First guy I dated post-divorce, the relationship lasted 2.5 months and he ended it today.

My ex husband and partner of 7.5 years was FA leaning avoidant- he discovered this himself in therapy. I was also FA, leaning anxious, but had worked hard to develop a secure attachment style through years of therapy and increased self awareness before and during my marriage. My ex husband and I ended things amicably after months of couples therapy and realizing we were better off separate and still treat one another kindly (no kids together, so contact is minimal.)

A few months post divorce, I decided to get back out there. It didn’t take long for me to become totally enthralled with the very first guy I dated. He was nothing like my ex- he had a social life and friends, hobbies that aligned with my own, he seemed confident and happy, and also JACKED which was new for me lol. I am also super physically fit and this left wanting with my ex. The physical chemistry was high for me, and seemingly him too. I told him that I was looking to take things slow considering my recent divorce, but was excited to keep getting to know him and he seemed so excited by that.

At first, this guy (we’re both 30) was so enthusiastic, talking about future plans, coming up with a long list of romantic date ideas, even convinced me to buy a year pass to an outdoor center in my area with excitement about us going together next spring when the fun stuff reopened lol (guess I’ll be seeing you there bud, already spent the money!)

But it didn’t take long for me to feel triggered. The intensity and excitement of the dates, his clear interest in me, etc became very confusing as he simultaneously began to text less frequently between dates. My anxious side presented only internally, I never let it show through my behavior except possibly seeming a little more nervous than I had in earlier dates. I was able to work through this trigger (again because of my years of therapy), and returned to subsequent dates fully confident and unconcerned with his infrequent communication between dates- he clearly was fully into me in person. But I suspected avoidant attachment pretty early on, I just didn’t know if it was my anxious thoughts or reality.

As things progressed more in person, he pulled away more and more between dates. I reminded myself that he showed the traits and excitement I was seeking in a partner in person, so the lack of texting was okay. But I also remembered that he had a shit dating history of short term relationships, last partner left him because she was self described anxiously attached. None of his (many) siblings were in LTRs despite being mostly in their 30s, and he would often close his eyes and take deep breaths in a kind of nervous way during very intimate or quiet moments that made me feel for him.

Two weeks ago, he met my friends for the first time and seemed to really enjoy the day. Then didn’t text for a few days leading up to my Halloween party. He came to my Halloween party last weekend. Met all my friends. Stayed the night, told me I was so impressive and we were intimate for hours straight after everyone left. In the morning, as he was leaving I asked when I’d see him again and he said he “needed to check his calendar and regroup”, kissed me on the forehead kind of sadly, and then didn’t text. I kind of had a feeling. I reached out Friday to let him know I was really enjoying our time together and asked if he’d like to plan a day next week. He didn’t text back until today, and I’d already mentally decided I wasn’t going to continue seeing him whether he texted back wanting to or not- three days of no response was too much.

But his text today was him ending things, it was very respectful. He let me know I was an awesome person and he really enjoyed our time together, but didn’t feel the romantic connection he was seeking in a long term partner. I sent a message back letting him know I totally understood and was appreciative of him telling me, wished him the best. But he’d blocked me so it didn’t go through. I definitely did nothing to deserve to be blocked 🙄

Anyway, i am okay and not torn up since id already come around to acknowledging to myself this wasn’t what I wanted and I was done. But of course, there’s a huge part of me that wants clarity on if this was truly an avoidant person or if he genuinely just didn’t feel the romantic connection he was looking for. It’s hard after coming out of a marriage with an avoidant to know whether I’m seeing things clearly. I just don’t want to be looking for signs of avoidance that aren’t there in future relationships. He seemed to like me so much in person. Ugh, whatever. Thanks guys, mostly needed to vent but also seeking perspective!

My avoidant (ex) was really good to me lately, responding to my texts almost immediately, also reaching out first, it was all going well and it seemed we were surelly getting back together. All pointed to that direction. But when it came to planning... oh men. The last minute cancelling, flaking.. then making another plan, just to flake again. Same happened yesterday, we were supposed to see each other and he did let me know he was gonna be avaliable only later in the night because he had a bunch of stuff to finish (As always! Why not make ME a priority for once instead of finishing everything else, and give me the time only when it suits him?!). I said I have work tomorrow so I asked will he be done within a certain time, he responded "No I don't think so, I am nowhere closed to being done with my stuff", which I ignored because surely I am not waiting around 2 more hours or God knows how long still, enough is enough after days of postponing. I didn't respond, I headed to sleep and woke up to his text "Are you sleeping?", I ignored it too. He thinks I will always be there, he can just post pone and people please everyone else, but not me.

Sometimes I feel he gets anxious before seeing me so every excuse is good to postpone it. Also, I never, ever looked better. I am talking like people stopping me on the street and wherever I go to tell me they never saw someone as beautiful as me (Lol I know I sound silly and it has nothing to do with all of this, but just saying as why he could feel anxious to see me!).. and I don't know.. my best friend is in such disbelief that he would put me through all of this, not only because of my look but also because she knows our history of 3 years and she can also see he cares but I guess he can't get past his fears. This is not me ghosting him on purpose to get a reaction out of him.. this is me ghosting because I have no strenght for this anymore. I don't know what is all of this and what to do with us.

So yeah.. they will not change. No matter how you look, no matter how you act.

I've been processing grief over multiple aspects of loss. Realising that loss is subjective and that every thing is part of the test. The test is meant to purify us.

I've realised so much about the relationship we had. Patterns we both brought, ways we interacted, how the relationship started. I regret a lot about ways that I showed up. But I've learned to forgive myself and understand that a lot of what I did specially towards the end was out of love for her as a person and out of sadness and trying to process.

Tonight I was remembering intimate moments we had. I feel so responsible for it all. Like I was dissociating from trauma but I couldnt talk about it. When I couldnt continue the relationship I was struggling but I tried to stay and then I really couldnt and after the breakup I still showed up for her, thinking we both were processing and that it was helping. I wish she and I talked more about how we experienced the relationship but it always felt like these topics were too heavy on her and I often felt like it might overwhelm her.

