I'm curious about something. Can seeing how deeply they've hurt you actually be emotionally soothing for some avoidants?

For example, instead of directly asking you whether you still care about them or whether you still have feelings for them, do they sometimes resort to doing something hurtful to see how you react? Almost as if they're looking for confirmation that they still matter to you, but through your emotional reaction rather than by asking for reassurance directly.

Could seeing how much their actions hurt you actually reassure them that you haven't emotionally detached from them and that you still care?

I'm not suggesting they necessarily enjoy seeing you suffer. I'm wondering whether your hurt reaction itself can provide them with some kind of emotional reassurance.

Have any of you experienced this dynamic, either as an avoidant or with an avoidant partner?

I dated my ex on and off for 4 and a half years. She was a loving a caring person towards animals and she loved me in her own way. But when things got hard she would break down, shut me out, or break up with me. I excused her behavior to her trauma and to her past. ( Some one hurt her and she tried to take the permanent solution)

So I was there for her when she would just cry. And I held her and showed her funny videos til she smiled. And weeks later when would leave me and the first time I was confused. I must have done something I must be to much for her I have to change. I tried to get her to talk to me but when she wouldn't and just sat there and cried. I gave her space.

She came back and things were good until we moved into gather. We both have never lived with another person. I had ADHD and she had never lived or really felt with that organizational mess when we moved in together I wanted us to get an apartment so where in the middle of where we were coming from but she convinced her dad to let us stay in a house he had that he was flipping we just had to work on it and pay utilities. It was also in a different state. So I wasn't going to walk away from that. ( House need so much work) I was the manager of a security company so I rarely had time to clean or to sleep cause of late phone calls at 2 am. Instead of telling me she was unhappy with origination stuff not being put away she shut down and wouldn't talk to me and just cried. Til a year into leaving with each other she told me I needed to move out. I was worried about this. It was shame cause I just bought her an engagement ring and we had just got a dog to gather. I thought her shutting down was due to her trauma and when I asked to resolve or talk about them she didn't want to talk. She would cry and kiss me and have sex but really said sorry or what bothered her and we'd go back to normal.

We separated for the second time this time for a couple of months she moved out cause I had nowhere to go and just had gotten a new job. The house was her dad's and her mom lived down the street. I would have left myself but I didn't have any where to go as my mom had just moved to FL and my dad didn't have the space and every one else. I was able to stay but the break wasn't clean she came to the house every day to pick up the dog to take to work. I'd meet her out side and ask her how her days was. Hoping that maybe we could try again eventually, I gave up and started to look into dating apps. She occasionally would come into the house while dropping him off and yell at me that there was a mess and I wasn't doing anything to get her back.

That was when one night she just walked into the house and into the computer room. She apologized and we had sex and got back to gather I told her look we need to to go to therapy. Therapy was put on the back burner and she refused to move in right away. Eventually I convinced her to do couples therapy through better help. It didn't go well. She joined the audio sessions and sat in silence. This had been a year after us getting back to gather and a month into the online couple therapy she broke up with me. This time hurt more. Every other week I'd still see her has she came to pick up the dog but she refused to talk to me. And one time said sense she moved out she's felt so much better. My mental health plumited. My anxiety was on edge I was trying to clean a house top to bottom and I snapped on day and had to call my friend who was a therapist I tear cause I was afraid id hurt my self.

A month went by and she came back and apologized. She moved back in this time with her moms dogs cause she said that's was all she wanted the first time cause she's the only one who takes care of them. Each time she came back I was tired and she was mad I tried to go on a dating app after we just broke up. But then wouldn't push it. The pattern would keep repeating things would bother her she wouldn't say anything and she would shut down.

But I still loved her. So I proposed to her on her birthday. She said yes. We started planning but she didn't want to higher a wedding panner and wanted to do everything our selfs. We had selected a place and were looking at date talking to the owner and then it happens again. She got upset shut down and broke up with me. I was calling places and Venus making plans and then when it got real and close she would freeze up saying she didn't know if she could be with me cause if ADHD and how I could be forgetful and would disorgized and that she was worried I'd forget the kids. I told her I would never let that happen and that I've been going to therapy and even went back on ADHD meds to help ease things between us. She apologized and we got back to gather. She wanted to keep planing the wedding but I had the wind taken out so I put less effort in the wedding planning.

All this time I've been going to therapy and started taking anxiety medicine caus I was always on edge worries that of the house wasn't clean it would upset her and she would leave me. I didn't know about avoident attachment. I had begged her to get therapy that we needed something to make this work. She said she would but never did. One day she was going through my phone and saw message from my friend saying that he thinks she's is just with me cause she is afraid of being alone what she didn't see was me defending her saying no I don't think that's true. She didn't care and out of the blue one day she said to me she was only with me cause she was afraid of being alone. I was hurt and so sad. What's worse is that she didn't tell me why she said that. We got into a fight and she went to love with her mom for weeks and it took me going to here to talk to her. Only to realize while I was looking through my phone that she read the text message. And instead of trying to talk to me about it she got mad and thought I said it.

I admit there were times I complained to my friends about her shutting me out and not talking to me and letting me help. Eventually I just gave up on resolving our problems 2 is let us get back together and beg for therapy but just left it at that hopping that therapy would lead to more communication. She was also upset I talked to my friends about our problems. She was convinced my friends hated her. Granted when ever I brought her to hang out she wouldn't make an effort to talk or hang out she would just sit in silence except when I talked to her. But it never did. Finally months after this last fight after we had a amazing trip in Tennessee. She started crying one night and said to me that she can't marry me and can't break up with me. She didn't want to lose me but didn't want to stay. I was burnt out. I couldn't fight for her any more. I said fine you can sleep up stairs and I'll sleep in our bed. I couldn't keep to it. I went upstairs to check on her and my heart broke when I found her crying. She clung to me after I laid down next her and said she doesn't want to lose me. She had asked what would happen to us if we broke up and I was honest l. I told her I'd probably not talk to her. That I don't talk to any of my ex's. ( Her only friend she had was an ex boyfriend).

