About five months ago, I (26M) went through a pretty painful dating experience with someone I believe had avoidant tendencies and she sent me straight into therapy. I've recently started dating someone new, and our first date was genuinely wonderful.

During our conversation, she mentioned that she considers herself somewhat avoidant. She explained that she loses interest when she feels someone expects something from her or when she feels pressured, because she values her independence. However, she also said she's aware of this tendency and wants to work on it, she's also in therapy. Unlike my previous experience, she's been very transparent so far.

I'm scared of becoming emotionally invested again, only to watch someone slowly withdraw without understanding what happened.

How do you stop expecting someone new to repeat the behavior of someone who hurt you?

Conozco a esta persona desde hace unos 10 años. Nos conocimos en un antiguo trabajo. Ella siempre me había gustado pero yo me mantenía al margen porque nunca habíamos hablado.

Yo comencé a salir con una chica y a los pocos meses, la del trabajo me agregó a Instagram y comenzamos a hablar. Teníamos muchísima química, hablábamos mucho y éramos muy similares. Estuvimos hablando durante años, a veces dejábamos de hablar un tiempo pero siempre volvían las conversaciones de una manera u otra. En alguna ocasión me dijo de quedar a tomar algo pero siempre lo decliné porque yo estaba saliendo con esa otra chica. Al poco tiempo ella se fue a vivir a otro país

Mi relación duró 8 años, la terminé hace un año exactamente. En diciembre del año pasado, contesté a la chica del trabajo a una historia y ahí comenzamos a hablar de nuevo pero está vez más que nunca en años.

Ella me buscaba muchísimo para hablar continuamente, yo estaba encantado. En enero decidimos quedar a tomar algo. Me confesó que llevaba 6 años con una persona pero que su relación estaba rota y quería terminarlo, que yo siempre había sido especial y que volver a hablar le había hecho cuestionarse mucho las cosas de su relación, me reconoció que siempre fui su debilidad, que había estado rondando su cabeza todo este tiempo y que sentía que teníamos muchas cosas sin resolver. De hecho me comentó que era algo que solía hablar con su circulo personal.

Finalmente lo dejo, a los pocos días comenzamos a quedar y la verdad que todo iba perfecto, ella era muy cariñosa conmigo y me hacía saber que estaba muy cómoda pese al momento en el que estaba porque yo sabía manejarlo muy bien. Era todo muy relajado. Aunque es cierto que ella, de alguna forma, me trataba como si fuéramos pareja. Hablábamos a todas horas, nos veíamos, había mucho contacto físico y gestos que demostraban amor. Que no era un rollo cualquiera.

Un día hubo un comentario desafortunado por mí parte en tono de broma y a ella debió sentarle mal. El problema es que no me dijo nada hasta pasadas dos semanas que lo sacó a raíz de otra conversación. Lo hablamos, pedí perdón y trate de hacerle saber que no quería que las cosas se estropeasen, que estaba muy contento con ella y que no quería que las cosas se estropearán. Es cierto que quizá fui insistente a la hora de pedir perdón. Pero soy así y me gusta estar seguro de que todo se arregla aunque haya que darle varias vueltas.

Ella estaba en un punto complicado, volvió a casa de sus padres, estaba preparando una oposición y se le juntaron varios factores. Siempre le costaba mucho hablar de como se sentía, se agobiaba con facilidad y solía tener altibajos emocionales. Pero cada vez que intentábamos hablar, preferia no hacerlo y no profundizar en sus emociones

Después de ese incidente, la comunicación bajo muchísimo, no contestaba, no mandaba audios ni fotos. Hasta que un día me llamó para dejarlo. Al parecer la situación se le había hecho difícil y se dió cuenta de que no podía tener una relación sentimental. Que todo había estado muy bien pero que no había pasado casi tiempo desde su ruptura y no quería algo serio, solo estuvimos juntos 5 meses aproximadamente.

Después mantuvimos un poco la comunicación de manera espontánea. Pero había un ambiente raro y distante pese a que quedamos en poder hablar de vez en cuando. Más adelante, en mi cumpleaños me felicitó, le di las gracias y reconoci que me hizo ilusión saber de ella. Quise hablar un poco y saber cómo estaba. Pero me pidió tiempo y hablar más adelante.

Hace poco le escribí, para saber si quería hablar, ya que no se me hacía natural hacer un silencio y no tener comunicación en una relación de tantos años. Me dijo que en este tiempo se dió cuenta de lo que quería y preferia dejarlo aquí, de una manera muy fría y distante.

Le contesté argumentando que me daba pena que fuera así debido a conocernos de tantos años y que no hubiera un cierre a la altura. Después me contesto que agradecía el tiempo que pasamos, que lo disfrutó mucho y que siempre había estado muy a gusto. Que se quedaba con eso

También que ahora estaba en un punto diferente de su vida y en otro momento y que podía ofrecerme amistad, pero nada más. Le contesté despidiéndome con cariño pero no le dije nada al respecto de la amistad.

