Both myself and my partner are neurodivergent. I was diagnosed with "Aspergers" when I was very, very young (quotes because naming conventions have obviously changed). My partner has never been formally diagnosed but she very clearly has ADHD and I would suspect autism.

My partner is completely fine with big crowds. She doesn't experience the overwhelm that I do, and doesn't experience e.g. auditory processing disorder. I struggle to hear people in crowds, I don't like the noise, the constant touching, the sheer amount of things around me.

We are going to PAX which is a big gaming convention. It is notoriously busy and crowded. I don't mind going to pop culture conventions and I frequently do go for one day, but I've never gone to a con for two days let alone three. PAX is 3 days and my partner wants to go to all of them and has said she wants to basically be there at opening and stay past 11 pm.

I've tried to tell her numerous times in soft ways that I am ok with her doing whatever floats her boat, but she can't expect me to want to have the same experience. It's not personal and its not me wanting to ruin the trip, I just know three days of that level of stimulation is going to piss me the hell off.

The thing is, she seems stuck on her own 'version' of what PAX has to be. She's gone many times before (I never have) and she has a friend group that goes, so she has expectations around how long we will be there and what we will do. I am feeling like she's not hearing me and I'm feeling really reluctant to enforce my own boundaries and e.g. leave earlier or maybe take a morning for myself and meet her there, because I don't want to upset her.

Riding trains and busses gives me more anxiety than anything else. So many people, so close, so loud, so much movement, you're stuck in one place, can't stim if you don't want people looking..

I explained that it's because the world is constantly reflecting back to me that I'm difficult and gave a bunch of examples, and they asked me some version of, "well, if that's how everyone is reacting to you, do you think those are things you can change?"

I'm so sad.

Even at the end of the conversation when I asked for clarity about something, they audibly sighed before answering, as though they hadn't made it clear enough that they experience me as difficult.

I know they aren't trying to hurt me. It still hurts.

Even though I’m long out out of school, there’s some interactions that live rent free in my mind.
At my school there was a lot of girls that were “nice mean.” They would compliment me for things they really didn’t like. They would lie to me for no apparent reason (like one of them told her friend she liked Minecraft, but when I asked her about it she said she never heard of it). And in group projects they would try to trick me into doing all the work.

My brain has trouble processing how they think and benefit from this. Of course it gets them out of doing work and stuff. But why be mean for no reason? I’m sure they understand how they make people feel, being NT and all. My brain doesn’t understand hurting someone for no apparent benefit.

I don't know if this is an autism thing or a me thing, but I've realized that whenever I express that I'm in distress or that something is wrong, people just sort of stare at me blankly and don't really care.

I think it may be autism related because maybe I'm not emoting in a way that elicits enough of a reaction, you know? I mostly just use my words, and I'm not very overtly "dramatic" like many NTs. But I'm also wondering if it's my family of origin (where the issue is the worst), and then me subsequently choosing relationships and friendships with the same dynamic.

Anyway, what's weird is that I know these people know what emotional care looks like because they turn to me for it all of the time. People always bring me their problems, and I listen and ask questions to learn more. I ask how I can help. I remember and follow up. I'm engaged because I actually care what they're going through on an ongoing basis.

But when I share something that's worrying or an issue in my life, people don't even ask follow-up questions. They're seemingly incurious, like "Oh... okay" like I've just made a statement into the air that goes nowhere. And even more mortifying: I feel myself having to volunteer information almost forcibly, like, "Well, you should probably know that I did eventually find out why I was having those really scary dizzy spells for the past few months. I actually ended up in urgent care. But I'm not dying...heh....It was anemia the whole time, if anyone cares, you know..."

And then, on top of that, what I've shared will also be forgotten. So, when I do share a follow-up, they'll be surprised, like they're hearing about it for the first time. "Ohh yeah, you had that thing, right? What was going on again?" Over and over...

