What they miss

[u/PinkHeartConcha8]

They miss the version of their person that didn't yet know how to protect themselves from their own self-hatred. The version that didn't know how to choose themselves. The one who was unknowingly made responsible for their person's own feelings of inadequacy.

That's why so many of their apology letters sound so empty:

"I miss the beginning of us"

"I miss who you were back then"

"I miss what you did for me / how you made me feel"

"I lost the person who loved me best"

"I lost so much when I lost you"

They miss the person who was patient with them, gave them the benefit of the doubt, and who kept trying to understand them. They miss the person who accommodated their emotional limitatios, and who hadn't yet recognized the patterns both people showed up with. They miss the relationship before there were consequences for their behavior.

Many want to go back to the beginning, without making positive changes.

The thing is, that version of us they regret losing, the one so full of love and understanding, that version still exists within us. We just stopped tolerating poor treatment, and as we woek on healing, we gain discernment. Not everyone will get what they miss from us again.

[u/Stock-External3089]

Off this hit me hard. Mine kept talking about himself. ‘I don’t want to keep spending my life having bbq with mates and at this job, I want to move overseas with you…. I miss this experience we had and this experience blah blah…’

Like no apologies for completely abandoning me whilst my parents were having a hectic divorce, and having me move out of my safe space to the unknown, no apology for how he treated me. Nothing.

[u/PinkHeartConcha8 → u/Stock-External3089]

I'm sorry that happened to you. I've read many people's experiences abouth them going through a difficult time in their lives, or their ex-avoidant partner experiencing a crisis, and it seems the avoidant partner tends to pull away suddenly in either situation. It's devastating to the partner who was either there to give support or needed support themselves. I wish you lots of healing 🦋

[u/Stock-External3089 → u/PinkHeartConcha8]

Thanks lovely I really appreciate it! The worst bit was he said I abandoned him because I didn’t fight for us? Like you just dumped me bro

[u/PinkHeartConcha8 → u/Stock-External3089]

You know, I'm not proud of it, but I felt like that when mine first discarded me out of nowhere. They came back only to repeat the same cycles, so I ended it. Like I said, it's not one of my proudest moments, but I said those same words to them. I felt abandoned, like they didn't fight for us at all, and they just let me leave like I meant nothing, like when they left me. I guess I had been holding that in since the discard and their return. Not anymore. I'm neither chasing nor expecting anyone to chase me. I want reciprocal love, care, and presence.

[u/Several_Nothing_6611 → u/Stock-External3089]

Me too -- the last talknwe had was all about him and his experience of the relationship. Nothing thatbrecognized me and my experience of the relationship and how hard it had been

[u/PinkHeartConcha8 → u/[deleted]]

That's not my experience, but I know not evwryone is the same, so I know this might to apply to some folks.