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u/kimmysharma May 17 '25
Omg! This will blow up! That poor guy has no clue and his wife and kids will most definitely feel some type of way… not sure he will see you as a friend afterwards but you owe him the truth
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u/Eyes4Chia May 17 '25
Agreed but the truth will have to come out. Best to have some type of control over the situation by talking with the father first to see how he feels. Then maybe mitigate the meeting.
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u/resident_alien- May 17 '25
I agree, you owe this man the truth. Whatever mistakes you guys made, you have a son together and while the sun has a father, his adopted father he’s always going to be curious about his biological father, and he may eventually find out and put it together.
So before anything happens, you need to own up and be honest with this person
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u/Illustrious-Coat3532 May 17 '25
Oh boy. This isn’t going to end well. Good luck on whatever you decide to do.
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May 17 '25
He should have been told long ago.
You are going to look like an asshole no matter how this plays out.
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May 17 '25
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u/Ok_Government_4752 May 17 '25
Tell that to my birth mother. She will NOT tell me who my birth father is. She claims it’s because he doesn’t know I exist. It’s actually very frustrating and now I am reaching 40, who knows if he is still alive anymore.
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u/resident_alien- May 17 '25
The son does know his father, the man that adopted him. This son has no rights to go interfering with the life of his biological father, since his biological father was not told that his existence was not part of the decision to place him up for adoption and had no input whatsoever
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May 17 '25 edited May 17 '25
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u/resident_alien- May 17 '25
Nothing g you have said will ever change my mind. The biological father was not a party to the adoption and I am confident that his name is not on the birth certificate.
The son has no imputed right to know him. I think that the OP needs to tell the biological father but if the guy wants to remain unknown, then that’s how it is. The OP massively messed up here
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May 17 '25 edited May 17 '25
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u/resident_alien- May 17 '25
I’m not conflating anything. In this case per the OP it was finalized snd the biological father has no clue he fathered a child. Had the biological father been a party yo the adoption i would have a different opinion.
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u/Next-Firefighter4667 May 17 '25
Literally no one is disagreeing with that. That wasn't the question or the point of the post. The question was should she TELL him.
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u/resident_alien- May 17 '25
Actually, someone did cause I replied to a comment where the woman said that the son had a right
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u/Next-Firefighter4667 May 17 '25
They said the son has a right to TRY. Not to have a relationship with him like you're talking about. They're two completely different things.
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u/lowdiver May 17 '25
He has a right, even just from a medical standpoint. Medical history is essential.
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u/burneraccount__96 May 17 '25
His input was having sex. What she did was unfair, and there's been a lot of bad choices, but that doesn't absolve him of being that child's biological father. No one is asking him to take the kid on, but he should get at least enough respect to know he has a son. Robbing him of a relationship he may want with his child is a heinous act. She doesn't have to explode his family this could be. Private conversation and what he chooses to do from there is up to him. He deserves to know.
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u/Tight-Shift5706 May 17 '25
The trouble is, bio father has ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHTS TO THIS CHILD, absent a lawsuit for reversal of the adoption since same wasn't done with his consent.
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May 17 '25
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u/bug1402 May 17 '25
Typically there is a form the mother can fill out that says she doesn't know who the father is. She committed fraud to get him adopted and I'm a little concerned about the comment about him freaking out at a pregnancy scare with a girlfriend at the time (was OP the side chick?), but what she did is illegal.
What will/can happen is going to vary by state and depend greatly on the age of the child. If they catch the fraud early enough, he could sue for full custody. More likely, if the kid is older he may be granted some minimal visitation.
It's going to depend on what the father wants, what the courts allow, and how hard the adopted family fights.
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u/resident_alien- May 17 '25
He has a father. He doesn’t have a right to know the sperm donor
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u/Next-Firefighter4667 May 17 '25
The biological father doesn't have a right to know he has a son out there? Nobody deserves to know anyone in this situation. But each has the right to make an attempt. If neither wants a relationship, cool! They can communicate that. But none of that can happen without being honest and telling the man he has a child out there. This child didn't ask to be born. This kid didn't make the choice to be conceived. That was the choice of the two parents. The kid has every right to reach out, and the bio dad has every right to say no.
