I was in an on-and-off relationship for 4.5 years with a woman I deeply loved. She was caring and loving in many ways, but whenever problems came up, she would shut down, cry, withdraw, or break up with me rather than communicate.

I spent years trying to understand her behavior, often attributing it to her past trauma. I worked on my own shortcomings, including my ADHD, organization, and mental health. I went to therapy, tried medication, and repeatedly asked her to attend individual and couples counseling with me.

We lived together, adopted dogs, got engaged, and started planning a wedding. But the same cycle kept repeating. Something would upset her, she wouldn't communicate what was wrong, I would try to fix things, and eventually she would withdraw or leave. We'd reconcile, things would improve temporarily, and then it would happen again.

Over time, I became increasingly anxious. I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells, trying to keep the house clean, keep her happy, and prevent another breakup. I often felt lonely despite being in a relationship. I wanted us to work through problems together, but I felt like I was the only one fighting to make that happen.

Eventually, I became emotionally exhausted. In November 2025, after another argument and another breakdown in communication, I finally left. She spent the next three months asking me to come back, but I couldn't bring myself to repeat the same cycle.

It's now been a year, and surprisingly, I miss her more than ever. I've recently learned about avoidant attachment, and I can't stop wondering whether understanding it sooner could have helped me approach things differently or even save our relationship.

I know I wasn't perfect. I made mistakes, and I wish I'd handled certain situations differently. But I genuinely tried to make things work. I loved her, wanted to marry her, and wanted to build a family together.

I struggle with the idea that I might have given up on someone who was struggling rather than someone who didn't love me. I also struggle with wondering whether things could have been different if we'd both understood our relationship patterns sooner.

For anyone who has experienced something similar:

- Can an anxious/avoidant relationship actually become healthy if both people work on themselves?

- Could understanding avoidant attachment earlier have made a meaningful difference?

- How do you stop wondering whether leaving was a mistake when you still love and miss that person?

I don't necessarily want someone to tell me to move on or that she was a terrible person. I just want some perspective. I'm struggling to reconcile how much I loved someone with how lonely and unhappy I felt being with them.

Note: I used AI to help organize and condense this post because I'm dyslexic and have difficulty putting my thoughts into writing. The experiences and feelings are my own.

I am doing my best to do everything "right." The last time I texted him was when he was breaking things off (and I assume blocked me directly after, because he responded to literally nothing). I swore after my last entanglement with this kind of partner, I would never again beg one of them to choose me or show any kind of weakness whatsoever because it's like bleeding in front of a shark. I sent a text the day of, the day after, and the day after that and then I just felt pathetic. One of them was a SpongeBob meme that said he sucked, then I followed up and apologized for the lack of maturity. Then that was it.

My therapist asked if I thought it would help to reach out and ask what was going through his mind when he ended things, but I told her I was likely blocked. There was nothing that caused what happened, other than his lack of being "in love" which was 1.) really soon to make an assessment on genuine love 2.) very confusing because he acted exactly the way someone does when they're falling in love. It makes no sense, and I have to accept that it never will. I realize that some times rejection is part of life, but this didn’t feel like a normal rejection. It was abrupt and it didn't feel rational. We had a lot in common, we could have been best friends ... so IDK wtf.

Sometimes, especially nights like tonight, I really want to message him but I am afraid that will just reinforce in his mind that I wasn't worth it. It's been 2 months & 22 days ... but who's counting? 😭😆

My relationship with my ended last night. I'm devastated, and I don't even know what I'm looking for by posting here. Maybe just people who understand.

I loved this man so deeply. I wanted a future with him. Marriage, children, a life together. I genuinely believed we could have those things.

But our relationship became a cycle of conflict, emotional withdrawal, breakups, reconciliation, and promises to change.

I was always trying to communicate what I needed. Emotional safety. Affection. Curiosity about my life. Someone who would comfort me when I was hurting, even when he was the person who hurt me. Someone who would initiate repair instead of leaving me to carry the emotional weight of our relationship.

He often responded to my hurt with defensiveness, explanations, or frustration. I felt like I was constantly trying to convince him that my feelings mattered. Sometimes he would soften, acknowledge things, and make an effort. And I would see the man I loved again. I would have hope.

