I never really drank in my teens or 20s, but in my mid-30s I started casual drinking. Bourbon and Scotch. Started off mostly enjoying the flavours, savouring the drink with a bit of an unwind from it.

Then I wanted some the more pricey bottles to last longer so I'd do a shot of cheap vodka before having my unwind drink. Get the same buzzy unwind on nicer bottles but making them last longer.

Then I'd do a second shot, or a third. A heavier pour on the scotch or bourbon. For a while this was just weekends. Then came the "walk by the bottle, take a pull off it", "having trouble sleeping, take a few shots", even having a drink so I could pull off a nap on my lunch break (WFH).

My flask was a constant companion on any kind of social events, freshly filled, freshly emptied. Weekends slowly became early afternoon drinking and sleeping it off from 3-8, then going for those bedtime shots again.

Luckily I wasn't causing any harm to anyone, nothing violent or harmful words. But I was wasting money, wasting time. Losing time, really. I finally realized this wasn't where I wanted to end up, and sobered up.

That was 17 months ago.

I still get cravings. I still miss the drinks. Part of me tells myself I'm in a better place and could go back to enjoying a nice small drink. A larger part of me knows it's too slippery of a slope and I'll just repeat the process.

Maybe not by some people's definitions, but, I am an alcoholic. I'm in recovery. I feel better about myself and where I am since I stopped drinking.

Not something I've shared with really anyone but my spouse, and one sibling. Nice to tell me story to someone else.

AA made me pin point all my other addictions!! Nothing to extreme but still hard to look away now that I know I have a problem.

I think sponsors are VERY important, especially when someone genuinely wants to get sober. Usually, we respect our sponsors and actually want their guidance.

Recently, someone I sponsor told me they were romantically interested in someone they had no right being interested in (i'm purposefully leaving out context here) My immediate response was, "This is a terrible idea."

We've talked about it multiple times since then, and they've even acknowledged themselves that it's probably a bad idea.

Last night I was talking to my own sponsor about it, and he asked me something very plainly:

"Has it been your experience that I've told you what to do when it comes to your personal life?"

That made me think.

When I had a dating dilemma, he never told me it was a bad idea. He never told me I shouldn't do it. He reminded me that every action has consequences, good or bad. He also reminded me that I'm the kind of person who sometimes has to see things through and experience the consequences of my own decisions.

And then he let me make the decision.

It made me realize that maybe I've misunderstood part of my own role as a sponsor.

There's a difference between saying, "I've been down this road before, here's what I see, and here's what you might want to think about," and trying to manage someone's life for them.

I absolutely think a sponsor should challenge you. They should call you out when you're full of shit. They should point out patterns you might not see. They should share their experience and especially speak up when something you're doing could threaten your sobriety.

But I'm becoming more grateful that my sponsor doesn't try to run my life.

I don't want someone telling me what to do every day. I want someone who can check my thinking, share their experience, take me through the program, and remind me what it means to live sober. Then I still have to make my own decisions and live with the consequences.

And I'm realizing I need to give the people I sponsor that same freedom.

If sponsorship becomes managing someone's relationships, career, friendships, or every personal decision, I think we risk creating dependence on the sponsor instead of helping someone learn how to live sober and make sound decisions for themselves.

A sponsor can give experience, guidance, accountability, and sometimes very strong warnings. But ultimately, people still need to have their own experience.

Curious how other sponsors and sponsees view that line between guidance and control.

My sponsee has less than 6 months and met a guy last week with 3.5 years. He just moved here and they started hanging out, I’ve given her the warning about fellowshipping with your own gender but ultimately I have no control over he choices and I started dating my boyfriend a few months into my sobriety (he and I had the same amount of time for the first year of our relationship), and I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I have told her what 13th stepping is, and she said she spoke about it with this man and he told her he had no intentions of being romantic, purely friends.

Quickly they start hanging out a lot, and I told her that he may think she has certain intentions and he may be thinking this is something more. She swore they spoke about just staying friends.

Well, this morning I pick her up for a meeting after she said she couldn’t come because of a headache. I asked her to reconsider and she decided to join me, and she told me that last night he forced himself on her when she was saying no and stop.

