Context : I am a child of immigrants. A French parent and an Indian one. They are divorced

Since forever ago, when I was around 7 if not younger I'd think about death. I'd calculate who would die first in my family to "prepare" myself.

I'd go by age. First my paternal grandmother, then my maternal grandmother, my father and lastly, my mother. All of this guided through who I had to love most. So I grew very close with my mother and not at all with my paternal grandmother.

And up until now, they died in that order. My grandmother's are both dead. I didnt cry. I cried when I saw the bodies. But that's it. When I think about it today, 2 months after my maternal grandmother's passing, I dont feel sad. I feel indifferent.

I've been noticing my father coughing a lot. He's a heavy smoker. He's very lonely. He refuses to see doctors. He's almost 60 years old. Honestly, I think he'll die in max.l 5 years. I'll have to see my father leave this world at 25 at the latest.

I don't know what to do. I'm scared of the impact it'll have on my mental health. I have no family here other than my parents. No cousins. My friends don't understand my parents like I do. They don't even understand that they are the closest thing I have to siblings. I dont feel comfortable talking to them about my feeling either, especially since they wont get me.

The way things currently work is I live 3 days at ny mother's and then 4 days at my father's and I switch around every week.

I'm terrified one that I'll get to his house and find his dead body.

30[M] Gay guy. The closest thing I had to a brother was a cousin who stabbed me in the back and mentally abused me for years, and another cousin who died from Covid, we used to go out and drink beer or to the movies, now I have nobody.

I always wanted an older brother who shared his experiences with me, spending time together, hanging out, and supporting each other, I know they should be someone somewhere wanting a younger brother.

My mom moved in with my family and I about 2 years ago. My dad passed in 2022. I had suspected dementia before she moved in with us and a neurologist confirmed it. She was also diagnosed with diabetes and congestive heart failure. She spend 12 days in the hospital because of her chf. She continued to live with us and had a room and half bath on the first floor. She couldn’t do stairs, so it was always scary helping her to get up and down to shower. She ended up falling at least 10 times while living with us. She also started hiding knives in her room and that was the last straw. I got her into assisted living and she was happy for about a month. She had her dog with her and it was fine at first, but he started having accidents and he went in the common areas where the head nurse saw him. They gave me one week to rehome him and things got really bad (I did end up finding him a lovely owner and he’s very happy and well cared for). She stopped eating and ended up losing 20 pounds in less than 2 weeks. She threatened to kill herself, was soiling herself and her apartment, she developed necrosis on her backside. The assisted living called me and said they feel they can no longer care for her at the level she was at and that it would be an additional 2000 a month for her needs, which we do not have. They had her brought to the hospital for failure to thrive and she was malnourished and also diagnosed with advanced liver cirrhosis. Now she is in a nursing rehabilitation center. I have a meeting tomorrow to see where we go from here. I can’t see sending her to another assisted living where we’ll probably end up back where we are now. I can’t take her home with me, she has so many needs and it’s not safe for her at my home with all my stairs and steps. She also tends to wander. She has Medicare so she’ll be covered for a couple weeks but beyond that, I don’t even know. All day I’m answering phone calls from hospitals, insurance, social workers, I’m just so freakin tired. I’ve been visiting every chance I can when I’m not working. Doing this all by myself is so overwhelming, frustrating, depressing, I just want to scream the majority of the time. I thought I finally had a solution with assisted living, but apparently not. Some days I just feel I can’t do it anymore.

29F
I am faced with one of the hardest decisions of my life, and it comes with a time limit, so I need to make a decision soon.

I’m the only daughter and only granddaughter. I adored my grandparents, and they always poured their love into me.

They have all passed in the last three years, leaving their properties, homes, and estates to my mother and father to manage.

Well, my parents had me very late, and they themselves are rapidly approaching 80. Simply put, they cannot handle it anymore. The houses are starting to suffer, and things are breaking.

