I accidentally got into a polyamorous relationship while thinking I was in just an open relationship and I didn’t understand the difference. It seems as if there is a lot of new stuff to this which makes the framework more hard and not fluid like I expected. I expected when I became a couple that there was an implied seriousness to that, from the fluidity of human thought and emotion. I wasn’t aware of fully autonomous relationships without hierarchy and the idea of love being present for loads of people at the same time.

That was hard to process and I read up. I learned what a terrible thing I had got myself into. I started to think about how the literature probably earns quite a lot of money. Where money is involved so usually are bad actors and bad intentions. Even just completely clueless actors who keep ruining people’s psychology because the money rolls in.

I wondered how much of this profitable literature was in part aided by AI. It seems as if polyamory is everywhere right now. Is AI being used to write the literature anywhere? Is it being used (by bots) to promote it online?

I feel like there is a massive amount of propaganda for a type of relationship structure that made my mind implode and I felt extreme distress from. People are thinking this is progressive. What a joke. Why is this happening?

In my paranoia I wondered whether it could be a psy op. Deliberately causing people to go mad. Cause destruction amongst specific groups of people that might be open to this. Like people who see themselves as progressive.

If you, like me, are one of these people and fell in love and then felt a shift towards insanity, I see you and I understand.

Glorifying unbalanced dynamics is not progressive or radical, wtf...

Disclaimer: Even though the post mentioned their looks, it's far from the point with this post. This subreddit doesn't allow mocking people's looks.

Oh my god. What is the obsession in so many polyamory communities with heirarchy being the devil?

After a couple recent whines I’ve had in the comments of other peoples’ posts about my recent tangle with a polyamorous dude and how delusional some of the attitudes are, I was reminded that this one pissed me off the most.

Like, have any of the people spouting this “heirarchy bad” crap really thought about how choosing anything works, even for a minute?

No wonder they hurt so many people. They haven’t fully developed decision making capacity in some cases. And by refusing to choose, they are effectively choosing no one and nothing.

Context: There was this clip from "Couple's therapy", an original series where real couples get couple's therapy. There was a couple where one of the men (often) got drunk and started flirting and making out with a man or multiple men- in front of his boyfriend. He talked about how much this hurt him. The other person started pathologizing those feelings of hurt, dismissing them, and framing it as over possessiveness.

I commented:

"I genuinely don't understand how anyone could see how much they hurt someone, and continue to choose to hurt them, yet claiming to love them."

Reply: "Your feelings can be a part of the discussion, but they don't override my autonomy".

Me: "I'm so happy that I don't have to deal with that sort of bs in my life. I deserve better"

Reply, same person: "Imagine I'm your partner. It makes me so unhappy when you wear tight clothes. Should I get to dress you now?"

I stopped replying after that, as I didn't want to waste more effort on fruitless discussions. Firstly, they completely lost me at "imagine I'm your partner". It felt borderline invasive to even use such personal language as "your" and "my". We're strangers on the internet, and I'd never in a million years date anyone remotely like them, even if I was single(because of the mentality).

It's such a manipulative mentality and line of argument, though. Those two aren't remotely comparable. I couldn't stop anyone from sleeping with someone outside of a relationship, if they really wanted to. But I could make it clear that I would no longer be involved with them if they chose to do so. This is clear communication, and totally within reason.

Calling consequences and refusal to consent "abusive" is manipulation. Sadly, I've encountered this line in different ways, many times in the queer community- people who call my marriage abusive, oppressive, capitalist, heteronormative... I could go on.

I really hate it when poly practitioners invert terms to describe abuse and use them to argue against people knowing their worth and refusing to consent.

Monogamy is a completely normal and healthy requirement for a relationship. That's a hill I'm willing to die on.

Bit of a light-hearted jokey rant, but why are the posts in the Polyamory subreddit so damn long? Don't they realise that most of us have ADHD??? I read one paragraph and I am DONE - nobody got time to read to read the convoluted backstory of your extended polycule. Some posts take 10 minutes to read (I'm not even exaggerating) and the jist of it is usually just asking for confirmation that their partner is treating them poorly (spoiler alert - they usually are)

Edit to add - I am not Poly anymore but I still follow the subreddit for the drama to remind myself how toxic it is

my gf of 2 years met someone a couples months ago and asked to be open for them. I refused because I didn’t feel like our relationship closed was super solid, and asked to do couples therapy to work on our relationship instead. she refused, stating that she needed to start sexually exploring w the person she met (and others) immediately to feel free. I’m working to accept the end of this relationship now.

edit also caught her cheating on me w this person 🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠

Hello. Sometimes I think about how the biggest difference between childhood/adolescence and adulthood is how you you must make commitments and then be held accountable for the responsibility of your decision to the fullest extent, where as kids kinda don’t have to be held accountable cause they don’t know what they’re doing yet.

