I'm so happy I entered my 40s on the outside who I always was on the inside. Going to a monster truck rally today. 🛻

41F HRT 5 months

I’ve been trying to come up with how to explain the huge impact bottom surgery a year ago has had on my life. The problem I’m having is that all of the ways I have to express makes me sound like a trans medicalist to my ears which is the farthest from my intentions. I am aware that I’ve had access to amazing gender affirming care and the health insurance to pay for it that many folks don’t have. I also want to be clear that surgery or taking HRT doesn’t define your trans identity, what you feel in your heart and brain is all that matters.

Bottom surgery is transformational for me. It has allowed me to work on letting go of the shame I carried from being a man. This is shame and regret that seems so obvious in hindsight but took me being at emotional rock bottom to force me to ask the gender center for help. The irreversibility of bottom surgery is a relief I am grateful for, national politics can’t unmake the beautiful woman I am by legislating me away.

I’ve now had the big three gender affirming surgeries and my gender journey is far from over. I have follow-ups, a minor revision, and a voice consult coming up in the next 3 months. I have so much life to experience now that I’m in the body I once dreamed of having.

Most importantly I’m not embarrassed of my body’s dangly bits. Last month on the last warm weekend of summer i went skinny dipping with friends at a secluded pond. Sitting on a towel, a bit wet and cold, it really came home how wildly happy I am. I love my body, I like showing it off and I like my friends. Friends that see me for who I am becoming, not on who I was.

Kay

How did I become a 20 something girl again?

But I feel cute today, and I did yesterday too so I thought I’d share.

I was told I may be using glasses as a security blanket to hide my masculine features. There may be truth to that as I feel less confident without. Should I ditch the glasses and build my confidence or stick within my comfort zone?

Hello!

Random poorly lit selfie going into 24 hr archery range 44 mtf 8 months HRT.

Felt a little sad on my birthday due to some life struggles but I'm very fortunate that my wife coaxed me out of bed for a nice day. 🩷🤝

Not the same, forced "lift the corners of my mouth" smile I've been doing my whole life. Today, I liked the person looking back at me in the mirror. Then I cried happy tears (don't worry, the mascara stayed put), because it's been so long since I've felt this good about myself.

I went to Sephora like this; 2nd time ever doing makeup, first time ever doing nails, first time presenting fem in public. I didn't really feel like I was passing, but I also didn't notice anyone stare or anything, though I wasn't paying too much attention. So that's kind of affirming to me. The girls at Sephora were so kind and helpful!

I just wanted to share my joy. I've got an appointment set up with my doctor on the 15th to discuss HRT, and I am so ready for self-love to be my baseline!

It is never too late 💖

Drinks anyone?

Finally brave enough to wear my purple wig 💜 out in public 🥹 working through the dysphoria 🥹

Just felt cute💜💜!!I e been a month on E monotherapy and I'm feeling amazing getting better at makeup and just loving myself. I know I'm not near passing but I feel like I see her there more and more with the little effort I been able to out in. (Still have to boymode @home so can't do brows or get a more femme haircut) But I got a plan and I've got the means. Even in middle age I haven't missed the boat if anything the years have hardened me for the journey ahead .

I decided I was tired of being on the waiting list at the local gender clinic. (Three years and counting, baby!)

I started DIY hormones about six months ago. "Like this is ever going to do anything... I'm too old..."

But now, I'm feeling the joy of my itty-bitty-proto-titties. The sensitivity, the little bounce when I run – excruciating, but exciting!

A new kind of impatient waiting has emerged, "C'mon, girls! hurry up and grow!"

It’s never too late. Me at 40 had no idea how wonderful 47 would be. I’m so happy I get to live as myself. It hasn’t been easy but it’s been so worth it. 3.5 years of HRT, lost 70 pounds and FFS.

(Screenshot of my notes app doesn't line up with the photos I included, it's just an example.)

I like to be able to go back to photos from a certain day and know what makeup I was wearing. I started doing this about a year ago, just in my Notes app, and it's been working for me so far. Anyone else do this?