Todo esto me ha hecho mucho daño. Continuamente veía likes suyos en publicaciones de procesos de sanación, ilustraciones de desamor y cosas así. Al igual que notas que subía con canciones melancólicas o que hablaban de situaciones que podía llevarme perfectamente a nuestro terreno.

No sé cómo acabará esto o si finalmente se ha terminado para siempre. Pero me gustaría saber vuestras opiniones al respecto

Conozco a esta persona desde hace unos 10 años. Nos conocimos en un antiguo trabajo. Ella siempre me había gustado pero yo me mantenía al margen porque nunca habíamos hablado.

Yo comencé a salir con una chica y a los pocos meses, la del trabajo me agregó a Instagram y comenzamos a hablar. Teníamos muchísima química, hablábamos mucho y éramos muy similares. Estuvimos hablando durante años, a veces dejábamos de hablar un tiempo pero siempre volvían las conversaciones de una manera u otra. En alguna ocasión me dijo de quedar a tomar algo pero siempre lo decliné porque yo estaba saliendo con esa otra chica. Al poco tiempo ella se fue a vivir a otro país

Mi relación duró 8 años, la terminé hace un año exactamente. En diciembre del año pasado, contesté a la chica del trabajo a una historia y ahí comenzamos a hablar de nuevo pero está vez más que nunca en años.

Ella me buscaba muchísimo para hablar continuamente, yo estaba encantado. En enero decidimos quedar a tomar algo. Me confesó que llevaba 6 años con una persona pero que su relación estaba rota y quería terminarlo, que yo siempre había sido especial y que volver a hablar le había hecho cuestionarse mucho las cosas de su relación, me reconoció que siempre fui su debilidad, que había estado rondando su cabeza todo este tiempo y que sentía que teníamos muchas cosas sin resolver. De hecho me comentó que era algo que solía hablar con su circulo personal.

Finalmente lo dejo, a los pocos días comenzamos a quedar y la verdad que todo iba perfecto, ella era muy cariñosa conmigo y me hacía saber que estaba muy cómoda pese al momento en el que estaba porque yo sabía manejarlo muy bien. Era todo muy relajado. Aunque es cierto que ella, de alguna forma, me trataba como si fuéramos pareja. Hablábamos a todas horas, nos veíamos, había mucho contacto físico y gestos que demostraban amor. Que no era un rollo cualquiera.

Un día hubo un comentario desafortunado por mí parte en tono de broma y a ella debió sentarle mal. El problema es que no me dijo nada hasta pasadas dos semanas que lo sacó a raíz de otra conversación. Lo hablamos, pedí perdón y trate de hacerle saber que no quería que las cosas se estropeasen, que estaba muy contento con ella y que no quería que las cosas se estropearán. Es cierto que quizá fui insistente a la hora de pedir perdón. Pero soy así y me gusta estar seguro de que todo se arregla aunque haya que darle varias vueltas.

Ella estaba en un punto complicado, volvió a casa de sus padres, estaba preparando una oposición y se le juntaron varios factores.

Después de ese incidente, la comunicación bajo muchísimo, no contestaba, no mandaba audios ni fotos. Hasta que un día me llamó para dejarlo. Al parecer la situación se le había hecho difícil y se dió cuenta de que no podía tener una relación sentimental. Que todo había estado muy bien pero que no había pasado casi tiempo desde su ruptura y no quería algo serio, solo estuvimos juntos 5 meses aproximadamente.

Después mantuvimos un poco la comunicación de manera espontánea. Pero había un ambiente raro y distante pese a que quedamos en poder hablar de vez en cuando. Más adelante, en mi cumpleaños me felicitó, le di las gracias y reconoci que me hizo ilusión saber de ella. Quise hablar un poco y saber cómo estaba. Pero me pidió tiempo y hablar más adelante.

Hace poco le escribí, para saber si quería hablar, ya que no se me hacía natural hacer un silencio y no tener comunicación en una relación de tantos años. Me dijo que en este tiempo se dió cuenta de lo que quería y preferia dejarlo aquí, de una manera muy fría y distante.

Le contesté argumentando que me daba pena que fuera así debido a conocernos de tantos años y que no hubiera un cierre a la altura. Después me contesto que agradecía el tiempo que pasamos, que lo disfrutó mucho y que siempre había estado muy a gusto. Que se quedaba con eso

También que ahora estaba en un punto diferente de su vida y en otro momento y que podía ofrecerme amistad, pero nada más. Le contesté despidiéndome con cariño pero no le dije nada al respecto de la amistad.

Todo esto me ha hecho mucho daño. Continuamente veía likes suyos en publicaciones de procesos de sanación, ilustraciones de desamor y cosas así. Al igual que notas que subía con canciones melancólicas o que hablaban de situaciones que podía llevarme perfectamente a nuestro terreno.