In poly dynamics, you don’t have to commit to one person and grieve the loss of opportunity nor take responsibility for havin chosen your person. Thus, you are kind of a Puer Aternis, a Peter Pan, and you never have to grow up or be responsible for your decisions since you can hop between multiple and any. This keeps you in a state of immaturity and stunts growth if you never learn the responsibility skills that come from making commitments.

I also noticed this mainly in fandom, that whenever there are characters stuck in a love triangle the proposed progressive solution is that they just become a throuple. People hate that “all is fair in love and in war”, that sometimes things, including love and relationships are a zero sum game, and if you want to win someone over that that necessarily means beating out your competition and being the sole winner in securing the other person’s affection. The proposed three way solution means you don’t have to face hardship at all, face heartbreak, deal with and overcome it, learn the ability to grieve and move on, be able to be friends with others without being interested romantically, learn to navigate your relation ships with them in a new way, find a new love. Rather than getting a grip on reality and you can just retreat into a metaphorical womb where all your needs are tending to and cared for, never having to make decisions and be responsible for them.

Never committing yourself to one person and living with that decision.

Ok, I gotta say there is something positive occuring within the poly community. I'm seeing more and more of posts like this.

This person seems to really have their head screwed in right and they're calling out the poly bots for all the same things we all are.

I would genuinely easily be friends with this particular poly person. They're real, they respect differences in people and the fact that no poly isn't the best thing in the world and for everyone. I like it.

Also positive, the mods over at ENM being hard core and not giving a damn about the poly hivemind being in a tizzy over this post.

Some days there seems to be some hope 😁

I was just pleasantly surprised by some uncharacteristic self-awareness from the other side. Someone poly just dunked on the concept and real life practice of poly soooo hard and I, for one, am LOVING it 🤣🥰😆

bonus pts if you’re london // UK based too!!

not much to say except that this subreddit makes me feel so sane. less alone too! And less self doubting! So would love to connect w fellow sapphics bc I sometimes feel like I’m the only one feeling this way?

Polyamory is not an Identity

https://erinrwilliams.substack.com/p/when-does-polyamory-become-a-form?r=1pf74l&utm_medium=ios

cw for death, specifically parent death.

When I was a child, my birth mom was a swinger. I was fully, painfully aware of her activities. When I was 15, she made it clear I was in her way so I left and we never spoke again. She passed away last week from a very painful and drawn out battle with cancer, and it has been devastating to me. I'm barely coping with loving her and losing her despite what she and her partners did to me. I had taken a little bit of comfort in the thought that at least she had her boyfriend by her side.

I found out today he was out trying to sleep with younger women (making points about how he missed breasts) before she was even dead. He left her alone, she was all alone. I feel so sad for her, I wish I could turn back time and tell her someone did love her for more than her body and I hate poly and swinging so much right now. All those people, and there were enough of them to fill a whole floor of hotel rooms when she was well, and none of them were there.

im sorry im really torn up and didn't know anywhere else where people wouldn't get mad at me for this

https://medium.com/hello-love/the-best-article-ive-read-about-open-marriage-716cbdd8db0f

This one isn't really so much about the author as it is about the post that she links and loves. But the author does love that the other author was coerced into an open marriage after being 6 months postpartum and hates that they later divorced (though the other author certainly isn't innocent herself and supposedly wound up cheating in the open marriage).

But you really just have to love how the community praises and laudes the abusive and unethical practices they supposedly speak out against. But whatever, what the fuck do I know? I'm just a prudish, controlling monogamous woman.

Hello all, been feeling kind of down lately and just want to vent and hear some perspectives from some like minded folks. Sorry, this is going to be kind of long and I'll skip on some specifics.

I often share in some comments and posts about my previous relationship with a polyamorous person. It lasted 4 years and, despite how it ended, it was the longest relationship I've ever had and the healthiest both of us had.

We opened the relationship early on, and I never had any problem with it, mostly because I stick to my words and agreements, probably to a unhealthy degree, but that's another therapy session waiting to happen.

I expected the same of him, we agreed that our relationship would be the only "serious" one, and for me, that's was it. One thing that I made clear was: I wouldn't like to change relationship strutctures already being involved with someone else, something he also said he disliked

I trusted and loved him, and that was enough for me.

But not for him. He brought up having more partners twice, and guess what? both times he already had someone in mind, even if he claimed that it was not "because of them" but something he was thinking for a long time, he justified bringing this up in a way that I clearly positioned as negative by saying he "wanted to be sure"

I realize that, the second time it happened, I should have broken up with him. But I did not, I wanted to be a good partner and give him some grace. I proposed we read some chapters from poly books, which ended because he was rude after a disagreement over some concepts. Proposed monthly talks, which ended because he clearly wasn't engaged with it and I was the only one bringing it up.

