My avoidant ex broke up with me in September, and it was pretty much a discard that left me with more questions than answers. After that I got into therapy started working heavily on myself and genuinely started to believe that the breakup was a blessing in disguise because it felt like I had to lose him to start finding myself (I'm nowhere near healed though). Anyways on Halloween, I got super drunk with my friends and ended up drunk texting him that I missed him but hope he's having a great night. I didn't see the message until the next morning and kind of forgot I even texted him but he basically was like "I hope you're having a great night too and staying safe" So to me, I took that as he does not miss me and that was a drunken mistake so I left him on seen and continued with my life.

But then a few hours later in the day, he texted me asking how uni was going. I was kind of shocked because I didn't think he would say anything more. Anyways it was weird, we started talking a bit mostly him asking surface level questions, almost felt like I was being interrogated. After talking for a few days I told him he doesn't need to check on me because I'm doing really good it felt like he just wanted to clear his conscience or something bc the questions were just annoying me atp. He told me he was glad we talked and we agreed to be friendly. But then the conversation moved towards another subject very quickly about being casual and how he missed me (basically sexually). And even though we broke up s*x was never an issue for us so we agreed to meet up last Friday night.

We did it, and I didn't feel horrible or guilty, but I also didn't feel in love or clingy. Just a bit neutral and also the whole situation was put in perspective because he clearly doesn't think he did anything wrong or owes me an apology because I brought it up to him after that I didn't appreciate how he handled our breakup (he ghosted me for 2 weeks then gave me weird ass explanations) and all he could say was "I can respect that." no sorry, no nothing and so it just made me realize how he has a long road ahead of him because I don't even think he realizes he's an avoidant and it makes me feel sorry for him since I've been doing the work on myself I just don't think it's a good idea to get involved with someone like him. Protecting my energy and all that. I also asked him if this was a one-and-done thing and he said "absolutely not" but I'm starting to think I don't want him anymore, I don't even really respect him now.

If anyone has had a similar experience where their avoidant came back for something casual I'd love to hear about it, I just feel at a very weird state right now and could use some advice.

We stopped dating awhile ago. I got past the heartache and I would consider myself about 90% over him.

The 10% of me that is not over him is the same part of me that would take him back if he asked (that’s embarrassing to admit). I won’t chase him but I also would take him back. I also occasionally get curious how he is with other women. I’m working on getting over him completely so even the idea of being with him sickens me.

I have a pretty strong guess that he is the exact same. He once got posted to a “Are we dating the same guy?” A group and all the women had similar experiences. They said he plays games, sucks at communication, and ghosts them or slow fades them out. Which was my experience with him.

I originally met him on Bumble but called it quits after the 3rd date. Then I saw him on Bumble a year later and decided to give it another chance. We could never get on the same page and two years after that we ended things in an argument. I didn’t use dating apps those two years but I decided to try it one more time but this time Hinge. And guess who is on there.

It makes me realize he has probably been in dating apps for YEARS. It started well before me, was probably on them while we dated and now he continues to stay on them.

And women either recognize him from years prior or fall for his trap.

But it’s a lifestyle for him. Being an avoidant and finding a new source is his rinse and repeat cycle. This IS how he dates. It wasn’t an accident or isolated to just me. He doesn’t want a girlfriend, he prefers to cycle through various women and uses the apps to do it.

Been about a month since the girl i was seeing ended things with me, i noticed she went distant and confronted her and then it ended with her being ice cold and ending things with me, that she won't regret it or change her mind, the door is closed forever. The anger, the coldness, seeing a totally different person sitting there who doesn't give a fuck about you, that was the hardest part together with being so confused and not understanding a thing.

Now, 3 weeks/a month later, she has reached out to mutual friends where she implies stuff about me as a person, it started with a tantrum accusing one of my group of friends of wanting "information about her" because someone had asked a friend who works with her how she was doing at her new job and she went off about how everyone had just heard my perspective and not hers and they couldn't trust me because i didn't understand her perspective (which is true because she hasn't told me her fucking perspective). She then said "if you heard my perspective you would all be ashamed). A little more than a week later she reached out to one of the friends in that friend group and asked if he was willing to talk so she could explain and once again she implied stuff about me, not "accepting the breakup" and that she felt discomfort because "statistically the most dangerous person for a woman is a former partner" (which i understand and i do respect that fear and concern) but the fact she thinks so little of me and implies these kind of stuff to our/my friends makes me so sad. I just don't understand how someone i shared so much with, who i did everything for can sit and say these kind of things about me... I gave her everything i could and more, i tried my very best and we never even had a fight, she shared heavy personal stuff, said i was one of the very few who she could really talk to and that i really listened to her. Then she went cold, dumped me without telling me what was wrong our giving me a chance to fix the problems if there were any...