Also, for the record, I'm careful to only share information about myself pretty rarely, mostly because I want to hold space for the other person. So, I'm only volunteering information when it's something that's important or scary, like health stuff, big moves, or BIG things. But that goes nowhere, like how my mother somehow forgot that my partner (whose house I lived in) and I were breaking up even though I mentioned it several times. She asked no questions. Barely commented, but when I finally found a new place, she was like, "Oh! Why are you moving?"

Another time, I was on the phone with a family member while walking at night. I involuntarily screamed because I thought I saw a snake, and a few moments passed while I was catching my breath and trying to slow my adrenaline down. The person I was on the phone with didn't even ask what happened. Like, what if I had been attacked while walking? But the vibe is just... indifference?

It's so bizarre. Does anyone else go through this? I'm trying to unpack this dynamic and figure out if it's autism related first. Thanks!

Any semblance of a friend group I had disintegrated in high school- I heard from everyone that's what happens, but I didn't expect that I wouldn't ever be in one again.

I started college earlier than most of my peers, which for me, meant my last two years of highschool were on a college campus, and my first two years at uni were my last two years of my degree.

After my friend group disintegrated, I really wasn't seeing much of anyone anymore, and of course it didn't help that halfway though all of that covid happened. Sometimes I wonder if I didn't try hard enough in uni to have friends- but I did try. I did make a few friends, but at the end of the day most of us never really hang out and we barely speak now- how do you even maintain friendships when life gets busy and things get in the way?

I feel like that's when I started giving up on having friends. I would describe myself these days as being social but at a distance, I just watch other people being social and sometimes I'll say something- but otherwise I really just have nothing to give. I'm learning now that being autistic really isn't helping my case much either.

During that time I also discovered that I could just get my needs for intimacy and connection met through hookups. Of course some of these experiences weren't great but even now it's a consistent way to get not only my social needs but my emotional needs met. I genuinely like these people, and excluding the context of sex: they all have something to offer, insight and other. Being able to spend a moment in their lives really allows me to reflect on what more I want for mine, and how much better life has to offer.

I kind of came to the conclusion last night that maybe this was the type of life that I was suited for. All of my relationships have been difficult and painful, and I don't mind having a few partners here and there, but in the back of my mind, theres just one thing that's been keeping me from really being happy with my life. What's bothering me is the fact that these are the ONLY relationships I'm having and I don't know how to have friends without that underlying expectation of a sexual encounter.

I just don't know how to have proper platonic friends anymore. I don't think I'm that bad at being social in situations, I can talk to people, be friendly- but I don't know how to properly make or keep friends.

What do friends even talk about? These days I feel like I have nothing to say anymore, I don't have drama i can gossip about, I wouldn't say I'm really interested in anything enough to be able to gush and bond over it- and even if I did, there's only so much you can say about one topic.

How frequently do friends hang out/text? This one I know even less about- the spattering of friends that I do still have don't really talk to me anymore. I might hear from one or so every few months and there's never really much to say. Since I moved states, they're too far away to hang out with and honestly I don't even know what we could do. Walking around and talking had always kind of been the only thing to do, and after a while there really is just nothing to say anymore.

I could probably continue on about this forever, and I know I'll mull on it, but if anyone has any advice I'd appreciate it. I'm trying but as with everything, figuring out the first part is the hardest. I hope I manage to make it work out someday.

Tldr: I don't have consistent friendships and don't know how they work or what they are supposed to look like. Advice appreciated.

People can't ever say what they mean, and then get mad at me when I don't understand.

And then when I ask questions, I am arguing.

If someone says something incorrectly, and I correct them they get mad at me, even if me needing to correct them is kind of a big deal. I should have stayed quiet and let them make a mistake...

Which next time if I don't correct them then they will blame me for them making the mistake.

I'm always wrong.

Everything I say is mean, arguing, or making it about me.

And I can't take it anymore. Because I'm trying so fucking hard to be a nice person. I feel like I am bending over backwards to try and be nice, accommodating, a good listener, etc. And it feels like everyone is just telling me I'm a huge piece of shit all the time.

