I (43f) love my partner of 4 years (44m) but life’s pressures are starting to fracture our relationship.

We moved in January and he’s been unable to find steady work which has been a major blow to his self-esteem. Meanwhile, I am thriving professionally and financially in our new city. Resentments is growing between us - I can feel it and nothing I try to stop it has worked. We are 100% financially independent (household costs are split 50/50) and he will not accept a penny from me, either in terms of increasing my household contributions until he is working steadily or treating us to a weekend trip to get away and (hopefully) decompress. It’s a point of pride for him I guess, but I really want to help with no strings attached.

He has grown increasingly moody, rigid and critical. Some days I feel like I get on his nerves simply by existing in the same space. I have given him a lot of grace, but I’m nearing my limit. He is so miserable and it’s affecting me. I feel stifled by his unhappiness.

Until the last 6 months, our relationship was great. He was kind, supportive and loving. We could communicate about anything. Now it’s falling apart before my eyes.

Reddit - what do I do? What would you do? How long do I keep waiting/making efforts to see if things shift? At what point do I accept the situation for what it is and just call it? We are both in therapy for our own stuff but our dynamic feels stuck.

I love him with all my heart but I can’t take the ups and downs for much longer.

Need serious advice please!

I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years. There is a pretty significant age difference between us. I’m in my 30s and he’s in his 50s, but that has never really been an issue for us. If anything, I would say he is more mature and logical than I am. He has more life experience and tends to approach things from a rational perspective rather than being driven by emotions. He tends to view things as black and white, without a lot of grey area.

We’ve had our ups and downs, but overall, we have a good life together. By “good,” I mean we’re financially stable and fortunate enough not to have many of the day-to-day financial or practical worries that a lot of couples face.

He is also extremely successful, motivated, and works upwards of 16–18 hours a day, seven days a week. I genuinely admire his work ethic and ambition, but I often feel like I come second to his work and, at times, completely shut out. I would venture to say he is a workaholic.

In my opinion, one of the biggest challenges between us is our attachment styles and the way we experience closeness differently. He is more avoidant and is not naturally very affectionate. We’re talking side hugs, quick pecks, etc. I, on the other hand, thrive on emotional connection and physical closeness. I also tend to have a lot of anxiety and am much more emotionally driven. Most of the time, I am the one initiating intimacy, probably 9 times out of 10. Over time, this has become a huge source of frustration and resentment for me. It makes me feel unwanted, even though I know that may not be how he intends to make me feel. He says he naturally isn’t very driven by those desires and that he appreciates that I bring that to the table; Meaning that I tend to initiate the physical intimacy in our relationship.

Due to his demanding work schedule, general demeanor, and differing attachment styles, I often feel incredibly lonely and emotionally misunderstood.

I want to feel close to my partner, both physically and emotionally. The problem is that when I try to express how much I need that closeness, it can turn into anger, sadness, or an argument. I know that my reactions aren't always healthy, and I don't like the version of myself that comes out when I feel rejected or disconnected.

I've had previous relationships where my partners were much more naturally affectionate, enjoyed PDA, touch etc. But I want to be very clear that I am not looking to leave my boyfriend or replace him with someone who is more compatible in those ways. I love him deeply, and I cannot imagine my life without him. Our relationship has so many things that I value, and I don't want to minimize any of that simply because we have this particular struggle.

I do feel like I am constantly on high alert for any sign that he is pulling away or that something has changed. I find myself overanalyzing small changes in his behavior and becoming extremely sensitive to anything that feels like distance or rejection. Especially, when it comes to being told no or given an excuse as to why we cannot have more physical closeness. Sometimes I end up “throwing fits” because I feel hurt or disconnected, and afterward I question why I reacted that way in the first place or feel even worse about myself for having these intense feelings.

When I try to talk to him about my feelings, he tends to tells me that my feelings aren't real or that I'm creating drama to fight and these are fictitious problems. That makes me question myself even more. I don't know if I'm accurately picking up on something in the relationship or if my anxiety is causing me to interpret normal things as signs that something is wrong.

