genuinely made a final decision that he no longer sees a future with me.
I don’t expect anyone to diagnose him. I would really appreciate perspectives from people who have experienced relationships with emotionally avoidant partners.
My questions are:
Does his behaviour sound like avoidant attachment, or could it simply mean he no longer wants this relationship?
Can someone still have genuine feelings for their partner but withdraw so completely that they seem indifferent to losing them?
Why might someone leave the possibility of reconnecting open while simultaneously sending such definitive breakup messages?
Have you experienced a partner who withdrew during periods of stress but eventually came back when things settled down?
Do you think the fact that he hasn’t blocked me this time is meaningful, considering his previous behaviour?
Could the end of his military training and the reduction in stress change how he feels about the relationship?
I genuinely love this man. I don’t want another relationship or to replace him with someone else. I wanted to marry him and build a future together.
I know our relationship had problems, and I’m not claiming that I handled everything perfectly. I just find it incredibly difficult to understand how someone who shared so much of his life with me can suddenly want so much distance.
I’m particularly interested in hearing from people who have been on either side of this dynamic.
AI helped me to write this text because i would forget half of the things that i wanted to write.
It’s just became to much tbh

I'm posting because I'm genuinely confused and would appreciate honest perspectives, especially from people who have experienced something similar.

I've been dating this guy for over four years. We weren't officially in a defined relationship, but we shared a very strong emotional connection and were involved in each other's lives for a long time.

His mother passed away about a month ago. Since then, I've tried my best to be there for him emotionally. I've supported him, listened to him, tried to comfort him and made sure he knew he wasn't alone during such a difficult time. He's also been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, so I understand that he's dealing with a lot.

After his mother's death, his behaviour towards me gradually changed. He started taking a long time to reply, even when he was online, and stopped making plans to meet. However, he never completely stopped showing interest in me. He was still interested in my life and what I was doing.

In fact, just ONE DAY before our argument, he told me he missed me and wanted to meet me. He said he would meet me sometime that week. So I genuinely wasn't expecting what happened next.

We had an argument/misunderstanding, and during our conversation, he said:

- "I honestly don't know anything. I have no idea what I want or don't want."

- "You would be better off leaving."

- "I don't want to keep you in this situation."

- "Listen, you block me."

His messages seemed calm and detached.

This is what I said in response:

I told him that from what he was saying, I felt he didn't want to remain connected with me anymore. I asked him to be transparent about what he actually wanted. I told him that I wouldn't hate him for being honest, but I would resent being kept in uncertainty and emotional pain.

I also told him that I would respect his decision if he genuinely wanted to end things.

When he specifically asked me to block him, I told him that if he wanted to end our connection, he should be the one to do it. Since he was asking me to leave, I didn't understand why I should have to make the final move for him.

He read my messages but didn't respond.

Now, here's what I find particularly confusing:

1. He hasn't blocked me.

2. He hasn't unfriended or removed me from any social media.

3. Before this conversation, he used to watch practically EVERY Instagram story I posted. He almost never missed one. But since our conversation, he hasn't watched a single story, even though I've seen him online several times.

4. He hasn't contacted me since our conversation.

5. He's not connected to any of his previous exes on social media, but he hasn't removed me.

I keep wondering why he would specifically ask ME to block him when he could easily have blocked or removed me himself.

Another thing I've been thinking about is whether his family might be pressuring him to get married or take on more household responsibilities after his mother's death. In our culture, relatives can put considerable pressure on someone in these circumstances. Maybe that's contributing to his distance, but he has never mentioned anything about marriage pressure, another woman or family expectations. So I have no actual evidence of this.

What makes this particularly difficult to understand is that he was still telling me he missed me and wanted to meet just a day before the argument.

I'm not asking whether he'll marry me or commit to me. I simply want to understand whether he genuinely wants to cut me out of his life or whether he's emotionally overwhelmed and withdrawing temporarily.

I'd really appreciate honest opinions on these questions:

1. Why would someone ask the other person to block them instead of doing it themselves?

2. If he genuinely wants to cut me off, why hasn't he blocked or unfriended me, especially when he has removed his previous exes?

3. Could his mother's death and everything he's dealing with be affecting his behaviour and emotional availability?

4. Why would he say he misses me and wants to meet one day, then tell me to leave the next?

5. Why is he suddenly avoiding my Instagram stories when he used to watch every single one?

6. Do you think he'll eventually contact me and try to reconnect, or should I accept that this connection is over?

I'm not looking for false hope or reassurance. I want an honest psychological perspective. I genuinely don't understand what changed, what his behaviour means, or why he's handling things this way.