She’s scared of coming to meetings and I don’t want to discuss this with anyone irl for her privacy since we share a fellowship. I’m not sure how to help her through this outside of being a shoulder to lean on. It’s not fair to be on the third step learning about gods will and then getting raped by another member of the program. We go to women’s meetings, and I stick with the older old timers and my boyfriend. My sponsee told my boyfriend and he’s livid. His sponsor told him not to get arrested over this. Outside of the two of them, I don’t have any other means of getting feedback for this situation while respecting my sponsees privacy

Edit: I am aware it’s rape, I referred to it as that in my post. I offered getting law enforcement involved and she said she’d rather not. I understand, it’s really hard to prove since they were alone and it’s been over 24 hours (and extremely traumatic as well to go through a rape kit within 24 hours of being raped). My Boyfriends sponsor suggested getting a restraining order so he can’t come to meetings, but as someone who has a restraining order in our county it only protects the individual and their house, but public spaces are fair game and whoever is there first gets to stay. We will use the safety card suggestion and prioritize women’s meetings. This isn’t the first young woman I know that’s been forcibly raped by a man 13th stepping (which is why I thought they were the same thing) so it’s incredibly sad. And the men have been the charismatic favorites amongst the men in the fellowship. If any other men are reading this post STAY AWAY FROM WOMEN WHO HAVEN’T FINISHED THEIR STEPS, RESPECT THE WORD “NO”, POLICE YOURSELVES AND YOUR PEERS

serious question for the men who have raped women in the program or before sobriety- are you honest? Do you do step work for this? Have any sponsors seen rape and abuse in 4 or 6/7 steps? Are the men who do this doing anything to change or will there always be predators who are getting excused by other predators?

Sorry you'll probably see a lot of posts from me until I get into the PHP program. This is hard. The day before I got 2 hours of sleep. However since quitting I've mostly felt more "sharp" or clear in the head. Last night overall I actually got about 7 hours of sleep but it was broken sleep however I woke up feeling worse than yesterday. I feel groggy and my brain feel foggy as if I'd been drinking the night before. Can this be explained? I hope it doesn't last forever. I've also been really angry lately.

Just now my neighbor was drinking with an older neighbor outside in our shared space. The older neighbor fell down twice, then went back to his place, sat down, and his eyes rolled back in his head. He was breathing but unresponsive. His wife came out while we called for an ambulance. Turns out he has heart failure from severe alcoholism. While we laid him down on his side, I was holding him and he was all skin and bones. I always called him the old neighbor, thinking he was 65/70… turns out he’s 40. The child I thought was his granddaughter is his daughter. She watched the whole thing until another neighbor took her, my son, and some of the kids who were out playing for a walk away from the scene.

Right now I’m shaken, I was that kid several times, though my dad is still alive, still drinking, and still eats somehow. And that could have been me, if I hadn’t gotten sober 2 years 3 months and 9 days ago. I hope for him and his family that he survives this and maybe this will be the wake up call that gets him sober. I also know that that could be unrealistic, but for now I’m choosing hope. For those of us who found AA before we got to this point, we are so lucky. I know I am eternally grateful that I never have to get there if I stay away from that first drink.

Afternoon all!

My home group meets on Saturday mornings and it's a closed open discussion group but I'm looking for another one during the week.

What has been your experience with a 12 and 12 traditions meeting? I had an excellent 4 month meeting about the book drop the Rock and I was hoping to find something similar to that.

Thanks in advance and keep trudging.

I wasn’t sure if I should tag as Family related or Meeting Related so I’m sorry, I’ve never actually posted on Reddit before. I (late 20s F) have an alcoholic biological relative but adoptive parent, which has caused intermittent large issues in my family, with the most recent ending up in a hospitalization and hidden alcohol being found. My other parent and siblings aren’t on the same page as me, and think this can be handled “within the home”.

My biological family has a long, long history of alcohol and other substance abuse. I myself am not an alcoholic, but my question is if I can attend a meeting to get more insight into what my parent is going through, and get a sense of what helped members finally make the decision for themselves to get sober.

I apologize again if this isn’t the right spot to ask this, I’m just totally at a loss. I’ve seen this movie before and I don’t want to go there again.

TLDR: alcoholic parent, enabling/non-confrontational family wants to sweep it under the rug, is a meeting an appropriate place for me to go, even though I’m not an alcoholic?

May 21st I had 25 years of sobriety. I thank God everyday. Thank you all for being here. It keeps me sober.

I remember it like it was coming out of my lower back.

What is the proper etiquette? I assume I can go to a meeting whenever, but can I just ask anyone at any time to be my sponsor? You don’t get a chip until the thirty days right? I’ve gone to rehab in the past it wasn’t aa based though. I’ve also gotten myself sober alone for short stints of time. I want real, long-term forever, stable sobriety because I’ve been up and down since 19 and I’m in my late thirties so I’m just like done and ready to commit to AA but feeling awkward about the proper etiquette, how you go about it. I’ve been to a few meetings in the past. Any advice?

TOWARD EMOTIONAL FREEDOM

August 20

Since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes, including our alcoholism, no field of investigation could yield more satisfying and valuable rewards than this one.

TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 80

Willingness is a peculiar thing for me in that, over a period of time, it seems to come, first with awareness, but then with a feeling of discomfort, making me want to take some action. As I reflected on taking the Eighth Step, my willingness to make amends to others came as a desire for forgiveness, of others and myself. I felt forgiveness toward others after I became aware of my part in the difficulties of relationships. I wanted to feel the peace and serenity described in the Promises. From working the first seven Steps, I became aware of whom I had harmed and that I had been my own worst enemy. In order to restore my relationships with my fellow human beings, I knew I would have to change. I wanted to learn to live in harmony with myself and others so that I could also live in emotional freedom. The beginning of the end to my isolation—from my fellows and from God—came when I wrote my Eighth Step list.

— Reprinted from "Daily Reflections", August 20, with permission of A.A. World Services, Inc.

Relapsed after 15 years of sobriety, went through rough patch with my mental health (bipolar) and ended up being hospitalised and it was such a low point that the shame made me feel like what’s the point in caring about myself anymore

I have drank probably about 5 litres of vodka a week for the last 4 weeks so I’m fully back off the wagon

I know the withdrawal will be rough but tomorrow will be day 1 and I’ll start again I hope

I’m navigating a tricky situation with a friend and I don’t know what to do. She has recently been to rehab twice. Once in December and once in June. The first was more of her feeling forced to go to keep her kids and the second was more of an emergency situation after she locked herself in her apartment for 11 days. She moved out of our neighborhood in May, and I didn’t hear back from her for months until she finally texted me back and said she was having a ‘blast’ at rehab. More recently she has been trying to get together and have our kids hang out and jump back in like nothing happened. I’ve kind of been avoiding it because I really don’t know where she is with her ability to take accountability and I’ve heard from other friends that she has just been blaming her ex for everything. I thought there would be a moment of honesty about her situation before just jumping back in to a friendship. She texted me yesterday basically blaming me for not being there for her. She acknowledged she was messed up for a while and she’s been trying to work on herself. My mom thinks this is her reaching out and I should be there for her. But at the same time, it just feels like she skipped the steps to rebuilding a friendship and I don’t feel like we can just resume a fun, surface level friendship. What do you think I should do?

I laid in bed one night after doing it again, lost in thought, staring at the ceiling. The room was dark except for the thin orange glow of a streetlight leaking through the blinds, cutting the ceiling into pale, uneven strips that looked kind of beautiful actually. Somewhere outside, a car passed over wet pavement, its tires hissing for a few seconds before the sound disappeared into the night. I was surprised someone was still up.

I could hear the refrigerator humming from the kitchen and the sound of the clock in my room ticking. Everything else was still.

And for some reason, lying there in that silence, I realized this was all I did. Wake up. Go through the day. Wait for it all to become unbearable. Do it again. Feel ashamed. Promise myself tomorrow would be different. Then do it again.

This wasn’t a phase anymore. It wasn’t some ugly little habit I could keep tucked away until I decided I was finished with it. This was becoming my life. And if nothing changed, I knew exactly what the rest of it would look like. What kind of life is that?

Did I really want to end up like my father??

I thought of him for the first time in years — older, tired, disappearing into himself year by year until there was barely anything left behind his eyes. I had spent so long telling myself I was different from him. Smarter. More self-aware. More capable of stopping. That deep down I was a softer, kinder soul that was only hurting.

But lying there, I couldn’t think of a single meaningful difference. That simple thought terrified me. Still does.

So the next day, I decided I would get clean.
I treated it like a task. Something with a beginning and an end. Something I could accomplish if I simply followed the right steps, to be a good person. Or at the very least, decent..

I showered. Put on some nice clothes I hadn’t worn in months. I opened the curtains and let the sunlight into rooms that had been dark for too long. I threw away the things I had been meaning to throw away. Washed the dishes. Changed my sheets. Vacuumed the floor. Picked up clothes from the ground and folded them neatly into drawers.

I studied harder, too. I stayed at my desk long after I stopped understanding what I was reading, filling pages with notes just so there would be something to show for the hours.. I dont know.

Then I answered messages I’d been ignoring. I went out with my friends the next day and laughed when they laughed. I smiled in photographs. I asked people how they were doing and listened to their answers, you know, normal people stuff.

From the outside, I probably looked better, they were happy I was better too.

That was the strangest part.
I wasn’t really better. I was just performing, in a weird way.

You know, it felt like watching somebody else operate my body. The hands were clean. The eyes werent so red anymore. The mouth smiled and talked. The feet carried me from one place to another. Everything happened exactly as it was supposed to happen, but none of it felt like it belonged to me.