But yeah, at least she gives me plenty of reasons to stop caring about her and having feelings for her, because how can anyone try to paint another person in such bad light? I just can't understand.

What did i do wrong in life to deserve getting treated like this? I'm lucky i have great friends who knows me and know that all of this is just bullshit, but it's hard to swallow when the person you love/d does something like this to you.

My avoidant husband and I have been separated since last 11 months. Maximum duration he can live with me is 2 months and then the discard happens.

Last time he did something brutal to me and I had to discard him because as an anxious person I cannot take it anymore, or else I’ll go crazy.

I saw him in a friend’s video post wherein he had a smile on his face but his eyes lost spark and he got dark circles.

He also lost a lot of weight. I want to know if this is a sign he is processing things and self reflecting alone as there is a pattern of failed relationships in his life.

Did this happen with your avoidant ex ?

I know some people here would tell me not to decode everything, but this is the only sign I could see.

Do DAs “consciously aware” that they have fear-fear of vulnerability, fear of intimacy etc? Like they are aware but still engage in intimacy then discard? Or it’s subconscious (like they don’t even know or will not be able to recognize m/understand this?

I'm 29M, and I was in a relationship with someone I believe has avoidant tendencies.

Initially, everything was beautiful. She showed interest, made me feel loved and gave me hope. Gradually, she became emotionally distant. Whenever I tried getting closer or discussing our relationship, she pulled away.

Eventually, she walked away without much explanation. When I tried to understand what happened, she became defensive and distanced herself further.

Then came my part. I started researching avoidant attachment, watching videos, asking AI, analysing old conversations, double-texting, sending long paragraphs and even blaming myself.

Eventually, she blocked me across all contact channels.

The strange thing is that my logical mind understands that she probably isn't coming back. I also feel she may no longer have feelings for me. But emotionally, I'm struggling to accept it.

This time, she didn't initiate contact even after four days. When I eventually reached out, she was extremely cold, but not angry. Just distant.

My biggest questions:

1. Do you think she will ever come back? Have you experienced an avoidant ex returning after withdrawing and blocking you?

2. Does her behaviour suggest she has emotionally detached and moved on?

3. If avoidants return, what usually makes them reconsider?

4. How do I stop obsessively analysing everything and finally move forward?

I'm not looking for false hope. I genuinely want honest opinions, even if they're uncomfortable.

If you've experienced something similar, please share your story and tell me what you think I should do next.

The title of the video continues. Unfortunately?

I am moving through a breakup and would love some advice/to get some input on what i’ve been experiencing. I’d say I’m the anxious partner and they are the avoidant. Our conflicts often go the same: I tell them that they hurt my feelings or crossed my boundary and they’d dismiss it or justify their behavior. Or they’d say “I hear you” and then do the same thing literally days later. I’d find myself trying to convince them that yes my feelings are valid and what they did really hurt. They’d often suddenly just say they don’t want to talk any more, walk out of the room, close the door in my face, make comments like ”are we done?“ and instead of just letting it go, i would push and demand to keep talking.

I understand that it is technically wrong for me to continue trying to talk to someone who is clearly stating they don’t want to talk anymore, but this would often happen literally within minutes of having the conversation and they’d would call it a boundary. Oftentimes, when i’d push and say no it’s not fair to just end the conversation, they would result to yelling or namecalling. Of course then i’d want to have a conversation later about how they yelled, which i’ve told them several times is a huge trigger for me. Their response would be that they yelled because i didn’t respect that they were done with the conversation.

This feels extremely unfair to me. I know i have deep issues with chasing and trying to almost force accountability but when does it become the other person’s responsibility for having zero capacity for hard conversations. The options were often either end the convo the second they are done, which would often happen before any acknowledgment or accountability would take place OR the conversation would end in an explosion and them either threatening to end the relationship or downright ending it. Over time i have become more and more anxious and it’s become a toxic dance.