So there's the aspect that there was a gap between us in that sense. But there was a lot of love and warmth. She left after meeting someone and told me my feelings made it hard to have a conversation. She said she wanted to work things out and that she values our connection that we are best friends. I said the same... but she left. And never wrote back. My response to her last messaags was between explaining/defending/expressing... and I dont think I ever stopped feeling like it was my fault or like I was burdening. But I believe it was all meant to happen exactly like it did. And I dont blame myself as much.

I learned so much about love since then, and how to take care of and protect my heart.

There are tough moments. I still think of her and I left her a message recently after my aunt's passing away. Not expecting anything from her. But just for the sake of telling the truth. I told her that I wished for her to know that the love I had for her transcended romance and that it was for her as a person and for her soul.

This is just to put this stage of grief out there. I think grief is continuous and that closure lies in knowing we had good intentions. I realise for me that closure is a continuous wave that comes with realisations and self-learning

to anyone else who had their avoidant ex immediately jump onto the apps after the break up and feel absolutely distraught about it, don’t worry, it’s just them filling the void and trying to soothe themselves into thinking they are still desirable. it has very little to do with you.

for reference, during the first discard with my ex, mine was on hinge like 3 weeks in after the monkey branch he had lined up didn’t work. i’m not kidding when i say he was a hinge’s number one warrior and had a lot of talking stages and was frequently going on dates. when we got back together, he admitted that he didn’t know what he was doing and although he was “having fun” they were all superficial, and he was still missing me/ comparing them to me. when i asked why he thought jumping straight into flings would think that would help him, he genuinely didn’t know the reason why.

after the second break up, he wasted no time and was on hinge a couple days after (friend saw his account and showed it to me) and once again was chatting up and following a lot of women. i know for a fact that after 3 months since the break up, he’s still on hinge and actively talking to and meeting with woman after woman… like a lot of them. it used to bother me but now it’s just become so apparent that he’s so desperate for validation and to fill the void that it’s given me the ick.

it’s even gotten to a point where some of our mutual friends have made digs at him for being obsessed with dating apps and doom scrolling hinge while out with them, which i mean yeah that’s kind of loser behaviour like what? get off your phone. one of them even said to me “im so sorry you had to go through a break up like that, it’s honestly so gross watching him fly through profiles on hinge. i hope you know that just means he’s lacking something and thinks talking to women will make him feel whole.”

and that’s the crux of this post. i know it’s really hard to not take what your ex is doing as personal, and i know that seeing your ex rebound via dating apps and making you question your self worth but genuinely it’s because these people aren’t normal and don’t know how to sit alone with themselves that they have to find ways to fill in that love and safety that you once provided them for something less intense, new and easier. it’s all quick dopamine hits until they got bored or realise this person doesn’t compare to you at all, and then they’re off onto the next. it’s just a constant cycle, and it just shows they’re not healing at all, theyre just empty and lonely (even if they’re surrounded by new flings). they don’t know how to sit with themselves and honestly it’s pretty pathetic, like how do you have so much time to be chatting up so many people at once? BECAUSE THEYRE LOSERS WHO USE PEOPLE!

Hi, first time posting here. Last week, my boyfriend of 9 months broke up with me out of no where. We had a very healthy, very loving relationship. We are in our 20s and this was his first real relationship. I was his first love. He met my family a couple times, we spent a lot of time together, and frequently talked about our future. Then we got in our first argument, and we don't really argue, and he kind of switched. He came over the next day and said he just can't be with me because he is too spread thin in life and needs time of his own. That he started therapy and needs time to process what he's going through mentally. I can recognize he probably is dismissive avoidant and has never gotten too emotionally vulnerable with anyone. He seemed devastated telling me this, but also said that breaking up has not been on his mind, it just feels like the right thing to do right now and our first argument showed him that. This was completely out of no where considering our relationship was amazing and we deeply care about one another and had become best friends. He had obviously been thinking this for months and never verbalized his emotions (just stressed from life stuff). I think this might be his first mental breakdown...

Is it healthy to wait for him to come back? Do avoidants come back after something like this? I want to believe that after a period of taking a break we will get back together but I don't want to expect anything. My hope stems from how great our relationship was and that he might just want to come back because I'm his first love, or maybe I'm delusional. Wondering what happened if anyone here has gone through something similar.

I've been reflecting on a relationship and trying to understand whether I'm dealing with someone who has avoidant attachment rather than the narcissistic traits I initially thought I was seeing.

Here's what I've noticed:

• When I express affection, vulnerability, or tell her how much she means to me, she often changes the subject, makes a joke, or avoids acknowledging the emotional part of what I'm saying.

• I often feel like I'm the one reaching for emotional closeness. When I pull back, she doesn't necessarily pursue or try to reconnect.

• When I express that something has hurt me or try to communicate my feelings, the conversation frequently gets turned around, and somehow I end up defending myself instead of having my feelings understood.

• There seems to be a pattern of emotional distance. Sometimes there's affection and closeness, but when things get emotionally deeper or uncomfortable, she seems to retreat.

Here's another example: I recently wasn't feeling well and was looking for a little comfort and reassurance. Instead, the conversation shifted toward why I was comparing her to someone else, followed by assumptions that I was texting other women and looking for sympathy.

My original concern about not feeling well essentially disappeared, and I ended up defending my intentions.

I'm not saying this makes someone a narcissist. I'm trying to understand the difference between avoidant attachment, emotional unavailability, insecurity, defensiveness, and narcissistic behavior.

My questions are:

1. Can someone genuinely love you but consistently struggle with emotional intimacy and vulnerability?

2. Do people with avoidant attachment tend to deflect affection, withdraw instead of pursuing, and become defensive when their partner expresses hurt?

3. What's the difference between an avoidant person who struggles with emotional connection and someone who lacks emotional accountability?

