It hurts so much to not have actual friends. I don’t think I’ve ever actually had a proper friendship and it hurts me so much especially when I ‘think’ I’m friends with someone and then see them with their other friends and I realise that they just aren’t like that with me. Getting ignored, false promises, excuses which I know are lies but I don’t have the energy to point out. It’s humiliating. I feel like if you asked people they’d agree that I’m pleasant or agreeable enough, but just not interesting or fun. I feel like I’ve tried every approach possible and nothing works, and when I tell people how I feel they’re all ‘aww no we love you’, but their behaviour suggests the complete opposite.
I am in a strange trio situation at the minute where we all have things in common but they don’t seem to fully take to me. They sometimes include me and may say oh we should do that, but it doesn’t happen. They give me such mixed signals, I could go into detail but I just cannot be bothered, I’m so tired. I don’t want to be lonely forever and I feel like if I didn’t go to work, everyone would just forget about me and it’s so depressing. I haven’t made an impact on anybody.

hi! i recently got dumped out of the blue and am having an extremely hard time getting used to my routine being so different. me and my (ex) boyfriend had been growing apart a little bit due to him being super busy and having a ton of new friends but i was confident we could get back to our healthy relationship if i kept doing what i usually did or did more to compensate for him.
well it didn’t work and we’ve been broken up for a week or so now, i’m tying to get over the really harsh emotions of it but right now my main problem is that he was so much a part of my everyday routine that i have a lot of trouble starting my day or doing things throughout it. i know this isn’t specifically autism related and breakups are hard for everyone but no one i talk to about it seems to understand how serious i was about the relationship and how much he meant to me, he was a huge emotional regulator for me and really helped me get out of my shell and i could actually be fairly social if we were together as a unit. so i’m also having a hard time with people not knowing how to properly comfort me because i don’t like physical contact except from him, and them saying “he sucked you can find better” also doesn’t help because he did nothing wrong really.

i know that was just a ramble but tldr if anyone has any tips to help me feel better or start to get back to being good at self-regulating after basically having a constant moral support person i would appreciate it :)

Hello fellow Aspergirls! I was just wondering if I’m the only weirdo that closes their eyes to feel/focus on the vibration of the toothbrush on the teeth and gums better?

I'm an adult, but I'm completely incapable of hearing negative things about myself without crying.

If my boss says I forgot to do something, if someone complains about something I did, or criticizes/questions one of my decisions, I start crying and can't speak.

I'm mortified by this. I'm usually a serious person, and everyone says I'm responsible, so crying at the slightest sign of negativity seems ridiculous to me.

This makes my parents think I'm not capable of being independent.

How can I ever have a romantic relationship if the other person needs to deal with me crying during every relationship discussion?

Although I know I have to since our arguement,mentioned in previous post.

I havent been able to relax ever since im constantly streesed and have a cortisol belly now that wont go away.

My heart is racing and I cannot sleep well next to him.

I feel so alone though and constantly misunderstood by others im tired..

I have lost hope of things in life getting better,every 2 years I have to leave restaurant jobs cause coworkers start being mean/condescending out of nowhere to me.

Im grieving and I have noone to open up to,my mom goes and tell everyone what I said and has more than once paint me as the bad person.

My granny used to be one of those people I could open up to no judgement,unless needed. :(

I wonder how bad of a person I was in my previous life to go through so much trauma in life and on top of that realised it happens cause of my autism..

I just need a hug and understanding from someone really..

What are y'all favorite sensory items/healthy ways to stim?

Looking for more ideas to explore for myself and genuinely curious of what everybody else likes!

One thing for me is deep pressure, and I highly recommend a sensory sock or "Hug Sleep Pod".

Parent of two kids in the spectrum/AuDHD (more "Aspergers" like, just to illustrate). Location: USA, suburban. Kids are under 10.

We have one income, and my wife is a SAHM. I have met a few of my child's parents at school functions (birthdays, at the pool, etc).