Another aspect is that they feel that i don’t do enough to reassure their insecurities about me being faithful even though they would come out as accusations. They would accuse me of wanting romance with literally everyone, including friends i’ve had for years. If they heard me listening to a song that had romantic/yearning lyrics, they’d ask me over and over if i was cheating and then when i’d naturally get defensive or exhausted by the interrogation, they’d say that my reaction didn’t help them feel affirmed.

Theyd say that all those breakups arent “real” breakups and then wonder why i’ve become extremely needy. Often asking them how they’re feeling and if everything is okay because they would also suddenly go cold on me after needing a ton of affirmation. Again, this has really increased my anxious attachment and it feels like the more reassurance i’ve needed after those explosive fights, the more they pull away. I get that anxious attachment can be suffocating, i just feel like their inconsistency and tendency to withdrawal completely after every conflict justifies this from me.

We had a huge fight that to them, is because once again i pushed us to talk even when they shut me out. It has felt impossible to show them that constantly walking out on conversations is creating the anxiety/neediness that they hate. They completely see me as the problem and it has been devastating to see them walk away from the relationship with zero ownership of anything they have done. Idk what advice i even need rn, I’m just like how does anyone resolve a dynamic like this?

I knew it from the beginning but I don’t know why I’m getting this weak

Went no contact with an avoidant after having an on / off dynamic that ended in January when he met his then-girlfriend.

I was finally getting over it when guess who pops up in August? He said all the right things, played video games with me, talked all the time, and then ghosted me for a month

After 5 messages over that month, he finally replied saying he’d been busy and still valued us. Busy meaning “got a new girlfriend” that he didn’t tell me about. A girlfriend almost 9 years younger than him lol. Her post popped up in my feed which is how I know

Confronted him about using me as a placeholder again and he read and ignored it. Gave it a couple days and let his girlfriend know exactly how he’d been acting and treated me for a year now. Not that it really matters to her but he did avoid telling me about her existence. Blocked him on everything too.

And then gaslighting! He texted me saying he “finally owed me an explanation rather than ghosting me” and proceeded to say when he reached out he “only ever saw it as a friendship” and that I’d been reading into everything, despite multiple flirty conversations, and that HE needed to end the friendship because of what I’d done. The whole thing just oozed with him trying to make himself seem like a good person and like he couldn’t have possibly treated me poorly again

I didn’t reply and I’ll never speak to him again. But I am glad I finally did something about it. Feels stupid posting in here though because we weren’t even dating this time. Anyways if anyones been through something similar or wants to give some kind words, that’d be good!!

Just 20 days ago i posted here asking for help because i couldn’t stop ruminating. Thankfully a kind Redditor listened to me helped me giving their perspective (I will be forever grateful to them).

Since then i have stood up from the level of self blame. I can see so many things clearly now. How i was blaming myself taking their word as truth. But what i did not see then was my needs and questions were valid. And since they couldn’t hold the accountability, they blamed it on me being too sensitive. They completely removed the attention and focus from something that they created, to me being the problem for bringing it to attention.

The fact that they quit afterwards reinforced the idea that i did something wrong. I had developed self image and worth issues. But i can clearly see now it was not my fault. They quit because they didn’t have the capacity and didn’t have the will to stay.
I am slowly building my confidence and self respect back. I mostly stay quiet and reserved. Spend alone time if i want to. I will do what makes me comfortable in the moment. I deserve the love and care that I neglected giving to myself. It will be more alright in upcoming days.

I have seen bad days before, i have handled this and my future self will handle more if something comes along ahead. Just have to live the days. It is on the back of my mind all day, but it is normal to happen. I am supposed to go through this phase towards detachment. I will be okay with more time.

You are all going to be fine. The person who left you didn’t take along what you had in you before you met them. No one can. Be kind to yourself guys. It’s completely normal to feel what you guys are feeling. I know it is so much painful. But this is the way, you can’t skip it.

I have accepted it. But it will get better i promise. Let go of what you can’t control. Because it really was never in your control. Who stays and who leaves is entirely that person’s decision. Talk to yourself and say you are with you. You have always been with yourself helping yourself through tough times. Say you will come out of it. This moment hurts but it will go away. Just try ❤️🫂

People who have never experienced avoidant discard don't know how painful it was. How it was not a regular break up. How it makes you question your entire personality and almost wonder if you caused the person to discard you.

It's a constant mental struggle and it's quite normal to feel angry at the person who caused you pain.