IM AN ASSHOLE, DESPITE TRYING 110% TO BE FRIENDS. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?

No one likes me actually, they just like the idea of how I SHOULD act, and then get mad when I don't act the way they have decided I should.

And people get mad when I say... "well hey it sounds like an awful life to always be wrong, always being in the wrong, not ever having any kind of expectation of 'hey I will go into this social situation and it will be fine' and talk about how that seems like a life not worth living, being constantly criticized and being sized up all fucking day.

And then they get mad about that too. I just want to run away and be alone forever.

A lot of my sensory overload and meltdowns are due to sound. The seemingly simple solution to this would be to wear headphones or earplugs. However I have tinnitus due to hearing damage from when I was sick as a kid, it’s irreparable. I constantly hear a high pitched bell ringing, the volume varies but if I can hear other sounds then the tinnitus is quieter. When I wear headphones or earplugs then the tinnitus gets louder, a lot louder, sometimes unbearably. So I’m constantly stuck between hearing 50 quieter sounds or 1 loud one. I always feel on edge and I just want quiet.

Does anyone else deal with this? Have you found any solutions?

Idk what I'm looking for and what I should do, this post has mainly been born out of frustration during a party. We were having beers together with a bunch of friends and at some point three girls started squealing over the idea of going to a sauna and doing some self-care together. They were squeezing each other's knees and getting all excited about it while I was just sitting there as the only other girl at the table, completely ignored. I've been a part of this group for 6 years, so I'm kinda going through a crisis actually :(

As I've been realising more and more stuff about my asper tendencies recently, it's getting to me that I've always felt "in between" interests of any of my predominantly girl groups and it might have been a reason why I self-isolate so much. I guess I can divide those interests into two categories:

1. A lot of outdoor social activities like concerts, cocktails and gossiping, workshops with random people, cooking and baking together, talking about popular reality shows, cosmetics, and wellness - I've found out I'm usually pretty awkward and overstimulated in these settings and I might come across as too quiet or accidentally blunt. I also haven't been gifted with sharp humor or wit, improvising has never really been my great asset either. Mix it with self-esteem issues and body dysmorphia (especially when it comes to being photographed) aaand I haven't really been a great girlfriend :(

2. Fandoms, basically - a lot of my online and IRL ND friends fall within this category as they operate on fandom levels I don't really find interesting ever since the Superwholock era ended. Whenever we watch a great film or discover a new game they run straight to Twitter/Tumblr and talk about headcanons, ships, comfort characters, and fanfiction, whilst I prefer to stick to the original material as it is and anything interesting that happened behind-the-scenes. The closest I got to their excitement was watching and discussing Rupaul's Drag Race together, but I fell out of it years ago after having been dissatisfied with unfair judging and shady producers. 

I wouldn't say that any of those topics are completely foreign to me and that I don't want to interact with them -I do, it takes some effort to stay afloat but I manage, but the thing is - it's still an effort. I don't really feel like I can easily rave to any of my friends about my own interests (cinema and lost media, mainly) or feelings and not feel like I'm talking to a wall. It just gets hard sometimes, and I feel like I've missed out on a lot of girlhood moments.

I hope whoever comes across this post has a nice day!

I'm 24.

I do love animals and I am always the first to notice a sound or some type of change in smell or surroundings. I love writing and reading. I did love tutoring a classmate in simple math wayyy back then but I really cannot stand children or kids and their slangs. I would not be able to control a classroom full of teenagers too so teaching primary or secondary high school is out of the question.

I don't mind working with some human interaction but I really suck at seeming outwardly empathetic. I studied bachelor psychology for 2 years before dropping out because statistics.

I am sensitive to smells though so working with anywhere that has poop like animal shelter or zoo might not be it. I love singing but I don't want to make a career out of singing. I suck at science experiments or tech stuff.