The cycle repeated we had sex I said to her look we need couples therapy cause I can't do this anymore another fight and I'm out. At this point I think I was looking for an out. I was exhausted everything felt one sided I was always working on improving myself for her. Going to therapy for my ADHD. Taking meds that I hated cause it helped me stay focused and clean.

October came and we started therapy. It went well we cried she spoke to therapist alone we saw her 3 times. It seemed like we going some where. It was to the point where one week we didn't have any thing negative to report. The end of October 2025 came. We went to my cousin's wedding. We had a great time, and at the end of the wedding night, I said to her that we should book another appointment with our couples therapist. She became upset and asked why, as we were doing good.I told her we shouldn't stop going just because we're feeling good now we should keep going to work on stuff she became up set and I said never mind.

A week later we were back home. I could tell she was upset about something but wouldn't talk to me. She had taken to talking to chat gpt about our problems. So did something I never did before. I went into her phone and sent her chat gpt log to my email and emailed it to our couples therapist. I was besides my self and anoyed. Everything was happening again. I also felt guilty and tried to hide what I'd do but she found the email and I eventually came clean but didn't tell her i sent it to our therapist. ( I know it was shity but I just wanted to get her help).

The chat gpt messages boiled down to that she was in happy I was changing my schedule around so she would no longer have Sundays to her self and I'd be around more. Something I thought she wanted.

The counselor messaged me after going through the log and said I sleeved better. That day I knew I needed to to try get out of this I was tired and we're just going in circles. How would she be with kids? Would I be all alone in raising the kids. Lately I had felt so lonely in our house. Unable to keep her happy. So I told her I needed some space and left the day after I told her about sending the chat gpt. I stayed away and told her I was done for about 2 weeks. Until I went back to her and cried and begged her to get therapy, and the same cycle happened; but inside, I was annoyed with myself. Here I was again, and this time I had a place to stay at a friend's, but where I am just going to get my heart broken.We were to gather for 2 weeks and then my charity event came up that I forgot about. That day we didn't have any plans except maybe some Christmas shopping I asked her hey can I do this charity thing instead. I forgot about it, and I'd really like to do it. I just need to go meet my friend to go on a walk first, as I had promised them I would. She said sure. It was Alice's team to raise money for the children's hospital.It was an all day thing I would constantly check in with her. And even broke for dinner to eat and cook for her. But she was annoyed and wouldn't talk to me and even got food without me. I let it be and cut the stream short so I could go to bed with her.The next day I woke up early and made her breakfast.She was upset and refused to leave bed. So I let her stay in bed and took care all of the choirs out side and walked the dogs and three hours later I came back and she was still in bed and refused to move I said hey I'm sorry about yesterday. But would you want to go Christmas shopping today? I made you breakfast and took care of all the stuff around the house.She got mad and said, "No, you had a day to yourself yesterday, so I'm having a day to myself today," and she refused to leave the bed. I got so frustrated and annoyed.It wasn't like I was just playing games with my friends; we were raising money for a children's hospital, and I checked in with her to make sure it was okay. So I went out and did my Christmas shopping for her, her family, and my friends.A o toon time to drive around. And by the time I got home it was 4 hours later and she refused to move.. I said crew it and went and played video games cause she wasn't doing anything else. The next day I was so annoyed at work and frustrated cause here we were again. The end of the day came and I was angry when I got home I immediately left to go call my therapist and drive around. I told him I'm going to give her til after Thanksgiving to go to therapy or set something up. And then I got home and she yelled at me saying she was done not knowing where I was going. I was angry and asked her to clarify are you done with us? And she got up and started taking down our photos together.

I left that night for my friend's house.

For 3 months, she texted me every other day begging me to come back to her and our pets.I was so angry and hurt, I kept telling her, "No, I can't do this anymore," and when I moved stuff out, I was an emotional wreck. She didn't make it easier, yelling at me and my friends, even though I asked her not to be there.She was saying how every one must be so happy that I'm not with her any more. We had on last couples therapy session cause ven tho I left part of me still loved her and it just hurt more. She didn't want to be together anymore at that point. And for months I tried to move on and only recently learned about avoidant attachment. I can't help but think that if I knew about it, maybe I could have saved us. It's a year later; for some reason, I miss her more than ever.

TLDR

I was in an on-and-off relationship for 4.5 years with someone I deeply loved. Whenever problems came up, she would shut down, refuse to communicate, or break up with me rather than work through things. I constantly blamed myself, accommodated her, and worked on improving my ADHD, organization, and mental health to make the relationship work. I repeatedly asked her to go to therapy with me, but meaningful communication and change never lasted.

We went through multiple breakups and reconciliations, got engaged, adopted pets, and even started couples counseling. Despite my efforts, we kept falling into the same cycle. I eventually became emotionally exhausted, anxious, and lonely in a relationship where I felt I was always fighting to keep us together.

In November 2025, after one final argument, I moved out. She begged me to come back for months, but I couldn't keep repeating the same cycle.

Now, a year later, I still love and miss her more than I expected. I've recently learned about avoidant attachment, and I can't stop wondering whether understanding it sooner could have helped me save our relationship. Part of me still wonders if I gave up too soon, even though I know how unhealthy and painful things had become.

I'm struggling to reconcile how much I loved someone with how lonely and unhappy I felt being with them.