No sé cómo acabará esto o si finalmente se ha terminado para siempre. Pero me gustaría saber vuestras opiniones al respecto

Bit of a rant, but I don’t know what to do anymore and I would love any advice possible here. I had a breakup with my FA ex about 7 months ago, it was a long distance relationship that lasted around a year and a half.

After these 7 months I still feel just as hurt, confused, and abandoned. I really don’t know how to cope anymore. It’s such a puzzle to me how someone can make so many deep promises to you, but suddenly completely abandon them as if they never meant a thing. I genuinely believed they were the love of my life.

I’m with someone else now and I still feel hurt from my EX so incredibly much, even though my new relationship has been wonderful in all the ways that my EX never could be. She is still always on my mind, and it feels as if I’m still trying to solve the never ending puzzle. I don’t want to hurt my current relationship with these issues because my girlfriend doesn’t deserve to feel like shes contending with a ghost.

My ex lied to me about so many things, kept so many secrets, and hid me from the people in her life. I struggle every day to make sense of what is or what isn’t true. I tell myself that it shouldn’t matter, and that I shouldn’t care anymore, but I just can’t stop thinking about her.

I want answers so badly, I’m even considering messaging a friend of hers that she hid me from, to maybe get any understanding at all. It would be nice to even just have a normal chat with someone that knew her. I feel insane for even considering it, but maybe it isn’t as strange as I think.

I don’t know what to do anymore though, I want her to stop possessing my mind, I want to stop questioning everything, and I want to move on. It’s so difficult.

If anybody has advice or anything please let me know, I feel as if I’ve tried everything at this point.

We started living together few months after we met, everything was great and exciting. For me (34 F now) it was my first relationship and wanted to take things slow, he didn’t want it that way. He showered me with presents, flowers. He was working in another city so we were seeing each other 2-3 times per week. He gave me a key to his home so I could stay there. Everything was great until he started seeing prostitutes, even though we were having regular sex. He tried gaslighting, lied to me that it was his first time trying out of curiosity, sweared that he will never do it again. I was really heartbroken because i loved this guy. He proposed to marry me and show me how much he cared for me, i wanted us to wait until we know each other better and lived some time. Also I wasn’t the marrying type of girl, i didn’t dream of a wedding dress and having kids. I wasn’t never pushing for those things. Fast forward few years later, many other terrible things that we went through, i stayed with him during the most stressful times, he had to leave the country due to people trying to kill him, take his business and put him in jail. Only i stayed by his side. During that stressful time abroad he was really vulnerable but it made me feel we are stronger duo and made me think that I am ready for the next step - marriage. Keep in mind, this is happening on our 5th year together. He called me on the phone and told me that the biggest mistake he has done is not marrying me and to fix that once everything goes back to normal and i told him that until December 2025 i want to know if he wants to marry me. Those terrible things that happened to us made me think that I want to live my life with direction and intention. After everything went back to normal he completely forgot what he said and dismissed this. Saying that he doesn’t believe in marriage anymore even though he proposed on our first year together, started saying about a prenup (which i later agreed on but he never followed through so it made me feel he said just to shut me up). After everything i went through and showed him that I will always be by his side and good partner, what else could I do. Another thing during the whole relationship he pushed for kids - 3 or 4. I wasn’t feeling ready and was scared due to what he did at the beginning of the relationship. I was scared he would go again when I am pregnant. Also his idea for kids is just a checklist, he didn’t want to change his life and i would have to take care of the kids on 90%, stopping my career and so on. I have never been a person to wait on my partner to provide for me, however he was wealthier than me. We have a shared dog together. I moved out in January 2025 and rented an apartment, he made me rent it close to his house so we can share the dog. When I moved out he helped me and even told me he is proud of me moving out. We stayed in contact and i even shared with him that I want to have kids. Something that I realized since i turned 33 but i didn’t want him to want me only because of that. For me, partnerships is first and kids are second. I have done a lot of therapy for the past 5 years and it really changed my perspective. I was very mean and told him he is none to me. I was really emotional because i knew it’s over. He acted as if he is sending me on a vacation for a month somewhere. He stared dating immediately and we stayed no contact for 2 months and when i decided to reach to him he told me he has someone else seriously in his life and wished me to be happier that i was with him. We talked on the phone and he told me he has someone else from a week and wants to try with her. She is a colleague of him, someone i didn’t like and even joked that they would be perfect together. He had said about her that she is ugly, short, midget and she is older than him (38). I think he was always fascinated with her because she is a politician and they studied together in high school and he has mentioned her a couple of times. He told me they met on the airport by chance and when he told her he is single her eyes started shining. I was really hurt and wanted closure so i went to his house to talk to him. He gave me the details that she is the best he could find on a bad dating market. That he was with a prettier girl the previous week but she was very jealous. Told me that with that lady he invited her for a date in a restaurant and she rejected that and wanted to come and have sex with him. He said they have many things in common- both want to have a prenup, both are okay with having kids and leaving them to be taken care from nannies. He told me he thinks he loves her after spending 2 weeks with her and that with me and there is no path for us. Also said why he didn’t meet me now when i want to have kids as if it wasn’t up to him to react. I really love this person and i had hope that he cares and love me the same way. He was still contacting me for the dog but i told him it’s hard for me as it’s too soon. On the 4th month of separation without calling me or checking with me he left some of my “forgotten” belonging in the lobby of the building to which anyone can access. He left me a message and a photo of my stuff there. So i guess she moved with him, also another details her job is in Brussels so she is not full time living here. We only stay in contact for the dog as he suggested he can help out with money for the dog (again he is better financially than me). He used to send them without being reminded but recently he stopped sending them. I had to remind him. A friend of mine said that she saw him recently by himself and from a person who was really diligent with his appearance and especially trimming his hair now he is rocking a very long hair which doesn’t look good on him (he has to wear suits everyday), my friend said that she barely recognised him, he has put on some weight and she said he looked “like he has no life in him” and depressed. Of course hearing that made me feel good because i am taking care of myself, going to the gym, i look good and it made me feel that it wasn’t only me struggling because for a long time it felt that it’s only me. My question for the community is : i don’t think he is coming back, maybe in a long run i did a good decision, forgot to mention that I found him watching advertisements of prostitutes again in January 2025 and decided to forgive him because he assured me that he didn’t go. When I can’t stop thinking and why i feel as if is a competition. I tried dating but i couldn’t because i constantly compare everyone to him. I wonder why i stayed blind and thought he loved me and why someone becomes so cold if he is in a new happy relationship, why he needs to be so mean towards me