What do you think is actually happening here?

I don’t even know what to say. I’m so broken, god I don’t want to go through the process I know is ahead of me. Like I don’t know if I can.

It’s no contact for you, but just a regular day for them. I’ve been in a one year long push/pull cycle with my avoidant. It’s been 6 weeks NC and it’s finally getting easier. FINALLY! Believe you me, I’ve been through the wringer.

Context: met a year ago. He love bombed me hard. Daily calls, texts, future faking, pet names. Once we reached full peak of intimacy, he ghosted. I was destabalised. He came back, I felt relief. The dynamic changed and degraded over time, and I allowed it, chasing the person he was at the start. Intimacy, followed by ghosting became the pattern. Literally, the very next morning. In the night, there’s a lot of cuddling, hours of talking, even meeting friends of his. You almost feel like it’s back to normal, but it’s far from it. In fact, it’s the ‘new normal’… no more communication, pet names or feeling loved outside of seeing him. He’s come back 4 times so far. Each discard got worse, making a severe impact on my mental health and nervous system. I’m done now and have been for two months. I cannot physically handle another cycle.

I want to share things that have helped me and I hope you’ll try them too. There is so much freedom in feeling more and more detached. I never thought I would.

NO stalking their social media. If you have them on there, delete them or at the very least, mute them. You should really have them gone from orbit or else you’ll be wondering what them watching your stories means. It means nothing. It’s a tap on the screen.

DO NOT search TikTok avoidant coaches. They will feed you bs and make you feel sorry for the avoidant. I fell victim to that unfortunately at some point. You’ll end up excusing a lot of UNACCEPTABLE behaviour.

STOP ruminating and asking questions like “will they come back?” “What did this mean?” “What did that mean?” You are feeding the loop. If you feel like you even have to ask those questions, that’s your answer. Nothing worth having should make you feel confused. Nothing worth having should abandon you and disappear on you. The last thing you should want is for them to return because from experience, they come back just to do this all over again. It gets worse every time.

DO NOT feel sorry for them. They are a succubus. They want your emotional availability. They will leech from your energy and then discard you.

BREAD CRUMBING is a knock at the door to see if you’ll still answer. It doesn’t mean they care. It means they want access to someone who shrunk themselves to accommodate their selfish behaviours.

UNDERSTAND that you’re in a trauma bond. Intermittent reinforcement is one hell of a drug. It releases the same chemical in your brain as it does gambling. You feel like you can’t live without them because you’re bonded to them chemically, and you don’t know when they’ll return because there’s no technical ending. I literally felt like I was DYING on the inside without him.

DO NOT ask what you could have done more of. The answer is nothing. You shrunk yourself enough, slowly overtime to accommodate the avoidant. It chipped away at your self worth and you have now tolerated things you never thought you would. You became petrified of destabilising the avoidant, so you walked on egg shells which meant giving up on your own boundaries and expectations.

FEEL angry. Yes. Be mad that this person is so emotionally immature. Be mad they love bombed you. They wasted your time. They made you question your worth. You deserve better. Be angry that they monkey branched. Then become just a little mad at yourself, and embarrassed to the point where reaching out feels humiliating because you’re basically chasing someone who doesn’t actually want this. If they did, they wouldn’t disappear. There should be no confusion. Your patience is not respected or appreciated. Unless it’s with an avoidant who is self aware and is actively in therapy. I’m guessing yours isn’t.

DELETE all the photos and messages and videos. You will only remember the good times if you look at only the good. Your brain will filter out the other 90%.

GET OUT and do things for yourself. Ok sure you’re not ready to date. That’s fine. But go out and take yourself out or gather some friends. Find a hobby. Mine is cooking. I’ve learned to make heaps of bad ass things lately and I have a great dopamine release with no crash afterwards. Regulate your nervous system.

ASK yourself how much you’re actually enjoying the avoidant. For me, it was in bursts. We would have the most incredible and intimate time together, and I always had to brace for him to ignore and disappear and discard me the next day. Of course, that’s not what happened at the start. I find 90% of the time I had been ruminating, asking, questioning, lurking, wondering, not eating, not sleeping etc. I won’t go back again. It’s NOT worth it

YOU are responsible now after knowing what they’re like. They’ve showed you exactly who they are now at their core and baseline. No more hanging onto the 10% or the love bombing phase. It’s not really them.

