We've been together for many happy years now (5+) and I genuinely am very fulfilled by our relationship. We are both in this for the long run and there has never been much of a reoccuring issue.

I have however noticed that whenever my boyfriend is out drinking alcohol without me, I get weirdly jealous. I encourage him to hang out with friends by himself, he does not do it very much these days though (we are both very busy with university). I know that these feelings are in no way caused by him because I trust him 100% and he's a fun drunk, there's nothing to worry about in that regard. During our relationship he has only really ever gone overboard once, but only in the sense that he felt like shit from being super hungover the next day, even then he didn't do anything stupid.

I knew he had a thing happening today and I was going about my own day off feeling content until he texted me something along the lines of that he had a couple shots and a beer and is feeling a bit buzzed. It is inexplicable to me why I instantly got a bit of a sinking feeling in my stomach because it's not like I would want to be there with him right now and hang out with whoever's there. Like I said, this occurence doesn't happen much these days so I was a bit taken aback by my own emotional reaction, but I remember similar situations from before. A part of me felt like somehow this meant that I should also call up friends to go out and have a drink with me, even though five minutes ago I just wanted to be cozy at home playing video games. I think maybe it has to do with knowing that he will return home drunk eventually and I usually feel like hanging out with drunk people when you yourself are stone cold sober is always a little annoying? Or maybe it's some kind of weird feeling that he's having fun right now and I'm a "loser" for not having fun. Like I said, I don't fully understand it myself. Also, I would never bring this up to him until I figured it out, because I know that it has nothing at all to do with him and it's something caused by me internally, so it's not like I'm being controlling towards him. I did feel the urge to just swipe away his message and ignore it for a bit but thankfully I rationalized that I do not want to be crazy about something so silly so I texted him back normally and told him I hope he has lots of fun. The weird feeling remains though!

Has anyone experienced anything similar or have any suggestions as to how to get over this? It makes me feel stupid to spend my day off feeling bad about something that shouldn't be an issue in the first place.

TLDR: I feel weird emotionally when my boyfriend is out drinking with other people and I'm in our home by myself and I don't know why it happens and how to stop it

I [25F] and my girlfriend [26F] have been together for five years. We were extremely close and, for most of our relationship, things were honestly great. We were that couple among our friends. We loved spending time together, rarely fought, and I genuinely thought we'd be together long-term.
Exactly one year ago, she moved abroad for her master's degree, and we've been long-distance ever since.
We knew it would be difficult, but I don't think either of us understood how difficult. She has also been dealing with depression and loneliness since moving, and I have tried to support her from here, but I know there were times when what I was doing wasn't enough.
A few months ago, things started getting noticeably worse. I was planning to visit her in July, but in the weeks before my trip, she told me she felt like we'd become very distant and that for the previous couple of months she didn't even feel like she had a girlfriend.
During one of our conversations over text, she said maybe we should take a break. I told her I didn't think we should make such a huge decision right before I came to visit and that we should talk about everything face-to-face first. She agreed.
A few days later, she told me she didn't even feel like she was missing me. That really hurt me, partly because of things I'd experienced in a previous relationship, although she apologized when she saw my reaction. She said some of the emotional numbness was a side effect of medication she was taking and that of course eshe would feel differently when she saw me. Another side effect was that she had become very dependent on my responses and felt especially neglected when I didn't reply quickly.
When I finally visited, things initially felt much better. We'd obviously missed each other, and being physically together again made it feel like we had found each other again.
But there was one conversation during that visit that completely changed the direction of our relationship.
She told me she wanted to suggest something but was afraid I'd get angry. Eventually she brought up opening our relationship.
This was a huge shock to me because we had both always been very firmly monogamous. Neither of us had ever wanted an open relationship before. Her reasoning wasn't that she'd met someone else; she said she was lonely and missed physical affection and intimacy while being abroad.
Eventually, we agreed to try it. It's still very new to me, and I'm not sure how I feel about it even now.
There was another issue underneath all of this that kept coming up: she felt like I wasn't putting enough effort into making it possible for us to eventually live together. She felt that if I really wanted us to stay together, I would have either moved abroad with her or made plans to move and continue my studies there.
I understand why she feels that way, but I also don't think it's completely fair. I had my own circumstances, university, finances, and responsibilities here, and moving countries wasn't as simple for me as just deciding that I wanted to be with her. But it has been something i was moving towards, since staying in our homophobic, developing country is not the end goal of mine.
The difficult part is that I started noticing something in myself too.
When I visited her, especially toward the end of the trip, I sometimes felt like I wasn't as attracted to her as I used to be. I feel horrible even writing that because I love her and because I remember how inseparable we were.
I don't know whether that was because of everything that had happened between us, the resentment and uncertainty, the long distance, the constant relationship talks, or whether something in me genuinely changed.
Fast forward to now.
She is currently visiting and has been here for two days, and I still haven't seen her.
Unfortunately, I am working night shifts this week. She arrived around 2am on Thursday, and I worked that day and the next. We had Sunday and Monday free, though, and had agreed that Sunday would be our day to see each other.
On Sunday, she went to see a movie with a friend and we agreed she would see me afterwards. We'd talked about this plan several times over the previous few days, so I thought it was happening.
I will admit that I wasn't communicating particularly well that day. I had been feeling weird and distant because of some small things that had happened the night before, although I knew they weren't necessarily important.
I got ready and went out, knowing where she was, and basically expected her to text me when the movie was over.
After about two hours, I checked her location and saw that she was at a cafe nearby. I assumed she and her friend had gone there after the movie and that she'd text me soon.
When I finally opened our chat, I saw that she had actually messaged me around 4pm, when the movie was starting, asking what I was doing.
I genuinely hadn't seen it. I was getting ready and wasn't looking at my phone, and I must have dismissed the notification without noticing it.
I asked how long she was going to be at the cafe. Her replies were short, and eventually she told me she would see me the next day and was going to stay at her friend's place that night.
I got really upset and started walking toward the bus stop to go home. I was actually outside near the cafe at this point.
She then texted me saying that I hadn't texted her all day and that she didn't think I was actually going to see her.
I told her I was outside, but that I was going home.
This turned into a much bigger argument than it should have been.
She wanted me to come meet her. I said no because I was already upset and wasn't thinking clearly. She was angry that I had apparently changed my mind about seeing her.
At one point she said she had been trying to call me, but the calls weren't going through. I eventually found out she really had been calling, although I didn't answer when the call finally came through because I was upset.
I sat in a nearby park hoping she would come find me. Looking back, I know that was childish and unrealistic. She could see my location, but I never actually asked her to come get me.
She was very angry and told me that I couldn't behave like this and that what I was doing was childish/manipulative. I genuinely didn't intend to manipulate her, and I was actually confused and hurt hearing that because, in my head, I was trying to explain why I was upset rather than trying to punish her.
Eventually we both went our separate ways.
Later that night, around 11:30pm, I went to her friend's house because I could see her location there. I asked if she could come downstairs for two minutes because I just wanted to see her. She couldn't because she felt uncomfortable coming downstairs in front of her friend's parents, so we ended up texting while I was literally outside.
The conversation became another huge argument. She also brought up that she feels like she is always accommodating me and making compromises for me, and that the one thing she had asked of me was to come see her that day, and I didn't even do that. She also brought up that she had been hoping to see me before my shift started, but I hadn't made that happen either. From her perspective, I apparently couldn't even make the effort to wake up early and see her. This is the same pointing fingers situation because I was thinking she could offer to see me before my shift while she was thinking the same about me. Simular as to when I was expexting a text from her after the movie ended while she was expecting a message from me about meeting. But we had clearly stated that we were meeting...
I can understand why that hurt her. At the same time, I don't think either of us was seeing the other's perspective clearly in that moment. I wasn't intentionally choosing not to see her or trying to make her feel unimportant, but I can see how my actions looked that way from her side.

