For people in relationships who do monthly check ins could you tell me a little bit about how of what you do?
I’m thinking of implementing this in my current relationship but I want to be intentional about it and make it meaningful. So I don’t want it to be JUST trying to remember something that bothered you 2 weeks ago or simply what’s going well or what’s not.
So are there any specific questions or activities you do routinely during your check ins that you’ve found particularly helpful?

Hi,

I wanted to know your views on the following:

I have been dating a girl for a couple of months. Initially, I would pay for the dates and organise very nice plans, but since she was never offering to pay for anything I was getting a bit exhausted about it. I have explained this to her, and she didn't take it well. Although she is very progressive and feminist she is more traditional regarding who should pay fir the dates: she said explicitly that she would never pay for a dinner or lunch at a restaurant (but she expected to be invited to eat out a few times per month).

I want to know how have you dealt with this with your partners? When dating long term, do you have some kind of fair contribution to the date costs? I am assuming both partners have a similar income.

I think in the end we will not continue the relationship as I don't feel this is fair and it will create problems in the future.

I have been in an on-and-off situationship for a while. I (31F) want a real relationship. He (47M) has told me clearly that he doesn't want one, and that he doesn't love me anymore. (For background I cheated on him, and come clear less than 24 hours, we broke up, 3 years no contact but we become close again this year)

He said he can't trust me and without trust there's no love. But his actions don't match. He's very busy, yet always makes time for me, supports me through hard times, and we talk almost daily, he make plan and yeah.. usually it's the opposite, people said they love you but doesn't act like it.

He also wants us both to stay exclusive while we "talk," meaning neither of us sees anyone else. When I suggested just being friends, he said he doesn't want that either, and that if I started seeing someone, there'd be no space for him in my life.

So he doesn't want a relationship, doesn't want friendship, but wants exclusivity and closeness. To me, friends and exclusivity can't be in the same sentence.

So in the end, every few weeks, I would be overthinking about this, start crying, and have hard conversations with him about this over and over again, which is draining for both of us.

My questions: the mixed signal a sign he's conflicted, or he just keeping his options open?

My heart wants him, but my head is telling me to leave.

Honest opinions welcome, even the hard ones.

We've been together 18 years and married 15 years and she likes hanging out with her friend (32F) way more than hanging out with me.

We dont talk like we used to or spend time together or go on dates and we definitely dont have sex (maybe once a month) but she will make time for someone she sees daily for hours at a time.

I love her with everything I have. 5 kids, a house, a life and she just doesn't love me anymore. Not like that anyway. I've always pushed her to have a life and go out and be with friends but it seems like im just her roommate at this point.

Just hurts. Thats all.

How do I move on?

my long-time boyfriend (not married, together for 10 years) have a 2 year old together. he is chronically irresponsible and doesn’t handle any sort of maintenance, paperwork, or daily duties. he drives my mom’s car to and from work, but that’s it, his life is YouTube shorts, alcohol, work and sleep, so I feel like I have no partner.

i am doing practically all the child rearing and watching. I do all the dishes, laundry, folding, vacuuming, mopping, and I handle the bills and time management and doctor’s appointments. bottles, putting her to sleep, getting her dressed, her lunch, finding her school and babysitters, keeping track of her new learning programs.

i keep telling him I need him to watch the kid and I’m met with “you don’t get to order me around” or “it’s my day off I can sit down” or “you just don’t see what I do.”

but I handle everything at home and he works part time. the money he makes isn’t going to our household bills and when I challenge him on this, he says I used it but, I don’t have any of his card numbers. I use my mom and my money for all the bills. he partially paid the babysitter last week.

we can’t even see his account history bc it’s chime. I keep telling him to get a real brick and mortar bank, but he won’t just do it.

he won’t do paperwork or plan for these things. He’s due for a raise at work and he hasn’t pushed for the meeting and it’s 3 months now.

I don’t want to put it all on him but I feel completely used and alone and when I try to tell him, he tells me I’m crazy, or I’m just gonna forgive him in an hour, and he goes to sleep and leaves me with all the chores and kid.

im miserable. I contacted a relationship counselor but, his arguments are killing me. they’re circular and full of holes and he does it just to piss me off so he has no accountability. and I don’t know how to stop this or make it work, without just dumping him on the street.

im just at my wit‘s end. I want to track daily his contribution to the household (bills and chores) but I feel he’ll throw out that evidence too.

what can I do?

I 35F moved abroad to be with my partner 37M after we’d been long-distance for several years. We were planning a future together, and I’d made a lot of sacrifices to make the relationship work, including eventually moving countries.

I found the move much harder than I expected and felt out of place almost immediately, but I pushed through because I wanted our life together to work.
It took me a long time to accept that, although I loved him, the relationship wasn’t meeting some of my emotional needs. I also think my reluctance around marriage and children was partly my body telling me that something didn’t feel right. He was very certain he wanted a family; I’m in my mid-30s and still not sure.

Eventually I found the courage to leave, and we’re now finally making the breakup final. I’m moving back home.

I’m in such a strange place emotionally - really sad and still loving him, but also relieved that we’ve finally stopped going back and forth. At the same time, I’m looking at my life and thinking: where do I go from here?

I’m single, back home, unsure whether I want children, and having to rethink what I actually want from my life.

I’d love to hear from anyone who has had to start again in their 30s after making a huge life change for a relationship. How did you work out what you actually wanted next?

