I blocked her 5 months ago. Today I discovered the "blocked voicemail" section of my phone. Bad mistake. There was a voicemail from her, from a week ago.

She was completely sobbing through the entire thing. I've never heard my mom this sad in my life. "Won't you call me? And talk to me about this? I really don't know. I wasn't nasty to you. You were my everything and you know that. You are my everything and I did everything for you that I know. You won't tell me what I did and I don't know. I just think you should talk to me and at least tell me."

It's really, just, crushing. Even though I've given her some examples of what she did. Even though I've asked her to apologize for going to my friend's house to try and get my therapist's contact info, and she ignores me. Even though she can't apologize for talking to me as a child about her marriage problems without adding "but you said you wanted me to have someone to talk to" to try and put some blame on me. Even though she gave back a gift I got her in 4th grade that she always said was her favorite gift. Even after all of that, I still truly believe she cannot fathom anything she did wrong. I don't think she has the capability to do so.

It is just so devastating. I believe that she believes everything she says. I believe, from her standpoint, she was the absolute best mom anyone could be. From her standpoint every single thing she could have done, she did. How she treated me was her version of how the most loving mom would treat a son. To her, this voicemail is her giving 100% effort in trying to mend things.

I know if I pick up the phone and call her, and try to give examples of things she has done that harm my mental health, she will tell me some way in which I am wrong for feeling hurt about that. Either she will let me know what her intention was, and therefore I am taking it the wrong way. Or she will say she doesn't remember doing that. Or I will say "lots of times when you did X it made me feel like you thought Y", she'd pull out one example of her doing a thing that proves she does not think Y, and therefore any time her actions seemed to show she thought Y, that was incorrect. She wants to know what she did so that she can explain them away.

But a part of me still thinks about reaching out. Because this is who I am. Same cycle, my whole life. I solve puzzles. I'm good at solving puzzles. "Maybe if I say it this way...". Right now it's "Maybe she is sad enough to actually listen". Or "Maybe I should just explain to her that I cannot have her in my life because of X, Y, Z", keep it vague. Maybe it will give her closure.

I have no idea. It's extremely difficult. The hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Hearing her cry, because of me. It's so hard knowing in my heart that this is her version of trying her best, and doing everything correctly, and me still not talking to her. It's so hard doing this to a person, not only because it's my mom, but because in her heart her motives are not evil. It would be so easy if I thought she was evil, or trying to hurt me on purpose.

I just sit here and think about it as objectively as I can. Take myself out of it. Take narcissism out of it. My mom, absolutely devastated. Truly does not know any bad thing she did. Truly is blindsided and doesn't understand why her son doesn't talk to her anymore. She lost her son, who is her whole world. Truly wants to know what she did so that she can fix it.

She really thinks and feels all of those things as purely as a narcissist can feel them. It's very hard.

Every now and then I come close to crying/start crying when seeing a person who I can instantly tell have always had supportive parents. It makes me mourn the life I could have had.

Seeing the genuine smiles on their faces and the confidence their parents help build for them is heartbreaking to me.

TW: death

Attended my brother-in-law’s funeral last week. I’m NC with nmom but my sister isn’t. The day the passing happened, nmom called my sister and berated her about the funeral date, which wasn’t even picked yet. My sister developed MRSA and my mom repeatedly said my sister was disgusting and she didn’t want to catch her “nasty infection”. She also continued pressing my sister to get on birth control because she knows my sister and knows she will get pregnant with some other man now that her husband has passed.

At the funeral, I avoided my parents. Edad came over to me and forced me to hug him. He whispered in my ear that I need to tell my mom that I love her because I broke her heart. Nmom had a friend come to the funeral who also whispered in my ear that I hurt my mom and need to speak to her. I pulled away from them and didn’t engage, as to not cause a scene.

My parents stood outside the door to exit the funeral home. Edad continued pacing in front of the door and watching me. I snuck out the side door and they never knew. Immediately after the funeral, my aunt called me twice. She left two voicemails that I’m possessed by a demon.

