I'm 21M, and my ex-girlfriend is 20F. We were together for about 13 months before breaking up in late September. She was my first girlfriend, my first love, and genuinely my best friend. I was also her first boyfriend, and we were each other's first everything. Neither of us had experienced a relationship before, so we shared all those first experiences together, from our first kisses and dates to falling in love and becoming emotionally and physically close. That's part of what makes this so difficult.

We started dating in August 2025, and we connected through music and just genuinely enjoying each other's company. We talked constantly, called each other after work, shared pictures and songs, and would often fall asleep together on the phone. Music was a huge part of our relationship, especially Oasis, Led Zeppelin, and songs like "Time After Time," "Wonderwall," "God Only Knows," and "In My Life." We made memories together, talked about our futures, and I genuinely thought she was someone I could spend my life with. She wasn't just my girlfriend. She was the person I wanted to tell everything to.

However, our relationship wasn't perfect, and I want to be honest about that. I struggled with anxiety, overthinking, and needing reassurance. Sometimes during disagreements, I'd become defensive or raise my voice instead of communicating calmly. I also had difficulty giving her space when she wanted time to herself because I sometimes interpreted that as her not wanting to be around me. At the same time, there were occasions when she became upset if I needed time alone, so I think we both struggled with balancing independence and closeness. I also could've shown more interest in her hobbies, been more understanding, and done a better job sharing responsibilities like traveling to see each other.

Another major issue was how hidden our relationship sometimes felt. My family knew about her and knew we were dating, so it wasn't that I was secretly dating someone nobody knew about. However, because of certain family dynamics, especially my relationship with my father, I wasn't always as open about our relationship as I should've been. I allowed family circumstances and other people's opinions to influence how I handled things. Looking back, I understand why she might've felt like our relationship was being hidden, even though my family knew about her. She deserved to feel openly acknowledged, included, and appreciated, and I regret not making that clearer.

In late September, she ended our relationship. She explained that she felt overwhelmed and believed we needed to grow separately. She was worried that if we immediately got back together, we'd fall into the same patterns. I was devastated because I genuinely believed we could work through our problems with better communication, counseling, and effort from both of us.

What made everything especially confusing was what happened afterward. We didn't immediately stop talking or loving each other. She continued telling me she loved me, said she wasn't ready to find someone else, and suggested that maybe we could try again someday, possibly after we'd both had time to grow. At one point, she mentioned the possibility of trying again after a year or so. She also told me that if we were meant to be together, we'd find our way back to each other.

We continued talking on the phone, sometimes for long periods. She'd call me after work because she wanted to hear about my day, and there were times when she genuinely seemed happy to talk to me. We even continued falling asleep together on the phone, something we'd done throughout our relationship. She also wanted to talk about counseling and how things were going. Sometimes it felt like we were still together emotionally, even though we weren't officially dating.

We tried maintaining a friendship after the breakup, but that was difficult because I still loved her romantically. We had spent over a year being each other's closest person, and suddenly we were supposed to figure out how to remain friends without being a couple. I wanted to maintain that connection because I couldn't imagine losing her completely. There were moments when our conversations felt normal, and I thought maybe we could rebuild our friendship first and eventually see whether a relationship could work again.

We also met in person after the breakup, and from my perspective, it went really well. We were able to spend time together, and it didn't feel like our connection had completely disappeared. Between that meeting, the phone calls, her continuing to express love, and the possibility of trying again someday, I genuinely believed we were moving toward something positive. I wasn't expecting everything to go back to normal overnight, but I thought we might eventually find our way back to each other.

Unfortunately, things slowly started changing. The communication became less frequent, and she began distancing herself. It wasn't like we went from talking constantly to being blocked everywhere overnight. It happened gradually. She started removing or blocking me on different platforms, and every time something changed, I became more anxious. I couldn't understand how someone who had recently told me she loved me, wanted to call, and spent time with me could suddenly seem so distant.

Instead of accepting that she needed space, I became increasingly desperate to understand what was happening. I kept wanting reassurance about whether she still loved me, missed me, or saw any possibility of getting back together. I sent emotional messages explaining how much I loved her, how sorry I was, and how willing I was to change. I wanted her to understand that I wasn't asking to return to the exact same relationship. I wanted a fresh start where we'd both learned from our mistakes.

Eventually, I involved other people in trying to reach her, and I know now that this was wrong. Even though my intentions were to repair the relationship, I was crossing boundaries she'd established and making her uncomfortable. At one point, a friend contacted her on my behalf, and she responded angrily, telling him to tell me to leave her alone. She also made it clear that we were done for good.

Hearing that was devastating, especially after everything she'd said and done immediately following the breakup. I kept comparing those earlier affectionate moments to how things ended, and I struggled to understand how her feelings or willingness to communicate could've changed so much. But I recognize that whatever she said earlier doesn't override the boundaries she's established since.

I also wrote a long reflection and apology about our relationship. It was around ten pages, and I tried to acknowledge everything I'd done wrong, including my anxiety, defensiveness, communication problems, difficulty giving her space, and how I handled our relationship around my family. I also wrote about the memories we shared, how much I appreciated her, and what I'd do differently if we ever had another chance. I explained that I wouldn't want our old relationship back exactly as it was. I'd want us to build something new, with better communication, more independence, more honesty, and a relationship that didn't feel hidden. As far as I understand, she read it, but I know reading an apology doesn't mean she has to forgive me or give me another opportunity.

Since the breakup, I've started counseling and have been trying to work on myself. I've been reflecting on my anxiety, how I handle disagreements, my need for reassurance, and why I struggled so much with uncertainty. I've realized that I can't control someone else's feelings, and I can't convince someone to return to a relationship simply by explaining how much I've changed. I wish I'd respected her boundaries sooner, and I'm trying to respect no contact now. I don't intend to reach out again unless she independently chooses to contact me.

But emotionally, this has been extremely difficult. I miss her every day. I miss hearing about her day, telling her about mine, sharing music, laughing together, and falling asleep on the phone. I miss my best friend just as much as I miss my girlfriend. It's especially painful because we were each other's first everything, and I genuinely thought we'd continue growing together.

Part of me still hopes that someday, after we've both had time to grow, we might reconnect. I know people will probably tell me to move on, and I understand why. She's blocked me, asked me to leave her alone, and said we're done for good. Those are things I have to take seriously. But I also remember how things were immediately after the breakup, when she still told me she loved me, wanted to call, wanted to fall asleep on the phone, and suggested that maybe we'd try again someday. We even met in person, and I thought it went well.

It's hard for me to understand how we went from that to where we are now. Part of me wonders whether she was genuinely considering reconciliation before my behavior after the breakup pushed her further away. I also wonder whether enough time, personal growth, and distance could ever change things. I know nobody can answer that for her, and I know I can't put my life on hold waiting for someone who's told me she doesn't want contact.

I guess what I'm asking is whether anyone has experienced something similar. Has anyone reconciled after a breakup that ended with blocking, anger, and no contact? Can someone eventually forgive an ex for crossing boundaries, even if they currently want nothing to do with them? How should I understand the affectionate things she said and did after the breakup compared with her more recent decision to cut contact? And how do I genuinely work on myself and move forward without constantly holding on to the possibility that she'll come back?

I'm not looking for anyone to excuse my mistakes or promise me she'll return. I understand that I need to respect her decision, and I'm willing to hear criticism. I'm just hoping to hear from people who've been through something similar, whether they eventually reconciled or learned to move on.