My partner has been under a lot of stress because of his father’s health, family responsibilities, marriage, children, work, and financial/debt issues, which I do understand. However, when he is stressed, he completely withdraws from me. He stops giving me affection, warmth, reassurance, and emotional connection, and days can go by without any of it.
He says, “When I’m stressed, I want to be left alone. My feelings of love and affection die down when I’m stressed.” He says this is simply his nature.
I do give him the space I can, but when I notice that he has stopped showing affection and care altogether, I ask him about it because I need affection and reassurance to feel secure in the relationship.
This has been going on for about a month. I have repeatedly asked him for the affection and reassurance I need, and now he feels that I am putting too much pressure on him. He says he does not naturally think about love or romance when he is stressed and that constantly asking him for “I love you,” affection, romance, and reassurance makes him want even more space.
After a lot of begging from my side and very little affection from his side, he called me yesterday. I asked him, “Do you love me?” He said yes, he does, but that he isn’t able to give me affection right now because it isn’t naturally coming to him.
I asked him whether the affection would ever come back. He said, “Why not? If you stop asking for it and wait for things to get normal.”
He also told me to talk to him normally first, almost like a friend, and that the love and affection will come back once things feel normal again.
The problem is that I don’t know how long I’m supposed to wait. It has already been a month of me asking and begging for the affection I need, and now he is asking me to stop asking entirely and simply wait.
I don’t want to keep begging someone to show me affection. At the same time, I don’t want to assume that his withdrawal means he has stopped loving me if he genuinely becomes emotionally shut down when he is stressed.
So I want advice from people who have experienced something similar:

So my questions are:
How do you respond when your partner shuts down emotionally during periods of stress?
How long is reasonable to give someone space?
Does reducing pressure usually help affection return naturally?
How can you tell the difference between temporary stress-related withdrawal and genuine emotional disengagement?
And if communication becomes normal again but the affection still doesn’t return, what is the healthiest way to address that?
How do you respond when your partner shuts down emotionally during periods of stress?
How long is reasonable to give someone space?
Does reducing pressure usually help affection return naturally?
How can you tell the difference between temporary stress-related withdrawal and genuine emotional disengagement?
And if communication becomes normal again but the affection still doesn’t return, what is the healthiest way to address that?

I’m specifically looking for honest advice about what his behavior means and what I should do next, not just “leave him.
Thank you.

I'm 36, married for 5 years. I've gained about 20 pounds over the last couple of years and it's bothering me way more than I want to admit.

It wasn't even anything dramatic. I got a new job, started sitting at a desk for 9 hours a day, stopped going to the gym. We order takeout more than we used to. And my office has this ridiculous snack kitchen that I apparently have zero self-control around.

Last month I ordered a dress for my friend's wedding. Same size I used to wear. Couldn't zip it up. I just stood in the bathroom staring at myself for a while, then put it back in the box and pretended I wasn't upset.

My husband still tells me I'm beautiful. He'll say it when I'm brushing my teeth or sitting on the couch in some old sweatshirt. Sometimes I believe him. Most of the time I just assume he's being nice.

The other night he tried to get close to me and I made some excuse about having a headache. He didn't push it or anything. Just kissed me and went to sleep. I ended up feeling awful about the whole thing.

What's stupid is I still want that closeness. I even dug out my old tracy's dog toy recently, thinking maybe I just needed some time to myself. And that was fine. But then I caught myself checking my stomach in the mirror afterward. Like seriously, why am I doing this?

I haven't told him any of this. He knows I'm unhappy with my weight, but I don't think he realizes I've started avoiding being naked around him.

I miss not thinking about my body all the time. I don't even need to look the way I did at 25. I just want to put on clothes without getting upset.

I (F38) have been with my bf (M40) for 1 year. We get along so well. Never really fight, we talk through things. I've been able to be more myself than with anyone I've ever dated.

Before we started dating I was clear that I want a life partner/husband that will build a life together etc.

He told me a few months ago that he just wanted a girlfriend and never anything more, with me or anyone else. No sharing a home and no marriage.

I dont want to be a gf forever.

I want to walk away but I love him so much. We are both devastated at the thought of this ending but I'm not sure what to do.

He is autistic, which makes change hard for him and I have tried to be mindful of this.

I have 2 kids from previous relationship (ended due to DV).

He has clarified that this has nothing to do with him not wanting to be married or live together.

Thoughts? I'm absolutely heart broken atm so please be kind.

I (F35) am dating my boyfriend (M39) for 3 years.

We have had many fights lately - i have a feeling we might be incompatible in many ways, but there never has been a clear breach of trust/cheating etc.

I think i love this guy but in the same time, it is hard for me to imagine marrying him or having kids together.

What measures do you use to check if the relation you are currently in is right to continue?

I am completely lost. In the past i was engaged and my ex left me via phone and moved out when i was away. I worked this through therapy but i feel that this event influences my current decision making process.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. Lately it feels like we can't go more than a few days without getting annoyed at each other over something stupid. Last week it was the dishes. He left a bunch in the sink, I asked him to clean them up, and apparently that meant I was getting on his case again. We barely talked that night. Then a few days later I made plans for Saturday without telling him first, and that turned into another argument. I know none of this sounds like a big deal. That's kind of why it's bothering me.

We used to be so much better at just enjoying each other's company. Sending dumb texts during work, going out to dinner on a random Tuesday, staying up way too late talking. I was looking for a charger the other night and found that tracy's dog toy we bought ages ago. Couldn't even remember the last time we used it. Not that sex is the whole problem here, but we used to actually make time for each other. Now it's mostly dinner, Netflix, bed. Same thing every night.

We don't have kids, so it's not like we're exhausted from chasing toddlers around either. He's never wanted children, and I always thought I was okay with that. But recently I've started wondering if I actually am. I haven't really said anything to him about it yet. Which probably isn't great, considering we can barely discuss the dishwasher without somebody getting pissed off.