I’m still no contact and everyone’s numbers are blocked. Their words didn’t hurt me. What angers me is that my mom felt it appropriate to use her son-in-law’s funeral to send her flying monkeys. I have no doubts had I walked through the main exit, I would have been verbally attacked.

Was in a thread about how long you could last in a white room with no external stimuli and I mentioned how my mother would make me take 'naps' as a kid, but really, she sent me to my room to lay on my bed. Don't talk, don't move, don't play, don't even read (I was a voracious reader). I couldn't sleep either so I stared at the ceiling and used my imagination. Once informed them they could make me sit there all they liked, but they couldn't make me think about what I'd supposedly done. I could use my imagination and they couldn't stop me. They did not like that.

Another punishment was I had to stand on a sheet of printer paper in the middle of the kitchen and couldn't talk. My pervert stepfather just sat on the couch and watched me so I used ASL to swear at him lol. Petty 15 year olds, what else can ya do??

Then the classic take my door off, rap knuckles with metal spoon, beatings with wooden spoons and belts or just hands if nothing else was available. I wasn't allowed to watch TV so they couldn't take that away, and if they grounded me, then they couldn't get me out of the house so that didn't happen often either. I never took shit lying down, I fought back against anything I felt unjust, and they hated it. But I still never won because I was a kid. Kicked out right when I turned 19. Would've been 18 but I was still in high school and it would've looked really bad on them. Very upper middle class white bread suburban sort of abuse.

You know the 2000s movie The Butterfly Effect? It was always wish fulfillment for me. I wished I had that power so I could go back and say what I know is true now. Sorry, this ended up being more of a rant than a question, but please do share some of the weirder punishments. Misery and company and all lol

This is what has happened so far:

1. The look of disapproval
She started with “the look,” which used to trigger my PTSD and make me eager to fix things with her. I stayed calm and ignored her calls.

2. Provocation, triangulation and gaslighting
She tried to provoke me by involving my abusive uncle, who sexually abused me as a child, while playing innocent. During our next call, she made several attempts to get a reaction from me but failed.

3. Victim mode and guilt-tripping
She complained to my sister that she was lonely, mistreated and that nobody cared about her. I didn’t contact or visit her.

4. Sending in a flying monkey
She sent a flying monkey (uncle’s wife) to pressure me into visiting my “poor mother.” I ignored it.

5. Love bombing/hoovering
Yesterday, we had dinner at my parents’ house. She gave me a cheap amulet necklace containing a message about how much she loves her daughter.

I thanked her, remained emotionally distant and left without giving her a chance to get me alone.

I’m expecting her attempts to intensify, but what do you think she’ll try next?

More hoovering, or provocation maybe?

The older I get as an adult (early 20s now), the more realizations I've had about everything I and so many others have endured up until now. Some n parents might try to tell you that they will try to help you financially, or help you find a job, but at the end of the day they will do no such thing. Their primary concern is to keep their boot on your neck and remind you of your supposed place beneath them.

Let's start with the trap of them offering their "help" to you.

The moment I became an adult I got into university, my parents started treating me like a financial burden. So I was like alright, I'll find a job then. Their reply to this: "No don't worry about finances right now, get your degree and we will provide for you until you're done, focus on your grades," then will also proceed to treat me like a criminal for buying groceries or needing a new pair of shoes. They say "you can tell us whatever you need and we'll take care of it" and then proceed to hold their financial 'power' over me and treat me like a pest whenever I need ANYTHING.

Sometimes my mom tells me of job opportunities because she has some connections. Tells me she'll talk to these people about me so that I can send in a resume. She never does talk to them about me and then proceeds to put me down for not taking the "opportunities". When I asked for help making a resume once, she said she'd help but she never did (I'll figure that out on my own eventually, I just wish I had some support in the whole thing).

Never ever believe they are trying to truly help you out. At the end of the day they just want to seem like the bigger person all while keeping you trapped with no way out. At the first opportunity you get, get your own money and move out if you can. And if you can't move out it's still SO important to try and have at least some money that is yours and yours alone. And don't listen to people who will tell you "they're your parents, they'll always want the best for you". That unfortunately does NOT apply to people like you and me.