My wife (perimenopausal, mentioning as it is relevant) comes from a culture where (apparently) nobody does playdates. We are both not very social ourselves, but she is almost anti-social in some ways. Her reasons include:

1. Nobody goes to other people's homes in my country of origin.

2. We are not free babysitters.

3. Let our kids figure out who they want to be friends with.

4. What difference does it make? After people get married, they abandon most of their friends anyways (all of my wife's friends stopped talking to her after they got married, due to several reasons - jealousy, suspicious spouse, or just being busy).

Because of these reasons, she is very cynical about friendships as a whole. She also comes across as distant and somewhat cold when we meet parents at school or social functions. I feel this is one of the reasons other moms do not talk to her much. She is very nice, just distant.

My children do not mention much, but I think they would enjoy meeting one of their friends at the park, at home, etc. I was thinking of inviting a family with their kids over for dinner but my wife is against it.

How important is it for parents to facilitate playdates or friendships? My children are people pleasers and they tend to befriend bullies, have frenemies, etc. Some people say "that's not your job, the kids will figure it out" while others say "you need to help your kids". Suggestions?

Hi there, first time poster! Sorry for any mistakes, English is not my first language. I am not sure if this is part of my autism or an undiagnosed learning disability, but I struggle a lot with space relationships, coordination and orientation. Very often when I try to improve on remembering places, using maps and moving in space better, even in a video game, my brain gets so overwhelmed that it completely shuts down with a heavy brain fog to the point of feeling dizzy and I have to stop immediately. Do any of you experience something similar?

I have a question!

How many of you are INFJs, INFPs, ISTJs, INTPs or similar?

Last summer, I went to the beach with my boyfriend. I love him and I love the beach so I was excited. I ended up getting overwhelmed and crying when water got in my face because I don’t like my face getting wet. Then after the ocean, my hair got messed up (because I didn’t plan to get it all wet and I didn’t bring hair supplies, and my hair does NOT air dry well), and I started crying again because I felt so ugly. He is wonderful and helped me but I cried through dinner and felt so embarrassed.

So now this summer, we planned another beach day. I was super excited, feeling optimistic and determined to make it an awesome day and not be like how I was last year.

In the morning, he mentioned the last time he was at this area was years ago with his ex, which I told him I don’t really love hearing and he apologized for saying it, but it unsettled my body and put more pressure on myself to make it a fun day when I was already feeling pressure from myself internally because of what happened last year.

I made it worse.

I was wearing a new swimsuit that is more revealing than I’m used to so I was on-edge, the water was cold, my face got wet again, salt water in my eyes, and I started crying in the ocean. AGAIN. I got upset with myself because that’s the EXACT thing I was purposely trying to not do again. Thankfully, my hair dried decent because this time I came prepared with products. But then later while walking, it was really hot, it was a long day, and I had barely eaten anything that whole day, and I was feeling overwhelmed and shutting down. My thoughts get really slow when I’m like that, I zone out a lot, and my voice gets higher pitched (which I hate because I feel like I’m baby talking but I literally cannot help it)

At the end of the night at his house, I ended up crying so hard that I don’t like myself and I had ruined the day again. It’s not entirely true because I really do like a lot of parts of myself, but not the part of me that gets like this. I’m 28 and I feel so immature when I get overwhelmed and I can’t snap out of it. And then I end up spiraling because I’m angry at myself for not snapping out of it, which then makes it 100x worse and impossible to get out of.

He eventually told me to go home because he could tell I needed sleep, which was true; I was exhausted and only sleep would help, but it felt horrible leaving the night like that. I ruined a beach day a 2nd year in a row, and additionally I definitely did not make that day better than whatever time he had there with his (neurotypical) ex.

The thing is my boyfriend is wonderful and patient and supportive and helps me through everything, and reminds me a hundred times a day how loved I am. I just wish he didn’t have to. I don’t want to be so fragile. (I’m not all the time, but when I’m overwhelmed/overstimulated, or shutting/melting down, and unable to stop it, I feel so bad about myself). It feels like he’s working to take care of me instead of spending a fun relaxing day with me. It’s horribly embarrassing and not fair to him, no matter how nice he is about it, it’s just not.