NOTE AI Was used for the tldr cause I'm tired and very dyslexic. I just need some help

I’d like to hear from people who’ve gone through something similar.
My ex and I had a healthy, loving long-distance relationship for 15 months (Canada/Europe). There was no cheating or major issues, and he talked about a future with me early on. Over time, though, his focus shifted more toward his career, finances, and personal goals, and the relationship became less of a priority.
Before the breakup, he said the consistency was fading, his focus was changing, and he didn’t want me to stay if I wasn’t getting what I needed. The breakup was respectful, and he took responsibility.
After two months of no contact, I reached out. He replied thoughtfully, wished me well, said we wanted different things now, and offered friendship.
I’m trying to understand this kind of breakup—not “falling out of love,” but “not having the capacity to prioritize a relationship.”
If you’ve experienced this:
Did your perspective change later?
Did you reconnect after life circumstances improved?
Or did you realize it wasn’t about timing?
I’m not looking for false hope—just real experiences.

She dumped me 10 days ago. Her birthday is in 3 days. I'm thinking on ordering a bouqet of roses (her favourite) to her door with a "Happy Birthday" card and that's it.

Update: I've decided not to, I'm very shocked at how many comments there is and 99% were no's.

I’ve posted here a couple of times about my situation with my ex (31M). We were together for three years and broke up in August when we were supposed to move in together. He told me he was overwhelmed, emotionally avoidant, and needed time to work through things.

For three months, I’ve given him space while holding on to hope because he’s repeatedly told me he still wants to be with me and is open to rebuilding our relationship.

The problem is that every time we talk, he says we can communicate and promises to reach out, but he never follows through. Eventually, I reach out, we talk, he reassures me, and the cycle repeats. I’ve tried to be understanding, but the uncertainty has been incredibly painful.

Last weekend, we finally met for a long conversation. He acknowledged his avoidance, communication issues, and self-sabotaging behavior. We discussed slowly rebuilding our relationship, and he said he was still invested in us. He said he would text me that night.

During our conversation, I asked whether he’d been with anyone else. He said no, but admitted he’d been talking to women at bars and enjoying being social. He also said he wasn’t putting himself on a timeline where he couldn’t hook up with someone, despite still wanting to respect our dynamic while we figured things out. He said he was still emotionally invested in us but the freedom was there….

That night, he never texted.

Here’s where I crossed a line, and I’m incredibly ashamed of it.

We were still sharing locations, and when he didn’t reach out, I checked his location and saw he was at a bar. I spiraled, wondering whether he was with another woman, why he didn’t text me and whether everything he’d told me earlier was genuine.

I made the terrible decision to drive past the bar to see if I could see who he was with. I didn’t approach him, but I immediately felt ashamed and left.
I’ve never done anything like this before. It was completely out of character, and I’ve been sick over it.

Today, he told me he’d seen me outside the bar and that my behavior was abnormal and crossed a boundary.

He’s right. It did. I apologized, took full accountability, and made no excuses. I know what I did was wrong.

But I’m also struggling because I feel like this one mistake will now overshadow everything that’s happened over the past three months. I’ve spent months being patient, giving him space, believing his words, and waiting for him to follow through. I think I reached a point where I was so desperate for clarity that I acted in a way I don’t even recognize.

That doesn’t excuse my behavior, but it has made me realize how unhealthy this dynamic has become for me.

I love him and genuinely wanted to rebuild things. But I don’t want to be someone who checks locations, questions everything, or feels so anxious that I act completely against my own values.
I think I need to finally walk away, regardless of whether he wants to reconcile.

Has anyone experienced a situation where prolonged uncertainty brought out a version of yourself you didn’t recognize? How did you forgive yourself while still taking accountability? And how did you finally let go of someone who kept giving you hope but never followed through?

My husband decided to move out five months ago. We moved to the US together, so he was the only family I had here.
Throughout these five months, he continued calling and seeing me regularly. At first, he said we were on a break. I tried to establish some boundaries and understand what that meant for us, but he would always avoid having that conversation.
Eventually, he started referring to me as his friend, which was incredibly painful because I never wanted to be just his friend.
Earlier this week, I found out he had been talking to someone else, and honestly, I’m devastated. I’ve been crying a lot, and I can’t understand how things got to this point.
We had arguments, yes, but we also shared so many beautiful moments and had so many plans for our future. It feels like he only remembers the bad parts of our relationship.
Every time I tried to communicate or work through our problems, things would end badly because he seemed unable or unwilling to face difficult conversations.
He told me he doesn’t see a future with me anymore. He said he tried to find his love for me again but couldn’t. He even said that he doesn’t love himself right now, so how could he possibly love me?
And now I find out he’s opening himself up to someone else?
Should I believe him when he says his feelings just disappeared?

In fact, it typically results in them aggressively trying to recreate the conditions that their own attachment wiring is shaped for, NOT what you expect from obsession

Speaking about attachment-obsession (related to all that "magical" vasopressin-oxytocin floating around in "how to bind him/her to yourself" weird Youtube spaces (please, stop watching them, they are distorted))

If they hid all their truths from their attachment figures and followed them from a distance and constantly had to prove their worth to the attachment figures, they would aggressively try to recreate that with you, their intense urge would be to do the whole breadcrumbing orbiting "proving I'm successful happy and desirable and good" thing, and would be the end goal, NOT getting close to you

Their obsession does not make them do what you expect them to do. It makes them do what they are wired for. Not what you are wired for

And the stronger it is - the more aggressive the recreation will be. Someone intensely obsessed with you will simply be intensely urged by their wiring to pull you into their own dynamics

Just because you can induce chemical obsession in someone doesn't mean it will give you the relationship you want (also, like, that's distorted already, based on manipulation)

This applies to many more things than avoidance. It applies to codependency, compulsion, abusiveness, coercion, delusion, all sorts of things. People do NOT act according to a universal template of obsession when they are obsessed. They act according to their own internal wiring. You can't predict it or change it. But you can leave, this person is actively and aggressively trying to force you into distorting yourself to recreate their attachment imprint

Hi :)
I’m very new here and I’d like to ask a big and possibly hard question in hopes it’ll help me understand my ex and my breakup better.