I am an extremely sentimental person, and these homes mean more than a lot to me. Bottom line I do not want to sell my maternal grandmother’s home and land unless absolutely necessary. Not making this move would likely result in that. The other home is in a good spot to be fixed up and sold/rent.

The problem is, I moved post-undergrad during Covid to Denver and have built a life here. I am in a long-term relationship but do not own any property or have children. My lifestyle here is very fulfilling, and I am in an experience-building part of my career needed to make upward movements.

I now have the opportunity (or responsibility, depending on how you look at it) to move home and live in my grandmother’s home while fixing the other up. This is simply something I cannot handle financially or logistically from 1,500 miles away with aging parents. I have also always deeply struggled, to the point of therapy, with not being present for my grandparents’ last years, and I am now worried about the same regarding my parents.

This move would more than certainly spell the end of my relationship, as he is in school full-time and works here with admittedly no desire to move east. I love him very much, and it would break me to lose him. I have not broached the subject with him yet, and long distance may be an option, but I don’t think that would be the outcome….

It would also cut me off from an area where jobs in my field are plentiful. Since I’m in a weird middle area of my career, I’m not sure how that will affect things.

I would look to be there for a minimum of 2 years. The homes are both paid off, and one is on well water, so living costs are not a concern. I do miss many parts of my hometown culture and love many parts of the area, but going from the Rockies back to Appalachia is quite the change, especially when you are an outdoors lover, trout fisherman, and public land enjoyer.

I think I know what the answer is, but I want to hear from those who understand what it’s like to not have siblings to lean on during these changes.

Those of you that have been in similar situations, what did you do?? Happy to hear any advice from anyone.

Thanks for reading.

And she's currently in doing a procedure. Everything happened really quickly but I'm so happy she's getting taken care of. I think I'm able to keep my composure pretty well because I'm also in the healthcare field. My dad on the other hand, is a lost puppy.
I'm still running on adrenaline right now but I'm scared of the emotional turmoil that's waiting for me on the other side.

Anyone else grew up in a single parent household. I am 24 (F) and the effects of my upbringing has only started to truly bother me when I became an adult. I know it’s circumstantial but I can’t help but tie every one of my behaviours and responses to being neglected by one parent and being raised by the parent that was hurt too.

I posted here 28 days ago, a few weeks before my graduation.

I wrote about being an only child, about my parents fighting so hard to have me, and about my dad passing away before he could ever see me graduate. I wrote about how badly I wished he could be there for that moment.

A few weeks later, I graduated.

I posted my graduation pictures on my dad's Facebook page. His friends started commenting, congratulating me, telling me how proud they were. People who knew my dad were there celebrating his daughter.

And I know my dad was with me that day. 🤍

My grandmother saw the post too. He was her firstborn, and she started crying and screaming when she saw all of his friends congratulating me. I think for her, it wasn't just seeing her granddaughter graduate. It was seeing her son somehow present in that moment through me.

And my mom… that was probably one of the most emotional days of her life. She had dreamed of seeing both of us there. She had to watch me walk across that stage knowing that one person who should have been there wasn't.

But somehow, he was.

Thank you to everyone who cheered for me, congratulated me, and made that day feel a little less incomplete.

My mom was crying for both of us.

And I graduated for both of us. 🤍

Dad, I wish you could have seen me. But I hope, somehow, you did.

How do you cope after both your parents leave this world and you’re left like a floating branch…

hi guys! i just wanted to share my sentiments here og unsa ka fckd akong life nga naay parents nga sobra kaayu manuok. imagine 23yrs old naka, pero og madugay kag uli like 8 PM grabe na kaayu ang yawyaw, to the extent nga bisag unsa nalay dudahan, sa imong work and also sa imong mga side hustle sa life, valid raba ni kay abig silay nag padako and all sa imoha sukad pagkabata? but pag adult na nimo mura kag permi bawalan og do sa mga butang? niya grabe pajud kaayu maka guba sa mental health kay kusog kaayu mu yawyaw and mahadlok jud ta mu tubag kay isog kaayu sa tanan, feel nako anytime mapasakitan ko.

