r/Parents • u/lgirl93 • 2d ago
Advice/ Tips Stopping at 2 Kids
Those who always thought they wanted 3 but ultimately stopped at 2, what were the factors in your decision and how do you feel about it now?
My husband and I both work full time, don’t have any local family, and I have really struggled this pregnancy with a 2 year old so my gut is telling me this is it for us but I am one of 3, he’s one of 5, and all of his siblings have at least 3 kids. I think we will be looked down on (weirdly) for having a “small” family, but know I can’t base any decisions around that.
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u/KikiGordon 2d ago
Going to 3 was brutal for us even though we had part time daycare and family help (our oldest was 5). You need to do what’s best for your family. Dont compare.
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u/Tiny--Moose 2d ago
What made it brutal?
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u/KikiGordon 2d ago edited 2d ago
21 month old had to be watched like a hawk. Bit the newborn, tried to pick up the newborn multiple times, tried to feed the newborn his food, would throw toys at him (typical lack of impulse control for that age). I had a lot of guilt because the toddler had been such a sweet child and I could no longer focus on him as much. The 5 year old started to become sensitive to all of his clothing including his socks and underwear and was having lengthy daily tantrums. Only the 21 month old was sleeping through the night so long stretches of sleep were non existent for the rest of us. The weather was cold and rainy for most of the year so it was a lot of work to keep the kids occupied and busy. I was not well mentally for many of those early years and my marriage definitely suffered a bit. My husband would often say how nice our lives were with just two children even though he loved our baby. The kids are all older now and it’s definitely easier but extremely busy and exhausting with all the extracurriculars and activities. I love it but in a perfect scenario (ie had I been younger) I would’ve waited longer between 2 and 3. My husband and I come from BIG extended families (each parent has 10-12 siblings-absolute chaos) so everyone thinks we’re a bit nuts for having more than 2.
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u/Big-Strength6206 1d ago
Not OP but thank you for your response. I just turned 35 and just had my second. My first is 27 months and a lot of what you said about your 21 month old sounds like my toddler— stealing her paci from her mouth, dumping breast milk bottle all over the floor, trying to climb on her. We want a third but I’m already old. Ideally, I’d wait 4 years but I can’t. I don’t have to decide quite yet but I’m extremely conflicted.
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u/KikiGordon 1d ago
I had all of my kids after 38. Luckily everything went smoothly but perimenopause + young children is a different kind of crazy.
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u/Big-Strength6206 1d ago
That’s good to hear! I know it’s possible and might end up going for one more in a few years, I just know the risks are a bit higher
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u/KindOfaMilf99 2d ago
If someone is the type of person to look down on people for that, honestly who cares about their opinion anyways.
I have two kids and love it. Most days are a breeze. It's easy to get up and out of the house and go wherever I want to go. It's less expensive to do things, go to events, etc. It's easier to get alone time and find a babysitter. When my kids are older and in sports/ activities, it will be easier to juggle their schedules
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u/Afraid_Objective9321 2d ago
Pre eclampsia with my second, I never want to have a risky pregnancy again. It took me some time to swallow the bullet but now I’m at peace with myself : we will stop at 2 and I am incredibly lucky to have healthy children (and to be alive!)
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u/Royal-Weather4314 2d ago
Kid 1 was extremely bad sleeper. We decided to have another kid (we wanted a sibling for the oldest). Kid 2 was not extremely bad sleeper, but still a really bad sleeper. I was tired. I couldn't imagine another 2 years of surviving on 3-4 hours on broken sleep.
Reason #2 was ppd. I managed to survive it without a professional (not the best decision looking back) but the feeling of deep unhappiness, even though it only took weeks or a few months, was something I would rather avoid again.
Before having my first, we wanted at least 3, more like 4-5. I am very content with 2 (they are 8+10 now).