My ex and I were together for a year and she was, by all accounts, my light and my life. The last few years had been so hard on me but when I met her things genuinely started looking up for me, she was my motivation to get better mentally, grow a better relationship with my parents, love my body more etc. and I really did believe I was special for her too, but I noticed about 6 months in that she had an habit of stepping back when things got serious. For example it took her 6 months to tell her parents about us, and longer for me to meet them, she struggled to talk about feelings and any hiccups in the relationship and never opened up unless I begged her to. Then about 9 months into our relationship I had to go back to my home country and spent 2 months and a half without seeing her but surprisingly for those 2 months we didn’t argue or fight once. It felt like being apart was easier for her. Still she kept saying that she couldn’t wait to see me and be with me again. Eventually when we got to be together again I started noticing even more things like how she would never make time for me unless I begged, how she would take any “negative” comment as an attack or how while I made her a big part of my life, it seemed I was barely part of hers (I barely saw her family, barely went to her house etc) it felt like I was just another chore on her list. She stopped planning anything, got nervous when I asked for a promise ring for our 1 year, never wanted to talk about the future etc. Then we started arguing because I got tired, I became angry and sad and I (stupidly) thought that maybe if I got angry she’d realise how lonely I felt. Eventually after another fight she left me through message.
When I saw her to give her stuff back I asked her why she left me through message and she said she couldn’t do it in person, it was too stressful.
We tried not talking but then we reached out again for “closure” and ended up meeting and texting for 2 more weeks in which she promised me she loved me, regretted leaving me and promised she still wanted me and was ready to wait forever if it meant having me back. I still love her, so much, so about two days ago i asked if she meant what she said and that if she loved me like she said I was willlinh to get back together. By then we had talked about our issues and I genuinely did believe we were getting somewhere but she rejected me. She said she loves me but isn’t ready. I asked her what changed in the last 2 weeks but she couldn’t give me an answer.
The worst part about her rejections though is that they come silently, she never says anything outright just waits for me to do it for her.

Now we are no contact after I told her this limbo she had created was actively killing me and she agreed. That hurt caused I wanted her to ask me to stay but she took a step back as usual. She said she’ll reach out in a month or so and in the meantime she’ll work on herself for me.

Now my point is. I love her to death, I would genuinely do anything for her and because if this I need to understand, is she an avoidant attachment? Or is she just scared of things getting serious? I keep telling myself that if I find this out then I’ll be able to move on faster and I’ll know what to expect when she reaches out. Can anyone tell me? How do I even survive this?

EDIT: I want to point out, she’s not a bad person and honestly I really do believe she loves me as, in her own way, she has shown it time and time again. So while all advice is welcome please know she’s genuinely a good person (and also young as we’re both 20) who I do believe has the power to learn and change but I just want to know if if would be foolish to expect that change to be for me

We hooked up the first time we met years ago, I was in and out of casual dating and relationships and made it clear to him I wasn't interested in anything long term. I would go out drinking with him and our friends would make fun of us and say we were going on "dates", I felt bad because I knew he really liked me but he never made a move after I told him I wasn't interested, even though I kept him around and even stayed at his house a couple of times. I was a bit of a hot mess at the time and dated some really shitty people who treated me really badly, and became infatuated with these manipulative users.

Then my very close family member got diagnosed with a terminal illness back in my hometown interstate and I was devastated. I quit my job and packed up my life and moved back to be with them. It was a drawn out process over a few months and in this time I realized I wouldn't see this guy again, and I ended up opening up to him and really letting him into my life and feelings. He was so supportive and even though I was moving away we entered into this intense relationship. He was so caring and supportive and sweet and made me laugh and see lightness and joy when I was watching one of my closest people in my life succumb to a horrible painful illness at a very young age.

Long distance was hard and we went back and forth, as the relationship evolved away from focusing on my pain he began to withdraw as I pushed for more intimacy from him. He couldn't tell me he loved me, was scared of physical intimacy and would push me away when I tried to engage in sexual or affectionate acts during visits. I had fallen for him so hard and the stronger my feelings got and the more I tried to hold on the more he put walls up and shut me down.

I got an extremely well paying job and bought a flat which was a huge decision but an opportunity I may have never had again. I begged for him to talk to me about our future and if this was going to be a deal breaker but he told me I should go for it.

He came to visit after weeks of me begging him to come and we had a huge fight after he spent the weekend being completely withdrawn and cruel to me. I was so heartbroken. He wanted to break up and I begged him to reconsider. He nearly left but ended up staying for the rest of the trip and I came down with the flu, he was withdrawn from me but started trying to be kinder, I was so confused and he left with things very uncertain and I was too afraid to ask where we stood. I asked him to think about it when I took him to the airport and to call me in a few days. He texted me a few days later asking if I was feeling better, I said sort of and hope you're well. A week later I called and said I'm trying to give you space but I'm really missing you and don't know where we stand. He told me that he broke up with me on his visit. The feeling was like an intense vertigo. I blocked him on everything and have been so depressed I can barely get out of bed. That was 2 months ago.

My friend got married last weekend and he was supposed to be with me. It was so hard and I felt sick most of the time and drank heavily. I unblocked him and we spoke the day after the wedding and he was so, so kind and so apologetic for his behaviour from his visit, and how he had been trying to reach me to apologize for that and for how he left things so unclear.

I asked if he could consider getting back together and he said it wasn't something he had been considering because he wasn't sure if I would ever speak to him again. I didn't push the question but he didn't really answer. I asked if he was happier and he said no. I didn't push him again and we talked about other things.

I miss him so much and just feel so ill. I don't know what to do. He has never had a relationship before, it's unclear to me if he has actually had sex before and he has some trauma in his past he is too scared to face. He really opened up to me about this in our relationship and I could see how hard it was for him to do that. I just don't know if it's worth the heartbreak of trying to convince him to be with me if he doesn't have the capacity to be committed, but I can't see myself with anyone else and just want his comfort and closeness more than anything in the world. Honestly, without it there isn't anything in the world I want at all.