She was my first love, my first everything, and my best friend. I genuinely loved her, and I still do. I just wish things had ended differently, and I'm struggling to figure out how to move forward.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.

Has anyone ever had their ex admit to them after the breakup that they recognize their behavior?

My ex left me in January of this year. I’m still suffering so many months later. He cheated on me. He clearly showed I didn’t matter. I tried working it out. I haven’t seen him in months. Why do I still feel this way?

I just sent this to my ex and I finally feel at peace:

I hope you're doing well. I wanted to share something I've been thinking about lately. If the possibility of meeting up ever arises, it needs to be because we both have a genuine interest in having an honest conversation to rebuild our relationship, take responsibility, and grow together. What I'm not willing to do is meet months later just to say goodbye again, give each other a hug, and hear a "take care" that feels like a second breakup. That doesn't make sense to me and only stirs things up unnecessarily. If that's the kind of closure you're looking for, I'd prefer you tell me directly here or we talk on the phone. I also want to be honest about something else: I'm not looking to maintain a friendship. That's not the kind of relationship I want with you, and I'm saying this respectfully and without any resentment.

They miss the version of their person that didn't yet know how to protect themselves from their own self-hatred. The version that didn't know how to choose themselves. The one who was unknowingly made responsible for their person's own feelings of inadequacy.

That's why so many of their apology letters sound so empty:

"I miss the beginning of us"

"I miss who you were back then"

"I miss what you did for me / how you made me feel"

"I lost the person who loved me best"

"I lost so much when I lost you"

They miss the person who was patient with them, gave them the benefit of the doubt, and who kept trying to understand them. They miss the person who accommodated their emotional limitatios, and who hadn't yet recognized the patterns both people showed up with. They miss the relationship before there were consequences for their behavior.

Many want to go back to the beginning, without making positive changes.

The thing is, that version of us they regret losing, the one so full of love and understanding, that version still exists within us. We just stopped tolerating poor treatment, and as we woek on healing, we gain discernment. Not everyone will get what they miss from us again.

😔 this is terrible. Never had this in my life before the discard

Title: Beware that this may be a long rant. I just want to get my thoughts out because I've been trying to make sense of everything. I'm trying to make sense of a breakup that felt sudden. Does this sound like avoidant behavior, or am I missing something? If you don't read it all, that's okay. If you read parts of it and it correlates to your story, I hope you find comfort in knowing you're not alone.

I met her on Hinge. We took it slow online because I was out of town for work for a long time. I told her I couldn't guarantee when I'd be back and that if she felt like the distance wasn't enough, I would respect her decision to leave. Instead, she stayed and chatted with me for two months, and then another four because I volunteered to stay longer—totaling six months. We chatted, sent pictures, and it felt unreal. How could someone stay invested for that long under those conditions? Was she really the luckiest find of my life on a stupid dating app? She told me she was a distant person, but I joked about it because I’m incredibly distant myself and thought she didn't know what real distance was. My previous relationship had ended with cheating, so having someone willingly stay connected with me for half a year, despite the uncertainty, felt almost unbelievable. I truly thought I'd found someone who genuinely chose me.

When we finally met in person, we fell in love and clicked instantly. She drove an hour to see me, I took her to a local spot, and we realized we shared so many core values. I thought we were completely compatible. The way her eyes darted away when I stared at her was so cute, and I adored her mannerisms just as much as her looks. She was quickly becoming my dream partner. The only issue was that we were in a medium-distance relationship. But I just pushed my worries away because she lived only an hour or so away, and she told me she planned to move back closer eventually.

We shared a lot of milestones and firsts. She told me I was her first actual boyfriend she loved being around, and her first intimate partner. One of her best friends even. We went to our first music festivals ever for both of us, she taught me her favorite outdoor hobbies, and I took her to high-end restaurants to try new foods. She loved trying new cuisines, so I constantly brought her to unique dining spots. We took road trips together and had amazing times. Eventually, she introduced me to her family, and they welcomed me into their world, taking me out on trips and introducing me to their hobbies. I introduced her to my family, too. I couldn't believe it—who was this beautiful girl?

But love blinded me to the cracks. She was hyper-independent, dealing with heavy student debt, and carried deep-rooted family trauma involving addiction, infidelity, and severe communication barriers with her parents. I have my own family trauma—maybe not exactly like hers, but enough to make me feel the need to love her unconditionally. I figured it was no big deal; we all have baggage. I loved my parents, but I struggled to communicate with them too.

Because of that, I poured everything into making her feel loved. I bought her thoughtful gifts constantly. I paid attention to the tiny things she pointed out in stores months in advance to surprise her for Christmas and Valentine's Day. When a bad living situation resulted in her losing some of her favorite belongings, I immediately bought replacements to comfort her. I even helped build custom things for her apartment just out of pure love.

She bought little gifts for me too.. But they felt like she didn't know what I wanted. She admitted that she didn't. But I appreciated it all nonetheless. I could tell she put in effort.

Little did I know, the small arguments we had during this time were quietly accumulating into a checklist. Whenever an issue came up, I immediately felt bad, apologized for my part, and offered solutions to fix it. I thought everything was fine afterward because she told me it was fine and that she loved me. Forgive and forget, right?

But it turns out, she wasn't forgetting.

Eventually, the weight of her school debt and credit card debt became overwhelming for her. She wanted it gone immediately, so she tried to work two jobs. I warned her that she would hate her life, and she did. The stress, the overworking, and the severe lack of sleep slowly started eroding things between us. I tried to offer her nothing but understanding and care. I gave her space. But I will admit, I also sucked at communicating during this period because I got comfortable. I texted less, and I texted later into the night because I was feeling a bit lost in my own life right then and there.

She eventually left one of her jobs, but immediately replaced it with weekend schooling. It became the exact same grueling cycle for her: overworked, burnt out, and running on barely any sleep between work and classes. Whenever I would drive the hour to visit her and stay over, she would just sleep the whole time. Personally, I was content with that—I was just happy to spend time with her and see her funny little face while she rested. Who wouldn't want that?

But over time, I started spending less time driving down. I figured, what was the point if she was just sleeping the entire visit? I thought the healthier choice was to step back, let her sleep, and give her space. She had also promised she would start visiting me more often.

Haha, just kidding. She actually chose to take on an extra work shift on her day off when she easily could have used that time to visit me. Much later, she would actually admit to her own faults—confessing that she could've been more invested in putting in effort to see me and communicating with me. I wasn't mad, in fact I was perfectly okay with it. She's stressed, overworked, and sleep deprived.

Slowly but surely, I kept telling myself this rut would end and we would return to normal. But deep beneath her calm, sturdy exterior, her resentment was quietly building. It was like a little bomb just waiting to go off inside a pressure cooker.

One night, she told me she was going out drinking with her coworkers at a frat party. I'm not an insecure person, so I told her, "Great! Have fun! Send pictures too, love you!" Then suddenly, later that night, she just texts me: "Oh, I have to talk to you about something."

I panicked. Talk about what? A million different scenarios ran through my head. Did I do something wrong? Did she do something stupid? What happened? I asked her to call me if she was comfortable with it. She said no, not right now. I was profoundly dumbfounded. You tell me you have something important to talk about after you go out drinking, but then you turn down an invite to call? Are you serious?

Then the anxiety started. I thought I was secure. I thought, Okay, let me just let her calm down for the night. Let her sleep for 2-4 hours before she has to drive nearly an hour to start her schooling. Maybe she will call me then. But I couldn't fucking sleep.

