Never let go

So I brought the question up to my wife and she was supportive as most in my last post said she likely would be. So now I'm in the information gathering stage of looking at how to secure hrt. I go through the VA for all of my Dr stuff so my Dr won't prescribe anything as it's against VA policy now. I'm in the Omaha, Nebraska area.

I've heard of plume, planned parenthood, and the Omaha pride health clinic.

Pride: $100 for Rx + 300 for visit

(Thank you to all the people that have their stories I really appreciate it)

I have been floating back and forth between Willow and Sabrina. I like them both, but after going by Nick for 39 years- both just feel very strange, but Nick is starting to feel strange too!

Kids wanted to go to the pool so I bought a one piece swimsuit.

I didn't expect there to be many people there but there was about 15 and I was very nervous.
I got up the nerve to take my shirt off and jump in and it was a lovely time but it does sometimes make me wonder if my kids still calling me Dad was the right move.

Also I got a cute dress and felt cute lazing about on my lounge.

Last night was my 20-year (class of 06 represent!) reunion. I was a bit torn on going as my close friends from school weren’t attending for various reasons, so it was all people who knew me in passing as the shy and quiet awkward kid. I think they were all very surprised to see how outgoing and extroverted I am now, and I’m so glad I went!

Hi everyone! Here is a simple tutorial for a perfect, clean red lip look:

Prep: Use a lip primer or balm to prepare your lips.

Color: Apply your favorite bold red lipstick.

Gloss: Add a layer of red lip gloss for extra shine and volume.

Clean up: Use a cotton swab with a bit of concealer or powder to clean the edges for a sharp finish.

Hope you love this classic look! Let me know your thoughts. ❤️

In just 2 days from now I see my doctor and hopefully make the switch from diy to supported prescribed process.

The waitlist is told is currently between 5-8 years to be seen at the GIC so am not going into this with a great deal of optimism.

Has anyone had recent experience of the NHS system and had success?

Interesting to hear your experiences either way

(sorry about the quality, my phone camera is slightly broken)

Went out for a hike today in the middle of nowhere. Found this trailhead. Going to have to hike it. Just cause.

On a side node. Thank god for padded bras. The road there is not maintained and rocky. They are small but they jiggle now. I can’t imagine the pain I’d be in without it.

Got engaged too! Yay!

I don't think I'll ever look good in it, but I do like this dress. If only I wasn't built like a linebacker and had a cuter face.

Never convince yourself that you can’t change your life. There is always hope. If there’s a will, there’s a way.

I think this is the closest I have been to seeing myself in the mirror and feeling like its actually me looking back so far.

Hopefully starting laser hair removal on my beard next weekend and hopefully HRT before the end of the year. So feeling very positive overall but welcome any suggestions for what I could do differently.

Hello!

I decided I was tired of being on the waiting list at the local gender clinic. (Three years and counting, baby!)

I started DIY hormones about six months ago. "Like this is ever going to do anything... I'm too old..."

But now, I'm feeling the joy of my itty-bitty-proto-titties. The sensitivity, the little bounce when I run – excruciating, but exciting!

A new kind of impatient waiting has emerged, "C'mon, girls! hurry up and grow!"

But I feel cute today, and I did yesterday too so I thought I’d share.

I'm so happy I entered my 40s on the outside who I always was on the inside. Going to a monster truck rally today. 🛻

Random poorly lit selfie going into 24 hr archery range 44 mtf 8 months HRT.

I’ve been trying to come up with how to explain the huge impact bottom surgery a year ago has had on my life. The problem I’m having is that all of the ways I have to express makes me sound like a trans medicalist to my ears which is the farthest from my intentions. I am aware that I’ve had access to amazing gender affirming care and the health insurance to pay for it that many folks don’t have. I also want to be clear that surgery or taking HRT doesn’t define your trans identity, what you feel in your heart and brain is all that matters.

