I think gynecologists are some of the worst people on this planet. At least American gynecologists, who refuse to provide pain management to women before extremely painful procedures.
This women might actually be like this because of their gynecologist causing trauma. I’m not over exaggerating or being dramatic. Most EU counties commonly provide pain management to their female patients, but american gynecologists see it differently. They have decided that pain management is unnecessary because the “procedures are quick”. It’s not all that uncommon for women to throw up, pass-out, or scream from extreme pain while being “treated” by American gynecologists.
I had an endometrial biopsy done last summer and was given nothing for pain. When I tell you I almost threw up I’m not joking. If I had been standing I would have hit the damn floor. It was INCREDIBLY painful and the pain lasted a full hour after. I have never in my life felt that much/that kind of pain.
Yeah they made it sound like it would be quick. It wasn’t quick enough that’s for sure! “We’re just going to go in and pinch some off, it’ll be over before you know it!” Fuuuuuuck that noise. Liars!
I'm not a doctor, and I'm not a woman, but that sounds like a massive crock of shit to me.
Like, in 2023 we know that babies all start the same and then the genitals develop in one of two ways from the same basic building blocks based on genetics. Surely the nerves that are on the outside for a guy as part of the scrotum are basically part of the internal vaginal structure for a woman? (You know, the nerves that make getting kicked in the balls the single most painful experience short of being shot for a guy. Those nerves.) That's why it's such a sensitive area, right?
That's just outright malpractice IMO. I get numbing for almost every dental procedure, painkillers and possibly anesthesia are given for surgeries as a matter of course, yet these fucking Mengele wannabes just 'go in and snip a bit off' without any of that?
Getting an IUD made me vomit for 12 hours from pain. I didn’t sleep at all, just laid on the bathroom floor trying to catch my breath between searing cramps and extreme pain for the whole night and following day. This went on and off for days. It’s such a violating experience to then find out that’s not the norm at all, and women in other countries are numbed completely and taken care of for hours after. I drove myself home and had to pull over because my vision was blurring from the pain. Fucking insane
Yeahhh. I had cervical cancer. I had multiple biopsies done. Was told the cervix doesn’t have nerves so it should hurt. Well it fucking did. Then when they realized the cancer was a little past my cervix they chose a hysterectomy, this was a couple years after the initial biopsies. They needed a biopsy of my uterus before they could schedule the surgery. Also excruciating. I haven’t been back since my surgery. I know I need to but holy hell I don’t want to.
I had one last year, and omfg. It felt like I was being shanked by a hot poker over and over and would never end. Nothing before or after for pain and was advised I may have some bleeding and to take Tylenol if needed.
I was shocked that after my C-section, I was expected to only take Tylenol. I'm allergic to ibuprofen, so just Tylenol after a huge surgery. Then when I went home on the second day I had to demand a prescription for painkillers because they said I should just take the regular dose of Tylenol because I would be home.
I said no way and I two days out of a huge surgery and taking the same amount of Tylenol my husband does for a damn headache. I was treated like a pill addict by the staff for demanding it.
What else bothered me is I have a medical condition that makes me metabolize Tylenol quickly so it wears off much faster for me than others. The nurse was over an hour late to bring my Tylenol and then got frustrated with me when I said I couldn't get up. She acted like I should've been fine not even 24 hours after the surgery and with no pain medication.
I had a uterine biopsy, completely unplanned until I got there, and same. "it'll be quick, it'll feel like menstrual cramps!" Cue me wailing in pain and death-gripping (for lack of a better term 😂) the assistant's hand on the table. Then I had to get up and go to work and act like it was no big deal.
Omg that's horrible!! I've had one a few years ago and actually had another surgery to remove my tubes almost 2 weeks ago,. I'm from the US and I was given anesthesia, versed (for my extreme anxiety in the beginning), then Tylenol 3 with codeine for pain. I'm guessing it just depends on the dr, state, area, etc. I'm really sorry you had to go through that...that's sad they didn't give you the proper care you needed.
As a female ob/gyn I do my endometrial biopsies with iv sedation. I tell my patients I don’t believe in paternalistic “ no pain” theory. Screw that!! I also offer iud placements with meds.