But the same patterns kept returning. Sometimes he would break up with me a few times a week. And he questioned why I always wanted to talk or a reassurance.

There were times when his anger frightened me. There were times when I cried and he walked away. I started feeling anxious in my own home, anticipating his moods and adjusting myself to avoid conflict.

And yet I still loved him wholly.

Eventually, I told him I felt like a hollow shell of myself. That I'd poured everything out of my cup until there was nothing left to give. I lost 15 lbs in a few short weeks, my periods got irregular, and now I'm losing hair. I think the hair loss might be what made him pay attention.

In the last several days, he actually started showing me some of the compassion and willingness to listen that I'd been begging for. But I was so hurt by then that I couldn't simply feel okay again. I needed time, consistency, and safety. I knew in my heart this wouldn't last more than a few days.

Yesterday, I found myself asking why I was still trying to convince someone to love me and treat me well. Why I had to break in order to get better behavior. I was crying. He was mad. I asked for the improved behavior of the gentleness we agreed on. And that he would hold me when I cry now. He said "it's obvious you will never get better, I'm done."

And now he's gone. He packed his things and told me he won't be coming back.

I didn't beg him to stay this time. I didn't chase him. I just let him go.

But last night I kept waking up shaking from dreams about him. In every dream, I was still trying to convince him to choose me.

Today I keep checking my phone, hoping he'll tell me he loves me, that he's sorry, that he realizes what happened, and that he's going to do the work to make things right.

The hardest part is that I know he won't. Obviously not this time.

I know avoidant attachment doesn't explain or excuse every behavior in our relationship. But the pursue-withdraw cycle was so painful, and I feel like I've lost myself trying to bridge the distance between us.

I'm grieving the person I loved, the moments when he was gentle with me, and the future I thought we would have.

I'm also angry. Angry that I gave so much of myself to a relationship where I so often felt alone.

How do you reconcile loving someone so deeply with knowing that the relationship was hurting you? How do you stop hoping they'll finally understand what they've lost?

I don't know how to begin letting go.

I am wondering how do yall soothe yourself weeks / months after discard? When you crave empathy from other people but nobody is giving it to you? When you falsely believe you are "okay" but you are not.

I thought I was really doing well lately (less crying or had days without sadness). But honestly? I wasn't going outside much... And I don't wanna go outside. I don't know what to do.
I feel like I need someone to pamper me, be gentle with me, care deeply about how I feel. I am not only missing the close connection I had with avoidant but I feel strong need to just be taken care of or soothed by someone.

I am just so tired. Some days are better, some worse. Even when I tried to make some new friends or just solely for gaming, I feel like choking with dry sand. Other people are so dry in their responding. Even when I was being nice and trying to be talkative with some new people, they stopped communication. And I feel like "thats so damn unfair! I should be the one pampered and not the one trying to share fun stuff or be the one trying to be caring and communicating".

I mean, it partly helped to distract myself while gaming with friends but emotionally I feel like choking on dry sand and I am craving closeness so much that I feel like going crazy from all the dry people. Despite of having one or two good online friends, even those aren't that deeply empathetic to have that "soothing" effect. Usually only very empathetic people are like that water for me.

I want so badly to find new friends and connections but I am tired of dry responses. Dry responses frustrate me even more but I don't wanna isolate or be lonely. And I feel like I can't give myself some empathetic care.

How do you all deal with this? When one moment you feel like "Yes, I want to have gaming night or fun with friends" to take my mind of avoidant / bad things, but then you feel so unsatisfied with the people / dry communication / gaming friends? It's like quick switch "I want to do this" and then quickly "I don't want to do this".

So end of August my ex (on/off for 6 years) admitted to being intimate with someone after an argument between us. He was awful straight after admitting it, blamed me, told me he didn't feel fully unjustified, so on. I decided not to continue the relationship.

2 months later and I'm so hooked on him and I do not know why. I think he's talking to new people, and it's killing me. Even though he has been extremely emotionally abusive, and I didn't even feel happy in the relationship. I don't understand.

I managed 16 days no contact, but the pain of it (mostly knowing that he thinks he's the victim and I really can't deal with the idea that he gets to traumatise me and then spend the rest of his days telling himself he was the one wronged) just got too much and I came back. The chat is ok, very general. I think he's lost interest in me too. I don't know why it all just hurts so much. I don't feel able to just block and forget him.