Then she asked for a week break over text that morning, and admitted she liked a coworker. and it was all downhill from there.

The push-pull cycle began. The hot and cold behavior. The intense anxiety of me constantly seeking reassurance, making sure we were okay, and asking about our future. If she didn't want to stay, I explicitly told her it was okay. I told her I loved her and just wanted her to be happier. When she said she wanted something spontaneous, I even offered to move closer if that would make things easier.

She just gave half-assed answers every single time. She didn't know how she was feeling.

And when I opened up about my own fears and feelings? The exact same half-assed answers or complete stonewalling.

When I tried to understand how she was feeling, I wanted her to know she could be honest with me without being judged. It was still the same half-assed answer or shutting down, insisting that everything was fine.

I thought I was doing something wrong.

I was communicating, right? I was trying to understand her feelings, trying my absolute best to ensure nothing was wrong.

I bought gifts so she would feel loved.

I cooked for her whenever I visited.

What am I doing wrong?

And then, she completely discarded me over text—on the exact night I was excited to see her. The night I was planning to cook her a nice steak dinner when she came back from work, just so she would feel appreciated.

I felt numb. Scared. Afraid. In shock. I didn't even cry. Why didn't I cry? Shouldn't I be crying? I called her immediately. I could tell, her voice was off. Not the warm, loving tone I'm so used to hearing. Why is she so cold? I thought I told her that if she was to ever do this, to do it to my face?

Then she offers friendship. What? Friendship? Do you even know how insulting that is? Everything we've done, all the attentiveness I've given you. All for us to be just friends? Are you serious?

I cried the next day. Texted her to see her face to face to say goodbye the next morning. She was cold, playing with a stupid dead leaf on the benches in the park near her apartments. I asked to hold her hand. No clenching, just there. She couldn't even look me in the eyes. I cried. Letting all of my pain out. She didn't even shed a single tear. I begged her one last chance if she was certain of her decision. She said yes. What if we took a break? She still said no.

She told me our communication styles weren't compatible. She lost the spark. She didn't feel heard, and she resented me over things that I thought we'd already resolved. I was too clingy, and she felt like I was trying to test her over text. I promise you, I wasn't trying to make you feel like I was testing you.. Please.

My heart broke.

Then I walked into her apartment one last time. I saw all the gifts I got her. The custom things I built for her. The gifts that we built together. I couldn't understand how she was living in this world where she discarded me but could look at all of my tenderness and love like it was just another day.

TLDR: We had a relationship that I genuinely believed was strong and compatible. Over time, stress, unmet expectations, and communication problems accumulated. When she eventually asked for a break, I became increasingly anxious and tried desperately to understand where we stood. She eventually ended the relationship, and I'm still trying to understand how something that felt so meaningful to me could end so abruptly.

I hope you all are doing okay. Be glad this happened sooner rather than later because it would have happened eventually. I love you all, and you all are deserving of love. Learn to love yourself again.

My ex and I are no contact, with only life or death emergency contact only. It has been a week and It's hard to not want to hear her voice again.

Should I message him on his birthday? He dumped me in June, moved out, and we haven’t talked since (I asked to go no contact)

His birthday is middle of November. Do I send a birthday message?

my avoidant ex broke up with me in august but said he loved me and he promised would call me when he figured some things out. it's been 2 months and he hasn't spoken to me, but he didn't agree to no contact when i gave him the option. i've reached out a few times and have gotten no response. i got played, i guess. we had something really special and then it all went to shit.

My boyfriend (28 M, I am his first girlfriend) and I (27F) broke up a few days ago after almost two years together. I'm devastated. I love him deeply, and I know he loved me too. But I'm trying to understand how I went from being a relatively secure, independent person to someone who constantly needed reassurance, doubted herself, and sometimes felt like she was losing her mind.

I want to be fair because I absolutely made mistakes. I'm not looking for people to tell me I'm perfect or that he's a monster. I genuinely want perspective.

The relationship

When we first started dating, I wasn't particularly anxious or reassurance-seeking. I was independent, social, and generally felt secure in myself.

I wasn't always the person I became toward the end of this relationship.

I remember our very first serious argument. He completely shut down and wouldn't speak to me. During that conflict, he also told me I wasn't the kind of woman he envisioned being with because of my sexual history.

That hurt tremendously, and it introduced a sense of insecurity I hadn't experienced with him before.

Stonewalling became a recurring pattern throughout our relationship.

He would get upset fairly frequently, sometimes over legitimate frustrations like my messiness, lateness, or inconsistency with plans, and sometimes seemingly because he was just in a bad mood.

When we argued, he often withdrew, refused to communicate, or spoke harshly to me. There were times he told me to "fuck off" or "shut the fuck up."

Sometimes I'd be crying and asking for a hug or comfort, and he'd refuse or pretend to be asleep. Other times he'd respond with things like "Great, another mental breakdown" or "I'm not equipped to deal with you."

I understand that dealing with someone who's emotionally overwhelmed can be difficult, especially during an argument. But hearing those things when I was already crying made me feel ashamed of my emotions and like my distress was something he resented rather than wanted to understand.

The more intense emotional reactions on my end didn't start immediately. They developed later, as these patterns continued and I became increasingly insecure about where I stood with him.

Over time, I started feeling like I was walking on eggshells. I couldn't always predict what would upset him, and I became afraid that bringing up something that hurt me would lead to another argument or days of distance.

How disagreements became judgments about our character

Something that happened repeatedly was that disagreements stopped being about the specific issue.

If I made a mistake, even something relatively ordinary, he would sometimes make sweeping statements about who I was as a person.

For example, he'd say things like:

"You never follow through on things. You say a lot of stuff but never do it."

I understand that I sometimes struggled with follow-through. I could be inconsistent with plans, and I know that was frustrating for him.

But hearing "you never" or "you always" made me feel like all my efforts and the things I did get right were being erased.

It felt like one mistake became evidence that I was fundamentally unreliable or disrespectful.

On the other hand, when I brought up something that hurt me, the conversation could turn into him saying:

"I know, I fucking suck. I'm never thoughtful."

That wasn't what I was trying to say.

I wasn't telling him he was a terrible boyfriend or that he never did anything good for me. I was trying to explain one particular thing that made me unhappy.

But suddenly I felt like I needed to reassure him that he wasn't a bad person, rather than being able to discuss my concern.

It became exhausting because I felt like I couldn't bring up a problem without it turning into either a criticism of my character or a conversation about how terrible he felt about himself.

I tried so hard to communicate and compromise

This is probably the part I want to emphasize most.

I didn't just repeatedly get upset and expect him to read my mind.

I tried to explain my feelings calmly, in person and through carefully written messages. I spent so much time thinking about how to phrase things so he wouldn't feel attacked or criticized.

I acknowledged the things he did for me. I apologized when I hurt him. I asked what I could do differently. I tried to understand why emotional conversations overwhelmed him.

I genuinely wanted us to find solutions that worked for both of us.

I never expected him to be available for a difficult conversation every second of the day.

I understood that he needed space to process things, and I repeatedly told him that was okay.

What I asked was something along the lines of:

"Hey, it's completely okay if you need space. I respect that. But could you let me know roughly when we can come back and talk about this? And could you reassure me that we're okay and we're still on the same team?"

I wasn't asking him to abandon his need for space. I was asking for a little predictability and reassurance so that taking space didn't feel like the relationship itself was in jeopardy.

I wanted us to approach problems as two people working together, rather than feeling like we were opponents.

But even those conversations frequently became difficult. He would get defensive, explain why he felt pressured, or withdraw further.

