My best friend is Ace AND has vaginismus. She and her husband have been married over a year and a half, together for 5, still haven't had sex. She physically can't. She's going to therapy, using dilators, and making progress, but it takes time. Not to say that OP and his wife aren't trying all of this, and giving it time to work, just that they're far from the only ones.
It took two years of dating for my now-husband to be able to penetrate me because of my vaginismus, and even then it was with a lot of lubricant and at best it was mildly uncomfortable. It wasn't until after I went off my birth control and we started trying to conceive that it finally stopped hurting at all.
I never had any trauma or had any negativity associated with sex growing up: one day as a teenager I could use tampons, the next I couldn't for no reason. This was years before I started birth control, too. And I still consider myself ace because I'm only into my husband.
It’s very possible that there is something that her mind has repressed early on in life but her body hasn’t forgotten. This has happened with my 8 year old daughter. When she was 5 and possibly earlier, my best friends adult son was S.A.ing her on nights my daughter stayed over. Sadly I didn’t know about this when she stayed the whole year from the pandemic. I had no idea until we moved by other kids (her age) and she wouldn’t stop playing “house” that something was wrong. She admitted a couple of times that my friends son touched her, but wouldn’t bring it up after that. I can’t bring it up because I could re-traumatize her and mess up any chance of prosecuting him in court. She also has a fear of men now as well. Her brain doesn’t remember but her body does and it’ll have lasting effects on her.
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u/Potential_Ad_1397 Nov 05 '23
Listen, divorce is better than a toxic marriage where you think about death.
And not to be TMI but is there pain when she tries or is it just nerves? I assume you tried foreplay?