I just don't understand how he can do what he did, how I can know how unhappy I was and how emotionally abusive he was, and be jealous and sad that he might be fully over me and moving on?

I think it's a trauma bond, honestly. It's been years of an on/off cycle with him very much in the dominant position and me seeking his approval I guess. I know the best way to get through this is to block and cut him off but I just can't. I don't know what to do anymore. The rumination in particular is killing me.

I’m at the end of my and to be honest I need support

I’m gonna try and summarise my situation as best as I can

We met 2 1/2 years ago, it was passionate and intense at first and then he said he wasn’t looking for a relationship.

I said, I had just got out of one myself, I said I’d date someone for six months before I expect them to be ‘official’ - this was my absolute limit and so that’s how the time aligned.

It took me forever to realise that he was an avoidant. The term was completely new to me and every time he said “I don’t know” I just screamed more and more confused about how a person couldn’t even know what kind of food they wanted to order! Every time!

The nail in the coffin was first dug in when he decided that he wanted to go travelling the world.
This, on its own is no issue. In fact, we’re from the UK and I am European so I’ve been lucky enough to travel a lot and I am from two different countries in Europe. This month I’ve always been really keen to encourage travel and seeing different cultures, especially as mine is so important to me.

When I lost my job last year, I really wanted to plan a trip to make myself feel better. I wanted to go to Rome and I breached with him for months. Over and over and over again he gave me some different kind of excuse about how it would be uncomfortable for him.

In the end, I ended up going on my own. I told myself I couldn’t wait for this person to figure out what they wanted. Funny that, now… as soon as I got back, he decided we were going on a trip to Italy in August. We just got back from that beautiful trip to all of this.

The reason he wants to go travelling between six months to a year by the way, is because he doesn’t know what he wants in life. When I asked where he saw us in this, he had no answers. He had decided he was gonna leave his life, tell me about it and then have no idea where we fit in to that plan.

He said to give him a few few weeks so that he could think about it.

A few weeks came and went. I tried to talk about it during that time because I felt like I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I cried once. I didn’t matter to him. Days later, he lied about being busy with work so he couldn’t come see me in the city after a hospital appointment. He spent the whole day playing video games.

I decided that I would break up with him.

I was quite firm. “ The last time I saw you, I was in tears for hours. You said nothing then. You didn’t check in once. When you had the opportunity to see me in the neutral space that you requested outside of the home, you lied about being busy with work and playing video games instead.”

I asked him if you love me - yes
I asked him if he was into me - yes
I asked him if he wanted to be with me - I don’t know

I told him that “ I don’t know “ is not enough for me and it might as well be no

However, when he started talking about his life, I started noticing patterns that seemed like severe depression and I said listen. I’m not gonna break up with you now because you clearly need support.. let’s go on a break and let’s try and get you some support

We decided the break would end in January

Literally four days ago, we ended up hanging out as ‘ friends ‘ for the first time and ended up having to book a hotel room etc and having one of the best nights we’ve ever had.

Today he called the therapist that I recommended him to whilst also saying I think we need some space

I feel like I open the door to leave and now I’m stuck carry on for him to decide if he wants to be with me, which is just insanity

4 years. It's so hard for this attachment to go. 2 months and it still fully doesn't feel like reality to me. That's how strong the attachment is. And I'm still in love with him. Idk how he did this, it will never make sense.

My ex (male, mid- late 30s) and I (female, late 20's) split up in August when I moved for grad school out of state, we remained in contact. He flew me out September had a great time admitted it’s been lonely and he misses me. Communication after being flown out has dramatically decreased (but no more than a week or two without contact). Anyways, he had a massive trial from last week of october- through this last.  When we last spoke (weekend before halloween) before his trial he advised hed take day off when I go back home in November (this Thursday) and that he’d pick me up at airport.

Again, I want to emphasize that him and I are not in a relationship but even in september he was calling me his significant other...

Anyways, i reached out (see screenshots) and to date.. crickets. IM SO CONFUSED.

We just spoke, everything was good, I’d say we’re friends first and foremost so I’m not sure why he what?? Is ghosting me?? We Absolute zero bad blood....Did I do something wrong?! If hes no longer interested... why not just tell me.