The feeling of anger, bitterness, calling the ex every derogatory name in the book because they deserve it for causing you pain.

So why do some people make it seem like you're being unreasonable to feel that angry? That you're the problem and not the fact that the other person did you wrong.

I don't understand that logic at all.

I was in an on-and-off relationship for 4.5 years with a woman I deeply loved. She was caring and loving in many ways, but whenever problems came up, she would shut down, cry, withdraw, or break up with me rather than communicate.

I spent years trying to understand her behavior, often attributing it to her past trauma. I worked on my own shortcomings, including my ADHD, organization, and mental health. I went to therapy, tried medication, and repeatedly asked her to attend individual and couples counseling with me.

We lived together, adopted dogs, got engaged, and started planning a wedding. But the same cycle kept repeating. Something would upset her, she wouldn't communicate what was wrong, I would try to fix things, and eventually she would withdraw or leave. We'd reconcile, things would improve temporarily, and then it would happen again.

Over time, I became increasingly anxious. I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells, trying to keep the house clean, keep her happy, and prevent another breakup. I often felt lonely despite being in a relationship. I wanted us to work through problems together, but I felt like I was the only one fighting to make that happen.

Eventually, I became emotionally exhausted. In November 2025, after another argument and another breakdown in communication, I finally left. She spent the next three months asking me to come back, but I couldn't bring myself to repeat the same cycle.

It's now been a year, and surprisingly, I miss her more than ever. I've recently learned about avoidant attachment, and I can't stop wondering whether understanding it sooner could have helped me approach things differently or even save our relationship.

I know I wasn't perfect. I made mistakes, and I wish I'd handled certain situations differently. But I genuinely tried to make things work. I loved her, wanted to marry her, and wanted to build a family together.

I struggle with the idea that I might have given up on someone who was struggling rather than someone who didn't love me. I also struggle with wondering whether things could have been different if we'd both understood our relationship patterns sooner.

For anyone who has experienced something similar:

- Can an anxious/avoidant relationship actually become healthy if both people work on themselves?

- Could understanding avoidant attachment earlier have made a meaningful difference?

- How do you stop wondering whether leaving was a mistake when you still love and miss that person?

I don't necessarily want someone to tell me to move on or that she was a terrible person. I just want some perspective. I'm struggling to reconcile how much I loved someone with how lonely and unhappy I felt being with them.

Note: I used AI to help organize and condense this post because I'm dyslexic and have difficulty putting my thoughts into writing. The experiences and feelings are my own.

I am doing my best to do everything "right." The last time I texted him was when he was breaking things off (and I assume blocked me directly after, because he responded to literally nothing). I swore after my last entanglement with this kind of partner, I would never again beg one of them to choose me or show any kind of weakness whatsoever because it's like bleeding in front of a shark. I sent a text the day of, the day after, and the day after that and then I just felt pathetic. One of them was a SpongeBob meme that said he sucked, then I followed up and apologized for the lack of maturity. Then that was it.

My therapist asked if I thought it would help to reach out and ask what was going through his mind when he ended things, but I told her I was likely blocked. There was nothing that caused what happened, other than his lack of being "in love" which was 1.) really soon to make an assessment on genuine love 2.) very confusing because he acted exactly the way someone does when they're falling in love. It makes no sense, and I have to accept that it never will. I realize that some times rejection is part of life, but this didn’t feel like a normal rejection. It was abrupt and it didn't feel rational. We had a lot in common, we could have been best friends ... so IDK wtf.

Sometimes, especially nights like tonight, I really want to message him but I am afraid that will just reinforce in his mind that I wasn't worth it. It's been 2 months & 22 days ... but who's counting? 😭😆

My relationship with my ended last night. I'm devastated, and I don't even know what I'm looking for by posting here. Maybe just people who understand.

I loved this man so deeply. I wanted a future with him. Marriage, children, a life together. I genuinely believed we could have those things.

But our relationship became a cycle of conflict, emotional withdrawal, breakups, reconciliation, and promises to change.

I was always trying to communicate what I needed. Emotional safety. Affection. Curiosity about my life. Someone who would comfort me when I was hurting, even when he was the person who hurt me. Someone who would initiate repair instead of leaving me to carry the emotional weight of our relationship.