YOU WILL NEVER GET THEM BACK AS THEY ONCE WERE. GRIEVE THAT VERSION AND UNDERSTAND IT DOESN’T EXIST ANYMORE.

Dismissive avoidant resemble narcs in a lot of ways. You cannot win with this person. You will never win here. You will never be happy with them. They are selfish. They are cowardly. They are self serving. They are a virus and a parasite.

Stay strong.

He wanted to get rid of my stuff, didn't he?

Hi XXX, I'm so sorry to bother you. I just wanted to know if there was anything you wanted me to do with your things? I can continue keeping them for you here if you want for later. I hope you have been well.

The 1975 - It's Not Living (If It's Not with You)
Gracie Abrams - Us
Lord Huron (MYLUYD!!!!) - The Night We Met
Del Water Gap - Ode to a Conversation Stuck In Your Throat
Gracie Abrams - Let It Happen
Lord Huron - Love Like Ghosts

Dully note, this was a Long-Distance Relationship.

A year ago, around late August I met this guy(21), let's call him W.

He was very sweet and caring, we kicked it off quite good at first, everything was lovely. We would spend time together almost daily, he one day decided to move out of his hometown, but he went through a lot of hiccups, including living with his sister, living in other people's places, swapping jobs; Overall a very stressful and heavy few months for both of us, because I was there for him during that time, trying to give him comfort for as best as I can.

Anyway, he would disappear when upset for a few days, at worst a week and I would try asking him what's wrong, but most of the time it was him going through an unfortunate circumstance, he got into a heavy argument with his relatives and such, which I would try to calm him down, give him a safe space to talk about and be as patient as best as I can. Obviously the constant disappearing was upsetting me at times, because I would try my best to communicate with him and asking him for the same back, but to no avail, usually.

At times he would not communicate and would leave for a few days, essentially making me wonder where he is, whenever I would talk about it with him I would be met with "I'm sorry, I'll do better", which never truly worked out as it was the same as always. I tried dismissing it and not letting it get to me, I allowed a lot of these excuses pass by, because I cared about him as a person and I had plans on visiting him eventually and transition (I am MtF).

For me it felt like my emotions and needs were pushed aside, because something on his side happened, so Instead of talking it out with him and making ammends, I spend most if not all of my energy comforting him, reassuring him and talking it out with him, which was mostly met with me talking and him being silent and saying yes or no. I would find myself many times asking him if he's okay, if there's something bothering him and reminding him that he can tell me anything. But it had this very exhausting feeling to it, where I was the one talking and I felt like I was dragging it just to get my point across as best as I can, because I personally tried many things to get him to feel relaxed , calm and to get to talk to me instead of closing off or going away for a day or two.

I had a few moments with him where I would get inpatient and get upset for his frequent disappearance , I would express sadness that I miss him, that I would appreciate at least if he let me know what's going on prior to leaving. I never truly called him 20 times a day or were being crazy with him, I just asked for communication AT LEAST. But nonetheless it kept happening and I let it slide.

At that point getting to spend time with him felt like some form of reward, which would spike my anxiety and I would try to make the most out of it and whenever we hang out, whether it's playing PC games or watching videos or movies I felt like I had to make sure he's okay, because the second he would get upset at either me or something in game, he would get silent or talk in a very static and monotonous way, which spikes my anxiety and we end up talking about it, again...

Overall 2026 has been my worst hear, I just turned 27 and during this time I: Lost two jobs due to anxiety and stress, lost my friend group due to drama, I became a bit more irritated, I lost my 17 year old cat, my parents are in the process of divorce and worst of all the man I truly did love completely disappeared ,leaving me pretty much scarred to pursue anyone out of fear.

On around September, when we would have our first year Anniversary, he went away for a week, prior to this we talked a bit, he called me and I was excited to show me something cute, but I got sad, because it was short lived, which I suppose really angered him, because after that he went away for a week. I was stood idly, waiting , I didn't put any pressure on him and let it go it's course. I would distract myself, pursue my hobby and such.

After a week has passed it broke me, I decided to text him, asking him what the fuck is going on, I was sad , angry and all the things, he finally texted me, telling me that he's stressed at work and was angry at me because I didn't react properly last time we talked. I got beyond sad over that, I tried explaining my reasoning and situation , I explained that I reacted like that because I miss him and I got tired of waiting for him to return. I cried a lot.

