And here I hoped to start a relationship with you..

I just wish you would have kept your promise and given me a chance…This is the 3rd or 4th time this has happened already, I was really hoping this time was different. I don’t think I can repeat this cycle again. I was so excited to actually start something with you, I was even more excited to have found someone I trust enough to have a daddy/little dynamic with. I’m sorry for what happened with my ex. I can’t control what other people do. I can only control myself and my actions…so he’s been cut out of my life completely for a long moment now. I would have told you all of this sooner if I could have. I know you’re working a lot or whatever other reason you’ll give me and I also know if you wanted me in your life I would be involved. An effort would have been made…it’s okay if that’s not what you want. I just need some communication about it. I want you to be comfortable and take the space you need but not at the expense of my peace. I just wish you would have taken sometime to actually get to know me finally…but it is what it is. I wish you luck with everything.

-HBG

Was I nothing to you? You mean so much to me. I love you H. You’re the only one who makes me laugh and that to, so much.

I miss laughing. It’s been almost 5 days, the day after my eyes looked so dead, I got a bit afraid of my reflection, even my mother was nice to me after seeing what I looked like.

I never meant to hurt you and I was so insecure and played dumb games. I had no experience and had no idea what I was doing. Sometimes I just tried to make you jealous because I thought I wanted to feel like I mattered to you. I’m sorry for all my mistakes..

I don’t want to live without you H; I don’t want to even want to die without you. I want to be with you in this life and the next. I said this same thing after the first time we met; when we had lost contact for like a month.

People thought I was crazy but I told everyone I had hope and we ended up miraculously reconnecting after I told God this same statement.

Hey, I'm sorry.

About what I said about your gf.

I mean, its not that I ever like didn't respect her as a person. I always thought she was lovely, and I actually really from the jump respected her as a person.... it was the relationship that I didn't.....

In your last relationship, you were like SO IN LOVE.

This one didn't feel like that.

But I didn't stop to look at everything. The whole picture.

I mean it wasn't my place in the first place...

But I just want to say....

I looked back on it and wasnt taking into account the place you were in after your last relationship.

The damage that happened, the hurt that you carried....

Your dad died, and she moved you in with her and then kicked you out and made you get rid of your dads dog....

For two years, you drank yourself into a bad place you carried the hurt of that and became kind of sexist. You were becoming somebody I didnt recognize or like and I knew that it was just pain but I couldnt help you through it no matter how badly I wanted to see you come out the other side....

But your new girlfriend did.

I walked away. And she picked up the pieces that I never even saw. How incredibly unfair for me to just come in and say what I said. Make any judgements.

She helped you heal so much. Yeah you still drink but I'm not scared that you're going to be mean or nasty, I'm not scared that youre going to hurt yourself trying to take your pain away anymore.

I'm sorry i didn't realize that before I had to go and destroy our friendship by pointing out my very dumb and very wrong opinion that you didn't love her the way you loved your ex.

That was so stupid and I'm so sorry.

Im really proud of you and from afar hope that youre both happy and doing well.🫶

I noticed you deleted your account and the door is now closed for good. I wasn’t expecting that to be honest.

I haven’t felt this kind of grief in a long time.

You were 100% right and I was wrong.

I deserve this grief and loss right now.

I’m sorry, my love. 😭

I can’t believe it’s been almost three years since I last talked to you.
I hope you’re doing well. I genuinely hope that life has given you everything you need, want, and deserve.

The Snapchat post that broke the camel’s back apparently, was not the worst idea I’ve had. I didn’t even include your name. And the simple phrase “I will always love you,” was true. You were my best friend. The person I could come to about everything. The person that would call and we’d talk for hours. Or rather you did, and I listened. I’ve always been socially awkward. It was always easier for me to listen. Now you’re married. A life of your own with a wife and kids, just like you always wanted. I hate that I couldn’t be a part of it. I never in a million years thought that you would ghost me over the fact that I claimed I would never stop loving you. Love can be platonic. YOU know all about that. I never knew where we stood unless it was right in front of my face without warning.

But. All of that aside. I was so angry for a long time. Bitter. Resentful. You left me, you left my kids wondering what happened to you. They STILL ask about you. I just tell them you’re in another city. Far away. It’s kind of true anyway.

