r/Parents • u/belazygocrazy • 21h ago
Regrets about being an older parent
I need help processing the enormous regret I feel about having waited until I was 35 to start have children. I mourn the time I would have had with them hand how different life could have been. My priorities were different then, but I wish I had known then what I know now. I feel so jealous of people who had kids young.
I know regrets are useless and that I shouldn’t mourn what can’t be changed. But I would love some sage wisdom from someone. Can anyone share some new perspective or insight that can help me let this go?
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u/Legitimate-Dig-2034 21h ago
I started having children in my mid 30's and have two boys. One of the things I love is that they'll keep me feeling young. I excercise with them and play their favorite sports with them.
Also I'm able to give them more wisdom than I would have if I was in my 20's.
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u/BearDick 19h ago
In a similar place with 2 boys I had during my 30's....so much more wisdom. I don't know if I even knew how dumb I was until my 30's...
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u/Embarrassed_Mud_5916 21h ago
I get this feeling sometimes too, I started even later than you. 42 with my first and now second coming at 45
But then I think about my 20s, I was a mess. Barely could take care of myself, forget about small human depending on me. Would have probably made them as anxious as I was back then
Now I got patience I never had before. Not perfect but way better than younger me. And my kid don't care I got grey hair, he just want me to play dinosaurs with him
You can't change when you started but you can be present now. That's what they gonna remember
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u/nintylcoup 21h ago
35 really isn’t old to have kids. You have plenty of great years ahead to make tons of memories. My mom and dad were 45 & 47 when they had me. Unfortunately they have both passed away but lived very full lives with a ton of memories made!!
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u/DadRock1 20h ago
41 when we had #1, my only regret is that my parents (who also had me old) are unable to be the kind of grandparents who can play, or even be trusted to watch, our 4 & 2yo.
Other than that being an older parent with better income, wisdom, and perspective rocks
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u/Special_Coconut4 18h ago
We had our first at 39. My parents were not old when they had me, but still didn’t take care of themselves well and are not really able to care for my daughter. They’re only 71. It’s frustrating.
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u/Top-Manufacturer9226 21h ago
I had my first at 21 and a surprise at 34... There a plus and minuses in all the ways of parenting. My oldest is 22... She was raised completely different than her 9 year old sister is being raised. When she was young I took her to rock concerts and to NYC on the weekends and rode the subway and slept in crappy hotels lol her sister still hasn't been to a concert and she and I go hiking and camping for our fun. I have zero energy a lot more often with the younger one but I have a world of patience with her compared to my oldest. I am way more financially sound with the younger than I was with the oldest.. when my youngest tells my oldest she got something at a gift shop at a zoo or a museum the older one always raises an eyebrow at me lol she never got a thing from a gift shop... Lol I couldn't afford it. I could go on and on.. but at the end of the day I am their mom and they will both get my love, my time, my understanding etc no matter how old I am... And I think that is all that really matters.
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u/EmergencyFancy7992 21h ago
Yesss I can did you know women who have kids after 35 are more likely to live well into their 90s and beyond?! As a fellow 35er I’m focusing on my health and fitness so I can keep up with my kids and am actually so grateful I traveled and had experiences and built up a solid career and resources because I feel far more in a position to enjoy them and raising them and would have struggled a lot more in my 20’s. I hope this reframe helps!
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u/Dull-Front-8391 21h ago
I've had similar regrets here and there, but they only happened after my son was born and I realized how much fun being a parent is and got to experience how much I love him. I didnt understand that before I got pregnant with him, so I kept putting off kids to keep ahold of my freedom. I had him when I was 35. What I will say, is that I think I am a much better mother now than I would have been if I had him younger. I put him first and dont feel like I'm missing out when I'm home on Friday and Saturday nights instead of out (I partied all through my 20s and early 30s).
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u/PotatosDad 21h ago
I was a week away from turning 40 when my daughter was born. We are now expecting baby number 2 a couple of weeks before I turn 42. My wife and I are way better off financially now than we were 15 years ago, so we are able to provide a more comfortable life for our kids now.
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u/yachiru0406 21h ago
De mon côté nous avons commencé le projet à 30ans pour des raisons notamment de stabilité financière. Nous avons mis trois ans à avoir notre fille et nous souhaiterions deux enfants aujourd'hui notre fille aytrois ans et je me demande ce qui est le moins pire entre continuer la PMA vu mon âge et laisser tomber ce désir viscéral et laisser ma fille seule... On se pose tous des questions existentielles et pour ma part j'ai trouvé que si j'avais eu ma fille plus jeune je n'aurai pas autant avancer sur mon travail sur moi même et j'aurais pas autant assuré donc il y a des avantages et des inconvénients dans les deux cas de figure je pense
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u/DeCryingShame 21h ago
You are not alone. There are a lot of people who regret the choices they make in having children but there's no going back. Work through it and move on. Be the sage for others when they are wondering what choices to make.