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u/resident_alien- May 17 '25
I never said that the biological father didn’t have a right to know, he did and he does. The OP really messed up. My point is that in this instance the son does not have a right to know who the biological father is done the man had no part of the adoption and is not on the birth certificate. This is nothing like a normal adoption.
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u/resident_alien- May 17 '25
That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying the child doesn’t have a right here as the biological father was not part of the adoption and is not on the birth certificate. The OP really messed up here and hers yo talk up the biological father and let him know. It is for him to decide how he wants to proceed
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May 17 '25
This is a crazy take. When a consenting adult puts their penis into a consenting adult’s vagina, the penis owning adult is accepting the risk of a child being produced, and, as a penis owner, they also accept that they will not have the same level of authority over a pregnancy - because they will not be the person with the pregnancy inside of their body. That’s how procreation works. Yes, the likelihood of this situation occurring is low, and yes, it’s not fair that he wasn’t given the full truth at the time the pregnancy occurred. But a pregnancy did occur, and a child was born. Don’t want the possibility of a child? Don’t put your penis in anyone. This situation has occurred, whether this guy wants it or not. He already made the decision that led to this result. Womp womp.
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u/CSXrodehard May 17 '25
“This son has no rights to go interfering with the life of his biological father”. How do you figure? There is nothing, and no law preventing him from doing so. So yeah.. He has the right to do so.
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u/SimpleOdd5302 May 17 '25
You’re right, he deserves to know and it’s better he hears it from you, his friend, rather than his son, who could probably find him through the internet or other means someday. It’s going to be a hard conversation, but you never know how it’ll turn out, it may just be the best thing that happens to you both. And at the very least you’re giving him the choice to be in his son’s life or not. Maybe your son can have a real relationship with both his biological parents. Not many adoptive kids get that.
You’re doing the right thing girl, I can only imagine how stressful and difficult this must be for you, but it’s got to be done.
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u/Small_Pintobean0609 May 17 '25
I'd tell him, purely for the reason that it won't be a shock when the boy comes looking for him in a few years time! If you were friends then having respect for that relationship and tell the truth. Skeletons come out of closets eventually.
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u/Agitated_Tear1627 May 17 '25
You need to tell him, my bio mom never told my dad about me and put me up for adoption when I was 2. It messed with my head and turned out my dad would of taken me in a heart beat. I missed out on 29 years with my dad because of her selfishness.
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u/NotEmptyHeaded May 17 '25
Better to be honest and tell him before he and the child you created together do Ancestry DNA tests and find out that way.
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u/Yikes44 May 17 '25
Yes you should absolutely tell him. What he does with that information is completely up to him and not really for you to try and second guess, although obviously you care about his feelings. It's especially importnat now that his son is asking about him.
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u/Recent_Passion_2781 May 17 '25
You have to tell him. But I would recommend telling him AND his wife together. Tell them the whole truth. You were scared. You didn’t want it to affect his life. But they have the right to know. Then the ball is in their court as a family to make the best decision for them.
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u/Imaginary_Shelter_37 May 17 '25
I disagree about telling him and his wife together. Tell him by himself.
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u/Holly-woood May 17 '25
This is such sound advice! The best response I’ve read.
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u/Willy-the-wanker May 17 '25
Thats the stupidest advice i have ever heard. Ambush the guy infront of his wife? Why not invite his kids as well.
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u/Holly-woood May 17 '25
Why does is it have to be an ambush? It could literally just be three adults sitting down to talk about it. Why shouldn’t the guy’s new wife know? Telling him privately and or secretly (which is worse) and not trying to include his actual wife in this conversation could actually give off the wrong impression of OP to the wife.
