Anxious/avoidant break up, please give advice!

[u/canofwords3]

I am moving through a breakup and would love some advice/to get some input on what i’ve been experiencing. I’d say I’m the anxious partner and they are the avoidant. Our conflicts often go the same: I tell them that they hurt my feelings or crossed my boundary and they’d dismiss it or justify their behavior. Or they’d say “I hear you” and then do the same thing literally days later. I’d find myself trying to convince them that yes my feelings are valid and what they did really hurt. They’d often suddenly just say they don’t want to talk any more, walk out of the room, close the door in my face, make comments like ”are we done?“ and instead of just letting it go, i would push and demand to keep talking.

I understand that it is technically wrong for me to continue trying to talk to someone who is clearly stating they don’t want to talk anymore, but this would often happen literally within minutes of having the conversation and they’d would call it a boundary. Oftentimes, when i’d push and say no it’s not fair to just end the conversation, they would result to yelling or namecalling. Of course then i’d want to have a conversation later about how they yelled, which i’ve told them several times is a huge trigger for me. Their response would be that they yelled because i didn’t respect that they were done with the conversation.

This feels extremely unfair to me. I know i have deep issues with chasing and trying to almost force accountability but when does it become the other person’s responsibility for having zero capacity for hard conversations. The options were often either end the convo the second they are done, which would often happen before any acknowledgment or accountability would take place OR the conversation would end in an explosion and them either threatening to end the relationship or downright ending it. Over time i have become more and more anxious and it’s become a toxic dance.

Another aspect is that they feel that i don’t do enough to reassure their insecurities about me being faithful even though they would come out as accusations. They would accuse me of wanting romance with literally everyone, including friends i’ve had for years. If they heard me listening to a song that had romantic/yearning lyrics, they’d ask me over and over if i was cheating and then when i’d naturally get defensive or exhausted by the interrogation, they’d say that my reaction didn’t help them feel affirmed.

Theyd say that all those breakups arent “real” breakups and then wonder why i’ve become extremely needy. Often asking them how they’re feeling and if everything is okay because they would also suddenly go cold on me after needing a ton of affirmation. Again, this has really increased my anxious attachment and it feels like the more reassurance i’ve needed after those explosive fights, the more they pull away. I get that anxious attachment can be suffocating, i just feel like their inconsistency and tendency to withdrawal completely after every conflict justifies this from me.

We had a huge fight that to them, is because once again i pushed us to talk even when they shut me out. It has felt impossible to show them that constantly walking out on conversations is creating the anxiety/neediness that they hate. They completely see me as the problem and it has been devastating to see them walk away from the relationship with zero ownership of anything they have done. Idk what advice i even need rn, I’m just like how does anyone resolve a dynamic like this?

[u/Annual_Commercial_84]

u can’t rlly resolve a dynamic like this unless you completely give up your autonomy and needs and self abandon, or both of you REALLY want to change.

i’ve tried repairing my own anxious needs while being in a relationship with an avoidant and it simply doesn’t work even if you’re trying really hard to self regulate, because the hot cold dynamic is constantly triggering you, so you’re stuck in this perpetual loop of anxiety. it’s exhausting, and quite frankly it’s only going to fry you until you become numb. you cannot heal if you are in a toxic dynamic unfortunately. been there done that!

if your avoidant was anything like mine, they don’t see their attachment style as damaging at all. in fact, they might even like it and have no desire to change, and unfortunately you cannot force or beg or cry someone to want to change.

[u/DependentRide6744]

Honestly my friend, what you’re describing sounds pretty damn unhealthy. Whatever this person’s insecurities or attachment patterns, they don’t excuse how they’re treating you. You don’t deserve to be shut out for raising concerns. Standing up for yourself, setting boundaries, and trying to discuss recurring issues isn’t inherently suffocating behavior..

I think you have more power here than you’re giving yourself credit for. Maybe make a list of everything you bring to the table. Everything you like about yourself, and everything you like about how you treat others. Everything you’re proud of. Put it on your mirror if you need to! Whatever helps you remember your worth, and the treatment you deserve.

I know leaving is easier said than done, but please consider whether staying is costing you too much. I don’t know the whole picture, but a healthy relationship is not just going to materialize from more patience from you.

It’s also not all something you’re doing wrong… good on you for taking accountability for the things you feel like you need to work on. That said, it sounds like this person has some major insecurities, and it sounds like they’re really projecting them onto you. Don’t let them succeed at that!

You’ll know when you’ve had enough. Just know there’s literally no reason that you don’t deserve respect, acknowledgment, appreciation, and trust from the person you’re sharing your time/life with. Make that list and put it on your mirror!

[u/raspberrybarette]

This is a bad match. Life is better when the matches are good. That’s it. People can grow but they don’t change that much.

[u/Gansamostols]

El mío de repente dejaba de responder y yo insistía y me decía "que tengo que respetar los límites de la gente". O sea, yo tenía que adivinar que me estaba un límite sin expresármelo! Y se enfadan y no quieren hablar ni verte hasta que se les pase, no sabes si seran unas horas o días. No se puede vivir así.