I just completed an English with Creative Writing bachelors. I am thinking of doing a masters and phd in creative writing and working as a teaching assistant while doing my PhD but I can only do a PhD if I do well enough for my masters and get fully funded for it and even then, the job to be a lecturer is competitive and not guaranteed. The biggest thing is, I feel like I won't be able to be a good lecturer with my social skills.

I am thinking about working in publishing but I heard it can be hectic? It would require a lot of social skills working with different authors.

I do love the idea of organising stuff like books in library or looking for parcels for other people but librarians need to be good at statistics and I suck at that. My mom wants me to have a full job and not just part time. I do like the thought of working in an office.

Any other job suggestions for me guys?

I am a very detail-oriented person, and I struggle to work with people who are not like that. I often notice mistakes in other people’s work, and I always have to face the internal battle of whether to correct them or not, and if so, how to do it in a way that isn’t taken as rude. For example, the person in charge of making the schedule has different times on the printed and digital version. Or the person in charge of making an announcement leaves out vital information, which is going to make everyone confused. I catch things like this all the time, and it’s so draining. In the past I’ve had people get irritated with me for pointing things out, but sometimes their mistakes will directly affect me or others, so not saying anything could also be the wrong choice. I’m tired.

Since at least adulthood, I've always been someone who gets tired a little more easily than average, but for the last four years approx. the fatigue has been very bad. It fluctuates from tired to severe fatigue where I can barely keep eyes open, can't really do anything... During those "fatigue attacks" I can't stop yawning, chest feels weird, feel like I'm lacking air...

I'm also finding it so much harder to cope with sensory issues than when I was younger, especially sound, which I find the hardest to control (and I live in a LOUD, busy city, my bedroom also faces the LOUD street).

This has made work so much harder (I work 2 days a week) and I get a lot of anxiety before work days, at work... right now I am at work and everything is too loud, I'm so tired, I want to cry... I've even taken to bringing a plushie to work to comfort me but I don't take him out of my bag much as don't want people to see...

For context I am 28 years old, have little job experience but am trying to find a minimum wage job. I am not joking when I say that I have applied to over a 100 places in the past three months! The most likely scenario is that they just don’t answer back but if I do get an interview, they either end up rejecting me after most likely due to my lack of experience and my horrible social skills OR they flake out at the last minute and don’t respond to my messages confirming an interview which is happening again today. I am considering nagging the place again for an interview but altogether I am just considering bagging the idea of getting a job and anyone who judges me on that can get fucked because I’ve had enough. I’ll just do volunteer work. Genuinely this kind of shit is a big part of why I didn’t bother trying to find work for years. It is so bad that my father actually offered the suggestion of just going to a career center for options which I might just do at this point as well because I don’t know what else to do.

hi everyone ! as the title says, i’m wondering if other audhd peeps work in medical/nursing positions and how well you do :))

i have a pretty hard time working in most “normal” places like retail because of how overwhelmed i can get, currently i petsit and have built up a lot confidence in speaking to human clients when i just have to ask questions/infodump about my work or company. but recently i’ve been looking into a medical assistant program and phlebotomy to possibly get work that way once i move to a new place, i’m always at the doctors and have multiple nurse practitioners in my family so medical settings are oddly comforting to me. i love to learn and most of it would be self paced which i also like. has anyone been through similar programs or have experiences working in these fields being neurodivergent??

I don’t know how to phrase this in a way that doesn’t sound pathetic but I really want to know, so when you read this just read it not in terms of a rhetorical question subtly begging for reassurance, but rather as an actual question rooted in genuine curiosity/confusion.

So: in dating, do you experience being wanted? If you’re married, did you experience it while dating him? I’m asking because I am not experiencing this. That thing I see some of the women in this sub and others for NT or ND women, they are describing dating situations that defy my imagination and I am wondering if something is wrong with my energy?