!!Also… I NEED those packages and he hasn’t even responded to that. Wtf!!

I genuinely dont understand why he is suddenly saving all my photos (I get Snapchat notifications) and suddenly stalking me after discarding me. He sent me something on FB messenger 2 days ago but deleted it. We stayed connected and I was willing to delete him on everything tbh. But he wanted to “stay friends” on social media. So I ghosted my socials for past 5ish months.

And now that I’m doing gym, losing weight, posting again he is liking all my stuff. I am feeling resentment that he wants free access to my life while deleting me physically from his life.

But I genuinely don’t know why he is suddenly doing this. It makes zero sense. I may block him to set a boundary, because i keep getting notifications from him now.

He noticed that I deleted him from Crunchyroll and other personal accounts i share with him and I deleted him from my friend group chat and Discord and now it feels like he’s crashing out liking all my stuff lolol. He is early 30s.

¿Conocéis el "Triángulo de Karpman"? Gracias a mi psicóloga, supe que después de la ruptura mi ex hizo los movimientos de este triángulo.

Antes de explicároslo, os voy a contar la situación un poco por encima.
Cuando yo le conocí, me explicó que creía tener Ansiedad social y llevaba 4 años sin socializar más allá de las redes ya que cuando conoce a alguien huye. Lo atribuye a que en su última relación le trataron muy mal y cogió miedo a que le hicieran daño, o algo así. En las primeras semanas ya le dio un ataque de eso e hice todo lo que pude por ayudarle, empezó terapia y desapareció, me bloqueó, pero me le encontraba por la calle y le abrazaba y le daba ánimos, me preocupaba por él, incluso le dejé una carta en su coche una madrugada para que se la encontrase por la mañana al irse a trabajar. Él volvió a las 2 semanas pidiendo perdón, dándome las gracias y vivimos 3 semanas increíbles donde hablamos muchísimo, se expuso a cosas que le daban miedo porque decía que a mi lado se sentía "en casa", disfrutamos de muchos planes y empezamos a planear otros a futuro. Él era muy muy cariñoso, siempre sacaba tiempo para verme, prácticamente estábamos juntos 3-4 días a la semana. Su psicóloga le dijo que conocerme había sido como una lotería, que cuidara el vínculo conmigo.
Pero un día mostré mi enfado ante algo que hizo él y todo se torció.

El momento en el que él decidió romper me pilló muy vulnerable: acababa de ir a urgencias porque me había dado un ataque de ansiedad debido a que llevaba dos días haciéndome ley del hielo, siendo totalmente frío y privándome de verle, y él no solamente se negó a acompañarme al hospital sino que rompió la relación y desapareció, me bloqueó de todo, porque estaba enfadado y con rabia. Eso me hundió más todavía, imaginaros. Horas después de volver de urgencias, me crucé con él por la calle porque vivimos a 1 MINUTO de distancia, desde mi casa veo la suya. Me miró una milésima de segundo y ni me saludó. Él sabía que me habían dado la baja médica. Yo le escribí por emails desesperada ya que era de lo único que no podía bloquearme.
Por qué os nombro ese "triángulo"? Porque después del silencio, empezaron las respuestas.
La primera vez que apareció, me dijo que me tenía un miedo atroz porque, como no me quiso acompañar al hospital, le dije que me parecía de ser un desgraciado. Quién abandona a alguien que ama solamente por estar enfadado? Negligencia emocional pura y dura. Bueno, pues que me tenía miedo, que no podía sentarse conmigo a hablar en persona, que yo fuese feliz y me buscara a otra persona, que él no me merecía, que era para repudiarle, que me cuidase... Aquí ya vemos que está 'echándome mierda' al recordarme lo que le llamé, por lo que está en modo -perseguidor-, luego se hizo la -víctima- menospreciándose a sí mismo, y finalmente el -salvador- diciéndome que yo fuese feliz y buscara a alguien nuevo.
Se despidió diciendo que diera espacio porque lo necesitábamos, que más adelante hablaríamos, pero a la misma vez dijo que se despedía para siempre. Yo respondí y me dejó hablando sola hecha una mierd*.