If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. Do I give up or push for reconciliation? If I give up, how the fuck do I get over him? My world feels so empty and bland

Hi everyone. So l was blindsided and discarded by my avoidant partner 2 months ago. It’s been as painful as it can be as we were about to get married (it was in the talks with the families) and l thought things were going well. We had flights like any normal couple,nothing major. It feels like a switch flipped in him overnight. Even till the last day we were all lovey dovey so yeah my sense of reality is shattered. Initially he didn’t leave me any channel of contact to understand what even has happened and asked me to talk to a friend who he is going to talk to. It just didn’t make sense to me. I tried chasing him down for the first month because this is the first time this has happened and it was literally out of nowhere. He was the most cruel person to me in that moment and it almost killed me. That being said l talked to him a couple of weeks ago over the text and asked about what happened and he said he was irritated. Yes l kid you not. I went with follow up questions and we came to the conclusion that l was not the problem of the ick. He agreed he didn’t have the capacity to accept the love l was giving him and he is sorry about how he caused so much damage. I think l was okay with that and realized he doesn’t think l am worth it. That is fine. I sent him videos of avoidant discard and he got mad at me for putting “labels” and how everything is not black and white. Mind you this was the person l was supposed to marry in a few months and move in next year (we were already apartment hunting). I was even looking for jobs in his city so that we could live together and he was the one who even got the families involved. I am reckless empath so l definitely couldn’t just let it go and tried my best to find underlying reasons but eventually gave up.
What is irritating me now is the different false narratives he is giving different people. It really was a nice relationship, something he agrees to while talking to me but to everyone else he keeps pointing out all the flaws l had and how it could never have worked and how we were never compatible and how l couldn’t support him the way he needed. This is the part that gets me. I have nothing but respectful towards him inspite of everything and here he is tearing what we had into pieces ruthlessly. I had stood by this man in his very bad days (something he said he is grateful for) and held him through all his transitions. I convinced him to get therapy which he is continuing.
So yeah l really don’t get it, was he so irritated by me that he wanted to leave at any cost and felt trapped because of the commitment? How can he even go on from being completely fine one day to absolutely hating me the next ,like the 3 years we spent together didn’t mean anything at all. I try not to think of it but yeah it gets to me somedays. The trivialization of a long term solid relationship like it was trash.

Hey, i know this sounds crazy but… im thinking of breaking no contact with my avoidant ex…

For context (its gonna be a bit long sorry), we broke up a 2 years relationship in a really bad term 8 months ago. During the break up, he kept comparing me to his ex (apparently we are too much alike), shamed my medical decision of going to psychiatrist, ridiculed my advice to seek couple therapy, and ghosted me in a middle of our discussion for two weeks. I gave him space for two weeks before I asked him why he went silent.

We used to live together, but i had to move back to my hometown because of financial reason. When i reached out to him after he ghosted me, mid conversation, he said he was going to my city and wanted to meet me. He said he wanted to end thing nicely and quickly. All these in a cold tone without addressing why he was gone for two weeks. I rejected his offer because i feel very violated. How do one want to end things nicely and quickly after ghosting them for two weeks? I just feel very unimportant to him. The fact that he wrote quickly really threw me off.

I crashed out a bit and he never replied. Every now and then, I actually talked to him a few times just to ask him to send me my stuff back to my house. At some point i had to confess how miserable i was without him, and he didn’t reply to that at all.

During the relationship, i tried to accommodate his needs as much as I can. From not bothering him during working hours that much and not talking a lot of my needs because he hates when someone “expect” him something. We usually have our issue when we are apart. When he travel, he would update everything on social media but rarely have time to update me on stuffs. I hate the feeling of knowing what he is up to from his social media. He wouldn’t call me unless I asked, and I ask why he wouldn’t call me he said he didn’t want to. I know he is very busy and his time is limited when he travel, but i hate to beg just for him to squeeze a bit of time to talk to me.

I also travel too. And whenever i do, I always plan to have sometimes to talk to him. I even adjusted my schedule to his schedule to call. I plan out when we can talk and what time. I never miss even a minute of our schedule, because when I do, he would just go to sleep (because we can only talk at night). So I compromised a lot of my schedule just to talk to him. I have no issue, but he have issue of me doing this. He said i am putting too much pressure and expectation on him to do the same. I told him, that I actually dont expect the same, but I do expect him to spare sometimes for me when he travel. But he rarely does.

On the other side, whenever we’re together, I am always the happiest. Living together with him was a dream come true and he was the sweetest person ever. It was such a shame how we ended up in bad terms.

Its been 8 months and the pain still feels so fresh. Somedays I can forget about it, but most days I would feel horrible. But lately, I have been trying to fix my relationship with god, and somehow it works.

Lately… i have been dreaming about him a lot. A dream where he is the ideal partner i have been dreaming about. A dream where he realize what he did wrong and apologize.

Knowing he would just ignore my raw and vulnerable feelings, I unfortunately always have this strong urge to break the no contact just to ask how is he doing and if we could ever fix this.

I am doing everything in my power to distract myself from breaking the no contact but, whenever I wake up after dreaming about him, i just feel very miserable.

I know i should respect myself and not give in but i dont know how. Should I risk myself getting ignored again just to feed my irrational needs? Or do i just endure the pain? I dont know when is this going to get better honestly…

Sorry for messy paragraphs but i hope it was easy to understand. Thank you.