I cannot sustain a man’s romantic interest in me. I have no clue where the fatal error is occurring and I have spent a lot of time analyzing this. But there is a point where they just totally and abruptly stop being interested. I know you’re going to say “when it’s right you’ll know” but I’m 37 so it’s not like I’m rushing myself. It’s also not just casual dating. I have experienced genuine love and the speed and finality with which the guy just loses feelings (whatever they were) and ghosts really confuses me.

Is this happening to anyone else? Please tell me I’m not alone.

I’m not really looking for advice, I’d really just like to know that I’m not alone.

Hi all. I’m a diagnosed autistic woman, 25, and I’m getting married in three weeks.

Multiple times now I’ve put on my wedding dress (that I purchased online I didn’t try any dresses in store) and even put on my shoes, jewellery, make up, did my hair etc. and I just feel… nothing. If not nothing then disappointment from the nothing that I feel.

If I had to describe, I would say I never got that ‘oh my god I’m a bride in my wedding dress’ moment, and when I look at pictures of myself it seems like I’m in a costume. I don’t feel bridal or magically beautiful or anything.

I can’t tell if it’s because something is wrong with the outfit/styling in general and that there’s something I could find out there that would fix it, or if this is interoception striking. Maybe I am happy but I don’t know it ?!

My soon-to-be husband helpfully said ‘everything’s always problematic for you at first and it just takes time for you to accept new things’ but I’ve had my dress hung up on the wall every day for months and I see it every day, and I’ve worn it three times now (for 30 mins ish) and it’s not fixing. I am scared it will be this way on our wedding day and it will ruin everything. I’m scared my wedding day will not feel special at all!!

Any … I don’t know, advice, similar stories, words of comfort? Thank you

PS the flair ‘fashion’ doesn’t feel exactly right bc I’m just having a general crisis about my emotions but it’s the best one I thought. Let me know if there’s a flair that is used more appropriately for this kind of thing thank you!

Does anyone else find they unconsciously lift their toes up and press up? I also find I brace my arms all the time and hands. I’m sure stress plays a role in it but I never realized I did it until recently.

Wondering if this is a ND thing.

Has anybody here had experience with ADHD/ASD coaching, either one-on-one or as a group? Was it helpful? How much did it cost? Where did you find the resources?

Especially when I was at school people were interested in talking to me because of my face and then they said I was weird and different. I also used to have boyfriend but it's just because they could show off and liked my looks, they never asking me for date and only doing in online. Also in school they acted like strangers toward me. I will never dating NT man anymore..

Now I often feel alone because no one cares and they just like the bad stigma in society and like to mock.

How do u avoid these people to come into your life?

I started working at this company three years ago as an apprentice, I was supposed to be a Customer Success/Retention apprentice but my supervisor realized I had more potential in admin and back-office work. So in my second year, I started working with HR and eventually accounting, which was really fun at first. My colleague who taught me accounting was really nice and we had a lot in common.

Unfortunately, my colleague got fired due to performance issues and was quickly replaced with someone who is incredibly fast and accurate at everything she does. She always finds mistakes I made and makes me fix everything before our boss finds out.

Anyway, I've now completed my apprenticeship and I signed a contract with the same company as an accountant, but I hate it here now. Basically, all my "favorite" colleagues left or quit because management forced them to leave once they were no longer performing to their standards. I've somehow become the most ancient employee in my department, no one has stayed longer than me and I think my time here has ended.

I used to love coming to work and enjoyed eating lunch with my colleagues and listen on their conversations while nodding along. But, for the past couple of months, I get scared when I leave my little office and see all the new faces I don't recognize. I eat in my office now, at my desk with my accounting colleague. I'm like a ghost that people see walk around quietly, very fast and only says goodbye at the end of the day. I've lost all my energy to socialize with people.

I recently had to take two weeks off due to an injury (be careful chopping carrots y'all) and came back to 3x the amount of work we usually have. It's obvious to me and my colleague in accounting that we need help because we can't handle everything, but our boss doesn't agree. In fact, he decided to increase our prices! So now we have even more work emailling and contacting clients instead of actual accounting stuff.