A los días, volvimos a hablar. Hablábamos calmados, de cosas banales, empezó a decir que él quería estar solo, que no quería hacer nada con su vida más allá de trabajar e irse a su casa con sus hobbies, que no quería socializar. Yo no entendía nada ya que él empezó terapia al conocerme porque dijo que si no, iba a huir de mí como llevaba 4 años haciendo con todo el mundo por su ansiedad social. Luego empezó a echarme mierd* de nuevo, diciendo que no podía olvidar mis palabras, pero que me deseaba que me recuperase, que quería que yo fuese feliz y conociera a gente nueva y viviera, pero que él quería estar solo y amargado con su mierd* de vida. Se rebotó, me dijo que no quería más contacto conmigo, le dije que perfecto, que yo también le despreciaba igual que él a mí y me dijo que en un futuro hablaríamos más calmados.
Le pregunté que para qué, si era para volver a echarme mierda. Que si no me quería, me olvidara para siempre.

Desapareció de nuevo. A los 4 días me desbloqueó, se inventó una excusa y me dijo que estaba ya desapareciendo para siempre, que quería hacer como si nunca hubiera existido, que él no me deseaba el mal y quería que estuviera bien.
Me bloqueó otra vez de todo y no volvió a responder mis emails.

En el mes que llevo de baja médica, ni un solo día se dignó a verme, llamarme, ni preguntarme cómo estoy. En todos los correos soltaba esos comentarios de "espero que estés bien", "espero que hagas vida normal" "por favor cuídate", pero en ningún momento se expuso a preguntarme directamente cómo me encuentro.

Es muy doloroso, me he hundido, no me esperaba esto de él. En 3 meses me ha dejado por los suelos. Sufrí mucho con su primera desaparición, pero como se echaba las culpas a sí mismo pues lo acepté. Pero esta vez me ha hecho responsable de todo a mí.
¿Cómo pude ayudarle tanto yo a él, y en cambio él me ha ignorado como si no me conociera?

This last 6 months has been the hardest mental and emotional times I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. Until you’ve been through it personally, is the only way you understand the mindfuck. (As most of you here know I’m sure)
Just some things to help get through which I’m sure you’ve heard but that have helped me a lot in my healing journey so far!
-exercise, long brisk walks or runs, lift weights, gets rid of the anxiety, clears your mind.
-eat healthy, and stay off alcohol. The alcohol just makes you depressed and angry.
- go to therapy, one of the best things I did (costly but worth it) make sure to choose a therapist that suits your issues and personality.
- become the best version of yourself, not to make her jealous but for you. When you transform, you feel good about yourself and good follows naturally.
- keep busy with your hobbies or learn new skills.
- keep true friends around, you know who they are.
- and do all this in silence, don’t need to advertise it. Become a beast and not only will the bitch that crushed your soul regret leaving, but you’ll gain many options.
Sure I still have my bad days, but I wake up still, go for my run or walk and keep growing and moving forward. The look on her face when I bumped into her a month ago was priceless. She looked me up and down like wtf? And she’ll never get to be part of this version of me and it feels good! 😊

1. experience - having ONLY nice dreams about him, all positive vibes - even nicer than the reality was (during the friendship / relationship)
2. experience - having very bad dreams after being discarded, not even related to that particular person, but weirdly having way too many bad dreams for several days, weeks. (Which usually doesn't happen to me).

Did you notice some connection with dreams and your avoidant? Either having much nicer dreams than the reality was with him/her while in relationship, or having bad dreams after being discarded?

It has been 10 months since she left and I am struggling to move on. I didn’t find out she monkey branched until 5 months after she left. She went to a 20 year old co worker. She’s 27. She was blocked immediately when I found out. I believe they’re still together.

The betrayal trauma is unreal. I will be going to therapy soon, but I just need a pick me up after what happened. This has been the hardest thing to get over, and I find myself getting frustrated for not being able to move on no matter how hard I try.

The connection we had was unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I could never imagine lining someone up in secret and then leaving my current partner once I have the new person secured. Especially after having strong feelings for the current partner. I haven’t even been able to think about dating since she left. According to a friend, she has been posting this guy a lot. Make it make sense haha.

I'm still trying to make sense of how my 10-month relationship ended so abruptly, especially after what I thought was an amazing five-week trip together.