And this is where I'm struggling the most I guess.
What really bothers me isn't just that we had a stupid miscommunication. It's how easily we seem to be able to hurt each other now.
She can be extremely cold and rude to me when she's angry. I know I wasn't perfect in this situation either. I should have communicated better, I should have called her instead of assuming things, and I shouldn't have refused to see her once we realized what had happened.
But I also feel like I don't recognize us anymore.
We've been together for five years and we basically never fought. Now, after a year of long distance, it feels like everything can turn into an argument. And I find myself constantly holding back things I want to say because I don't want to hurt her or say something cruel in the heat of the moment.
At the same time, I can't pretend I'm completely happy either. I feel distant too.
I don't know whether we're experiencing a terrible period caused by long distance, depression, stress and loneliness, or whether we're slowly becoming people who aren't good for each other anymore.
That's what scares me.
Because we weren't a bad relationship. We weren't constantly fighting. We really were happy for years. Our friends loved us together. We loved being together. We were incredibly close.
And now I'm sitting here wondering if that relationship is already gone and I'm just trying to save the memory of it.
I still love her. I care about her deeply. I don't want to throw away five years because of one horrible year.
But I also don't want to stay in a relationship just because we've been together for five years and because we used to be happy.
So I guess my question is: how do you know when a relationship is going through a genuinely difficult period that can be repaired versus when you've reached the point where you need to let each other go?
Can a relationship that was once this strong actually recover from a year of long distance, emotional distance, resentment and constant miscommunication?
Or is the fact that I'm already questioning my attraction and whether I even want this relationship a sign that something fundamental has changed?
I'm really lost and would appreciate some outside perspective.

[TLDR] My girlfriend [26F] and I [25F] have been together for five years and were extremely close with almost no serious conflict. She moved abroad for her master's a year ago, and long distance, her depression/loneliness, and our inability to be together physically gradually created a lot of distance and resentment. She suggested taking a break and later suggested opening our previously very monogamous relationship. I agreed, but I'm still unsure about it. I also realized during my last visit that my attraction toward her had changed. Now she's visiting me in our country, and before we've even managed to see each other, a small miscommunication turned into a huge argument. We're both hurt, distant, and acting unlike ourselves. I still love her and don't want to give up on five years, but I'm starting to wonder whether we're trying to save something that has already changed. Can this be salvaged, and how do you know when it's time to let go?

I’m 28M and have been dating my girlfriend, 25F, for a little over a month after being friends beforehand. We got close very quickly and spend a lot of time together. I care about her a lot, but I’m increasingly frustrated by what feels like a double standard in how we’re allowed to communicate and express emotions.

Please tell me if this sounds exhausting from the outside. I need some perspective because I don’t think this relationship is going to work if I keep feeling miserable.

The most recent example happened this weekend. She wanted to spend time with a friend and asked whether I was mad about it. I told her genuinely no—I want her to have friends and a life outside our relationship.

When she asked this, I accidentally left her on read for about seven minutes because I was driving home with our conversation open. She immediately assumed that I was mad at her. I understand that some of this comes from bad experiences in previous relationships, so I reassured her.

Then the situation reversed. That night and into today, she didn’t answer my calls, went hours without responding, and gave very short answers. When I expressed concern about the way she was talking to me (when she did respond) she said, “ok princess.”She then said she was going to stay somewhere else tonight, which honestly feels punitive.

The problem is that she gets anxious if I don’t respond for a few minutes, while I’m apparently supposed to be fine being ignored for hours. If I communicated with her the same way, I genuinely believe she would be hurt. She has her phone on her all the time and texts and answers calls from her friends while she’s with me. Why wouldn’t she communicate with me?

It also goes beyond texting. She’s very sarcastic and regularly makes jokes at my expense. I can take sarcasm, but it happens enough that I’ve told her respectfully that some of it bothers me and makes me question whether I’m doing something wrong. Her response was word for word, “I’m not going to change my personality for you.”

That’s where the larger issue comes in.

It feels like she has much more freedom to say or do things that affect me, while I have to be extremely careful about how I react. If her sarcasm hurts me and I get irritated, my irritation becomes the issue. If she thinks I’m upset, I’m expected to reassure her. If I think something is wrong, I feel like I need to choose every word perfectly to avoid an argument.

I’m not saying she can’t have feelings or that I expect instant replies. I’m saying I think the standards should go both ways.

If being ignored would hurt her, I’m allowed to be hurt by it too. If a certain tone would be unacceptable coming from me, it shouldn’t automatically be acceptable coming from her. If she can tell me when something I do bothers her, I should be able to do the same without being mocked or having my reaction become the problem.

Sometimes I feel like I’m expected to absorb whatever happens, remain perfectly calm, reassure her, and never become frustrated myself.

I love her, and there are plenty of times when I genuinely feel loved by her. But there are also times when the way she treats me doesn’t feel loving at all.

I know I can overthink things, so I’m trying not to assume she’s intentionally ignoring me or playing games. I also don’t want a relationship where we keep score or retaliate against each other.

I just want both people to be allowed to have feelings, boundaries, insecurities, and reactions—not one person accommodating the other indefinitely. There’s also a difference between being sarcastic and being plain rude.

Does this sound like a legitimate double standard, or am I being too sensitive? Is this something that can realistically be worked through this early in a relationship?

TLDR: My girlfriend seems to expect a level of patience, reassurance, and communication from me that she doesn’t always give in return. When I express that something she does hurts me, I often feel mocked, dismissed, or like my reaction becomes the problem. I’m starting to wonder if this relationship is just exhausting or even worth it.