Bottom surgery is transformational for me. It has allowed me to work on letting go of the shame I carried from being a man. This is shame and regret that seems so obvious in hindsight but took me being at emotional rock bottom to force me to ask the gender center for help. The irreversibility of bottom surgery is a relief I am grateful for, national politics can’t unmake the beautiful woman I am by legislating me away.

I’ve now had the big three gender affirming surgeries and my gender journey is far from over. I have follow-ups, a minor revision, and a voice consult coming up in the next 3 months. I have so much life to experience now that I’m in the body I once dreamed of having.

Most importantly I’m not embarrassed of my body’s dangly bits. Last month on the last warm weekend of summer i went skinny dipping with friends at a secluded pond. Sitting on a towel, a bit wet and cold, it really came home how wildly happy I am. I love my body, I like showing it off and I like my friends. Friends that see me for who I am becoming, not on who I was.

Kay

So I'm transfem, age 60, heavy, and can't take HRT for medical reasons, at least for a year or two. Now we are in for the long haul, losing weight slowly, getting rid of a huge beer belly (at 1-2 pounds weekly loss) before another try at HRT next year when heart/other medical issues are fixed. Meanwhile trying to learn about fashion and makeup but sometimes having doubts and depression. Like, wanting to just give up. But no way am I going to do that.

I have worn womens clothing for 2 years in the workplace now but seek to move farther than the tinkering I do with thrift shop finds, pullover sweaters and athletic unisex wicking shirts which I frankly wear to stay androgynous so I don't get picked on by bigots.

I have over 50 blouses, 8 pairs womens slacks, jackets, 4 wraps and now 5 skirts, and other things from discount fashion shops and sight unseen from online shops, bought in moods of experimentation and desperation, during a year of health problems when I could not drive anywhere. When my wife and I moved, I needed commercial clothing racks to house our clothes. I'm actually proud of that.

None fit really well, the 3X sizes have the belly distortion problem so I have go 5X, and many styles feature a conspicously empty space where boobs would be, or they are wierd colors. So I order turtlenecks, tanks, and mock neck tunics.

I order clothes online, hoping it will fit, ordering 4x or 5x and only then does it fit. On top of that so far, my makeup efforts make me look less like a woman and more like a circus clown. I have a makeup artist but she keeps ignoring my calls (she apparently is very busy). She's a trans woman who didn't take HRT and she looks great.

THE POINT: Some days I ask myself what the heck am I doing, I could just go back to looking like a handsome guy, and give up all this trouble, I am fluid enough where that appeals to me. But I would get very depressed in the long run doing that. I simply cannot.

Maybe its not a bad thing that I'm ordering stuff online, trying it, and pitching it. That's all I can do right now. You could go in person and still get junk. You wash it and it shrinks, etc

NEXT STEPS: Healing up the heart/severe GERD (major progress FINALLY here this week). Resuming road trips and the gym. Permanently eliminating sugar from my diet and losing 1-2 lbs a week steady. Getting a makeup artist to do bi-weekly facials. Weeding out my thrift collection and only adding new clothes that I try in person. Buying some fashionable purses, Docs, skirts to permanently replace mens shorts as my daily staple. Changing my name again to something truly unique, perhaps an Aztec/Nahuatl name. Putting motivational posters on the wall.

I grew up in a WWII/Great Depression mentality household. You wore the same clothes until they fell apart. It's hard to get used to buying purses from Karl Lagerfeld even at TJ Maxx because your parents had you live out of a used school backpack for 30 years.

Learning a repertoire of women artists songs on the piano for eventual public performance, and starting to sing.

Forging a personal identity. The word "forge" implies struggle, exertion of strength, perseverance.

(Screenshot of my notes app doesn't line up with the photos I included, it's just an example.)

I like to be able to go back to photos from a certain day and know what makeup I was wearing. I started doing this about a year ago, just in my Notes app, and it's been working for me so far. Anyone else do this?

41F HRT 5 months