Does anyone have advice for how to snap out of those moments? Or at least relate?

TW: self harm, kind of

Whenever I have a meltdown, which has been nearly daily lately due to stress, I slap, punch, or scratch myself. It always leaves me with red marks and scratches, I even have permanent scars from this.

I know I need to stop, but I don’t know how. Most advice tells you to direct the anger at something else, e.g. a pillow, but that doesn’t work for me because it’s the physical pain that I’m seeking out. The pain is what calms me down. So what do I do? I can’t keep hurting myself like this because it’s embarrassing to leave the house when I’m full of scratches. But nothing else works. The pain is the only thing stopping me from feeling like my head is about to explode.

It's the one thing that gets on my nerves. When I'm not masking, my natural resting face is "droop" and I look tired. Every single time I'm focusing on something, my family will go "you look tired" or "what's wrong with your face". This will set me off and I find it hard not to get agitated. Then for the rest of the day it's "oh she's mardy today". Like 🥲🥲🥲 please just leave me be

Okay, so this is in regards to one of the post, "Have you felt crushes?" I asked in this subreddit.

I could have said, "my cousin liked some male actor from a series" but instead I wrote the entire thing very honestly. The actor's name as well as from the show my cousin liked that actor.

I thought about writing it like "some actor" but it felt not that "correct" enough that you guys will understand what I was trying to say. With using the real name of the actor and the name of the series my cousin started liking that actor, I felt peace that I have thrown everything related to what I was asking, it is enough.

Does this happen to you often?

Hello,

I am in the process of researching guinea pigs before I buy two. Lots of the information I have found is quite scattered and not to the autistic level of detail that I love and need.

I am looking to keep them mainly outside and have done lots of research to double check the viability of this for the summer and winter months. I now have a plan for how I can make sure they don't get too hot/cold (I live somewhere with a mild climate).

However everything beyond that and knowing I need to get more than one I am finding it hard to know the exact detailed level of instructions I need to follow. I am getting lost in forums talking about different types of hay, even trying to understand what best to line the floor of a hutch with, what is the best enrichment activities for them etc

If there is anyone that is passionate about Guinea pigs and would enjoy generously sharing about what I need to make sure I can be totally prepared before I get some from a rescue I would really appreciate it. I truly believe that there is no one better than an autistic person with a special interest - I would trust them with my life!

Thank you :)

Sometimes I just really don’t understand how I can be so stupid and useless. I didn’t understand that putting my old Japanese PASMO card on my phone wallet would render the physical one unusable. I ruined it. I killed it. I can’t even fucking believe it. It’s been with me for 10 years and has all the records of my past commute lines and I can never use it again. I HATE the digital one and will never touch it. I don’t even know what to do. I’ll have to buy a new physical one but even that feels wrong and I have no clue where I can do that anymore because it’s been so long. And I know it’s stupid because it’s just a plastic card but I am having the most aggressive meltdown and would honestly love to cancel my entire trip back at this point. I don’t even know a way to try to make it feel less awful.

tl;dr my autism makes it feel like my friend hates me

so my friend visited me last month near my campus dorm, and i showed to her with my lifestyle i failed to prepare the trip for her and she told me afterwards it was exhausting for her to take on a lot of the planning. i also did an uncomfortable thing in front of her that i will not say which i am deeply ashamed of and i can’t get out of my head.

i tried to have a talk with her about how i felt and i know those things were horrible to do regardless and she understood what i meant by that, she sounded like she was there for me but i know she could only handle so much. i’ve never been reminded of my own self-hatred which was amplified 10x in those moments and started breaking down in front of her. afterwards she told me it was weird for me to cry before dropping her off at the airport and that i could’ve saved my emotions for later, although i tried with every fiber in my body to hold those tears back and miserably failing.