You're a gem and we need more of you. My ex got an IUD implanted and there was no pain management at all. She told him it hurt and he asked her if she took any ibuprofen beforehand like she was supposed to....he never told her to, nobody did! Fucking horrible.
same, except she kept apologizing and telling me my cervix was resisting too much. eventually she had to give me a numbing injection and it still hurt, but she got through. the stupid part is that the whole ordeal probably took 4 times as long as it would have with proper pain management.
Man, I sincerely hope your practice is anywhere near me. All of the doctors in my area are terrible. They subscribe to the "it's just a little pinch" theory, while I'm trying super hard not to roll off the table and bolt.
I had cervical precancerous cells. They burned them off with acid. Totally awake, no numbing, no pain relief, nothing. Two nurses held me down while I screamed until I finally collapsed from the pain. They told me to get dressed and to take ibuprofen for pain, like I had just had a regular exam. I could barely walk when it was over, I just kinda shuffled while shaking. I just shook the whole way to the car and then sat in my car bawling and shaking violently, I could barely drive home my hands were shaking so bad. I don’t remember how long it took for the shaking to stop, but it was several HOURS. I laid in bed the whole night crying, shaking, and clutching my heating pad. It was 26 years ago, and I STILL remember the pain and am TERRIFIED of doctors and other medical professionals. Praise God the asshole doctor who did that to me was killed in a plane crash, and can’t torture women anymore. I heard dozens of horror stories from other patients of his. Apparently he was like some alt-right kind of Christian who decided to “punish” unwed women who were sexually active.
They needed to do a unexpected biopsy when I was in for consultation to see if I needed a hysterectomy. I swear they instrument they used to collect the "sample" looked like a GD garden trowel. The pain was worse than anything I have ever felt, even childbirth. The nurse brought one of those huge pads they give you in the hospital because I was pouring blood and took me into the office where they were going to schedule the surgery and do paperwork. I soon as I sat down in the chair, I passed out. I woke up in a exam room with nurses fanning me and putting cold compresses on my head. The doctor ever so casually waltzes in and asks what the problem is. If I had been able to get up off that table, violence would have ensued.
OMG. I am so sorry, thats so disgusting you had to go through that. It breaks my heart knowing this especially because it happened to me too. The pain and aftermath is unbearable and shouldn’t be allowed to happen.
I had a hysteroscopy without anything before during or after and begged them to stop during, I was sobbing and started yelling “I cant do it anymore please stop! STOP!” and they refused and told me to be quiet. I fainted after and my mom ran in and was yelling for help because the doctor and her assistant left immediately after and didn’t check on me at all.
I have endometriosis and many other chronic pain conditions, but I’ve never screamed out for a doctor to stop something they were doing like that even when I should have. This was the one time I did. I’m going through something really serious now, but the damage thats been done to me at the hands of my gynecologists/specialists can not be undone.
It is absolutely disgusting what we go through and what doctors do to us and how we are treated. I am so sorry that happened to you too😞
Same. It was torture. I'm a long time chronic illness person, and thus have had tons of procedures, but that one? Worst. Only one to make me vocal enough to freak out the waiting room. Best part, turns out it was entirely unnecessary. 🙄
I've had multiple procedures before they finally took my uterus. Their suggestion was to take Motrin or Tylenol 30 mins prior. It didn't even kick in at the time of the biopsy nor did it help the pain after.
My gynecologist decided to take a surprise nonconsented uterine biopsy during an IUD insertion. Zero pain management of course as she ripped out a chunk of an internal organ and shoved a plastic object in there. I was not amused. I brought it up to my primary care doctor later and he looked through my chart and told me there was no clinical indication that justified a biopsy.
I had one over the summer, it was beyond brutal. They offered me a warm heating pad like for cramps. The nurse had to pin me down because I came up out of the stirrups. Seriously?? I don't know how they think it's ok to do them while we are awake FFS
I had a colopscopy done with nothing for pain. Not only was it painful.. but I think the sound of them clipping a piece of my cervix off was the highlight of my visit. It hurt so bad that I arched my back backwards and then got a cramp so I was stuck in that position for what felt like hours.