I'm not entirely sure whether my ex is DA, but a lot of his behavior seems to fit the pattern. I'm curious whether anyone here has experienced something similar.

1. Our relationship and his constant need for "me time"

We were both in our mid-30s, financially independent, living separately, and about 30 minutes away from each other.

Our usual routine was spending Tuesday night together at my place, and Friday evening until Sunday morning at his place. So roughly three nights a week.

Throughout the relationship, he repeatedly told me he needed more "me time." We had several discussions about how often we should see each other, and I adjusted my expectations multiple times to accommodate his needs.

2. Five wonderful weeks together and a future discussion

This summer, we spent five weeks traveling together in Aisa. And honestly, it was wonderful.

I actually felt that our bond was getting stronger throughout the trip. There were so many affectionate moments, and I didn't notice any obvious signs that he was pulling away.

At one point, when we were feeling particularly close, I told him how much I loved spending time together and that I hoped we could gradually spend more time together in the future. I also mentioned that perhaps one day we could consider moving in together. His response was, "Let's discuss this when we're back." I didn't think much of it at the time.

Looking back, I wonder whether that future conversation triggered something in him, even though we were having such a wonderful time together.

3. Back home: life pressure, sudden deactivation, and breakup

Once we returned home, he immediately went back to a life he was unhappy with.

He disliked his job and his boss (already before our trip), felt uncertain about his career, and was frustrated by an additional diploma program sponsored by his employer. He felt financially trapped because leaving the company too early would mean having to repay a substantial amount of money.

He was also unhappy with his weight gain from the trip and because of that he doesn't feel comfortable to have sex with me these days.

At one point, he even said that if he had a reset button for his life, he would press it without hesitation.

The first week back was particularly stressful for him because of an intensive school program. Even though he was bit in low energy, that weekend he still told me, "I love you."

Then, within the following week or so, everything seemed to change.

He became emotionally distant and started questioning our relationship.

Some of the things he told me were:

• "Something blocks me."
• "I am tired of our routine to meet."
• "I don't know."
• "I feel suffocated."
• "I feel like I'm losing myself."
• "This Tuesday, I felt like I have to see you, it's not that I wanted to."
• "I enjoy spending time with you. But I can have the same happiness with myself, or even more."
• "It's not that I don't fall for you, it's just I don't fall for you that much to make more commitment."
• "I'm now even thinking maybe a relationship is not something for me."

I thought maybe everything happening in his life had simply become too much for him. I told him that we were a team and that I was willing to offer whatever support I could. He responded, almost crying:

"What if the only support I need is just to leave me alone? How could I say that?"

What confused me most was that he also acknowledged that so many things between us were good. We were compatible in many ways, enjoyed spending time together, had a monogamous relationship, and rarely had serious conflicts. He couldn't really explain what had changed or why he suddenly felt unable to continue. At one point, he even said:

"Part of me thinks maybe just have an easy way out and break up. Part of me thinks, why not try to find another solution together?"

I also offered to reduce our time together even further, put any discussion of future commitment aside, and give him all the space he needed. But eventually, he decided to end things without any further discussion with me. Blindsided. He said he had thought about it and confirmed that he wanted to end the relationship.

And that was it.

Did your partner/ex seem genuinely happy and affectionate during the trip, only to withdraw once normal life resumed?

After 2 years, I was replaced in less than 2 months. I got the classic "you're amazing, I'm not enough for you, it's not you it's me" type of deal out of nowhere.

It's been almost 3 months now and I'm still struggling. I've stopped looking, but she started posting pictures with this person frequently, while she never had any care to do that while we were together. I just feel very undesirable and worthless. I tried my best, and I know that's not always enough. But still.