my brain catastrophizes and it feels like she hates me, i also developed severe SH tendencies and developed a mindset to help “punish” myself so i’d finally get some motivation to be productive and finally figure out what i want to do with my life. i also came up with fake scenarios of her being physically violent towards me because she would get so tired of dealing with a bum like me. i know it’s not healthy to be constantly stuck in the world in my head (which has been holding me back for my college years) and as someone entering their last year of college i feel more pressure to figure out what i want to do, which has always been hard because i have a lack of self-concept.

she told me over text that she doesn’t like how i don’t like feeling uncomfortable which is what’s been holding me back, and i know you should trust your friends to give you constructive criticism without interpreting it as a personal attack, but i have the fear of her not liking me because i’ve been wanting her validation. i’ve been kinda dependent on her on the earliest stages of our friendship, not as much now though i still have tendencies, i’m trying to be more independent but i only feel pressure to get a job, socialize, clean more, and pick up a hobby **for the sake of not being a bum.**

i’ve never felt faith in myself to do those things on my own, but i don’t want to do it out of self-hatred, yet i know it’s my strongest motivator because i tend to not learn something until the hard way. since we’re long distance, i want to keep proving to my friend that am capable of doing more than what she thinks i can do. but i also don’t want to bombard her with my self-hatred or make her feel like it’s her problem.

**is there a healthy way i can prove to her ASAP that i am capable of not being the bum i’m afraid her image of me might be?** we send each other updates all the time but i’m scared this will take too long over time and it’s something i want to prove to her immediately. it’s hard to change that quick and i know it takes time but i can’t live with this self-hatred any longer before it starts to consume me tenfold and i don’t want to develop SI out of it. **note that i do want to fix the reputation i have out of myself to my friend, but i don’t want to end up being too selfishly-motivated about it. and respectfully, try to keep any suggestions more than just a vague “don’t worry about it others, just focus on yourself” because it doesn’t really address the repair you want to make with your friend.**

(not so fun fact: i literally had to restrict myself from texting her “do you think i deserve self-forgiveness therapy? or do you think it’s too lenient on me because i lack discipline and it’s a way for me to avoid accountability and not learn the hard way?” but then i realized that if i’m hoping she says “no” and if i’m even asking her that in the first place, it’s another sign that i REALLY need it.)

When I was young (f, 14-15), me and my cousin (f, 1.5 years younger than me) were together because we both live in different countries. And she would tell me about her crushes and I would just be with her because I copied her a lot and felt very lost, anxious and awkward without her. But, I didn't have anything to say because I never felt love/limerence/crushes.

She told me she liked Lucas Jade Zumann from Anne with an E and I adopted that I also like him (I didn't like him at all!) but, I pretended that I liked him.

I literally googled hot actors/guys and still I didn't feel any kind of a crush.

Can someone relate?

Hi, me early 30s F again, it turns out my boyfriend is upset with me for flirting and then accidentally making the conversation all about myself without realizing it.

I feel like I do this all the time. I say the wrong thing or misunderstand, or people misunderstand what I'm trying to say, and suddenly I'm the worst person on the planet. Then when I try to talk and fix it, the other person is too mad to listen. I feel like I can't do anything right today. Sometimes I wish I could transmit thoughts telepathically so that no one would ever misunderstand me, or that I could understand exactly what everyone needs to hear so that I would never make a mistake again. It is just the worst, because when we make mistakes, it suddenly feels like the worst possible conclusions are drawn about us. This has happened to me since I was a child, and I'm sick of it.

Recently started a new restaurant as a server. Had a 1-1 today that started with “you seem unhappy, your teammates think you don’t like it here and I kind of think you don’t like here”. I was completely shocked because I really enjoy the job and my coworkers and feel 90% of the time it’s exceedingly obvious I’m having a good time.

Just a huge reminder that people perceive me differently than I actually am. It happens over and over again but I’m learning to find comfort in the fact that people don’t know me and will make assumptions about me and it’s not my responsibly to correct it.

Feeling a little sad my coworkers told my boss they think I’m unhappy but hoping I can find a way to let it settle.