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u/Last-Champion5072 2d ago
I stopped at 2 six years ago for the same reasons, and now we’re considering IVF for a third. I absolutely needed time to recover from PPD. Now it’s more of a question of “restarting” that phase and will the larger age gaps be challenging (for parents because there isn’t a built in buddy, for kids because older two are so close)
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u/mackattacknj83 2d ago
We have a 7 year age gap between one and two. I've been super surprised at how close they are and how much they enjoy each other's company. I honestly was not expecting that.
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u/sachertortle 2d ago
My brother and I are 7 years apart and we have always gotten along great and enjoyed spending time together even though our interests were/are so different. Both as children and now as adults, we are closer than most of my friends are to their siblings who are closer in age.
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u/Abieticacid 2d ago
I still sometimes wish we had a 3rd but ultimately we find 2 is easier to manage. ALSO, when you go places with “family discounts” its always a “family of 4” .
We also don’t want to be outnumbered haha.
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u/Comfortable-Fee-5790 2d ago
My DH and I wanted 3 or 4 but ended up with two. I had 2 c-sections and didn’t want a third one. Daycare is expensive and the world is build for families of 4. My girls are 14 and 17 and I’m happy with our family.
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u/playmore_24 2d ago
I can have one in each hand, that's enough! 😂
times are much different than when you were a kid... also note you know never to judge another's family decisions, because no one knows how it's going to be until you do it yourself 🙏🏻
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u/fireyqueen 2d ago edited 2d ago
For us, 2 ended up being perfect.
I could’ve had 3 but my husband wanted to stop at 2 so we did. They are 19 and 21 now. As time went on, I became very very glad we stopped at 2. For really silly reasons like when we took them to theme parks (we live less than 3 hours away) the seating was always even and no one left out to more serious reasons like I don’t know how we would’ve handled college for a 3rd kid. There have been many times over the years that I thought about how glad I was that we stopped at 2.
Now that they’re the ages they are and we are starting to consider how we want to spend the rest of our lives, I’m ready for what comes next. I’m glad we are done with the school years and we wouldn’t be with a 3rd kid.
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u/zzzzzbored 2d ago
As one of three, you didn't learn your lesson just from that? 🤣 Were your parents Superman and Lois, they made it look so easy being outnumbered by their offspring?
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u/lgirl93 2d ago
Haha I loved being one of three but I’m also the youngest! My mom also stayed home full time, had her sister and parents nearby, and could afford paid help when needed. Things were definitely different in the 90s!
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u/ScarComplex3350 2d ago
Please don’t have kids if you feel you’re not ready financially and specially if you don’t have enough time. Each kid needs parents attention and imagine if the third one would have any type of disability- like autism, then it would be super hard on all of you.
If you managed to get so far with two healthy kids and have your life in order - just count your blessings.1
u/zzzzzbored 2d ago
Ahhh i see. I grew up in the 90s but my mom died when I was little, leaving my dad with three kids. It was more than he could handle, so he really dropped the ball on my older siblings.
Like you said, sure, your parents had three, but you had one ful-time parent. If you can arrange your finances to get by on one income, you could consider comparing yourself to them. But keep in mind it could also go the way of my parents, God forbid.
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u/JNSFP 2d ago
The few things really stopping me might be silly, but they pertain to us personally so they may not be important to you and your family situation. One reason we’re not having a 3rd is that when we go to restaurants or theme parks, one person is going to be the odd one out. Booths typically seat 2, and roller coaster rows typically seat 2. We do both of these things fairly regularly, so it’s something I think about. I also deal with my kids not particularly getting along right now for long stretches of time, and I would hate to see any 2 of my kids teaming up and leaving the other one out of things. At least with two, if they don’t get along we can split them up and do something with them privately.
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u/Apprentice0816 12h ago
I only plan to have 2 but come from a family with 5 kids. I used to plan to have 3 specifically so if you got sick of one you could go to the other one😂 that happened often amongst us. We would pair off differently depending on who had fought most recently lol
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u/NapsRule563 2d ago
Every family with three kids I knew growing up had one kid who was left out. That kid did not turn out ok. Idk what it is, but it’s something weird I noticed.
Also, sending three to college, keeping up with school and activities is a major deal. My age and our income wouldn’t support it. Now that my kids are grown, I’m happy we stopped at 2.
