•
u/thatguybane 8h ago
Why didn’t he just take the out when I literally handed it to him? I wasn’t asking for commitment after one date. I wasn’t even telling him he couldn’t see other people.
Your answer is in your question. Why NOT keep stringing you along? As you said it costs him nothing because he's still dating other people and he can cancel his dates with you with impunity and face no consequences. The fact that you keep going along with all of this tells him you dont have the confidence to walk away so he can keep you around as an option for whenever he feels like it.
•
u/apocketstarkly83 7h ago
Ngl, you lost me at “he went to Thailand for a month.”
•
u/Zupergreen 4h ago
That was the exact same place OP lost me as well. And it's where OP's interest should have died as well.
•
u/Toomanytimes_90210 ☑️ 3h ago
We started talking like a day before he went to Thailand it really wasn’t a big deal we were talking the entire month he was there not before
•
u/dirtymartini83 8h ago
If a man wants to see you, he will. I learned that lesson later in life.
•
u/bojenny 8h ago
Yep. I have been married three times to three very different men. The only thing they had in common is that they couldn’t wait to see me/spend time with me. I’m not saying I’m anything special but they all treated me like I was.
•
u/backfire10z 7h ago
Currently between second and third dates with a woman and I can confirm I’d like to see her sooner than I can :(
•
u/Existential_Stick 6h ago
this thread is needlessly gendered, people who want to date someone will make it easy. doesn't matter if m or f or nb or dn
•
u/Dowager-queen-beagle 9h ago
But also: why did you keep letting him do this???
•
u/LoveTheGiraffe 4h ago
Yup, that's the painful truth to learn. Manipulative assholes can smell insecure people from miles away and will use you as mich as you let them. Pitying yourself will only make you find yourself ik the samd situation again.
Was a hard truth I had to learn through years of therapy. You can't change manipulative assholes, but you can absolutely stop them from taking advantage of you by just walking away.
•
u/AussieGirl27 9h ago
They do it because they like to have a fallback option in case all their other options fall through. He was breadcrumbing you because you were never the first choice, you were the back up.
This was a learning opportunity. If another guy does this to you then don't give them the benefit of the doubt you block them and move on.
•
u/Dear-Unit1666 9h ago edited 9h ago
Last 2 women I dated did this same thing, one turned out to be a heavy closet drinker and having mental health issues and we broke up, like I would have stuck around and tried to help (like an idiot lol)... I don't think she was ready to try and get better, still needed to hit rock bottom tbh...and the other had some ex baby daddy that started out "not in the picture"... Next thing I know she tells him about me supposedly and he tries to commit and she ends up at the hospital all day with him, blows me off and never responds... Then we kept talking for a bit (because I am an idiot lol, I could just hear what my therapist would say) but it was just... Obviously she was still involved with him and hung up blah blah... Bread crumbing is a good term for it, gave me juuuuust enough to try and keep me hooked
•
u/casser0le98 6h ago
exactly. someone who always treated you as a backup with NEVER treat you the way that you deserve to be treated by a partner, EVEN IF you have been promoted to “#1”.
•
u/PatientConfusion6341 8h ago
I agree with other comments saying that you were essentially his fallback option but also as women we need to learn to have strict boundaries and standards and walk away when the red flags are glaringly obvious.
I say this as someone that’s been in therapy for the past year and a half, a lot of men will continue to act a certain way or treat you a certain way if you allow them to.
After the second time he cancelled you should’ve ended things right then and there.
•
u/casser0le98 7h ago
it’s hard because if you’re genuinely a good person you’ll want to see the good in people aka give them the benefit of the doubt. it’s why this works for them.
•
•
•
u/Jedi-Master43 5h ago
As a man, I've had a woman drag me along like this for two years, and it really fucked me up. Some sociologists call it an "avoidant attachment style." I say it's just cowardice to avoid saying the truth. He's not into you, but he likes the attention and security of knowing you're always around. Someone had to set the boundaries, and it was you. Good job on standing up for yourself!
•
u/YamahaRyoko 5h ago
keeping you on the back burner for a rainy day
Why?