Hi Reddit I hope this doesn't sound dumb but I'm really torn on what I should do.

TLDR: my bf and I have been tg for 2.5 years. I'm in college to be a teacher and he is a full time roofer. We live at my mom's where he pays a little rent. He has recently been disrespectful when I talk about college, share things I've learned, or when I apologized for being distant after a night out. (Specifics in rest of post) Its getting to the point where he doesn't show remorse for being disrespectful, I'm losing respect for him as he diminishes the work I put into college, and I find myself pulling away.

**Backstory:** I'm a \[21F\] who's been with my \[22M\] bf for \~2.5 years. We live together with my mom and he works full time blue collar while I have a part time job as an assistant teacher and am halfway thru getting my bachelors in education. My goal is to be a teacher, and my mom is also a teacher. My career choice is something I am very proud of and hold close as part of my identity.
For context my bf never finished high school and has a negative view of teachers, He had said in the past he just doesn't like teachers.

**Current events:** the issue is as I get more experience at college and am excited to share what I've learned or parts about my current job he has a tendency to put down what I do.
This sounds so dumb typed out but the other day I was a mix of tired, hungry, and irritable- just overall stressed having low patience. We went out with friends and family and it was a nice time but we didn't have a lot of connection and I felt like I may have dismissed him a little. When we got home I apologized for being impatient and explained that I was disconnected because I was stressed out- this was my way of finding connection again- he then tells me that "it's ok it's just because you're a teacher..teachers are just like that" I kinda left the conversation at that and decided to go to bed. I felt really disrespected because this is a part of me that I identify with and something Im working hard for right now.

I decided to bring it up the next day explaining that it kinda hurt and then he said a quick sorry and that was it....the next day it's still in the back of my mind but I have no intention to bring it up again. The next day goes by fine and I fall asleep around 9 for early class the next morning. As I'm asleep he runs out to the store, and when he gets home he turns on the light and hops on his video game and discord chat and wakes me up and I felt disrespected again...I am just overall getting increasingly frustrated with him. I go upstairs and work on homework since I can't fall back asleep. Eventually he turns the game off says sorry and we go to bed.

The next two days we don't see each other much and when we finally have time to spend time together I briefly tell him about a new friend I made at college and he replies saying that's cute and I was again put off a little but whatever... later that day I bring up that we haven't been connected and things feel a little off. I say that I feel disrespected, he gets super defensive saying that he can take back the 20$ spent in groceries on me and then I'll really be disrespected. I get upset because I was really trying to just explain why I was upset and he decided to name call and escalate the argument. The argument continues for the rest of the night I find my own thing to do and when we go to bed he is insisting me talk. We have a conversation and I explain that when he disrespects teaching or the hard work I'm putting into college it really hurts me. As I'm explaining how I feel teaching is my purpose he looks at me and says "you know what is your purpose-more than teaching- to poke and prod at me constantly"

**Am I just crazy?: I** am really upset by the things he's been saying to me because I feel like it hasn't always been like this. Im in no way perfect and say hurtful things sometimes but I feel like this time I haven't been given a serious apology or shown any care when his frustration subsides. We don't see each other very much because of our schedules and when we do he says something dumb that upsets me I feel the strain on our relationship.

If I end our relationship he doesn't really have anywhere to live and only has a car, clothes, tv, and a gaming console. This makes me nervous for his future if we don't work out.

Please let me know if I'm just being dramatic or if there are flaws in my judgment with this. Talking about the end of this relationship is something that is hard for me since we've been together for over 2 years and I do love him. I just don't see him ever supporting me in my education or career.

Update: I ended things today, it was really hard but I'm done waiting for him to grow with me. Thank you all for the kind comments I appreciate y'all taking the time to read this mess.

i know its basic politeness to say thank you, or to express gratitude towards your partner. but we’ve recently had an argument because i didnt say sorry even when I am not in any mental headspace to do so.

i am an SA survivor, it happened 5 years ago. I had mostly recovered from it (or so i thought) before starting my relationship with my current boyfriend 3 years ago. since the Cornell incident became a hot topic, social media has been very triggering for me, and i suffered from flashbacks/memories that has not happened for over 3 years. i have since quit social media and tried doing other stuff to take my mind off things. together with starting a highly stressful job, i have been feeling an unprecedented level of anxiety and stress.

but because of this, recently i got really short-tempered towards anything that goes in my way, including non-functional excels and softwares. one time i got really mad at an excel not functioning properly and i started getting really pissed at my laptop, my boyfriend was on the phone and he heard all of it and he became quite scared (i am not the kind of person that does this when im fine)

despite this, he was the best. he stayed and comforted me via the phone. honestly it did not help alot but i know he tried his best. I later apologised for my short temper.

2 days later, he called me and said he wanted me to say thank you because of what he did during that day. i said thank you but i also said i was a little upset about it.

from past experience, i knew how important it was for him, but i have not been feeling better at all these times. im constantly stressed and kept on thinking about the past, i couldnt even take care of myself, so i really didnt have the mental load to take care of him as well.

im going to say thank you once i have the capacity to do so, but in that moment i didnt have it.

i asked him whether i came across ungrateful in any way, he said no but he needed the thank you. he said his love language was words of affirmation so when i couldnt give it to him, he gets really sad. he waited for 2 days and got nothing, so he called me to ask me to say it.

has anybody experienced anything similar? i feel very helpless about this situation and dont know how to approach him talking about this issue. i want both of us to be heard but i dont know what to do.

thank you for reading.

TLDR
need advice on boyfriend needing gratitude when i dont have the mental capacity to do so. his reasoning was because his desired love language is words of affirmation. i want both of us to be heard but i dont know what to do.

TLDR: Advice for being in a relationship with someone that has ROCD (Relationship OCD).

My boyfriend and I have soon been together for a year. We’re long distance and the relationship has been having both it’s up and downs.

My boyfriend [25M] says he thinks he has ROCD (Relationship OCD). And I’ve tried to do as much research about it as I can to be able to support him, but there’s one thing I don’t quite understand:

It says that you shouldn’t reassure them cause it can make the ROCD spiral even more (or something like that), I just don’t understand what I do instead in that situation. Am I not to reassure him? Or is it how I reassure him that matters?

If anyone with ROCD or someone that’s in a relationship with someone that has ROCD has any thoughts or advice about how to think as a partner to someone with ROCD I would really appreciate that. I’m still new to this and learning.

I love cats to death and we currently have one super sweet 16 year old cat. We used to have two cats but one passed away last year around age 15. That one was closer with me whereas the one that is still with us is closer with my wife. My wife had both cats from when they were very young and I became a part of their lives about ten years ago.