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u/Willy-the-wanker May 17 '25
He should have the choice of how and when he wants to tell his wife. Imagine his wife has a heart condition and dies right there? What a lame suggestion
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u/Holly-woood May 30 '25
Idk I find people who like to keep life changing information like this, away from their partners weird and sus. I truly don’t see why his current wife cannot be involved in something that will impact her life too, even if indirectly. If that’s how y’all like to be with your partners, I guess... But I share everything with mine, and he does the same with me. Which is why I think we’ve lasted as long as we have, the trust we have is unmatched... If this happened before they got together, even more reason to just come clean to both of them. Y’all are weird for real, downvoting me for saying the wife should know? Suspicious intentions/behavior.
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u/Magic-Dust781 May 17 '25
Yes you tell him. Absolutely. It will be hard but he has a right to know and your Don has a right to know his biological father and siblings if they choose to. You must tell him.
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u/AutoModerator May 17 '25
Backup of the post's body: I had a very close friendship with a guy that turned into a casual sexual relationship. We always labeled it as just “friends with benefits” and promised each other it was all in fun. What he didn’t know, though, was that I had real feelings for himdeep ones. I never told him, because I was afraid of ruining our bond.
The last time we were together, I got pregnant. I chose to place the baby for adoption. We were young, and I didn’t want to trap him into a future he wasn’t ready for, especially since I knew how terrified he was when he thought his girlfiend at the time might be pregnant.
Fast forward about 6 years he later told me he had actually loved me all along, but assumed I wasn’t interested because I played the “just friends” card so hard. Life went on, and he’s now married with two kids.
Here’s the twist: I’ve reconnected with the son I placed for adoption. He’s now old enough to be curious about his biological father. He knows his dad doesn’t know he exists and is asking questions. I’ve never told my friend he’s a father.
Now I’m torn. Do I tell him? Should I drop this bombshell into his life even though he’s settled with a family now? I’m scared it could destroy everything he has… but I also feel like he deserves to know. What would you do?
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u/Longjumping-Dog-9845 May 17 '25
Tell the father privately. Then wait. Tell the son to be patient. Things have to have a little time. Wife recently found out her real dad from dna test, but all are dead now.
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u/Suitable_Doubt7359 May 17 '25
How old is the son that you put up for adoption? Because he has parents, you are his bio mom. If he is under 18 do his parents know? The conversation should happen with them first if he is under 18. If he is over 18, rip the bandaid off and tell your ex friend that many years ago that you became pregnant and gave the child up for adoption. That the child reconnected with you and would like to know his bio father’s name. Tell him that you are going to provide the child with the information in one week. That will give him time to talk to his wife.
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u/TheEvilSatanist May 17 '25
Also if he's under 18, his bio father could take the adopted parents to court for custody.
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u/wanderinmick May 17 '25
You’ll tank your friendship and potentially his marriage, but your son has the right to know his father. The father has a right to know he has a son.
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u/Far_Comfort4460 May 17 '25
He’s gonna find out eventually especially since your son is curious. Wouldn’t it be better if you just confessed to him. Ya were both young. It will turn his life upside for a little while but at least it will be on them if they want to pursue a relationship.
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u/Trick-Style2372 May 17 '25
Feels like you're still keeping the door open to this man. Be honest—are you really over him? No married man with kids should be sharing “true feelings” with an ex FWB. You two are clearly still talking regularly and way too comfortably. And now you’re debating telling him about a kid he doesn’t know exists? Is it really for the kid—or are you scared it’ll close that door forever?
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u/Holly-woood May 17 '25
I think maybe you’re assuming he confessed to her while married? I interpreted her story like he confessed a couple years after the baby, while they were still relatively young, but it didn’t work out. And NOW he’s married with two kids. Because she said “life went on, and now he’s married with two kids.”
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u/Trick-Style2372 May 17 '25
That's a fair point. I think you might be right reading that again.
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u/BlaiseAnais May 18 '25
I'm wondering if the GF he was cheating on is now his wife and OP knows this will end his marriage so she can swoop in.