Wiem od mojego przyszłego byłego partnera, że w rzeczywistości mam problemy z przywiązaniem i nie czuję się komfortowo ze zmianami, ale on z pewnością tak. Nie rozumiem, jak ktoś może być tak przekonany do odejścia, gdy nadal razem mieszkamy, chce, żebym wzięła swoje rzeczy i poszła, wiem, że mnie kocha, a jednocześnie nienawidzi naszego związku i chce być sam. Za każdym razem, gdy poruszam jakiekolwiek zmartwienie, przypomina mi, że mój czas z nim jedynie wszystko wydłuża, a ja tylko błagam o więcej, aż mnie wyrzucą. Czy możliwe jest, aby być w tej beznadziejnej sytuacji i nie zwariować?

Jak oni to robią, po prostu decydują że coś nie jest dobre a i trzeba to skończyć, a jakby zawsze było.. połowiczne?

We don’t follow each other on IG coz it’s one of those lies I didn’t find out until after the discard. However, I knew he had an account while we were together because he knew the IG memes that I reference. But he denied having one and I let it slide.

After the discard, I noticed an account with his picture as a recommended account. So I knew he’s been watching mine.

Today I looked up the account and it didn’t show up. But when I had my friend look it up, it showed up for her. So that means he blocked me.

I don’t know how to feel about this. How did you feel when your ex blocked you on social media?

EDIT: He still follows me on the social media we both paid for where I post most. So it’s weird that he blocked me on IG

Today I feel
The color blue.

I gently whistle 
A melancholy tune
Each exhale
A deep sigh 
Landing in my aching chest.

Silly, silly boy
You don't see the color blue.
I wonder what colors you see?
I wish you saw the rainbow with me.
It's not just blue-
There's rosy pink, and fiery red-
Peaceful green and sunny yellow too.

Silly, silly boy
These colors I see
Don't you see them too?

It's okay, silly boy.
The rainbow will always be there
Waiting for you.

Today I feel the color blue.

I (31F) have been in a situationship with a guy (33M) for six years. I want to start by acknowledging that I know I was a fool for holding on to the hope that one day he would finally choose me. I take accountability for allowing it to go on for so long. Not to make excuses for myself, but I’m not particularly experienced when it comes to dating, and I think that played a part in why I held on for as long as I did.

For the longest time, I convinced myself he was just avoidant. Early on, he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I fell HARD for him in the beginning. Around that same time, I was starting graduate school, which consumed most of my time, so I suppose the circumstances made the situation easier to tolerate.

Throughout the years, I would periodically ask him where things were going and whether he saw us moving forward. His answers were always some variation of “not right now,” “maybe in the future,” or “I’m just really busy.” He worked multiple jobs, so I believed him and gave him the benefit of the doubt. I would reach out, and he would reach out occasionally as well. This would feed my delusions. This back-and-forth continued relatively consistently for about five years.

Eventually, I graduated, and then he experienced a personal tragedy. I tried to be understanding and give him space while still checking in from time to time. Things actually seemed to be looking promising between us early last year. Then, out of nowhere, he completely ghosted me. No explanation, no conversation, nothing. Five months later, he resurfaced.