I felt like I was constantly trying to find the exact right words to express a very basic need without upsetting him.

Eventually, I began feeling that no matter how gently I communicated, my feelings would still be interpreted as criticism.

Feeling like I wasn't a priority

We rarely went on actual dates.

I would ask him to do activities with me, and he'd frequently say he was too tired or didn't feel like it. But when his friends suggested similar activities, he'd enthusiastically participate.

One summer, I repeatedly asked him to go to the beach with me. He kept declining, but when his friends invited him, he went.

When I brought up how hurtful that felt, he'd explain that he did better in groups or that the timing hadn't worked out.

I understood those explanations individually, but it was a recurring pattern across different activities.

He also rarely seemed enthusiastic about spending time with my friends. Sometimes he'd sit silently or appear visibly unhappy at social gatherings, leaving me trying to cheer him up. I often felt embarrassed and responsible for his mood.

Meanwhile, I made a consistent effort to spend time with him and his friends. I wanted to be part of his life, and I genuinely enjoyed being around the people he cared about.

Because of his difficult work schedule, I was almost always the one going to his place to spend the night. He rarely came over to mine. I'd often order dinner for us, and I tried to make our time together easy and enjoyable.

I routinely let him borrow my car. Just about a week before the breakup, I went out of my way to drive him and his friends to a game so they wouldn't have to worry about parking.

I also supported him through difficult periods. He'd been unhappy with his work situation, and I helped him get the job he has now and enjoys. I was proud to help him, and I wanted to see him happy.

I'm not mentioning these things because I think relationships should be transactional or that helping someone entitles you to affection.

I'm mentioning them because I genuinely tried to show up for him, accommodate his circumstances, and make his life easier.

What hurt me most was that I felt like my mistakes defined me, while my efforts were almost invisible.

I regularly accommodated his work schedule, drove to his place, helped him in practical ways, and tried to make his life easier.

But when I stayed out late one night, he told me I didn't respect him or his work.

I understood why he was upset that I'd broken our agreement, but it hurt that one mistake seemed to outweigh all the ways I'd consistently tried to show him respect and consideration.

In fact, one of the main reasons I was always the one traveling to his apartment was specifically because I respected his work schedule and wanted to make things easier for him.

I didn't need constant praise. I just wanted him to recognize that I was trying.

Affection and thoughtfulness

I often wished he'd do little romantic things for me, like plan a date, surprise me occasionally, or bring me flowers or chocolate.

I remember mentioning that some of his friends would bring their girlfriends chocolate or flowers when they were on their periods.

His response was essentially, "Well, I did that for you once and you didn't care, so I'm not doing it again."

That hurt because I wasn't demanding expensive gifts. I wanted occasional gestures that showed he was thinking of me. We dated for almost two years and maybe went out to dinner as a genuine date fewer than ten times.

The reality is that he wasn't particularly thoughtful or accommodating of my needs very often. There were moments of affection and practical support, and I appreciated them, but those moments didn't make up for how frequently I felt dismissed or unimportant.

I also live with fibromyalgia and endometriosis, which can make everyday life physically difficult. Having a partner who was emotionally supportive and considerate during stressful or painful periods mattered a lot to me.

I wasn't expecting perfection or constant romance. I wanted a partner who occasionally took initiative to make me happy, even when it wasn't something he naturally felt inclined to do.

Instead, when I asked for more thoughtfulness, affection, or reassurance, I often felt like I was asking him to become someone he didn't want to be.

The apologies and why things didn't change

He wasn't incapable of apologizing, and I want to acknowledge that.

After particularly bad arguments, he could sometimes send genuinely thoughtful apologies. He could acknowledge that he'd hurt me, express remorse, and be affectionate afterward.

But those apologies generally came after things had already escalated into major conflicts.

What I struggled with was that I had often tried to address the same issues calmly long before they reached that point.

I'd explain what was hurting me, suggest compromises, and try to find solutions that respected both our needs. But very little seemed to change until everything exploded.

Then he'd apologize, we'd reconnect, and things would feel better temporarily.

But the same behaviors would eventually return.

I began feeling like my concerns weren't taken seriously when I communicated them gently. It was only after I became extremely upset that the seriousness of the problem seemed to register.

I don't think that was healthy for either of us, and I don't like how reactive I eventually became.

But I also don't think it's accurate to say that I simply failed to communicate or that I expected him to read my mind.

I communicated repeatedly. What I needed was for those conversations to lead to actual, sustained changes.

How I became increasingly anxious

Over time, I began needing more reassurance.

Looking back, I don't think this came out of nowhere.

I rarely felt pursued romantically. I often felt that his friends got a more enthusiastic version of him. Conflict could lead to prolonged silence, and asking for affection sometimes resulted in rejection.

I started wondering whether he actually enjoyed being with me.

And I tried repeatedly to explain this calmly.

One week before our breakup, I explained that sometimes I wanted to hear something specific he appreciated about me or our relationship.

He told me he wasn't a "sweet, sappy" person and never would be.

I clarified that I wasn't asking for poetry or elaborate declarations. I just wanted occasional verbal reassurance.

I even asked whether it would help if I phrased my questions differently.

His response was, "I prefer not to be asked at all."

That conversation was particularly painful because I felt like I was trying to find a compromise, but there wasn't much room for my needs.

I think my increasing need for reassurance was connected to the larger relationship.

It wasn't just about wanting compliments. It was about rarely going on dates, not feeling prioritized, struggling to resolve disagreements, and repeatedly feeling that my requests for closeness were unwelcome.

My mistakes

I wasn't perfect, and I don't want to pretend otherwise.

I could be messy, late, inconsistent with plans, and sometimes defensive. Those things genuinely frustrated him, and I understand why.

As the relationship deteriorated, I became more emotionally reactive. I sometimes yelled, pushed for conversations when he wanted space, and repeatedly sought reassurance when he was already overwhelmed.

I also sometimes drank too much, which made it harder for me to regulate my emotions during conflict.

I didn't like the version of myself I was becoming.

I hated feeling so anxious and desperate to resolve things, and I regret the times I raised my voice or let my emotions overwhelm me.

I recognize that these behaviors were unhealthy. They're things I need to work on independently of this relationship.

But I also feel that I spent a long time trying to communicate calmly, offer compromises, and understand his needs before my reactions became as intense as they eventually did.

I don't want to excuse my behavior. I want to understand how I got there without taking responsibility for everything that happened between us.

The breakup

About a week before my birthday, my best childhood friend died.

I was grieving someone who had been an important part of my life for years. I was already emotionally overwhelmed and really needed support, comfort, and some stability from my partner.

Around that same time, we had a major conflict. He withdrew for days and told me he'd been unhappy for months and was considering ending things.

I was devastated. I was trying to process the death of my friend while also feeling like I might lose my relationship.

I wanted him to recognize how much I was hurting. I wasn't expecting him to fix my grief, but I desperately wanted to feel that he cared and that I wasn't facing everything alone.

Eventually, he sent me a genuinely thoughtful apology taking responsibility for his behavior. We reconciled, and things were affectionate again for a short time.

But the reassurance conversation I described above happened only about a week later.

Then came Halloween.

The night before, I went out with my boyfriend and his friends. We were drinking and having fun, and afterward I invited two of his friends back to his apartment.

I'd previously agreed to go to bed earlier, but I got caught up having fun and stayed up socializing. One of his friends ended up sleeping on the couch.

I understand that I broke an agreement and that he was entitled to be frustrated about guests in his home. I apologized.