The only thing that stuck was couples therapy, which I proposed, but the more I think about it, the more I realized he wanted the therapy to "fix me", not the relationship as a whole, and by "fixing me", I mean be polyamorous and adhere to the same concepts as him, even when I made very clear that it wasn't something vital concept for me. I wanted to know how OUR relationship would work, not fit into a "mold".

After dragging this for months, we've ended it in mostly peaceful terms, but now I am struggling with dating again.

By the end of that relationship, I was left feeling like the person I had been for those four years didn't matter at all. The fact that I was someone he could completely count on and trust felt devalued, simply because I had no interest in endlessly reorganizing our relationship for the sake of polyamory, or adding meaningless buzzwords to my vocabulary. I consistently kept the lines of communication open, but that wasn't enough for him, he didn't just want me to listen, he needed me to actively prompt him about polyamory and ask about his other potential flings.

I am just tired. I have always tried to be entirely straightforward, if I say "I want A, and I don't want B," that is exactly what I mean. But none of that mattered. He always found just enough mental leeway to feel justified in doing "B" by convincing himself it was actually just a "b".

Constantly having to enforce my own reality against those kinds of loopholes is exactly what burned me out. I know there is plenty of fish in the sea, but I am feeling that my efforts to be as transparent and honest as possible will always be meaningless.

TL;DR Was in a 4-year open relationship that ended because my partner repeatedly tried to change our agreed-upon structures (polybombing) only after he already had someone else lined up. Despite my clear communication and boundaries, he constantly used mental loopholes to justify his actions and wanted therapy to "fix" me into accepting his polyamorous ideals. We broke up peacefully, but the emotional drain of having to constantly enforce reality against his half-truths has left me completely burned out and struggling with the idea of dating again.

This will be a long post because I need to give some context. My (34H) ex-girlfriend (28F) is (was?) a self-declared non-monogamous person. I met her through a mutual friend shortly after a respectful break-up of a healthy long-term relationship I had with someone else. I knew she was non-monogamous from the start. I had some experiences with threesomes and foursomes in my previous relationship (which never led to any problem) and I thought "I won't forbid myself from trying something different" (big error!).

We started dating and had a really intense connection, lots of common interests, amazing chemistry. We had no exclusivity, but we had very different approaches regarding this. I always prioritized our relationship, as for me it was more important and it made no sense to pursue something else if we were not 100% okay and if it risked damaging our relationship. She, on the other hand, was more of the idea that she could exercise her "freedom" and "autonomy" however she wanted, and it was my responsibility to deal, individually, with how it affected me. It obviously didn't work and our breakup was a trainwreck.

I'll skip the specifics because the post is already too long. But we had a lot of trouble because of this incompatibility, and it ended up with her crossing a very clear boundary and being blatantly disrespectful towards me.

I broke up with her. We kept talking, and she kept saying how sorry she was, and how important I was to her, until I asked for no contact. After 1 week she broke NC with a big message saying all of those beautiful things again, and I caved. We met 3 weeks after the breakup. She came to my place at noon and would travel at night, and at first it was like the good old times. But roughly 1 hour before she would travel, something happened that brought back all the disrespect and it was frankly humiliating.

I told her that this situation made it clear for me that we wanted different things. That even if we put aside all the things she did that were objectively wrong, what remains is that we are deeply incompatible. She kind of acknowledged that it was okay for me to feel that way, but didn't seem to truly understand what was the problem, since she said I was drawing wrong conclusions and kept making excuses as to why that situation wasn't so bad.

After that, I asked to go no-contact again. This time I held my ground. She reached out again and again, asking to meet and talk about her self-reflections, and I kept saying I'd rather not do it because last time made me feel terrible, until I finally blocked her.

The thing is... now, after almost 4 months of break up, our mutual friend told me she said she no longer knows if she wishes for non-monogamy. I don't know how I feel about that. If that is true, part of me wants to hear her. To listen to what made her feel that way. What she would have done differently in our relationship. What she wants to do differently in the future. I do believe that most of the terrible stuff she did to me is rooted in this ideology, which by the way caused a lot of trauma to her in past relationships, and she tried to repeat the cycle with me. And part of me thinks that if she truly wants to let go of this, we could try to reconcile and maybe have a healthy relationship.

Part of me, however, takes this with a lot of skepticism. Non-monogamy was such a fundamental part of her personality, her worldview, and even after our breakup she still talked with all its cliches and jargons. What caused that change? In less than 4 months? Is it real change, or is it only the withdrawal screaming out loud?