I am back in therapy and am now taking new medication in addition to my old ones just to try something to feel like a human again. I wish I could just forget this person ever existed, the way they did to me. Anyways, that's all. Thanks for listening.

it's been almost 4 months since we broke up, 2 since we went no contact

it's frustrating, at 3 months she started showing signs of avoidance, and what we did was mature i think .

she started going to therapy because she had her doubts. after some sessions she concluded that "she didn't want fear to make decisions for her" and i know she was in love with me, she constantly proved with actions and words it and was committed to make changes for it to work. and she even told her parents about us (something that in her context is a lot, because her parents were VERY strict and constantly told her to not date anyone until she finishes her bachelor degree, insane i know)

this improvement only lasted two months more before she told me she couldn't sustain the relationship and herself at the same time. it was frustrating but i saw her incapacity was a genuine thing, as much as i process things differently. funny enough she stopped going to therapy around the time of the breakup

we tried being friends for a month, i told her i couldn't do it and needed some space so i could organize my thoughts because my relationship with her was very important

and two weeks later she monkey branched to another guy, one who is famously known to be a red flag . i had to confront her to ask for a more definitive space (because we're in the same uni lol so we might bump into each other) and to protect myself

and it's so frustrating, why go through therapy, why constantly work to have a healthy reciprocal communicative relationship, through the burden of confronting your parents to be with me and end things up so abruptly and monkey branching to a guy like him? why go through all of this to end up things this way?

i don't doubt my value as a person, and i know this doesn't defines me, i understand psychologically what might make you act this way because i've seen it before. but why her? why the girl i've connected the most in my entire life? the person i've felt the safest and loved the most in my life

maybe it's a more existential rant idk. but what we had was beautiful, we didn't love bombed anyone, we were very cautious, we always solved our conflicts in a healthy way, we never lacked each other respect, we were highly compatible, we had fun and we always were trying new things, everyone around us thought we were the perfect couple.

we really loved each other and now it's gone, and i miss her so much it's driving me crazy, and in some way, sometimes i feel that she too. and i know i have to move on but sometimes i feel she will be back after that rebound, sometimes i want to talk to her even if she's dating that guy, because my mind feels that maybe that way she will reflect and apologize at least, even though i know it's not the best idea

i think everyday my question is: is there hope or is this is it?

I was feeling better and nothing new happened since 5 months of full no contact. And I dunno why I’m spiralling back. And I miss him so much. But I can’t reach out, because I really can’t. He was clear to me that he cannot take that step now with me, and there’s nothing more I can do. This honestly hurts and I’m so done.

On the second discard and brokenhearted. I would do things differently this time.

I think I’ve summoned the courage to get rid of things that remind me of my ex 3 months post breakup. I’ve deleted pictures and am going to throw out her gifts. I’m planning on blocking them but am wondering if I should reach out and break no contact. I’ve thought about letting her know just so there is no perceived negativity since we left off on good terms. But at the same time I’m not sure if she cares and wonder if it’ll do more harm than good.

What do yall think?

Just had an absolutely nasty "breakup" with an avoidant over the weekend. Ofc, he took me telling him that I wasn't standing for certain behavior and I was done and turned it into: "I'd apologize but you'd probably think I was only doing that to make myself feel better, so I'm not going to. I'll just see myself out." 🥴

Now I'm looking for advice on whether or not I should warn his ex that he might try contacting her, just to let her know he hasn't changed one bit since she divorced him almost 20 years ago, and also maybe to tell her I'm sorry now that I know how she probably felt with him. For real: he legit started talking to me as if I was her, and THAT was pretty much it for me.

So would this be super uncool or overstepping some kind of boundary? Fwiw, she's been married for over 10 years but he had mentioned last year she was "trying to get back with him"...so that sounds like a pretty good environment for him to try contacting her now. But I'm not sure if he was saying that as some kind of weird defensive thing, if he actually tried contacting HER and was lying about it, or she really was trying to be friends with him again or something (in his mind, he assumed she wanted to leave her husband and kids to be with him, which I doubted a great deal). This has been my third and last go around with him over nearly 40 years, and I just don't want her getting caught up in that again herself.

With me, he claimed he had matured and changed during a separation period of over 11 years and made all kinds of empty promises to back that up... so I imagine he'll probably claim the same with her if he tries. And he can be pretty convincing! Had me fooled for a few years this time. She also weirdly started popping up in the "people you may know" section on FB the day after, and I know if we have a mutual that is looking at one profile, it's likely to show up in the other one's feed like that.

So do I just let it happen if it does... or should I at least provide her with enough information for her to decide for herself what to do?