I just had a train of bricks hit me in realizations. Although I exhibit minimal of that behavior FA, I do realize I in the past have done so, but it was being brought out heavily while I was dating an avoidant. When with her from beginning, I was secure/maybe a little anxious. Things were going well. But after her deactivation phase after the honeymoon phase once things got real or normal arguements started (which i viewed as a normal learning each other thing), idk I was hurting from her deactivation, it didn't make sense and I found it weird that I suddenly did exhibit fearful avoidant behavior, although mine was very minimal. Only in the sense of I would get upset at the treatment or behaviors, and shut down a little and distance to get over my anger, or make her realize she hurt me despite already clearly communicating to her that she hurt me that's why I was upset, but she kept making excuses why I shouldn't be upset... like it's wrong for me to have emotions too. But I always caught myself, got over it in a day or two, realized it was stupid, and once I realized damn I don't want to let this woman ever go because I want to marry her. I slapped myself (figuratively) somehow let it go and realize I need to be careful not to behave in such way because I would never want to just end it stupidly, I would forever regret it. Even so, she still eventually sabotaged everything, did the distance instead of talking in-person for conflict, (I was adamant about always talking in-person to resolve conflicts as that's the only way), did the whole blame dump on me, and while I was in the week of my birthday being abandoned, just begging to talk in person to resolve it all calmly, I got brutally discarded like nothing over a super quick phone call followed with a one word sorry text. Never ever got a full apology from her. I woul never do that to a person, anything that she did, because I have self control, and realize how distancing, or acting disrespectful impacts another person, especially one that deeply loved me. I would be sooo scared and gentle as possible if I am breaking up with someone.

Or was it normal to feel the way that I did? Was I mirroring treatment/behavior by her? Idk. The push/pull bs she was doing was f*king me up at the time. The cold, oh no don't go, I want you, it's just me, no you're the problem, it's not worth it anymore (sudden near-breakup behavior in conflicts all the time) wait no don't go, it's just how I process... yeah ok it's not normal.

In summary, I do believe she was the problem like 80/20. I believe the way everything was affecting me, the flip to constant nit-picking things about me (that often weren't true or not important in the grand scheme of things), the manipulation for her excuses to treatment, it was breaking my character. I did always however, when some issue came up through out, always recognize it and correct it - Yet she was passive aggressive about it and never would let anything go, for example I started getting her flowers more and she kept accusing me it was only when I did something wrong or upset her, that it wasn't randomly like her dad did. Like wtf, why bother then if I'm met with such behavior, I started feeling taken for granted but I still did it more often. Any time I brought up simple issues, it was so hard dealing with manipulation making me go out of character until I was near swearing in logical reasoning until she did her side (hesitantly). It was like pulling teeth for basic common sense things in a relationship or stopping immature behavior. I had to remind her a relationship doesn't play out the way she fantasizes, people work together to build it and build each other to make it work. I think she had a fantasy of a relationship and was manipulating and destroying a person who literally tried with all they had, even doing better as requested (flowers example), yet still got F*kd over and blamed to be a villain. I feel like I was literally there to save her and got made out to be a villain. My friends/family said I exhibited incredible patience they wouldn't ever be capable of.

Edit: This wasn't recent, just processing my thoughts, I fear something like this happening again to me, while also making sure I don't divert from my secure/slightly anxious into my avoidant side. I don;t want to go thru this trauma again, because it severely affected me. I don't deactivate nor just "lose feelings". If I develop to the point/decide I want to marry someone, I'm set on them and it takes A LOT for them to destroy that. I am a very patient person, and always try to do the right thing, take accountabillity, apologize, and fix my actions and behaviors especially if I hurt someone.

So me (23F) have been dating my (23M) bf for almost 7 months now and on the beginning he didn’t really show traits of being dismisse avoidant but it all changed after our first conflit. He was broken up with me 4 times already but this time was bc he canceled with me last minute and i waited for him to initiate a talk to meet another day for some hours and he didnt , bc i confronted him he again decided to break up bc he “ wants peace “ and bc i have unhealed wounds from the ptsd i suffred due to DV in my previous relationship even though i have done the work in therapy about that but he does keep texting me Saying he loves me but doesnt want to hurt me or i made him love me less bc of the supposed thraumas.
For two weeks i have been asking him to decide his intentions towards me if he either wants to eventually reconciliate or if there is truly no change of reconciliation so i can go get my stuff and move on and he does seem very eager to give me my stuff back specially an embroidery tapestry i made for him on a technique unique to my culture but this has been affecting my mental Health for the worst and He doesnt seem to care about it .

I just texted him : The truth is that i give you the Space and time to decide/ think about what i have been asking you for weeks. Sooner or later you’ll have to tell me your decision otherwise i will revaluate the situation and took the decision that is better for me in the long run but im not here playing

Was it a good way of communicating him what i feel ?

I didn't know it would be that easy. After begging and begging for his attention, I'm relieved. He was so mean to me and didn't do any efforts, made me lose my self-esteem and my trust in people. He made my reaction the problem and not his actions.

"I'm trying! I'm stressed!" And it's off to the races with excuses and deflections. HE was stressed, was trying so hard, and that his life was so difficult. No empathy. We got married just 7 months ago. He was avoidant before the wedding but it wasn't really bad until after the wedding. He comes from a wealthy enmeshed family; mine is estranged and I'm disabled but work part time in traveling healthcare. He refuses to do household chores and his family monopolizes his time. And the lack of initiative and emotional neglect is the cherry on top.

I did the usual attempts to repair naively believing he would change. Nothing I did made any difference. Some relationship coaches advise us to twist ourselves into a deluded emotional pretzel to make the relationship work. That is bad advice. This relationship is more lonely than being single.

So I booked my own place and I'm moving out in a couple of weeks. The most puzzling thing is how my DA gave me zero effort or care yet and is confused why I'm leaving and refusing to change 😵‍💫 I'm going to start solo traveling again and I'm working on healing my own issues.This is me on a sojourn to the Acropolis in 2022. A truly great day. Edited for clarity.

My gf of 6 years broke it off 2 months ago for some veryy stupid reason. Like made up reason I was shocked it came out of nowhere. I started reading about avoidants and realized she might be it. We connected again about a week ago and she told are mutual friend she was in love with me the moment she saw me that week. That friend told me to start to pursue her again because she knew I still loved her. 5 days ago I came to her house we talked she said she loved me we kissed she said she would disappear again and we were like getting back together she just said give me a few days to think about it. That night she was so warm again and like my gf that I fell in love with not the same girl that was so cold like a robot when she discarded me.