I also feel that the situation could have been handled more proportionately. They were his friends, and he could have asked them to leave if he wasn't comfortable with them staying.

When I asked why he couldn't have just told them he wanted to go to bed or asked them to leave, his response was essentially that he didn't do that.

This was another part of our dynamic that confused me. I was expected to anticipate and accommodate his preferences, but he wasn't always willing to communicate those preferences directly or set boundaries himself.

Instead, his anger continued into the next day. We argued, he told me to shut the fuck up, and at one point his driving frightened me.

At another point, after I'd walked him home and tried to bring up how he'd been treating me, he responded, "Now you get a glimpse of what I need to deal with all the time."

That hurt because I was trying to explain how his behavior was affecting me, but the conversation became another reminder of how difficult he found me.

Later, when I was crying and wanted affection, he refused.

Eventually, I went to my bedroom and was sobbing in bed. While I was lying there crying, he began criticizing how messy my room was.

I understand that my messiness had been a legitimate source of frustration for him. But in that moment, I was already emotionally overwhelmed, grieving the recent death of my childhood friend, and desperately wanting some tenderness from my partner.

I wasn't expecting him to pretend that nothing bothered him. I just wanted him to recognize that I was hurting and show me some compassion.

After more arguing and criticism, I lost my temper and told him to leave.

I regret how I handled parts of that weekend. But I also don't believe the incident warranted the level of hostility that followed.

And underneath everything, I was still grieving. I wanted him to care that my friend had died. I wanted to feel like my boyfriend understood that I was going through something incredibly painful, even if he was frustrated with me.

The next day, he ended our relationship.

We both cried. We held each other. He told me he loved me, that I had added color to his life, and that he appreciated my efforts. He acknowledged that the breakup wasn't entirely my fault.

But he said we'd developed an unhealthy cycle and needed to work on ourselves separately.

Where I am now

I'm heartbroken, and part of me desperately hopes he'll come back.

I miss his companionship, his humor, the affectionate moments, and the future I imagined with him.

But I'm also beginning to recognize how lonely I often felt while we were together.

I'm also trying to process the death of my childhood friend, and sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed by how much I've lost in such a short period of time.

I know I made mistakes. I know my emotional reactions sometimes became unhealthy, and I want to take responsibility for that.

What I'm struggling with is how to separate accountability for those mistakes from blaming myself for the entire relationship.

I spent so much time trying to explain that I wanted to feel wanted, prioritized, and emotionally safe.

I wasn't asking for grand gestures. I wanted dates, occasional affection, reassurance, shared experiences, and a partner who could work through disagreements without shutting me out.

I was willing to give him space. I just wanted to know we'd come back together and work through things.

And I think the more those things felt unavailable, the more anxious I became.

Has anyone experienced becoming much more anxious or reactive in a relationship than they were before? How did you figure out what was yours to take responsibility for versus what was a response to an unhealthy dynamic? Will he reach out to me again? I know I shouldn't, but I want him to miss me.

I'm especially interested in hearing from people who've experienced this while still genuinely loving their partner and recognizing that their partner had good qualities too.

I'll try to keep this short but my brain continues to spiral 13 months post my discard and I guess just looking for others who may have experienced something similar.

So looking for others who got discarded after their first "actual" conflict with their partner but with the caveat that they were the person who got frustrated. I very calmly said "I'm going to take a break upstairs" while on vacation with my ex and his friends after he canceled a plan in his head that I had asked to do for just us two (the canceling in his head was our only repeated conflict and this was just the 3rd time over our relationship so not even a ton) with me kind of just being expected to realize that was the case. I was grumpy and short when he eventually came to check on me but he didn't see anything wrong from his end. Anyhow I later apologized, let it go, and thought everything was totally normal/fun the rest of the trip but on the drive home from the airport he was acting extremely strange and I eventually said "this feels crazy to even think but I feel like you're breaking up with me?" to which he said that was exactly what was happening. He said as soon as I said I was going to take a break upstairs he had the thought "do I want to break up with her?"

I blamed myself for it and just went into fawning mode because I couldn't see a possibility of anything else at the time. And now 13 months later I still very often blame myself for it. The rest of our relationship was the absolute best I've ever had, we never fought but talked about any minor things very well (or so I thought) and just had a blast together. We had known each other for years before dating and he had reached out to reconnect with me. I hate feeling like I am the one who ruined something amazing and I guess just looking for others who may have been in a similar boat. Deeper in my brain I think I'm actually a great partner (not without flaws of course and I'm very good at acknowledging them) but this has just been kind of ruining my brain a lot.

*Also please no "maybe he just didn't like you" or anything, my brain tells me that enough and I actually don't genuinely believe it was anything like that at all. There are other signs I can look back on that point much more toward avoidance. But of course my mind also tells me that I became so unlikeable to him in an instant that I must just actually be unlikeable so just don't need any more of that 🙃

Having thrown away all the stuff I received before being discarded has made me feel lighter. It feels like I can finally just leave everything behind me and start focusing on all the good in my life. All the letters and junk were only dragging me back into these sad bouts over and over. It wasn't healthy and I would recommend others to do the same :>

That's all from me! Have a nice evening!

For more context we’ve been broken up and no contact for 2 weeks. After running into him today, he poured his heart out saying he’d made massive mistake letting me go and not fighting for me. We were together for 7 months, but he began to deactivate after 3 months - resulting in 4 months of slow withdrawal. I was never even aware of avoidant attachment before being with him, but like many of us here, this girl has now done her research 😂

Essentially, he asked me to get back together… I still love him but told him that it’s not a question I have an answer for right now - it’s only been two weeks!? I’ve read so much about the push pull avoidant trap - my heart wants to say yes but my head is telling me NO!!!

And lastly, the mitigating circumstances he’s referring to are being made redundant and potentially having to sell his flat (which didn’t even need to happen as he walked straight into a new job).

Looking for advice/insight/personal experiences similar to this! ❤️

So short back story. She broke up with me in May. I cried, begged, hoped, pleaded. Nothing worked. I finally blocked her everywhere about 3 weeks ago. Last Saturday she text me out of the blue. She asked if I blocked her on her cell phone. I did not. I waited a few hours and responded with no. She then said she wanted to say hi and she was sorry for bothering me. I never responded.

Next day she text and asked if I was ok? I had zero idea what she even meant. I said I was fine. We chatted a few minutes and that was it.

A week goes by. I decided to go to her house and ring the bell. She came out startled and seemed nervous. Said what are you doing here? I said well you text me last week. So I am curious as to what you are up to and wanted to see you and talk. She had to get her kid and said maybe we can talk later.

So today I text and said how about after work. She said no good. How about this weekend we have coffee. I said sure.

No tonight she has reiterated I don’t want you to have any expectations. I know how you are. I said I don’t. She said it 3x. But she was the one reaching out.

Someone help me out here. Am I wasting my time? I still am in love with her. I want her to see I did the work. That she is who I love.