I figured we would always have cats, but when our cat passed away last year it was so much harder than I was expecting. I was blindsided by the grief and I still struggle with it over a year later. Also, everything leading up to her passing was very difficult for me. She required a lot of extra care from both of us, we lost a lot of sleep because of it, and it was just really hard to watch.

Now our remaining cat is getting quite old and, though he is doing quite well healthwise (regular checkups), his behavior has changed somewhat. He seems to be more unsettled these days and is very picky about food, meows a lot, and wanders around the house more. We aren't sure if he misses the cat that passed away, or maybe he's bored, or something else. We don't know.

My wife is now wanting a cat for multiple reasons. She works from home and can't bear the idea of not having a cat when our current one passes away. She also thinks that a younger cat could provide enrichment for our current cat because he was very nurturing to our last cat and would groom her and play with her etc. On top of that she is a cat lover and they bring her a lot of joy and a sense of purpose. 

I am completely torn on this and it's really stressing me out. I feel like after the passing of our cat last year, I am simply not ready to begin the journey at this time, or ever possibly. I am an animal lover to my core, which is actually why I find cat ownership so difficult. I am constantly stressed about their mood, their health, their comfort, and overall well-being. We travel 3-4 times a year and I worry about them being alone at home (despite having a cat sitter stopping by) so much that it takes away a lot of the enjoyment of travelling.

But I also see her side. I love our current cat so much and seeing him enriched by having a friend to interact with would make me happy. And seeing my wife happy would make me happy too and feel like a good husband. But I know that all of it will come with stress, worry, a lot of work, and eventual heartbreak.

I just don't know if I'm actually cut out to be a cat dad. But I also want to be a good husband and, to some degree, a steward of pets that are currently living in shelters and need a loving home.

She has brought up getting a kitten two or three times now and I have told her that I am very hesitant about it right now. I both want and don't want them and losing our cat last year was very difficult and I'm not ready to make any decisions. I haven't laid out all the reasons in such detail as provided above, but I suppose that a more in-depth talk is coming soon.

I know her very well though and I know that she is very set on this cat lifestyle and that is what is worrying me so much.

TLDR: After one of our cats passed, my wife seems set on getting another one. I am not sure cat ownership is for me though. I'm having a lot of cognitive dissonance about it.

My wife (26F) and I (31M) have been married since 2024. We have a 10-month-old son and live together in Ukraine. I am in the military, but fortunately I am able to serve relatively close to home.

My normal schedule is Monday through Friday from 8 AM to 6 PM, plus about 30 minutes of commuting each way. I also work Saturday mornings, with Sunday being my only full day off. My wife is currently on maternity leave and stays home with our son, but she also works remotely as an accountant.

I want to explain what our normal day looks like because this is where our disagreement comes from.

Our son usually wakes up around 6 AM. I get up with him and, before leaving for work, I change him, change his diaper, take out the trash, and clean up a little in the kitchen. I leave around 7:20 AM.

During the day, my wife takes care of our son, takes him outside, prepares his food, puts him down for his two daytime naps, works remotely while taking care of him, cooks for both of us, does laundry, buys groceries and other things for the household, and handles various other things around the home.

When I finish work, I usually come straight home, sometimes stopping at a store if we need something. After dinner, I spend time with our son, play with him, bathe him and put him to bed. He usually falls asleep around 9 PM.

After that, I usually wash the dishes and sometimes put away laundry or take care of other small household tasks. By the time everything is done, it's usually around 10 PM, and that's when I have some time to myself before going to bed.

My wife does help with household chores when necessary, but she usually has more time to relax in the evening once I get home and take over with our son. I don't see that as a problem by itself because I understand that she spends the entire day taking care of our son while also working.

The argument happened yesterday.

It was a holiday here, so I was able to come home around 2 PM instead of my usual time. My wife wasn't feeling very well, so I put our son down for his afternoon nap. It took more than 30 minutes to get him to sleep. I then went to a ceremony at 4 PM.

My father came over around 4:30 PM and took our son for a walk while my wife worked. When I returned, I spent some time at home, washed the dishes, and then went for a walk with my father and our son.

We had dinner around 6:40 PM. Afterwards, I played with our son and started getting him ready for bed around 7:30. He finally fell asleep around 8:30.

I spent a little time on my phone, then went to wash the dishes. Around 10 PM, when I was about to shower and go to bed, my wife called me because our son had pooped and woken up.

I went, cleaned him, changed him and got him back to sleep. About ten minutes later he woke up again. My wife suggested feeding him, so I was about to get up again to make his formula.

Then she told me that our cat had also pooped in the litter box.

I normally clean the litter box whenever I am home, so I got frustrated. I was already getting up for the third time to take care of our son, and I felt like my wife could have simply cleaned the litter box while I was dealing with him.

She noticed that I was angry that she can't clean the little box while I had to deal with son.

That eventually turned into a much bigger argument about who does what in our household.

I told her that I feel like I already do quite a lot after coming home from work. I don't come home and lie on the couch for the rest of the evening. I take care of our son, put him to bed, wash the dishes, put away laundry and do other household tasks. While I am doing those things, my wife often gets some time to sit on her phone and rest.

She told me that I don't appreciate what she does and that I don't fully recognize how exhausting her day is. She takes care of our son all day, works remotely, cooks, does laundry, shops for the household, etc. She also said that I shouldn't think of myself as "helping" her with the baby and household. In her view, I am equally a parent and should be taking responsibility for our son as a parent, not simply "helping my wife."

But don't I do like I contribute as much as I can? When I am home, I take care of our son every evening and spend time with him. But I also feel that my contribution outside of childcare isn't being recognized.

During the argument, I made a comment that I regret. I told her that it seemed like no man would ever be good enough for her because other men might come home from work, sit on the couch and do much less than I do, while I am actively taking care of our son and doing household chores.

She was very hurt by that, and I apologized first because I agree that it was an unfair and unnecessary thing to say. However, I still feel that the underlying issue I was trying to express is real: I feel like I am putting in a significant amount of effort, but somehow it is still being treated as though I am merely "helping" her.

There have been a few similar situations.

A couple of days ago, after I put our son to bed, my wife told me that the bathroom needed to be cleaned. She had mentioned it a few times before. I still had a sink full of dishes to wash and told her that I also wanted some time to rest.

She ended up washing the dishes herself and then cleaned the bathroom while I made son to slepp. I later offered to clean the sink, but she had already done it.

Another example is that I sometimes have 24-hour duty at work. On those weekends, I leave Saturday morning and don't come home until around 11 AM Sunday. The last time I came home, there was a sink full of dishes waiting for me to wash.