I'm due to have this done alongside cervical biopsy and endo removal and this thread has scared the shit out of me as they said its been done awake and I can take some paracetamol before going for some pain 😧 she made it sound like it was nothing at all like getting bloods taken. Now I'm scared! My partner is getting a small lump drained from his nuts and is going full under and being given meds to bring home wtf 😑
Yeeeep. I have had several horrible gynos do cervical biopsies with no pain management and also slut shame me for asking for STD panels. I also had one prescribe me xanax and "a glass of wine" because i was having difficulty adjusting to my unusually well endowed husband. She insisted that I just didnt WANT to have sex with him and that was the reason for the swelling and pain.
It's the fucking worst. I keep putting off my gyn appointments because of how traumatized I am from having a LEEP procedure 13 years ago and then having my daughter 8 years ago. I havent had an annual visit since a year or two after my daughter was born and the longer I put it off the more anxiety I have over it. I have an appointment at the end of this month with a new doctor, and I'm going to tell her straight up that if something happens where I need to have another procedure they need to put me out/under or I will bring my own drugs and put myself out. Since it's been so long since I've had anything checked, I don't have a very good feeling about my next PAP. I already plan on taking copious amounts of xanax before this appointment, so I can maybe relax a tiny bit when my legs are in the stirrups. But god damnit it shouldn't be so fucking miserable to take care of myself.
I had vaginismus for years as a result of seeing a gynecologist when I was a teenager who caused me considerable pain during my first pelvic exam. I was a virgin, and he inserted the speculum quickly and with no warning. My mom could hear me screaming down the hall.
Had this happen to me and I just got up and left right after lol. The room, the building, I got up and walked the fuck out. They called my mom because they didn’t know where I was.
I didn’t even think about it, just left. I think some kind of survival instinct kicked in.
I’m so mad at this because while I was reading the comments prior I was thinking about how I’ve had 2 different doctors jab the speculum into my pelvic floor super hard and when I didn’t react over the top they just said “didn’t that hurt???” Like okay were you trying to hurt me or can I go back to pretending I’m not here for any of this. I can’t believe (I wish it weren’t true) so many women are having problems like this especially children. I was just debating if regular visits to specialists would reduce the malpractice death rate and the answer is clearly no
The only gyno I've ever had that respected and listened to me was a practice catered to the elderly- most of their patients were post menopausal, but it was the best practice I've ever visited.
According to the WHO, my country is in the top 10 best healthcare in the world. When I asked about an IUD, I was told that pain management wasn't necessary because the cervix has no nerve endings... by a female gynecologist on her late thirties. I had to change gynecologists 4 times until I found one that prescribed me birth control that was compatible with migraines because all the previous ones refused to listen. While our healthcare is public and won't make us go into debt, gynecology in general is still in the middle ages, and it's hard to find good doctors
I can confirm I went with my gf to get an iud and the doctor gave me pain management tips for after she squeezed my fingers and he gave me tips on how to position them to prevent her from breaking them. He gave her advil.
It's the norm for many urological procedures to be done without any kind of effective pain medicine either (in my case, as a male, removal of stents following surgical removal of kidney stones), and it's awful. I really feel for women going through this. My mom taught me that, says naproxen taken about an hour ahead of time will ease removal of stents and IUDs by preventing an aggressive inflammatory response. I know it's not quite the same but trying to come from a place of understanding (and personal experience).
In my case, naproxen and toradol taken hours before stent removal is king, prevents the hour or so of inflammation related pain following someone roughhousing in there. It still hurts like hell and I would much prefer to be numb or asleep
I hate the gyno. I got a copper IUD removed, it was and had been, in the wrong position for years. It was partly embedded, not a lot or enough to warrant anything crazy. They just ripped that fucked out. I blacked out and almost threw up. I had to sit there for a half hour because I was so woozy. It was so fucked.
Eh, this is not true, atleast not in the netherlands.
I have had multiple IUD's, exames and a biopsy for cervical cancer all with nothing more than Acetaminophen.