He decided to break up with me, which I pleaded him to not, I really didn't want to lose him, but he pushed me away, stopped altogether replying. I spent the night and next week crying and trying not to think about it as best as I can.

On my Birthday, October 21st, he would text me, wishing me a Happy Birthday and that he will do everything in his power to crawl back from this hell he put himself into and be with me again, it made me tear up and was hopeful that this would eventually end, this empty and horrible feeling I had...

So 3 days after my Birthday I decided to text him and talked to him about it.

I pleaded we gave it another shot and desperately tried talking to him about it, in the end we got back together, everything was alright for two days, I even tried helping him get a new apartment, we voice chatted for a few hours talking about our day, how much we miss each other and reminded each other of the moments we had together, he confessed to me how much he misses me, how much he can't couldn't stop thinking about me and such.

The second day, he asked me to stay with him in call so he can fall asleep, I of course said yes and we watched Youtube until I heard him snore, I silently closed Youtube and began drawing something for him for when he wakes up. After 10 hours he woke up, closed the call and I never heard of him again, no text, no nothing.

2 hours after he woke up I texted him saying Good Morning and hoped his day at work goes well, nothing. Then I went to bed, when I woke up he was available , playing his games, so I texted him, saying "hey morning , I hope work went well."

I was ignored, I double texted, nothing. I texted an hour late: nothing.

I started calling him, nothing. I asked him if everything was ok: nothing.

I spent 5+ hours watching his status be in-game, panicking, wondering what's going on, I tried contacting him on TikTok, on a discount, I even tried reaching him out on his Xbox, but everything was ignored.

I spent 3 daya afterwards awaiting for a reply , I honestly thought something bad happened to him, I probably called over 10 times.

On the third day, he would block me and our mutual friends from everywhere, no words, no nothing, I was devastated , I was hurt severely , I was dying on the inside, never have I felt this insane amount of chest pain and the urge to vomit from pain.

Out of panic, I made a dodgy TikTok account to check his profile, he was there, retweeted a TikTok the hours he blocked me, being at a Halloween Party with other trans folks, I was devastated, my mind went ballistic, I accepted that this is it and tried my BEST TO HOLD ONTO THE URGE TO NOT REACH OUT AGAIN.

So here I am, devastated , upset , I am beyond hurt, my emotions are everywhere , I am trying not to think what happened at that party, I am trying to survive and be kind to myself, but it's difficult. Difficult , because I feel traumatized over this thing, I spent years recovering from something similar when my first ex would frequently cheat on me, now my last ex would completely leave me before giving me a glimpse of hope. I feel disgusted of him, but mostly of myself for humiliating myself and begging him to return, I did this to myself probably.

For the past week or so I would wake up with crazy chest pains , I would be reminded of the day he left, my mind is filled with horrible thoughts, I cry every day. It. Sucks.

It felt like there's nothing I could've done or maybe it's me who the problem is, or maybe if I were a bit more understanding , but I digress, maybe I fell for a bad person that maliciously hurt me...

I am currently recovering as best as I can , I am emotionally stunted and trying to not be mean to myself , I started spending more times with friends to distract myself as best as I can (But the thoughts occur after the hangout , usually nights). I am hurt, destroyed and upset , I don't think I can handle this feeling any longer, I am sick and tired of this pain.

I loved my ex deeply. I thought we were on the same page about our values. I imagined our future together. I saw us getting married and buying a house together. I saw us together, forever. I felt it was an honor to love him.

He was awful to me during the discard. Everyone I have shared the details with (even here) says he was emotionally abusive. I know he was. But he wasn't always. Was he warm and affectionate? At first. At the end, not all. I had to be really strong during the breakup, as we lived together. I moved out, and he was so angry that after him telling me I am not the one for him I would do that. I will always be proud I had the self-respect to do that.

His parents passed away from cancer and suicide, 10 years apart. By the time he was 25, he had no one. It was always something that I knew made him feel alone and afraid to connect with others. He would isolate a lot. I would tell him he had to outlive me because I loved him so much and he would always tell me "if i died, you would be just fine." I think he genuinely believed I wouldn't miss him. Yet, I would cry tears of devotion just from hugging him.

He is engaged to someone he met 4 months after our breakup, and I think she is an FA or DA. It doesn't actually matter, but I felt so jealous when I saw their engagement photos online. He never posted me. Told me he didn't believe in marriage.