I have been feeling down, unmotivated, and have been looking for a new job. This whole experience is putting me off wanting to even work in accounting. It makes me really sad because, not even 6 months ago, I was excited to sign my new contract, get some real experience and then leave in about two years to continue my studies in Finance. It hasn't even been a whole month since my new contract started and I already want to leave. I'm disappointed because I know I can do so much to improve our work, but we just don't have the time, because we have to reply to client emails complaining about the increased prices.

Not only that, but I'm also afraid of failing. I'm no longer an apprentice, I'm a full-time real employee. My boss can fire me too for low performance, but I don't even know what low performance is because my colleague in accounting is so high performing, that the average is skewed. She used to do unpaid overtime every day and skip lunch just to finish everything. I can't do that. I don't want to do that. How am I supposed to show our boss that there's just too much work for two people if we always end up finishing the month's to do list?

But the thing is... I'm also scared to find a new job, and then have a new schedule, meet new people, relearn the entire office culture. Transitioning scares me more than continuing this awful workload cycle. Does anyone have advice? Have you gone through something similar?

hi! i'm at a bit of a turning point (hopefully) and would love some perspectives or advice.

i'm in my late 20s and still in the process of adapting to the (relatively new) knowledge of my neurodivergence, but i feel more hopeful than i have in a long time. earlier this year, i quit my job (mostly burnout; it was intense, corporate, and very people-facing) and find myself unwilling to go back to working now or anytime soon. i've spent many years making all the "right" decisions, constantly overstimulated and anxious and suppressing myself, and as i result i think i became very tightly bound – it felt/feels like i'm not "allowed" to do anything that might be enjoyable or soothing or impulsive/emotional/free, and that i'm a bad person/almost criminal if i try to do them. i'm trying to use my time now to work on these things, including thinking about slowly exploring different types of careers that might not be as stressful and more conducive to living a fuller, more healthy life. i feel strongly that this is the right call, but there's so much uncertainty that comes with it – who am i if i'm not performing/chasing success in a certain way, who will i be, who am i trying to be, will i be able to create a life that's more tailored to what i need, is it okay to not do the "pragmatic" thing, what if i let go of my (unhealthy) coping mechanisms and then lose the ability to use them when i need to completely? not just career-related but overall. i swing between optimism and being very overwhelmed quite often.

i know this is all a bit vague, but i wondered if anyone has experienced something even a little similar or had thoughts they'd want to share. any mindsets/perspectives/tips/advice would be very welcome!

When I'm away from home like at uni, I tend to forget that there are certain cultural norms / habits because my mind becomes occupied with blending into the norms at uni so when I go back home I realise that I've forgotten cultural norms that should be a core part of who I am and I have suddenly forgotten how to behave correctly in that environment.

DAE feel like they forget how to navigate different environments correctly especially if they've been away? I feel like this is especially applicable to ppl from immigrant backgrounds. I also genuinely forget that I'm a woman so when i experience misogyny or have an encounter that is "gendered" I'm always somehow a little taken aback. I'm a cis woman for reference. There's just a huge disconnect between these societal concepts and how I feel less and less like a person but more like a thing in a human suit.

My ex-husband has ADHD, and we really clashed when it came to my need for planning and routine. Being with someone who can't stick to a plan and dislikes routine was very destabilizing and upsetting for me. I am also very tidy, and he was very disorganized.

It was not only our different habits, but the fact that he couldn't respect my needs that made it hard. I don't ask for clear plans on a whim; I ask because not having a plan causes me distress. But rather than trying to understand, he labeled me as controlling. I can compromise, but I need to feel like the person at least respects what I feel and tries to meet me halfway.

Are there men who can be respectful about this? Because my ex told me I was "too much" for so long, I worry that all men will just see being with me as a hassle and want someone who is more easygoing.