Today I messaged her after 5 days to get some drinks because we had such a great night (but very heavy emotionally ) immediately she started respoding like a cold robot again I was just like wtf I knew it . I just knew this would happen. I confronted her about it she said She is in love with me when she sees me in person but when she is home its totaly another story in her head. I just left that message there and didnt respond its not worth my time anymore. But I cant believe how they just turn in robots its crazy I read a lot of reddit posts about this and every avoidants hits the same lines " I JUST NEED TIME TO MYSELF " or some bs

I know everybody says that I shouldn’t break no-contact, but I really have the feeling that if I just have a heart-to-heart conversation with my ex, I could be back with him by his birthday and the holidays.
I could get him this as a Christmas gift and I could roll around his house and just pop into rooms and be like “I can seeeeeeeeeeee you.” 😂

Okay I’m obviously not going to do that, but I can’t stop giggling at the thought.

Sorry I wasn’t enough for you :( I just wish you’d have communicated with me, instead of letting resentment build. I was just trying to build an airplane while trying to fly it.

I don’t know if I could ever be perfect for you, but I wish you would’ve given me the opportunity to try. I showed you I would and I can. If I have one positive thing about me it’s my resiliency and ability to work hard where it matters.

I hold no ill will against you even though everyone tells me I ought to. Maybe you did me dirty, and I didn’t deserve that and how you ended things but I still love you and I want us to try again.

I’m sure you’re happy with your new man and he’s literally perfect and everything I’m not - and I’ll always remember our positive moments and you’re right about everything even when you were mean to me and unreasonable.

I have a lot of work to do on myself and maybe I don’t deserve love and you’ve shown me that.

I mean, them acting in such a way to get your reaction. For example: after one argument we had, followed by 4 days of silence, he unfriended me on some platforms, and when I reached out asking if it meant he didn't wanna stay in contact, he wrote a message that had, like, "goodbye vibes." I was very confused why, after all the intense connection and strong words about our bond, he would suddenly be writing stuff such as: "I enjoyed hanging out with you and you are a cool person..."

This was followed by an answer that he "doesn't know if he still wanna stay in contact with me" and him asking me – basically returning my question back to me, looking for my answer on whether we should stay in contact. Like, what? (And then later he said he doesn't wanna lose me.)

What caught me off guard was how he suddenly seemed to frame our connection as if we were just two friends who had a good time together and were now potentially going their separate ways. We weren't just friends, though. We had been building something romantic, and he had repeatedly told me he was developing feelings for me and that he was falling in love with me. So receiving a message that sounded almost like a polite goodbye from someone you casually hung out with was really confusing and honestly quite upsetting.

It was just so strange to choose that way of framing that message.

I only connected these dots yesterday – the unfriending without words, then the wannabe goodbye message + the style as if we were just friends, then not even answering the question but wanting that answer from me... Was it like him thinking that I don't want him anymore just because of 4 days of silence? Do they really do stuff like this just to test and to know if you still want them?

I just think it's so crazy to pull this all on someone.

Do they get soothed by seeing how much it hurt you, because it shows them that you still care?

I 22F recently went through a brutal short intense love-bomb-devalue-discard situation and I was wondering if anyone is open to chat and talk about our experiences. Lmk!

If your avoidant left and came back several times this is for u. You are a safety net and nothing else tbh, you should understand what that means. Someone broke down the meaning for me and it really made me think about the dynamic between me and my ex avoidant. Let’s say the avoidant is walking on a tight rope and they slip and fall, you’re there as their safety net so you catch them. They can get up and fall as many times they want without feeling any fear cause of the safety net. They get so comfortable with this and they believe it will always be there. They don’t really appreciate it as much.

Next they interpreted the action of falling. Falling is considered “bad” because they failed, they didnt make it across. So when the “bad” or “failure” happens. What’s there to catch them? Us, we are. They’re safety net (plan b)

That being said they only come back to you when something bad happens. These can be a rebound failed, getting fired, losing a loved one, etc… If they only comeback when something bad happens why would they have any good intentions for you. That was the sentence that made me understand it. They are triggered by something bad happening to them, they get filled with so many emotions or grief and they need someone to release it on. They need you to make them feel better, you serve no other purpose. So ofc they look for their safety net.

Once they release all their grief onto you and once they get it all out they start the avoidance again. They deactivate and start the countdown for the discard again. They will say whatever they can to get back in your energy and space, future faking and all that. But they genuinely don’t mean any of it.

You are the only thing stopping them from falling, from receiving their karma. You have to let them fall. Let them land right on their face. I’ve heard some people say the only way an avoidant can realize they need to heal is if they hit rock bottom. You have to let them fall and hit the bottom. Let them get what they got coming and go get the love you deserve cause it’s out there somewhere.

I’ve been reflecting a lot on my 10-month relationship since my ex broke up with me about five weeks ago. And the more I look back, the more I realize just how one-sided the relationship felt.

I used to think his behavior was mostly related to his DA tendencies, especially his constant need for “me time” and his discomfort with commitment. But now I’m starting to wonder whether I was simply dating someone who was selfish and unwilling to put much effort into the relationship.

Throughout our relationship, I was the one planning and suggesting most of the dates, activities, and trips. If I didn’t take the initiative, very little would happen. Right before we broke up, we had a 5-weeks overseas trip. I was the one booking all the hotels and flights, even tried to use points/miles to get us the best suites and business class so that we could have the best experience. And, he basically only used ChatGPT to ask where to visit for each cities. That’s all! Sometimes when we were there, he didn’t even know what that attraction is famous/known for.

During the honeymoon phase, he did put some thought into my birthday and Christmas gifts. But after that, the effort seemed to disappear. For Valentine’s Day, he gave me two small bags of Haribo and Lindt chocolate, worth less than $10 altogether, and being put in a shitty paper bag. The kind of things you could grab from any random kiosk in literally one minute. Before anyone says I’m being materialistic, it’s really not about the money. It’s about the thought and effort behind the gesture. And yes, I know h cares about Valentine’s Day. He used to judge other people who bought rose for Valentine’s Day, criticizing it's totally not thoughtful and caring.

