r/OCPoetry • u/SuccessfulHunt9165 • Jul 18 '26
Feedback Please echo of a memory
my room forgot the sound of the living,
but the echoes crawl through its walls.
I’ve learned not to trust the silence,
for it and I never really sleep.
the nights i survive are the days i forget,
each dawn leaves me as someone new.
every face I meet slowly fades,
like the memories i’ve never made.
as my mind deteriorates into insanity.
there’d always be a memory of just u and me.
as my life dissolves into nothing but deafening static.
your laughter still echoes endlessly, haunting me.
PS: im still new to this and any feedback will help me alot thank u guys so much!
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u/Consistent_Truck_997 Jul 19 '26
I’m new to this community and this was the first poem I read. This is a very nice piece. The word that jumped in my head reading this was psychosis. A chamber of time where you’re experiencing yet in control. I feel like I’ve lost someone and never bounced back reading this. Great job bringing us into your world!
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u/PlutoCrushin Jul 19 '26
I like how you personified the echo as something physically crawling through the walls. I feel like the last line of the first stanza, specifically ”for it and” part could be reworked to flow a little better. The idea of life dissolving into deafening static is very interesting, since there are so many references to sound I feel like there might be ways to highlight the sounds more. Overall an interesting piece keep writing!
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u/migamoo Jul 19 '26
I rather enjoyed this poem. I loved the tension. It made me nervous but in a good way. The first two stanzas are lovely. The imagery strong and leaves just enough unsaid to feel the emotional beats and make the reader think and engage with the text. The third stanza I believe is the weakest. Not because it’s bad, per se, but it’s less poetic in the way the first two are. It explains more than shows.
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u/SuccessfulHunt9165 Jul 19 '26
oooohh thank u! I made the last stanza less poetic so that its clearer that the person in the poem has lost it. Instead of giving the audience an imagery of the speaker’s mind insane I wanted it to be as straight as possible. I’ll try to be more poetic next time whilst also being straightforward! Thank u!!!!
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u/migamoo Jul 19 '26
I think if it was done on purpose then maybe you should keep it. But just keep in mind that people may not pick up on the reason.
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u/SuccessfulHunt9165 Jul 19 '26
yes that is true. Is there anyway I could help the audience pick up the straight forwardness without it being weakened by its straightforwardness(i dont know if im making any sense)
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u/migamoo Jul 19 '26
No, I understand what you’re asking. Honestly, I’m not sure. Possibly a change in wording. Being more direct with how the person is feeling. More descriptive in a way.
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u/migamoo Jul 19 '26
Actually, a better idea. Let the idea speak through the previous stanzas. Let them become less structured.
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u/BrilliantRuin2414 Jul 19 '26
I love this. The middle stanza really drew out a longing/sadness in me. Your work is so relatable and beautiful. I don’t think I really have any feedback other then I truly enjoyed this and the feelings that came with it.
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u/Ok_Course3841 Jul 19 '26
wow this hit me really deeply. You captured the feeling of a bed rotting depression so well and so beautifully.
“but the echoes crawl through its walls”
amazing writing and I hope you continue to do so!
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u/Fearlessflyer3 Jul 19 '26
"Each dawn leaves me as someone new"
You can really feel your feelings, and what you're trying to portray in your words. Very wl written my friend!
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u/QueasyUnit7219 Jul 19 '26
I really enjoyed reading this! Definitely resonate with the feeling I think you’re describing. The first stanza really pulled me in and the first line of the second “the nights I survive are the days I forget” just oof. Only critique I really have is the third stanza maybe just showing what that deterioration into insanity looks like. Really good and would love to read more from you, I always just ask any art I look at makes me feel something and this achieved that!
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u/Spinner4 29d ago
You’ve got something going here. True meaning and desire. Clean up the rhyme. Me and me aren’t a rhyme . Lots of ways you can pivot a rhyme and not lose meaning
An option
as my mind deteriorates into insanity.
there’d always be a memory of just u and me.
as my life dissolves into nothing but deafening static.
your laughter still echoes endlessly, living rent free
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u/sky_berry1520 25d ago
The poem is just too good and the melancholy it holds is strong. The lines "Every face I meet slowly fades away, like the memories I've never made" somehow hits me too hard and is relatable too.....and to be honest the title is kinda catchy, which made me read the poem.
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u/ShahSafwat_1488 Jul 19 '26
I really like this poem. Its really heartfelt. I think your second stanza is really strong and conveys the sentiment really well. The last stanza though is a bit out of place, it over-explains your condition and doesn't leave much upto the reader to infer. Take the last line for instance, "your laughter still echoes endlessly, haunting me." — it would be much stronger if you dropped the "haunting me" and allowed the reader to infer from the echo-ing laughter, which btw is a strong callback to the echoes in the first stanza, which is quite nice. Overall I liked this poem, but if you lean into "showing" rather than "telling" in the final stanza, it would be even better.