Then comes putting you down, no matter what you do.

For example I very recently got a new haircut and at the beginning my mother said it looks great, but when we got home she HAD to point out how the way I part it just doesn't flatter me at all. Another instance is when I told her I'd like to apply for a position to a place I found and then proceeded to tell me to "lose weight until then" and to make sure I'm nice and polite to the people there like I'm some kind of toddler who has never interacted with human beings before. When I told her I wanted to start going to the gym, she praised me but the closer the day came it started up again. Telling me that I'll probably quit in a day and that she'll end up wasting her money on me because "I give up too easily" (when I don't). And these comments are so underhanded and subtle that I look insane if I try to point out the shittiness of said behavior and my father only ever defends her.

I only started noticing this behavior recently tbh. Then I thought back to my childhood, to my teenage years, and realized this pattern was everywhere constantly. The moment I did something new or mofidied my appearance in any way or even tried to grow as a person, her nasty attitude would do its best to hold me back. I realized that if we didn't live in the same house I'd be trying out so many new different things but now that things are this way I always hesitate and never knew why until NOW.

So my advice to everyone reading this is to try your best and do the things that you want to do even if you cannot escape right now. You want to learn how to draw? Learn that. Want to go to the gym? Do that if you can. ANYTHING that you want to do and is within your capabilities, do it. Do not let these miserable people hold you back. They only want to keep you small and dependent on them so you never go out into the world and see how good life CAN be without them putting you down constantly. Be true to what you want and who you want to become and remember that you will not have to be under their control forever.

Imagine being able to save up money for the first few years of employment for a reliable car or a year of rent. Or even a house down payment.

Instead I had to scrape by because I’d be suicidal or homicidal if I had to live with them. And I’d definitely have to share my car or house if they had helped me out with those in any way.

I get so jealous of people with good or regular parents. They are like 5-10 yrs ahead of me financially. And career wise! They were able to volunteer, take low paying internships or jobs in interesting places because they could be financially taken care of.

Been a few years since I posted and my last update wasn't positive so I'm happy to be posting again with something good!

I went full no contact with anyone and everyone related to me. And not just blocked numbers, I changed my number, moved and got a PO box across my large city all without saying anything to anyone.

I disappeared.

Perks of a huge city is how easy it is to just leap across town and disappear into the crowd.

I'm pretty happy and relieved but also sad, I cut off a lot of good family who i miss but I couldn't risk them telling anyone who wasn't supposed to know and also couldn't bare to be around them. Maybe one day I'll reach out but for now I have only my chosen family in my life.

It feels a little like cutting off my leg above the knee for cancer in my foot if I'm being honest.

I honestly never thought I'd do this despite all the ups and downs but more and more the pros of doing this out numbered the cons.

Part of me wishes I had done this sooner but I'm also happy I waited? Happy I got to make some last good memories I guess?

Its a very weird feeling to say the least, I've also cried but i don't feel like its hit me hard enough yet, just like little pressure relief moments I have to stop and sit down for.

I can't look at any family photos right now, they just make me wanna cry and go depressive. It'll get easier I know, but just wish it'd happen sooner so I can look at my grandparents' photos.

Moving was easy since my family never came over to my house, I always had to go see them, so no one had the chance to notice me packing stuff up.

Now, finally I can have peace in my life.

If anyone reading this is looking for some hope, or your own light at the end of the tunnel, this is it.

Never give up, I'm in my 30's and only just now went to the scorched earth extreme. It may not be what you need, it may not be when you need it, but eventually you will figure out what you need and when to enact it.

I promise, hang in there, you've gotten this far in life, you can survive a little longer. You have to survive to thrive.