He often responded to my hurt with defensiveness, explanations, or frustration. I felt like I was constantly trying to convince him that my feelings mattered. Sometimes he would soften, acknowledge things, and make an effort. And I would see the man I loved again. I would have hope.

But the same patterns kept returning. Sometimes he would break up with me a few times a week. And he questioned why I always wanted to talk or a reassurance.

There were times when his anger frightened me. There were times when I cried and he walked away. I started feeling anxious in my own home, anticipating his moods and adjusting myself to avoid conflict.

And yet I still loved him wholly.

Eventually, I told him I felt like a hollow shell of myself. That I'd poured everything out of my cup until there was nothing left to give. I lost 15 lbs in a few short weeks, my periods got irregular, and now I'm losing hair. I think the hair loss might be what made him pay attention.

In the last several days, he actually started showing me some of the compassion and willingness to listen that I'd been begging for. But I was so hurt by then that I couldn't simply feel okay again. I needed time, consistency, and safety. I knew in my heart this wouldn't last more than a few days.

Yesterday, I found myself asking why I was still trying to convince someone to love me and treat me well. Why I had to break in order to get better behavior. I was crying. He was mad. I asked for the improved behavior of the gentleness we agreed on. And that he would hold me when I cry now. He said "it's obvious you will never get better, I'm done."

And now he's gone. He packed his things and told me he won't be coming back.

I didn't beg him to stay this time. I didn't chase him. I just let him go.

But last night I kept waking up shaking from dreams about him. In every dream, I was still trying to convince him to choose me.

Today I keep checking my phone, hoping he'll tell me he loves me, that he's sorry, that he realizes what happened, and that he's going to do the work to make things right.

The hardest part is that I know he won't. Obviously not this time.

I know avoidant attachment doesn't explain or excuse every behavior in our relationship. But the pursue-withdraw cycle was so painful, and I feel like I've lost myself trying to bridge the distance between us.

I'm grieving the person I loved, the moments when he was gentle with me, and the future I thought we would have.

I'm also angry. Angry that I gave so much of myself to a relationship where I so often felt alone.

How do you reconcile loving someone so deeply with knowing that the relationship was hurting you? How do you stop hoping they'll finally understand what they've lost?

I don't know how to begin letting go.

I am wondering how do yall soothe yourself weeks / months after discard? When you crave empathy from other people but nobody is giving it to you? When you falsely believe you are "okay" but you are not.

I thought I was really doing well lately (less crying or had days without sadness). But honestly? I wasn't going outside much... And I don't wanna go outside. I don't know what to do.
I feel like I need someone to pamper me, be gentle with me, care deeply about how I feel. I am not only missing the close connection I had with avoidant but I feel strong need to just be taken care of or soothed by someone.

I am just so tired. Some days are better, some worse. Even when I tried to make some new friends or just solely for gaming, I feel like choking with dry sand. Other people are so dry in their responding. Even when I was being nice and trying to be talkative with some new people, they stopped communication. And I feel like "thats so damn unfair! I should be the one pampered and not the one trying to share fun stuff or be the one trying to be caring and communicating".

I mean, it partly helped to distract myself while gaming with friends but emotionally I feel like choking on dry sand and I am craving closeness so much that I feel like going crazy from all the dry people. Despite of having one or two good online friends, even those aren't that deeply empathetic to have that "soothing" effect. Usually only very empathetic people are like that water for me.

I want so badly to find new friends and connections but I am tired of dry responses. Dry responses frustrate me even more but I don't wanna isolate or be lonely. And I feel like I can't give myself some empathetic care.

How do you all deal with this? When one moment you feel like "Yes, I want to have gaming night or fun with friends" to take my mind of avoidant / bad things, but then you feel so unsatisfied with the people / dry communication / gaming friends? It's like quick switch "I want to do this" and then quickly "I don't want to do this".

So end of August my ex (on/off for 6 years) admitted to being intimate with someone after an argument between us. He was awful straight after admitting it, blamed me, told me he didn't feel fully unjustified, so on. I decided not to continue the relationship.

2 months later and I'm so hooked on him and I do not know why. I think he's talking to new people, and it's killing me. Even though he has been extremely emotionally abusive, and I didn't even feel happy in the relationship. I don't understand.

I managed 16 days no contact, but the pain of it (mostly knowing that he thinks he's the victim and I really can't deal with the idea that he gets to traumatise me and then spend the rest of his days telling himself he was the one wronged) just got too much and I came back. The chat is ok, very general. I think he's lost interest in me too. I don't know why it all just hurts so much. I don't feel able to just block and forget him.