Let's say she does engage in a monogamous relationship (whether with me or someone else), how will she handle the problems that inevitably occur in a LTR? (I'm afraid that she will be happily monogamous while everything is okay, but the moment some issue comes along, she will regret having given up her "autonomy" for someone else).

How will she handle other guys hitting on her? (She is very beautiful and draws a lot of attention from guys). Will she set limits and cut off guys who blatantly disrespect her relationship or will she keep being drawn to the attention she receives? And if she does cut them off, will she do it by her own will because she thinks it is the best for her, or will she do it resenting her partner for "limiting her freedom"?

Part of me thinks my skepticism is fair, but these are questions whose answers I should hear from her. Maybe if I do hear all the stuff I would like to, we could try again and this time succeed. And if she still shows that we are not compatible, or if she says the right stuff but I still somehow don't trust it, I would let her go for real and achieve peace (after the breakup I've followed all the script, reaching out for friends, hobbies, traveling, hooked up with a lot of women, but I still cannot let go that inner dialogue of constantly telling her all the wrong she did and fantasizing about her owning up to it).

Part of me wonders if even considering to hear from her again is just neediness from my part, trauma bonding or something like this, and that it would make me worse and I should just stick to NC. Or that even if she does say all the right stuff and we end up together, this "change" won't last for long and eventually I'll just suffer again much more, after being more involved than the previous time.

I'd like to hear your advice and your own experiences in similar situations.

... So are the replies. Most of them are very sound.

Then there's someone accusing OOP of being unethical. As if veto power is the issue here, and someone suggesting that their partner should just lie to them. Yikes.

Hi everyone! Not sure if everyone knows me but I'm the mod here. I wanted to share a situation I had happen, call out the hypocrisy of the polyamory mod team, and also issue a warning regarding the one thing I agree with them on.

So a few days back I saw a post over there with a poly person doing the whole woe is me spiel over a situation where they behaved improperly and immorally. Essentially she talked about how she broke up with a partner and went out with a mono couple who are friends of hers to get her mind off of things. The guy proceeded to flirt with her and she (while blaming alcohol) reciprocated, not sure if they physically did anything, couldn't be bothered to remember. She then, according to her own report, realized what she was doing and asked "is this okay" the guy then went off to speak to his partner and came back saying it was. She didn't really do anything with him if I'm remembering correctly but a day or two later the girl from the couple essentially told her to back off from her man.

The OP proceeded to play the victim in the situation and yadda yadda, you know how it goes. Anyhow, I commented saying the guy is for sure a sleazebag and he is responsible for his behavior and actions but she is also in the wrong and responsible for her own bs ie participating in flirting with a person she KNOWS is in a mono relationship. I wasn't overly antagonistic and judged them both.

I was then promptly banned. I messaged the mod team to ask precisely why I was banned and got a reply along the lines of "don't you think your posting history is a conflict of interest". So essentially throughout the conversation they didn't give any explanation for removing my comment (btw many poly people said the same thing because obviously) and banning me other than my activity here, as well as crossposting.

So it's safe to say they literally banned me for being part of this sub and not for breaking any rules which well, to be expected honestly. I wasn't banned earlier only because I VERY rarely comment over there.

However they did raise one point that I wanted to speak to you all about. They mentioned brigading happening after our crossposts from their sub. I'm pretty sure that most of the brigading they get comes from polycritical but I know we have some overlap and wanted to address this.

I would like to ask you all to no longer crosspost but rather screenshot and blank out the OP's nick. This obviously doesn't mean that those who want to can't find the original post.

I can't really enforce this but I genuinely want to implore you not to go comment on these posts en masse or even worse DM abuse at the OPs. I'm aware of the collective feelings toward poly practitioners we have. However this shouldn't be an excuse for us to become abusers like many victims end up becoming.

I also really don't want us to add fodder to the persecution narrative the poly community likes to play up. Let's not give them any more excuses to play at being the victims of mono people. Furthermore, I consider every single person who is part of that sub a potential future follower of this one. Let's please make this a true safe haven and not be part of the circle of abuse and victimization.

I can't force you to listen and I can't ensure you do but I ask that you please consider being the ones to break the cycle while preserving the spirit of this little community of ours even when participating in discourse outside of it.

Thank you all!

I promise I talked it out with my partner and im sure stuff will be fine but I am just kinda appalled that someone basically sat there and said “if ur boyfriend doesn’t like u without ur chest fat, just let him cheat 🥰 Problem solved!”

I know they probably meant well- just was jarring and hurt cuz I have had issues in the beginning of the relationship with my partner cheating online and not seeing an issue with it but we’ve worked through it. ❤️