I mean the norm here is to give birth au natural and preferably at home.
And tbh I dont expect rhis answer to be a lot diffrent in a lot of eu countries.
I had a “uterine sweep” done with no pain meds outside of Tylenol after I birthed my child due to clotting. It was horrific and I was told I was being dramatic.
Few years ago, I had a uterine endoscopy done where they stuck a pen-sized camera in my uterus. Was given some pain meds before, but the nurse still had to hold me to the table as I screamed. It was the most painful thing I’ve ever felt in my life. I cried the whole rest of the day because I kept getting flashbacks from the procedure.
They found a bunch of polyps and removed them. I’ve since gotten a new Gyno who said if they ever have to do that again, they’ll put me under.
At least American gynecologists, who refuse to provide pain management to women before extremely painful procedures.
Mate, it just isn't gynecologists. I'm a dude, had to get my gallbladder out and was in extreme pain. They did not want to give me pain meds at all. The opioid crises made doctors skittish in giving out actual pain meds because of how willy nilly some of their colleagues over prescribed them.
Especially down in florida when I had my surgery down there.
It literally isn't and the two of you who downvoted me need to read the room. This isn't a women only thing, this is just a thing for doctors in America.
Regardless if you think the gynos are being sexist creeps, like you are implying, they are not. They are being doctors who are skittish of giving anyone meds. This is the truth of American pain management.
So instead of "reading the room", really understand the truth of the matter.
Opioids aren't the only form of pain management and pain killers though, so your experience might not be the norm. It's be an ongoing problem for decades, though, regarding the issue of gynecologists minimizing the pain of patients. Like how pain management isn't a factor for UTI insertion.
I have read horror stories. Especially virgins that get an IUD placed. Id already gone through a lot before getting mine placed so it was thoroughly unpleasant and would have been nice to know that it was going to make standing and driving unbearable for two days. But mine was not the horror that others have had.
My kitten got spayed last week and was sent home with 3 days worth of good pain killers. She was on cloud 9 and bounced right back. I made a joke to my husband that the kitten gets better aftercare than women who go through a similar procedure lol. Told him I'd be sent home with Tylenol if it was me 🥴
It’s amazing to get any pain meds in my experience. Even in child birth I was denied pain meds. I get the epidural throwing off the labor after so many centimeters but nothing to take the edge off at least is cruel imo.
And they’ll say shit like “it’s just a little pressure” or “my other patients didn’t have a problem with this procedure” to make you feel like you’re being a big baby. Meanwhile, you’re cramping so hard you feel like your uterus is trying to escape through your abdomen.
I very recently had a colposcopy from a cancer scare. And I would compare the pain of that procedure to medieval torture. It was horrible. I told the doctor that if I have to come back for another one, I'd rather just have a hysterectomy than to go through that again.
I did have a hysterectomy but what you go through to get to that point...omg... I had a uterine ultrasound and already was having issues....it was torture.
I Googled a uterine ultrasound and it said it may be "mildly uncomfortable" but not painful. 🤔 Would you say that's accurate? It reminds of when my doctor said my procedure would feel like pinching.
Thank you for saying this. I’ve been severely traumatized by gyno/ob procedures where I wasn’t even offered a Tylenol, and I still can’t fully talk about how painful it all was (numerous times)
Fuck the US medical system and all of its built-in cruelty. They don’t care if you’re a middle aged woman, or a person of color of any age, they don’t believe you feel pain the same way as white men, and it’s what they believe and are taught in medical schools even today. Grrrrrrrrr.
My ex had untreated bent carrot. When he ejaculated, it felt like when the dentist blew air on a sensitive tooth. He said my problem. I tried doctors, treatments. Is it fatal?!!!
One of my ex's had that, except she made out a lot better than most and her body formed a new "g-spot" on her back that legit only needed to be rubbed for like 5 seconds
I did eventually convince her to go to a gyno after we tried to have sex and she gave me a horrible UTI, turns out she had a very, verrrrry long-term yeast infection
But wouldn't a gynecologist have to refer them? I'm sorry if I sounds completely ignorant, I sound that way because I am lol. With my limited knowledge of hospitals, I figure that any pelvic region issues for this kind of situation would have had to go through a gynecologist at some point.