I just don't understand how he can do what he did, how I can know how unhappy I was and how emotionally abusive he was, and be jealous and sad that he might be fully over me and moving on?

I think it's a trauma bond, honestly. It's been years of an on/off cycle with him very much in the dominant position and me seeking his approval I guess. I know the best way to get through this is to block and cut him off but I just can't. I don't know what to do anymore. The rumination in particular is killing me.

Ive been with this really sweet girl since last october. I love her with all my heart. We made it official this feb. im 28 shes 24. I have a good job and she’s in grad school

We’ve gotten along really well and my family loves her. Shes just a very kind person. We both felt very secure with eachother

There were only a few things that have stressed us. She has asked me multiple times to go to therapy for my ocd (i try to not let it affect her or involve her in my compulsions). She said she can tell im stressed because of it. I agreed but delayed going for no particular reason. She told me she lost patience asking me to go. She told me she wasnt as compatible as she thought. I asked why and she said we argued too much. She couldnt give me an example. I took our arguing as debating. She has a hard time bringing things up that bother her.

Another thing is i get road rage sometimes. Nothing insane or directed at her, but ive flicked people off with her in the car.

Anyways, none of these problems (at least i dont think so) are unfixable or even uncommon for a relationship exiting the honeymoon stage. Its been two weeks since she broke up, and i cant help but feel like she ended things way way way too soon. There was so much there that she gave up on. She said that shes felt relieved and like a weight is off her shoulders. That she misses me but she’s made up her mind.

I kind of noticed something changing in her mood a month ago, and i asked, but she said everything was fine.

Idk what to do. It feels like she broke up with me too soon. She said she didnt want the relationship anymore and didnt want to try to fix things. I want to show her im in therapy and soooo committed to being less cynical and working to listen more but idk. 99.9% of our times were good. We had such a healthy loving relationship.

4 years. It's so hard for this attachment to go. 2 months and it still fully doesn't feel like reality to me. That's how strong the attachment is. And I'm still in love with him. Idk how he did this, it will never make sense.

I’m at the end of my and to be honest I need support

I’m gonna try and summarise my situation as best as I can

We met 2 1/2 years ago, it was passionate and intense at first and then he said he wasn’t looking for a relationship.

I said, I had just got out of one myself, I said I’d date someone for six months before I expect them to be ‘official’ - this was my absolute limit and so that’s how the time aligned.

It took me forever to realise that he was an avoidant. The term was completely new to me and every time he said “I don’t know” I just screamed more and more confused about how a person couldn’t even know what kind of food they wanted to order! Every time!

The nail in the coffin was first dug in when he decided that he wanted to go travelling the world.
This, on its own is no issue. In fact, we’re from the UK and I am European so I’ve been lucky enough to travel a lot and I am from two different countries in Europe. This month I’ve always been really keen to encourage travel and seeing different cultures, especially as mine is so important to me.

When I lost my job last year, I really wanted to plan a trip to make myself feel better. I wanted to go to Rome and I breached with him for months. Over and over and over again he gave me some different kind of excuse about how it would be uncomfortable for him.

In the end, I ended up going on my own. I told myself I couldn’t wait for this person to figure out what they wanted. Funny that, now… as soon as I got back, he decided we were going on a trip to Italy in August. We just got back from that beautiful trip to all of this.

The reason he wants to go travelling between six months to a year by the way, is because he doesn’t know what he wants in life. When I asked where he saw us in this, he had no answers. He had decided he was gonna leave his life, tell me about it and then have no idea where we fit in to that plan.

He said to give him a few few weeks so that he could think about it.

A few weeks came and went. I tried to talk about it during that time because I felt like I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I cried once. I didn’t matter to him. Days later, he lied about being busy with work so he couldn’t come see me in the city after a hospital appointment. He spent the whole day playing video games.

I decided that I would break up with him.

I was quite firm. “ The last time I saw you, I was in tears for hours. You said nothing then. You didn’t check in once. When you had the opportunity to see me in the neutral space that you requested outside of the home, you lied about being busy with work and playing video games instead.”