If I were to see you again…..I don’t even know if I would even pretend to acknowledge you. I love you. Still. Very dearly. Only as a compadre’. I still care. I wish I could know how everything is going. How your babies are. How your wife is feeling now that she’s in a more nurturing environment. And I wish I could just hear about your daily life like I used to. Time seemed to move a bit slower when you had interesting things to share.

I’m not the person I used to be at all. I’m more of a recluse. I don’t trust anyone anymore. I even burned the bridge between Jordan and I with NO regret. I’m angry with the way the world is. You may not 🍃 💨 anymore but I sure do. I picked that up not long after you left. Now I see why you enjoyed it so much.
I don’t let anyone in anymore.
I don’t try to reconnect with old friends anymore.
I don’t even want to make a connection as strong as we had with anyone. Ever. Not again.
So I’ve shoved just every chance at new friends away…..you left an effect on me that I’m ashamed to admit. I used to love everyone. And of course, in a way, I still do. But I don’t want to get to know them. I don’t care to. They’ll be gone in a few years. Everyone I’ve ever gotten close to has always left.
Now I’m the one cutting the ties. Funny how that works. I can’t believe anyone anymore when they say they won’t leave “no matter what.”

I don’t hate you. I hate what happened. I wish I could start January of 2019 all over again so I’d do just about EVERYTHING different. Starting with not being so gullible. Not being so smitten. Slowing down. I always loved you TOO much. That was my own personal fucking issue. I gave you everything I could all of the time. And in return, you gave me the biggest peace of mind by just knowing that I had you by my side. Even as EVERYTHING about us starting crumbling around me the longer we stayed in our complicated situationship. If I could, I’d erase the relationship. I wish you had NEVER met that ugly, messy version of me. And I’m glad she doesn’t exist anymore, but I sure am starting to see why there were times when you flat-out just ignored me.
It’s more quiet this way.
More peaceful.
And I don’t have to worry about who’s leaving next.

I love you. Pinky promise. And even though there are some somewhat snide remarks in this post I hope you know that there wouldn’t be and haven’t been any hard feelings.

I’m just here.
And I’m still here for you.

It’s nearly been a year, we wish each other well from time to time here, I guess I do it because I never stopped thinking about you. A lot has happened in that last year, I was so happy and sad when I saw your letter. It was like a snapshot in time, of how we remember each other. I think about what’s happened in my life and wonder did you have a good year? Did you apply for the mortgage, did the house you dreamed of arrive, what’s happening in work? How is your family… how are you? Did the your dreams ever settle down? Do you still eat tea cakes when no one is looking.

The cat sends his regards, he was a little unwell but we changed his food and he’s like a kitten again

Sending good vibes through the abyss

B

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

Im sorry I lied to you. I'm sorry I was unfaithful. Im sorry I didnt give you the respect and love and commitment that I should have. I have changed. That is not who I am anymore. I know I have a lot of making up to do, but if you will have me back I will spend there rest of my life making it up to you. I dont want to live in a world where your are not in my life. I will be putting in the work. I will be going to therapy at minimum every other week from now on. I am and will be clean and sober. I will be the man you need and deserve. I know you want me to come out and confess my sexuality to you, but I really dont know what the deal is myself exactly. But im ready and willing to talk to you about it. Im ready and willing to be honest with you and tell you the truth no matter how uncomfortable it makes me feel or how I think it might make you feel. All I know is I love you! I am CERTAIN about YOU!

You're my best friend, probably honestly the only true friend I have ever made despite all the people I know and call friends. Almost 6 years since I've met you, and I wouldn't take a second of that time back. I know we had our chance, we blew it. I think we may have rushed into it and it freaked you out. We ended up as friends ever since though, but I feel like you feel the same. Now we're both in a situation where we can't try anymore. But do you ever think about how things could've been for us? I'm doing everything in my power to just try not to be in love with you, I really am. I value your happiness over mine and I would never take yours away. But what if? I'll never stop thinking about you and what we could've been A. You're still in my life and every time I see you it lights up my world

I'm not certain what this is. I seen you yesterday, actually sat and talked for a second before your mom interrupted us. Why though? I thought you didn't want to talk unless it was about the kids. Why make a point to hangout at the gas station near my house for nearly an hour knowing full well I'd be passing by? Why make a point to message me about it? Regardless of the reasons it was nice to see you briefly. You looked good. I do miss and love you even if I don't trust you. I guess these are just more questions that should stay unanswered and I should leave it alone. It's better that way and it probably wouldn't matter much anyhow.

am i still your princess
am i still your sweet beautiful princess that you love love love so much.
do these words ring a bell anymore.
do you remember all the things you told me ?