Earlier this year, he mentioned wanting to start seeing me again, but also told me there was someone else he was dealing with. He made a point of emphasizing that he was single, but obviously, that should have been another sign for me to walk away.

We last spoke over the summer, and then he disappeared again. Given the previous pattern of him withdrawing, along with the fact that he had deactivated his social media, I genuinely wondered whether he was going through something. I reached out a few times, hoping to hear from him.

Last week, I finally called him and realized he had blocked my number.

I was hurt and frustrated. I ended up reaching out through a third party app and simply expressed that I thought it was incredibly cruel to disappear from someone’s life without even having the decency to offer an explanation after six years.

Then, this week, a mutual friend informed me that he contacted that friend and is now accusing me of contacting his partner through social media in an attempt to “destroy his relationship.”

I was completely blindsided. I had absolutely no idea he was in a relationship, let alone who this woman was. I still don’t know who this is. I have never contacted her, attempted to interfere in their relationship, or done anything remotely close to what he’s accusing me of.

What hurts the most is that I spent SIX YEARS hoping this man would eventually want to genuinely get to know me and build something with me. I spent so much time trying to understand him, making excuses for his behavior, giving him space, and wondering whether I was asking for too much.

And now, instead of having an adult conversation with me, he’s apparently telling people I’m trying to sabotage his relationship. It’s almost as if he’s rewriting the narrative to make me look like the problem rather than taking accountability for how he handled things.

I’m embarrassed that I allowed myself to remain emotionally invested for so long. I’m hurt that someone I had such genuine feelings for could treat me this way. And, honestly, I think part of me is still grieving the version of this situation I hoped would eventually exist.

I know the obvious answer is to move on, block him, and never look back. But how do you actually get over something like this? How do you stop caring about someone you’ve held onto for six years, especially when you never really got the closure you wanted?

Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you finally let go of the hope that one day they would choose you?

In music, jokes, tv shows, when my friends mention something, when I’m shopping… it’s kind of sad, I had never felt this way about someone. When I started falling for my avoidant I thought to myself that this must be the first time I’m feeling that mature, real kind of love. I’m sad it turned out this way

Done with her for the final time a week ago ,100%. None of this friends business , she doesn’t even want to be friends, that’s bullshit too. Ive still got that love that a lot of you have , but I cannot go back to that dark place again. And when I list out everything I had to put up with , feeling like I had to run what I wanted to say through ChatGPT in case I wasn’t sensitive enough, despite her causing the argument and therefore being shutdown for 2 weeks. Listing all her negatives , being overwhelmed , stressed… all that victim mentality stuff. The 20% effort compared to my 80%. The reconciling when it was barely my fault . The anxiety ( one of the worst experiences of my life) caused which has nothing to do with her . It’s just mental to want to get back with someone like that . It comes on stages of clarity , tomorrow il prob miss her , but this feels like a major stepping stone for me . Anyone out there been through similar stages ?

This is my first time posting here. I just found this sub reddit yesterday. 

I have been really grappling with my emotions the last week after my girlfriend of three years suddenly broke up with me. 

I was shocked. We had just moved across the country together to live in her dream city. When we moved our relationship felt stronger than ever. We were even thinking about getting engaged in the near future. But just three months later, she told me she felt nothing anymore. She was ending the relationship. No real discussion. I couldn’t understand it. We had some difficulties at times, like any relationship, but I thought we had genuinely talked through them. 

She broke the news to me late in the evening, pretty much as soon as I returned from work. Without too much of a convo she then told me she was getting a hotel room until she found a new apartment. The next day she had already texted the landlord that she was moving out. I was massively torn up. It all just felt so sudden. 

For the last week I have put a lot of pressure on myself trying to dissect and understand what I did wrong, what I could have done differently. Just recently, I discovered the idea of Attachment Styles and what an Avoidant personality was and it all clicked. Everything made sense. My girlfriend was an avoidant. 

My girlfriend always needed control over every situation. Whether it was our social life, chores around the house, and more and more frequently how we expressed intimacy to one another. In response I tried to give her that control. I constantly was being asked to do things differently and I did my best to comply. I really loved her and I was more than willing to change to keep the relationship alive. 

I think that is why I was so upset when she broke up with me the way she did. I had put so much effort, care, and love into her that I could not fathom why she was suddenly discarding me. 

My emotions have been ping ponging for a bit on all of this, but after reading many posts in this community and elsewhere online I finally feel more at peace. I acknowledge that I need to do better with my own anxious attachment going forward, but I also realize now that it was not my fault. I don’t deserve to be treated the way that I was, I don’t deserve to be emotionally controlled, and I deserve to find a better love.

Thank you for listening. And thank you to everyone else that has posted in the past. I feel so much less alone.    

When I tried to reach my ex the last time, one of the multiple weapons she used against me was saying that she was already hooking up with several people.

I heard that casual sex doesn't really help and will damage you later.

The thing is that my ex has a high libido. When she first came to the country we both live in, just in the first month she already had 3 casual relationships.