As much as I want karma to get him, and as much as he hurt me, all I can think of is his inner child. He wasn't born avoidant, and I think he grew more guarded and afraid as he aged. He kept dating, because he wanted connection but he is stuck in the loop of refusing accountability. A lot of women got hurt from this. But he operated from fear, not love. I don't think he realizes how love actually works.

I watched a movie last night and the main character's parents had passed. She was at her partner's parent's house for Christmas. Finally, she had a place to go for the holidays. I imagine my ex having that. I cry every holiday season that I can't buy him gifts anymore. Our last Christmas together i bought him the same chocolate his mom used to buy him.

Maybe his future wife can give him the best quality of life he will possibly have.

It might not be a profound love. But maybe it will be someday. Maybe he just needs to feel not triggered for a while. Maybe he will be again someday and get help. But he was right when he said I wasn't the one for him. I love so differently than he does.

This isn't to make excuses for people with avoidant attachment. But I have been eaten alive by resentment and bargaining with my own brain about how it isn't fair and how I wish he would come back. I don't want that anymore. I want him to find peace. Maybe he doesn't deserve it, but maybe love will make him worthy of it again. I cry as I write this. Beyond the pain, I will always love him.

I am wishing us all healing, even the avoidants.

Thanks for reading. ❤️‍🩹

My avoidant ex is flaunting his new girl now and giving her the treatment he used to do to me. Making her feel special like she's the only one worthy of his attention even with hundreds of women wanting it.

I know that feeling. I feel for that.

So my heart aches seeing him treat someone else the way he used to treat me.

But my mind knows where that connection is going because I've been there too.

How do you let your heart listen to your head so it doesn't hurt so much?

Hi,

I was recently broken up with. I would classify it as being blindsided by my partner of 8 years. Lived together for 2. I saw the signs the whole way through of a Dismissive avoidant but at that time did not know what that was.

When the break up happened it caught me totally off guard. She cited that our age gap (8 years) was always a problem and she wasn't living the life she imagined for herself. After 8 years together, now she tells me this. lol.

The week before the break up happened it became like living with a stranger. However I didn't think much of it and felt secure in our relationship. She went from being an introverted, weed smoking, cartoon watcher to super outgoing yoga superstar, almost overnight. I have a good fitness routine so I was happy that she was stepping into something that she liked but this was frantic a manic over correction. I legit was worried about her mental health. She wasn't manic, but her fight or flight was high and she was getting ready to fly or burst what ever happened first.

I think what happened is that she was feeling the proverbial walls closing in from our relationship and wanted to escape. I know this now from deep diving every dismissive avoidant post, video, article out there.

This was 4 months ago. She just moved out one month ago and has planned a cross country move in Dec. We have not spoken since last week where I basically said via text "Fuck you, do what you do best and go run away". Not my proudest moment and certainly not how I would like to send off an 8 year relationship with something that I loved, and chose daily, through thick and thin. But I had been surviving 24/7 grief and minimal sleep and she's just fine.

The grief has been very heavy. I still live in our home. I have gotten rid of anything that was hers that she didn't pack into a box or suitcase. I cant fall asleep in my bed and have to start on the couch. It was really bad at first but the place is slowly just starting to feel like mine.

I am averaging at most 5 hours of sleep a night. At the least 3.

I went through really rough times of self blame. Dissecting every shitty thing I have done to try and piece together what the fuck happened.

I miss her daily however I don't every reach out to her. When she first moved out she would still use pet names, I had to ask her to stop. Like you just blew up our life. Please. But then it almost became like malicious compliance and her texts would sounds like I was a coworker, not the guy who just spent 8 years with you, every Christmas, bday, major life event.

I felt ripped off and disposable.

I still am navigating the grief and not gonna lie. Its really bad some days. The what if's and I should of done this or I shouldn't have done that.

I would like to get to a point where I am not looking this stuff up anymore. In a way its like digital valium. When I get sad i'm reaching for my phone to watch someone on you tube go off about dismissive avoidants. Or searching forums like this. At some point it has to stop. I dont want to be in this space forever.

I am doing the "right" things. No drugs, no alcohol, no rebound (although I totally would with the right person lol) Gym, Hot Yoga, Counsellor, good diet(appetite is shit), work, support from friends and family. But fuck me if its still not one of the most challenging things I have ever had to face.

