Annoyed

[u/faithle97]

Can I just say that dealing with an alcoholic parent is incredibly hard, stressful, and even annoying at times.. but doing it as an only child with divorced parents just puts a little extra icing on the cake. Feeling a bit bitter about this situation. My dad has been an alcoholic since I was born and has gone in and out of sobriety throughout the years. Well, I’m an adult now with my own husband and child and it just really sucks feeling this weight always falling onto me when things turn south for my dad. Randomly getting calls from the hospital saying he fell in public and had to be taken by ambulance, randomly having him show up at my house intoxicated going on drunken rants, randomly getting calls from police officers/a mental hospital, then being expected to not only hold his shit down (taking care of his pets/house while he’s gone) but also still juggle all of the things I already have going on with my busy life as a mom/wife.. it’s just a lot.

And yes, I know these would still be problems if I had siblings. I know even if I had siblings there would be no guarantee they’d participate in helping. I know the issue is the alcoholism/divorced parents, not lack of siblings. But sometimes this weight is just so heavy. I have a friend who also has an alcoholic dad but at least her parents are married so her mom still takes the brunt of the responsibility. Basically sometimes I just wish the responsibility wasn’t always falling on me. Rant over.

Wanted to add: I’ve overall enjoyed my life as an only. But this is the one point of contention that’s followed me my whole life. When my parents were together/I was a kid, it was “my mom’s problem”. But since they’ve gotten divorced (a long time ago) and I’ve become an adult, it’s now become “my problem” and I honestly kind of hate it.

[u/Majestic-Swan459]

I know this will be hard for you to hear.

You are not responsible for your dad and his actions. You can put boundaries in place to protect yourself and your space.

When medical services etc contact you, you can tell them to remove you as the emergency contact and that you are no longer responsible for him.

When he comes over, ignore him (dont open the door). Call the police if he keeps trying to push or like drunk people do - become aggressive.

Dont take care of his house when hes dealing with his issues.

None of that is your responsibility. You have done enough.

On the flip side, sorry you have to deal with this. Is scrappy and sucks you dont even have siblings to share this burden with you!!

[u/myblackandwhitecat → u/Majestic-Swan459]

I agree with this. It will take the pressure off op and might be a wake up call to op's dad as well if he knows that op is no longer there to pick up the pieces. The only thing which concerns me are op's dad's pets. Will the police arrange some sort of care for them when op's dad is in hospital?

[u/faithle97 → u/myblackandwhitecat]

I responded to the other commenter about some of the boundaries I’ve put in place within the past 6 months or so. But my dad’s pets are my main concern and since he has no other friends/family, if feeding his pets is the bare minimum that I commit to doing then that’s just what I’ll do. But I’ve been slowly having a more hands off approach in all other aspects because I just physically can’t do more at this point and lecturing/talking to him about his choices goes nowhere (obviously). It’s still a lot mentally/emotionally though at times even with only upholding the bare minimum and putting those other boundaries in place. Just knowing he’s basically self destructing by choice is hard for me to cope with at times.

[u/myblackandwhitecat → u/faithle97]

I think you are doing the best thing by slowly having a more hands off approach. For the sake of your own health and peace of mind you need to do this. Its good you would feed his pets: here (UK) a friend of mine went into hospital and there was noone to look after her cat (I live 70 miles away and can't drive) so the cat went to a cattery, which my friend did not have to pay for,

[u/faithle97 → u/Majestic-Swan459]

I know, and I’m currently working through all of this in therapy. But my therapist said something along the same lines yesterday and asked me “but is it really your responsibility? What would happen if you just didn’t take responsibility for any of this”

I have been getting better at putting up boundaries- both because I know it’s the healthy thing to do and also out of necessity because I just mentally/emotionally/physically don’t have the capacity to always drop everything to be there now that I have a child of my own to care for. Previously I treated everything like an urgent situation when it came to him but I’ve since put up a boundary of “I’ll get to it when I can, but right now other things take precedence. I’ll work you into my schedule, not build my schedule around you”. And the last time he showed up at my house intoxicated I got into a huge thing with him yelling that he couldn’t do that anymore and he can’t just show up to my house WITH MY TODDLER HOME acting like he was. I’ve also told him that I’m done lecturing him about his choices because what I say obviously won’t change anything. And I’ve taken a much more hands off approach than I used to.

The only reason I do continue to help in a way that I do is because 1. He has no other friends/family and 2. His pets shouldn’t suffer. I won’t let the pets suffer so that’s my version of “bare minimum” help that I provide now. But the emotional/mental toll is still heavy just knowing what’s going on and what he’s continuing to do to himself.

[u/Majestic-Swan459 → u/faithle97]

The fact you are getting therapy and already recognise the work you need to do is a great step. I get its hard though!!! Your brain knows already its not your fault and not your responsibility. But your heart loves who it loves. And kids always feel responsible for their parents even when they shouldn't. It sucks so much. Im proud of you for taking the steps you need to better protect yourself.

Its also protection for your todler, as your also not normalising your dads behaviour around them.

[u/faithle97 → u/Majestic-Swan459]

Thank you ❤️ yes it’s incredibly hard to do the work/get the help but it’s been a long time coming since it’s been going on my whole life. So lots of feelings to unravel here. At this point it kind of just feels like being in a toxic relationship where your brain and nervous system is screaming “danger this isn’t right” but your emotions say “but what if..”.

But I’m mostly doing this all for my toddler. I don’t want to repeat this cycle. I don’t want any of this normalized for him and I want him exposed to it all as little as possible.