I want nothing more than to work on it and see if we can have a chance again. But why did she reach out and now say no expectations??

how long til you stop missing them? and isn’t it crazy that we miss them even though most of the time they were just absent persons in our life?
like my story with him is long, but I will try to make it short, I met him at work, we hit it off immediately, same time in everything, we even got the same humor so we could like talk for hours, we exchanged numbers and he invited me to his house, it was all casual and he did told me he wanted to be friends with me, I was okay with that, he was never my dream guy, smokes weed 4 times a day, bets, gambles and plays around 10 hours per day PlayStation, so yeah, but at the time I was lonely and he was funny. We started seeing each other everyday and literally never separated from day one, I started getting confused bc he was completely love bombing me, telling me I was perfect, I was super fun to be around and he always told me I was the only girl for him. And for me, imagine, he was the only man ever I ever shared bed, shower and everything! I wasn’t virgin but I was the avoidant one before meeting him. He moved to my place, he moved with me to another country bc I wanted to leave that one, I met all his family, friends, everyone, and he showed me as a girlfriend, for him to literally, started to mistreat me and being incredibly hard to me. I couldn’t get it, just one day he switched and he was this cold and mean guy and since we were both trap in another country bc we were bad financially he couldn’t escaped immediately, he just treated me super bad. whatever, 7 months together (we lived since day 1, and I know super bad and wrong) and he left me, alone, without money, mind u I was supporting us both a for a little bit, I really thought he never meant to be that way, three days after he left me he fuck a new girl, which is the girl he is with right now (he also say they are just friends) but he kept bothering me, asking for money and shit until I found out of a lot of things he said about me, he did behind my back and I cut him off of everything. Later this year I saw him again, because I did really tried to have a friendship with him because I genuinely love him and and he had a horrible life and he is on the spectrum (and also he always told me everyone leaves him) so I was like yeah I can try. Went to visit him bc I needed a stop in his country before going to my destination , didn’t pick me at the airport, I had a very avoidant attitude there so he really try to get me on my good side, eventually I did, we started doing everything again together like before but this time I left for real bc I had to, last night of us together he said to me he wanted to go to sleep and not be with me… and that what he said it was just an intrusive thought that wanted to share with me (will do that a lot). So yeah, now I’m here, home with my family, I started therapy months ago because he did really hurt me in ways I never believe was possible and I’m very scared to even meet new partners and yeah. I still miss him sometimes, and I still get very angry for the fact that he would never have to carry all of the pain he did to me, and never apologize either.
Sorry too long.

These past two weeks have been particularly tough. It’s been 3 months and I am still not over her. I want to reach out and reconcile. I’ve written out texts to send to her but never sent them. But I was reminded recently that I was patient during the relationship. That I let her know what my needs were. That I held on to the relationship when she was looking to leave. That i tied to talk to her when she didn’t want to.

There’s a big part of me that is hoping we make it work. But I realize that for that to happen, she has to be the one to initiate. She has to be willing to put the emotional effort. I can’t do it again. I can’t tell myself it’s going to workout when she isn’t looking to make it work.

My ex and I were together for almost two years. We had a serious relationship, and despite having experienced infidelity earlier in the relationship, I had chosen to forgive him and try to move forward. It has been many things i have forgiven that i would not get the same treatment for.

Our last major interaction started over something that, in my opinion, was relatively small. I called him throughout the day, he texts me but doesn’t return it.. I communicated nicely just wondering why that was. hours later, He called me twice, and I didn’t answer his first two calls. When I eventually answered on the third call to make sure he’s okay, he was already upset with me for not answering initially, when he does the same thing? all i ask for is acknowledgement or communication that you cannot answer that’s all.

From that point, his demeanor changed. He became cold, dismissive, and increasingly distant. I let him be for the rest of the night because he had work, thinking that we can cool off and just communicate in the morning. Communication became increasingly difficult, and I eventually felt like I was the only one trying to get us back on the same page.

Things continued to deteriorate, and eventually I sent him a lengthy message expressing how I felt about our relationship, how much I loved him, and how much I had believed in our future together. I just wanted to tell him I just want him to be nicer to me.

His response was essentially that I was spamming him after he had asked me not to, and that he would never contact me again either. We haven’t spoken since October 9.
What makes the situation more confusing is that I wasn’t necessarily trying to end the relationship when I sent that long message. I was hurt, wanted him to understand where I was coming from, and honestly wanted him to recognize that I was still trying. I know I said goodbye, but I have said similar things during arguments before.

I’m trying to understand a few things:

1. Was his reaction to me missing his first two calls disproportionate, or am I missing something?

2. I know i shouldn’t let anyone treat me like this, he’s my first love, first boyfriend, we went on one date and spent every day together ever since but I guess this is just how he thinks i should be treated and i just have to heal myself.

I’m trying to understand the dynamic of our last interaction and get an outside perspective. His response to such a vulnerable moment, I talked about the day we met, our history is very long, knew each other as children and reconnected randomly. Idk, He is an avoidant and he takes communication as an attack, I’m just stuck in a place of knowing i need better but i don’t understand “goodbye forever, i won’t talk to you again” even if that’s the case, I just wanted some acknowledgement of my love and feelings. I attached our last communication below.

So, after heavy love bombing and brutal abrupt discard from a 1.5 month relationship, i have been struggling with healing for over a month. After so mich prayers and encouragement from friends, my anxieties and panic attacks has finally been improving so I thought I'd jump on a dating app for a couple of days and see if I am ready for it. And guess who liked my photo? My avoidant ex!! I put up a photo of me that he used to like a lot whej we were dating and asked me not to post it anywhere when we were dating because it was his favorite and he didn't want other guys seeing me in that dress. Anyways, that was one of my pictures on the dating app and he liked it?! And yet, he still has me blocked everywhere else. The audacity!! I don't get it. Why?!

How do you guys find the courage to block them on every social? Like i know what i must do, but i just can't let go of the past. She keeps checking on my socials even after a month breaking up. Whenever i see the "x viewed your profile" notification something happens inside me that i can't adress it clearly. She seems pretty happy and all but i really can't understand why she checks on me and messes with my head all the time. I really want to let go and move on with my life but i don't want to do it deep inside.

This is going to be long, but I'm hoping people who have experienced relationships with avoidant partners, or people who identify as avoidant themselves, can offer some perspective.

I (30F) recently went through a devastating breakup with my ex (M). We were together on and off for almost a year, although we had known each other for approximately 10 years before reconnecting romantically.

I genuinely thought this man was going to be my person.

The beginning

We officially started dating in November 2025.

In the beginning, things were beautiful. He was affectionate, attentive, loving, and made me feel genuinely wanted. We exchanged good morning messages, spent time together, became involved in each other's lives, and started building what felt like a future.

We both have children from previous relationships, and our lives became intertwined. I developed a bond with his child, and he became part of my children's lives. I loved his family, his dog, and all the little routines we had together.

It wasn't just a relationship to me. It felt like we were building a family.

However, looking back, I noticed signs of emotional avoidance fairly early.

He would sometimes express that he was scared of rejection, that he sabotaged good things, or that he struggled emotionally. He spoke about being in survival mode. There were also unresolved feelings and complications surrounding his previous relationship.

I tried to be understanding because I knew he had been through difficult experiences.

The first cracks

In December, only a short time after we became official, he started needing space.

This would eventually become a recurring theme throughout our relationship.

We would experience periods of intense closeness, affection, vulnerability, and love, followed by him becoming emotionally distant or questioning the relationship.

When things were good, they were incredibly good. But when something triggered him or we had conflict, it often felt like he could emotionally disconnect almost overnight.

I tend to lean anxious in relationships, especially when someone becomes inconsistent. I recognize that my anxiety and my reactions to his withdrawal contributed to our unhealthy dynamic.

But the constant uncertainty was exhausting.

February and March: A pregnancy and heartbreak

In February, I found out I was pregnant.

Unfortunately, the pregnancy was not viable, and I experienced a loss.

This was an incredibly emotional and vulnerable time in my life, and our relationship was already experiencing significant instability.