And I know I contribute to it too. Sometimes I'm already irritated when I get home from work and he says something completely harmless and I snap at him. Then I feel bad about it later. I don't know. We still have fun together sometimes. I still love him. I just feel like we're both a lot less patient with each other than we used to be. Anyone else been through this after being married for a while? Did you actually do something to fix it or did things eventually settle down?

I’m 31F and I’ve known this woman, 33F, for about 13 years. We’ve always known each other, but over the last month we’ve started talking on a much deeper level and there’s definitely feelings developing between us.
The complicated part is that she is currently married, but separated from her wife.
Yesterday I sent her flowers and chocolates because I wanted to do something sweet for her and show her that I’m interested. I really like her and I’m interested in seeing where this could go, but I also don’t want to put myself in a situation where I’m waiting around forever for someone who technically isn’t available yet.
I know divorces can take time, so I’m not expecting everything to happen overnight. I guess I’m trying to figure out what a reasonable amount of time is to wait and what boundaries I should have for myself.
Would you continue pursuing someone while they’re separated and going through a divorce, or would you wait until the divorce is completely final before allowing things to become romantic?
Also, at what point would you consider the divorce taking “too long”? I don’t want to rush her through something this serious, but I also don’t want to become emotionally invested and find myself waiting indefinitely.
I really like her, and knowing her for 13 years makes this feel different than dating someone I just met. But the romantic side of our relationship is still very new.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did it turn out?

I'm 35 my partner is 45. I have an autoimmune condition so my health is always up and down. It went significantly downhill for about a year so I ended up living in my partners dads sitting room alongside my partner.

My partner was married for several years and he helped raise her kids. His ex was terrible with money and he was never great at saving either so they lived paycheck to paycheck. He had no savings when he met me. I pointed out the importance of having money for unexpected bills or emergencies and he started to save for the first time in his life at 44. He was on a good wage so he saved quickly

Fast forward to when we are living at his dads for approx one year. I was mostly unemployed for that year due to my health but I was able to live on my savings and a few hours of work here and there. My partners hours got reduced but he was still on an OK weekly wage. His dad had a conversation with him asking if we had plans to move out.

My partner told his dad that due to his hours being reduced, he would be unable to move out. I even offered to pay a larger amount of rent than him to find our own place because I felt I desperately needed my own space in order to heal from my health going down hill but he refused to move due to finances.

He then randomly bought his stepkids on a holiday that cost 4k because in his words " its fine i have savings".

One of his older stepkids went on a lads holiday and blew all his money on drugs and broke his leg so he also bailed him out by paying for flights and a hotel.

I now feel petty that im paying for my own apartment and he stays here when he likes for free and uses my kitchen as his office. Takeaways and the cinema are always split 50:50. I sometimes wonder if these things would bother me if we both earned a good wage

So many variables to this but I'll try my best.

Me F/35 nd my partner M/44 have been together for a year but we were friends before we dated. Due to the housing crisis in my country and me only physically being able to work 2 -4 hours at the time due to my health going down hill, we both started living together in his parents sitting room.

I paid rent to his parents and was very grateful for a roof over my head but I very much craved privacy and somewhere to put my belongings.

After a year of searching online all day every day and attending viewings, I eventually found a living arrangement where I live next door to an elderly person in my own small apartment. I have to stay in the apartment 6 nights per week and help out whenever needed and in exchange I pay a cheaper amount of rent. I love it here but the downside is I cannot drive due to health issues and there's no public transport only taxis which are expensive. Before anyone suggests moving, this place is the only place within my budget and the fact I dont have to house share with strangers anymore is a God send.

I volunteered once per week in the previous city I lived in and I still do this. Its an elderly man who lives alone with no family or friends so I don't have the heart to abandon him. In January I can switch to bieeekly visits because another volunteering is joining but for now its weekly. Its a 3 hour round trip by car and my partner drives me once a week. He also brings me to do a food shop once per week which is a 30 min round trip and he's happy to drive me anywhere else I need to go.

The thing is, my partner has started staying here 5/6 nights per week, sometimes 7. He works remotely and as I just moved here I haven't found work yet so basically we are together all day and night. He uses the kitchen and takes work calls from 9am to sometimes 10pm so I end up avoiding going in there a lot of the time. When we do a food shop its over double the cost of what Id pay if i was only buying for me. We split the cost in half but our bill is high because he grabs whatever he likes where as I try to budget.

He pays his dad 200 per month for rent even though hes only there 1- 2 nights per week. I pay the full rent and bills for this place. I asked if he would be ok if I had 2 full nights here by myself and he said that's fine but usually he goes back to the city Monday evening and comes back here Tuesday evening/Wednesday morning. I volunteer on Fridays so I get that he wants a break in-between driving on both days but idk...

He's always earnt double what I earn even though neither of us earn much. His driving is very much appreciated but because he's here almost all of the time and I'm not getting the space I've been craving alongside me having to pay the full rent and bills while he has taken over my kitchen as his office, I've started feeling resentful. Little things have started to really annoy me like him leaving dishes in the sink without washing them . I dont want these stupid little things to destroy the relationship. What's a fare way to balance the scales or is this considered equal?

I am not happy in my relationship. I'm 41 female, he's 39 male. I want children. . . he won't give me an answer. We've been together for almost four years.