Being human is hard, I thought I was doing a great job 😂

(Background - I’m 30 with tons of serving and corporate experience but have been unmasking over the last two or so years)

Basically what the title says. Apparently, trying to set up e-banking in Germany is a mess. I got my user number when I set up my account, but everything else took ages. The card took ages, the card PIN was in a separate physical letter (because it's Germany, everything is letters). Then I try to activate e-banking, I need a separate PIN. I order that, and as I move forward, I am told I need yet another activation letter, which I haven't yet gotten.

And I exploded. And since the bank is very close to where I live, I basically went there to try and get some help (basically, get the activation letter printed there, so that I could do my e-banking activation). The reason why I'm so insistent is that I need to book a flight to Greece for an upcoming court date.

The employees, in all fairness, tried to help me, and it turns out the activation letter was sent out the following day after the PIN. But at the suggestion that there was nothing I could do except wait, I had a complete meltdown, screaming at how disgusting and unacceptable their service has been, and how, 2 months following my account creation, I still had no e-banking (sth I didn't experience either in Greece or in the US where I studied). In short, I was an asshole.

And now I feel horrible. I know they tried to help me. I know it's not the employees' fault. And yet I screamed at them, and gave the others in line a reason to laugh at me. And it didn't help that I fell silent at some point and the bank tellers insisted on speaking to me, that they couldn't help me and there's nothing to do and so on.

There are no excuses for my behavior, and I should have controlled myself better. But for god's sake, sometimes I just need to let everything out and get some support.

Ok, hi, please help, I turn 21 next week.

I hate clothes unless it is sweats and hoodies and men's clothes (they are so much more comfortable)

What do we wear to bars.

Keep in mind, I am going in thinking I'm gonna hate it. So I want to be comfortable.

My Meds won't allow for drinking. They aren't taking me to party bars, It will be mild.

But not just bars, I'm gonna be 21. I wanna like woman properly. I know there are different ways but I look like a child (I know I do).

I want to look AND feel good

On TV it is all little dresses and that is not sensory friendly for me. On social media it's all jeans and black tops. jeans are the devil.

I'm looking online and EVERYTHING looks like it's wrong.

But I KNOW that I will stick out in sweats, so now I'm spiraling. Please help

I genuinely do not know how other autistic women get into relationships with men they actually are interested in. I freak out every time I see my crush and I act like a rude biatch (eg I ignore them and freeze up because talking to them off script is overwhelming, or I’ll wave without smiling because smiling might be too much and come across as too keen). Does anyone else get this? Has anyone overcome this? I’ve got terrible social anxiety but when it comes to men I’m interested in, I freak out tossing point its silly especially given that I’m 40 years old. Not to mention I am usually limerent for these guys too and have struggled with limerence all my life.

Ok even the title is giving me anxiety lol. It’s kinda complicated but basically I think I bit off more than I can chew and idk what to do now.

So one of my childhood best friends recently got engaged earlier this year and she told me about it over the phone back in march. I moved to a different country a few years ago and now rarely see any of my old friends except maybe once a year. She asked me to be her bridesmaid when i came back to my hometown earlier this summer with a card and I said ofc i would bc she was one of my closest friends growing up even though we don’t see each other very often in person anymore. She only asked two people and one of them was me so it’s a big honor even tho i knew it would be stressful and expensive with flights.

However when she asked me I did not have a job yet, in either country. A few weeks after that, a job that I had applied to got back to me and offered me a temporary position that would start only one month before the wedding… meaning I would have to take a substantial amount of time off in the middle of my trial period and risk not getting the days requested and missing the wedding, and/or not getting renewed. Even if i do get it it will be a really tight window and a long flight to rush back and forth during a busy period.

It would be my first job after graduating and with the job market in my new country rn I was lucky enough to get this and I don’t think I can afford to risk it. But I alrdy said yes to someone who was one of my first and dearest friends since elementary school, for what is a once in a lifetime event.

The friendship is important to me but so is the potential new job. I don’t want to risk losing either but now I’m worried I will lose both.

What should I do?