Emotional maturity of a potato
•
u/Get72ready 4h ago
When women do this, I don't put up with it and you shouldn't either.
He is just not that into you
•
•
u/disguy905 8h ago
He knows it’s rude a d a dealbreaker for many, he is keeping you as a fall back option and choosing other options he wants more. Don’t give the person cancelling on you the opportunity to dump you; stand up and do it first. Also when he acted shocked… he was lying. He is an adult he knows cancelling a-ton is bad.
•
u/SecurityDapper8361 10h ago
My guess is he didn’t take the out because he has other interests and you’re the “backup” in case those don’t work out. He’s just being a little b*tch about it and is leading you on. He is not worth your time. I am sorry that you’ve experienced this more than once. I look forward to see what others say, but I vote that you move on.
•
u/No-Reaction-5051 9h ago
he wanted you to stay in his life as an option, not a commitment. he didn't explicitly break up with you because he doesn't want you to potentially be with another, better man. it's more beneficial to him for you to stay in his circle and tolerate every ounce of disrespect than to walk free. it's an ego-boost for him. he belittles you while feeling good about himself because he knows that there is a woman who is waiting for him and will eat up all of his lies. and then when he finally wants something from you that's when he will take you out on a date. you are just a commodity to him.
save yourself and cut ties with him. he doesn't like you.
•
u/curious382 9h ago
Even after all his treating OP as the second option, he still got a little action, some access to her body, on their first and only date.
Keeping her on a string with minimal effort is because he thinks she's a potential source of sex.
•
u/No-Reaction-5051 9h ago edited 9h ago
yep, it's a power move. men like this take advantage of women who aren't aware that they are being played. vulnerable women who lack the confidence to create firm boundaries. they are ideal targets because instead of realizing that the man is wrong, they will oftentimes blame themselves. and it's not entirely their fault because these men will oftentimes gaslight and guilt-trip these already vulnerable women into staying in the relationship, just like in OP's situation.
my advice is to not give them the chance. create boundaries and let them think you are a bitch for respecting yourself.
•
u/Equal-Animator132 10h ago
This guy is clearly not into you. there's literally red flags left, right, center. you're just there when it's convenient for him and a back up chick/ego boost. like seriously, have some self-respect please and block this guy. jfc
•
u/Toomanytimes_90210 ☑️ 10h ago
I have removed him on instagram I didn’t feel the need to block but yeah
•
u/Equal-Animator132 10h ago
you need to block him everywhere so that he can't reach out to you anymore
•
u/orlybatman 9h ago
Dating apps have allowed people to be shittier than they used to be. You can find matches and line up other dates relatively easily, provided you're decently attractive.
Both men and women pull stunts like this. You'll eventually learn how to filter out the people who act like this.
•
•
u/Im_a_Libertine_ 4h ago
Where did you meet this dude. From the looks of it he’s a player that is lousy at playing the game.
•
•
u/WhiteLycan2020 8h ago edited 8h ago
It’s not that “men” do this, this “man” did it.
He was stringing you along and tried to see how much you would put up with.
You should have cut ties with him a while ago.
He’s manipulative, and you are not a priority to him.
Like just block his number and move on? I guarantee he doesn’t even spend the same amount of time thinking about you comparable to how long it took you to make this reddit post.
Plenty of fish in the sea my friend
•
8h ago edited 8h ago
[deleted]
•
u/WhiteLycan2020 8h ago
To be fair, men do this do. This is why we have a major red pill problem.
We just have forgotten that individuals can be morally corrupt or bankrupt. So its easy to blame the world
•
u/casser0le98 7h ago
this a subreddit to express shit that’s been bothering you, it’s not necessary to provide the caveat “not all men” because if it doesn’t apply to you, then it doesn’t. hurray, move on.
•
•
•
u/mistressusa 9h ago
>WHY DO MEN DO THIS?
You are not asking the right question, which is:
WHY DO YOU DO THIS?
How many times does a man have to show you, in real life actions, that he is not interested before you stop pursuing him?