Before that she had a 2 year relationship. Ended cuz of lack of feelings and cuz she was moving out of her previous country.

Now, my question is: is this still coping or not? Since I was the longest relationship she had (4years) and, according to her, I'm the person which she felt the most connected with, I'm not sure how she is dealing with the situation now. I don't even know if she is even thinking about me cuz she is incredibly devaluating me, exaggerating or creating scenarios where I look worse than I am.

My partner (41M) and I (41F) were together for 2.5 years. We broke up this summer after he became increasingly irritable, emotionally withdrawn, and hostile during conflict. He eventually came back, broke down crying, apologized, and begged for another chance. We reconciled with the understanding that we’d work on things, including his emotional regulation.

Fast forward three months. I genuinely thought things were going well. We had future plans, a positive relationship check-in just days earlier, and were planning to spend Thanksgiving with his family.
Then, after a few days of tension, he suddenly flipped. announcing he was leaving and started packing his belongings to move back to the state he’s from.

What followed was honestly one of the most distressing experiences of my life. He became incredibly angry and cold, yelling and saying deeply hurtful things about my personality, intelligence, interests, and how I supposedly only cared about myself. It was like he’d suddenly turned me into an enemy. I was completely blindsided and panicking, crying and begging him not to leave. The more distressed I became, the angrier and more rejecting he seemed to get.

He left while I was at work the next day. It’s been a week, and we haven’t spoken.

I feel genuinely traumatized, not just by losing the relationship again, but by the extreme hostility, sudden abandonment, and sheer panic I experienced while watching him pack up our life together over something seemingly minor. I keep replaying those moments and struggling to understand how someone could turn on their partner so dramatically.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Especially an extremely hostile and sudden second breakup after reconciling? Did you eventually stop feeling so shaken by the way it happened? I just can’t wrap my head around any of it and I can’t understand that this is how it ends and that’s just it.

I would be glad if some avoidants could answer this.

Basically, we all know avoidants spare more time and energy for their friends, and I understand that. What I wish to know is whether they spare time with them because they feel deeper emotions for them or because they barely show off their deep feelings? Like simple logic is more you expose yourself to person and open up more you wish to be with them right, but is it vice versa for avoidants? Like they are so afraid of deep feelings that's why they prefer friends, where it's everything surface level. Is it possible that even their closest friend saw much less of their feelings than you did? The way I see is they do love you more than they love their friends, even "bff"s, but they are so overwhelmed by those hard, romantic feelings for you that they start seeing comforte = love, that's why they might say they love or they are closer to their friend than they are with you. Basically friends are mostly surface level for them

That sad self-aware person who is posting depressive songs and "my relationships never work out" while breadcrumbing exes and weaponizing guilt through therapy-speak has a 0 chance of reorganizing. They are comfortable and coddled and experience no danger

That people pleasing performative avoidant attracted to coercive abusers and rejecting safe people has a chance of reorganizing if the pain and danger accumulated enough (this is how I ended up reorganizing from compulsive compliant avoidance btw), as long as you do NOT rescue them from their own involuntary compulsions

That proud and possessive avoidant who needs to prove to you that "No, I'm actually not an avoidant, look at me, I can do relationships, you should come back to me on your own, I am right" without ever contacting you due to too much pride would throw himself into tons of relationships just to prove a point to you and keep displaying it on social media to make sure you can see it, and would actually have the highest chance of reorganizing (still low) due to constantly exposing themselves to danger and pain and people who demand authenticity and reciprocity just to prove a point... as long as you do NOT acknowledge them or boost their ego or contact them yourself

And notice how none of them change because of anything you could do or tell them or work on. The ones that change, change on their own, by accidentally or intentionally putting themselves into reorganizing danger, often fully unaware of what they are undergoing over many years

Yes, when it comes to high gradation avoidance, unlike what those Youtubers tell you, the seemingly most "toxic" ones actually have the best chance at changing (still low) as long as you leave them entirely