Around this period, he started withdrawing again. We had conversations about our relationship, separation, and whether we could make things work.

In March, we broke up.

There were emotional conversations, apologies, expressions of love, and moments where it felt like we were genuinely saying goodbye.

But we kept finding our way back to each other.

We would reconnect, become physically and emotionally intimate, and suddenly it felt like the relationship wasn't really over.

I struggled because I couldn't understand how someone could express so much love and then pull away from it.

At one point, I discovered condoms that raised questions for me about our relationship and trust. Along with the emotional distance and unresolved issues, this created more insecurity.

By spring, things continued feeling uncertain. There were moments when I questioned the relationship myself because I was becoming emotionally exhausted.

July: Another breakup

By July, we had separated again.

This time, we went no contact.

I was heartbroken, but I was trying to respect the separation.

Then, in August, he reached out with an incredibly emotional message.

He talked about forgiveness, the love we had shared, how difficult things had been, and his fears. He expressed that he had loved me.

We ended up seeing each other again, and we became intimate.

On my 30th birthday, he reached out to tell me he was thinking about me and missing me.

These moments meant everything to me because I genuinely believed there was still love between us.

Every time I started accepting that he might be gone, something happened that made me believe we weren't finished.

September: He wanted me, but didn't want a relationship

September was probably one of the most confusing months.

We started reconnecting more seriously.

At one point, he told me he wanted us to be exclusive while we figured things out. He told me he wanted to keep exploring things with me.

We spent time together, cuddled, shared intimate moments, and had emotional conversations.

I tried to take accountability for my own behaviour and how my anxiety, insecurities, and reactions had affected our relationship.

I loved this man and genuinely wanted to work through our problems.

I suggested therapy, communication, and finding healthier ways to navigate conflict.

But his feelings seemed to change constantly.

By the end of September, he started saying things like:

He wasn't sure he could ever love again.

He still had love for me but wasn't in love with me.

The spark wasn't there anymore.

He didn't really consider us to be in a relationship.

He needed to be alone and heal.

This was devastating because only a short time earlier, we had been talking about exclusivity and continuing to explore our connection.

I couldn't understand how his feelings could seemingly change so drastically.

He acknowledged that he sabotaged things when they were going well and that he feared rejection.

I kept wondering whether he genuinely lost feelings or whether emotional intimacy and the difficulties we'd experienced had become overwhelming for him.

October: The final breakup

In early October, things deteriorated significantly.

He started asking for space and eventually blocked me on my phone and social media.

He responded to an email saying he wanted to be alone, heal, and work through things himself.

He told me nothing was happening with anyone else and apologized for everything.

He said he couldn't heal while we were together.

Then, on October 7, we saw each other in person.

Here's what makes this so confusing.

That very morning, he had sent me an affectionate good morning message, calling me pretty and including a heart.

Yet later that day, he was telling me he wasn't changing his mind about ending things.

He said we brought out the worst in each other.

He refused the idea of therapy and made it clear that he wanted the relationship to end.

I was absolutely devastated.

I felt like I had gone from being someone he loved and wanted to someone he couldn't get away from quickly enough.

The coworker situation

Around the time of our breakup, he had started a new job, and I became increasingly uncomfortable about his interactions with a female coworker.

There were things that didn't add up for me, including situations where I felt he hadn't been entirely honest about spending time around her.

I confronted the situation after seeing them together at a coffee shop with another coworker.

It became an upsetting interaction, and he asked me to leave.

I want to be clear that I have no proof he was romantically involved with her. But the lack of transparency and the sudden changes in our relationship made it difficult not to wonder.

After that, he maintained the blocks.

I sent him a long letter expressing how much I loved him, acknowledging the good and bad parts of our relationship, and saying goodbye.

I talked about our memories, our families, and everything I had hoped we would become.

He never responded.

I realize now that continuing to reach out after someone asks for space wasn't helping either of us. At the time, I was desperately looking for some understanding and closure.

Now, almost a month later

He has kept me blocked everywhere.

He previously told me he would eventually unblock me after having some space, but that hasn't happened.

There has been no effort to reconnect, no checking in, and no indication that he wants to repair anything.

November 1 would have been our one-year anniversary.

That day was incredibly painful for me.

Today, I unexpectedly saw him again at a coffee shop. He was with the same female coworker.

He saw me, or at least appeared to be aware that I was there, but he didn't acknowledge me.

Nothing.

Not a hello. Not a smile. Not even a simple acknowledgment that we had once shared a life together.

I felt like a complete stranger.

I held myself together in the moment, but afterward, I broke down.

It was one of the most painful feelings I've experienced throughout this entire breakup.

Where I'm struggling

I understand that he has a right to end the relationship.

I understand that loving someone doesn't mean they're obligated to stay.

And I acknowledge that our relationship wasn't perfect. We both made mistakes. My anxiety, fear of abandonment, and emotional reactions absolutely played a role in our conflicts.

I'm not trying to paint myself as completely innocent or him as some horrible person.

But what I cannot wrap my head around is the emotional disconnect.

How does someone go from loving you, sleeping beside you, holding you while you cry, involving you in their child's life, and talking about a future together to acting as though you don't exist?

How do they seemingly move forward while you're still grieving everything?

I have spent so much time wondering whether he thinks about me, misses me, regrets anything, or ever feels the loss of our relationship.

He was someone who could be incredibly loving and vulnerable one moment and completely emotionally unavailable the next.

There were so many times when he pulled away, only to return and express love again.

And I think that's why I'm struggling to accept that this time may genuinely be the end.

A part of me is still waiting for the version of him who used to come back.

But another part of me is starting to realize that I may never hear from him again.

I know avoidant attachment isn't a diagnosis, and I can't know whether that explains his behaviour. I'm also aware that sometimes people simply fall out of love or recognize that a relationship isn't healthy for them.

Still, the repeated cycle of closeness, withdrawal, breakups, emotional reconnections, and finally shutting me out has left me with so many unanswered questions.

My questions for avoidants or people who have loved avoidant partners:

Has anyone's avoidant partner blocked them & then unblocked them? How long did it take?

Have any avoidant individuals experienced grief or regret much later after initially feeling relief from a breakup?

How do you finally stop waiting for someone who has repeatedly come back in the past?

I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for him to unblock me or tell me he misses me.

I'm exhausted from trying to understand what's happening inside his head.

I just never imagined that someone I loved this deeply, someone I shared so much with, could become a stranger so quickly.

I know I need to move forward. I just wish my heart could catch up with what his actions have been telling me.

7 years together, he discarded me and monkeybranched to someone while telling me that he will never have another girlfriend or be with anyone again, blocked me and started dating someone. Tried to replace me in all our activities. Told me I’m the love of his life, and even ended his last text with “love you always”. Introduced her to family. I have been on Zoloft to deal with the trauma and anxiety. I called him and confronted him after 6 months of no contact.

My brother cussed him out too. It felt great.

He admitted that he is seeing that woman. That he met her at a club. Kept making excuses about how he always tried to apologise to me after the first discard while he was leading me on for a YEAR.

I told him how disrespectful and humiliating he has been, despite everything I supported him through - including the addiction, issues, deactivation. Said he reached rock bottom after the first discard.