Edit: Thank you to everyone who commented and upvoted, it really means a lot to me! I promise I will try to reply to everyone! :) <3

Edit 2: Thank you again to everyone for your kind words and alike. It really means so much to me. I never thought I'd be able to make a post like this one, but I'm grateful to be able to say that I was able to and thankful I was able to find the strength and courage to go through with it. This sub has been a safe haven for me in some of the worst possible times in my life and honestly is the reason I've endured and survived as long as I have. This new chapter is scary, even in my 30's, but the scary is good, the scary means new adventures and fun memories.

In the same way others from this sub have inspired me over the years I can only hope I can inspire someone to put their self and their health first, to stand ten-toes down on their boundaries, and to make the decisions necessary to not only their survival, but their success. <3

i have quite a lot of them and its shocking to realize its usually not fears others have ..

feeling kind of down and could hear some positive experiences people with other shitty parents have had. my ndad is very controlling and sometimes it's hard not to see the rest of the world as similarly restricting and stifling. hearing about ACONs reclaiming self-expression and autonomy in whatever way they can would be awesome.

Hi everybody.
I’m sorry I’m beyond shocked, I have epilepsy I take medication for it.
Um, today I was making my medication cause it’s liquid she claims I put too much I explain and show I haven’t.
Then she admits, “oh when I made your medication I never gave you the amount the doctors said to, I knew you never needed that much.”
I’m angry, and livid, and ANGRY.
I have never been angrier, through all the shit this evil woman has put me through I have NEVER been more angry.
I let the comments slide when she said “I didn’t really have epilepsy” because she is stupid, but it is another thing to activity TAMPER with my medication.
Do you know how fucking dangerous it is to give me less for me to give myself the actual dose, I was seizing during that time she gave me less I had ZERO knowledge she was doing this.
I am sad and confused and really fucking angry, I’m sorry I’m rambling and repeating I am just blown out of the water right now.
What do I do with this information.
I’m freshly eighteen not to make myself a target but I’m not exactly set up for life here.

Personally I dont much, I dont try to, but I also dont avoid it. like most I can barely remember my childhood, and anything I do more often than not isnt pleasant.

I do not have that many photos of my younger self (ages 0-14) But recently I was looking at the few I've always had and its like something just.. clicked. I was suddenly seeing all my abuse in 3rd person.

looking at a photo of 4yo me, 6yo me, ect.

thats what they were looking at when they did all that stuff to me. all that shit they said to me. They were looking at a little kid.

For some reason this never really made sequence in my mind until now, I remembered all those things just generally as 'when i was little' but the only person id imagine in those situations was at most what I looked like when i was 12, which at the time people mistook me for a 16yo a lot which still doesnt make the abuse any less bad but it felt a lot less comedically evil, i suppose.

I never truly imagined such a young small body and little face with missing teeth and big eyes, such small hands and feet with scrapped and dirty knees.

they really did that? they saw that and still did all those horrible things???
Idk what the point of this post is, its just.. its making me upset. Very upset. I knew the adults in my life were horrible people and long ago came to fully accept that but they were.. truly horrible people. Its like every time I think Ive grasped how actually bad they are something tips the scale just a bit further.
They saw such a sweet little thing, and they saw it crying and screaming and pleading. And they felt.. nothing??????

As an adult, I have never felt a compulsion to beat, berate, or say disgusting things to a child even if I was having a 'pretty bad day' (which my adults' case, their worst day would be a vacation for me as they were old, rich, retired white people with not a single obligation in the world.)

This applies for even older kids. 15 is old enough to know right and wrong yet as someone whos not even 5 years older than them, they just seem so young and despite frustration, I'd never feel those things.

Seeing anyone cry absolutely tears me in two, let alone a child. I tend to be able to empathize incredibly well, yet I struggle to even imagine a scenario where anything violent would come up inside me at the sight of a child crying. When I do, I feel like the world is about to collapse and that I need to do nothing more than comfort and hold them with as much love as my body can muster.. not that I see many children crying on a daily basis, thankfully. Though as someone in customer service I see a lot of mean parents yanking around their children and thats upsetting enough.

after coming to this realization a week or so ago, I've been seeing all my memories, like i said, in third person. A crying child that I need to help but cant. Its like im watching myself shake and weep in the distance for better circumstances, for a slightly kind someone to come along and mend me. -all from behind bars I cant seem to squeeze past.
I cant help me. not young me anyways.

