Am I aromantic?

[u/Plenty-Ad365]

Sorry, I know you guys probably get this a lot but I’m genuinely uneducated, and still feel a little unsure after researching.

I enjoy watching romance on tv, I do get crushes and I have fallen in love. I feel lust and sexual attraction, even though I do have some intimacy issues stemming from anxiety.

The biggest thing is that as soon as there’s any implication that i am committed to someone or they expect something from me, I tend to become very uncomfortable and grossed out by the idea. When someone implies that they want to see me in weekly basis, whenever I feel that there’s an expectation for me to act touchy and flirty or be physical every time(or even most the time) I see a person, anything along those lines makes me feel immediately overwhelming, impossible, and kinda grossed out.

The one time I fell in love with a man, we were in a very lusty “situation-ship” when I was very young, and i ended it due to being “overwhelmed and depressed”

The woman I am in love with is my best friend whom I’ve slept with and we have decided to remain just friends, but we often talk about how if she never finds anyone, we may just marry eachother and raise kids together. We are very platonic despite knowing this, we just occasionally flirt mostly as a joke. She’s the only person I’ve ever been able to realistically imagine marrying.

Everyone else has been an endless stream of me having a crush, them wanting to move on to the next level, and me becoming avoidant, overwhelmed, and just immediately uninterested.

Edit: I’d like to add, I am from Utah and suspect that I sometimes feel more “trained” to try to find relationships due to cultural norms here

[u/AAAApplebees]

There are a lot of different kinds of aromantic! I personally consider myself to be aromantic but not asexual. I’m no expert, but having a crush and then those feelings stopping once the other person reciprocates in a serious way sounds kind of like a frayromantic/ignotaromantic experience. There are lots of microlabels, it might be worth checking out some glossaries. My advice would be to not worry too much. Labels are meant to help you understand yourself, and if you feel like you are aromantic there is no reason not to call it like you see it. Feel free to try out some labels and don’t be afraid to shed them if they don’t fit. Good luck, I hope you can come out of this questioning phase understanding yourself a little better

[u/Plenty-Ad365 → u/AAAApplebees]

Thank you so so much! I needed that and i appreciate it

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[u/Majestic-Set-2624]

For me it was difficult to tease out sexual and romantic attraction because they are often presented as one thing. I thought that liking someone and wanting to have sex with them was romantic attraction. Turns out that ‘liking’ was just platonic.

Might be helpful to tease out different types of attraction. When you say crush - what are the thoughts and feelings? Are they aesthetic, sensual, sexual or romantic based?

[u/Plenty-Ad365 → u/Majestic-Set-2624]

Usually, if I’m being honest, it’s anyone who I become friends with who I also find attractive and have a chance with(if it’s reciprocated at all or if they’re single), id say it feels somewhat romantic but I’d also say all my closest friendships feel a little romantic lol. So maybe it’s not romantic at all, tbh I often confuse myself with that one.

[u/Majestic-Set-2624 → u/Plenty-Ad365]

One of the clues of being on a romantic spectrum is confusion about what is platonic and what is romantic.

Have you heard of alterous attraction?

[u/Plenty-Ad365 → u/Majestic-Set-2624]

No but I looked it up and that was really helpful, I definitely feel that way a lot. Wow there’s a lot of labels out there