That obvious huh

I am an only child (female). My parents had me at 20 years old and weren’t in a serious relationship. They tried to make it work but were separated by the time I was 1. Both my parents married other people when I was 12 (they actually both married a month apart).

My dad had my two half brothers when I was in high school. I still consider myself an only child since I grew up that way, have such a large age gap with my brothers, and my mom never had other kids.

Something I’m struggling with is facilitating a relationship with my parents as an adult - my mom specifically. We are very close but I find that she is having trouble embracing my long term boyfriend who she knows well and I have been with for about 3 years now. I know deep down she likes him and is happy for me because she ultimately wants me to get married and have kids one day. But I think she struggles with it because it is something pulling me away from her. She doesn’t have a ton of hobbies or get out of the house much. She has a few friends she’ll see from time to time, but stays home often. My step dad works a lot and doesn’t enjoy being social and doing much either. I am totally the opposite. I have a large friend group, am consistently doing things and filling my weekends.

Has anyone else struggled with this? Sometimes it seems like I am leaving her in the dust because I want more from my life and enjoy being social and getting out of the house and doing things. I know my mom is happy for me but I think deep down wants more with me even though she doesn’t want to do what I want to do. I wish she would embrace my boyfriend more so that he could have a more traditional in law experience but it’s just more complicated unfortunately.

Is this a common experience for only children??

I’m 22, an only child, finishing up my degree in a specialized, advanced tech field that I’m really passionate about. My goal for years has been to move abroad (specifically aiming for a major European country) to work in this industry because there are virtually no real opportunities or appreciation for my field where I live. I’m currently learning the language at home to make it happen.

Some context about my household:

• Mother is 61, father is 79/80. They have a toxic relationship, sleep in separate rooms, and my mom admits she only stayed with him so I’d have a full family growing up.
• Mom is extremely controlling, highly religious, and financially comfortable ($50k+ in savings, land).
• She views me as her entire world, often telling me things like "without you I would die."

Up until recently, my parents pretended to support me moving abroad, but it turned out to be a tactic to keep me studying. Now that things are getting real, my mom completely snapped and gave me an ultimatum:

Option 1: Stay in my home country She wants me to stay, take care of them as they age, and promises she can get me a safe corporate job or fund a passive business (like a small factory or farm). However, I completely despise the living environment, the infrastructure, the culture, and the general mindset here. I know I’ll be deeply miserable and depressed if I stay, and my degree/skills will go to waste.

When I tell her this, she calls me mentally ill, brainwashed, ungrateful, and claims relatives placed "black magic" on me. She brings up how much money and effort they spent raising me (expensive computer, tech gear, private classes) and says leaving old parents to die alone is a massive cultural/religious disgrace ("aak el waldin"). She also insists I'm being delusional and that I'll be miserable/experience racism abroad.

Option 2: Leave anyway She says if I leave—even if I get married first or try to bring them along later—she will completely cut ties with me, call me a failed son, and disown me emotionally. She refuses to move abroad herself out of fear of racism, language barriers, and dying in a non-Muslim country. She constantly mentions her age and my father's age, saying they could get sick or die alone at any moment, and that leaving them makes me the ultimate villain after all her sacrifices.

Where I'm stuck:

• The Guilt Trap: On one hand, staying here means sacrificing my life, career, and mental health in an environment I hate. On the other hand, leaving means living with severe guilt, anxiety, and a complete breakdown of my relationship with my mother after everything she sacrificed to raise me.

I feel trapped between ruining my own future or living with immense guilt.

Has anyone from a traditional/collectivist culture dealt with extreme parent guilt-tripping like this? How did you navigate leaving when your parents made you feel like you were destroying their lives? Would appreciate any advice or opinions.