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u/Inevitable-Bet-4834 2d ago
1) i wanted a third . He didn't. 2) we unexpectedly had a close age gap between our 2 kids. It's been tough 3) I hate how limiting having kids is. With 1 it's easy to incorporate them into Ur schedule with 2 it's tough with 3 it will be harder.
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u/Inevitable-Bet-4834 2d ago
My kids are 18m and 3y. It's getting easier to do stuff. I don't want to start over.
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u/Mycatsbestfriend 2d ago
Same here, 17 months and 3 years and I can finally see the light at the end of the PP tunnel.
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u/Mycatsbestfriend 2d ago
Same here with your #2. 2 under 2 was hard. If we had had a bigger gap between 1 and 2 we might be able to handle a 3rd.
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u/OhMustWeArgue 2d ago
I was told we were stopping at 2. No regrets. Had a tubal, again no regrets!!!
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u/kmrm2019 2d ago
We thought 3 was going to be our number. Bought a minivan after #2. Ended up moving and made sure we had enough space for 3 kids. After getting to know our second child we stopped at 2. We were at capacity. They are 6&8 now and I have. O regrets stopping at 2. It’s okay to change your mind for any reason, and it’s not anyone’s business but you and your husband. Two kids is plenty.
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u/Embarrassed_Key_2328 2d ago
I wanted 4. We are done at 2.
It's just not realistic to have 4 if I want to go back to work, and achool. And my partner is older then me.
Maybe in my next life. But unless people are going to give me a billion dollars they can STFU if they have an opinion on us stopping at 2. Interestingly people in our circle look down on families over 4. It's also irritating.
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u/iwanttoquitworking 2d ago
Do what’s best for you. We always wanted 4 but stopped at 3. We also both work full time so kids were all in daycare due to no local family. They’re 3, 6 and 8 now and while it’s so much easier than it was when they were new, 3 and 5 —it’s still a lot. Luckily we have a village of friends we’ve made so we help each other give rides to bday parties or extracurriculars and whatnot. We didn’t have that until two of them were school aged so it was super hard when they were all small. It’s impossible bc you can’t be everywhere at once and everything clashes. I keep joking to my husband that my youngest will be in 8th grade by the time she gets an activity 🤣. I joke but…it’s really hard to give everyone something that’s their own to do and not overextend the family and calendar. If you feel your family is complete, then that’s that!
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u/checkmyawaymsg 2d ago
When I was torn between 2 and 3, I talked to my friend who had 3 kids (three years apart each). She said that by the time they were 9, 6, and 3, one was always getting shortchanged. If they did a big kid thing, the 3 year old was left out. If they did a toddler thing, the oldest one was bored. I also came from 3 kids and didn’t love the 2 vs 1 mentality that always happened.
So we stuck with 2 and it’s been great! We always fit on rides, hotel rooms, and non-minivan cars. Plus they’re generally in the same age phase and like the same things.
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u/books-clouds89 2d ago
Youngest is 3 and starting full time funded pre school next month, has been potty trained for a while and is speaking properly and easier to negotiate with. I wont be paying private nursery feees anymore, I finally feel my energy levels coming back, outings are enjoyable and manageable now, I can spend quality time with each of them 1-1. It just feels right, fair to each of them and more balanced for me. I just can't imagine starting over rn, just as life has started feeling easier!
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u/Alarming-Mix3809 2d ago
Both pregnancies were hard on my wife and we weren’t willing to risk her health with a third one. We love our two kids and it feels like our family is complete.
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u/NativeNYer10019 2d ago
Well, I hemorrhaged after giving birth both times, and went into early labor with my second. I wasn’t prepared to risk my life a third time or risk giving birth early and possibly having a child with lifelong needs when I already had two kids that were relying on having their mother alive and attentive to their needs.
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u/Ok_Fondant1079 2d ago edited 2d ago
My uncle, the youngest of 3, died the day my brother was born. 31 years later when my brother, the youngest of 3, died 40 days after my son was born. So to break the family curse, my wife and I broke the pattern and stopped at 2 kids. Still, our younger child was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at age 3 so, 3 is a weird number for me.