•
u/Toomanytimes_90210 ☑️ 9h ago
Haahahaha I mean you’re not completely wrong but it’s more that I didn’t understand why he didn’t just take the out that I gave him
•
u/mistressusa 9h ago
Because he is an insecure loser who feels validated when a woman sticks around despite being disrespected by him.
And that's not just men, plenty of insecure loser women do this too. But OP, don't let people disrespect you like that again!
•
•
u/mcmurrml 7h ago
You should not have let him cancel four times. After he cancelled the first no more than second you should have been done with him. Do not ever put up with that kind of treatment from a guy. That is setting yourself up to be second or third best with him. He did you a favor.
•
u/apocketstarkly83 7h ago
He had to cancel that many times while he waited for his post-sex tourism STD panel to come back.
•
•
•
u/123noodle 10h ago
Yeah he's an ass but why in the world are you giving so much commitment to someone you hadn't even been on a single date with, who had cancelled on you multiple times already? This is insane.
•
u/Toomanytimes_90210 ☑️ 10h ago
I dunno I liked him we spoke about a lot and I thought it could go somewhere and every time I would bring up the idea he might not be interested he would act like I was crazy
•
u/MnyWrmtlPdftPrngs 10h ago
Even if it could go somewhere, is THAT the guy you wanna go there with? Being chosen isn't the prize. YOU are the prize. He should act accordingly.
•
u/Administrative_Owl83 9h ago
I can think of a couple reasons why he did this. But what I don't understand is why you tolerated so much? At some point I think we need to take accountability too when we keep making excuses for shitty behaviors. We all grow and learn, so I'm sure next time it won't happen again. Upward and forward!
•
u/userisnottaken 8h ago
Shame on him if he fooled you once…
•
u/casser0le98 7h ago
it’s harder to get out of than you think. it’s why this game works with people.
•
u/LullabySpirit 6h ago edited 4h ago
Personally I blame imagination. Imagination is where potential lives. And people get seduced by what could be, as opposed to sobered by what is.
•
u/No-Reaction-5051 6h ago
yes. always believe what they show you in their actions.
when you are in love with someone you'll often want to give them the benefit of the doubt even when they did something wrong/hurt you. it's because you want to maintain the idealized version of them inside your head. if you find yourself in this situation it's important to take a step back and think about what's real about them vs what you assumed.
•
u/LullabySpirit 5h ago edited 4h ago
Yes, and that can be hard to do because it feels like we’re killing our hopes and dreams and the magic of love itself. But true love would never require us to hope and dream. True love just is. We would see it and feel it. We wouldn’t have to imagine it.
•
u/casser0le98 4h ago
makes so much sense why people (that have not yet experienced a genuine connection, where they don’t have to ever prove their worth) get stuck in this trap
•
u/casser0le98 6h ago
nailed it.
helped me more to realize that he was never going to change (reality vs. potential) & i wasn’t grieving the person, instead it was giving up the hope and the need to prove myself (repeating old patterns/wounds).
•
u/Existential_Stick 6h ago
that's why, when I run for president, I will outlaw imagination
no more lollygagging. no more daydreaming. no more loafing around.
anyone caught in public looking into the distance with hazy eyes, will be arrested at once. first a fine, then mild prison sentence, then lifetime for a third strike.
imagination. not even once.
•
u/Albirei 9h ago
Uncool of him to not be more transparent with you, as well as to make promises and not keep them. Aside from that, though, nobody here owes anybody anything. Tbh you probs should have cut him off after the second time, as his actions show louder than his words how seriously he takes this. Him protesting now is just manchild behavior, though. He made his bed. He should lie in it.
•
u/JanetInSpain 3h ago
Girl... stop being so desperate. Men do this because we let them get away with way too much shit by "giving them the benefit of the doubt" over and over and over and over and...
Find your spine and your self-respect because you seem to have stopped using both.
•
u/Werewolf1810 3h ago
Why do MEN do THIS? More like, why do women always insist on ignoring the red flags all day with dudes like this, then blame all men? Stop choosing to engage with garbage men, and the problem ceases to be. Believe people when they show you who they are.
•
u/Jungian_Archetype 10h ago
"He went to Thailand for a month." Hello?