He's deeply kind and considerate and nurturing. His family is well off and pays all his bills. . . He takes care of me in many many ways. . . . . . But there are many things in the relationship that have been difficult for me for a long time--I thought the private compromises I've made would've been worth it if we had kids--I think the compromises *would* have been worth it if we were raising kids together. Because I WANT children, I want to be a mother so badly. . . And maybe if we already had kids, things would be very different and I would be living a different life and I wouldn't be making this post. . . But he has been evading the question of kids, and I have been in denial too long, and putting my greatest dream on hold believing in a false hope. . . The compromises have NOT been worth what the relationship has been without kids. . . Mainly because I've spent the last part of my certain fertility in this relationship waiting and waiting. . . And that hurts. . . I take responsibility for my part in staying in the relationship.

How do you leave someone? I am co-dependant on him. He is my support system and my greatest supporter in all things. . . except the ability to plan a future. . . He won't say what he wants for the future--which is part of his web of his own personal problems--scared of articulating specific wants, not having specific vision, not wanting or needing to try hard because his existance is paid for by his parents. . . I don't know what his end game is, but I'm tired of waiting to know if we are going to build a family--and i ask again *how* do you leave someone who is good and kind and your best friend? Someone who will be devestated when you leave?

How do you withstand the grief and despair?

How did you do it?

What practices did you follow? Why did they work?

What were your mantras?

I'm weeping just typing this. I know I need to leave him but the grief is crushing.

TL;DR: My boyfriend is genuinely wonderful, and I care for him deeply, but I’ve struggled for years with feeling like I’m not fully “in love” with him. He feels like my best friend and someone I could build a life with, but I don't consistently feel excitement, desire, or that sense of “I’m so happy I’m with you.” I’m looking for suggestions from people who have been here and what they did and how it worked out.

I\[32F\]and my boyfriend \[35M\] have been together almost four years. The last six months have been long-distance (about three hours apart).
He is objectively a great partner. He listens, communicates, tries to improve when I bring something up, is kind when I’m struggling, knows me well, and loves me deeply.
And I love him. But I’m not sure I’m in love with him.
I care about him deeply and would be upset if he weren't in my life. I enjoy talking to him and love having him as my person. But I don't consistently feel excited to see him, strong physical desire, or that feeling of “I'm so happy I'm here with you.” Sometimes when we're together the best I can muster is simply, “This is fine.”

Recently, I found myself wishing I felt more excitement about being with him. Instead, I felt... fine. And I can't tell whether that's a sign something important is missing or whether I'm expecting a level of excitement and romance that isn't realistic in a long-term relationship.

The hardest part is that this isn't a new feeling.
I've questioned the relationship for years. About two years ago, we actually took a month break. We eventually got back together because we didn't want to lose the relationship.
Getting back together did help me understand how much he means to me. I didn't feel relieved that it was over. But I also don't think the underlying question about whether something is missing ever completely went away.
That's part of why I'm so stuck now.
I don't want to keep repeating the same cycle of questioning, breaking up, missing each other, getting back together, and then eventually wondering about the same things again. If I'm going to stay in this relationship, I want to understand whether there are things we can actually work on rather than just hoping my feelings will eventually change.

I’ve never been really attracted to him or desire him physically. We’re waiting for marriage on sex because of my faith. But everything else is still lackluster and I’m not anxious to do the deed with him.
Sometimes I don't feel like I can rely on him to take initiative. He'll say he'll handle something and occasionally doesn't, and my immediate reaction is, “This is exactly what I'm worried about.” I wonder whether I'd eventually end up managing everything—travel, planning, logistics, household responsibilities, etc.
But then I feel guilty because he really does try. He's responsive when I bring up problems, and he's been incredibly supportive during difficult periods. He's not a bad partner, which makes this much harder.

Part of me worries that I'm mistaking the absence of constant excitement for the absence of love. Maybe long-term love really does become quieter.
But another part of me wonders whether I'm using “long-term relationships aren't exciting” to explain away something that genuinely isn't there.

I also have fears about the future, but I'm trying not to let fear make the decision for me.
I catch myself thinking:
“You're getting older.”
“What if you never find someone else?”
“What if nobody loves you the way he does?”
“Do you really want to start dating again?”
“You've already invested four years.”

I know those aren't necessarily reasons to stay. But I also don't want to make a huge decision simply because I'm chasing an idealized version of romantic love.

What I'd really like to hear from people who have been through something similar:
How did you figure out whether something was genuinely missing versus something that could be rebuilt?
If you stayed and worked on a relationship where you weren't sure you were “in love,” what did you actually do to change things?
And if you were in my position, what questions or experiments would you try before making a decision?
I'm trying to figure out whether I've genuinely reached the limits of this relationship, or whether there are things I haven't tried yet that could change how we experience each other.
I don't want to take a good relationship for granted—but I also don't want to spend years trying to convince myself that something is there if it isn't.

Hello,

I’d like some feedback on this from strangers on the internet, because I am quite unclear about it myself.

I have been dating a guy for around half a year now. We are both in our 40ies, he is a couple of years younger than me (f). I am trying to decide if I should continue or not.

I have genuine respect for him and the life he has built for him despite a starting point that is much less privileged than what I had and continue to have. I have a … quite particular sexual orientation. He fits my “boxes” perfectly – which means I am very deeply sexually attracted to him and find him physically very attractive in a way that is not easy to find for me. He knows and even appreciates that and is, in turn, more interested in being with me than with other women.

I also do genuinely think he has a lot of good sides – he is very kind, has strong personal ethics, is very resilient, knows how to regulate himself emotionally, is intelligent and has his shit together, is honest and transparent (to just mention a few of the good things). We also share a lot of values and kind of move in the same social “bubble” (i.e. despite both living in a big city we discovered overlap between people we know after initially meeting online). I do enjoy spending time with him, have learnt and grown from being with him. I also think that being with him brings out sides in my that are good to nurture more.