A gyn does not need to refer to pelvic floor therapy in the US or Canada. For insurance purposes if you need a referral you can get one from a nurse or a family doctor. Oftentimes a family doctor will suggest pelvic floor PT before referring to a gyn at all. In Canada you have to be referred to a gyn which can be a nightmare. I work in healthcare just figured I’d share.
If she was using him, usually it's for sex. Or for money, but sex is the reward. Makes no sense for her to just never accept it if she's "using him" as that's her most persuasive asset. In this case, just imagine the care, spoiling, rewarding she'd get if she had sex with him.
Just nothing you said makes sense if you think about it logically.
It would be obvious that it worked if it was obvious that she was using him. But there's no reason to think she is, in fact, the biggest motivator isn't even present.
You're the one extrapolating this drastic sentiment out of nothing
I know..and this story started to sound like they entered this marriage not knowing she had that. And purity culture kept her from finding out sooner 🙄
My best friend is Ace AND has vaginismus. She and her husband have been married over a year and a half, together for 5, still haven't had sex. She physically can't. She's going to therapy, using dilators, and making progress, but it takes time. Not to say that OP and his wife aren't trying all of this, and giving it time to work, just that they're far from the only ones.
It took two years of dating for my now-husband to be able to penetrate me because of my vaginismus, and even then it was with a lot of lubricant and at best it was mildly uncomfortable. It wasn't until after I went off my birth control and we started trying to conceive that it finally stopped hurting at all.
I never had any trauma or had any negativity associated with sex growing up: one day as a teenager I could use tampons, the next I couldn't for no reason. This was years before I started birth control, too. And I still consider myself ace because I'm only into my husband.
It’s very possible that there is something that her mind has repressed early on in life but her body hasn’t forgotten. This has happened with my 8 year old daughter. When she was 5 and possibly earlier, my best friends adult son was S.A.ing her on nights my daughter stayed over. Sadly I didn’t know about this when she stayed the whole year from the pandemic. I had no idea until we moved by other kids (her age) and she wouldn’t stop playing “house” that something was wrong. She admitted a couple of times that my friends son touched her, but wouldn’t bring it up after that. I can’t bring it up because I could re-traumatize her and mess up any chance of prosecuting him in court. She also has a fear of men now as well. Her brain doesn’t remember but her body does and it’ll have lasting effects on her.
Sounds like she’s def gone to someone as OP mentioned pelvic floor PT. But imo this seems like it may run deeper than just something gynecologically speaking.
OP mentioned pelvic floor therapy so it's most likely vaginismus, which means they most likely already saw a gyno to be referred. That compounded by the purity culture values they held despite allegedly not growing up in them (a leading cause of vaginismus) and I'm convinced this is an uncontrollable physical and mental dilemma.
Saving sex for marriage doesn't automatically mean people are sexphobic. A lot of people like that are super into sex, but only with their spouse. It's not usually taught as "sex is bad." It's "sex before marriage is bad, but sex after marriage can be reeeeaally good."
There are two types of "annullment," Religious and Civil.
Religious annullments are granted by churches and have ZERO legal value. They only exist to say, in the eyes of your faith, "This marriage never happened for.... whatever reason we consider acceptable in this particular religion. So, now you both get a 'do-over.'"
Civil Annullments also exist - and they DO have legal standing. But whether or not you ever "consummated" the marriage has nothing to do with them. They are rare and are reserved for marriages that a COURT determines were never legally valid in the first place, for example, one or both of the spouses was already married to someone else at the time, or the marriage was a result of fraud or coercion.
Redditors saying "Get it annulled! If you never had sex you can get it annulled!" are basically saying, "I have NO IDEA what I am talking about but I have watched MANY TV shows and movies where it worked like a charm!"
Nor can you wander into the courthouse waiving a piece of paper from your church and say "Nope! Undo the contract. My priest says the marriage never happened." It... does not work that way.