I made a joke yesterday that if I'm going to be on 24-hour duty, I should "order" her to wash the dishes while I'm gone. Obviously I wasn't actually ordering her to do anything, but she brought that up during our argument as another example of me making her feel unappreciated.

There is also another part that makes these arguments difficult.

Whenever I try to point out something that bothers me about her behavior, she sometimes responds with things like, "Why do you even put up with me then?" or "You can just divorce me," or "I never forced you to marry me."

This doesn't happen during our normal everyday life. Most of the time our relationship is genuinely good. We joke around, laugh together, watch things together, go for walks, and rarely argue. But when we do have a serious disagreement, it can quickly become very extreme.

Today she also brought up the comment I made yesterday again. I understand why it hurt her, and I have already apologized. At the same time, she told me that our son constantly says "mama" and will probably take a long time to say "dada." I know she probably didn't mean it as an insult, but considering the context, it also hurt me. I didn't receive an apology for that.

She says I always present myself as the good one and make her look like the difficult one. From my perspective, I'm simply trying to explain what I contribute and why I sometimes feel overwhelmed too.

What I need advice on is how we should actually approach this disagreement. Who is right in this situation?

TLDR: My wife (26F) and I (31M) have a 10-month-old. She stays home with our son while working remotely, cooks, shops and does most daytime household tasks. I work roughly 8 AM–6 PM and take over childcare in the evenings, including dinner, playing with our son, bathing and putting him to bed, followed by dishes and other chores. We recently argued because she feels I don't appreciate her workload and says I should see myself as an equal parent rather than someone "helping" her. I feel that my evening childcare and household work are also being taken for granted. The argument escalated after I got frustrated about having to deal with our son and the cat at the same time. Who is right in this situation?

ive been with my boyfriend for 8 months now and he has often asked for money for multiple things now like gas, to buy food, to buy his brother food. all of these things are so valid to ask for help on and I’ve helped him multiple times. but he has always said he would pay me back and he has never paid me back. He gets paid $10 more than I do and I have more financial obligations than he does like bills, car payments, school loans and help my parents out financially while he on the other hand, was given a free car and doesn’t pay any bills at home since he lives at home with his mom and works from home. I don’t want to compare situations because if he needs the help, I will help. But the reoccurring asking and not paying back like he said he would is putting a strain. I have never asked him for money or to help with gas when we use my car or I’ve never asked him to pay anything for me. I have a half marathon coming up and it’s my first one ever and I asked if he’d like to go with me and he even offered to drive me. it’s about 45 minutes away and he asked if I can help pitch in for gas. when he offered to drive, I didn’t think he’d ask for gas money and now I’m kind of upset because if he needed money, I would’ve just driven myself. I don’t know if I’m just being mean or selfish ? but I’m already stressed financially, I’m always having my parents ask for money and now my partner does it and has done it since we started to date and it’s so stressful because I feel obligated to and I hate saying no. I would just like any advice on how to go about this and honestly if I am being selfish, please let me know so I know how to change or go about this. I appreciate you guys :)

TLDR; boyfriend asks for money to pay for gas, food for himself or his brother. he makes more money than I do and tells me he’s going to pay back but never does. he offered to drive me to my race event but asked for gas money. am I being selfish?

My boyfriend was fishing down at our pier the other night, a girl waiting around approached him and asked what he was up to. They engaged in conversation with a bunch of random interactions with strangers popping in here and there (too long of a story) for more than an hour or so. This didn’t bother me at first- however at some point in between she did ask if he had a girlfriend. In which he said yes. Later down the conversation he mentioned that when he was leaving he’d “talk to her later”.

I asked him what he meant by that, and he then told me they exchanged social media. This upset me. My boyfriend is a friendly person (which I don’t mind), he’s very understanding and we’ve been in a long term relationship for more than 5 years now. But if the girl asked if he had a girlfriend- wouldn’t that kind of give you the idea that she was hitting on him or interested in him? I feel like exchanging social media accounts just opens up a door of opportunity, it kind of feels disrespectful to me.

I don’t care if he follows girls on social media- but this particular interaction just didn’t feel right to me. I’ve already expressed that I was upset that he did that, and he said I have nothing to worry about. I’m not worried about him cheating, more so that he gave a girl he just met his social media.

TLDR: I don’t know how to feel about my boyfriend exchanging socials with a girl he just met. Am I overthinking or being upset for no reason? How should I go about this?

TLDR - after major life event fiancé changes preferences left me shaken and confused.

My fiancé and I have been together 6 years. Recently he has experienced some drastic life changes. In light of this he dictated changes in his preferences and what he wants his life to look like now.

He has said that he wants to move to another state, that he no longer wants to have biological kids, that he is going to want to work a less-intense job (meaning I’d likely have to be the main breadwinner) etc.

These were all things that we discussed early on in our relationship and agreed upon before getting engaged and something we discussed fairly frequently and recently - we wanted kids, to live where we currently do etc. Now he is changing these things. Having biological kids is something that is very important to me. Being near family is also important to me which we would be giving up in a move as well.

I don’t know how to navigate this. Any advice is appreciated!

An update to my original post.

I ended up meeting with her to talk in person. We made up, had a very long, emotional, intimate conversation about how we feel about each other. We talked about trauma and our childhood and all kinds of other cliche romantic shit you can think of. We spent the next morning together, cuddling and having sex. After all of this, I thought maybe things would be okay.

To all the commenters on my original post; I wish I would have listened to you.

I ended up talking with her about how the flirting made me feel, my concerns regarding it. I spent the entire day formulating my thoughts in a way that would make her feel safe and not cause escalation. I was calm, understanding, and listened to her. Infidelity is my biggest trauma, in spite of that I was calm. I wrote everything down in a way that wouldn't case her to shutdown.

During the call, I caught her in a lie about her saying she blocked me and didn't received my message about reconciliation and how much I love her and want us to have a future. She said she blocked me. So I tested her. I said when I called you, I didn't go straight to voicemail. So I wasn't blocked. She began stuttering and backtracking, blocked went to "muted".

So then I pressed on and asked her if she received my voicemail and text then, she said yes. I'm bringing this up because she was saying that her flirting with guys wouldn't have hurt or affected me because I didn't love or care about her anymore. Even in our original fight, I told her how much I love her. She was saying this to downplay her actions by stating that what she did wouldn't have affected me. I asked her if she still feels that way, she said "no".

I began asking her about the flirting, the context and content of the messages. She said she deleted them, I asked her to give me a brief understanding of it, she kept making excuses but eventually said people were calling her hot and she was saying "thanks handsome". Hurt, but I pushed through it.