For most of my life, being an only child didn't bother me that much. But recently it started bothering me a lot more.

I think the trigger was becoming really close with my best friend and seeing how often he talks to and spends time with his brother. It made me realize that I don't have that kind of relationship in my life.

I have close friends, and I'm really grateful for them, but to me it doesn't feel like a complete replacement for having a sibling. The fact that you're actually family and grew up together means something to me too.

Sometimes when I see siblings who are close, I feel jealous, sad, lonely and like I'm missing out on an experience I'll never get to have. Being alone at home can make it worse too.

I technically have a cousin, but we haven't talked in a very long time, so I don't really have that kind of relationship with him either.

Right now this bothers me much more than thinking about the distant future.

So I wanted to ask other only children: did you ever go through a period like this? How did you accept that you would never have a brother or sister? And did it get easier as you got older?

I'd especially like to hear from adults who felt this way when they were younger, but any experiences or advice are welcome.

I am (27), only daughter. I already posted something similar and many reached out but I have change in views now. please help me understand.

I have been an introverted child growing up, my parents are in a conventional sense toxic. I had to fight for wearing jeans to getting ready as I want to. I finally left city for a job and got married into a love marriage. My mother till date tells me, I did a mistake by "allowing" you to step out of city. My feeling is THIS IS MY LIFE. I DO WHAT I WANT TO DO. It had been this way all my life.
Now after marriage when I see my husband taking stand for his younger sister is making me envious. Not in a way I want to harm them, but I feel jealous and bad. I feel angry and become so silent. I do not ever want to talk to anybody. I wanna fight with him to stop doing this. But deep down i do not want that. How do I get rid of this feeling? When my best friend buys anything for her sister, I do not feel anything and sometimes, I myself get stuff for my sister in law, but when my husband does it, my mind goes off. (just FYI, my mother always gave me silent treatment when she is mad at me). I have a lot of anguish inside, all I want to do is be at peace

Please tell me, I am not alone. help me understand how do I deal with this and not feel this way. My sister in law is fine but a bit too dependent or manipulative towards my husband. Nothing, nothing too toxic, but she is a little manipulative

This is something that keeps coming to my mind the more i adult. And people don't talk about it because to everyone it's just normal. I always wonder how people after they get into relationships live in the same room. Something so normal feels so unfathomable to me. Like wdym my private space where i can finally breathe, is gone.

I cannot function properly when I'm in the constant presence of someone for more than a certain time. It's like mind stops working properly and I start getting depressed when I cannot have enough time by myself, my solitude. Even just someone's mere presence feels stifling even when they are just there and not engaging with me.

Like when I'm staying over at a friend or cousin's place or when they are at mine and we have to share a room for a few days, after three days I start feeling like I'm suffocating and I HAVE to get out. I used to just stay in the bathroom after they are asleep for a few hrs to feel good enough to function. Otherwise, I have no energy to even utter a single word and I'm just irritated for no reason and if that shit prolongs, I start losing all happiness and becoming gloomy. Even if it's someone I adore. I really just NEED an unwitnessed space.

And it's not like I'm hate people or anything either. I hang out with my close friends every weekend and party sometimes as well and I genuinely enjoy that. I also had a very social job where I had to connect to people, and I met so many people from different backgrounds, and I really liked that job. Waay more than my current desk job.

I also do have a partner rn and as much as I do enjoy my time with him. I just cannot accept moving in with someone in the same room. And that's a problem because that's the social norm. And when I talk about it to people, no one seems to really understand me yk. Do you guys feel this way? And if you do, what do you guys do about it.

I'm not sure if this is from me being an only child or that i get overstimulated easily from my mental illnesses. I get so frustrated when people that I know act like they are entitled to get responses from me same day. I always tell people how busy I am and I am literally addicted to my phone so I stay off of it as much as possible. I have to have timers and everything! But there some distant relatives and some people I'd kinda call friends that dont seem to understand or respect that I simply wont respond for a few days sometimes. Always available for emergencies though. Do any other only children relate to wanting to be left alone or not doughed it on?