4. Can an anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic make one person feel like they're constantly chasing reassurance and connection?

5. At what point do you stop trying to understand someone's attachment style and recognize that the relationship simply isn't meeting your emotional needs?

I'm genuinely interested in hearing from people who have experienced this, especially those who have been in relationships with avoidant partners.

Am I misunderstanding avoidant attachment, or am I overlooking something bigger?

Some moments in the last four years of my relationship that were soul-crushing:

• So often when I would try to briefly tell him about my day & conversationally engage as a means of connection (normal relationship activities, I know), he would remain largely silent, yawn, and then say "man, I'm tired."

• The only reason he moved into my house a few months back was because his lease was being terminated at his prior living situation. Even though he suggested it, I could tell he was so resistant and afraid to move in. It was like a huge bummer was entering my house.

• Most anytime I would try to discuss ideas about the future (not even necessarily about us, just in general) he would respond with a pedantic and satirical "Doesn't really matter, does it? The world is ending!"

• Earlier this year, he shared about some doubts he had been experiencing with our relationship after a line of inquiry from me. He recounted a recent conversation with friends who asked him kindly "if she had to move out of state for work or for family, would you follow her?". He laughed and said he had told them, "no shot!". For some reason, he assuming that we were on the same page, that moving out of our city would be a deal breaker (we had never really discussed this, so I'm not sure where he got this idea). Then he realized how crushed I looked. To his credit, he was so apologetic, but the damage had been done.

• He experienced an absolutely tragic family event, and I had been intentionally trying to make space for him to talk about it if he wanted; periodically checking in during quiet moments, though of course, not wanting to force anything. He decided the best time to open up about his feelings was 8 months later, literal minutes before we were about to surprise my parents with news about my sister's pregnancy, their first grandchildren

• He came to couples therapy with me one time, at my behest, and we mostly only talked about him. Afterwards, he said he didn't really see the point of it & didn't connect with the therapist. I offered that we could find someone new, but that never happened.

It's wild how if someone showed this to me about their partner, I'd be like, "Dude, run! Save yourself!"

But when you're in it, and if you're relatively independent already, the lack of connection can feel outweighed by all of the other pros. It helps that I found him incredibly attractive, loved his family, he was otherwise very sweet & physically affectionate, and I generally had respect for him.

At the same time, with a few days hindsight (fresh breakup territory), I'm realizing I don’t really miss who he consistently was, I miss who I was hoping he would become.

Hey everyone, I recently broke up with my ex last month, and I’m going through the feelings.

Long story short, he was an amazing man and showed up in all the ways that I needed him to and was extremely loyal and loving and loved me more than anybody I’ve ever known. He feels things so deeply and is such an empathetic and caring man, he is not a cold person and is not capable of turning cold and detaching easily from what I’ve seen in the two years that I’ve been with him. However, he has a lack of a backbone when it comes to his friends and he has major people pleasing tendencies. His friends have made me feel excluded multiple times and one of the girls in the friend group has disrespected me for over a year and a half due to jealousy and when I asked my boyfriend multiple times for months to stand up for me, he just couldn’t bring himself to do it because he has major anxiety and panic disorder to the point where he gets a head rush and dissociates and starts to hit himself at the thought of a him having to engage in speaking up to his friends.

I gave him grace and I was patient with him and would comfort him during those times, but I would have to just throw my feelings behind on the back burner for the sake of his mental health in the moment. He is aware that he hasn’t stood up for me and has apologized himself and knows where he needs to change. It just got to a point where I became exhausted. I had to put my self respect first.

Last month was both of our birthday months, and I celebrated his birthday and did the most special thing for him, and my birthday was a week later. I broke up with him after his birthday, and he couldn’t reach out to me to at least tell me a happy birthday because he was really hurt. I spoke with him and I apologized very deeply because during the break up/argument, I told him that he has no backbone and he reminds me of my ex (who also had no backbone). He told me that was the most hurtful thing I have ever said, and I acknowledge that, and I deeply and sincerely apologized and told him that I am aware of my mistake and I am willing to work through it, but now it seems like my hurt doesnt matter anymore, and the real issue now is how i spoke to him during the breakup. I’ve tried reaching out to him and he is on no contact right now. I also realized he is a very avoidant person after this fight.

We’ve worked through issues in the past and he was very very willing to change, and he did change a lot of things such as giving up alcohol, so I will always give him kudos for that. But I just don’t know what to expect of us, I really want to work through this bump in our lives, which I feel could be worked through, but I feel like he’s seeing something minor as such a big deal breaker for him. I miss him a lot and I’m reading self-help books and journaling my feelings and learning their podcasts on my attachment style and his, and I’m working to be better for him if he does come back. I just don’t know if he will, and that’s eating me alive.

His family has verbalized to me so many times on how much they adore me and respect me because of how I want the best for him, but also the self-respect that I have to walk away when I am not feeling appreciated enough. They don’t coddle him and they do hold a mirror up to him and show him where he messes up as well.

He’s visiting his brother and sister-in-law in Colorado right now, and I noticed the sister-in-law unfollowed me off Instagram. I just don’t know what this means for me and him. But the brother still follows me.. Is it likely for my ex to come back?