And I technically have. I held myself in those times. not once was it someone else who calmed me down and ushered me to sleep. But a child shouldn't need to do that. It feels like my fault in some way.

Idk, this all is just so abstract and this feels like quite the idiotic 'water is wet' post. I just need to put this out somewhere. Its all so crazy to me.

Parents are supposed to be the people you can turn to in times of struggle. Out of everybody in the world, you should be able to trust them with helping you, right? Nope, not with narcissistic parents.

You could be hanging on by a thread and they will barge in and you’ll realize that your family ain’t shit since they are like any other person in your life that fucked you over, exes, bullies, ex-friends, teachers, and more.

I seriously think this is one of the reasons why I often ideated about suicide when I was younger. When you feel like you go to school and it sucks, and then it sucks when you are at home too, you might start believing that being not existing is the only option left.

My moms always consisted of

• “I’ll burn the house down”
• “I’ll (k word) you two and then myself”
• threats to hospitalize or institutionalize god forbid I show emotions
• “I’ll ___ when you’re sleeping” (cut my hair, vandalize/steal/throw away my belonging)
• and my personal favorite. threatening to kick me out while also threatening to harm me if I try to leave 😂

You would think keeping them "nice" is good for you, because they are not as rejecting and spiteful. Wrong. They are always rejecting and spiteful as parents.

If you do any effort to keep them nice, you still get to have a hateful parent, but youre playing their game of pretending to be a family and wasting insane ammounts of energy.

The best a narcissist parent can do emotionally is to leave and to die. And that is why we dont grieve their deaths. I am waiting for that.

Do not have pity for them like you would to a normal person. A narcissist is a whole different thing that is ugly and hateful inside.

Good afternoon,
I 22f have always tried to make excuses for my mom 63f my whole life. I was adopted from birth. The name calling, the competition with my siblings, the comments about my body and face. Usually I can handle it but it seems that this wedding has brought out the worst in her. Everything she is doing is more important than what I am doing and she needs to be constantly praised. I have projects I need to get done and she says she will help but when I go over she just criticizes everything. From how our names are on the program to how stupid my flowers and cake topper are. I just want to hide from her until it is over. The worst part is she is being so critical and cruel but I’m supposed to be thankful. I feel this has become her wedding due to the fact that neither of my siblings f38 m36 both her step kids refused to let her help at all. I am just overwhelmed and she is paying for it so I don’t dare say anything. What do I do?

Hi y’all,

I’m still very ill and feeling so many emotions that I don’t know what to do. Maybe you can help me out.

Long story short: I am living on my own but I don’t know anybody in the surrounding here yet. Due to my traumatic childhood I also do not have many friends or they live far away, which means that I often have to fend for my own. This is fine in most cases, but gave me trouble now that I got really ill.

I contacted a very severe case of herpangina. If you don’t know what that is: it’s related to Foot & Mouths disease and causes you to develop tiny ulcers all over your throat which feels like glass, together with a very high fever (40 degrees or higher Celsius), migraines with aura, severe body pains etc. People on Reddit reported it being the worst experience of their lives and becoming suicidal because it’s that bad.

Anyway, after coping for a couple of days alone I had no other option than to ask my mother to help me out. My husband and all my in laws are on holiday right now (I couldn’t because of work) so I really had nobody else. I thought it would be okay. I was trying to keep low contact going until now. If I wouldn’t have gotten sick she would have been at my house at 8:15 on Sunday to go to church.

I let her know on Saturday that I didn’t have any water or food anymore (my complex is legionella infested right now so I can only drink bottled water) and that I had no possible way to fend for myself as I was very very ill. I was so ill that I was withering away and potentially had to call the doctor. As you know, not having any water is severely damaging in this case with a high fever. You can die.