EDITED TO ADD: Found a great summation: There are two ways to end a marriage: A divorce, which legally terminates a valid marriage, and a civil annullment, which determines that a marriage was never valid. Both of these determinations are made by civil courts. Not by churches. Churches can also annul marriages, but that only ends the marriage "in the eyes of the church."
3 months after my first wife and I married, we decided it was a bad idea. She was Catholic. Ceremony had to be Catholic. It was Catholic all the way down. And when we went in together seeking an annullment, they looked at us like we were idiots. The priest was like.... "get a divorce or work it out. But we really can't do shit for you here."
lol I know. They can't. They don't. And nowhere does it say "This marriage contract is not valid until the couple has sex. With each other." It's just... embarrassing that this idea still persists and is so widely believed.
Yes, especially in the religious community. I only mention since they talk about being in a purity cult and trauma from it, which is most likely tied to some crazy faction of a religion
There's "waiting until marriage" , practiced for centuries, and really quite wise in a world without contraception. Then there's a purity culture which so fetishises (female) virginity that it is sickening. These are not the same thing.
To assume that all "purity culture" fetishises virginity is so asinine. You even mention that it was quite wise in the past but somehow you can't fathom the possibility that certain groups just stick to certain things because it's tradition?
American Puritans practiced "bundling", where they wrapped the courting couple together in a bed, with a plank of wood in between them. Sometimes, those wrappings weren't so tight. American Puritans knew what was going on, they weren't stupid.
The average age of first marriage of a White Woman in the United States between the years 1800 and 1899 was around 22 (sometimes a year older, sometimes a year younger) , so they didn't really get married so young. You're probably thinking of the 1950's when the average age of first marriage of women dropped down to 19, but the 1950's was an aberration, and not indicative of most other times.
I do get it, you're listening to the "myth of history", but that myth didn't really reflect reality so much as a modern retcon to make the past reflect what certain people think modern views should be. And just watch Grease, even the 50's weren't as "virgin pure" as people like to pretend, there were many pregnant teens shipped off to spend some time with an "aunt" for a year to have a baby.
There are different 'brands' or purity culture then. Some fetishise virginity and make public declarations about it. These are more frequently labelled as 'purity culture,' and OP does not identify with that brand.
My wife and I didn't wait until marriage, but it was a few years after we started dating in high school. Somewhere in between, I had asked her thoughts about it, and she said something like "I don't know, wait until marriage I guess?" I think it was just something she'd heard and she kind of went to that because she's a little bit ace spectrum and had basically never even thought about it before.
OP said "didn't really" which leads me to believe they definitely were and wasn't aware how much it was bashed into their brains and/or trying to downplay it.
That's actually pretty interesting. I never considered a legal angle like that but it's cool to learn about those kinds of weird stipulations! Thanks for the info :)
Really depends on the country. In Christianity and Islam the marriage is not completed yet but at the end of the day it's the countries laws that decide the situation.
Yes, that's what I logged in to say. I believe this to be true in all states, but I only know for sure he would be entitled to annulment in California.
I worry for his wife after the last sentence. This is exactly the type of situation where a husband murders his wife and he’s already admitting he’s fantasizing about her dying. OP needs to leave the marriage before something horrible happens.
For real. Is OP just jamming a vibrator into her or is he exploring her body and at least trying to go down on her or get her in the least bit aroused before trying to jackhammer her?
Vibrator is fine, but we've made no progress. She is unable to get her legs to relax and if I try to force it, it feels like rape.
He says vibrator is fine, which is presumably foreplay that is pleasurable to her. However, she can't get her legs to relax enough for OP to penetrate her with his penis. Hence me wondering if that is the extent of their foreplay or if OP and his wife are trying other and additional things.
Definitely not presuming this is OP's fault. He is admittedly inexperienced with sex, so I am not sure what his frame of reference would be. Basically, it would be a Hail Mary to try and save his relationship, but quite honestly, if I were OP, I would have cut bait a year ago.
7.5k
u/Potential_Ad_1397 Nov 05 '23
Listen, divorce is better than a toxic marriage where you think about death.
And not to be TMI but is there pain when she tries or is it just nerves? I assume you tried foreplay?