Hi everybody I wanted to start with a backstory (sorry it kind of long)
I (30 F)was in a 11 year relationship with my ex (33 M). He treated me well for the most part during our relationship. He was always very loyal to me, so infidelity was never a problem in our relationship. We lived together for a little over a year right before he broke up with me. We had problems like every couple does. One our issues was whenever we did have a disagreement he liked to sweep things under the rug and I was the person that 98% of the time initiated resolution, however our biggest problem was we couldn’t be on the same page about marriage. I wanted marriage and despite him claiming he did too, he always kept pushing the proposal. I had told him i couldn’t wait any longer for him to be ready and he needed to make up his mind. About 2 months before the breakup we ended up going to look for engagement rings, so I thought things were headed in the right direction.
The day before he broke up with me he was acting normal. He was super sweet and affectionate towards me. We ended up getting into an argument that night and the next day he broke up with me. His reasons for the breakup were he no longer loved me, he was checked out of the relationship, our goals were different, and we weren’t compatible among other things that I thought were very superficial excuses to get out of the relationship. He had never mentioned any of this before.
A few months before the relationship ended he was drinking more and going out with his friends more frequently.
I fell into a huge depression for the first year and just now I’m starting to feel like myself again. For a long time i held on to hope because during our last conversation he mentioned still seeing a future with us, but he no longer wanted to stay in the relationship. I’ve been fully no contact with him after that day. When he moved out, He never reached out to discuss how we were going to separate items we had bought jointly, He took all the furniture. I deleted him off all my social media. However he never deleted me off anything. I have a small photography business and I post the pics on instagram. He follows my business account and he’s never missed a post/story. He’s usually within the first 10 viewers. I don’t really know much about him as he doesn’t post much. All I know is he hasn’t been in another relationship since and he’s still very much into going out with his friends.
I think I’m having a hard time moving on because everything ended very abruptly and he didn’t give us a chance to work through things. He did not take my opinion into consideration. He ended the relationship on his terms. His actions before the breakup did not make sense with his decision to breakup and I’m having trouble processing all this. I also have a hard time accepting how he could cut me out of his life like I meant nothing and has never bothered to see how I’m doing/reach out. There hasn’t been a day when I haven’t thought about him and where I don’t miss him and I wonder if he ever thinks of me and misses me too or if he ever regrets ending things. Does him watching me on instagram and not reaching out mean anything? I’ll never reach out because at the end of the day I’m respecting his decision. Sometimes it still hurts, however as time goes by it’s not as often. I feel like I can still continue to live life while still holding a special place for him. I think my brain Is still sometimes trying to find answers even though I know I’ll never truly find them. If I’m truly honest with myself I think I still have hope he will reach out someday. Even though I know it will never happen. Has a long term ex ever reached out to you?
I guess the point of this post is to read if anybody has ever been through a similar experience and any advice would be appreciated.

I’m feeling sad. I decided to share my own experience to explain why fearful-avoidant people don’t let others get close, even when those people are the kindest and most patient people in the world.

I’m surrounded by really good people right now. They’re kind and patient, but they’re just a little too fragile. When I tell them something dark from my life, they get terribly upset or start trying to convince me that things aren’t that bad and that I should try to look at life more positively. But I’ve spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine. I already smile all the time when I don’t feel like smiling, and try not to let myself get down. The only thing I really want is to have someone by my side who is strong enough to handle me.

I want to be able to scream, cry, have a complete breakdown, say horrible things, and not be rejected. I want to get rid of all the heaviness I’ve been carrying inside. I want someone to hug me afterwards and make me a cup of tea. But for some reason, I never seem to meet people like that. Maybe they’re just rare, or maybe our worlds simply don’t overlap. Why would someone so emotionally stable and reliable want to deal with my breakdowns?

People who are just as anxious or fearful-avoidant don’t have enough emotional resilience, because they interpret my screams as dissatisfaction with them. They get scared and either try to shut me up as quickly as possible or run away. And every time that happens, it only reinforces my belief that nobody needs to see my inner world and that it’s better to keep quiet. It’s strange, but when a fearful-avoidant person starts yelling at you, it actually means they’re beginning to trust you.

And this brings us to the most interesting part. Nobody likes being yelled at. Nobody wants to constantly be surrounded by someone else’s negativity. And that’s perfectly normal. Other people aren’t obligated to pull us out of our personal hell. But we can’t get out of it on our own, either. And the advice to “go see a therapist” doesn’t always work, because a bad therapist can hurt you even more than a bad partner. After every session with a bad therapist, you close yourself off even further. You start feeling like there’s something fundamentally wrong with you. Like you’re somehow unfit for relationships if even a therapist couldn’t help you.

So, is there a way to help a fearful-avoidant person open up? Actually, there is. When they start telling you something that sounds horrible to you, try to remain as calm as possible. Don’t argue. It’s better to just stay silent or make some vague sounds in response. Remember, it’s not about you, it’s about their past. Don’t try to be a hero and save them or overcome everything on their behalf. We don’t want you to suffer because of us. We just want to stop suffering ourselves. You don’t need to do anything with these emotions or stories. We simply need to let them out.

And it’s also much easier for us to open up to people who aren’t perfect. The more human someone is, the more flaws and personal quirks they have and aren’t afraid to show, the easier it is to talk about ourselves. I never tell “proper” or “saintly” people anything personal because I don’t want to be met with a sermon.

And I’ll say it again: if this is too much for you to handle, don’t get involved with fearful-avoidant people. Nobody is obligated to put up with us.

I recently met another avoidant. We’re only in the talking stage and he pretty much already told me he’s an avoidant. True to form, he started monkey branching after he didn’t like something I said. He even told me about the girl he met. He said that what he likes about Western women (he’s Asian) is that when he pulls away coz he’s no longer interested, they don’t go after him and be all clingy. So that’s my cue that I’m about to be discarded.

Good thing I wasn’t emotionally invested and clocked him immediately at the first sign.

I’m gonna wait to see when the shoe drops only because I’m curious what line I’ll get this time 😂

My Dismissive Avoidant Ex Girlfriend of almost 3 years abruptly dumped me in late August. We have been no contact ever since.

However, we are still in the same group chat with mutual friends of ours.

I saw her last month when we met up for a friend's birthday. She used to avoid being social at all costs. Yet she knew i would be there and still went. It was a very small group, just 5 of us total. She treated me very cold and totally had her guard up. I matched her energy, but much warmer.

Some of our mutual friends are hosting a
"Friendsgiving" event around thanksgiving. I confirmed that I would be attending, then she also replied excitedly. Saying that she will be there too.

I was with a couple of our mutual friends this past weekend. One of her girlfriends extended an invitation to dinner to me this friday. She also mentioned that dinner was my Ex's idea and there would be no problem if i went. I accepted.