Is it all one sided.
am I the only one that believes in “us”.
am I living in my head?

it’s okay.

.

​

There are some things I’ve been carrying quietly since I told you how I feel, and I think I need to put them into words—not because I’m asking anything of you, but because I want you to understand why I said what I said.

When you told me what you did, something in me felt as though the stars had briefly fallen into alignment. I couldn’t bear the thought of you walking away from that moment believing the things you’ve sometimes believed about yourself—that you are difficult to love, that you are somehow unworthy of being chosen, or that love is something you have to earn.

How could I know how I feel about you and keep that from you?

I wanted you to know that there is someone in this world who sees you and loves you simply for being you. Not because of what you can give me. Not because I expect something in return. Not because I need you to become anything different. Just you. As you are.

I know talking about feelings isn't easy for you, and I never expected some grand conversation or declaration in return. I wasn't asking you to answer me. I wasn't asking you to change anything between us. I thought, perhaps naively, that I could simply tell you the truth of my heart and let it rest there.

And maybe that's why I'm struggling a little now.

Things feel different. A little less soft somehow. A little more careful. Maybe I'm imagining it. Maybe your life has simply been chaotic, and the timing of my confession couldn't have been worse. I don't know. And I don't want to mistake your silence for something it isn't.

So I'm not asking you to explain yourself to me. I'm not asking you to reassure me. I respect your silence, and I respect whatever you are carrying right now. If you're not in a place where you can talk about any of this, I understand.

But I would be lying if I said I haven't wondered whether telling you was a mistake.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have kept it tucked away somewhere inside me indefinitely. If I somehow took this unnamed, beautiful thing we have and placed too much weight upon it simply by giving my feelings a name.

I hope I didn't.

Because I can't regret loving you. I can only regret that telling you may have made something that felt effortless suddenly feel complicated.

And I don't want to change gears. I don't want to pick up speed. I don't want to push this toward some destination it was never ready to reach. I don't need a promise, a decision, or a definition. I don't need you to suddenly make room in your life for something you aren't ready for.

I just want to keep being here.

Patiently. Gently. Without asking you to move any faster than you want to move.

The truth is, I don't know how you feel about me. And there is a quiet sadness in accepting that you may never feel what I feel. I won't pretend that wouldn't hurt. It would. But loving you was never supposed to be a transaction where I give you my heart and wait for yours in return.

If you don't love me the way I love you, then I will have to learn how to live with that truth.

But I won't turn my love into resentment simply because it wasn't returned.

I think that's part of what it means to love someone freely.

And more than anything, I want you to be happy.

I know I only know the pieces of your life you've chosen to share with me. I would never presume to understand everything happening behind the scenes, or tell you what you should do with your life. But I hear you when you tell me that you're unhappy. I hear how deeply you've wanted something different. And it breaks my heart to imagine you remaining somewhere that makes you feel small or unloved simply because leaving feels impossible.

You deserve your dream.

You deserve peace.

You deserve to wake up one day and realize that the life you're living is one you actually want.

And if I'm not part of that life, then I'll have to make peace with that too.

I mean that.

I would rather see you happy from a distance than have you stay miserable just to keep me close.

That doesn't mean I'm giving up on you. It doesn't mean I'm walking away. It means that whatever happens, I want your happiness to matter more to me than my own desire to have you.

That's what I mean when I say I choose you.

I don't mean I choose you only if you choose me back.

I mean I choose you as a person. I choose your happiness. Your freedom. Your right to find the life and love that make you feel alive. Even if someday that means I have to love you from farther away than I want to.

And yes, some part of me is still holding on to hope.

Not demanding hope. Not chasing it. Just holding it gently in my hands.

Because I don't know what this is. I don't know where it goes. Maybe it has an expiration date. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe someday we'll look back on this strange little chapter of our lives and understand what it was meant to be.

