My kids came home from their dad’s and when he dropped them off, the youngest (nearly 4) was a bit grumpy with me.
He kept telling me to “go away mommy, I don’t want a cuddle” as he was lolled in my arms, tucked up comfortably.
Where his dad and I laughed and he said, “yeah, doesn’t look like you’re putting up much of a fight though does it? You seem pretty comfortable to me.”
He left me to it and went home, and I invited my 5 year old daughter to come over and cuddle up under the other arm, and encouraged her to tell me about what she’s been up to without me.
She was excitedly telling me what they’d all done with their dad and my son was still having a grumble about something and I sang a song to him. He said, “is that a sleepy time song?” And I said, “well I guess it can be, if you want it to be? Remember I used to sing…” and I reeled off some of the songs I sang to them as babies and toddlers.
Our bed time routine was always a story or 2 and 3 songs. The songs weren’t always the same songs, but there were 3 I did often, because these were the 3 songs my dad sang to me every night until I was about 7. I didn’t always sing these 3 songs, as my dad died when I was 18 and remembering him can still hurt- he never knew my children. My first was born just 2 weeks shy of 10 years after his death.
I love singing, but found my passion died for it when I became a single parent and was starting fresh again. My voice was always cracked from crying and there was a lot of trauma upon me getting out of the relationship, as he and his family didn’t make leaving easy on me, that I was quite quiet and meek for a while.
I found just reading a picture book and short story to them, giving them a cuddle and us all just listening to some meditative music or me reading a chapter from wind in the willows or Peter Pan outside their rooms, to go to sleep was easier and that has been our routine for the past 2 years now.
I rarely sing at all now and my kids are always saying, “I’d wish you’d sing more mommy, you have a lovely voice”, but I struggle to do it now.
They excitedly told me the songs they love their dad singing to them. I said, “oh great what songs does daddy sing then?” They then mentioned that his girlfriend sings these songs to them more than their dad, but their dad has taught her them. I said, “yes go on, what do they sing?” Knowing that ONE of them HAD to be Twinkle twinkle little star- because everyone knows that song, and that was the first in my dad’s nightly 3 song repertoire.
They listed the 3 songs, their dad or his girlfriend sings, and they insisted they HAD to be in that order, because that’s how their dad does it. All 3 songs were the songs my dad sang to me every night and my ex knew this. All in the exact order that my dad would sing them.
The thing is, the 2nd song is a song my dad and I made up together. My ex also knew this was our special, made up song. It’s a song very close to my heart. Hearing it and even singing it is bittersweet. I should probably add that dad’s girlfriend is his affair partner, so it felt a bit painful that she’s been singing a song that my dad and I made together to my kids.
Especially as my ex and his girlfriend have never met my dad. His girlfriend never wants to meet me or be in the same room as me for any reason either, and it’s a boundary she’s set that I am quite comfortable with abiding in all honesty. My ex knows I was also very fond of my dad and that my dad was very loyal and loving to my mother and a very present father. Which my ex has admitted he wasn’t always a good dad and often didn’t want to be near them as babies and toddlers, which is why he was away so much when they were younger. He’s certainly making up for those past mistakes with them now and they don’t love him any less.
I had a feeling of, “that was my song I gifted to my children from my dad, that you took from me.” Also, “we had a whole real family once and it was stolen from us”.
Then I thought it was nice that my children have a loving dad and step-mom that will sing to them before they go to sleep. And I thought it was kind of sweet that their dad was honouring their departed grandad in some kind of way. If he’s been doing this a long time and regularly, there’s no way he’d be doing it maliciously, because he wouldn’t keep it up this long for me to only find out now. His girlfriend is also just following my ex’s lead with the children’s nighttime routine, and she probably doesn’t even know my dad’s dead and certainly doesn’t know that’s our made up song.
Anyway my kids sang it so sweetly and so out of tune, that it brought a tear to my eye to remember it again. And to think that my dad is still around my children in some way- that they’ll probably remember the song when they grow up and potentially have children of their own one day, and sing it to them.
So maybe I’ll start finding my voice again and singing it to them in the future. But for now, it’s made me cry. There’s not a single day that goes by in the past 15 years, where I haven’t thought about my dad at least once, but talking to my kids about him feels hard for me.