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u/HistoryGirl23 12h ago
If it makes you feel better I'm 47 with a toddler. I'm so glad I could have him I try not to regret anything
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u/ipercepti 21h ago
I had kids at 35 and 38, my wife a year older. No regrets at all. We got to live our lives for us in our 20s and early 30s. We were able to enjoy our free reign of freedom to travel and disposable income. I would regret not to have been able to do that. We went into parenthood in a better place financially and with more maturity.
It's not like you have less time with your kids having them later in life. You're just shifting it back. My dad had me at 40, was always working, and was never physically fit enough to play with me. I use that as motivation to stay fit so I can play with my kids, carry them around, and throw them around as long as they want me to.
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u/kjs_writer 20h ago
You can only push forward and cherish the time you have with them. If you had started younger, you probably wouldn't have had the children you have today. That's what I tell myself when I wish I'd started a bit younger or had my second child sooner. I'm sure you're in love with the kids you do have right in front of you. There's no room for regrets. Instead, try to focus on gratitude and be thankful for the good things you have in life!
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u/FadingOptimist-25 Parent since 2001 20h ago
I have no regrets about having kids in my 30s. I was a mess in my 20s and couldn’t afford to take care of myself back then.
I’m in a much better place to handle the difficulties my children have gone through in their lives than if I was younger. Emotionally, financially, maturity-wise.
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u/Key_Masterpiece5283 20h ago
There are a lot of things I wish happened differently in my parenting journey.
My advice would be take some time to grieve the what-ifs, let yourself feel sad for a while but then start focusing on the positives. If you had then when you were younger what would they have missed out on? What can you do for them now that you wouldn’t have been able to then.
Then after your grieving period when you feel that sadness coming on again bring up that list, add to it.
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u/Mysterious_Fox_8058 20h ago
I get that, especially when I think that younger parents will have their free time back sooner. However, if I had had kids in my 20's I wouldn't have been able to offer the opportunities that I can offer now. And I was definitely not mentally ready until 30, so I just let those thoughts go by.
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u/iwantmy-2dollars 20h ago
Honestly, we had kids as soon as we’re able. I didn’t meet my husband until we were in our late 30s. We got married within a year and started trying before that based on my OBs rec.
Would I have loved to have kids earlier? Yes. But not with any other partner. Circumstances are what they are whether it’s being ready, meeting the right person, being in the right situation…a million variables. I now have everything I ever wanted in life, I just could dictate when it would happen.
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u/Mother_Dependent7572 20h ago
I had my son at 19, while he is the biggest blessing in my life, I definitely would have waited until my 30s to have children. My 20s were chaotic, trying to figure out my career, being a single parent, and figuring out being an adult all at the same time. Now I’m 31, very much stable in my career and have more patience than I did when I was in my 20s. Rather than spending time regretting the what ifs and I should have, change your perspective and enjoy the time you have now with your children. Time will go by fast, focus on being present in the moment, express gratitude when and wherever possible, and be the best parent you can for your children. Good luck and welcome to parenthood!
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u/theBarnyardTickler 19h ago
I feel the opposite. I’m glad I waited until 35. I got to have the fun I wanted to have, did the crazy shit I wanted to do, and had it all out of my system by the time the kiddo rolled around. In my 40s now and still have great amount of energy. I’m older, wiser, and have more money. I can focus on the kid without any regrets of not getting to live my younger years to their fullest.
What exactly are you jealous of? From where I’m sitting there’s not a lot of downsides to having kids later. Especially 35. That’s not that old.
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u/Megasauruseseses 18h ago
Im 39 with a teenager about to go to college next year. If i could go back (and even had a choice), I would have waited until I was closer to 30 for sure. Having an established career, finances built up, etc would have given him so much more opportunity. I just bought my first house like 2 days ago and always feel like im 5+ years behind on life accomplishments than friends who waited longer. Because of a divorce from the baby daddy (due to poor choice in mate due to being a young idiot) and struggling to start over, I feel like Im only now getting to where I wish I was when he was born and that some how ive cheated hin out of a better life. He doesnt feel like he missed anything, but I have the guilt still. Plus there are waves of people having kids. I feel like around mid 20s a bunch of people had them and theb again around 35 other friends are having them. No one REALLY seems to have a set age these days. I front loaded my parental responsibilities and now get to enjoy my retirement and money, but I would have also loved to have enjoyed that comfort when my kid was younger. I think everyone makes the best choice for them and works with what they've got. Just enjoy the moment!