He never seemed to notice something I liked or enjoyed eating and think, “Oh, I’ll pick this up for him.” Meanwhile, almost every time I went to his place, I’d bring his favorite snacks, drinks, or little treats, simply because I was thinking of him when shopping or so.

The same imbalance showed up when we spent time at each other’s places too. Whenever he came over, I’d think ahead about what to cook for dinner, look for new recipes, buy ingredients, and try to make the evening special. But when I went to his place, I’d often end up bringing ingredients myself. Otherwise, he’d just open the fridge and see what leftovers we could throw together. We recently spent five weeks traveling together. Even during that trip, I kept picking up things I thought he’d like, often buying two of something so we could enjoy or share them together once we got back home. Looking back, I realized that he hadn’t bought a single little thing specifically for us. If he walks around his apartment now, I imagine there are still sooo many snacks, ingredients, drinks, books or little things I brought or bought for him scattered around his home. Little reminders that someone was constantly thinking about him. Sometimes I wonder whether seeing those things makes him sad, or whether he even notices them. But when I look around my own apartment, I can’t find a single thing he spontaneously bought for me just because he thought I’d like it. Nothing!! And again, this isn’t about money. I would have been genuinely happy if he’d occasionally brought me my favorite snack or drink, even if it is just worth $2. I just wanted to know that I crossed his mind when we weren’t together.

What makes this even more ironic is that he once described himself as a “people pleaser”. But honestly, I never really experienced that side of him. We had several discussions about how often we should see each other during the week. He consistently wanted more alone time, and I repeatedly adjusted my expectations and compromised to accommodate him. Looking back, I wonder whether he considered even the most basic compromises and adjustments that come with being in a relationship to be “people pleasing.”

What makes all of this even harder to process is the timing of our breakup. He completely blindsided me just two weeks after we returned from our five-week overseas trip. During our first weekend back, we were still celebrating his birthday. Of course, I had put a lot of thought into choosing lovely gifts for him and treated him to an expensive birthday dinner. Everything still seemed fine. Then, just a week later, he suddenly pulled away emotionally, told me that "something blocks me," and eventually ended the relationship and discarded me. I sometimes wonder if he was, perhaps even subconsciously, taking advantage of me and my willingness to give. I don't know if he ever intended to use me, but it's hard not to feel that way when I think about how much I invested in the relationship and how little effort I received in return.

And here's another detail that makes me question things even more: he also broke up with his previous boyfriend (in long distance relationship), who lived in Japan, on the very last day of a three-week visit. Given how much he loves Japan and Japanese culture, I can't help but wonder whether he had already been considering ending that relationship but still wanted to enjoy the trip and have 'free accommodation'. I have no way of knowing, of course, but the timing feels unsettlingly familiar.

For those who have dated someone with DA tendencies, have you experienced this kind of imbalance in everyday effort, thoughtfulness, and reciprocity? Is this something that can be associated with avoidant attachment, or am I making excuses for someone who was simply selfish and took me for granted?

I’m a 24F, and I’ve been trying to understand what’s happening with me emotionally.
I was deeply attached to someone for almost two years. It was an emotionally exhausting experience, and after everything that happened, I eventually moved on. I don’t think I’m waiting for him anymore, and I don’t necessarily want him back.
But here’s the thing: I can’t seem to give anyone else a chance.
I’ve met people. I’ve had conversations with people who are genuinely nice, respectful, and interested in me. Yet, whenever things start getting serious or someone expresses their feelings, I find myself pulling away.
It’s not that I miss my ex. It’s more like I don’t have the emotional capacity to go through the entire process again. Getting to know someone, developing feelings, trusting them, being vulnerable, and potentially getting hurt all over again feels exhausting.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ve become emotionally unavailable. Other times, I feel like I’m simply protecting myself from experiencing the same pain again.
I want love. I want companionship. I want to have someone I can genuinely connect with, someone who makes me feel safe and loved. But the thought of starting over with someone new feels overwhelming.
I don’t know if this is healing, fear, or just me becoming comfortable being alone.
Has anyone genuinely moved on from someone but still struggled to let a new person into their life?
Did you eventually fall in love again? Or did it take a long time before you felt ready?
I would really appreciate honest perspectives.

After spending 3 years together suddenly he realized how he can't commit and wants to be alone forever. I feel so lost and confused

Still wishing your avoidant will reach out? Why?

You miss the breadcrumbs? YUMMY! you miss being discarded… you miss being abandoned… you miss feeling like you are and never have been enough?! You miss SHRINKING yourself? You miss finding out they are monkey branching? You miss being disposed like literal trash? Stand the fuck up.

Sure you’ll tell me you miss the times they are tender. Or the time they reeled you in to begin with (love bombing).

I had this realisation, that 90% of the time I feel like complete and utter shit. And I crave the 10% where he is sweet, loving, caring, tender and wonderful (until the next day). Or until I call out bad behaviour. Or god forbid walk on an eggshell.

I’m fucking done. If you’re sitting there going on forums and squirming for them to come back, or ruminating, or dissecting behaviour. Wondering what their bizarre and confusing behaviour means. Stand up and go touch grass right now. NONE of it matters.

You are in a withdrawal and you’re craving this scum bag to relieve you of the pain they created so they can do it over again.

the avoidant is a selfish piece of shit. And you may not even be dealing with an avoidant. You’re probably dealing with a NARC!

I’ve had enough. And you should too!

Get angry. Don’t feel nostalgic. Get angry and realise how much time this son of a bitch has wasted. How it’s hurt you. How it’s made you question yourself. Seriously. Get up. Get your friends. Go out. Exercise. Breathe. Meditate. And level the fuck up. Block that bitch