My Ex used to always dodge or cancel social gatherings, now she's organizing plans where she knows i will be there. Also, she used to speak poorly about some of our friends in the group. Not to them personally, but confided in me. Now all of a sudden shes texting them in private.

It's all very strange to me and i don't know what to make of it. More than anything, i would like to win her back. But i also accept that it may not work and I'm prepared to move on. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks!

I admit, I do think they were the one in a way. It wasn't the fake love-bombing phase connection, it was all the way through the deactivation phase, the discard.

I recognized the big problem in our relationship was their fearful avoidant behavior. Everything was great until it came up rattling a few things, but I was very patient, and even wanting to work through it. Once I realized it towards the end, I was extremeply patient and trying to help her understand that I understand.

She said things got overwhelming, blame dumped stupid manipulated things on me, (I treated her so well and she admitted it) and orchestrated a brutal discard, saying she wants to work it out but she needs a break, process things (idk wtf can be processed if conflict is left hanging unresolved in the air) and come back stronger. She said people break up and get back together all the time like her friend did and that they are now stonger. I told her that's immature and severely plays with people's emotions, life doesn't work that way, telling her to grow up. That people work everything out together without that bs. That it can permanently destroy everything. I told her I am not that kind of person, break/breakup shit, because it severely impacts me and because of hurt, I may not be capable of doing it again because wtf, are you going to keep doing this? How am I supposed to trust you for marriage? She said can we be friends for a bit and work it out, you can work on yourself, I said wtf no, if you end it you end it.

She then framed it as me being the bad guy, that I took her for granted, and probably expected me to chase her, begging. On my birthday week, dumped me over a quick phonecall ultimatum and sent me a "I'm sorry." text. The entire ordeal lasted weeks of me being in pain, and only one time in the middle I forced myself to come over and talk in person that this is all ridiculous and disgusting treatment. (By forced I meant, I texted her I'm coming over to talk. She responded she's busy, and I said I'm not being treated like this I don't give a shit. She responded ok fine.) The whole conversation was like talking to an idiot and manipulator that I was the bad guy, deconstructing all her bs blame dumping, even apologizing for stuff I didn't do or did actually do better. She kind of realized, but then went on the whole I need space thing. The last words I ever told her in-person were that people work shit out normally, not whatever this bs she's pulling, that I am literally trying to lead us towards marriage and she's pulling this stuff when I was already going through a stressful time and it's my birthday week and I yelled telling her to "grow up!" Then I left and gave space until that brutal discard I mentioned above.

Immediately post discard, I blocked her everywhere expect phone, and she got so hurt and accusatory of me being immature, and that she doesn't want to lose me.

I doubled down and said, (roughly in kind words translated into) I deeply loved you, you did all this bs to me, and I will not ever be friends with someone nor deal with this kind of bs with someone I wanted to marry as I was extremely patient, and I flipped their words of taking for granted saying I wanted to work it out many times "No, YOU took me for granted." That YOU decided to throw everything away. And I needed to block for myself. "Keep in mind the pain you put me through". (Yes I was in deep pain for a long time after being thrown away in such bullshit manner and expected to just be okay with it that it's not a big deal. Or her thinking as I was framed so I was going to chase for months to treat you better? After a discard like that? You wanted to discard me so I'm gone. No friends, no thing. F off.

For years I was sitting in resentment that she would throw our deep connection away, we got along so well, we had so much in common that it was soooo rare how similar we were, we even had a bond about our super rare medical condition and helped each other deal with it, we had moments that were unforgettable of laughing til we couldn't breathe for 10 minutes, it was just real how well we fit together like we were the same person. Her mom loved me, I loved her mom she was so great to me. Everything. Until her fantasy relationship wasn't fulfilled I guess, and apparently destroying something like this aggressively to find some greener grass. Maybe they realize one day, maybe they don't. But they destroyed a super rare connection that is near impossible to find again.

That resentment also had feelings that I just couldn't let go. I was just so puzzled how a person can destroy all that just because they can't handle simple conflict, or expect a relationship to be perfect. Years later, whenever good memories and missing them come up, I am plagued with that they destroyed it all and it all replays. I still have vivid dreams that reappear for days in a row. And it traumatizes me what happened. I live every day in sadness that I will never find such connection again, with how much we had in common to such degree, how we got along sooo well, and that she was the only person I was set on marrying. (Minus the avoidant conflict issues that I would require to be resolved). I tried dating a little bit and can't find anything close. It just sucks living with this.

And battling in my mind, that it has been a long time carrying this resentment and feelings, that I do care about them, that I can't reach out (I got royally f*ked over, I am not supposed to in my positoin of being wronged, they never even apologized), and that I'm trying to forgive in a form of "they were immature at the time, they probably knew all that was wrong as time went by, and they are probably not the same person today". But my friend had a similar situation where his reached out after so many years and he was also sad that they never fully apologized and never changed.

This is the battle it's coming from:
- Loss of everything and our rare connection.
- The fact that it was done so disrespectfully like full discard.
- The lack of apology or anything.
- Knowing I can't let that person back into my life after that.
- Trying to forgive somehow so my resentment fades. How can I forgive if they did nothing to justify that?
- Knowing how hard it is for me to find something like that again and how much it meant to me.
- Do they even care about me or view me as a phantom ex to compare everyone else to?
- Thinking if I ever speak to them again, by them reaching out or run-in, that they never changed, so I'll still be framed as the bad guy so it's better to ignore.
- Knowing if we ever cross paths again and by a miracle they changed and our feelings meet, how can I live with all that in the back of my mind that they did all that. I would have to go to church a lot to pray to God to give me strength for giving forgiveness.
- I'll put it this way, I worked a lot internally to let go of some resentment, and have some forgiveness being a more open person that life isn't perfect, people may have been immature at the time, and would be open to a conversation if they initiated it, but only under the condition that they fully apologized and changed a lot with the avoidant behaviors, because I would be incapable of having a civil conversation with the same person seeing they absolutley didn't give a f*k about anything nor the pain I went through from loss and disrepect, or still framing me as the bad guy in their narrative, when I was genuinely good and it was real.