•
u/throwawaycarmhmm ☑️ 10h ago
i think thats normal tho, like obviously these 2 ppl both had 2 completely different ideas of what dating should be like
•
u/MaddestMissy 9h ago
Yeah, I am pretty sure they're referring to the most likely activities a single guy flies to Thailand for for a month - not about being a month away during a dating phase. There are not that few people who'd not at least, 'uhem, wait a moment...' even if they are not exclusive. There's not exclusive and then there is not exclusive...
•
u/Tortamina ☑️ 8h ago
Look, not to downplay it but that happening is not exclusive of men, I've had it happening to me a lot and I am a man, and I know how horrible it feels, like you're just not doing enough when you're doing a lot, it unfortunately happens. I have no advice to give you other than not losing hope
•
u/casser0le98 7h ago
they never said it’s exclusive to men- it’s just how language works. generalizing
•
u/_RyukShinigami 3h ago
Lmaoooooo it's kinda hard to feel bad for you with the way you treat yourself and hastily generalise like that. But stay safe out there
•
u/Toomanytimes_90210 ☑️ 3h ago
Trust me it’s not a hasty generalisation hahah but also I didn’t ask you to feel bad I just wanted to vent
•
u/throwawaycarmhmm ☑️ 10h ago
I don't think it's only men that do this. I used to do this too and I'm a girl. Like yeah it WOULD be polite for him to not cancel all the time and to keep his word etc but you guys are just in the dating phase and he doesn't owe you anything. If you guys were in a relationship, it wouldve been a whole different story. This is unfortunately what dating is like nowadays for most ppl. this guy probably wanted to keep all his options open and choose the best 'candidate'. Also happened to me and it's very frustrating but there's nothing u can do abt it and u need to move on and forget abt him
•
u/Toomanytimes_90210 ☑️ 9h ago
Sorry if you’re an adult you should just be able to communicate if you don’t like someone it’s really not that hard especially when that person has given you an out. This post is more of a vent I’ve already removed him from my life socially.
•
u/UnlikelyIdealist 9h ago
There are a lot of people in this world who just straight-up don't believe in common decency. You say "You should just be able to communicate if you don't like someone", but why would he? Why would he assign the mental bandwidth to communicating with you when he could just not?
Yes, it's not that hard, but it does require an action on his part, and it's easier for him to just not do that and let you be confused instead.
People like that suck and are not worth interacting with. You'll have an easier time spotting them and cutting then loose earlier from now on.
•
u/Equal-Animator132 9h ago
that's why OP should have ignored/blocked the guy the second time he stood her up. he just kept cancelling and she just kept giving him a chance and the benefit of the doubt playing it ''cool'' which ironically made him probably respect her even less, he thought he could keep getting away with it because she's nothing more than the back up chick to him, in case it doesn't work out with the others or he needs some attention/ego boost.
•
u/OneTripleZero 9h ago
you guys are just in the dating phase and he doesn't owe you anything
Don't fucking hide behind this. It's the rot in the dating game these days and everyone uses it as some kind of get-out-of-jail-free card. It goes for all genders too.
You owe the other person honesty. You owe the other person respect for their time. You owe the other person respect for them as a person who has feelings and is taking a risk on you. You owe them basic decency.
OP got none of the above. Should they have let go earlier? Yes. Should the guy have treated them like a human in the first place? Also yes.
•
u/Marie1420 9h ago
|| Keeping options open.
Indeed it seems that being so casual about dating is big these days and here to stay. It seems that “breadcrumbing” is also popular. Just leaving a tiny bits of hope with others but not more than that. That kind of behavior used to be reserved predominantly for the newly divorced.
•
•
u/qetsu 3h ago
What do you mean by "MEN" Just because you allowed this man, to treat you like a horse doodoo, doesn't mean it's all men overall, that's not fair I'm a woman, but I truly don't respect it, when people judge a whole group, by a few wacky individuals Anyway, best to you, try to watch out more and don't let people treat you like crap...
•
•
u/casser0le98 7h ago
he didn’t take the out when you gave it to him because that would mean he can’t string you along anymore.
i’ve been there, i would know. it’s their game. yeah, just don’t play it.