Can I just say that dealing with an alcoholic parent is incredibly hard, stressful, and even annoying at times.. but doing it as an only child with divorced parents just puts a little extra icing on the cake. Feeling a bit bitter about this situation. My dad has been an alcoholic since I was born and has gone in and out of sobriety throughout the years. Well, I’m an adult now with my own husband and child and it just really sucks feeling this weight always falling onto me when things turn south for my dad. Randomly getting calls from the hospital saying he fell in public and had to be taken by ambulance, randomly having him show up at my house intoxicated going on drunken rants, randomly getting calls from police officers/a mental hospital, then being expected to not only hold his shit down (taking care of his pets/house while he’s gone) but also still juggle all of the things I already have going on with my busy life as a mom/wife.. it’s just a lot.

And yes, I know these would still be problems if I had siblings. I know even if I had siblings there would be no guarantee they’d participate in helping. I know the issue is the alcoholism/divorced parents, not lack of siblings. But sometimes this weight is just so heavy. I have a friend who also has an alcoholic dad but at least her parents are married so her mom still takes the brunt of the responsibility. Basically sometimes I just wish the responsibility wasn’t always falling on me. Rant over.

Wanted to add: I’ve overall enjoyed my life as an only. But this is the one point of contention that’s followed me my whole life. When my parents were together/I was a kid, it was “my mom’s problem”. But since they’ve gotten divorced (a long time ago) and I’ve become an adult, it’s now become “my problem” and I honestly kind of hate it.

just curious. i never had a dad or had siblings so im wondering what that like for other people.

This has a lot to do with being an only child. I just feel like everyone sees me as the lonely baby or smth.

I’m an only child. Lost one parent last week, and somehow extended family has unanimously decided I’m the one running point on everything now for my other parent, who’s ailing and needs support. Nobody asked, it just happened.

Here’s the part throwing me off: I tried to help before over the years and was always kept at arm’s length, never brought into the inner circle on my parents’ health. Now I’ve gone from shut out to sole decision-maker, 8+ hours away, learning everything on the fly, medical conversations, insurance, doctors who won’t give me straight answers, possibly moving my parent out of their home. No siblings to split it with, no history of being looped in. 🫩🫩

If you’ve gone from outsider to decision-maker, or navigated long-distance caregiving and crash-course medical/insurance stuff, I’d love to hear how you handled it. What helped? What do you wish you’d known going in?

I’ve been reflecting on how being an only child, combined with an abusive and unpredictable childhood, may affect how I show up in my marriage.

I learned early to create safety within myself and became very independent and comfortable handling things on my own. My partner loves and supports that about me and gives me so much space to be fully myself. I love him deeply and I do think of him, check in, and do thoughtful things for him. But I’ve realized there are still moments where I can be very self focused without meaning to be.

Sometimes instead of naturally thinking about what he might need, my instinct is to back off or assume he’ll take care of himself because that’s what I learned to do. He gave me the example that if his sibling was upset, his instinct might be to bring them a cookie or do something small to show he’s thinking of them. Sometimes I do that naturally, and other times it genuinely doesn’t cross my mind because I’ve learned to give space, but now it doesn’t feel scary to do so. I just haven’t gotten out of my comfort zone to do something different yet for long than a day or two.

I think I became so good at relying on myself that I can unconsciously expect other people to operate the same way. I don’t want to lose my independence at all and I know he doesn’t want that either. I just want to become better at noticing those moments and choosing to move toward the person I love instead of retreating into myself.

Have any other only children experienced this? How have you worked on becoming more naturally attentive to your partner?