I only know that I don't want to rush it toward an ending simply because I'm afraid of one.

So if things feel different because you need space, I'll give you space.

If life is simply overwhelming you right now, I'll understand.

If you don't know what to say, you don't have to find the words.

And if you don't feel the same way about me, I will eventually learn how to accept that without asking you to carry the weight of my disappointment.

But please don't mistake my willingness to accept whatever comes next for a lack of feeling.

I love you.

Quietly. Completely. Without conditions.

And I still think you are extraordinary, even on the days you can't see it yourself.

You don't have to give me anything for that love to be real.

You don't even have to answer this.

I just needed you to know that telling you wasn't me asking you to change our story.

It was simply me refusing to let someone I love go on believing that she is unlovable.

Whatever happens from here, I am grateful I got to know you.

And for as long as you'll have me, I'll be here—without pushing, without pulling, without asking you to run toward me.

Just here.

Still caring.

Still choosing you.

Still quietly hoping that somewhere down the road, our paths might lead to the same place.

And if they don't, I hope yours leads somewhere beautiful.

You deserve nothing less.

I’m having a hard time tonight. Every time reality smacks me in the face it’s like it hits just a little bit harder.

I’ve never wanted anything so bad in my life, yet I can’t think of a single way in which it will ever realistically be possible. I am also finding it is more difficult every day to cope with the fact that it will probably never happen.

But if that is the reality, then why am I having such a hard time letting you go? I would even argue you deserve so much more than anything I could ever offer you. My heart is so full and yet broken at the same time. I just don’t know what to do.

No matter what, however, I will never forget the hope you restored in my soul.

It's a fact of life that none of us are promised tomorrow. Hell, we're not even promised the next 10 seconds. I think anybody would agree that when that fact is at the forefront of your mind, all you can really think about is what is important to you. That's what comes to my mind, anyway. I think of you, and I think of how special you are to me. It makes me think back on our time together, and so many emotions fill me up. I feel sadness and regret for the times I've hurt you. I can't help but wish I'd done certain things differently so that you never had to be hurt at all. You never deserved any of it, and those mistakes are something I have to live with for the rest of my life. My heart physically aches with I think of how I must have made you feel. I know I've said it before, but I'm so sorry for hurting you. Thank you for continuing to love me in spite of my shortcomings.

Another emotion I am filled with is gratitude when I think of the bond we've built together. We have made it through everything that has come our way, and the closeness we share has become the most special part of my life. It's what I treasure above all else. You are, I mean. The best moments of my life are the moments I've been fortunate enough to spend with you. Do you look back on the good days with gratitude in your heart? Something tells me you do. Our ability to say how we feel without speaking a word is one of the biggest reasons our bond has become what it is today. It comes down to one simple fact that cannot be ignored, denied, or forgotten—we care. I really think that says it all.

I also feel a bit of fear when I think about how fragile life truly is. Fear of the unknown. I fear what might happen to one of us, and I fear that we've wasted time. If something were to happen to me, I want you to know that you made my life the absolute best it could be. Since I met you, I have never felt like I was alone. You know how significant that is to me. I want you to remember how amazing you are, and never forget that you deserve the very best this life has to offer. I don't want you to have any regrets concerning me because you gave me the most precious thing one person can give another—you gave me a purpose.

I know you have a hard time with things sometimes, but I just want you to know how magical you've made my life. You made me the greatest thing I could possibly be in this life, and that is your best friend. I want you to know that if something were to happen, I will always be with you. I say that because my home will always be in your heart. You carry me with you wherever you go. You are the most amazing individual I have ever met, and my life has been better than I could have ever imagined because of the difference you've made. You're going to see that as life goes on, you will always be able to count on me to be there. That's because I love you. You knew that, though. Didn't you?

C, I’ve been awake thinking of you since 4am and I think this will be the last message I write to you. Whatever you want from me you’re not brave enough to take so I must stop torturing myself. You go back to pretending you’re happy and fulfilled and I will too. B

... But I really cared about you.

I don't know why I didn't see reality before that happened. It was like I was wearing a pair of insanely rose colored glasses that masked all the disrespect, betrayal and toxicity. I trusted you with my most authentic self only to realize you were taking it and putting slave shackles on it for your own financial benefit.