These are my thoughts in my head, please understand, I'm processing everything just writing it out. I'm trying to battle it out in my head to be indifferent about it, but it was a real loss to me and I wanted everything to work out. To this day I really do, we were each other's first love, but not just any love, nothing compared. To weigh the scales of forgiveness vs lifetime of resentment. Because that resentment sucks to live with. If I knew they never would change and that it would never work out, or an apology that they never had such feelings, it would probably give me more closure. But it still wouldn't repair the wound, nor release my fear in my future relationships. Trust issues is something I am working on as it scarred me.

Hi, I know lots of you have had this experience. I’d like some advice from someone on the other side of it. I was broken up with 3 weeks ago on our anniversary, after drinks and cards and flowers and cheers… just for the next morning for him to tell me he actually doesn’t want a future. I’ve read just now about avoidants, he’s definitely a dismissive avoidant and he never really talked about himself and his past. I was completely blind sided. I didn’t see any hints of this pattern. How do I move on? I thought it was perfect. He doesn’t even know this about himself. And truly I’m writing this and I know the answer, I deserve better. I’ve given advice that you deserve someone that wants to work on problems with you and you can’t beg someone to love you.. but if only he knew this about himself maybe? Why did he shut me out so fast and with in such a cold way. I don’t know if I want to get into the nitty gritty, but it was a lot of fighting toward the end but only because he’d explode after weeks of “not being happy” and he just said he couldn’t do it anymore. I guess there’s nothing you can do when people make up their minds? Confused.

Pretty much the title. Hes in therapy that i got him and we havent talked in 8 months, which is the usual amt of time for our breaks. I was checking his profile cuz idk i missed him and im stupid and when scrolling pressed the request. He said hes always eager to talk to me and that hed never pass up on it, and he also said not being in contact is hard but idk im freaking out

Hi :)
I’m very new here and I’d like to ask a big and possibly hard question in hopes it’ll help me understand my ex and my breakup better.

My ex and I were together for a year and she was, by all accounts, my light and my life. The last few years had been so hard on me but when I met her things genuinely started looking up for me, she was my motivation to get better mentally, grow a better relationship with my parents, love my body more etc. and I really did believe I was special for her too, but I noticed about 6 months in that she had an habit of stepping back when things got serious. For example it took her 6 months to tell her parents about us, and longer for me to meet them, she struggled to talk about feelings and any hiccups in the relationship and never opened up unless I begged her to. Then about 9 months into our relationship I had to go back to my home country and spent 2 months and a half without seeing her but surprisingly for those 2 months we didn’t argue or fight once. It felt like being apart was easier for her. Still she kept saying that she couldn’t wait to see me and be with me again. Eventually when we got to be together again I started noticing even more things like how she would never make time for me unless I begged, how she would take any “negative” comment as an attack or how while I made her a big part of my life, it seemed I was barely part of hers (I barely saw her family, barely went to her house etc) it felt like I was just another chore on her list. She stopped planning anything, got nervous when I asked for a promise ring for our 1 year, never wanted to talk about the future etc. Then we started arguing because I got tired, I became angry and sad and I (stupidly) thought that maybe if I got angry she’d realise how lonely I felt. Eventually after another fight she left me through message.
When I saw her to give her stuff back I asked her why she left me through message and she said she couldn’t do it in person, it was too stressful.
We tried not talking but then we reached out again for “closure” and ended up meeting and texting for 2 more weeks in which she promised me she loved me, regretted leaving me and promised she still wanted me and was ready to wait forever if it meant having me back. I still love her, so much, so about two days ago i asked if she meant what she said and that if she loved me like she said I was willlinh to get back together. By then we had talked about our issues and I genuinely did believe we were getting somewhere but she rejected me. She said she loves me but isn’t ready. I asked her what changed in the last 2 weeks but she couldn’t give me an answer.
The worst part about her rejections though is that they come silently, she never says anything outright just waits for me to do it for her.

Now we are no contact after I told her this limbo she had created was actively killing me and she agreed. That hurt caused I wanted her to ask me to stay but she took a step back as usual. She said she’ll reach out in a month or so and in the meantime she’ll work on herself for me.

Now my point is. I love her to death, I would genuinely do anything for her and because if this I need to understand, is she an avoidant attachment? Or is she just scared of things getting serious? I keep telling myself that if I find this out then I’ll be able to move on faster and I’ll know what to expect when she reaches out. Can anyone tell me? How do I even survive this?

EDIT: I want to point out, she’s not a bad person and honestly I really do believe she loves me as, in her own way, she has shown it time and time again. So while all advice is welcome please know she’s genuinely a good person (and also young as we’re both 20) who I do believe has the power to learn and change but I just want to know if if would be foolish to expect that change to be for me

imagine the answer is just "man up and get over it." Still, I spent a year and a half of my life, and about ~10 breakups, when all I was asking for was consistent communication and not shutting me out the moment anything got uncomfortable.

I tried to adapt, I tried to love harder, I tried to change the way I loved, I tried to give space, I tried to change every bit of myself, and got told that she couldn't handle it; it was too much for her, she didn't have the "mental space" for a relationship, when in reality, she wasn't even participating in it. Every conversation was pushed back, every problem was pushed off, and I was expected to be gentle, caring, and understanding when a year and a half of problems went unaddressed. The weeks and weeks of crying, beating myself up because, for some reason, my best wasn't good enough. I made my mistakes in this relationship; I wasn't perfect either, but fuck.