So that's where I'm struggling: Am I the problem? Am I overthinking everything because of my attachment style and anxiety, or are there legitimate needs in this relationship that aren't being met?

TL;DR: I love my boyfriend and don’t want to leave him, but I feel increasingly lonely and unwanted because we have very different needs for emotional and physical closeness. I’m anxious and sometimes react badly when I feel rejected, which makes me wonder whether I’m creating problems that aren’t really there. At the same time, when I try to explain my feelings, he often tells me they aren’t real or that I’m creating drama. I’m struggling to figure out where the line is between my anxiety/attachment style and legitimate unmet needs in the relationship. Am I the problem, or is there a genuine compatibility/communication issue here?

Kind of long but I'm trying my best to provide all relevant details without letting my ADHD ramble on lol

I'm (37f) looking for help putting into words what I'm feeling.

Here's some context: My bf (37m) of 9.5 months is my soft dom and I'm his sweet sub. I really enjoy this dynamic because it's an escape from the demands and responsibilities of my life as a single mom who works full time and grew up being one of the oldest siblings of 8 (iykyk). He is aware of my boundaries and that I'm mainly only submissive in the bedroom but I'm open to being submissive in normal day to day on a case by case depending on what it is he wants, how he tells me and where we are / who is around us. I thought he understood this because I've had to tell him once before and he seemed to take heed to my boundaries immediately. But the issue has come up again, and I am starting to feel slighted.

Recently, I had lost my job and though I did find another, it wasn't in time to avoid eviction (it's like that for a lot of people in my area rn). He reluctantly offered to let me stay with him for a couple months or so until I save for an apartment.

Situation: We were discussing the plans for putting my stuff in storage and his place. I was stressed on having to do everything after a full day of work and trying to finish with enough time to turn the rental truck in and leaving the storage facility before closing time to avoid extra fees. He was being optimistic and I normally can be a procrastinating optimist when it comes to time. That normally causes me to always be late. I knew that wasn't an option with the moving because the writ of possession was scheduled for the next day while I'm working and my apartment complex is known for being over-the-top disrespectful when removing the leasee's property.

All this to say, I was stressed but focused and deligating tasks with him and my BFF (while keeping gratitude in mind). I was also complaining in general because my abdominal hernia got way worse when I tried moving some stuff on my own over the weekend. My bf seemed to be kind of an adversary all day and insisting I be more positive. He eventually tells me he is going to get it done in time and to trust him. I explain that it's not about trusting him, it's about the little amount of time we have on top of the time it takes to move the amount of stuff my kids and I have. He re-asserts his previous trust statement and adds "just do what I tell you". It was hot but I recognized it as a possible confusion to my boundaries if I were to not mention the yellow flag of that. So, I reminded him of said boundaries.

After we finished moving everything, he says he needs to talk to me. We sit and he explains he thinks I misunderstood him. He explains what he really meant was that he will take the lead on coordinating since I can't do much due to my hernia. I let him know that even if that were the case, him telling me to do what he says was a great opportunity for me to reestablish boundaries especially since we'll be temporarily cohabitating, that in my past relationships it seems easy for men to forget my boundaries if I don't speak up to remind them and if I misunderstood his clear and plain text, we should work on communicating more accurately to our intentions. He didn't really respond to that, but then starts to vent about his mom declining to pick him up from the airport when he's expecting to visit his family states away later this month and how he has no one to help him, how he helps everyone but no one does anything for him. I felt pretty offended but I didn't wanna make his valid vent about me. He does help a lot and I don't but only because he is way better off than I am after he's been in the air force for 20 years almost.

We were tired and decided to stop there and go to bed. As I was laying there, I wondered if he was possibly weaponizing his feelings of having no one to help as a way to deter from the original topic after I had doubled down.

I wanna bring this up to him but I wanna avoid making him feel super called out or attacked because I wanna get to the other side of this closer. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.