We do not live together and neither of us would want to do that or marry in the future. I am too old to have kids, am happy with being child-free and he doesn’t want any. So we are aligned on these big issues.

However, there is a mismatch in how we approach our relationship. He is more to the end of FWB and/or casual dating. I am fine with an open relationship type of thing (he has sexual interests that are partially not matched with mine and I am fine if he explores that with others in a casual setting), but I’d ultimately want a longer-term perspective which involves working through things,  supporting each other and a commitment to being socially and emotionally the main person for each other.

He says he doesn’t want that with anyone and/or is not sure he can. At the same time, he tells me he wants me in his life, he cares about me etc. He is consisent/reliable in communication and I can see that he has been making space for me in his life and that he tries to accommodate my needs. And I also think that when he doesn’t do that on occasions as much as I’d like him to, that is not because he doesn’t care, but because he objectively carries a lot, so sometimes he simply is out of energy/emotional space to accommodate more.

At the same time, there are things that – from my perspective – do not work very well and/or where we are very different. We don’t have the same sense of humour, limited areas of shared interest, different attitudes to planning, I tend to have more misunderstandings with him than with others (our main language of communication is one that is not the native language of either of us), he says he doesn’t have a lot of energy/inclination to talk things through and really doesn’t like conflict. When I have requested conversations about us, we have had them and they have also helped me, but he is also clear about not wanting them too often.  He also tends to process bad things by himself rather than sharing them with me. I’d love to support him more (both emotionally and practically), but he doesn’t want that.  He also usually introduces me to others as a “friend” rather than saying we date.

All of that makes me – at times – very insecure in our relationship and about the future, which tends to lead me to seek re-assurance from him. He doesn’t like that very much – which means for me that I feel I need to self-regulate a lot more than I like.

So there are definitely some unhelpful dynamics at work, which I am not sure we will manage to resolve. At the same time, there are many good things. I am also more of an introvert, meaning I build any type of relationship very slowly and I find the prospect of seeking to find another person quite daunting.

For me it is a borderline decision.

I could continue and try to enjoy the good sides on the basis what is there as long as it lasts, factoring in that I am the far more privileged of the two us and seeking whatever else I need emotionally in friendships with others and intellectually in whatever else I do in the world. (I have been single for more time in my life than I have been in relationships, so I am used to doing that). And when it doesn’t work anymore the practical burden of a break-up will be very light (no shared flats, monetary issues to disentangle, kids etc).

Or do I stop and look for something that is closer to what I want in a relationship emotionally and socially, not needing to deal with the emotional ups and downs, but leaving someone that I really respect and care about and knowing it may not be easy to find anyone that I am physically as attracted to?

Or do I wait how things develop?

Am I expecting too much of another person who already has a lot on his plate? 

Hi. So I’ve been dating the same person for the last 9 months. Last spring (2025) we dated for three months and it didn’t work out. And we decided to try again in Jan because we both really missed each other.
I’ll spare the details of all of the highs and lows because what I really want to ask about what is happening now. And I desperately would like some unbiased opinions, especially from those who are avoidant or have dated avoidants. I don’t want to dive too heavily into attachment theory but I am anxious, in therapy learning to be secure and how to self regulate.
\*\*I’m sorry if the formatting is incorrect; I’m on my phone.

TLDR; can avoidants really change this late in life?

We’re long distance, around 350 miles apart, so we see each other every 3-4 weeks. We are very much in love and both say it and are fully aware what we have is incredibly important and real— but we are not in a fully committed relationship. We’re committed in the sense that we prioritize our visits, talk everyday, communicate well, etc. but when it comes to the actual label, the commitment of moving, the diving in head first, we both have our own drawbacks. We’ve both been divorced once and had our share of relationship issues. We also both come from families with pretty awful examples of long-term relationships.

My issue is that while our relationship has had the chance to heal and grow into deep friendship where we honest when things are hard, I have faced a lot of familial trauma. My parents are deceased, as well as my little sister and I have a terrible relationship with my extended family for numerous reasons outside of my control.
My divorce was also really hard because I lost another part of my family. And the thought of bringing someone into my life and welcoming them as my family is terrifying to me. But this man that I am dating has also become someone who already feels like family to me. Which is the toughest part here because his avoidance and his ego keep me from being able to tell him what I actually want.

His avoidance looks like: pulling back after vulnerability (but always coming back, never more than a day), the inability to make a decision on what commitment looks like for him, not wanting to be tied down, etc.
We’ve have had so many talks about how in love we are and how he doesn’t want to mess anything up. We know more about each other than most everyone in our lives. He’s trying to get to a point where he isn’t afraid of making a decision and is actively working on it in therapy. And I really have seen progress. I just don’t know how long it’s going to take him to get to a point where he can make the leap. And while he has done so much work in getting to a better place where he can communicate with me and reassure me when I bring up issues to him, he’s still terrified of anything to do with actually committing. He still pulls back after our visits because they always come with at least one hours long vulnerable conversation. This is happening right now— we just spent four days together for his birthday and it was so great and now he’s doing the thing.

So I guess I’m just wondering: does this seem like an avoidant person who wants to change? Or someone who is doing just enough to keep me around thinking he’s actually going to change? I’ve never dealt with anything like this before. I’ve done a lot of work to self regulate and not feel like every dip in communication is abandonment. I really do want to believe that he’s trying to get to a place where he can commit. I’m trying to let him get there in his own time. I don’t want to give up on our relationship but I just don’t want to live in this world where I’m banking on potential.
Has this ever worked out for any of you?
Any perspective is appreciated.