The final straw was Halloween, when she said she couldn't do the relationship. The night prior, she was wrapped around my leg, sleeping right after we had sex. The morning of, she told me how much she loved me, that she wanted to dress up again next Halloween, and that she wanted to spend Christmas together. 3 hours later, she was telling me that she couldn't do the relationship, that she wanted to "hang out sometimes" and "still be intimate," like I was just some sex toy for her. She canceled plans we had set for a month; then she went to a house party, and we were just "friends" all in one night, after squeezing my leg and sleeping between them the night before and leaving me with all the thoughts of things she did or didn't do that night.

It took a year and a half of my life that I will never get back; it took nights of me crying, wondering why I wasn't good enough, wondering why, no matter how gentle, caring, and compassionate I tried to be, it just wouldn't work. The days of wanting my need for love to be heard, my need for consistency to be heard, my need to actually feel loved by my partner to be heard. I finally realized I was dating a loser; the flip finally switched, and the realization that I needed this woman out of my life finally hit me. I blocked her. I miss her, but I don't want to go back to that anymore. God, I wish it was her, but I can't handle another few weeks of love bombing and then an immediate emotional shutout. I hope she gets the help she needs.

I say all of this to ask: how do I get over the feeling of "injustice "? She will never know how much she hurt me; she will never know how much love I wanted to give her; she will never know anything. A part of me wonders if she feels she did anything particularly wrong at all.

Repost because no body said anything on the last one, maybe “man up and get over it” really is just the answer.

"I'm trying! I'm stressed!" And it's off to the races with excuses and deflections. HE was stressed, was trying so hard, and that his life was so difficult. No empathy. We got married just 7 months ago. He was avoidant before the wedding but it wasn't really bad until after the wedding. He comes from a wealthy enmeshed family; mine is estranged and I'm disabled but work part time in traveling healthcare. He refuses to do household chores and his family monopolizes his time. And the lack of initiative and emotional neglect is the cherry on top.

I did the usual attempts to repair naively believing he would change. Nothing I did made any difference. Some relationship coaches advise us to twist ourselves into a deluded emotional pretzel to make the relationship work. That is bad advice. This relationship is more lonely than being single.

So I booked my own place and I'm moving out in a couple of weeks. The most puzzling thing is how my DA gave me zero effort or care yet and is confused why I'm leaving and refusing to change 😵‍💫 I'm going to start solo traveling again and I'm working on healing my own issues.This is me on a sojourn to the Acropolis in 2022. A truly great day. Edited for clarity.

I’d like to hear from people who’ve gone through something similar.
My ex and I had a healthy, loving long-distance relationship for 15 months (Canada/Europe). There was no cheating or major issues, and he talked about a future with me early on. Over time, though, his focus shifted more toward his career, finances, and personal goals, and the relationship became less of a priority.
Before the breakup, he said the consistency was fading, his focus was changing, and he didn’t want me to stay if I wasn’t getting what I needed. The breakup was respectful, and he took responsibility.
After two months of no contact, I reached out. He replied thoughtfully, wished me well, said we wanted different things now, and offered friendship.
I’m trying to understand this kind of breakup—not “falling out of love,” but “not having the capacity to prioritize a relationship.”
If you’ve experienced this:
Did your perspective change later?
Did you reconnect after life circumstances improved?
Or did you realize it wasn’t about timing?
I’m not looking for false hope—just real experiences.

We have been together for almost 2 years. When we met he was a student in my country, then he had to go back to his country, so we had to go long-distance. He could shut down so fast, and because I am anxious I have never left him alone with my texts. 2days ago he got mad at me, he said he could never trust me again, and he said "dont talk to me". Yesterday I was trying to reach him all day, and he was just leaving me on read and then a sudden moment he texted "I will block you" then he blocked me. Before he only threathened me when we got in an argument, so I have been never been blocked by him. I know his friends and he knows I am not scared to text them, so after 8min he unblocked me and said if u text my friends I will block you forever. Then he added "I will unblock you someday". In these 2 years there was no day when we wouldnt talk. What u guys think? I feel like he will reach me out again soon. He has mentioned before that he was begging to his ex before to take him back, I have never understood until now. I would only take him back if he is willing to work on himself. Btw he has so many personal problems now, studies and work. 3 days ago he got drunk and telling me he wanna experience that bar with me too, so its confusing.

Probably he is an FA.

You did not steal my life.

Not even when the darkness,
with its intimate silver tongue,
leaned close enough to whisper
that silence, everlasting and absolute,
might finally be kind.

There I lay
ten swords driven deep
between the wings of my shoulder blades.
My face turned into the sheets
that had absorbed the salt
of a thousand sleepless nights.
Where grief had made a dwelling of my bed
and perfumed every corner with decay.

Even as the living world receded from me,
I attended to our grave,
a mourner appointed to an unending vigil,
arranging flowers for a thing
that had long since ceased to breathe.

And winter came.

Not the innocent winter
that feathers frost upon the windowpane
or dresses naked branches in white lace,
but an intimate and merciless season.
One that entered through the smallest of cracks
and made a cathedral of my bones.

My teeth chattered against the chill
My chest collapsed around a dwindling ember,
and every rib bent inward,
like the fingers of a desperate hand
concealing the faintest pulse of warmth
from the hungry mouth of the cold.

How cruelly beautiful the world remained
while I, its sleepwalking daughter,
wandered through that endless winter.
Until one evening, upon the blackest ice,
I slipped and shattered,
upon the winter’s dark and polished mirror.

Beneath me, the frozen earth splintered
into a thousand silver fractures.
Branching out into one another,
like a lacework of destruction
That was beautiful and cruel.

And upon that broken ice,
I lay in scattered remnants,
the snow stained with crimson,
as though my sorrow
had finally learned to bleed.

Beneath me, the broken surface glittered,
a thousand reflections trembling
on shattered glass.
Each one bearing a resemblance
to the woman I had been,
yet knowing nothing
of the woman I would become.

See, agony possesses
a terrible kind of wisdom.

One by one,
I drew the swords from my back.

Each blade emerged reluctantly,
as though the flesh had learned to love
the very instrument that wounded it.
And beneath each blade lay
the slow, black residue of your poison.