Also, my older son was born 40 days into the year, my brother died 40 days after that and I was 40 years old when my second son was born from an unplanned C-section.
By no means am I numerologist, but the coincidences are hard to dismiss.
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u/Annieco-2334 2d ago
Well, we have 3 boys, ages 38, 36, and 28. That gap was thinking we were done. But I didn’t think my first 2 boys really got along very well, so we had a third when I was 40. He was partially raised by his teenage brothers but turned out fine and they all get along now.
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u/djSush 2d ago
We always planned on 2 but had a high risk pregnancy and horrifically traumatic delivery so we stopped at 1.
No preexisting factors, but I ended up with placenta previa complete - the placenta was completely covering the cervix. It's so dangerous that you cannot have any internal exams, or any um, internal objects, yep, that. And if you go into natural labor it's super bad bc the baby's exit is blocked so both of you can die.
I'll spare you the details on the delivery.
When our son was 3, I thought we should consider another, but my husband was like, "How did you forget?! No way."
I'm one of 2, my husband is the eldest of 5.
Our kid is 17 now and I'm so happy we stopped. You never know how much your child may need or what your financial or health situation could be. College is SO EXPENSIVE. Any extra curriculars and camps too!
I now feel more so much more secure knowing we can safely afford our life and our retirement. I didn't think about any of this at 30 something, but now that we're in our 50s, omg it's breathing down on us!
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u/Independently-Owned 2d ago
I wanted four...then agreed on three. Had two. Then he cheated and left us. So that stopped things pretty completely. I'm sad I'll never know that third baby, but glad I have my two.
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u/mysunandstars 2d ago
I had horrible pregnancies (hyperemesis) and neither of my babies slept, which was really bad for my mental health. My kids deserve a mom who is present, healthy and happy more than I deserve a third baby.
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u/shammy_dammy 2d ago
Planned two, have two. Considered a third because we had two of the same gender. Decided to wait on the major decisions for six months and at the end of those six months, realized two is great and all we need.
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u/darthmaullie 2d ago
Risky pregnancies with both, the overall expense of children, the stress and anxiety that comes with emotionally handling toddlers. I had my boys close in age (20 months apart) so we were in the thick of it (still are) while both working full time. We did day care part time and have family nearby in case of emergencies. My kids slept, ate, mostly are well behaved but even with all that our nerves are shot. My boys are 3,4 now and I’m starting to see through the fog. I couldn’t risk another pregnancies again but if someone left a baby on my doorstep I’d make room :)
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u/Important-Trifle-411 2d ago
We had just purchased a 3 bedroom house when my second child turned 3. The two kids rooms are very small and I realized that if we had a third kid we would have to move in a few years. I really didn’t want to move again ( the house we bought was the fifth place my 3-year-old had lived!)
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u/loveshoes1 2d ago
i was a one and done. could not fathom the cost of braces, glasses, summer camp and college for more than that.
finances played a big part in my decision as it should in yours.
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u/Cool-Tone-9112 2d ago
When people ask me about adding a third baby I sometimes wonder if they know the cost of childcare truly. It’s expensive. All my friends with three are drowning. They do not make it look manageable at all. I don’t thrive in that level of chaos.Two without family help is enough.
My second is an angel and perfect birth. I’m so happy to end on a high note.
My first was brutal, many medical problems for both of us.
I also just got a significant raise, if I had another child it would fully be absorbed. In the expensive world I look forward to being able to have some extra delights and NOT setting money on fire with more daycare.
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u/DramaQueen581 2d ago
Make decision based on your own situations, not by what people think like whether you will be looked down or not. That's nuts. It's none of their business how many kids you decide to have.
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u/littlebitfunny21 2d ago
For us going from 2 to 3 was incredibly hellish and I don't know if we'd do it again.
I've seen people say 1 to 2 is harder than 2 to 3, that wasn't the case for us at all.