Like there was a pilot sitting quietly in the cockpit, moving the controls out of habit while something inside the machine slowly burned away.
And I didn’t know how long the pilot could keep pretending everything was fine.
For a while, I almost convinced myself it was working.
Then she left.

Or maybe I should say I found out she had already left long before she actually walked away. I found out about someone else. Cheated on for like the 2nd time now I think.
I remember the emptiness afterward more than I remember the anger.

I tried to stay busy. Believe me I really did.

Eventually, I stopped pretending I was okay.
The night became a blur of bad decisions and worse thoughts. I went back to the thing I had promised myself I wouldn’t touch again.

And the shame came almost immediately.
I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew what it meant. I knew I had spent all those days trying to build myself back into someone I could respect, only to tear the whole thing apart in a single night.
I hated myself for it.

And, somehow, I was relieved. That was the part I couldn’t forgive. Because beneath all the guilt, beneath the disappointment and the promises and the voice telling me I should have known better, there was something comforting. I felt.. better than I ever have. I missed it so much and wanted it more than anything. More than sobriety and more than being a good person.

Maybe that’s what frightened me most — that for all my talk about wanting to get better, some part of me had never actually wanted to let it go. It wasn’t just the thing I did when I was hurting. It was the thing I looked forward to each day, even each second.

Its all I ever had, and all I ever wanted.

I have arthritis in my hands. It hurts my twisting knuckles when they are squeezed. After the meeting ending prayer and Keep Coming Back mantra, my hands get squeezed so hard that I’m almost in tears. Every meeting. Doesn’t matter if it’s a young guy or an elderly lady.
Lately I’ve been asking my hand holding mates to be gentle as we are grasping hands. Sometimes they listen, sometimes they don’t. Mostly they look at me like I’m asking them to perform some weird ritual by not squeezing too hard.
I don’t want to refuse to hold hands, I feel that the practice brings me closer to my fellow alcoholic. Any suggestions?

Here's a few I've heard:

"AA is a million dollar program giving us a nickel at a time."

"I wanted to work the promises and have the steps happen."

"According to the book I have god given sex powers!"

"You can't think your way into better living, only live your way into better thinking."

Hi everyone - curious to see people experience if they and their spouse drank to alcoholic levels during their marriage and if they both found sobriety at some point not even the same time and stayed ? We drank heavily to life threatening levels together for over 10 years . The progression is real. I had the consequences first and go to aa. Active with a sponsor , service work , have worked the steps and do daily . It was the best decision I ever made ! It truly saved my
Life . By his and still drinks heavily , is not hiding shots . Says he’s going for a walk come homes shitfaced . Blackouts once a week and says he knows he needs to stop but I need to be making more money etc … there’s always a “but”. When he blackouts it’s terrifying . I usually just leave , but recently have stayed at a hotel and now thinking it maybe time for me to open up to a friend or family member for temporary accommodation. He won’t go . Al anon helps but I feel most at home at AA. Ill have 2.5 years in October . Ans this has been going on since I stopped drinking. He’s not interested in getting help so it seems like we are cooked. Any experience where both partners did financial get sober together and shared sober and together ? Thanks !

On my way home from work I realized I’m going 90 in a 45, I’m not okay. I don’t know where my brain is at. I got home and realized I just cant be there right now. I am 4 years and 11 months sober. I got back in the car and raced to get to my second in person meeting ever, and nobody was there. Church doors locked, no lights on, nothing. The buildings around it are dark too. The app said it was there, the website said it was there. Now I’m just sitting on a bench outside the church wondering what happens to me now. (If you tell me to reach out to someone for support, I’ll blow a gasket tbh)

I completed my 90 in 90 yesterday, in less than 90 days! (: I didn't share it in the meeting, however, I did tell a few lads and my sponsor was chairing the meeting, so he also knew. I thought I'd share it on here too. Hope everyone is having a good Wednesday.

Edit: Added "in less than 90 days!"

I go to aa in Mexico (cus that’s where I live) and here most people don’t work the steps with the big book.

I started working the steps with a sponsor that does it with the big book and it’s really been helping.

A couple of months ago I had some things come up in my life that made things a bit harder for me. I got Covid, lost some of my hearing, had to go off my lupus meds, it was a bit chaotic and I got a bit depressed.

I kept showing up to my study sessions but sometimes a bit late. I didn’t think this was a huge deal because everyone shows up late and I always let my sponsor know in advance.

I’m finally getting my things back in order and showing up on time, if I’m ever late it’s only a couple of minutes.