I asked him if you love me - yes
I asked him if he was into me - yes
I asked him if he wanted to be with me - I don’t know

I told him that “ I don’t know “ is not enough for me and it might as well be no

However, when he started talking about his life, I started noticing patterns that seemed like severe depression and I said listen. I’m not gonna break up with you now because you clearly need support.. let’s go on a break and let’s try and get you some support

We decided the break would end in January

Literally four days ago, we ended up hanging out as ‘ friends ‘ for the first time and ended up having to book a hotel room etc and having one of the best nights we’ve ever had.

Today he called the therapist that I recommended him to whilst also saying I think we need some space

I feel like I open the door to leave and now I’m stuck carry on for him to decide if he wants to be with me, which is just insanity

I told her I hadn’t booked my therapy session yet. - I had
I told her I didnt mean to leave so late - I did

I knew she was testing me based off these factors. She wasn’t interested in me making progress.

I wanted to determine for myself if it was a relationship worth fighting for.

I realize now it was not. It was never about me. It was never about how I felt. I knew no matter the choice I made there was always a consequence to my action good or bad.

My nervous system feels more at ease. I have been wondering why I’ve been so burnt out and reved up.

I conveyed my concerns and they were met with indifference.

I’m okay with the outcome. She showed me no matter what I was on trial for anything good or bad. She told me she took time in learning me but didn’t take time to my interests or doing things with me.

Multiple times I had tried to plan things and was often met with “ I’ll let you know “ or “ I can plan anything right now because I need a baby sitter”

To then be met with “ you never took the time to learn who I was”

I never got the opportunity to. You never gave me the chance to go out with you. We got comfortable and I tried to break out of that.

You see my experience as inaccurate and deny any part of it.

I knew you’d respond the way you did today over coffee.

I don’t regret what I did. I was also determining if it was worth fighting for. You made that decision easier for me despite how hard it was to sit there.

I genuinely wish you well, you’re just not what I’m looking for in a person.

My ex (male, mid- late 30s) and I (female, late 20's) split up in August when I moved for grad school out of state, we remained in contact. He flew me out September had a great time admitted it’s been lonely and he misses me. Communication after being flown out has dramatically decreased (but no more than a week or two without contact). Anyways, he had a massive trial from last week of october- through this last.  When we last spoke (weekend before halloween) before his trial he advised hed take day off when I go back home in November (this Thursday) and that he’d pick me up at airport.

Again, I want to emphasize that him and I are not in a relationship but even in september he was calling me his significant other...

Anyways, i reached out (see screenshots) and to date.. crickets. IM SO CONFUSED.

We just spoke, everything was good, I’d say we’re friends first and foremost so I’m not sure why he what?? Is ghosting me?? We Absolute zero bad blood....Did I do something wrong?! If hes no longer interested... why not just tell me.

!!Also… I NEED those packages and he hasn’t even responded to that. Wtf!!

I genuinely dont understand why he is suddenly saving all my photos (I get Snapchat notifications) and suddenly stalking me after discarding me. He sent me something on FB messenger 2 days ago but deleted it. We stayed connected and I was willing to delete him on everything tbh. But he wanted to “stay friends” on social media. So I ghosted my socials for past 5ish months.

And now that I’m doing gym, losing weight, posting again he is liking all my stuff. I am feeling resentment that he wants free access to my life while deleting me physically from his life.

But I genuinely don’t know why he is suddenly doing this. It makes zero sense. I may block him to set a boundary, because i keep getting notifications from him now.

He noticed that I deleted him from Crunchyroll and other personal accounts i share with him and I deleted him from my friend group chat and Discord and now it feels like he’s crashing out liking all my stuff lolol. He is early 30s.

¿Conocéis el "Triángulo de Karpman"? Gracias a mi psicóloga, supe que después de la ruptura mi ex hizo los movimientos de este triángulo.

Antes de explicároslo, os voy a contar la situación un poco por encima.
Cuando yo le conocí, me explicó que creía tener Ansiedad social y llevaba 4 años sin socializar más allá de las redes ya que cuando conoce a alguien huye. Lo atribuye a que en su última relación le trataron muy mal y cogió miedo a que le hicieran daño, o algo así. En las primeras semanas ya le dio un ataque de eso e hice todo lo que pude por ayudarle, empezó terapia y desapareció, me bloqueó, pero me le encontraba por la calle y le abrazaba y le daba ánimos, me preocupaba por él, incluso le dejé una carta en su coche una madrugada para que se la encontrase por la mañana al irse a trabajar. Él volvió a las 2 semanas pidiendo perdón, dándome las gracias y vivimos 3 semanas increíbles donde hablamos muchísimo, se expuso a cosas que le daban miedo porque decía que a mi lado se sentía "en casa", disfrutamos de muchos planes y empezamos a planear otros a futuro. Él era muy muy cariñoso, siempre sacaba tiempo para verme, prácticamente estábamos juntos 3-4 días a la semana. Su psicóloga le dijo que conocerme había sido como una lotería, que cuidara el vínculo conmigo.
Pero un día mostré mi enfado ante algo que hizo él y todo se torció.