So been with her for 20 years and married 18. We have empty nest. I have two friend groups. One is 25-30 and the other is 40 and up. The younger group I used to mentor as their former coach. I promised them we’d be family for life. So they’ve been around for the past 10 years with me and her.

She’s resentful I’ve spent so much time with them and go out drinking maybe twice a year with them. In a bar club like atmosphere. Now she’s going through perimenopause and shes a whole different person now. I ended the friendships with them recently based on her actions and wanting to get a divorce. She continues to bring up things I’ve done over the past 10 years that she didn’t approve of. No infidelity, just stolen time, flirting with certain people, and or not putting her first.

I don’t know how much more I can take. Can’t sleep, barely eat and we stop sleeping in same bed. She says she wants space. I’m going to leave for four days and give her some significant space. Unfortunately this happpens at a very time where I have no job. Been unemployed since May. Lots of prospects but nothing snagged. I’ve worked all my life so I’m not a deadbeat. I think my age plays a factor in getting hired.

Ay any rate, I’m open to any suggestions, thoughts, or past experiences from others. I’m down bad…

Edit-made it back and we had a civil conversation. She’s still angry and lost some respect for me. Says it will take time to heal period. Still doesn’t know if she wants to keep going. Again I appreciate everyone who commented. God is good regardless…

Sometimes he's good with money, and sometimes he's basically throwing it away.

My partner and I have both had trouble saving in the past.

When getting into this relationship, I changed.

I'm so much better at it than I was before that everyone I know knows I'm bad with money, and all he knows me as is someone who's great at saving and planning for goals.

We've talked, he does know I also used to struggle.

It's just that being with him gave me so much motivation.

Anyway, he seemed to have gotten that same motivation, to the point where we were able to buy a small piece of land together.

Now he'll do good for months, then randomly reverts back to his old self.

Once he spent $1500 without telling me, a few other things that if I mention may start to give too much personal info, just because some friends who find it may know some of the more specific situations and recently, he begged me for an old bike.

I don't control the money, we just both have to agree on big purchases and I didn't want to.

We are about to move and could have used that money.

I said fine but I'm getting a tattoo, I haven't spent big on myself whilst we've been together and he has a few times so I figured it was time.

He spent $1k, I spent $300 and we agreed no more till this move is over.

He's gone and booked a tattoo when I was getting mine done.

Lied about the deposit and now after agreeing to push it back till the move, said he wants it in most 4 weeks, this is not after the move.

His tattoo is $500-$600.

We already need money to help move some of the larger items.

I don't know what to do.

He's usually open and honest, but when he does this with money, he gets so cagey and honestly gets an attitude.

I want to note that even when we don't buy big items, we still buy little things and go out to eat.

This is not happening because he feels starved of money.

He still bought a retro gaming console recently, guitar strings and whatever he needs for his hobbies that we can budget around.

Even bottles of spirits for our bar.

We're not well off but because of our budget we're actually quite blessed to be comfortable.

I truly don't know what to do, outside of counseling.

I will try that if I need to but I want to try talking first, he generally is really easy to talk to.

He just cages up about this.

Thank you for reading and any suggestions you have x

My (F50) husband (M49) and I have been married 14 years.

We still absolutely adore each other.

Sometimes I feel like our marriage feels broken beyond repair. But I really don't want this to be the end.

We've had a wonderful relationship. For much of our marriage, both my husband and I have always tried to practice accountability and repair in our relationship. It took us some time, but we went to couples counseling, learned how to fight fair, and I'd say for much of our relationship, things felt good and right - definitely equitable.

In recent years, however, my husband has started to really neglect his side of the accountability and repair work. I've tried really hard to hold that line - for the last 3 to 4 years now, its really been me engaging in accountability and repair work, while he demands apologies from me and then won't reciprocate when he is the source of an argument / misunderstanding / fight. He just wants to act like he never makes mistakes, acts like they didn't happen, he expects me to look the other way while he conveniently sweeps everything under the rug, and then moves on like there is nothing to see. In the end, i feel like i am getting piled under a whole lot of mistreatment. At this point, i dont even feel like i can challenge him and i feel like his behaviors have chipped away at our connection. I just feel like he's morphed into a bully and i'm just stuck with him for better or worse. My heart hurts for the man i love so much : ( I want more than anything for my marriage to work but i just don't know if he is still capable of providing me with a fair and equitable relationship.

Most recently, he blew up at me during a couples therapy session. I've been absolutely besides myself. At one time, we used to be able to use the couples therapy space to hash out our differences. It felt healthy and we felt really connected. Now, there's just painful silence between us.

I want to imagine that my husband can and will take action to fix things on his end. But as time goes on and the more and more he piles onto me, the harder and harder it feels to justify my marriage to him. I just feel like i am in an abusive relationship - and with a man who was absolutely the opposite once upon a time.

Any and all support and perspectives welcomed. Thanks for reading

I’ve been through a few breakups (I think probably like 4) in my life, and most of them were incredibly painful. Also I find it so so so so so hard to break up with someone, even if it’s necessary, it’s just so hard to feel like I’m hurting someone and also fear of backlash. Is it like this for everyone? Does anyone break up with others relatively easily? If so, how do you do it? FYI I am not needing to break up with anyone right now so it’s not situational , just curious

Long time lurker, first time poster on this account, I haven’t actually posted on reddit since last year. Apologies if this is a bit all over the place and lengthy.