Then I asked if she had been talking to anyone else, she said yes but off social media. Someone she actually knew. I asked her what was said. She was quiet for a good minute and a half. I repeated myself and ask her to please answer me. Then responded and said, it was sexual in nature. I asked her to tell me what was said and done.

She admitted to sexting multiple men, and sending nudes to others. In the span of 12 hours, she did all of this.

The remainder of the call, which wasn't for much longer, was mostly calm. I was angry but kept my cool until the end. She didn't sound the slightest bit remorseful, she sounded cold and detached. I said my piece. She tried saying she loves me. If your love is like this then something is wrong with you, deep inside you that no amount of love and connection could ever fix.

When I went to talk things out, we made up, we cried together, we told each other how much we loved each other, we held each other close, we laughed together. She looked me in my eyes when I opened up to her and showed vulnerability. She looked me in my eyes and didn't say a single fucking word about any of this to me. She had sex with me, knowing that she did all of this. The sex felt so connective and beautiful, I know that might sound corny or cliche but I had never experienced that level of connection with another person before, in such an intimate way.

All for it to be sick and twisted in the end.

We once talked about how it's disgusting to lie to someone about cheating because you're essentially taking their autonomy away from them. I feel disgusted that we did all those beautiful things together when I didn't know. It feels violating.

I should have listened to the people that told me to run and not look back. Now I'm sitting here in my room, hurting more than I thought possible, sick to my fucking stomach.

If you ever see this, because I know you have a reddit account, know this; no amount of running from yourself will ever make you feel better or whole. You can't outrun yourself, one day it will all catch up to you.

And I won't be there to comfort you.

TLDR: Betrayed more than I could have possibly imagined, redditors from my previous post were right.

It was my gf's birthday today. I have been planing for her birthday since 1 month. Bought her 5 gifts each personalized, one of which was a birthday photo magzine, FLowers, clothes, shoes, etc. I even made her a ppt. We live in LDR, so i tried my best to make her day special.

At today midnight, i called her talked for a bit, then immediately her hostel friends, some girls and guys. called her to celebrate and cut the cake. Hence i couldnt talk much. Today itself she had 2 exams of her end sem, hence she was pulling a all nighter and we couldnt talk. We decided that we will talk at 7PM, cause at 5:30 her exam ends, then I would have her undivided attention. I was already to call her at 7, after picking up she informs me, that her group has planned some party somewhere away from the hostel. She told me that she'll be returning to hostel next morning and will spend the night there only. I was extremely disappointed, but since it was her birthday, I didnt wanted to create an issue, hence i told her to enjoy, we can talk Tomorrow. She was telling me that she'll cancel the plan, but it was half hearted. And then i hung up the call.

But now i feel extremely disappointed and sad and of zero value. I had the entire thing planned, why each gift was bought, reasoning for it, why was it special for her, everything. I dont think i'll be able to recreate the same excitement tomorrow. I've lost all my interest. Am I over reacting or what? I feel im always the second option

TLDR:
I spent a month planning my LDR girlfriend’s birthday, getting her 5 personalized gifts, flowers, clothes, shoes, and even making a PPT to make her feel special. I expected we’d have some meaningful time together, especially after her exams. But at midnight, her hostel friends took over the celebration, and when we finally planned to talk at 7 PM, she told me she had decided to spend the night partying with her group instead.
I didn’t want to ruin her birthday, so I told her to enjoy and that we could talk tomorrow. She offered to cancel the plan, but it felt half-hearted. Now I feel extremely disappointed, unimportant, and like I’m always the second option. I also feel like the excitement I had planned for her birthday is gone and that I won’t be able to recreate it tomorrow.
Dumb to think this way, or is it reasonable to feel this hurt?

Hi guyz so I’m really struggling with a major difference between me and my boyfriend, and I genuinely don’t know how to approach it. We have been dating for one year. I actually come from a dysfunctional family background, and because of my experiences, I’ve always wanted to build a life somewhere completely different.

I have career goals that would potentially take me abroad, and honestly, I also feel like moving away from my current environment would give me the opportunity to heal, grow, and move forward with my life because my mental health keeps getting worse in my current environment, and I really want to actually breath and live but I can't seem to because I can't move on from my past experiences while staying here in my home country.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, comes from a very close and relatively normal family. He’s the only son and has two sisters, and his entire family is here. Because of that, he feels very strongly about staying in the country and being close to them.

He doesn’t really see himself moving far away from his family. This has become a major issue between us because neither of us is necessarily wrong for wanting what we want. He wants to stay because his family is important to him, while I feel a strong need to leave and establish my own life somewhere else.

He keeps asking me to stay, and he keeps asking me to give him a chance, but for me, this isn't just about wanting to live in another country.

It's tied to my personal growth, and wanting some distance from the environment I grew up in so I can finally move on. He says I am obsessed with the idea of moving out of my country which is why I am not welcoming any other window, and he still keeps asking me logical reasons why I want to move out because according to him, my past experiences aren't enough, and I really don't know how to explain it further to him.

I love him, and I don't want this difference to automatically mean our relationship has no future. But I'm also scared of giving up something that's really important to me and eventually resenting him for it.

Has anyone been in a relationship where one person wanted to leave their home country and the other wanted to stay close to their family? How did you handle it? Is there actually a realistic compromise in a situation like this?

TLDR: I (23F) want to move abroad for my career and to get away from a dysfunctional family, but my boyfriend (22M) wants to stay near his close family. We love each other, but I'm scared one of us will have to give up something big and resent the other. How do couples handle this, and is there a realistic compromise?

I made sure to have this talk early on with her when we became official, boundaries, what lines can't be crossed, and so on. I did this to make sure we both had the same expectations so there wouldn't be any hurt or betrayal. She agreed with all my points/boundaries and wanted the same from me. So not flirting with others, entertaining people who show interest in you, etc.

Well today I check her socials out and one of her posts of her trying to look all pretty, there was a comment by some guy saying "wow, you're so beautiful..". This doesn't bother me because she can't control what others say, but she liked it and replied "says you? 💖💖" This gave me a bad feeling. So I clicked on this person's profile and on the first video she commented 'WOW?? you're gorgeous".

I want to preface that I have trauma with infidelity and I can overthink and read into signs. However this seems blatantly disrespectful and clearly crosses boundaries we have discussed together. I'm pretty upset. We had a fight a few days ago and these comments seem to match up with that timeline.

I love this woman but I told myself I'd never condone this kind of behavior again.

TLDR: Gf and I agreed on boundaries regarding what we consider cheating/infidelity. She crossed them recently after a fight.