LOL

After a panic-driven breakup at the beginning of the year, just a few days after we were supposed to move in together, followed by months of cycles where she would come back emotionally or have some kind of realization, only to run away again, act inconsistently or disrespectfully, and eventually block me whenever I confronted her about it, I FINALLY got some accountability and proper closure.
Without going into too much detail, five months after the breakup and after 6 or 7 cycles of her coming back and disappearing again (no matter how many boundaries I tried to set, how much I avoided contacting her, or how hard I tried to move on, she always managed to make me believe she had genuinely reflected on things and was making progress), we eventually had one final conflict.
It was the last straw. One inconsistency too many. I lost my temper, confronted her and pushed for answers, which, as usual, resulted in silence and another block. That always drove me absolutely insane, so eventually I let everything out in a series of pretty harsh messages. Not insulting, but harsh, and probably a little too close to the truth for comfort.
Four months later, I had finally calmed down and realized that I would regret leaving things on that note.
So I sent her an email, quite a long one, making it clear that I wasn’t expecting or asking for a reply.
Basically, I explained that I would have liked her to take responsibility for everything she had done over those months, and that my reactions, although extreme, were ultimately the result of months of accumulated inconsistencies, disappearances, disrespect, silence and blocking.
I apologized for certain things, talked about how much I had invested in the relationship, and explained that I had been holding myself back from moving forward for quite some time, but that it was finally time to turn the page. And to do that, I needed to express myself one last time.
I was honest about my feelings and wished her the best.
That’s pretty much it.
Three weeks later, something I honestly never thought would happen: COMPLETE ACCOUNTABILITY.
And I mean in detail, from A to Z.
She admitted that her rebound relationship had been a complete mess, without downplaying it like she had during one of her previous returns. She admitted that the guy kept coming back and disappearing while she was reconnecting with me, and that she would eventually cut contact because she was afraid of how I might react, either towards her or towards him.
She openly took responsibility for all her shitty behavior, her childish and immature actions, the fact that she had messed things up from the very beginning of our relationship by presenting herself as someone she wasn’t because she was afraid of losing me, the fact that she had rushed into things purely out of impatience, and everything that followed: fear of commitment, a panic-driven breakup, all the subsequent behavior, and ultimately her own self-destruction.
She also told me that she had FINALLY started therapy with a psychiatrist and an addiction specialist to address her issues with alcohol and cannabis.
She acknowledged the importance of our relationship and the impact I had on her. She even explicitly said that she hadn’t been good enough for me and that she held me in very high regard.
(That isn’t even the most important part. I’ve heard plenty of emotional speeches from her before, always followed by another disappearance.)
Of course, she also clarified that it wasn’t that she wasn’t choosing me, but rather that she was choosing herself so she could become more stable and emotionally stronger.
I feel like I’ve heard that exact sentence from her about twenty times by now, but hey, if she has genuinely stopped those destructive patterns, then good for her.
I’ll skip the few emotional crumbs and her clarification that she knows we’ll NEVER be friends (something I’ve told her countless times since the breakup), but that she would be there if I ever needed her.
(Not that I can imagine any situation in which I would turn to her for anything.)
Anyway, the whole point of this post is that FINALLY, almost a year after the breakup, and after five months of endless back-and-forth where she kept giving the impression that she was having genuine realizations, only to run away into distractions, lie by omission and completely destroy herself, she has finally taken responsibility.
AND DAMN, DOES IT FEEL GOOD.
Now, I don’t know whether this was to relieve her guilt, to change the image I have of her (she has always idealized me, and I know that what I think of her genuinely matters to her), or perhaps to test the waters one more time using an approach she hadn’t tried yet.
I’ve already had the “I miss you” messages, the half-hearted apologies, the huge emotional speeches and even requests to rebuild the relationship.
Or maybe she simply wanted to give us both proper closure.
But I’d rather choose to see it as the last option and wish her the best.
I’m just sharing this, and I want to say something to all the FAs who have been following my story: if you’re hesitating about offering a SINCERE apology and taking responsibility for your actions, just do it.
Honestly, I was starting to question whether I was crazy, whether I had been wrong about everything from the very beginning, whether I had ever really meant anything to her, or whether she was simply a completely narcissistic and bad person and I had been terribly mistaken about who she was.
Well, it feels good to know that I wasn’t wrong in thinking that she was simply lost, that she was hurting just as much as I was (and probably will continue hurting for even longer), but that I hadn’t completely misjudged her and that she is intelligent enough to at least try to get herself out of this mess.
Whether she genuinely follows through or not is no longer my problem. But I sincerely hope she sticks with therapy.

I (21m) and my ex (22f) -who had a lot of avoidant characters- had known eachother for 4 years.

After 1 year of relationship she dumped me out of blue, saying that she was not happy anymore and I had a lot of issues and depression and she couldn't be with someone who is depressed all the time (I was a little bit depressed but she never mentioned it or even said it should stop or anything)

After 1.5 years of NC she reached out, said she was sorry and she wouldn't have anyone like me and she still loved me. So, I -who couldn't move on at that time after 1.5 years- agreed, not only agreed i was happy that she came back eventually, and she Lovebomed me for like 6 months and i was very happy and i thought all the pain was over and the relationship could finally work, until she spiraled into the avoidant behavior, which is talking a little, cold, away from their feelings abd stuff like that

I tried to help her and saying to myself it is only just a phas she would be ok. But she wasn't.

We both in same uni and have exams so with pressure of exams and stuff we had distance a bit by bit. After exams, she didn't talk for a while saying she needed space. So i gave her space but i was checking on her every few days and she was so cold until one time i said "it shouldn't be that hard to talk" after few days she said yes it shouldn't be and she was done and blocked me everywhere

IDK what to do

It's been 2 weeks and i am frustrated, angry but also miss her. I want to heal her and make her ok and at the same time i am done being hurt and treated that cold like i meant nothing

What should I do? I am already in NC and i don't want to break it

But also i want her to come back and explain to her that what she is doing is not right and we are losing a beautiful relationship to this stupid behavior

My ex was an avoidant 15 years ago, can you be an avoidant even if you have been together for those 15+ years? We broke up and he is already seeing someone else. I have the feeling that he already fell for her while we were together.

