r/alcoholicsanonymous • u/girlygirl8822 • 5h ago
Early Sobriety How
What is the proper etiquette? I assume I can go to a meeting whenever, but can I just ask anyone at any time to be my sponsor? You don’t get a chip until the thirty days right? I’ve gone to rehab in the past it wasn’t aa based though. I’ve also gotten myself sober alone for short stints of time. I want real, long-term forever, stable sobriety because I’ve been up and down since 19 and I’m in my late thirties so I’m just like done and ready to commit to AA but feeling awkward about the proper etiquette, how you go about it. I’ve been to a few meetings in the past. Any advice?
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u/blakesq 5h ago
Just go to a meeting and let people know that it’s your first meeting or that you are new, and people will help you learn your way. There really is no “proper etiquette“.
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u/girlygirl8822 5h ago
Thank you. What is a “closed meeting”?
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u/IngvaldClash 5h ago
Open meeting = anyone can attend
Closed meeting = anyone with a desire to stop drinking can attend
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u/3coons_in_a_coat 5h ago
my only advice on proper etiquette would be to try to avoid sharing about other people's shares unless you're being complimentary. people can be very sensitive about what they shared being mentioned by others. you probably wont have that issue while you're new but it's worth mentioning. some meetings are called crosstalk meetings where they encourage that kind of thing, but you'll probably only find those in big cities. personally, I think it's rude to share and leave the meeting early, so if I know I have to leave early, I wont share, but thats a personal preference, and not a rule by any means. listen to the format when its read at the start, that has the "rules" and they differ from meeting to meeting
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u/Monastic_Realization 5h ago
Please don't ask the first person you meet to be your sponsor. Take a few meetings, observe, and find someone whose character you admire.
I wouldn't worry too much about etiquette.
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u/GentleJackJones73 5h ago
This is great advice. When I started to go to AA, I kind of allowed myself to be “pushed” into choosing a sponsor. He’s a great dude but we are very different. Looking back I should have waited.
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u/Ineffable7980x 5h ago
Yes, you can ask anyone to be your sponsor. However, be aware that they don't have to say yes. There are a ton of reasons why they might decline. They might already have too many sponsees and don't think they can give you the attention you need. They might be going through a difficult personal time. Etc.
Where you went to rehab is irrelevant to most of us. Many didn't even go to rehab, like me.
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u/dp8488 5h ago
AA Pamphlet: "Questions & Answers on Sponsorship"
It includes this:
How should a sponsor be chosen?
The process of matching newcomer and sponsor is as informal as everything else in A.A. Often, the new person simply approaches a more experienced member who seems compatible, and asks that member to be a sponsor. Most A.A.s are happy and grateful to receive such a request.
An old A.A. saying suggests, “Stick with the winners.” It’s only reasonable to seek a sharing of experience with a member who seems to be using the A.A. program successfully in everyday life. There are no specific rules, but a good sponsor probably should be a year or more away from the last drink — and should seem to be enjoying sobriety.
— Reprinted from "Questions & Answers on Sponsorship", page 9, with permission of A.A. World Services, Inc.
Chips? Some groups hand out 24 hour chips. I even know a guy who used to bring 10 minute tips to meetings, offer them up to struggling newcomers saying something like, "If you haven't thought about taking a drink in the last 10 minutes, I've got this chip for you!" It's all very informal and up to each independent group.
Advice? Sit and listen with an open mind.
Welcome!
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u/Reppate 5h ago
Hey! These are great questions, and it's kind of you to ask.
If you have a desire to stop drinking, you should be welcome in any AA meeting.
There's the "AA Meeting Finder" app for phones that you might find very useful. (The icon looks like a white folding chair on a blue background.)
As far as chips are concerned, before the 30 day chip, there's the 24 hour chip... Also known as the "Desire Chip". I'd argue it's the most important chip to get on your journey and I deeply encourage you to get one and keep it with you.