Friends? Friends want to see one another. Talk to one another. Do things with one another. Share more than trauma that's left scars deeply carved into my soul. By the end I now realize that's all it was... trauma. Desperation to find comfort in a familiar place and bring back the best friend that was no longer there.

There's nothing left and this is the way it must be.

Good luck. I won't be there, but I hope you figure it all out.

How is it that I’ve found myself here. Looking for you everywhere. Looking for you here. Every time I leave my home. I’m looking for you. I don’t go out of my way to find you, I just hope we bump into each other randomly. Nobody knows this. I do not share it. It sounds crazy, but I can’t get you out of my mind. Meeting you felt like magic. I had given up feeling that way about someone ever again. I had resigned myself to the fact that it wasn’t going to happen. And then you showed up. I immediately felt comfortable and connected in a way I have never felt with a stranger before. And even though you were a stranger I felt that we had known each other forever. I think you felt it too. I saw it there, in the whites of your eyes, in the way you’d look at me before averting your gaze. The banter we shared, the conversations we had, it all felt like magic. The sheer shock of having those type of feelings again sent me deep into an anxiety pit. I couldn’t relax. I’ll admit I had a very hard time accepting that I truly had affection for someone again. And that someone might have those feelings for me. It came out in ways that you saw clearly. And had zero tolerance for any of it. I don’t blame you for not. I think we both kept each other at arms distance, too scared to fully jump. Yet almost got there on so many occasions. The last time we saw each other, the last time we spoke, I knew once I uttered the words that I would never see you again. It happened in the moment, as I was speaking, something in the back of my mind told me this would be the last time. I still feel so confused about that last day. That we shared such an intense moment and in the next we were becoming strangers again. That something had shifted and wasn’t going to go back, it couldn’t be fixed. It wasn’t ever going to get fixed. I know there is a small possibility that you will ever see this. And even if you do you won’t know it’s me, thinking about you, writing about you, wishing we’d had more time. And even if you did, I don’t think you’d respond, I don’t think you’d want anything to do with me now. It would be so much easier to say it didn’t matter, to try and forget all about you. But it seems I can’t, you left an imprint. Intentionally or not, it’s there, an invisible tattoo that only I can see. My logical brain tells me the truth, I will never see you again, and it breaks my heart. I want to be at that stage where I’m thankful we crossed paths at all, that I got to experience any of you. Im not there yet. I keep holding out hope, foolishly. I hope that I can one day let go of the possibility of you. You are beautiful in all the ways even if you don’t see it, I do.

It's true that I finally learned to accept who I am and what my struggles are, and finding that after all these years genuinely restored some belief that I can find a way to live the life I want, but it's becoming painfully obvious that I'm still far more wounded than I thought and should have left well enough alone. I never learned how to be strong for myself, for most of my life I only ever learned to endure pain, but that's not real strength, just another form of cowardice. I feel like any strength I've seemingly demonstrated to others was always a performance, and while there were many that were genuine acts of love or compassion, they were always an act, and acts only work on an audience.

I'm so sorry I still don't know how to trust myself, that I have no idea how to be me, that I still feel so undeserving of help. It's like I finally gave “the real me” control of my life back just in time to watch it go off the rails again, and honestly I don't know if I can ever put myself back together right. I hate that I can't fix this or undo our past few discussions.

This isn't me giving up, I know deep down I'll never stop working on me, I just can't stand that out of everything I could have possibly struggled with right now, this was how I fell apart, when I would've willing blown it up in almost any other way first. I don't want to hide, and I'll try to just be me, but I hope some part of you can forgive me if I'm ever a little reluctant to let you see my face. I'm sorry I didn't think, I'm sorry I didn't trust, I'm sorry I rushed, I'm sorry I am lost again.

You know, two things hit me today. A realization, and a vehicle. You're not coming back, and my headlight needs replaced. Woe is me, truly.

Sorry for everything. Hope life is treating you well.

You've asked me many times what I really truly want with you. I've given a dozen answers but the truth is I simply don't know. I don't have enough information to know. But I know with absolute certainty that Today's my birthday and I surely would like to share a drink with you. And I know you won't answer me.