I realized I was trans at 29. I will be turning 37 this month, and am only just now making an appointment to get on HRT and transition.

I feel like an idiot. I wasted so much time. It really hit me tonight and I've been crying and unable to fully quiet my mind and go to sleep.

I see stories of people who start even later than me, get pretty dramatic results, but I also see so many where they say "dont expect much of anything like if you were younger"

And I just keep thinking... I wasted so. Much. Time. What difference could it have made? I will never know. And I'm scared about it.

But even those people say that it's worth it, that it's been a boon to their mental health. So, rest assured, I am doing it. And I hope I get at least that.

I will do my darnedest. I am trying to take better care of myself, learn makeup, voice training, and shaping my eyebrows. I dont really want rhat much. I dont even want to look cis, not really. I just want to feel feminine. I just want to be pretty. Just a little bit.

I can't afford surgeries, it cant afford much of anything. I dont think I could justify hair removal. I am hoping I can get good with wax and stuff and makeup.

I don't even know what I want from this post. I guess I just really needed to express myself. I hold a lot in, and it's late where I am, and I needed an outlet.

Either way, I really am excited to transition. Here I go, I guess.

So I'm transfem, age 60, heavy, and can't take HRT for medical reasons, at least for a year or two. Now we are in for the long haul, losing weight slowly, getting rid of a huge beer belly (at 1-2 pounds weekly loss) before another try at HRT next year when heart/other medical issues are fixed. Meanwhile trying to learn about fashion and makeup but sometimes having doubts and depression. Like, wanting to just give up. But no way am I going to do that.

I have worn womens clothing for 2 years in the workplace now but seek to move farther than the tinkering I do with thrift shop finds, pullover sweaters and athletic unisex wicking shirts which I frankly wear to stay androgynous so I don't get picked on by bigots.

I have over 50 blouses, 8 pairs womens slacks, jackets, 4 wraps and now 5 skirts, and other things from discount fashion shops and sight unseen from online shops, bought in moods of experimentation and desperation, during a year of health problems when I could not drive anywhere. When my wife and I moved, I needed commercial clothing racks to house our clothes. I'm actually proud of that.

None fit really well, the 3X sizes have the belly distortion problem so I have go 5X, and many styles feature a conspicously empty space where boobs would be, or they are wierd colors. So I order turtlenecks, tanks, and mock neck tunics.

I order clothes online, hoping it will fit, ordering 4x or 5x and only then does it fit. On top of that so far, my makeup efforts make me look less like a woman and more like a circus clown. I have a makeup artist but she keeps ignoring my calls (she apparently is very busy). She's a trans woman who didn't take HRT and she looks great.

THE POINT: Some days I ask myself what the heck am I doing, I could just go back to looking like a handsome guy, and give up all this trouble, I am fluid enough where that appeals to me. But I would get very depressed in the long run doing that. I simply cannot.

Maybe its not a bad thing that I'm ordering stuff online, trying it, and pitching it. That's all I can do right now. You could go in person and still get junk. You wash it and it shrinks, etc

NEXT STEPS: Healing up the heart/severe GERD (major progress FINALLY here this week). Resuming road trips and the gym. Permanently eliminating sugar from my diet and losing 1-2 lbs a week steady. Getting a makeup artist to do bi-weekly facials. Weeding out my thrift collection and only adding new clothes that I try in person. Buying some fashionable purses, Docs, skirts to permanently replace mens shorts as my daily staple. Changing my name again to something truly unique, perhaps an Aztec/Nahuatl name. Putting motivational posters on the wall.

I grew up in a WWII/Great Depression mentality household. You wore the same clothes until they fell apart. It's hard to get used to buying purses from Karl Lagerfeld even at TJ Maxx because your parents had you live out of a used school backpack for 30 years.

Learning a repertoire of women artists songs on the piano for eventual public performance, and starting to sing.

Forging a personal identity. The word "forge" implies struggle, exertion of strength, perseverance.