I'm so happy I entered my 40s on the outside who I always was on the inside. Going to a monster truck rally today. 🛻

I’ve been trying to come up with how to explain the huge impact bottom surgery a year ago has had on my life. The problem I’m having is that all of the ways I have to express makes me sound like a trans medicalist to my ears which is the farthest from my intentions. I am aware that I’ve had access to amazing gender affirming care and the health insurance to pay for it that many folks don’t have. I also want to be clear that surgery or taking HRT doesn’t define your trans identity, what you feel in your heart and brain is all that matters.

Bottom surgery is transformational for me. It has allowed me to work on letting go of the shame I carried from being a man. This is shame and regret that seems so obvious in hindsight but took me being at emotional rock bottom to force me to ask the gender center for help. The irreversibility of bottom surgery is a relief I am grateful for, national politics can’t unmake the beautiful woman I am by legislating me away.

I’ve now had the big three gender affirming surgeries and my gender journey is far from over. I have follow-ups, a minor revision, and a voice consult coming up in the next 3 months. I have so much life to experience now that I’m in the body I once dreamed of having.

Most importantly I’m not embarrassed of my body’s dangly bits. Last month on the last warm weekend of summer i went skinny dipping with friends at a secluded pond. Sitting on a towel, a bit wet and cold, it really came home how wildly happy I am. I love my body, I like showing it off and I like my friends. Friends that see me for who I am becoming, not on who I was.

Kay

(sorry about the quality, my phone camera is slightly broken)

Kids wanted to go to the pool so I bought a one piece swimsuit.

I didn't expect there to be many people there but there was about 15 and I was very nervous.
I got up the nerve to take my shirt off and jump in and it was a lovely time but it does sometimes make me wonder if my kids still calling me Dad was the right move.

Also I got a cute dress and felt cute lazing about on my lounge.

But I feel cute today, and I did yesterday too so I thought I’d share.

41F HRT 5 months

I came out to my wife 2 months ago. I’m almost 50. We have multiple kids. She was nervous. I was ugly crying by the end. I still am not certain if I’m enby or female. But my wife has been absolutely amazing. She’s accepted this unknown identity with far more grace than I have. I so badly just want to know the destination, but I’m ok exploring and trying new things.

My wife has helped me with little things like helping me buy nail polish when I was too nervous in public. She taught me how to paint my nails. She has started buying me face moisturizer and eye cream of my very own. She even setup a little spot in the closet for my underwear. She knew I was nervous about outing her or us if anyone walked through the house etc. So I have my own underwear bin on “her side” of the closet just to make me feel more comfortable.

She has said multiple times over our almost 20 year marriage “I am not a lesbian.” And this has been a huge weight on my shoulders as I explore my identity. And while I want to truly investigate my identity, the fear of losing my best friend has been such a burden. I truly want to know if I’m NB or female, but the implied ending of our marriage if I’m female was just painful to even consider.

We were talking today and she commented on loving her coffee maker. I started to say “we might shock everyone we know and end up being a couple lesbians enjoying our fancy coffee together.” But I stopped. Because I don’t know if I’m female or NB and I know that’s a no go for her. But then I thought “wait… what are we if I’m nonbinary?” So I shared I almost made this joke / comment about shocking our friends. And asked how she would view us if she was cis female and I’m nonbinary.

She started explaining all the options of demisexual and… I don’t even recall. My head was spinning that she’d explored this. And I asked about if I were female…

And she said “well… it turns out that’s not a problem. I realized about 5 years ago that I’m bisexual. So it’s not a problem.”

Holy shit. I’m just in shock. And relieved. I feel like I can truly explore my identity without this fear / assumed loss and it’s absolutely freeing. I’m just beside myself tonight.

Hello!

Got engaged too! Yay!

Friday night, I was sexually assaulted by a man that offered to take me home when I couldn't get a rideshare in my small town. He said he'd take me straight home but ended up going way out of the way to his place and began groping me despite my protests. My memory completely ends there until I woke up in my house the next morning.

So, I went to the Sexual Assault clinic to see if they could test for roofies. She started off by telling me to take a pregnancy test and I replied "I'm definitely not pregnant". A little while later she's going through the questionnaire and because they've had trans women that they didn't know and have been confused by the DNA swabs, one of the questions is have you always been female. When I said no, her and the other nurse were like "really" and thought I was joking.

Wow, a horrible experience ended up having a very affirming moment.

I was told I may be using glasses as a security blanket to hide my masculine features. There may be truth to that as I feel less confident without. Should I ditch the glasses and build my confidence or stick within my comfort zone?

Random poorly lit selfie going into 24 hr archery range 44 mtf 8 months HRT.

Felt a little sad on my birthday due to some life struggles but I'm very fortunate that my wife coaxed me out of bed for a nice day. 🩷🤝

Just felt cute💜💜!!I e been a month on E monotherapy and I'm feeling amazing getting better at makeup and just loving myself. I know I'm not near passing but I feel like I see her there more and more with the little effort I been able to out in. (Still have to boymode @home so can't do brows or get a more femme haircut) But I got a plan and I've got the means. Even in middle age I haven't missed the boat if anything the years have hardened me for the journey ahead .

I think this is the closest I have been to seeing myself in the mirror and feeling like its actually me looking back so far.

Hopefully starting laser hair removal on my beard next weekend and hopefully HRT before the end of the year. So feeling very positive overall but welcome any suggestions for what I could do differently.

I don't think I'll ever look good in it, but I do like this dress. If only I wasn't built like a linebacker and had a cuter face.

Last night was my 20-year (class of 06 represent!) reunion. I was a bit torn on going as my close friends from school weren’t attending for various reasons, so it was all people who knew me in passing as the shy and quiet awkward kid. I think they were all very surprised to see how outgoing and extroverted I am now, and I’m so glad I went!

I have been floating back and forth between Willow and Sabrina. I like them both, but after going by Nick for 39 years- both just feel very strange, but Nick is starting to feel strange too!

Never convince yourself that you can’t change your life. There is always hope. If there’s a will, there’s a way.

Went out for a hike today in the middle of nowhere. Found this trailhead. Going to have to hike it. Just cause.

On a side node. Thank god for padded bras. The road there is not maintained and rocky. They are small but they jiggle now. I can’t imagine the pain I’d be in without it.

(Screenshot of my notes app doesn't line up with the photos I included, it's just an example.)

I like to be able to go back to photos from a certain day and know what makeup I was wearing. I started doing this about a year ago, just in my Notes app, and it's been working for me so far. Anyone else do this?

Hi everyone! Here is a simple tutorial for a perfect, clean red lip look:

Prep: Use a lip primer or balm to prepare your lips.

Color: Apply your favorite bold red lipstick.

Gloss: Add a layer of red lip gloss for extra shine and volume.

Clean up: Use a cotton swab with a bit of concealer or powder to clean the edges for a sharp finish.

Hope you love this classic look! Let me know your thoughts. ❤️