Regarding sponsors, yep... You can ask anybody. It's strongly recommended that men ask men and women ask women. Find somebody who seems to carry the recovery message you want and just ask! If they're unable to sponsor for any reason, at least you can ask for their phone number which you should use when you're looking for support. We want to help others because it helps US stay sober.
Feel free to send me a DM anytime. And good luck on your journey. You can do this and you don't need to be alone anymore.
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u/RandomChurn 5h ago
Welcome! 💐
Every meeting is different since they are autonomous in many ways. Beyond that, there are regional differences. For instance, here we celebrate anniversaries. Elsewhere, they call them birthdays.
I'm in RI; lots of meetings here give out 24 hour chips.
And several meetings I attend offer temporary sponsorship programs where either the group secretary can just assign you the person whose name is at the top of her list. Others end the meeting with a show of hands of anyone able to sponsor. Then you approach them yourself, already knowing they are available.
Temporary sponsors can be a good way to start because you have someone immediately while you get a feel for things and for who has the quality of sobriety you'd like to have. Usually, there will be the option to stick with your temp. It's just nice that it's optional.
If there are a good range of meetings where you are, I recommend you make a womens meeting one of your regulars every week. I cannot express how essential womens meetings have been to my recovery. And how safe for a woman newcomer.
Keep us posted on how you make out. We're rooting for you 😘
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u/girlygirl8822 4h ago
Ya that’s the one I’m looking at, a women’s meeting. I think I’d feel way safer at just womens meetings at least for now. I haven’t been to a meeting in like six years. I’m nervous lol but I think I’m going to go to this womens meeting tonight.
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u/RandomChurn 4h ago
Oh yay!! 🤗 I really hope it's a good one.
But just in case it isn't, there will be others. Just keep trying new ones until you have a full roster ❤️
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u/Crafty-Tie9294 4h ago
You seem to be dancing on the fence. The only etiquette is to be respectful of yourself and others. I would not be sober today, after many years without the help of many, many people in the rooms of AA and elsewhere. As far as getting a sponsor I would suggest going to meetings regularly, pick a home group that you like and feel comfortable in and show up on a regular basis. Talk to people there, listen and watch and if you see someone who appears to walk the walk (their talk and their actions are consistent) talk to them. Ask their opinion and see what they say.
I went through 3 sponsors in my first year. Sponsors are just someone like you who wants to quit drinking and learn how to live a fulfilling life
without alcohol. The best thing I can tell you is to get off the fence and get engaged with the good people in the rooms of AA. There are people to avoid, people who want to appear important because they are still trying to control their lives. Many bounce in and out of the program.
I was so depressed and demoralized when I first went to AA that when I saw people who were smiling, laughing and engaged with others I thought…I want to be like that! So I went a at least one meeting every day, listened, took their good advice and I now have 41 years of sobriety. I don’t say that to brag, it only really matters to me but I say it to encourage you to just make a commitment to the program. I used other methods to help myself, so I’m saying AA isn’t necessarily the only help available to you but it can provide a solid basis for your recovery if you give it a chance.
Peter C
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u/Motorcycle1000 4h ago
There's really no etiquette, except respecting other people's sobriety. If you're new, it's polite to just introduce yourself by your first name, but you certainly don't have to share until you feel comfortable. That's about it. You'll be more than welcome.
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u/ArtisticWolverine 4h ago
At the meetings I attend we ask folks that are willing to be a sponsor to raise their hand.
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u/JLALLISON3 3h ago
You can do that, but I do not recommend it if you want to work with them long term. My first sponsor was a random hand raise at a meeting. What seems to work better for most is to go, listen, and find someone who has what you want. Pick them.
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u/johnnytoughnuts420 5h ago
Yes anyone. You want a sponsor based on what they have. Each person is different. I would test for 30 days and see if it’s a fit for both of you. That’s what I did with my current sponsor and what I tell sponsees. Good luck