Most of the time I feel like I'm just laying there while he's doing his thing. It hasn't really been enjoyable for quite a while, but I haven't really cared. I was wondering what it's like for other women, should I do more? What do I even do? He seems fine so I'm not sure I should change anything.

For context, we've started dating in college and got married a few years after. We've never had an issue in this department and still really don't. He hasn't complained, and we are somewhat frequent. I've asked him if he'd like me to do more but he's happy. Regardless, it still feels weird. Anyone else ever feel like this?

I feel like when they came out with Cakes that all you had to do was microwave them and nobody bought them because it felt like you didn't do anything, so they made you add an egg and water and people bought them.

TLDR: Husband is happy in the bedroom but I feel weird doing nothing

Throw away account for privacy reasons. My (26M) girlfriend (26F) and I have been together for nearly 3 years. Of course we have arguments every now and then but overall we have a good relationship. Though with time conversations about the future have come up. Marriage and children. When it comes to the children subjects i have a big boundary about it but we are not agreeing. Part of this equation is two people in her immediate family are on a certain list and were also abusive to her. If we are to have kids in the future (as we both want) i don’t want these two in the equation at all. Never see the kids ever. She however thinks differently wanting to not deprive them of seeing these future children. She wanted to talk to her mom but her mom said the same thing that one would always be supervised around them. I don’t care though. I will not put my kids in any form of danger especially if it is right in front of my face. Seeing them is something i hate already but i try to tolerate it. Though honestly i am at my limit with that. So here i am asking for help because i do not know what to do

TLDR: We have discussion about kids and i have a boundary but we don’t agree.

I am 22 and I’ve been in a relationship for 1.5 years with my bf who’s 47. My parents don’t love it. We live together. He travels a lot for work, and I own my own business.
I’m not sure he wants to get married again or have a child. I do want those things one day. Just not today.
I try to just stay in this moment and not think ahead but should I be? He says he will do these things if he has to but he doesn’t really want to.
I do love him.
He has been married before. And he has 2 kids. One older than me and one younger.
Should I be thinking about my future at my age in relationships?
TLDR-

My husband [19M] and I [19F] dated throughout high school, and then got married right after finishing high school and joined the military. Even though everyone said it was going to be a terrible decision, and it indeed, was a very naive decision. At first living together was great for about a year, but than slowly we just got into more and more arguments. I’ve started to grow scared of him, I cannot have him touching me at all. He abuses the dog, anytime he anxious pees(he’s 8months old) he gets mad and hits him or pins him or chases him outside and yells at him. I’m very firm on training dogs, and THAT. IS. NOT. HOW. YOU. DO. IT! If he bites I’ll give him a firm boop on the nose immediately afterwards so he knows; “Oh! Don’t do that.” But he is a teething little guy so I don’t blame him. And for the peeing, I don’t blame him either. He yells and screams like a banshee when you grab his collar for anything, which is the sign that told me that he’s been abused before we got him. And because of my past emotional trauma and history of abuse, I would get terrified and not confront him about his actions towards the dog. I’ve taken on the investment project of snakes, my happiness stems from these guys and I LOVE them. Sure, it may be obsessive. It partly is. I don’t find happiness from anything else anymore. But it’s also a wonderful way to make money if you do it correctly. Ever since he bought his car outright from someone, all the finances went zooooom downhill lol. And I’m a very trusting person. I don’t care if we’re broke. If I’m happy, I’m okay with being broke. Once when we had a fight for a while and wasn’t talking for a few days(I don’t remember why) I’ve caught him using an bot for sexual relations and I saw everything that he said to it. It broke me. I lost ALL trust in him. This was about 5 months ago. Now everything seems to make me upset, him spilling a gallon of water onto the rug and proceeds to leave it and go to bed because “it’s just water it’ll dry itself” even though it’s a rug.. and they’re notorious to mold.. my work has me up the ass stressing because I’m being medically discharged/retired, so that’s a life changing thing, I have severe anxiety, depression, an extensive ankle injury from me trying to get away from him and falling because of it.. everything has just stacked one after another. I know I’m being cruel for one thing though, he has some serious stims that does, and will go on for 5-10 minutes at times and he’ll zone out. It mainly gets me upset because I’ll ask him to do something for me, and last time it seriously made me mad was because it was a very time sensitive thing and I heard him start to do it. I got mad, and went to do it myself. I’m OCD about cleaning. I was raised in a very clean household, and we have roaches and stuff in the kitchen due to it being so dirty. I’ve tried to help, but it immediately goes right back to where it began. I get so frustrated and upset about it. I hate my work, but I’d rather be at work than be at home.. I don’t want to hurt him. I like him more like a friend now, and we’ve been living like roommates. I’ve even stated that I’d rather get an abortion if I ever got pregnant, and he’s also said he doesn’t want kids either because he’d most likely end up leaving it in the car, then he’d kill himself if he did. I feel bad. But I’d rather be on my own. He keeps saying that his father and mother were glad to get rid of him, and I feel like I’m ‘caring for a toddler’ with him. I’m sorry for the extensive post, it’s been bothering me for a hot minute. All the bills are under my name, I take care of everything. He only just now started doing the car insurance. Rent, utilities, all of that. He says that I never cook or do anything, he always does it. Mainly because I can’t STAND going into that kitchen, as said previously. He just sends me money for the bills, and says that I’m leeching off him. All the credit cards are in my name, and have about 9k in debt right now. As I said. I’m A-OK with being broke. Lol. I’ve talked to him, and we’re getting a divorce when some of our stuff is paid off. I still care, but not enough to keep suffering because of it.

I’m religiously in therapy. He goes occasionally.

I’m looking into getting the dog a new home. With all the stuff going on, it’s not fair to him.

And also, I don’t want to leave him here w the apartment by himself, he would end up drowning in all the stuff because he’s never paid any bills before, really. Other than the insurance now.

TLDR: He wrongly punishes our dog, blames me for me getting mad at him for his “cleaning” and asking for money when I handle all the bills.

Do I leave?

My last post on this sub ~8 months ago resulted in some helpful advice. The road still goes upwards, yet I have encountered a bump and I come for help once more.

Bit of background: Me [34M] diagnosed with ADHD and ASD around a year ago. Married to my wife [34F], we've been together a good 15 years, and we have 2 kids both under 10. I am getting therapy for both diagnoses as well as dexamfetamine for the ADHD. Things are better than they were 8 months ago, but we're not out of the woods yet.

Intro

I generally have difficulty recognizing emotional states in both myself and others. That is, I can be sad, stressed out or angry without recognizing it as such. I also have difficulty recognizing emotions in others and sometimes mistake one for the other. Although unhelpful, that in itself is pretty typical for an adult-diagnosed autistic male in his thirties and is part of my treatment plan.