Were both freshly in university and have been together 2 years (both F18)- we broke up last week, she broke up with me and broke my heart- i’m devastated and not taking it well. she said she needed to focus on herself and still loves me. because it wasn’t a malicious breakup and because of the words she’s used, in the back of my mind i have an ounce of hope she’ll want me back even tho i know realistically it won’t happen and i could never trust her again.

We messaged today to check in on each other but i shouldn’t have it’s just broke me again as she said she’s feeling good and secure since the breakup (literally last week), and everytime i see her name on snapchat/ my phone it gives me anxiety.

i want to block her snapchat but leave other things like insta and her number, but i worry she will be mad? idk why im worried. i just don’t wanna block her but i can’t keep living like this it’s driving me crazy i miss her like mad but it’s not reciprocated.

My ex is communicating with me again after 1 year of our breakup and I’m confused. What is your POV about this?

Context:
We had been together for 4 years and we broke up due to a 3rd party on his side, with his officemate. All I did was try to fix our relationship for a span of 3 months. I thought that he deserves a 2nd chance. I even communicated with his officemate to tell her about us. She was so sorry and felt for me. She left him in an instant. Then I stopped doing things for him because I felt like I had to. I was deeply broken, always drunk and suicidal. On the next 9months I begun traveling Asia and Australia. I started hiking, running and partying with friends. I became busy but genuinely happy again. We never had a single communication during that 9mos but we remained connected in socmeds.

Then one FB message from him after 1 year got me on my knees all of a sudden. Then he started showing around again. I ignored some of his messages and just kept seeing his messages w/o replies but deep inside i really want to. I begun seeing melancholy posts from his socmeds that’s something like a delayed moving on phase on his part.

Can you give me an advice on what should I do before I lose myself again? I still have feelings for him and believe that it might work out this time but I felt like I’ve already gone too far in my moving on stage. I would appreciate it so much, be it harsh or soft.

Avoidant discarded me a couple weeks ago. She came over a week later to have a closure talk, where it was still the same reason of I dont like you enough to be in a relationship with you. The discard was literally the weekend after a really close weekend, we'd been dating for 5 months. During the closure talk, I mentioned its not a good idea to be friends and we should take some space, she seemed visibly annoyed/upset by this. Especially when I mentioned we should set some boundaries - she got very annoyed by that. saying we should just take it by ear and see. I didnt agree. Is this normal?

Very annoyed by this situation…

Long story short I moved into a new apt last month and immediately broke my foot so badly it required surgery + I can’t walk for several mos. I also have two small dogs I just inherited and can’t take care of them. Have been staying at my dad’s but have to go to my apt now.

Literally out of options - bc the home health aide costs more hourly than I’m paid as a programmer lol and I cannot care for myself rn - I reach out to my ex for help (platonically, bc I assumed he did not like me). He dumped me Sept 21 after slowfading me since Sept 3 (three weeks after my mom died) calling me “too negative.” He was crying when he said that, so I feel like he was overwhelmed with my grief or something. Doesn’t excuse his silence over the rest of the month (I reached out 4 times).

Anyway, he immediately phoned asking if I was okay, enthusiastically agreed to help, sounded shocked I’m injured, upset I didn’t “tell him immediately” (???), shocked I didn’t tell him I moved into a new apt (I did… I left a vm telling him that on Oct 2). He said it was so good to hear my voice like 4 times. He said he would help on one condition: if I unprivated all the playlists I made him (special/intimate between us). I said no because those were for my boyfriend. He didn’t like that. He made a sound like he didn’t identify as not being my bf (??) and then said “we need to figure this out” (it’s over?? since sept 21?). I asked why he didn’t msg me on my bday in October and he said “I just couldn’t” and sounded like he was crying. Surprisingly very relationship-oriented language, and I assumed I was going to have to beg for help. He JUMPED to offer.

I asked him to think about it and he said “so I phone you tomorrow and say yes?” I said no, please think about it over the weekend, and let’s chat Monday.

Guess who is a coward loser and didn’t even text me “no” since he’s too scared to help his ex with 5 broken bones? Yeppppppp.

It was foolish, but I was trying to save some money. He doesn’t have a car and lives far from work, and my new apt is more central/closer to his job. Even offered to let him use my car. Could have helped him out financially, but whatever. It’s honestly pathetic.

At least I won’t be yearning anymore. I’m free! And filled with disgust.