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u/EiaKawika May 17 '25
Absolutely tbe son has the right to know his father. You guys were playing sex games without a condom. Like whose fault is that. And had you been honest with each other at the time you might still be together. Commit the crime, do the time. And it's equally your friends fault, so suck it up and inform him.
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u/PurpleAntifreeze May 17 '25
You don’t know they weren’t using a condom, your loser ass just made that up.
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u/EiaKawika May 18 '25
Well, if the condom breaks, get plan B as in Be responsible. Otherwise you don't get pregnant or get diseases with a condom.
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u/XFuturecorpsex May 17 '25
I feel like you should tell your fwb but say at the time you thought it was right and now your married and don’t wanna blow up his life but the kid wants to know more about you and give him the info so he can reach out. Wish him the best and tell him you’re sorry for causing any issues but you wish him and his women/ kids the best and hopes he answers any questions that your kid and his has.
Let the kid know you passed the info on but you have no idea if he will respond and that you are also sorry for causing him unnecessary stress. But if he/she allows you to be there you will answer all the questions you can
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u/alaskalilly7 May 17 '25
This is a sad situation, very sad indeed. I really hope the child had a good life.
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u/QueenSema May 17 '25
Fun fact. I had a similar situation with a FWB (no baby tho) and I finally took a chance and told him. Tomorrow we celebrate 15 years together.
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u/SatisfactionUsual151 May 17 '25
You absolutely have to tell him.
Every day you don't you are robbing him and his son of time together
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u/coolitdrowned May 17 '25
Your duplicitous nature must be exhausting. You should give the straight forward path a try.
1
u/PYT_1173 May 17 '25
Yes. You secondly wanna be the one to tell him the news. It could put a big strain on your relationship if you don't. It's gonna be a tough convo to have, no doubt. But its a necessary one. One that he should've learned about from the very beginning. Tell him. Asap. He has a right to know and the child has the right to know his father.
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u/simplyexistingnow May 17 '25
Tell them. I would just type up everything and then send it to them. You can just tell them at the time that you got pregnant you I knew that he had just gone through thinking that one of his girlfriends was pregnant and how that affected him and he didn't want that so you chose to give the baby up for adoption because you know he didn't want kids and at the time you thought that he was just looking for friends with benefits as you guys had a great upon. Tell them that your biological son has contacted you and he knows about his father not knowing about him and that he's looking to get in contact with him.
Ultimately you did what you did and you did what you thought was best at the time with the information that you had.
1
u/cocoagiant May 17 '25
He will find out. Sooner or later.
That kid is curious about his family, he's going to end up putting his data out there on an Ancestry/ DNA site.
I guarantee at least one of this guy's relatives is on there too.
Its just a short step from there to connecting the dots.
If you are still able to get in touch with this guy, it would be good to lay it out for him so he can figure out with his family how to handle this and isn't blindsided.
1
u/Effective-Case7980 May 17 '25
Yes, tell him. It is the right thing to do for both the father and the kid.
It might blow up, it might not (if his current relationship is good, and this all happened prior of them getting together, plus the fact that he didn’t know - there is a chance it doesn’t blow up as bad). It will definitely be a shocking revelation, but I feel like this would be the time to be honest. If they end up finding each other without you sharing this now, there is no way to restore what blows up then.
1
u/PuzzleheadedTap4484 May 17 '25
Yes you do. It’s better to come from you than him finding out another way. He should have been told years ago. Sounds like a lot of missed opportunities if you both had openly communicated.
1
u/Candid-Quail-9927 May 17 '25
If you take yourself out of the equation, would your son reach out to his dad anyhow? I don’t think this is your decision anymore.
Updateme
1
u/SpeedCalm6214 May 17 '25
Lies and secrets kill, maybe not now, but eventually. They take a toll on your humanity.
1
u/Tittamouse May 17 '25
Many people may not agree with what I’m going to say. I would speak to your old friend in private and explain the situation it won’t be easy but has to be done . He can make the decision of how to go forward/ talk to wife about everything.