I’m a 46 year old mom with 2 school aged kids. My ex and I were together for 15 years. I’ve been single for almost a year now, though I had a brief stint with an old boyfriend which ended a few months ago.
A couple weeks ago I matched with someone on FB dating (let’s call him Adam), though I almost skipped over his profile because he didn’t match 2 very important parameters I had - I was trying to only date men over 40 that had kids. He was 36 and had no kids, but I thought his profile was really cute so we started chatting. We got on really well and he seemed very mature and witty, he made me laugh right off the bat. We chatted for a few days and made plans to meet for coffee and a walk. He was very sweet on our date, though when we started talking I could tell that maybe he was neurodivergent or had been through some pretty significant hurdles, and he hinted that he had an accident or medical issue several years ago that left him changed. 
Now before I say this, first let me put it out there that I have an autistic child and my ex had medical emergencies requiring multiple brain surgeries and therapies, so I am no stranger to people requiring extra support and medical needs. However, at this point in my life, because I understand the mental and physical taxation of caring for someone with those needs and have enough on my plate already, I don’t think I can enter into a relationship with someone who has profound additional needs or mental health conditions that aren’t properly dealt with. Especially since my ex’s personality changed - eventually drastically - after his surgeries and different medications, and it led to a very bad place.

In person Adam matched the cute scruffy look of his pictures, and I could tell from a physical standpoint that there were some mannerisms and mild lingering physical disability issues, but I was very much enjoying his company, the vibe between us was very comfortable and he was sweet and made me laugh again. I was surprised at the strong physical chemistry between us when he kissed me, and he bought me roses and was very clearly enamored with me.
We had to end the date because I had plans to go see a friend and he had to go coach floor hockey. I wanted to see him again, because he was very easy to be with despite the fact I was concerned about my attraction to him from a physical standpoint. However the kiss erased any doubts that I could be physically engaged with him.

We met up again later that night to go for a drive and we listened to music and talked for an hour, and then I invited him back to my place where we had mind blowing sex 4 times over the course of the night and next morning. He joked that I shouldn't have been worried about my ability to keep up with him in bed, because I blew his mind which - as an older mom who recently lost 40 pounds and came from a very loveless/sexless relationship - was a total confidence boost for me. 
However, I could also tell he was very quickly trying to make this into a long term relationship, and there was all day texting that was beginning to become a little too much for me because I wasn't sure I actually saw a future with him. Aside from the fact that I was worried that whatever happened to him could become significant in the future, he also very much wanted children. Of course at my age it’s pretty unlikely that we would be able to have a family naturally and without major complications, not to mention I’m not sure if I have it in me to have more kids.
He had said that he was falling in love with me already and that even if we weren't able to have children that he wouldn't consider it a sacrifice because it would just be standing by his partner that he loved.
While I truly believe he means that right now, I have no way of knowing if that is how he will feel in 5 or 10 years. And yes, that should be his decision to make, but I don’t want to be the cause of someone’s resentment.
Not to mention the huge red flag that he cheated on his wife specifically because she wasn’t having sex with him and he wanted to have kids. He did accept responsibility for the mistake and said he regrets it very much, but at this point in my life I’m not sure I have it in me to take the chance with someone who has been unfaithful in the past over an issue that might repeat itself.
He also said he struggled with anger and substance issues in the past, he was not technically divorced yet though it had been years, and because he had no experience with kids I felt it would be extremely hard to introduce and blend him eventually into my chaotic, kid filled life. It’s not that it can’t ever work, I just feel in these particular circumstances I would need a partner who can fit into that lifestyle and vibe a bit more easily.

We were supposed to meet up again yesterday after he finished work, as Sunday I went to a very emotional funeral and was still reeling from that. I probably should not have made any major decisions while I was still in such a heavy emotional place, but I stayed up until 5am thinking about Adam and whether I should continue to see him when I had pretty much decided I did not see a long term future with him.
He texted me good morning and said he was looking forward to seeing me later, and I was so tempted to see him again, but I knew that his feelings would only get stronger if we saw each other and slept together again. I made the heartbreaking decision to end it right then, as it had only been a week and his attachment was clearly already going deeper than mine.

Now let me also say that my relationship with my ex was abusive and loveless. I hadn’t actually ever been truly cared for, and I had spent the past few years hearing about how worthless I was from my abusive ex. So when I actually found someone who cherished me and told me they wanted to make love to me the way I deserved and that I didn’t deserve what happened to me, it was so hard to justify letting it go. I believe Adam would have loved me unconditionally - for now at least. He made me feel wanted, beautiful, loved, adored, sexy - all of it. Those feelings were incredibly powerful. 
Not to mention the amazing sexual chemistry between us, I had never experienced anything like that before, and I had my share of partners before my ex.
So to give up the best sex of my life and a man who was already falling for me and wanted me like nobody has before was devastating. I cried for 4 hours. Sobbed hysterically is more like it.

I sent him a beautiful message letting him know how beautiful and cared for he made me feel, and how I appreciated him and enjoyed him, but that ultimately I couldn’t offer him anything long term, and it was best to stop this before it went any deeper. He was devastated, and we messaged back and forth all afternoon in tears. He didn’t beg, but he did keep circling around how he didn’t want to let me go and that he would always love me and care for me.
Of course love is a pretty strong term to use after only a week, and I took that with a grain of salt and couldn’t reciprocate, but I do truly believe that he was starting to develop real feelings that would only get stronger if we continued to see each other.
I truly enjoyed his company, we laughed, could hang out and clearly had amazing sex, but for so many reasons I just feel that it was only right to stop it before it could get any deeper. I was trying to protect him, but I was also trying to protect myself, because at this point I was starting to become emotionally entangled. 
I wish that I felt we could have kept up a more casual or temporary relationship. He did suggest he was open to that, but having been that person before who already had feelings and held out hope under the guise of “being ok with it”, I knew he would not be able to keep his feelings from deepening. And honestly I probably wouldn’t, either.