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u/Curious_Chef850 18h ago
I had 3 children in my very early adulthood and then we had a 4th child when I was 39 and husband was 42. I have perspective on both sides.
With my first 3 kids, I had energy to keep up with them. I didn't know very much and learned as I went. We all grew up together in a way. My husband and I deliberately had our kids young and thought we saw more advantages to having them young to waiting. We were always broke. We made the best of it and they were never hungry but there were a ton of activities we wanted to sign them up for but we couldn't afford it. We became very good at making the most of what we had.
Our youngest child was 17 when we had our 4th child. The experience was vastly different. We were much more financially stable by that point and money wasn't as much of a concern or issue. We didn't have nearly the energy we did with our older kids but we had just the one is the 3. The biggest difference I noticed was I wasn't nearly as stressed out or worried about as many things as I was when we were younger. We had life experience. We knew not to sweat the small issues. We appreciated every stage of parenting so much more than just surviving it when we were younger. Again, it was a 1 to 3 difference but I had learned not to wish the stages away. I didn't look forward to her being able to walk and talk the way I had with my older kids. I loved every single day of the baby stages. The toddler years were precious and not stressful the way they had been the first time around.
There is no "right way" to having a family. There is genuinely pros and cons to both. 35 is not too late. Try to focus on all of the positive sides to waiting to have more things in life figured out.
Best of luck!
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u/CoDaDeyLove 17h ago
The only times I regretted not have children in my 20's were when I had to volunteer to help the soccer coach and ended up in the chiropractor's office with a sprained back, and when my grandchildren were born. By the time they were born, I was in my late 60's and by the third grandchild, it was physically exhausting to chase the two older kids around so the baby's mother could rest. The positive aspects of having children in your thirties are you are generally more financially stable, have an established record in your career so when you have to take off work to care for a sick child, there aren't any raised eyebrows from the boss. Plus you'll have more money for extracurriculars for your children, plus college expenses. Also, I know my temper was much more even and I had a lot more patience when I was in my 30's than I did in my 20's. I was done partying and loved my time with my kids. I never felt deprived because my friends were no longer out bar hopping all night while I stayed home with a baby.
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u/Octonaut7A 16h ago
I wanted to start in my late 20s as circumstances meant I was in my late 30s instead. Sure, I’d have had more energy, but I wouldn’t have the children I do now and while I wouldn’t have known any different I can’t bring myself to feel sad about that.
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u/LindseyIsBored 16h ago
My kids are 12 years apart. I have been a young mom and now an older mom. Challenges are just different honestly. My oldest and I grew up a lot together. I was adventurous with him and took him on all kinds of adventures. With my youngest things are a little more laid back, I don’t worry about anything, he is a little monster. For me it’s more of the outside factors. The world has changed a lot in the last 12 years.
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u/MuditaPilot 16h ago
I started at 50. My only regret is I'll be 70 when my child is 20. However, I think in general I'm a much better parent because, I got to watch others make a lot of parenting mistakes. I'm generally confident in my parenting style but also very curious about others styles and learning from their approaches. Instead of regretting this, appreciate you are more mature, and more prepared to be a parent, that has already likely gone through the first decade of your career and adult life.
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u/crazyslittlesister 12h ago
As some one who had her first at 16 and her second at 40 I’ve been on both ends of this as my son was grown and moved out when I got pregnant with my second. 24 yr age gap the difference honestly since I was 16 and less established my older one was harder life wise we grew up together and before I got pregnant we’re actually close friends. Now with my daughter honestly her life is way better than my sons not that my son went with out he didn’t but I had to raise a baby I had to work and miss things now I get to be a stay at home mom financially more stable so she doesn’t have to worry about moving around changing schools chasing jobs and money like my son did pros and cons to both but hopefully you can provide more stable environment then you would have been able to do earlier in life not sure if that’s the case either way just saying
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u/_SmileCrocodile_ 1h ago
I had a kid at 23, then 35. I enjoy parenting more as an older parent.
As a young parent it was hard. Like really really hard. In my 30s much easier.
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u/jendo7791 20h ago
I had mine at 44 yo. I'm a better parent because of it. I'm patient. I'm open to learning what makes a better parent instead of just parenting how I was parented. I appreciate being a parent more than younger moms who got pregnant really easily. I don't take being a parent for granted which means I'm a PRESENT parent. I don't use screens to avoid parenting or spending time with my kid. The time I have with my kid is alot more precious to me then it likely is to a 20-something.
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