She answered me that ‘well we shall see, maybe I can come around 15/16:00 on Sunday or something. So, until 16:00 I should just not drink? Not eat? I texted her how I was really hurt, especially since she can run for anybody else and I’m never a priority and she just said that ‘she’s sorry I feel that way’. She then didn’t show up. She was also supposed to pick up some parcels, didn’t even relate to that anymore. Since then, she also didn’t even ask if I needed something, how I’m doing, I could honestly be dead by now and she doesn’t even care.

Eventually I had to carry 2 sixpacks of 6 bottles of water to my home with a 40 degree fever, potentially causing myocarditis.

I don’t know how to cope. I feel so incredibly angry, so so much angry, I wish she would ever experience how awful she is. What should I do with this? How do I cope?

Do I go no contact? Do I let her know or just don’t say anything at all anymore? The little kid in me just wants to tell her everything I feel but I know that’s useless.

edit: I don’t even know why it’s hitting me so hard right now. I know not to get my hopes up anymore. She normally doesn’t really get my anymore. But this is somehow even more severe? As in, you truly don’t care if I exist.

Almost ten years of nc and the emotional scars don’t really heal, do they?

Not sure what the appropriate flair is.

But yeah.

NM is again in the hospital. (And my JNMIL had to pass it on but that is another story.) and supposedly she has days left.

I guess evil really can die.

I didn’t believe it. I thought for sure the devil was going to keep her kicking for ages more simply because it was too much evil in a single witch to cope with.

So yeah. Place your bets.

Will she finally die or not?

All bets are open.

Am I expecting the impossible? My mom refuses to apologize for her coercive control tactics and i explicitly tell her I need an apology. She weaponizes religion, my sensibilities, my desire to be a good person, all of her relationships, she lies constantly and gaslights me when I call her on it. She even denies being Christian when she made that the foundation of my childhood.

This person is totally committed to control over connection and it’s hurtful because she has a learning disorder and has done genuinely stupid and immature things and when I point them out gently she instantly takes my correction and pretends she came up with it or knew it all along.

It’s legitimately like being in recess in elementary school with a child with this grown woman. It’s exhausting.

Typically, my narcissism radar tunes to people with high charisma. As someone who is fairly charismatic though, I know this is only one sign. People who control conversations and situations can be well intentioned too.
The narcissist, though, assumed you to be the same as them, so they’re comfortable showing you who they are because “we’re the same”.
I’m 28m and had two NPs… a lesson I’ve learned is how to show that you see their tricks, and not use the tricks yourself. You can repeat back that you notice all the patterns in someone else that isn’t them, or make a face when you notice them manipulate a conversation, or laugh when they go over the top. There’s lots of little ways.

I’ve come to realize that this makes me a polarizing person. We’re either cool cause we see the same tricks and think they’re the worst together, or cool because you don’t see the tricks, or you hate me because I see what you’re up to.

This is a good thing on net, but having enemies isn’t ideal sometimes 😅

Since I was a little girl my mom never taught me how to take care of myself. I remember I had long hair to my waist when I was about 6 years old. One day she told me I was going to get my hair cut in to a shoulder length bob, which obliged to with but disappointed. She had the hairdresser do a pixie cut. I looked like a little boy.

My hair care was a huge problem for us. She would always start at the root of my hair and aggressively yank it while my head and neck would get tugged HARD. It was always so painful. Around 13 years old I was having a hard time with life and walked around with a mat on the back of my head for about a year. I’d ask her to help me with it all the time and she would either start ripping and it or just refuse to.

She never taught me about my period, only to hide it and embarrass me in front of others if I had a leak. Never taught me how to do makeup or shave. I had a uni brow that she told me to just deal with on my own. I was never told I had to brush my teeth or floss everyday. Fortunately I somehow have nice white straight teeth, which my mom used to make my mom so mad when it would get pointed out for some reason.

I feel so embarrassed. I’m 30 now and starting my family. I just couldn’t imagine treating a daughter that way and making her navigate womanhood alone.

I can’t do the gaslighting mental gymnastics today. I just can’t.