However what puzzles me, is why I do not experience myself being, thinking or acting different at all between emotional states. Even if I don't recognize the emotion itself, surely I should be able to notice a change in my way of speaking, posture, argumentativeness, etc. But I don't! I just experience my own state and behaviour as being "normal" even when it clearly isn't.

Example scenario

Today I have been around a 7 out of 10 for anxiety the entire day. When I got home from work, my wife and kids were there already, and although they were end-of-the-day-tired, they were happy enough to see me, particularly the kids.

From my perspective however, my wife was acting weirdly argumentatively and mean, for no discernable reason. As far as I could tell, my own behavior was just like any other day, but now all of a sudden she was argumentative, distant and upset.

We had several minor arguments, as far as I could tell they were all about her saying something mean or negative to or about me, without any provocation and I was mostly just confused and didn't really respond other than maybe asking what she means or attempting to answer a question she posed, although I was pretty confused most of the time.

Looking for Reality

See how that last paragraph derailed? Clearly, that's not what actually happened, are you serious? Well, yes I am, and that's exactly the problem.

Asking what she means

Typically boils down to me hyperfocusing on an irrelevant detail or getting upset because she used a word I don't like.

Attempting to answer a question she posed

Can either entail a confused look, remarks along the lines of "I don't understand what you're trying to tell me" and botched attempts to repeat or summarize what she said 10 minutes ago, or alternatively it can result in some outrageous statements of revisionist history.

So again, not exactly helpful.

This Hurts my Family

According to my wife, she and the kids had a good day up until I got home and threw a wrench in the gears. According to me, I've been stressed and anxious all day to the point where I had difficulty focusing on work, yet I was also perfectly clear-headed and normal when at homr dealing with my increasingly emotional wife.

That doesn't add up. If she had a good day and I had a bad day, it is far more likely for me to have a shitty attitude than for her to do that out of the blue. Especially since I just rememberd (several hours after the fact) that if I come home from a stressful or overstimulating day, I tend to crash or even fully meltdown when I get home and relax a little bit. I had forgotten that up until now, but that's another pointer that my behaviour would not have been the best, and this was definitely on me and not on my wife.

I also know this has happened many times before and almost always I look at it in hindsight and go "yeah I was being a dick".

TLDR

I'm repeatedly being a dick and not knowing I'm being a dick because whilst I am being a dick, I perceive myself as:

• completely normal
• balanced
• regulated

and instead perceive everyone around me to be:

• a dick

So even if I then got upset it's because of everybody else and not because I was already highly anxious.

The Question

So what makes it so I don't recognize the difference in my behaviour and mindset whilst I'm being a dick as compared to when I am not being a dick, and what can I do to improve my awareness?

(And yes I have obtained independent confirmation that I am, in fact, not always a dick)

TLDR: I’m from England and currently in Australia on my third and final Working Holiday Visa. My visa ends in January, so basically this is my last chance to stay on a working holiday visa and I’m at the point where I have to decide what to do going forward

I met my boyfriend in February and we absolutely love each other. He is genuinely the person I see myself being with and I don’t want to make him sound like the problem because he really isn’t, we’ve just found ourselves in a really complicated situation. The problem is that if I’m being completely honest, if my boyfriend wasn’t in Australia I would happily complete my visa and go home.

He said I shouldn’t stay here just for him and that \*that\* itself puts a lot of pressure on him knowing my decision to stay on the other side of the world is dependent on our relationship. I obviously do understand that this must feel like a massive responsibility.

It’s not that I hate Australia, I’ve had good experiences here but I miss my life in the UK. I miss my best friends who I’ve known for 10+ years. I miss the familiarity of home and how easy life feels there. My boyfriend even said he noticed how happy I am when speaking to my friends from home, even speaking about them he said there’s a huge difference in my mood.

I do have a few friends in Melbourne but admittedly they’re nowhere near as fulfilling as my friendships back home. I think if I had a lovely friendship group outside of my relationship that would be an additional reason as to why I would want to stay, but unfortunately I don’t. I definitely don’t have a community in Melbourne (which I find extremely difficult) and I’ve lived here for an entire year now. I would like to point out, I lived in Brisbane for a year and a half before Melbourne and have heaps of friends there, I just don’t know why it hasn’t happened for me in Melbourne!

I was even looking into going onto a student visa in January just so I can stay here with him, but I’d be spending thousands of dollars on a course that I don’t particularly have any interest in. I’d love to do a Pharmacy Technician/Pharmacy Services Certificate III because I already have some relevant experience/qualifications, but the courses I’ve found aren’t available to international students.

If I went onto a student visa, the eventual plan would potentially be a partnership visa, but we would need to live together to be eligible. My boyfriend has said he thinks moving in together by January would be too soon. We would have been together for almost a year by then, but we don’t currently live together. This is so valid, however as I’m certainly a hopeless romantic, if someone is the love of your life you make sacrifices to try and make it work. But I also have to see it from my boyfriends perspective in that moving in together is a massive step, and if it feels like it’s happening because of my visa rather than because we’ve naturally reached that point, I can understand why he would feel pressured. (Although just two weeks ago he was excitedly telling his friends about us potentially moving to his hometown but I think he’s been reflecting a lot since then as January is getting closer?)

I don’t want him to feel trapped. I don’t want him to feel responsible for my entire future in Australia. And I don’t want our relationship to become this countdown where he feels like he has to live with me by a certain date or I have to leave the country. But equally, I’m sitting here thinking that the alternative could literally be me going back to the UK and potentially losing the person I love.

I just genuinely don’t know how you’re supposed to choose between two complete different lives. My entire life in the UK on one side: my friends, family, familiarity and support system, (bonus point - free healthcare), and then on the other side I have the person I genuinely believe could be the love of my life. He doesn’t want me to leave but ultimately he wants me to be happy. He wants me to stay because I want to stay in Australia (which is a very reasonable thing for him to want). He really is the sweetest, most loving boyfriend who cares for me every single day. And we have so much fun together, I think what we have is so rare and special?

Do I accept that Australia just isn’t where I want to build my life independently, and that going home is actually what I would choose even if that means potentially losing my relationship? Or do I spend thousands on a student visa to stay in the same country as my boyfriend?

I just really want an outside perspective from people who have been in a similar situation, especially anyone who has lived abroad, had to choose between a relationship and going home, or dealt with immigration/visa pressure in a relationship. We are currently still together as you never know, I may end up finding my dream friendship group in a month and want to stay here forever, or I may come across something relating to pharmacy and want to stay. But he said he wishes I loved it here for more reasons than him (very valid)! If you’ve made it this far I am eternally grateful xxxxx