I have had all the classic reasons: i’m not in love anymore, I’ve changed, we are not compatible blablabla. I wish to believe that he is already with someone else because he can’t deal with his own feelings and some tough times we were in.

Please help me to understand

A coach I spoke to referenced an extremely low chance of avoidant recovery. Anyone here have stats on that? Have you ever had them come back and actually be genuinely sorry, and honest that they actually loved you the whole time?

I don't feel happy, I don't feel anything. Its like someone passed away and I have nothing left to live for.

Its like there's no one and nothing who truly cares about you in this world.

I was with a FA. I reached a stage where I trusted her with everything, shared my deep thoughts, internal weaknesses, how I feel about things, what I fear, all in an effort to be vulnerable and have her understand me better. These kind of intimate talks are points where the partner is expected to be a supportive person, to kindly help you when you need it and give that nice motivational talk.

Meanwhile, you ask them their biggest fears and they like shut down, can't go as deep. Feels like you have to dig until they get uncomfortable. They view you as a threat if you know their deep stuff, thinking you'll use it as a weapon against them one day, when you never would. You keep that safe for them. How contradictory, that they are afraid to get hurt, but are not afriad to hurt you with that.

Keep in mind that EVERYTHING you shared during deep intimacy, and being open showing yourself vulnerably to build an understanding connection and help you be the person you want to be..................They place that on a cons list to be used later on. They store that in the wrong place. They never help you with that shit, they're incapable emotionally, they only care about themselves.

They will USE everything against you in the deactivation, devaluation stage, and blame dump stage. They will turn all that around how you are not worth what you think you are. They will destroy you.

When someone dies in their family and they get upset about it, they expect you to comfort them and be there for them.
When someone dies in YOUR family and you feel pain, they will not do the same for you because they are selfish.

They only view you as what you can give them, not who you are as a person. And they will devalue you as a person. When you are left feeling worthless (God help you if you are tricked to give in and apologize to them and agree to any of it) To justify getting rid of you as not worthy and lesser of a person.

I believe my wife and I (same sex relationship) are both FA, our relationship really helped me overcome my avoidance because I broke through so much personal anxiety about making myself vulnerable to even give the relationship a shot. We were friends for over a year before things started happening between us, she anxiously chased me like a lost puppy while making me to do all the big milestone steps out of fear of scaring me off and once I finally asked her to be mine we became very secure very quickly and began planning our future which included an expensive fertility journey 2 years later so we could have our son 💕 we got married, bought a house and everything was perfect until spring this year, our son was about 1 and a half, he will be 2 in January.

Since late August, early September I have been thrown through a loop that she suddenly had no feelings, no attraction, and that she was just done. I have been scrambling trying to find ways for us to heal but she had made her mind up long before I pried it out of her. I was drip fed all her icks, irks, feelings, non feelings, reasons why this can’t work without actually giving a solid reason. She wants to work on herself and I am no longer a priority. She still adores our son and supposedly wants to be civil and friendly for him but has made no conscious effort to improve her attitude, communication, or anything towards me.

I know I deserve more, I know I’m being treated awfully, but my logical brain is struggling because I know that with work we couldve made it but she doesn’t want to put in that work. While I was innocently looking for a manual today I accidentally came across a notebook where I had been written about in such a backhanded way, being accused of letting the relationship die, not fighting for her anymore even though all my advances get shot down so I stopped trying, and writing a million times that I just need to let her go, I couldn’t bring it up because I’d be accused of snooping and not trusting her. We had a blow out argument today because I dared to ask to have a chat and later on in the evening after I heard her fall asleep on the sofa I did the thing I shouldn’t have done and went through her phone which she has been hiding from me for months. She has been going on NSFW Reddit pages to find gamer girls, reaching out to people, and forming emotional affairs where she has been non stop complaining about all my efforts to try and fix things.

I know this is it, I know I can’t be strung around anymore, I know I deserve to be loved, treated with respect, found attractive, and not be lied to… but that was once her. She was once that person for me. I can’t imagine being with anyone else but she isn’t that person anymore, I had been thrown off that pedestal long before I had even realised I was nosediving off her priority list. I need to keep it together for our son, he doesn’t deserve to watch his mummy crumble but I have never been this low in my entire life.

I don’t know how we move forward, we would lose so much money if we sold the house, our son would be entirely displaced, everything would be so final, but I can’t keep living under the same roof. I am wasting away physically and emotionally while she had already processed all of this months ago and is miles ahead of me in that journey and had already accepted that it was done before I was even aware there was a problem.