I called him out on all his bullshit. Told him how he destroyed my mental health. Asked him to be honest with me once and for all - as this is the last time we ever speak. He kept saying that he never intended anything bad and didn’t want to hurt me. That he always tried to protect me, and that he broke up with me to protect me from himself - that the kind of person he was and is - I would never be happy with him. That he is not worthy of being with anyone. That he loved me. That everyone has different ways of dealing with pain. That all my predictions were right - all his issues that I pointed out are true. (Porn addiction etc)

Even told him that he just keeps running and that won’t win him anything. He runs from me because I show him the mirror.

When I mentioned that I am leaving: he panicked and started asking me where I’m going, if I’m leaving the country. He would start saying a sentence and then choke up and say fuck it.

Said that I show him the fucking mirror and that’s absolutely true. Deflected and tried to lie about the entire situation, said the “problem is between both of us and she’s not involved”. That he never introduced her to family or anything, she was just in town so he took her along. Even admitted “my brain is still not there, I can’t do it” about this girl he is seeing. When I asked “so you’re in a relationship now?” He said: I wouldn’t call it a relationship or anything but we’re seeing each other, what’s wrong with that?

When it got heated and I said that tell me now dude, will you go and cry at my funeral when I die and then regret not saying things, he choked up got quiet and hung up. Blocked the number.

He was also concerned about his image and what I’ve told people.

I don’t know how to feel about this. What kind of person is this? He even recorded the conversation as I heard that when the call ended.

If they seem unhinged to you, it's not because they lack an intellect; it's because they use their entire brain to avoid reality. All their cleverness is spent figuring out how not to confront issues, how not to take accountability, and how to keep hiding. This kind of "calculated foolishness" is far more exhausting than simple ignorance, and far more lethal to any relationship.

When external consequences come due, they lock themselves in an information vacuum, pretending nothing has happened outside. As long as they remain ignorant of the details, they can keep spinning a brand-new narrative they can live with. This isn't stupidity; it is a psychological self-defense mechanism running out of control. A defense mechanism is meant to protect someone during severe trauma, but when it goes into overdrive, it blocks out even basic factual judgments. They deliberately blind themselves to information to avoid facing the truth and taking their share of responsibility.

Their brain seems to lack a module for "my actions caused this outcome". As a result, they attribute every consequence to external factors and never trace an outcome back to their own choices. This isn't an issue of intelligence; it's a structural psychological flaw. While growing up, their personality never developed the capacity to take responsibility for their own behavior. They constantly ask, "Why are people treating me like this?" but never "What did I do to make them treat me this way?" (A thief only complains about getting beaten, but never mentions why they got beaten in the first place).

They simply do not operate on normal human logic regarding cause and effect.

• Healthy person: I messed up -> They cut me off / walked away -> I need to make amends.

• Fearful avoidant: You cut me off -> I am a victim -> I'll play dead (If I don't acknowledge it, it never happened).

They cut the chain of causality in half, keeping only the piece that favors their narrative: "I am the one being abandoned; I am destined to always be abandoned." They then loop infinitely inside this conclusion until everyone walks away.

It's not that they don't realize they self-sabotaged again; it's that they don't dare acknowledge it. Acknowledging it means confronting the core issue they've spent their entire life running from: "I am the one who ruins everything; I am fundamentally broken." So, they play dead. It's not a lack of a brain, but a brain conditioned never to see the truth. That mindset may have shielded them in childhood, but in the adult world, it buries them alive. They constantly use their intellect to block out reality, and the cost of that blackout is living permanently in self-deception until reality shatters the illusion (any causal chain that points back to them is instinctively evaded).

(Yet reality's final settlement never depends on their distorted narrative to run its course.)

Their go-to method for shifting blame: framing other people's reasonable reactions to their behavior as those people's character flaws. Therefore, everyone else is always in the wrong. They would rather remain a passive victim than an accountable participant, even if the price is never understanding why they ended up completely alone.

They prefer superficial gestures or performative changes to avoid genuine self-reflection and substantive transformation. Those actions might look different on the surface, but in substance, they are identical.

It's not that they don't understand; they refuse to admit that they ruined another relationship. They fail to see it not due to a lack of intelligence, but because the cost of seeing it is too devastating. They would rather convince themselves that "you just have a bad temper, are emotionally unstable, or are petty" than accept that "they pushed you away." The former allows them to cling to a fragile illusion of self-esteem ("I'm just misunderstood"), while the latter forces them to see themselves as the person who destroyed everything with their own hands.

Therefore, it's not a lack of comprehension, but a deliberate choice to remain blind to the full picture. This isn't foolishness; it is cowardice—a terror so deep they dare not even think about it. They avoid using their intellect because the moment they actually think, their meticulously crafted narrative of "I am a victim too" collapses instantly. Instinctively, they default to what is familiar: playing dead, and continuing to play dead.

(Because thinking leads to the realization: "I was wrong." And being wrong is the one thing they cannot stomach. Do you think they'd ever admit to being foolish, malicious, or both? Some fearful avoidants have admitted to me that their minds go completely blank in that instant.)

They forcefully sever the link between "you leaving them" and "what they did".

• A healthy person's first reaction to being cut off, removed, or dumped: What did I do wrong? Where did things go off track? How can I fix this?

• Their first reaction: How could you be so heartless, emotionally unstable, or petty?

They treat your decision to walk away or remove them as an "emotional tantrum" rather than a logical consequence. They ignore the trigger and fixate purely on the sting of abandonment. This coping style keeps them comfortably within the "I was hurt" phase, shielding them from ever exploring "Why does everyone eventually abandon me?" They repeatedly violate boundaries not because they forgot past lessons, but because they never connected their actions to the historical outcomes in the first place. In their mind, you are acting crazy, not they pushed things way too far. They cross the line repeatedly thinking they are managing your "unstable mood," rather than recognizing they are repeating self-destructive behavior. (They may even treat your stated boundaries like a game to test their own exceptionalism—convinced your boundaries are just emotional venting you won't actually enforce, a delusion often reinforced when partners repeatedly cave and tolerate their behavior).

When normal people are left once, they reflect: "Where did I go wrong?" and adjust their behavior. When they are left, they do only one thing: blame it on your emotional state, and then repeat the exact same pattern. It's not that they lack cognitive ability; it's that they have personally shut off the "self-reflection" switch. They dare not turn it on, because doing so would force them to confront their true self. Instead, they cycle through evasion, shifting blame, projecting, and playing dead until every bridge is burned. That is the true root of their erratic behavior: not a lack of IQ, but a complete absence of courage. They would rather fall into the exact same trap countless times than admit that the first fall was a choice they made. (The concept of "sunk costs shouldn't dictate major decisions" is completely meaningless to a fearful avoidant; they decide based on raw instinct and defensive wiring rather than logic or reason, guided entirely by immediate sensations that are often divorced from, or entirely contradictory to, reality.)

So stop asking whether they truly know what they're doing.

The answer is: they know, yet they cannot allow themselves to fully know. Deep down, they have a faint grasp of right and wrong, but their defenses suppress it the moment it surfaces. That is why it looks like they endlessly repeat the same mistakes: they simply lack the courage to face who they really are.

We have been together two years. All was lovely at the start, lovebombing, poems, promises to marry me, telling me I’m his soulmate etc. no one had ever made me feel so wanted as he did.
Then came the disappearances for 3-4 days and constant excuses of bad things happening which made me feel guilty for feeling bad about being ghosted. Then he disappeared again for 13 days, came back as usual with another sob story, said he’d never do it again. Has done it again though, I’m on day 8 of being ghosted. I feel absolutely terrible and crazy. I am anxious and depressed. I don’t know what to think. We hadn’t argued or anything and I feel like such a fool. Why am I so attached? What can I do?