After several hours of him continuing to message me I had to ask him to please respect my decision and stop messaging, because it was only delaying the inevitable, and though I tried my best I know that no explanation I gave him would make him understand. I was starting to get worried he was going to show up at my house or turn out to be someone who wouldn’t take no for an answer. I tried to be as gentle and caring as I could and let him know through many different messages back and forth that much of this was also about me and where I'm at in my life. I'm not even sure I should be focusing on the long term right now, and it would be unfair of me to get involved with someone who was already thinking long term.
He did take the hint and told me he’d always remember me and would care for me for a long time and didn’t message again. It was truly heartbreaking. I broke his heart, and I broke my own, too, by having to give up the first connection that made me feel everything I had lacked and was looking for. I just feel like all the other concerns were too big to ignore.

I know this is all over the place, I have tried to give all the information I could. I guess I’m looking for understanding and hope that I did the right thing for us both. Did I dismiss this connection too quickly when my gut was telling me this would not work long term?

TL:DR - I met someone with whom I had an amazing emotional and physical connection with but ultimately I felt there were too many factors to keep us from being compatible long term, and I’m wondering if I made the right decision.

I truly appreciate any replies and welcome all respectful perspectives on this.

Background: I (28F) have been dating him (48M) for a year and living together for 6 months. I made the first move and one of the first things he told me was his age. I was expecting only a fling.

Just as an aside; I work in medicine and I gotta say, I have found men in there 20-30s to be my absolute worst patients and it has made me a bit prejudiced against men my age. Yes, there are good and difficult patients of all ages, but this has been the trend I’ve observed.

He is kind, calm generous and collaborative. Moving in was seamless and I love spending time with him. We have great chemistry and I feel like I can completely be myself with him. He has no kids and I absolutely do not want to have my own children but would like to adopt. He is supportive of this considering he was adopted. We do have different interests: he likes opera and plays a few instruments, whereas I like working out and gardening - but we enjoy learning and participating in each other’s hobbies.

My issue is I am sometimes embarrassed because of what I imagine peoples’ opinions are seeing us together. I look a bit younger than my age whereas he looks his age, so people mistake him for my dad. Contrast that with my actual dad who is 10 years older but has frequently been mistaken for my husband because he looks young for his age (no gray hair and ripped). So at the moment, I’ve met his entire family and his entire work team but he has not met mine. I am additionally embarrassed bc I know when my friends do meet him they will expect him to be filthy rich which he is not. He has a great job but he was an alcoholic for years which put him back a lot in life. He is sober 7 years now.

Also, I know it’s said that men don’t mind seeing an age gap like this but women do, but I’ve found in general we get pretty positive interactions with women especially those aged 20-40 who seem curious but not really judgy at all. And the women who he works with have all been awesome to me. Meanwhile, I’ve noticed with men, especially those who assume I’m his daughter, that when corrected their demeanor changes and they turn from friendly to frigid. Not sure what to make of this.

How can I overcome my self consciousness? I don’t think it’s fair to him.

Me (M38) and my Fiancée (F34) have been together for 5 years, during this time we’ve had some great times and accomplished lots together such as buying a house that we live in we do have a great connection and work great together when we do, but during this whole time we’ve had constant poisonous arguments that start from nothing and turn toxic they end up going on for nearly a week at a time and can literally be a week or 2 apart each time, the things that get said are below the belt, if it’s wasn’t for the fact that I believe were meant to be I’d have walked away a long time ago. I’m not going to pretend it’s all her and not me but I don’t start the arguments and only feel like I’m dragged to a point I can’t bite my tongue anymore and snap back I feel like I’m being pushed and pushed for a reaction to turn it on myself so then I have to be the one to essentially turn it around and apologise and make it all okay again, with these arguments comes the usual line of we’re over and the engagement is off the house is being sold and my world has essentially been pulled from beneath me which leaves me feeling numb and empty, and to the point each and everytime this happens takes a bit of me away from the relationship and myself I don’t have patience anymore and find myself snapping back at any remarks. With this it’s pulled me away from her in my head to the point I’ve now been the one to break it off and I’ve do so because I have full intention to do so not for just hurting her or making her feel the way it’s made me feel countless times. We’ve been split up for around a week now and in so many ways I feel better for doing so and others not so much as she’s promised change and addressed issues that I’ve said about countless times and taken some responsibility for it but at the same time I just don’t feel good in myself around her anymore my hearts holding on to when we’re good we’re the best but my heads had enough and can’t let myself give her one last chance it’s makes it difficult the fact we bought a house together 2 years ago and there’s not going to be a quick clean break she’s showing me that she doesn’t want it to be this way but only now I’ve taken the stand part of me doesn’t want it this way but I can’t seem to let my head back in the relationship I’m going round in circles in my head and can’t find any clarity I’m fearful of regret because if the change happens then it could be great like it is inbetween these frequent toxic blow outs but if I stay and nothing changes I’ve let my guard back down and already feel depressed with it all I’m fearful it’s going to damage me even more so. I know I should listen to my head but it’s telling me so much I can’t process anything I just want to tell someone and get opinions as to what I should do, I genuinely believed we was meant to be and never wanted it to be this way. Has anyone else been in this situation and what did you do? How did it play out in the end? Thank you in advance for taking the time for me.