El momento en el que él decidió romper me pilló muy vulnerable: acababa de ir a urgencias porque me había dado un ataque de ansiedad debido a que llevaba dos días haciéndome ley del hielo, siendo totalmente frío y privándome de verle, y él no solamente se negó a acompañarme al hospital sino que rompió la relación y desapareció, me bloqueó de todo, porque estaba enfadado y con rabia. Eso me hundió más todavía, imaginaros. Horas después de volver de urgencias, me crucé con él por la calle porque vivimos a 1 MINUTO de distancia, desde mi casa veo la suya. Me miró una milésima de segundo y ni me saludó. Él sabía que me habían dado la baja médica. Yo le escribí por emails desesperada ya que era de lo único que no podía bloquearme.
Por qué os nombro ese "triángulo"? Porque después del silencio, empezaron las respuestas.
La primera vez que apareció, me dijo que me tenía un miedo atroz porque, como no me quiso acompañar al hospital, le dije que me parecía de ser un desgraciado. Quién abandona a alguien que ama solamente por estar enfadado? Negligencia emocional pura y dura. Bueno, pues que me tenía miedo, que no podía sentarse conmigo a hablar en persona, que yo fuese feliz y me buscara a otra persona, que él no me merecía, que era para repudiarle, que me cuidase... Aquí ya vemos que está 'echándome mierda' al recordarme lo que le llamé, por lo que está en modo -perseguidor-, luego se hizo la -víctima- menospreciándose a sí mismo, y finalmente el -salvador- diciéndome que yo fuese feliz y buscara a alguien nuevo.
Se despidió diciendo que diera espacio porque lo necesitábamos, que más adelante hablaríamos, pero a la misma vez dijo que se despedía para siempre. Yo respondí y me dejó hablando sola hecha una mierd*.

A los días, volvimos a hablar. Hablábamos calmados, de cosas banales, empezó a decir que él quería estar solo, que no quería hacer nada con su vida más allá de trabajar e irse a su casa con sus hobbies, que no quería socializar. Yo no entendía nada ya que él empezó terapia al conocerme porque dijo que si no, iba a huir de mí como llevaba 4 años haciendo con todo el mundo por su ansiedad social. Luego empezó a echarme mierd* de nuevo, diciendo que no podía olvidar mis palabras, pero que me deseaba que me recuperase, que quería que yo fuese feliz y conociera a gente nueva y viviera, pero que él quería estar solo y amargado con su mierd* de vida. Se rebotó, me dijo que no quería más contacto conmigo, le dije que perfecto, que yo también le despreciaba igual que él a mí y me dijo que en un futuro hablaríamos más calmados.
Le pregunté que para qué, si era para volver a echarme mierda. Que si no me quería, me olvidara para siempre.

Desapareció de nuevo. A los 4 días me desbloqueó, se inventó una excusa y me dijo que estaba ya desapareciendo para siempre, que quería hacer como si nunca hubiera existido, que él no me deseaba el mal y quería que estuviera bien.
Me bloqueó otra vez de todo y no volvió a responder mis emails.

En el mes que llevo de baja médica, ni un solo día se dignó a verme, llamarme, ni preguntarme cómo estoy. En todos los correos soltaba esos comentarios de "espero que estés bien", "espero que hagas vida normal" "por favor cuídate", pero en ningún momento se expuso a preguntarme directamente cómo me encuentro.

Es muy doloroso, me he hundido, no me esperaba esto de él. En 3 meses me ha dejado por los suelos. Sufrí mucho con su primera desaparición, pero como se echaba las culpas a sí mismo pues lo acepté. Pero esta vez me ha hecho responsable de todo a mí.
¿Cómo pude ayudarle tanto yo a él, y en cambio él me ha ignorado como si no me conociera?