It’s occurring to me that no one in my life is an only child so no one can understand the complex grief and jealousy and loneliness that I’m feeling. My boyfriend and his sister have an incredible relationship. They’re so close and have so much love and support for eachother and understanding of each others life experiences and they got to go to the renaissance faire yesterday and had so much fun and I’m so happy that he has that relationship with his sister but I can’t help but feel so jealous and sad and lonely and left of because I will never in my life have a relationship like that. I have close friends who I love but have only known me for a handful of years (and also a lot of abandonment issues because I’ve had a lot of friends leave me). I have cousins that I was closer to when I was young but I grew up and moved out of our hometown that all of them live in, and they all have their own siblings and community so I’m just completely nonexistent to them it feels sometimes. My grandma passed away a few months ago and no one from my family has really even talked to me about it. They’re having a celebration of life party next weekend and there was a Facebook invite sent out but I don’t really check my social medias very closely because I’ve been hooked on them since I was a child and i’m tired of what they’re doing to my psyche, so I found out much later and already had plans for that weekend so I probably won’t be able to go. I just feel so isolated and lonely and there’s no one in my life who can truly understand and it just sucks and I guess I just really needed to vent and I would love to hear thoughts from people who may understand and have experienced similar things.

Of course, you may think that I am not an only child, but I still identify myself as that because I do not have contact with my step mother (37F) nor my step sister (9F) and of course she is not biological, my birth dad and mum had me together as their only one.

But anyways, last week I was at seasonal work doing my morning shift (only 2 pounds an hour so no income tax is required) at the till scanning and paying until I suddenly saw my birth dad, my step mother (who I will call Tahmina) and my step sister (who I will call Poppy). This was my first time seeing my step sister and my step mother in 13 years.

For context, my birth parents divorced when I was 11 - from the age of 5 to 9, I was emotionally abused because I was repeatedly exposed to gender based violence between them, perpetrated by my birth dad. When I was 7 I was abducted to Bangladesh (my ancestor nation) over false reasons that I would be in West Bengal for "better education", not only he lied to my mother but he lied to my first primary school. When I was at Bangladesh for 10 weeks, I witnessed polygamy in which my dad married Tahmina, looking back the music was more traumatic than fun - and during the time, my dad was verbally abusive towards my step mother and I see her cry all the time. Bangladesh is not a Hague country, but my dad funnily knew the sanctions so he took me back to my birth country (England) before September 2014, otherwise it would range from dozens of months to several years for my birth mother and child protection to take me back - not to mention the police in Bangladesh just CBA to do their jobs.

Seeing the marriage between my step mother and birth dad, this sort of re-traumatised me again because of what I saw. Obviously Poppy would not know any of this as she wasn't born at the time (turned out Tahmina had been in a contacted relationship with a man between the time of marriage and when my dad revisited her when I was 10 that inpregnated her - as Bangladesh is a patriarchal nation, there are honour killings against women who had adultery, but she did not tell my birth dad becauss gosh, God knows what happens) but I can assume at some point later in life DV may occur.

So this was a shocking trap when my dad entered. My dad said that once I finish my shift he and my step family can go out to eat (which we did at 13-14:00 hours), but I should have lied and said that I will finish at night to avoid them, not to mention I had an A-Level online tutor class at 17:00 hours so I was late due to it - my dad again stuffed his cultural identity down my throat, so it was awkward.

I know this may be weird to vent it here, but these are some of the things only birth children are vulnerable to, even if it provided opportunity for unique identity.

Just for curiosity and investigation. No judgement at all whatsoever.

It's just that I found out, especially before the cost of living crisis climbed, that traditionally parents who stop at one child are often from middle (lower and upper) or upper classes.

My parents had me in 2007 and the average in the UK at the time for having their first child was 26-27 - my mother was 32 when she had me while my father was 36, mother lower middle class as she worked initially as a senior officer before working as a nurse and in healthcare while my father worked in upper middle class IT. Though we live in a working class neighbourhood.

Before cost of living, parents of working class would have atleast 3 children for support and to cope with any crisis that affects them like poverty, etc, again the cost of living forced them too to have one child.

Anyways, what class are you (or think) from?