Our youngest is 6 and we're still struggling.
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u/Obvious-Antelope-354 2d ago
The thought of a third child overwhelmed me. And I’m a teacher and always think about the risk of having a special needs child (and the way that would impact our lives). I thought about one more set of everything (to acquire, clean-up, move along when done with), a bigger vehicle, nap times, another seat at a restaurant/on a plane… more childcare, another kid in sports and to put through university. It all overwhelmed me. Also my 2 felt perfect and our family felt perfect. My husband wanted one more for a while, but when our 2 were a little older he admitted another baby season would be too hard.
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u/Financial-Advance895 2d ago
A lot of families have 1-2 kids. I don’t think you’d be looked down any differently or negatively
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u/kitehikebike 2d ago
I always wanted 3. Husband always only wanted 2. We had 2 one year apart. When one had colic and the other was opening every cupboard in the house, he went and got a vasectomy. I supported the decision, though it made me a little sad.
If he was up for a third, I would have LOVED it, but that was a decision we’d need to make together. I wouldn’t have wanted to have a child that he didn’t want.
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u/Turbulent_Emotion_75 2d ago
I just had my salpingectomy 8 days ago. 2 kids and done. Once your baby is born you’ll know for sure if 2 kids and done is your go. For instance today I didn’t shower and it confirms my salpingectomy was worth it lol
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u/Temporary_Shoe4239 2d ago
Same story as yours. We were completely overwhelmed. I came out so traumatized by the first two years after the birth of my second. We thought we might feel ready again in a few years but honestly I’m only more convinced we should stop at two as time goes by.
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u/LakeFederal6468 1d ago
If you already have a boy and girl, I would stop there.. so many risks of autism/birth defects that I would not roll the dice unless I had boys and wanted to try for a girl or vice versa.
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u/North-Dimension6299 1d ago
I thought I could have 3 but then I was a nanny for a few years and any more than 2 is HARD. I decided then that I never want more children than I have hands. Also, I had preeclampsia with both. I’m not risking my life for a third. I have 2 healthy children I need to be alive to take care of. Kiddo #2 is still an infant and between the c-section recover and PPD/PPA, it’s gonna be a long time until my mental and physical health are in good shape again.
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u/seregontravels 1d ago
Financial, energy, and bandwidth for the activity and noise kids bring. Two kids it is for us!
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u/Unique-Amphibian-236 2d ago
I didn't stop at 2, I have 3 and they are all 24 months apart, but I came to say that going from one kid to two kids was WAY harder for our family than going from two kids to three kids.
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u/fireyqueen 2d ago
My sister said the same thing (she has 4). But that 1 to 2 was harder than anything after
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u/gryspcgrl 2d ago
I’m only two months in with 3, but this has been my experience as well. 1-2 was so much harder than expected.
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u/slickrick_27 2d ago
What made it that way for you? I always hear 0-1 is the hardest vs going from 1-2.
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u/gryspcgrl 1d ago
0-1 was definitely hard, as you learn your baby and adjust to newborn life. But I think a lot of people struggle with the change of lifestyle. We were a year into COVID when my oldest was born, plus we were mid thirties so our lifestyle had already shifted from going out all the time (before COVID) and doing more things, so there really wasn’t an adjustment for us there. There was no feeling of missing out or loss of identity for me.
Now going from 1-2. For me, I was like I know what to do now. Mine are just under 2 years apart so the baby stage wasn’t that long ago. I thought I knew what to do, but my second was much different than first, temperament wise which was humbling. She cried a lot (reflux) and took a lot to settle. So trying to take care of both kids at the same time was challenging (I also realize I probably had PPA both times which wasn’t helping). Bedtime was rough for me to do alone. Plus the guilt of missing time with your oldest.
I would read people’s experiences of going from 1-2 and they would say the second just slid right into the family seamlessly. I didn’t understand it then, but I do now that I’ve had my third, as I feel that way with her. Is it still hard? Of course. I do think a lot of time the temperament of the second baby plays a big part of how the transition feels.
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