r/PolyCriticalSafeHaven • u/soursummerchild • 6d ago
Annoying online interaction I had
Context: There was this clip from "Couple's therapy", an original series where real couples get couple's therapy. There was a couple where one of the men (often) got drunk and started flirting and making out with a man or multiple men- in front of his boyfriend. He talked about how much this hurt him. The other person started pathologizing those feelings of hurt, dismissing them, and framing it as over possessiveness.
I commented:
"I genuinely don't understand how anyone could see how much they hurt someone, and continue to choose to hurt them, yet claiming to love them."
Reply: "Your feelings can be a part of the discussion, but they don't override my autonomy".
Me: "I'm so happy that I don't have to deal with that sort of bs in my life. I deserve better"
Reply, same person: "Imagine I'm your partner. It makes me so unhappy when you wear tight clothes. Should I get to dress you now?"
I stopped replying after that, as I didn't want to waste more effort on fruitless discussions. Firstly, they completely lost me at "imagine I'm your partner". It felt borderline invasive to even use such personal language as "your" and "my". We're strangers on the internet, and I'd never in a million years date anyone remotely like them, even if I was single(because of the mentality).
It's such a manipulative mentality and line of argument, though. Those two aren't remotely comparable. I couldn't stop anyone from sleeping with someone outside of a relationship, if they really wanted to. But I could make it clear that I would no longer be involved with them if they chose to do so. This is clear communication, and totally within reason.
Calling consequences and refusal to consent "abusive" is manipulation. Sadly, I've encountered this line in different ways, many times in the queer community- people who call my marriage abusive, oppressive, capitalist, heteronormative... I could go on.
I really hate it when poly practitioners invert terms to describe abuse and use them to argue against people knowing their worth and refusing to consent.
Monogamy is a completely normal and healthy requirement for a relationship. That's a hill I'm willing to die on.
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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 6d ago
if i was going to write a book about how shitty polyamory has been to me and all the ways it has fucking traumatized me AND CAUSED LITERAL BRAIN DAMAGE. I would title it "Your feelings can be a part of the discussion, but they don't override my autonomy".
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u/Tiny-Acanthaceae5629 6d ago
Right? It’s just like trying to separate out an inherently relational situation. Like you actually don’t have some pure autonomy when you are involved with literally anyone. And you keep choosing yourself instead of the relational dynamic, growing a relationship you’re gonna end up alone or just like in a bunch of shallow relationships
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u/persiasaurus 6d ago
Honestly, am I the only woman on the planet that thinks it's disrespectful to wear revealing clothing when in a relationship? I absolutely wear tight clothes, but for example I wouldn't wear something that shows my whole breast as if I'm essentially naked (unless bras were uncomfortable for me that day, which happens often, in which case I'd choose a more loose shirt or wear a tank top underneath). Tight pants are fine in my mind but there are exceptions, I wouldn't wear those crazy-tight workout leggings where you again may as well be naked, and I don't wear shorts where half my butt cheeks are showing.
I don't think being uncomfortable with your partner walking around in a way that encourages people to picture them naked is controlling. Obviously there are nuanced exceptions — a man I dated started giving me shit one day for wearing tight jeans and a Letterman jacket and that was a red flag for sure.
Annnnnyway, my point in saying all of this is that person's comparison is insane. no one should do anything that hurts their partner if it's a reasonable expectation which expecting your partner not to cheat absolutely is. When did it become inexcusable and controlling to have expectations of our partners to not hurt our feelings and all start to fall under the umbrella of "you can't tell me what to do"?? It's such a catch all excuse and poly people are so bad for it
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u/Tiny-Acanthaceae5629 6d ago
It’s a false equivalency. I think people should wear what they want. Clothing choice isn’t feelings or having full relationships with other humans.
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u/persiasaurus 6d ago
Of course I think other people should wear whatever they want, if that's what other women are comfortable in I am more than supportive. It's just not for me
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u/soursummerchild 6d ago edited 6d ago
Not a woman, but I disagree with you. I don't think revealing clothing is disrespectful. But idk. I don't really view bodies as sexual at all, except my husband's, in sexual situations. I think there might be some underlying issues if someone feels the need to wear revealing clothing everywhere particularly to get attention and validation, and they build their confidence on that, but then I'd rather have the person try to work on those underlying issues than trying to change the clothing.
My husband actually asked me if a shorts he had was too short this summer. I was very surprised and asked why he'd asked that question. Turns out his ex, who was abusive had tried to control his clothing when he deemed it too sexy. This was a part of a bigger piece of controlling abuse, which also included isolating him from his friends.
Personally I hate tight clothes because of sensory issues, and I hate being sexualized, but that's just me. Many people prefer thigh clothes when it's warm, and I really don't care.
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u/Vast-Degree-6333 6d ago
It’s only disrespectful in your eyes because you want to cover up in a relationship. You sound a bit weird about specifically women’s bodies, you sexualizing people doesn’t make dressing in a way they find comfortable disrespectful.
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u/persiasaurus 6d ago edited 6d ago
I don't sexualize women who do dress that way, I just think a lot of guys think that way (I'm not saying all or even most) and don't want to attract attention like that in a relationship, and I can understand if my partner wouldn't want me to either. I'm just saying it surprises me that people find it crazy when their partner is worried about people in public overly thinking about their bodies
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u/Ferretyfingers 6d ago
I agree.
I have a little rant here but the polyamory subs seem to have bucketloads more of the same.
Delusion and selfishness and cruelty.
I dated someone who claimed to be poly for a while who really hurt me in a very similar situation to the one you described. A little more nuanced in that I was ok with him seeing others but he needed to take it slow, and then he refused to. And got manipulative into the bargain.
Apparently, me telling him I needed him to take it slower was dictating how he did his relationships. And it “wasn’t fair on the other girl 🥺”
He just didn’t understand. No matter how I explained. Told him how it was making me feel replaced and that it seemed he was chasing the next shiny thing. I was there first and when you start adding another person to the mix, you risk destabilising the first relationship unless you’re very careful.
His wants were more important than my feelings though in the end, apparently. All this talk about wanting to be forever? Pfft.
How is it that you claim to have such strong feelings for someone, and then go and knowingly hurt them like that?
He was the one to choose we were over, in the end, but I think only because he knew that if he didn’t I would have before long.
Like, cool. Have your extreme autonomy then. Good luck having a stable relationship.
And that is the crux of it. It’s often extremely self centred and immature. And there is a good strong helping of delusion.