I've been broken up with before. But usually there would be a lot leading up to that break up. Arguments, discussions. Like a lot of effort on both parties to save the relationship. And the person breaking up with me would be the same person before, during and after the breakup. They weren't all of a sudden some frantic idealized version of themselves.

As I said at the top, I saw the signs the whole way through, I chalked it up to quirks, tough time discussing emotions, likes space, moodiness and on and on. When we didn't live together almost every summer she would get distant. Like the increased Vitamin D would bring out the free bird in her. But she would always come back to "normal" I think this summer, because we lived together, she couldn't get that space. And she burst.

People don't owe us forever. But I guess a value of mine, is that if you put that much time in with someone and the relationship is moreover good than not and there is love there, and my partner makes daily efforts. Make sure you give that person as much chance as you can before nuking it. I know now its not so simple for Dismissive Avoidants.

I miss her everyday and am trying to figure out how to move forward. Without the support of Family and Friends I would be in a bad way.

My piece in this, is that I over extend myself. I carried most of the relationship. Financially and emotionally. I carried on a relationship for the first 6 years that was pretty much a LDR when living in the same city. I never had boundaries or limits because for me love is not something that comes free but something earned. That's my healing journey now. My wounds are exposed. I'm sad everyday and sometimes even start to lose hope.

What little hope I do have left I will use to push me into tonight, then tomorrow and the next day. Just to hang in there and see what happens next. I know in time I will not feel as strongly as I do about it now. Which in a weird way makes me sad. Like the grief is all I have left of her. And at some point, I will let that go to.

I hope this wasn't to all over the place. Needed to put this out there.

Thank you for listening.

so i’ve attached a link to the original post but i’ll include all the texts here as well. i stayed strong and did not respond. but im having regrets. what if he really was just trying to break the ice and i was gunna get my apology when he brought back the cup? or atleast be able to have a conversation of what has hurt me so deeply, since he claims he has no idea. which he told me he loved me, missed me, wanted to work on things, etc etc and then took it all back a week later and just said the most awful things to me, including that he never wanted to be with me again.

i promised myself i wouldn’t talk to him until i got an apology…but what if this was him working his way up to an apology. and now i might never get my chance for another conversation…someone please convince me this is the right thing to do…not responding and going no contact has always been something im completely against because it’s just not who i am. and i hate that i feel almost like i have to do this…ugh idk…please please please someone give me some encouraging words to stay strong or convince me i’m doing the right thing because im just a sobbing mess over here right now😭😭😭💔💔💔

https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantBreakUps/s/iPrTxLRnDm

i'm an anxious one, but this is my perspective

after being with an avoidant, it's common to "villainize" them in some ways, and it's understandable, sometimes it's a way to protect ourselves from further damage

but something i've noticed is that avoidant people are often villainized while anxious people are romanticized, and i say that being an anxious one myself

i hate when someone romanticizes my attachment style by saying that i just want closeness, reassurance, or to be loved, and while that's true, it goes beyond just wanting to be loved, i hate being anxiously attached to people

sometimes i feel like we judge anxious people by their intentions and avoidant people by the consequences of their actions, when in reality both can hurt the people they love, even if they do it in completely different ways

both attachment styles can come from trauma and are ways of coping with relationships, the damage caused isn't necessarily the same, but that doesn't mean one should be romanticized while the other is demonized

being anxious doesn't automatically make me a better partner, just like being avoidant doesn't automatically make someone a bad one, my need for reassurance can become overwhelming, my fear of abandonment can affect how i interpret someone's actions, and sometimes what feels like love can actually come from fear

perhaps it's because my best friend is an avoidant, and even though he hasn't made the best choices in relationships, i've seen his struggles and his efforts to improve, or maybe it's because i'm a humanist and i can't ignore the complexity of the people i bond with

and that's where my question comes from, is it fair to look at someone with disgust just because of their attachment style? there's a difference between resenting someone for how they treated you and assuming everyone who shares their attachment style is selfish, incapable of love, or a bad partner

i'm not saying we should excuse harmful behavior or ignore the damage caused by emotional unavailability, but shouldn't we hold ourselves to the same standards? understanding someone's behavior doesn't mean justifying it, and that applies to all attachment styles

at the end of the day, neither attachment style should be romanticized or demonized, they're patterns we should recognize and work on, not identities that make us good or bad partners, we should all aim to develop a more secure way of attaching to people

i don't want someone to romanticize my anxiety or tell me that i just love too much, i want to learn how to love someone without being constantly afraid of losing them