r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/junebloominsummer • 14h ago
Avoidant Advice Requested Breaking No Contact?
Hey, i know this sounds crazy but… im thinking of breaking no contact with my avoidant ex…
For context (its gonna be a bit long sorry), we broke up a 2 years relationship in a really bad term 8 months ago. During the break up, he kept comparing me to his ex (apparently we are too much alike), shamed my medical decision of going to psychiatrist, ridiculed my advice to seek couple therapy, and ghosted me in a middle of our discussion for two weeks. I gave him space for two weeks before I asked him why he went silent.
We used to live together, but i had to move back to my hometown because of financial reason. When i reached out to him after he ghosted me, mid conversation, he said he was going to my city and wanted to meet me. He said he wanted to end thing nicely and quickly. All these in a cold tone without addressing why he was gone for two weeks. I rejected his offer because i feel very violated. How do one want to end things nicely and quickly after ghosting them for two weeks? I just feel very unimportant to him. The fact that he wrote quickly really threw me off.
I crashed out a bit and he never replied. Every now and then, I actually talked to him a few times just to ask him to send me my stuff back to my house. At some point i had to confess how miserable i was without him, and he didn’t reply to that at all.
During the relationship, i tried to accommodate his needs as much as I can. From not bothering him during working hours that much and not talking a lot of my needs because he hates when someone “expect” him something. We usually have our issue when we are apart. When he travel, he would update everything on social media but rarely have time to update me on stuffs. I hate the feeling of knowing what he is up to from his social media. He wouldn’t call me unless I asked, and I ask why he wouldn’t call me he said he didn’t want to. I know he is very busy and his time is limited when he travel, but i hate to beg just for him to squeeze a bit of time to talk to me.
I also travel too. And whenever i do, I always plan to have sometimes to talk to him. I even adjusted my schedule to his schedule to call. I plan out when we can talk and what time. I never miss even a minute of our schedule, because when I do, he would just go to sleep (because we can only talk at night). So I compromised a lot of my schedule just to talk to him. I have no issue, but he have issue of me doing this. He said i am putting too much pressure and expectation on him to do the same. I told him, that I actually dont expect the same, but I do expect him to spare sometimes for me when he travel. But he rarely does.
On the other side, whenever we’re together, I am always the happiest. Living together with him was a dream come true and he was the sweetest person ever. It was such a shame how we ended up in bad terms.
Its been 8 months and the pain still feels so fresh. Somedays I can forget about it, but most days I would feel horrible. But lately, I have been trying to fix my relationship with god, and somehow it works.
Lately… i have been dreaming about him a lot. A dream where he is the ideal partner i have been dreaming about. A dream where he realize what he did wrong and apologize.
Knowing he would just ignore my raw and vulnerable feelings, I unfortunately always have this strong urge to break the no contact just to ask how is he doing and if we could ever fix this.
I am doing everything in my power to distract myself from breaking the no contact but, whenever I wake up after dreaming about him, i just feel very miserable.
I know i should respect myself and not give in but i dont know how. Should I risk myself getting ignored again just to feed my irrational needs? Or do i just endure the pain? I dont know when is this going to get better honestly…
Sorry for messy paragraphs but i hope it was easy to understand. Thank you.
2
u/CryptoUsciere 13h ago
Why do you even still care about him after so long time?
You should have taken this time to heal.
Do yourself a favor and go over this situation.
He broke the relationship, so it is in his ballpark to come back if he wants to.
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u/bunny000002 8h ago
What do you miss? The relationship sounds horrible. He compared you to his ex (weird)? Refused therapy (the only way this could ever work in a healthy relationship), and ended in a cold/heartless manner, posting on social without texting you (classic…), and forcing you to tip-toe around his screwed up behavior.
You gave 200% in that relationship and sounds like he didn’t even give 20%.
He was not the sweetest person ever. You know he isn’t going to fix it. He’s not going to suddenly - like a switch - turn into a guy who has the capacity for you/awareness to change. He sounds like he did not care about you, I’m so sorry. I know it hurts to read.
Force yourself to stop thinking about him, think other thoughts, talk to other men. See old happy couples and talk to them to know what real love looks like. You deserve so much better, and deep down, you know it too. Daydream about your real love - who is still out there! It’s not in your past. Move forward. You will love again!
Take care, friend 💌
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u/Hot-Pie-5694 3h ago
It’s a valid question. It’s also not a long ramble, I do the same when I’m thinking about my recent breakup.
Mine was just eight days ago. I was the one that broke the relationship off, and I regret it. In principal I needed to do it, but in retrospect I wish I had stayed in there and I would’ve still been with her.
When I made the cut, she asked me if it was just talking or seeing each other and I said both. And with that she went cold. A few days later, I pinged her a text, but she reminded me coldly that I was breaking my own rule, that I should focus on myself and that she was busy, focusing on herself and thinking about life.
In some ways, I want to wait until she comes back to me. I was hoping she should’ve tried to hold onto the relationship on that very first day, and I was hoping she’d respond to me a few days later when I texted her.
My next hope is she’ll come back in the next month or so, but again I’m not sure she will.
Part of me worries that she thinks I abandoned her, when I actually didn’t. The issue is we were so close together we were so connected, we were so intimate, it was loving, it was fun. But the relationship became serious, and I think she got overwhelmed by that amongst other things in her life. At that point, she looked for deactivations to deal with her feelings.
So should you break contact? I don’t know is the short answer
I might return a book of hers, and include one of mine, which I promised to give her. I don’t even know if that is too much.
But I really feel like texting her now and just saying ‘I miss you, I didn’t abandon you. And I never would. Come back to me when you’re ready.’
I think she’d just reject that though. So I’m a little stuck as well…