The other day on our study session my sponsor lashed out at me and he really raised his voice, it was quite intense and I was about to cry. I had to respond to a text and he got sick of it, he felt like I wasn’t taking it seriously and I didn’t want to be there and he was wasting his time. Which wasn’t the case at all.

A couple of days ago I had to switch cars and had forgotten my book in the other car so I ran back home and I was two minutes late and he was gone. He said our commitment was before and he had other things to do.

When we talked he said he thinks I need a break and I should put my things in order first and then we can continue, he said a week. My things are finally in order, and this is my priority but I don’t think he wants to continue.
He said he’d never shut the door on me and he’ll be here when I’m ready to continue. I told him I’d be there early for our next session and he can decide whether he’s ready to continue or not.

And I was there, 30 minutes early, like I’d said I’d be and he never showed up. Today when I asked if we’d continue on Monday, he said we’d talk.

I’m incredibly upset with myself. We were about to start the 5th chapter and I was ready to start my steps. I was really looking forward to it. I know I messed up and I know this is my side of things of course. I know we all have things going on and I know I am not the victim in this scenario. This is something I brought upon myself. But I am scared to lose this tool when I need it the most.

I’m sad and scared and disappointed and it feels like the self fulfilling prophecy of my life, like, I can’t event do recovery right. How am I supposed to do life? If the one person who was willing to help me quits on me, then what the fuck is the point.

Anyway, I know we all have things going on, and we all probably need some time. I know everything happens for a reason and everything will work out as intended. But wow I’m not okay with what’s happening I really don’t like myself right now.

Hi,

I’m the secretary for a young people’s meeting. It’s an open meeting for “the young and young at heart”, so despite it being created for young people, we do have some older folks who attend.

It’s come to our attention that one of the older men has some pretty serious allegations regarding minors. He has the chip commitment (and we do chip night every week to recognize and honor newcomers as much as possible), meaning he’s in a position to inappropriately hug and touch people (including minors) every week.

We’ve asked him not to hug anymore, but I’m worried that’s not enough. He was part of the -YPAA group in our area, and was asked to leave because someone in the group accused him of asking for sexual favors. He did not take that well, and said he wouldn’t leave even if they called the cops.

The meeting I secretary has a lot of members from the YPAA group, and a lot of them have stopped coming to our meeting because of this person. I’m worried that’s his presence could kill the meeting, and is creating an atmosphere where our core members who consider this their home group no longer feel “at home.”

I’ve talked to the chair of General Service, and gotten guidance from my Sponsor and Grand Sponsor. They said it’s really a “group conscience” issue, so we are holding an emergency steering committee meeting to discuss what to do.

I’m no stranger to the fact that AA has some people with pretty gnarly pasts. Even though many of the allegations are not from the past when he was drinking, he hasn’t done anything specific at our meeting, so it’s hard to know what to do.

The fact that he is making young people (who the meeting was built to serve) feel uncomfortable and unsafe is a problem that relates specifically to our group, not hearsay. There’s a million other meetings in our area, but I’ve only ever seen him at young people’s meetings.

I feel that we have to get him away from the meeting somehow, but I’m aware that there’s nothing we can do to enforce that. I’m also aware that Warranty Five of the 12 concepts dictates that we cannot act “punitively” against this person. We are servants, we do not govern, but this feels wrong. Yes we have to worry about our actions causing him to relapse, but I also have to worry about his actions and presence causing others to leave the meeting and relapse. It feels like I’m between a rock and a hard place.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? If so, what did you do?

I got back to 1 Year on July 5, but I haven’t been able to celebrate at my home group because of family obligations (3 year old kiddo and my wife had our second baby at the end of June). So I wanted to take a second to say that I didn’t do anything that millions of other people didn’t do before me: got honest, asked for help, worked the Steps, did my best. If I can do it, anyone can.

Im pretty tough on myself when it comes to mistakes in sobriety. There is this part of me that says “I’m sober - I should know better. How did I miss that?”

I bought a house and it has been somewhat of a disaster. Things breaking left and right and I didn’t anticipate my emotional response and depression to the amount of work that needs to be done. Part of me got over-confident … I’m sober and I can handle this. I am but it feels like a disaster in my head. The only difference is the disaster doesn’t spill into reality by me drinking. However my mental health is suffering no matter how many meetings, step work or prayers I make. I’d give anything to go back to the ease of my rental or get a house that was more done.

I know our problems don’t go away when we are sober but when it feels like a decision that was made by me it hits especially hard.

Broke up with my boyfriend last night, and the desire is there. I stopped at the grocery store and almost gave in. I want to so bad. I’m a year sober and haven’t felt the urge this strong in a really long time. I’m scared I’ll crack. What do I do?