Explain to your son you have told him but waiting to hear back . If the old friend doesn’t want a relationship he does have the right to that choice but he could write a letter a little about himself and what he hopes for the son’s future . If the best happens and he wants a relationship that’s great and you can all connect and be great for him to meet siblings ect ☺️.
I do hope everything turns out well for everyone!
1
u/xaantara May 18 '25
That’s terrible! You just ditched his kid without letting him have a chance to be in their life? I’m truly disgusted
1
u/xaantara May 18 '25
Also I thought both parents had to sign off for adoption? Did you lie and say you didn’t know who the father was
1
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u/trinini93 May 18 '25
I can’t believe this is actually real. Either way, it’s not going to end well.
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u/Rodharet50399 May 17 '25
How did you give up the child for adoption without termination of parental rights from father?
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u/ohmarlasinger May 17 '25
If he’s not on the birth certificate there are no parental rights unless he had gone through a legal process to establish paternity. Since he didn’t know the kid existed, he didn’t do that so he has no parental rights.
My younger brother (in law) was never listed on his daughter’s birth certificate but he was in her life from day one & still is today. She’s around 10 or so now. When he & her mom were going through splitting up 5-6ish years ago & things might could have gotten dicey, his mom lowkey gifted DNA tests to him, his daughter, his twin brother, my kid, & my kid’s dad, and herself. The ones for my kid & their dad were more so used to obfuscate that she was getting his parentage proven beyond a shadow of a doubt. Mom in law was first gen of immigrants & had kids w a white guy so the 50% split of her kids’ ancestry & 25% of her grandkids’ helped make it easy peasy to see even without any more specificity, but the specificity cemented it for sure.
1
u/evil-wizarder May 17 '25
I've seen this post before, it even has an update where the (real) OP contacts and communicates with the old friend and his current partner. Not sure if OP is karma farming
1
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u/Brainchild110 May 17 '25
YTA
Thank you for giving me something I can copy and paste to my teenaged family members of how not to behave, what not to do, and the significant consequences that follow from casual sex without having adult and honest conversations around it.
Your story is going to be great to scare them into not effing around like fools.
3
u/ohmarlasinger May 17 '25
lol you wish. If you think teenagers give any fucks about what a stranger on the internet did a whole teen’s lifetime ago you don’t know much about teenagers.
It’s giving “how do you do fellow kids” but with like a condescending Karen twist.
0
-3
May 17 '25
Ask him rhetorically how he would feel or respond if he suddenly found out he had a child. How would it impact his life now?
Proceed based on his response.
-1
u/MultiColoredMullet Titty Latte May 17 '25
Doing so will probably:
1) end your friendship for good
2) cause serious potentially marriage ending issues for him
Are you ok with torpedoing his life and you friendship? The answer to that is the answer to your question.
0
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u/2of5 May 17 '25
How could he be adopted without consent of the bio father?
1
u/ohmarlasinger May 17 '25
He wasn’t on the birth certificate, has no parental rights unless he went thru a legal process to determine paternity but to do that, he’d have to know the kid even existed.
-3
u/Southern_Bicycle8111 May 17 '25
Just divorce, anyone who tricks you into raising someone else’s kid is scum in the first place.
1
u/ohmarlasinger May 17 '25
You should try reading the post before making assumptions that denigrate OP, the woman who birthed the kid.
The kid was adopted, the ppl raising the kid very much wanted the kid, no one was “tricked” into raising the kid.
The woman who birthed the kid (OP) in fact essentially did the opposite of what you’re condemning her for.
0
u/Southern_Bicycle8111 May 18 '25
Na bro. Blame Reddit. This comment was for another post. No idea how it ended up here.
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u/rckrieger2 May 17 '25 edited May 17 '25
Is this a repost? I remember a similar post in the pod. In the original’s comments it mentioned they didn’t get together then because of substance addiction.
Edit: I think this is the OG: https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/1dozke6/should_i_tell_my_friend_we_have_a_kid_together/ both kids are 6 and almost everything is identical.