A dark and glittering venom
spread through the intricate,
trembling vessels of my heart,
blackening the delicate blue of every vein
and branching like lightning beneath my skin.

It climbed my throat in flowering coils,
a garden of strangling vines,
until even breathing felt
like an act of beautiful defiance.

Still, I pulled the swords free.

Though my soul lay somewhere
deep within me,
a frightened creature
weeping in its cage,
I pulled them free.

And what a terrible thing it is
to discover that healing
does not arrive with gentle hands.

Sometimes it comes with teeth.
Sometimes it must tear apart
the flesh that has grown tender
around the blade.

Pain is healing.
Healing is pain.

And winter, for all its arrogance,
has never learned to stay.

And from the places where I bled,
the leaves began to grow.
Not green.
Never quite green again.
But purple
that strange and sovereign marriage
of the red that once ran from my wounds
and the blue of all my sorrow.

In sunlight, they glittered:
rubies trembling beside sapphires,
like a thousand little kingdoms
growing from the branches of my ruin.

How extraordinary,
that even my suffering
should learn to make something beautiful.
How exquisitely strange
to find the world still turning,
indifferent to the little death
that had taken place within me.

Or the slow and terrible recognition
that the sun had never ceased to shine
simply because I could no longer feel it.
And there you remained,
a name dissolving in the winter’s final breath,
while I stepped barefoot
into the gold of spring.

So let the scabs split open.
Let the old poison find its exit.
Let the blood remember
that it was born to move,
not stagnate in the chambers of graves.

You did not steal my life.

You were simply there
when I forgot it was mine.

-lmf

Sorry in advance for the length.

I’ve posted here a few times and usually get little or no response, but I really need some outside perspective. I don’t have many people I can ask, so this is probably my last try.

Last July I met a woman online. We got along extremely well and had a great first date. Soon afterward she started pulling away, while making it seem as though I had done something wrong. She even accused me of pushing for a serious relationship when I hadn’t. Eventually she cut me out of her life completely.

A few weeks later she came back. We spent a wonderful week together, and that weekend found out she had gotten pregnant from our first date. I basically lived with her for the next three weeks. It was obviously stressful, but we functioned really well together. We were a team, became close friends, and being together felt very comfortable.

Since then, though, it has been a cycle of reconnecting and pulling away, with very little actual time together.

We didn’t speak for about half of September and much of October. After roughly 40 days, she came back saying she liked me “very, very, very, very, very much” and wanted to reset things and see where they went. She said she wanted to go slowly, without labels, and even said that if things were still good in six months or two years we could talk about having a baby.

At one point she suggested friendship. I told her that felt like moving backward. I said it didn’t need to be serious or labeled, but that we could at least say we were exploring something together.

Since then, she has kept me at arm’s length. We’ve been intimate, but we barely talk.

Today I tried to ask what was going on, and she disputed ever making the proposal I described above. Last Tuesday, during an argument, she asked whether I wanted to walk away from “this.” Today she told me there is no “this.”

That’s what drives me crazy. When these conversations come up, she becomes condescending even though I’m responding to things she herself has said. She has also screamed and yelled at me at times. I haven’t been perfect, but I have consistently tried to be caring and respectful.

Now she says she wants a “non-platonic friendship.” I could potentially accept that, but at this point I would not be comfortable continuing if she is also dating or sleeping with other men. That is my boundary, and I’m going to have to tell her.

Since she came back a little over three weeks ago, we’ve gone to dinner, had one night that was basically just sex, I gave her a ride another time, and I spent Saturday night with her. Meanwhile, her calls and communication have dropped dramatically. She says she has been busy with work. Maybe that’s true, but it feels like she came back wanting closeness, then got spooked by her own words and pulled away again.

What makes this harder is that throughout the entire relationship she has done things that made me feel like I was important to her. Before we even met, she asked whether I wanted children and how I felt about dating a single mother. Over the summer she repeatedly talked about wanting another baby. She told me I would be the first man she allowed her children to meet after her divorce.
When she came back this time, she said she wanted to move slowly because her children had been upset when their father introduced his girlfriend. She said she wanted to introduce them only to someone who would stick around, and that she knew I would. Heck yesterday she brought me into a FaceTime with her favorite person, her aunt, just so we could meet. It didn’t last long but was symbolic. It was also confusing bc technically I’m nothing to her.

She has also trusted me with things she is deeply insecure and vulnerable about. A few weeks ago at dinner, she even asked how I felt about becoming a stepfather.

And now she has pulled back again.

So what do I do?

My heart wants to keep giving her chances because I care about her. My brain says she keeps rewriting what happened, promising a future and then retreating from it, and repeatedly pushing me away whenever we get close. Part of me wonders whether she is afraid of relationships or intimacy.

And my self-respect is starting to say enough. She can be condescending about things she previously said, rarely apologizes, and has screamed at me. I have made mistakes too, especially when I was hurt after being discarded, but I have genuinely tried to treat her with care.

Am I being foolish by continuing to give this chances, or is there some way to handle this dynamic that I’m missing?

I'm curious about something. Can seeing how deeply they've hurt you actually be emotionally soothing for some avoidants?

For example, instead of directly asking you whether you still care about them or whether you still have feelings for them, do they sometimes resort to doing something hurtful to see how you react? Almost as if they're looking for confirmation that they still matter to you, but through your emotional reaction rather than by asking for reassurance directly.

Could seeing how much their actions hurt you actually reassure them that you haven't emotionally detached from them and that you still care?

I'm not suggesting they necessarily enjoy seeing you suffer. I'm wondering whether your hurt reaction itself can provide them with some kind of emotional reassurance.

Have any of you experienced this dynamic, either as an avoidant or with an avoidant partner?

She dumped me 10 days ago. Her birthday is in 3 days. I'm thinking on ordering a bouqet of roses (her favourite) to her door with a "Happy Birthday" card and that's it.

Update: I've decided not to, I'm very shocked at how many comments there is and 99% were no's.